2025, Mid-life Crisis

Big plans for 2025 didn't happen. So here i am now, literally sitting in the same office, night shift, trying to reflect on what has happened or rather, what didn't happen haha. TLDR first, I didn't really like how this year went. I dont like how I am now, so next year, I'm embarking on a deeper search. Before that, lets go through some highlights for 2025, also checking in with the goals i've set for last year. Hopefully this is more or less in a chrono order.

• SG60 everything
• Dec Fund to Hanoi
• finally bought my macbook
• Summitted Kilimanjaro despite MCL injury. 5895m bro.
• Still love the mountains, but 6000m (really) scares me after that. almost PTSD.
• did a safari tour after that! had like full on Nat Geo experience
• Got accepted to AFE. (Big decision. still sitting on it.)
• Brought mother poon to Chengdu & Chong Qing
• Finally completed AFTA QT and auto SV1. super enjoyed live SIM.
• had a short Batam trip with Delta ppl
• SAFVC Milestone Parade coz its our 10th yr Anniversary!
• went on office hours for 3 months to help with something
• joined the mechanical keyboard hype. the THOCK.
• did my AFTA AT in June. first time at safti city!
• went to SAFTI MI for SAF Day! what a proud moment
• brought mother poon to Batam
• had a suspected slip disc scare. but all's good
• last min plan to go for a 7-day off road bike trip in the Himalayas!!!
• first off-road for me
• 10days in Ladakh, and we rode up to the highest motorable pass in the world, Uming La at 5800m
• had a fall. tore many ligaments of my R ankle. didn't think it was bad so;
• went to Japan for Mt Fuji Semula. 
• didnt summit Mt Fuji, or rather, didn't even managed to get there. Typhoon on the day hike and road closure so the start of the trail was inacessible. went Kamikochi!
• blessing in disguise coz when i came back, saw the doc, did the MRI and that's when we found out that it wasn't just an ankle sprain but the high one.
• Rode to Melaka with Roy for derrick's wedding
• Finally wore my peranakan kebaya (the jacket only coz i could no longer fit the sarong lol.
• gain 5kg for the year atm
• short staycay to JB with mother poon & sis
• AFTA now called TACTA. did 1 wk of deployment as the next week was;
• Womens Boot Camp! P2S5!
• brought mother poon to oceanarium and saw my ex's whole family there. happy to see them tho. the kids all so big now
• passed the interview for SAFVC AE & dual role. but due to other factors, unable to attend the trng :( :( :( :(
• did not get a new bike
• drank even more coffee this year
• built an APST Resource Portal. my one-stop centre to organize all my frustrations at work
• didnt manage to sort out my arm injury. feels like it gets better on some days but false
• cardio definitely went down
• still no money in OA to buy house (wth right!) still suffering from the effects of the past 8 yrs with that 2.4k pay though i super miss my collegues
• definitely less OCD this yr. learning to let go more

ok. the biggest highlight is definitely riding in the Himalayas. I think it was pretty life changing. the other life-changing event was Kili. hahaha summit day really killed the hiker in me. I think it really questioned my plans to climb 6000m mountains for the experience. i'm not into counting summits or what, but things changes at 6000m. I'm not for the risks and all, but i'd really like to try some ice climbing. the 2am summit push at an exposed 5700m altitude with "kind weather" at -15 deg was really really tough. My body has never felt so 'out of body' experience b4. My legs gave way. My mental was stronger than my physical, but the legs just couldn't carry. Enjoyed the times with my guide Enock. Missed Nepal. Missed Bale, his wife and Dill haha. Nepal is now a luxury. But Kili taught me alot. If i'm really gg into more serious mountaineering, i can't just rely on my fitness foundations or like last min runs and intervals - i need more specific trainings. I went to read up about brown fat that helps to generate body heat. I feel like i want to focus building that while keeping my weight optimum. Wouldn't want to be too heavy coz its just unnecessary load, but dun wanna be too light and helpless with the strong winds.

so yea. I love the mountains so much but through Ladakh, I realized that riding through the Himalayas is even more exhilarating, efficient, and just effortless pure fun. Through the year, I was battling mid career crisis. The plan was to leave my current company coz i really just can't stand it. I got accepted as an AFE, super tempted to sign on. The main consideration was bringing mother poon for long travel. Now she still can walk, so its like, i dont wanna waste any opportunity to bring her see the world. when she can't walk much, then i'll bring her to countries that's better fit for driving. now i'm just bringing her to places with good public transport, shopping and sightseeing that requires walking. 2nd main consideration is pay. I can't be accepting a fresh grad pay. I mean like, they're trying to recruit mid-careers, buy offering fresh grad pay coz "you got no military experience". i mean like bro, how do one get military exp when u're not in the military since woman can't do NS other than signing on. Its really sad, and for the ME scheme, there's no sign on bonus as well? idk. Francis pulled me out of shift team to help him with some stuff. so for 3 months, i was in office hours. i didn't enjoy it, but i'm glad i managed to get alot of things that i wanted to do for APST done. it wasn't easy coz of the politics and stupid things ppl say at work due to insecurities and selfishness, but whatever. I learnt alot. not about work, but the importance of trying to poker face and say nice things that ppl wanna hear. i've made alot of enemies by being blunt and straight forward, but i think this year, i finally truly accept that we cannot be all honest at work and in life coz not everyone appreciates honesty. had this big work misunderstanding, but its difficult to even be heard when u're labelled with judgement and bad rumours which are untrue. but its ok coz it is what it is right. dont even want to talk about work now.

my blogging sucks now. my mind is really in a whirlpool of mess. i can't even organize this post by segregating my life in paragraphs, so i'm sorry for this bad flow of literation. my english is also failing me this yr coz i just give up in explaining myself clearly. ppl misunderstands me whether i say anything or not coz this place is just toxic. but ok, Kili and Ladakh gave me alot of time to think through things. I'm really leaning towards signing on still, but i still need the money to live life better ahead. so now, i'm just going for the money. passion can't pay. and i really dont like how I am rn towards work and life. i no longer look foward to going to work. being in airside becomes difficult coz i love this place, but at the same time, i finally feel out of place? I feel like can't do the things i wanna do to make it a better and even safer environment. i mean, its very safe we are doing the all the hardwork (let me just put in that disclaimer), i but i know i can do better and do more. idk. it just makes me want to give up aviation entirely. probably a reckless thought, but really, my mind's and well being is in a wreck rn. 

health wise, its wierd. its like there's this force to make me a 犯太岁 believer. for the first half of the year, i've been on/off sick. its not those small cough and flu kind, but like massive in and out fever episodes. fever can go up to like 40 degs kind. its like this virus infection that can never be dissolved.  there's once i buay tahan went to see doc halfway at work. then the doc made me take a covid test and all, paid much money but obviously no finding. requested for a viral blood test thing but the doc didnt care. one of the last few polyclinic visit suggested for that viral blood test, i went down but went away coz the queue was too long and i was so uncomfortable and suffering so i just wanted to go home and zzz and i did just that. i think its sometime june that i felt like everything more or less stabilized? but its like, after the mcl, then there's this suspected slip disc and finally the ankle sprain. well, i'm glad that at least my ankle is still intact. but overall, thank God for keeping me safe and sound. 'sound' just sounds right coz my mental sanity is also still intact.

lol not even talking about love life coz idc.

i miss my ex but he's not interested.

i enjoy being single.

i want a kid but dont want a husband.

sad that mother poon can't be grandma. I mean like, i think i can be single mom coz mother poon loves to take care of kids and esp if she can be a legit grandma for real. but the policies in sg dont work like this and i'm still very much asian inside. but with all the activities gg on in my life, there's no time to be emo. i mean there's still the days i super miss you, but what's the point right. accept it, heard a emo song or 2, then just chuck it away. its gonna come back and haunt again anyway so i'm not gg to resist it, just gonna manage it then move on. but definitely dont wanna give any opportunities to hurt so badly again.

supposedly wanted to set some SMART goals, but i guess i'm just gg to list the things i want to do next yr:

• already planning to bring mother poon to Switzerland. gonna be the biggest fam trip and finally out of ASIA.
• do my first solo trip (like finally). planning to train up China and fly back via Hanoi to restock some stuff
• find myself
• I wanna to do more aviation investigative work. can't change dept so i'm gonna change co;
• a higher paying job will have to supersede passionatwork
• if i'm still here, i would really like to spend less mental RAM on work, learn to give up and let go to find peace at work all over again
• do a road trip in Iceland. I want to see the Northern Lights and they say this yr sept is gonna be the best / high chance. need all the luck with mountains and adventures.
• be physically operational by May. doc say can only run in April. pretty crazy, but i'm gonna be disciplined to expedite it safe and well.
• gonna come back stronger
• strengthen back muscles and core
• improve cardio and overall fitness
• training to get brown fats
• back into climbing
• should i get a diving cert? probably try jio sis lol
• get a bike for touring
• go for solo bike camping trips
• hopefully able to go for another riding trip in the India again (pending schedule)
• i still wanna buy a house for retirement
• omg i need to seriously pack my room and clothes cupboard
• major overhaul my room.
• i'm gg to decommission myself as a hoarder and throw everything useless away.
• sentimental value is no value. i.am.heartless
• reorganize and back up all my media stuff into my harddrives coz everything is running out of space
• some KIV things coz of time / work / injuries (probably in the next few yrs):
• Nepal: Island Peak / Merak Peak
• TMB Hike (Tour du Mont Blanc) Its about a 180km circuit through 3 countries
• hello Mt Fuji. (lol. 3rd's a charm right)
• there's some Jap muli-day hikes i wanna do
• rent a car with a tent on top and camp in Japan
• wanted to solo ride in japan but rental is gonna be more ex than my plane tickets 
• i wanna try snowboarding
• wanna do a hyrox but i feel like its for the hype? probably need to try crossfit to uds this.
• i wanna say be a kinder person as i was in the past, but i'm not too sure about this coz it hurts
• be myself and be proud of it

definitely not the best year, but not a tough year too. i've been through 2016 2017, so this is ok. still thankful I managed to travel. still glad that mother poon is able to walk. happy that she is healthy hope she can get stronger and fight through aging. I really want to be happy coz its time i focus on myself and start being selfish for myself. i wanna learn to relearn. i want to rely more on God and less on me. nonetheless, still thankful that 2025 happened. its weird also coz as I'm looking forward to 2026 for a year of change and renewal, i'm not as excited. I probably just want some peace and to enjoy life the way it is.

2024 Revenge Travelling

and just like that 2024 just past. definitely another year worth reviewing and reflecting. I think this annual kind of blog post is worth doing as the process kinda grounds me a little. ok so, here's the 2024 goals review / summary (lets try do it in chorno order)

• i still did not get my class 2 bike
• finally got into SAFVC
• Revenge travel list:
• China, Beijing. first time sleeper train to Pingyao with mother poon
• Company's DEC Fund to Bali
• Japan: Osaka, Kyoto, Tokyo with fam and niece
• Japan: did not summit Mt Fuiji with Dickson. but first time atas glamping.
• Nepal: finally did Everest Base Camp!! hiked further to Gokyo Lake via Chola Pass
• Vietnam, Hanoi & Sapa. first time sleeper train for sis and mother poon at 3000m. her first alpine coaster ride too.
• lost 2 close friends (Uncle James and Boon Tong) within 1 week to totally unrelated circumstances
• surgically removed bottom left Wisdom tooth and extracted the top one. EBC gave me the courage to do so.
• drank more coffee and matcha this yr
• did more pilates and yoga this year thanks to Class Pass
• gymmed more consistently when i'm not travelling
• did not climb as much as I wished
• got fitter for awhile as I was training for EBC and IPPT but now recovering from a knee injury
  
  

ok so that's more of the quantifiable listable things on top of my head rn. I'm thankful that I managed to do all the things i more or less planned out for the year. Also bc i think i've finally reached financially equilibrium this yr. i wouldn't say financially stability coz i dont wanna take things for granted, but this is also the first yr i've got a legit bonus from a company. previous companies bonus sucks and on my first year of this company, i got the 'defaulted' bonus as 6mth i was in trng. so this yr, this bonus is really quite life changing. usually its like 1 country max for 1 yr, but look at this long list, and baller me even went Japan twice a year. (ZipAir budget airlines $400 with return haha)

i practiced more self-love. i bought alot of materialistic things; as in i bought things i wanted and not bc i really needed. haha. i think its a good feeling, but i would like to be more grounded this year. i've also finally built my up my camping gears, bought better technical gears for hikes too. now thinking of a touring bike and reliable riders to camp out with. 

this yr, 2 full yrs without u and i still miss you but occasionally. i think this has become more...'under control'; as in i no longer go into full on emo mode. definitely there are some days that i miss you like crazy, but on such drowning days, i am reminded to love myself bc its pretty clear you didnt love or care about me so there's really no point to use all the effort on energy on things that shouldnt matter. i dont break down as much too, as of today, i still miss you from time to time, but i believe its bc of the good memories and times we've had tgr. but through this episode with you, i feel even more liberated than b4 i've met you. i feel happier or rather, safer when i'm surviving on my own as i just needed to care for myself and it can be pretty easy if i make conscious effort to. 

i'm thankful that mother poon is still in good health but its very noticeable that her strength in her legs are deteriorating day by day. her flat foot is like way beyond flat and stubborn her dont wanna wear the arch-support insoles. i just hope that life will continue to be good for her, and if really it is time for her to go, i hope i would be painless, comfortable and peaceful. sounds morbid, but i think that's just reality and for some reason, i'm just feeling that this day will be closer. i do fear, but its not like i can do anything about it but to only pray and trust God on this. meanwhile, i just hope to spend more time with her and make her feel young coz it seems she like adventuring touring too (minus the age factor haha).

work-wise. lol. i guess i've stopped searching for self-fulfilment in the company. i've succumbed to the fact that i can't fight nor change the legacy. because i feel that my value system is shifting, this yr i've looked for exit strategies. it's really not an easy decision because i love the airside, i feel that my whole being belongs there. i grew up there and have so many emotional and intrinsic attachments that i know i will never feel in place if i'm out of it. so i've been accepted to another company. still in Aviation, but not civil aviation. i think its also something that i've always to explore in life but didnt want to do it as i was committed to civil aviation. however, i feel that my experience and expertise can be of good asset and also, this expanded horizon would definitely help me make better decision in the future; and also give good advice to teenagers should i be an aviation lecturer when i'm retiring. i dont wanna say out loud here where i've been accepted, but erm, i've cleared ippt (lol i know, big clue) and this is also the last yr i would have such an opportunity. really not an easy decision. have been talking to ppl from diff walks of the career path just to hear their advices but tbh, I dont have a clear distinct answer. However, when i was talking to some of my ex-cols and ground ppl, the simple advice is this 'do what makes you happy.' i guess i'm also thankful that i'm able to make such big choices based on what i want vs being forced by life's circumstances. so as of now, i'm still waiting for the official offer letter before i give one last consideration and sign off the next few yrs of my life away, and away from the airside.

Safvc. really a privilege and honour to be working with very like-minded ppl. the 2 wks BT was a very fun first-hand experience of the army. i actually cried during trng coz i was very touched by the efforts to what makes Singapore safe. i guess it also subtly compelled me to do more and better make use of my expertise. i enjoy this one yr journey so far though i'm still waiting for my QT oppportunity. however, if i do many that career move, i would have to cut this journey altogether. i feel like i can and want to do more, but i also need to priortise and know what i want too.  

ok so in summary, 2024 was really a kind year albeit the emotional work struggles. i think its also a good buffer reset yr. haha idk what that means but i think i'd find out in 2025. I've also learn to pick my battles this yr as what i told myself to do.

2025 is really The Mid-career crisis year for me. I'm expecting the big career changes and because of this, there's some more things i wanna do b4 i go in. the next top of my list is: Kilimanjaro. it's gonna be the highest alt i've been. ok let's do a list for easier reference:

• Kilimanjaro
• buy macbook
• bring mother poon to Chong Qing & Cheng Du
• do one bike tour. (idk how with my mx king) probably just a camping-coffee trip
• finish up some quantitative analysis to support my ops strategies. probably as my farewell gift haha.
• and then career change (tbh, still not solidified)
• strengthen back and arm strength. also work on core.
• improve cardio and probably start swimming again
• climb more when i can
• say more politically correct things. think before i speak or dont speak at all.
• ok, time that i wanna brush up my command of English. comg from IJ sch, i (used to) speak and write relatively well. but since poly and engineering days, i just dont bother constructing my language properly. probably needa start reading again (but i dont think thats a realistic goal haha), but i guess, i'll consciously work on it. i choose to think i have the foundation, just not the execution.
• to be less OCD. more free spirited. 
• less hoarder. pack clear my room b4 mid year.
• the KIVs coz the timeline dont fit:
• Island Peak (Nepal). would be by first ice climbing technical hike. but i dont think possible by 2025
• Mera Peak, Nepal (also not possible this yr coz the seasons dont really fit)
• Himalaya Bike Tour. one of my guys is organizing in Aug. but i think i'd have to miss it. :((
• off-road biking and Caving in Vietnam

i think overall, its ok. I'm also learning to accept things that dont go my way. probably can work on my initial response to it - like reduce the intensity of disappointment and regret lol. this yr i think i only run to God when i need Him. I wanna listen to His voice again and trust that His plans are always higher than mine. A few times i question bc i admit that i'm of little faith. its the year of the snake and for chinese saying - usually ur yr wont be the good year. not that i believe or not believe haha, but i'm definitely not expecting an easy year. i'm actually ready for a challenging year. i still rmbr 2018, comg out of that tough brutal year, things have been up and down which is how life is right. we wouldn't want a plateau life but i think what's impt is our outlook and how we learn to climb out of the troughs with the lessons learnt. instead of becoming bitter, we should get better. lol. the aircraft takes off against the wind and not with it. haha. not motivational speaker poon here; though mid-career crisis, i dont wanna think i've hit mid-life crisis yet. i really hope to enjoy another year of living and give back to wherever and whenever i can.

Thank God for everything, and i'm just so blessed to have 2024 as a year for a restart. 2025, pls continue to be kind, but I'd appreciate the challenges to be a better me.

2023, it is what it is

 as expected, 2023 was it is what it is. 

we broke up on 1 jan 2023, so technically, i started 2023 on a clean slate again. i knew 2023 wasn't gonna be an easy road, hence i was really psychologically prepped up for it. looking back, i think i did well. in the deepest, darkest moments, there were times i still wondered why was the stuggle so hard, but i always knew i'd get out of it. is that a dangerous thought? at least it momentarily protected me.

ok so just to get some goals in review, i did not get my class 2 bike; but, I WENT TO YOSEMITE. i think that was the highlight of the year. it was really a good trip. you went. i'm not sure if it would be better/worse, with or without u, but i did enjoy ur presence though it was painful to me whilst nonchalant to you. nonetheless, the mountains were everything. while we're there, Death Valley was closed due to the preceeding huricane. but bc of that, we went Las Vegas. i dont think it's a place that it'll be in my usual travel itinerary, so i guess it was a good impromptu plan. 

also as planned, i did not go EBC. but i should be planning to go next year. i cant wait for this.
as for my Touch and fitness goals, i think its an all time low. i tried going back to Touch, and event went to WA State Champs in Perth. but somehow, i didnt fit in. the intensity of the game was eye opening and i think if really expanded by horizons. i played one season early in the year, but failed to play in the 2nd season due to stupid whatever reason. i really felt bitter and felt that life as usual, wasn't always fair to me, but i succumbed to the struggle and gave up entirely. hence, my fitness really sucked. i had no motivation for cardio. but coz of classpass, i've been going for yoga, barre and spin this yr. i think its bare mimimum. i haven't done any swimming or any runs. to a point, i think i am disgusted by myself. but again, i chose the easy way out. ok but i have been gymming. but not hard on myself. just enough to feel the ache the next day. But yea, fairier, fatter and with more baggages on my eye. I think i wanna change all  of that.

i didn't bring mother poon out of asia, but... i'm brining her to Beijing and Japan next yr! i hope i have enough leaves to bring to Australia or London at least. we'll talk about goals later. haha

so ok how did this yr go?

work. ok. idk how to feel. there's ppl telling me "dont bring your previous company in here". ahah. the first half of the year was struggletown. there was this colleague that have opposing value system and work ethics as me. no doubt he can work, but.. lol. idk. i think whether in work or life, integrity should overwrite all things. some more we're in aviation. that 6 months was probably the darkest in my working years. i felt that it was even darker than the moments while i was struggling with gender equality back in QAT. i'm starting to feel that the fight for the ground, for better ground policies and all is not worth it in the end. why bother fight for others when they dont even want to fight for themselves. hence, 2023 was really a year to go into retrospective thinking. 

what i really learnt was that, not everybody wants ur help. its not about appreciation or what, but some ppl are just so comfortable in habitual complaining that when there's a change for the better, it feels like its throws them off balance and it isn't right and best for them. i struggled at work coz somedays, i feel empty. some days i do compare with those grads with 3-4yrs coming in to be my managers and making decisions that could be made better. on one hand, i want to be in the ground to help the ground, but on the other, there is no autonomy to do so and i also dont wanna go into office hrs to deal with office ppl. i'm physically very comfortable at work, and feeling unsettled with being settled. 

generally its still a great company because i think the biggest boss has his heart in the right place for the workers and for aviation. but i guess coz the bonus are based off performance, u can see how some ppl get unscrupulous get to climb up the corporate ladder. there's really more gaps and cracks to focus on to make the entire airside a better, healthier working envt. and what's more, i'm currently very much deployed in master apron planning so i'm literally very very far away from airside. i mean its a good experience to learn and plan, but it doesnt align with my goals. and while i'm here, ppl are there for 'wrong' reasons. ok who am i to judge right, but i just feel so so far away from my goals. i guess its really only this year that i start to see that there's no point in trying to fight for any form of equilibrium or fairness when the world doesnt sit well with that. 

hence, 2023, other than dealing with my emotional balance, my emotional work balance wasn't in the right place. back on our r/s. there's no r/s left lol. we agreed to be friends, but u're not. there's no ounce commitment of required really, but u're just too disrespectful to me as a human. its interesting coz as with all my other exes, none of them could agree to remain as friends and most of them just want to cut off entirely. i really couldn't understand them coz i mean, if we can't be partners, at least we can be friends right. ahha. but with this one, its the opposite. we agreed to be friends, but after this one entire year of evaluation, i think its best for me that i cut you off. i dont think i'm dependant and i'm still very much my independent self, but you are way too disrespectful for ur friends and loved ones around u. i think those who are standing by u are really the ones that u should think about keeping and also start reviewing urself. perhaps mayb coz i'm hurt enough to see this, i think u're selfish. u only do things that benefit or is a learning for ur growth. mayb that's how life is supposed to for everyone right. and from this whole experience with u, i think i really should learn from you from this aspect. no, this is not being sarcastic, but this is really a wake up call and learning experience from me. 

so yea. self love right. what is it all about.
haha this year, i spent alot on myself, financially that is. well, if work life is shit, as long its paying me better, i should take this 'better' and make other aspect of my life 'better' right. i bought all the camping things i've wanted. i've gotten myself a garmin watch, first hand and not off like carousell or something. i finally see myself willing to spend on myself. haha i still buy things on sale, but coz i'm still aware that my pay is not exponentially high. i got myself a camping tent and my cook system. i haven really decided on a backpack to invest in yet, but that's not a priority. i wanna buy myself a macbook, but also not a priority.

so whats for next year?

travelling plans first, EBC. and also bring mother poon really out of asia and as mentioned, Australia or London. but i'd need to brush up my confidence in driving on public roads. i've been driving at airside, its different though. my parking still suck and i havent reallly tried parallel parking outside. i'd also wanna do some overseas round island riding trips. perhaps vietnam or taiwan. i dont think my skills are up for himalayas yet. 

work plans. i dont intend to climb up any corporate shit. idk if keeping my goals of fighting for good ground policies is going to be good for my mental health. but i think i would need to refocus abit. perhaps, just choosing my battles, thinking more for myself, and learning to articulate in a more politically correct version whilst still keeping the depths of it. i also hope that i can stop comparing my pay and myself with new hires, or ppl in positions with less experience than i am. however saying that, i dont that i can stop complaining about policies that dont work for the ground ops. but with that, i will pick my battles and see that's worth. i'd always come up with a solution when i have a complaint, but i think i would need to channel all these ideas somewhere coz those who hate me, hates me, while those who love me, really love me. i also hope to play a bigger role in airshow next year, though as of now no news yet.

oh ya, i volunteered for SAFVC. gone through all the interviews alrdy, got through everything, and done medical. probably waiting for the paper work and some more confirmation.  i hope with this, commercial and milt side can really have a better bridge towards growth and excellence in aviation. 

fitness plans. haha i really enjoy carbs and junk food. all these make me happy since my life is so unwanted at this point in time. but, i think i'll give myself till after CNY. after CNY, i would wanna eat clean for awhile. then, i am going to stick through my 10wks fitness prog. (i think this is gg to be a big promise to myself if i dont have a core objective now). ok, idk what's gg to be on for Touch. i obviously didnt make the world cup squad haha. perhaps, i can try aiming for a 6min/km pace? try to hit 3km in 20mins first. then maybe like 30mins 5km. and maybe 1hr 20mins for 10km? ahahahhahhahah. seems so far fetched now. its been years since i've done anything above 6km. but yea, i'll still be on classpass for yoga, barre and spin. i also need to start being serious in my gym sess and try to make every gym sess count. i hope to up the weights for my 1RM for the big 3. 

financial plans. i started to manage my funds again since the last 2 months. i think its a good start coz its never too late to start. i'm doing abit more investments but i really need to start strategizing esp if i dont have alot of capital to begin with. ahha and next yr, i'd be old enough to own a property. i really need to start planning towards that since this year was alrdy a good year of playing and the start of self-indulgence. i dont that i'm a the point were i'm over spending anyhow, i'm still careful, but i would need to be careful and be cautious.

emotional plans. i think i've learnt alot in retrospect this yr as explained. i think having said that, i would also need to pay attention to my principles and integrity. i think there should be no compromise on the latter, but i think i would need to learn to go easier on myself and understand that the world is never going to be fair. but having said that, i would need to know the distinction between giving up and giving in. i will also promise to put myself first and understand that its is never necessary to put someone's happiness first in order to make myself entirely happy. but also having said that, i will choose to close off my heart to anyone that comes by. i think its enough experiences for this. 2022 i said this, but i gave it an exceptional chance coz i really thought he was different and it was going to be steady for the road. but in the end, the road was only a yr's worth and he too gave up and i dont think i can ever give someone that option to give up on me again. i dont think i'm bitter, i just think no one is ever gonna be worth the time and effort. i always give too much and end up hurting myself. its best to shower myself with all the love and care when i can do that to myself too. i didn't feel very much lonely in 2023 though. its sad coz some days i can't share my happy stuff with anyone, but who cares right. hahahah only i should care and its all that matter. so i guess one of my NY resolution is to cut ties with ppl who dont matter. i always thought like its always ok to value people whose path have crossed with us coz there are soooo many ppl in the world so what are the odds right. but i think, if i can cut ties with ppl who dont matter, perhaps i can spend more time with people who matter.

I also spent alot of time with Dickson this yr..  he is the guy who has seen me grown throughout my teenage yrs till nw. We've been having hthts and one thing we've discussed is how i have evolved over the yrs. Maybe its coz of the episode i had with kh that altered my whole self. I used to be more fearless, adventurous, always living out my life and making the full use of my 24hrs being blessed with the ability to operate with optimumly 4hrs of sleep in a day. After giving my wholeself to kh during that period, i felt like i've lost myself. Idk perhaps maybe coz im in aviation that im more risk-adversed or what, but im more conservtive with my decision making and more insercure if u wanna put it. I start to fear making mistakes even b4 trying or considering. Maybe i wanna change that or rather, have a better structure for risk assessments that allows me to live out my life responsibility esp when i have loved ones still around me. I also did consider working/living abroad for many reasons. Perhaps 1, more pay and exposure. But more so for 2, an escape. But the main thing is coz mother poon is alrdy catching up with age and there is really a time limit for this. I still love my country without my emotional baggaes hahha. Yea, we'll make do with that and live well.

so 2024, i wouldnt entirely say 'come what may'. it is what it is still. but to better sum up in totality, i have to internalize that it is only i who can make myself happy. its not either about the actions i take or the mental state that i allow myself to, but i think its a summation and a balance of both without compromising on excuses or anyone, any value systems or principles. idk if i'm excited or dare be hopeful for 2024, but it really it is what it is. i'm already operating at my best as of 2023, but perhaps for next year, i will operate at a better version of myself for myself so i can love myself for who i am.

lastly, sorry God for being entirely distant. it seems that i only run to u at my peaks and troughs. i should try to quieten my heart just to listen more to ur voice and call. idk if i'm at that level to decipher what's from you and what's not, but i'm gg to learn to trust and have faith in all that is to come. thank you for always being there despite me shifting my eyes away. my heart will always be there and i'm thankful to know that it is only you whom i can trust my heart with. 

2022 was a payback year

 2022 was really a good year for me. its was the accumulation of all the things that have been postponed due to COVID and more than that. i feel like 2022 was like a transition phase for the next phase in 2023.

so a brief summary, of my recent years of living... 2016-2020 was the painful work-study regime in which i loved and also lost a relationship. the whole memory of that phase was just painful and probably the worst few year of my life. it was an uphill battle to push up my grades to pass with a 4.01 GPA just so i could get a 2nd upp title in which some companies would recognize and give a higher pay. i sacrificed so much and thought after graduating, i could catch back lost time with my family, friends and rugby. but just shortly after graduating, COVID came and the world stood still. i saved up so much leave and money just so i could go Nepal, bring my fam for holiday and stuff but still cant. but 2020-2022 slowed down my pace, to reflect, to work harder and explore other income revenues as my alrdy super low pay took a further paycut. and whats more, after grad, all 'promotion / upgrades' ceased. it just felt like every ounce of patience have gone to waste. but its ok. ok, why am talking about other years but 2022 right. hahahs. there's a brief gist so that 2022 could better be appreciated.

2022. perhaps i should go in chronological order. 

Singapore Airshow 2022. Though no career plans were made nor did i go job hunt or anything, i did have a strong feeling that it was going to be my last airshow on the ground with my company. it did not really help that there will always be some ppl taking things for granted when give such an opportunity. but anyway, thats out of my control right. anyways, the memories for this event was largely with the Boeing 777X. its the first time that a 777x landed on changi ground. had the privileged of working on the ac and even with some of the guys from Boeing. manpower was super short handed coz covid severely affected ops back in line too. so coz of that, i managed to contribute more and even did the last departure out of changi for the 777X in the rain. idky that it was quite a moment for me. though its not my fav ac type (Boeing 747 still the Queen), while stand at the apron boundary line, watching it depart, it felt like my aviation path needed to take some form of flight. i still wasn't sure whatsup, neither did i make any plans, but i guess coz i've put so much heart on the line, perhaps i could actually recieve some form of feedback. lol, but ok.

then there was @madame.mafia_craft. shift work always give me alot of time to do other stuff. while i was trying keep busy, i was in the process of healing, learning and recovering. i started doing resin craft. really got aaaaalot of satisfaction from it. i did so much and got good at it that i needed to sell it so that i could fund the materials to keep doing it and also to not hoard my craft ahah. i love every piece but i simply can't keep it all at home. i probably did more than hundreds of it. had my first boothing experience at curbside crafters. didn't profit much but almost breakeven for the materials. at least i really enjoyed the process though to crafter out a high quality piece was quite demanding. 

through that process, somehow i really found peace. with all the time, solitude, earning money, doing craft, i enjoyed myself and finally explored the idea of practicing self-love. though i can't define that liberating feeling in totality, it was like a mixture of being me, being humble, and being free.

in March i went back to climbing! thanks to Han and Roy. found back that lost love...  and while climbing, han's friend who knew me for a day, introduced his friend back into climbing. to cut the love story short, i actually met a guy who is like a guy version of me. i dont think i'd be going through the details here, but the bulk memory of 2022 was with this guy. had my first SG camping trip with this ranger at lazarus island via st. john's. 

it was like an equipment check trip and in May, i went to Melbourne with him to attend his friends' wedding and also meet his close grp of friends in the process, i finally was able to fly to Perth to meet estee for a 2 days. attended my first wedding in the mountains at Bright, Victoria. such a beautiful place.

 

straight after the wedding, we went hiking up Mt. Bogong, Victoria's highest peak, and on gene's bday. supposedly a ez breezy morng hike, but winter came in early that weekend and this climb became my first snow/ice hike. lol. we weren't prepared for it.. i mean.. gene was in his trail running shoes. haha. but as hikers we did brought along our 'just in case' gears like thermals and headlights and we used up every equipt we had. for a moment, i found myself literally fighting for my life.. i dont think i've ever felt this way with any other mountains. haha ok maybe it's not that extreme la, but sun had arldy set and while crossing that pass known as 'Hells Gap' which was likka ridge with strong blowing winds, i really wondered if i could really make it to the hut. to put things into perspective, the cold that hit Victoria in that weekend was too abrupt and cold that it came out in the news. haha. all's good up there. we didnt summit on that day but we went up the next day. was super cold, but that's were i got myself a bf. i really didnt expect or to actually blunly put it, i didnt want it coz single life for me was great at that time and while i was enjoying it, i didnt expect someone to pop by just like that. 

anyways, we also had another camping night in the woods. super cold, but really nice and warm in the morng with aero pressed coffee made by gene and over some indon mee that tasted exceptionally good. after heading down, we went to trish's place for a night, before heading to Great Ocean road where gene wanted to bring me there to camp. was a more atas camping day after 'roughing' it out for the last few days. hahas. i rmbr the morng stroll up this path near the campsite just to cash a glimpse of the crashing waves from a high point, with gene hand's in mine. the golden sun was warm and toasty, the air was clear and the grass was so lushy green. life there and then was too good to be true. i really wanted time to just stop for us but as with all good things, i knew i had to embrace the bad. its not about being pessimist or what, but life is a balance.

soon after, i had this offer to change my Aviation path. i wasn't so sure tbh. i didn't know what i wanted coz i really love my current job. it just that the pay is too low and to simply bluntly put it, the mgmt suck. i really wanted to do more for the ground, pay more attention to welfare, allow avenues for workers to feedback and all that, but after years of trying, it just got harder. i didn't mind if there was no career progression for me since i do enjoy what i was doing anyways. perhaps a higher pay would be good, but even that, i can declare that after working for 8 yrs and at my highest technical grade as a Senior Tech, my basic was 2.4k and the ceiling was 3.6k after 10 yrs. i think at this point, i need to ask myself is this passion sustainable. if i could innovate or improve things on the ground, and make work life better for the guys, ok fair enough. but nothing was moving or even attempting to move. i felt my ideals shifting, my attitudes altering and my focus wavering. i didnt like myself, or the effort i put into living. but if the offer allowed me to have a higher pay, i felt short of reason to say no, especially if i could be on a platform to do more for aviation, had hopefully, more for the ground. so yea. that was that.

July, i WENT TO NEPAL. finallyyyyy. 15 days. by then the covid restrictions were laxed abit. i dun want to blog the experience here coz i think everything in detail is up in my YouTube channel ahhahs

but the mountains in Nepal is the first county that hit my heart and soul deep. they took my breath away, also literally at 4130m. i think its the highest point i've been and stayed for a night. was preempting AMS.. but was thankful that my body was somehow acclimatised by then and only had a small headache in the morng when i woke up.  oh yea, managed to hike to Poon Hill coz it was otw also. i think what made this trip special is coz back in 2007 while we're like teenagers,  after doing mt kinabalu, dickson and i said that we wanted to climb in Nepal one day, and after 12 yrs, we, or rather i, was financially able to do it. the travelling gap that covid introduced also made this climb more bittersweet. the journey - since 2007, really wasn't easy for me. 

so ok, came back sg, and after 4 days, i was on a cruise with mother poon and sis. royal caribbean was having this sale, so we decided to bring mother poon out coz we also havent been travelling and i think cruise was one of the relatively 'safer' option at that point in time. was sucha good break from life. didn't expect to enjoy a cruise and mother poon was happy. at that point in time i was also clearing out leaves coz i made that big decision to move out. so just before i started my new journey, i brought mother poon to melaka.

September, a new chapter unfolded. it started as a 6mths trng prog, so i was mostly on office hours during this period of time. had some time with gene on wkends though he was super busy while on course. we went Ballet Under the Stars, he intro me to Muay thai, we tried yoga tgr for the first time. He also finished his course in Oct. i managed to play Touch again. zoom zoom and it was year end.

so yea, that's my year in a nutshell. 

oh yes, i finally got my class 3 this yr, my 4T, and cate1(work stuff) for driving this yr. 

what's in for next yr?

i wanna get my class 2 bike. i sold my super4 during covid so i could buy a sniper to do deliveries ahhas.
some days i doubt my career movement. though i feel like it was good to get out, and also get into wherever i am, i felt like i could be better positioned. but anyways, i'm gonna make the best out of it! 

hmm. i wanna camp and climb in Yosemite. probably wanna do EBC but i dun think have enough budget and leaves for that. so maybe ebc will be 2024? 

i wanna do more bike tours if i can get my cl2.

i wanna bring Mother poon out of Asia man. idk how to do the logistics, but i needa figure out and probably get more confident with driving outside. 

as for sports.. i also wanna go back stronger in Touch. i dun think my body is ready coz contact though. probably also wanna do more classpass classes like yoga and spin. i also wanna improve in my climbing. i think for technical skills part it always a must keep improving, but i think i wanna focus more on strength coz some moves i know how to do it but can't execute it haahhs. as for bowling, haah i'm out of the league since i changed job. but i coz of climbing, my 3rd and 4th fingers expanded so much that it couldn't fit into my bowling ball. i just changed the insert and upp i think like 3 or 4 sizes?! ahhahs

wah its been awhile since i've blogged. i actually wanna blog more but i'm more into vlogging. haha i still got a backlog of vids to do man. i probably wanna get a new macbook pro, organize my media life abit and all. but phews... seems likka long list ah. anyways, looking forward to 2023. i dont think it'd get easier than 2022, but i definitely wanna be stronger. 

2022... just another 2021

its 10 jan 4am now.

just need to document my life alittle. 

in a nutshell, 2021 is really just like 2020. we're still in the phase where we're trying to live with COVID - endemic phase or smth. let me try and super summarized abit.

had to take CNPLs
saved leaves (skipping sch for work) just to go Nepal became useless
no travel
still no go to Nepal
so so done with sch coz we had graduation this yr despite finishing sch last year.

was more motivated beginning of the year.
alot of business ideas, but probably only executed 10% of it.
was experimenting and baking cookies alot at the end of last yr moving into jan and feb. 
successfully experimented out the best almond chocolate chip cookies ever. sold alot for cny. but this little business was really damn tiring hahas. i rmbr coming back from work and baking till 5am in the morning. but i guess for that excellent taste, its worth it. hahas

had a hit-and-run accident in which i couldn't find the stupid driver, hence unable to claim. nb.
and from it, i have a permanent ugly scar patch just above my knee.
finally started investing on my own.
worked aaaalot.
chiong alot.
oh... CLASS 2 !
and started taking Class 3, only to wait for 5 months before i simulator date.
started doing resin craft at home, hoping to business abit.

actually really that's about it. lol

hmm to go indepth abit, emotionally, this year has been really kind.
i think finally i'm learning to self-love abit more. willing to spend time just to do things i wanna do and not 'have to do'; also spent abit more on facial products lol. i feel like i'm learning to let go abit more. i think i can improve on it, but i feel like it might be erm... 'jeopardising' the efforts (emotional / mental / physical) i put in. good and bad really. can't rmbr if packing my room was this yr or last year. haha. but i feel like as of now, i needa trash out more things other than just repacking and reorganizing lol. hmm, also, i did try give my heart a chance early this yr. however, i felt like time and effort was wasted coz it felt like.. idk how to put it, while it started off very.. casual and erm... 'unintentional',  everything was really a waste of time. one thing good about it is that i learned that i've have learnt to not invest my heart onto ppl. really a game changer ahhas. so when we decided to end it, while the other person didnt seem to bother, it validated my decision to take back my love and shower on myself more. 

so yea. i've started to love myself more this yr.
for now, i'm just gonna sign off like this. hahas
like i feel there's not much valuable content to evaluate about 2021.
hahas maybe i might continue this post another day when i'm in a more... emo state?
oh i wanna blog abt my feels about work! but now i'm just bz with my resin craft. okok. i will continue this post again. ahhahs.

--------

2020, we welcome 2021

hi. i'm back at religiously blogging my yr end post.

its 01 jan 2021, 1445hr now (backdating this post for documentation). 

raining heavily - the monsoon kinda rain

tbh, 2020 is a great year for me.

i can't rmbr anything significant, other than... I GRADUATED with 4.01. that 0.01 was very significant.

well, there's COVID-19. to me it was good coz with sch out of the picture, i had like so much time that i really didn't know what to do with it. it did felt empty because there was no rugby and all. i thought it could be my comeback year... but oh wells.

no travels. no Nepal.

i rushed graduation in 4.5 yrs so that i could just nice get my T4 after my auto T3 after 5 yrs of pass out. but in the end, all promotions ceased. so nothing really changed despite all the hardwork, rush and stress.

finally packed my room.

but my sis moved back in yr. so despite clearing out all the old stuff from my room, i moved back in my musical instruments and all. ahhahs

started baking for the first time.

baked cookies coz it was the easiest and nicest thing to eat.

COVID Phase 1 was probably the best time to escape from everything but just work. 

ok i dun feel like blogging now. may or may not edit this post laters.

started FP since no OT.

k1 is still treating me as non existent.

k2 miraculously msged me back

and on the day i'm talking with this other guy.

i dun feel like blogging my 'lovelife' now, but i'm just v happy being single and free. dont think i wanna give this up anytime soon.

2020, the next phase

for the past few days leading up to writing today's annual post about doing a closure for the year, i've really been thinking about this year.

as evident as it shows in this space, 2018 was really really,.. (haha, i can't even find a word to describe the depths of it)... low. i 'needed' a 2019, something imaginary yet tangible to some extent, to just bring me out of the depths. i was looking forward to 2019 actually, knowing that if u're alrdy so so low, u can really only go up from there. hmm, let's try to do this chronologically / in phases, and then a summary.


so, i entered 2019 with an unexpectant heart,  yet embracing whatever hits may come. i tried to focus on my studies alot more but that emptiness of 2019 was still pretty distract. at least it wasn't as haunting anymore. in Jan, during the HK trip with mother poon, i bought like some facial care products from airport duty free. other than coz i was roaming around while mother poon and sis were shopping at DFS, i rmbr how much k1 wanted me to just fcking get some facial care for my face. i resisted much then coz i didnt think it was financially necessary and also probably coz with k1, i was just being defensive by then.  but yea, anyway, i got a set of VICHY products. i used it diligently ok. till the end of the year, i'm still using it though not as dilligently coz i just wanna not waste my money. but yea, on the whole, i've probably learnt to practice abit more self-care. after work, i'm washing my hands with more effort, sometimes even using facial wet wipes for my face, and changing my overalls more frequently now. so yea, good job sportspoon.


and then, i tried okc. i actually met up with someone coz the texts really did feel so genuine. k2.
then suddenly, March 2019 felt like the best month in my life for years. it did really feel like i found someone who could love me the way i am while i could love him by being myself. i liked how someone could understand my thoughts while i could appreciate the way he thinks.
well, to cut the story short, the journey was just as unexpectedly short. either he couldn't allow me to know him better, or he didn't like the mess he found in me, he just left just like this.

through those months, it was really a good lesson for me.
feelings are really a fleeting moment.
i dont want to compare, but with k1 and k2, it was just a total refraction (not reflection).
someone can love you and not like the way u are while being honest vs;
someone who can say that he likes you the way you are, apparently appreciates honesty, but chose to leave in the end for whatever the reasons.
whatever it is, from all these brokenness, i've really learnt. k2 did taught me to love myself first b4 anyone could love me / b4 i could love anyone; while k1 just validates the brutality of my existence in the company.

its just doesnt... tally. u say wanna break clean. nothing left and all. then u still ignore me like mad for f. i mean like, i dont expect u to say hello or what but, at work, when he realizes my presence, he just denies my existence. to some extent that i even question myself if i was really there.
through all these lessons, i'm really pushed to move on.
i'm settling with the occasional imu nights. missing all those who walked in and walked out of my lives. but this time, they no longer torment me like how they did in 2018; they're just probably settling in as reminders to not fall into pits like this ever again.
sorry to the friend/guys who are trying to msg gdmrng texts and all. sorry if i'm being defensive and rude by not replying, but i'd need to draw that straight line early and clear. even if it means to lose a friend, it's really also up to u if i'm worth to keep as a friend.

but really, at some point in 2019, probably later in the year in oct/nov, i felt that kind of freedom.
like ever since d left in 2007, i'v really been struggling with myself up till this point. perhaps its also coz of my struggles that ppl who came could not stay, but not saying that i've 'found myself',
i just felt free.
like i could do whatever i like and not feel guilty,
i could wear all my cargo pants and ugly teeshirts,
i could eat and not eat what i like / dun like,
i could spend money on unnecessary things and not feel like i needa payback to something.
lonely? yes, but on such days, usually for brief moments at night, they are just fleeting moments. just like how any guy could love me; the loneliness would't last and the next day, i'm busy again with work/sch/trng.
riding home from the west with class95's lovelifeforum on weekday nights also did validate quite a few perceptions i have in my love life. ahhahs. i kae-kiang go give some comments / "advices" to the topic via class95 whatsapp channel. and wah... john klass read out all my comments so far, and even commented that my opinions are  'good pov', 'well and fair', 'with neutral stands'. hahah. well, #engineering, and really, feelings are all a fleeting emotion that have no tangible claims to it.


so for this yr, i've really decided to make a difference.
really dun wanna go search for love / or like socialmediastalk ppl whom i care about  anymore. if impt individuals can stop all connections with u even after having such intense (i assume) emotions with u, then what's really real now?
i can't say i've succeeded in refraining myself from thinking about the what ifs, about the whys and unfortunately still missing all these ppl, also coz they've all cut ties and comms with me, but at least, i'm in a more comfortable place now.

ok. some days i do question my orientation.
but let's not go into there for now coz i dont think it's worth going indepth with thoughts that ties in with insecurities. haha.


ok.
so.
other than all that,
I WENT TO JAPAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
omg. i didn't think i could go Japan. gc jioed me on a thurs night and on a sunday night, i was on a $495 flight to Fukuoka. even while in Japan, i couldn't believe that i was in Japan. after the trip, i still can't believe i went to Japan.
hahahhaahas. i always wanted to go Japan for many reasons. the mountains, the food, the culture and all. but everytime, $$ is the issue. so i'm glad i went to backpack with gc on this. i can feel the $$$ going out though we're pretty budget on this trip as usual. but every penny is worth and this trip really remind me to WORK MORE for a job that PAYS WELL. so... hmm. let's see what 2020 will bring me.


schwork wise... hmm. like that loh
sem 2 results were good (as seen in the last post), but this leaves me with fight for straight As for the last 3 mods before i can grad with 2nd upper. if i score just 1 A- for any of the 3 mods, I AM GOING TO GRADUATE WITH 3.99 AND I AM GOING TO REGRET FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
its like.. its really not impossible, but its also, just too crazy. its all the programming mods left and this is just going to be really.... interesting.


sports.
let's start with rugby first. as mentioned in previous post, the whole work-sch schedule was also much kinder. i could go trngs, and not miss sch / take leave from work. towards the 2nd half of the year, i could attend trngs and play the leagues as well eh... on top of that, they all didn't affect my grades much.  the rugby 10's matches also reminded me that i need to hit the gym more regularly if i wanna make my tackles count or at least survive the next 15s matches. also, been trng with Wolves coz this season, Bucks dun have enough numbers to send a 15s team. :( but, trng has been good! its been a long time since i attend structured and really useful drills. :)

bowling...
wow. i think i'm like.. on form.
hahas. i've been averaging 170 180 without going too lows on my low.
also, i bowled my first 9pin tap game in my life. and the first game was 278! heehee.
also also, i found out that SUSS has a bowling team and we're sending in a team in the next IVP that's in 2 weeks. so i've recently joined in the trng and made the team! uncle michael and aunty geraldine are focusing back on my timing. its something not easy to coach and i'm just thankful that these coaches are taking so much effort to make these changes. there's probably no one shot gone in trng that's unwatched. i feel really blesses and (surprisingly) motivated to improve my game. i mean i've been bowling since 2002. that's like 18 yrs man. for the last... probably 12 yrs, no one really touched on my timing and all. so i'm just glad i'm working towards a change that can improve my game on a whole.


lastly, family.
everything's been well. with mother poon and i, its been ok. the usual. i just hope that she can be as healthy as forever while i try to earn more money to bring her travel and let her eat my money. coz in life, the only person left who loves me alot is mother poon. (other than my reluctant sis. haha).
as for my sis, i just hope that God's grace will continue to be on her side.
"Faith, Hope and Love. the greatest of all is Love". that's a bible verse which i cant rmbr from where (oops. ahahs). i guess sometimes when we're struggling to love, it really because we've forgotten to have faith and hope. Love is simple, and hence, it can be so easily lost. humanly, i dont think we're capable of giving that kind of love that God has for us. hence, there's really other impt ingredients such as commitment, patience, honesty, sincerity, responsibility..... and many many more, other than love, in which we've all placed less importance on.


okok. i dun wanna drag on this post. i'm on morng shift tmr.


2020.
it's probably going to be big year for me.
coz, (if all goes well), I AM GRADUATING.
i am finally going to work (properly, and not like work-study). i can take leaves. i can travel. and i am planning for...... NEPALLLLLLLLL. i really wanna go this year. not sure what's installed for my in my open pursuit. but i just can't wait to just enjoy my job for awhile more, before i decide to choose money over passion.
again, i'm really looking forward to doing so so many things and moving fast again. i really cant wait to finally be myself again ever since 2007? geez. hahas.
COME WHAT MAY BABY.
thank you 2018 again for allowing 2019 to be slightly sweeter and real again.
thank God for not abandoning me and putting me through all these test which You think i can bear. hahhahhas i mean i'm still surviving now aint it so?
i dont expect a perfect life, but i wanna live a life that You'd smile on because, i would be smiling through too. (:

moving on to 2019

hi. as busy as i always am, i try to make it a point to reflect and sum up the year in 1 blog post.
1 word to describe it: B R U T A L
this is also the year i learnt that "u'll nv know how strong u are until being strong is the only option."
its like just when i thought that life couldn't get anyworse, my bike key broke at 3am, 1 wk before exams.


this year, i rmbr struggling so so much. everyday, everything is about you.
i think i might have gone into depression.
i rmbr crying randomly... sometimes while i'm riding home or something. its not those like teardrops by tear drops, but it's those kind like flood gates open and mucus all over kind. it was weird. i mean, i do think of u every day, almost every moment, but though it seems like it just a constant thought, somehow, something just triggers.

i really wanted to seek legit professional help. but 1. i dont have the money, 2. i dont need such records tied to my NRIC coz i think i'm better than that. i mean, just to document it down here, i was actually suicidal at some points. but i allowed my ego to shine through, to at least preserve my life to those who can love me for who i am. not point ending this physical life just to bring hurt to those around. its really not worth it though the pain brought by just 1 person can be so so immense. besides, the holding thought was that mother poon still needed me, as much as i still needed her in my life.

so with that, i saw another side of me.
i could really be so damn broken.


this year (2018), was alot about searching.
i was trying to find my identity. i forgot what i liked, what i loved.
for the past 4 years, everything i did or think was about you. so when you left, it felt so empty that i didn't even know what clothes to wear go out. for those years we've spent tgr, everyday i've been trying to adjust to your liking. so w/o u, it seems that i've lost a purpose and a direction.
so when you told me that all i did was selfish, i really went to reflect.
all i could get out of those darkest times was that my love wasn't enough for u because u couldn't love me for who i am despite all my efforts trying to change myself to who u wanted me to be.


i was still very uncertain about my life. i mean, i still am even till now though, but in dec, it suddenly got much better. i guess coz this yr, i could finally go out and meet with all my friends. i mean, i dont like to really socialize, but i just like to catch up with ppl whom i've grown up with, who values my time and heart. i dont think i need any validation from anyone, but just through dinner and conversing normally with friends again, i realize, though i've lost you entirely, i managed to get my friends back.

with work and studies, very little time was left for my/our family and friends. my family came first, then ur family. then, we had very litttle time for ourselves together, and really no time left for our friends. u also didn't like that i hang out with my guy friends, which is also the dominant gender of my friends given the routes i've taken up in life.
i still rmbr that u resented the fact that going out with me meant that u couldn't do OT. ur 3on2off gives more days for OT as compared to my 4on3off; though it also meant little sleep time for u. who doesn't want/ need to earn extra cash right. i've been working so hard, and trying to save up on stuff but i ever once thought that giving up OT for u wasn't worth it. but oh well, i'm not worth ur time anyway, so that explains alot.

unfortunately, i still love you. i'm still trying to digest the fact that someone who was once the closest being on earth to u is now a complete stranger. i thought we could be friends still, but to you, i'm such a dirt and trash that keeping up with a friendship with me just waste all of ur time and energy. i get that.
i'm just so damn hurt. and for that, i will never accept a guy like u back in to my life. it's just so so damaging. i became so ugly. i didn't like who i was. u didn't want me to be kind to others. we all have our pasts and struggles, but that shouldn't stop us from being kind towards others. there's a fine line being kind and stay safe/ protected. but i think if everyone's insecurities stops us from being kind, this world is going to be a cold, dark place. its funny how u call me selfish but u stop me from being kind to others, whatever the reasons.

anyway, i just hope that you wont do such damage to other girls again. pls. ur friend has also hurt me bad but i dont wanna rmbr that and go down to her level of reasoning since u've chosen to trust her. but for the girl who u think (and i hope) u're loving now, i just hope that u'd learn how to be selfless. u'd learn to love someone for who they are and not inflict self harm. if she can bring u happiness, i'd be really glad that finally someone could make u smile and not tired and upset all the time.


so, 2018 is all a blurry dark struggle.
probably 90% was all about u.

studying was just my antidote to get away though it's also the source of the stresses. i did 6 mods in 2018 July sem. i worked so damn hard. it was so painful, and i sacrificed so much. too much. my hardwork was validated with the 3As and 3Bs i got. i wished for better grads for some of the mods, but i can't regret anything coz i really really commited and gave my best. sometimes i'm not sure if the sacrifices are worth it, but i think God for those who stayed, especially (lonely) mother poon for being understanding. it was clear that i lost u in the process, but it did teach me alot about people in general.

though u're so not worth it come to think of it, i do foolishly think that u're worth it to me. it's only because i know that my love for u was real and true. though it may have been one-sided, at least i knew that i loved u with my all, and also discovered that i could love one human so that much.

this year, also because of u saying that i'm selfish, i evaluated that this 2nd degree is probably a selfish decision. because of passion, i gave up a $5k/mth job, to be a technician. i gave up money for the family just to study. i gave up time for my friends and family for time with you which totally backfired. but also thanks to you, it's only in this year that i thought of giving up this job that i love the most. i really love my job. it does pay well, but not now. we're looking at about the next 5 to 10 yrs time? so we'll see again after i grad. i got some plans going on, but we'll still again and i hope taking another long route will be worth the journey.


there's no end to earning more money. but i'm probably abit ashamed of myself that though i'm reaching almost 30, i can't spend money on my family as and when i want to. like, i can't bring mother poon far away for holiday or to like some European countries. i can't like give her more money to spend. i can't like go to an expensive restaurant and let her order all the expensive food.
i mean, let's not talk about nice cheap food la. i'm just saying that i can't spend money as and when i want to.
speaking of which, 2018 is also the year i finally take up all of the family's expenses. i applied a sub card for mother poon to spend on her groceries. as the years go by, though i can't up her monthly allowance, i'm literally carrying the family's expenses. money is really tight esp with all the sch fees.
but on a good note, i dont have u now, so i can spend lesser. u never liked anything i got for u anyway. the most useful thing u recieved from me is probably the microSD card for ur phone so u can store more media, but u unfortunately lost ur phone. haha, just not meant to be. yea, and i hope ur ego wont stop u from using the expensive branded wallet i got u. hahah.

ok for the record, probably as a selfish means, i did try to open my heart abit. i used Tinder, i played okc. hahas i loved those self-checking questions. its like self discovery siol. hahas. i chatted with a few ppl, but i realized, the more comfortable i get, i start to get very reclusive. i'm just so afraid to get close to anyone anymore. this 1 year has been so damn tough getting out of u. i'm still trying to hold it there and not sink back in to the dark abyss everyday, but i'm just thankful that darkness doesn't sting as much now. but having said that, i dont think i'd wanna open my heart to anyone right now. i just can't afford to.


i'm just glad that i have more time for mother poon and my family.
the last few public hols, i actually went swimming with my sis and pillioned her for the first time in almost 9 yrs of riding. i'm talking to my sis abit more also, and towards the end of 2018, i think its the first time in our lives that we're really talking. still not f2f, but just over the text.
i mean, its never bad with my sis, just that in all our years of living, we're brought up to be independent.
perhaps our independence does threaten the egos of the male counterparts, but i hope that as we learn to depend on someone who wants us to depend on , that respective person can learn to accept and respect us for who we are.

no trips this yr, except the UK trip i went because of school.
finally finished that vid and will be posting up here soon.

so now that i just have mother poon and i. i guess its abit better? 1 less worry. hahas
there's so many things in my life that needs sorting out still. other than my photos, media, sch stuff, my room and endless materialistic things of this world, i'm still learning everyday.


sorry that this post is so choppy and unorganized, but i've just too much to say in the battered heart.
there's still more that i wanna say, but i needa go off now.



lastly, i just want to thank God for this year.
really.
i'm not thanking Him just because it's only right to do so, or like oh.. let's thank God for another year. but this 2018, really. i dont usually rmbr the tough days, but somehow, i think i'll rmbr 2018. too much tears. too much weighted thoughts. and i guess, i could have ended with 2018, so i'm thankful that His grace and mercy didn't allow that.
i dont want to look back, but i still rmbr how memorable and great 2016 was. 2017 2018 is like an ultimate lead up to the darkest days of 2018 and ironically, these are the years when u said we're tgr. haha. it really seemed that we're better off lingering around as close virtual friends from end 2014, to 2015 and eventually 2016. haha, perhaps we're better off as virtual existence. but i still hope that one day u'll learn, and u're also learn to see the possible goodness of humanity and the unending love from God. i hope she'll be a vessel for Him to shine through ur thickest walls, eventually.


oh wells. i dare not expect for an easier 2019.
but i guess this episode has taught me back to be a silent fighter once again. i thought life could get easier when someone thought me to depend on him. but it's a fact that we can't depend on anyone but only on ourselves with God being our Captain. i'm not saying this with strong conviction, but come what may; coz i know i can survive another year, and even be a better, and more giving person.
i should not let any individual stop me from shinning through especially if that individual is you. what matters is family. and only blooded family stays in my case, so i thank God for that.


[i'll probably come back and edit this space again]

onward 2018

hello.
just ytd, it was 2017.

this last year has been..... idk, i can't really find a word to describe it.
i'm moving into this new year with a very heavy empty heart actually.
2017, i had someone special to build good memories with, and towards to end, good memories become a reflection of the deep resurfacing sadness that i've been trying to evade from.

indeed, i will never be able to 'ready' for a relationship, nor i can embrace love in any directions; going in or out.
as i'm typing this, my mind and heart are finally functioning as a unit - in a swivel, going in all places but actually going nowhere. it seems that everything mattered doesn't seem to matter anymore, dissipating its purposes into thin air; just like oxygen. its always there, never seen, never heard, odourless, but necessary.

before i start sinking into deeper depths of undeserving self-pity, i just want to thank God for 2017 all in all. trying to recall all of God's mercies and grace in such a state is really difficult, but let's just try for the sake of this customary New Year post.
i haven't been blogging nor posting much of my life on social media too, but let's just try recalling.


2017.

1) i rmbr starting the year with facing some post-effects of a social media hype. wasn't easy, not because of being 'popular' or what but, HR issues. work issues. political issues. wasn't easy at all. but of the positives, i did receive alot of validation on my decision towards my current job. true enough, the whole year wasn't easy at all, but i managed to stay semi-rooted on it. may not be exactly the best option, but least i know mother poon is proud of it.

2) legit life didnt change much apart from the usual work and sch. the good news is that in the 2nd sem, i really studied alot and managed a A+, A+, A, B-. hahas its a feat that i'm proud enough to document it down here coz it pulled up my GPA alot. i dont think i can get such grades again, i mean, coz out of the 4 mods i took, one was Airport planning and the other was Finance, both being management mods. hahas. well, one of the A+ goes to Thermodynamics though. 2018 is gg to be the toughest sem of my entire life. we'll talk about tt later.

3) Adventures... hmm. Mt Ophir and Fansipan. kinda regretted that i didn't blog much about my trips these few years. really hope to share my experience with ppl who are interested or seeking information to do such stuff.

4) i did more runs, also because i have a gd running buddy. Went msia to do Spartan races and TNF Outdoor challenge. also because of that, i travelled more to msia, and also visited Batam for massage because of the free ferry tickets from DFS. oh yes, i went Legoland!

5) somehow managed to spend more time with the fam. idk how i did it, perhaps work schedule was kinder, but i just did it even though i had another person in my life to share with.

6) didn't go church. but i was seeking God in my quiet moments. not every diligent about it, just selfish-ly seeking him when i was facing troubles.

7) did abit of a financial progression despite not doing much to expand my salary (not doing OT coz of sch)... got some investment insurance and invested with my CPF. trying to close my ocbc Frank account to get the 360 account and the 365 cc to harness on better interest and rebates. and because of all these, was more aware of necessary life financial stuff like taxes, cpf and all those which i really hate to read about coz there's just too many fine prints.

8) was madly in love. and had to get out of it eventually.


so... looking back on the goals which i set for myself in 2017 which can be found here, i guess.. lets not look back. tbh, i wasn't committed on the details at all because besides spending time with mother poon, u were the next priority other than sch and work.

MOVIING ON,
well, i still should keep my directions clear and focused.


1) gd grades for sch. really. 2018 will be the 3rd yr of sch. and for the upcoming sem, i'm doing 4 core engineering mods which is mad because for every one of them, there's lab lessons. some has additional lab tests and projects. i hope i am looking forward because without a disciplined internal drive, there's no way to complete it especially when work is still a full-time priority. i dont really have much of a choice coz i failed 1electronics mod in year 1, so i really really need all the focus i have.

2) spend more time with Mother poon.

3) stay fit. i mean, my fitness level hasnt been great specially its always been a peak and tough kinda ride with exam periods and stuff like that. but i do hope to dedicate whatever time's left to just do my own runs and fitness sess if i cant make it for club or sch trngs. and i still want to achieve a sub 60min timing for 10km.

4) surrendering all to God. i'm feeling abit gutted that this is placed no. 4. but at this point in time, i dont even dare to put this point as #1. but to me, God shouldn't really be #1, but instead, He should be the center of it all and for every little thing. so really, (not just to validate this but) to put this point at this position shouldn't really matter, perhaps just a mental thing for me to keep point 1-3 more.. up there.

5) there's Airshow coming up, and probably more stuff i want to do, like getting my class 3 driving license or even taking up my CAAS papers, but i think i dont want any of that as additional pressures that could take my focus off point 1-3, and 4. we'll see how it goes. but for this point, i just hope to manage my time more effectively and some how, magically have leaves to travel. oh yes, idk if i'm able to go to Cranfield for the compulsory mod for a about a week this yr. pretty mad- in terms of finances and taking leaves. i mean, i'd probably want to extend for a week before also just to explore. i mean, its UK. i wouldn't spend money on air tickets as of now because of my current financial capabilities. i still have a list of things to do in details, but lets take it step by step.
hmm. abit random, but yea i would like to read more too. hahhaas.

5.5) i hope to blog more, just to document my life abit more, to know wth are my thoughts are at tt point in time, and also just to share my personal experiences.



---


2018 indeed. come what may.
many things happened in 2017 but some how they seem to be a blur and unfortunately forgettable.
its really on such days like 31 dec and 1 jan that we seem to be able find that lost i-have-been-trying-to-find-for-the-year strength to renew ourselves and reset our mental state.
so, on this day, hello sportspoon.
mr lim, my teacher in-charge of bowling once told me,

"marian, u're a fighter. where's that fighter now?" 

during my B division tournament when i was really struggling to be in line. what he said to me has really really gone a long way in tough times during legit trainings as well.

i really dont want to go into that mode where i feel like nobody loves me, or let my issues overcome my priorities. i really dont need that kind of attention, but i just want to pick myself up again and be that independent person whom i can depend on, and probably help others around too.

as for u, i'm pretty sure tt with me out of the way, u'll be able to do better also. i'm rlly not saying this in a spiteful state or what, but really, with ur kind of similar stubborness/ drive, u will be able to achieve many things so long as u set ur mind to do it. that's what i like about u in the first place. though i may not be that person u want in ur life anymore, i just hope u can pursue ur route towards becoming an engineer soon. HR policies always suck, but lets not be deterred.


i can do this, come on.

hello 2017, by 2016

whoas. hello indeed.
2016.
1 word: October.

hahas. i felt that life began in October. i mean the whole year round was really about work and study, until i won this photo competition held by ICAO and IAWA in which i was able to go Montreal, all expenses paid. life was really about work and study, if u look at the sidebar on the right, under my archives, they do tell u how many posts for the year... with 2016, not even making 10 (compared to 582 in 2005?! wts. ahahhahs). hahas. i mean i have a few drafts of my runs and races, but really didn't have time to publish them. i mean, now there's also more convenient ways of slowing down my thoughts and social vomit it out on instagram, twitter and facebook, all via mobile.

i did this collage for instagram. wanted to personalize my own #bestofnine, but i realized, i could only rmbr best of 6. so, to document and sum it up, the highlights for 2017 (in chrono order..), would probably evaluate them later if i dont fall asleep. i mean, i've just ended my night shift and waiting to go trng:

1) started sch. had a GPA of 4.1. but failed one module in my 2nd sem. so GPA has dropped tremendously

2) started Class 3 driving license. but stopped after Airshow coz really couldn't find time to pick it up from there.

3) Singapore Airshow. finally part of it as a tech and not some hi-i'm-friendly business shit.

4) CHINA. this has got to be the highlight with vegchai, aka my twin. it was epic and most fulfilling looking at how we optimized our unplan planned schedule. - did we just do it?!

5) a year of Spartan races, 4 to be exact (coz i managed to go Spartan Bintan FOC, and during exam period) and i got my first Trifecta! totally enjoyed KL (Sprint and Beast back to back) races though the terrain was unforgiving.

6) MONTREAL!! thank you ICAO and IAWA for giving this opportunity. it's really a morale booster.

7) you. :) somehow we pulled through.

8) finally biked up Thailand via Gerik Highway, but it was just to Betong, Yala; right at the border of thailand where if u'd travel to Kedah in Msia, its further. hahas. had my first overseas crash also. (i'll try to back date and do up a post. how can i not document this trip right)

9) i was interviewed and apparently i went viral on social media and picked up a few more interviews, and also apparently caused a mayhem in the mgmt level as well as for myself.

---

yea... so, looking back at some of the goals i've set for myself for 2016 which can be found here

1 - wasn't as an efficient tech as how i'd like to be towards yr end, given all the other commitments, politics, and ppl who seemed to have their work goal being focused in getting out of my team / dept/ comfort zone or whatever you call it. wherever i went, whatever i did, could become a platform for something big of an issue. even when i tried to stay low and do nothing depsite compelling mental efforts to work better.

2 - study hard was easy, minus airshow, minus conflicting work schedules in which time offs became an issue. so in the end, it was tough. external factors aside, i really love studying, but the ambiguity was probably too much for me to handle in 2nd sem where all the dates clashed. i needed more time.

3 - time management. i dont really know how to evaluate this coz i've sacrificed alot but it didnt seemed enough. perhaps i could have more discipline and drive to do better. i've never been complacent, but towards being fearful of tackling the unknown. i was pushed to give up dancing and most of rugby and bowling trngs. and there came u towards the later part of the year.

4 - climbing was fine until again yr end. i thought i could climb more in dec, but was busy editing photos. and when i finally had the time, my knee wasn't well.

5 - my faith. i havent been listening. but this yr, i've learnt to depend and trust in Him alot more. and perhaps for this, i've also taken certain things for granted. i've chosen certain go ahead with decisions knowing that it may be unpleasing to Him, but i'm praying. some days it seems fine, some days it feels off. i really dont want it to be all abt me feeling good or bad, i just want to learn to be still, more of Him, less of I.

6 - i've given alot of time to ppl despite the known time constraints. i've been editing photos whole yr around. some for money, some just for goodwill. i've also given up alot just attend the rare meet ups with the respective grp of friends. i'm thankful for my team guys and the friendship that i can trust on though the notion of work-friends seem to be shaky.

7 - you. the past 2 yrs was about u, on and off. somehow, the crazy oct 2016 allowed myself to let go of me letting go and be brave about my feelings. this is somehow very foreign to me as i have never been so deeply involved with my feelings, till i'm able to even cast my principles aside. k, much to say about this, mayb next post!

8 - unfortunately, i did not bring mother poon overseas. pretty disappointing on my part. we tried, but i had conflicting ideas and schds with my sis and hence, she brought her to aussie this yr while i went to work. ugh.

9 - no investments. but well, at least my base is building well. wasn't easy with the sch fees. will probably look further in 2018 for this.


10 - as a person, i guess i've been consistent. probably gave too much that ppl have been taking my 'services' for granted. sometimes i'm ok. but when the  time pressure builds up at the expense of my own commitments, i do feel the grunt. the good thing is i dont expect anything, but perhaps, i just hope people around will learnt to be appreciative and give back to society when they can. i have definitely learnt to be more patient as with my crazy work study combo, i do taste the load of what ppl around me might be going through though it may not be the exact same case.



---

ok. so here's it.. goals for 2017.
given the crazy Oct and not having a +1 in my life, i think i need to re-asses the way i construct my goals. lets keep it realisitc.


1) School and work management. this alone is a huge shit. i do want to do well- excellent in one, and avg in the other, respectively. not to much to ask i guess.
2) Class 3 license. PDL have expired and i heard FTT can too. so yea. pls, get on with it.
3) God.
4) family
5) not sure about this but.. B1 papers? maybe not complete. but at least start somewhr.
6) Class 2 perhaps? not really a goal, but if there's time, why not.
7) climb more. maintain my fitness level. i dont even dare aim to be as fit as i was about 4 yrs ago.
8) you? could have been higher up in the goal list. but we'll leave it as here for now.
9) ok. pack my room. and the stuff that's all over the house.

that's about it.
dont think its too much to ask for a year right.
noted that i didn't even place a tier for my beloved friends.



actually this is the 2nd time i'm blogging the 2nd part out. previosly i blogged but the post didn't get saved. so yea. may sound about more dull since i'm not really feeling v good today. but heh, cheers to 2017. may it always be a better yr ahead.

hello 2016

whoas. i haven't blogged in the whole of dec when i did have a social life other than working.
blogging has been abit tougher since it requires me to turn on my laptop when now everything is on the mobile. so mostly, my thoughts and posts haven turned to instragram instead. (my post on my Bromo trip is still saved as draft. hahahs)

looking back, 2015 was kinda a subtle one. i cant' really rmbr much of the significant things that happened, perhaps the top 3 things (with the help of fb posts) was:
1) i finally passed out as a technician
2) finally started with class 3 license.
3) travelled to Surabaya-Bali and climbed Mt Bromo, Mt Ijen and Mt Batur
4) first bike trip out of Singapore to Malacca
5) switch rugby club... from Blacks to Bucks

but the more impt thing that i've changed about myself over the past few years is that, intrinsically,
1) i've learnt to decide on doing the things i want to do rather than always having to succumb to pressures (rather than responsibilities)
2) still learning to let go, and better
3) i've learnt to give more time to myself


overall, 2015.. wasn't a great one. survivable, but can definitely be better. lost a few friends to misunderstandings at work, but if i've tried to salvage it while they just choose to be petty at it, this is when i should ask myself what's worth?
fitness-wise, statistically, around this age, i should be hitting my peak. heh. hahas. so though i haven't been pushing myself alot this yr, neither have i died at games or trngs. hahas. i guess over the years, this is the year that i've not been to alot of trngs and when i do, i am late. but honestly, i guess my work itself can be counted as gym sessions (at times) especially when we're doing engine change.
haven't also been climbing as much coz towards year end, i had an knee injury at work.
i've got back to dance, only tap but not ballet coz of time and knee.
alot of friends got married and gave birth this yr too.
passing of LKY
SG50
dramatic General Elections with sub-par election results
28th Sea Games in SG


ahhas. so to reflect and make those new year resolutions count, this is what i aimed to do last yr:

1 - never took any B1 papers coz i'm still considering other routes to get to my goal. no money too.
2 - YES i have saved up. good job. just no time to deposit them in to the bank.
3 - heh oook la. because i'm no longer sitting in the office, and also due to the nature of my job, i havent been eating alot of junk as compared to last yr. been eating moderately also coz financally, i can't sustain the way i eat when i'm feeling hungry.
and yes, i can do 3 pull ups at 1 go this yr! #achievementunlocked #finally i dont specially train to do pull ups, but for the gym sessions i've been to, its mostly for shoulders and legs. i guess climbing also helps.
sorry, no washboard abs coz i still struggle to discipline myself to wake up and do abs trng. hahas.
idk if i've been more confident or otherwise, just that i'm starting to realize that i want to have better looking clothes. not to a point of needing them, yet though. hahas.
5 - i think i've gymmed slightly more as compared to last yr coz of the sportsclub membership. with experienced gained at work everyday, yes i am a more effective technician as compared to the day i passed out.
6 - hahas. i think i haven't improved alot as a climber. no money to get rope and quick draws yet.
7 - YES. this yr i should be having a class 3.
8 - none of the above, and maybe not these few yrs. did bromo though.
9 - yes, spent alot of time with mother poon and friends this yr. (skipping trngs to hang out with friends. always felt that it was grave crime to do so until i've learnt to manage expectations and time)
10 - emo nights. hahas. hmm. i guess much lesser this yr as compared to the last, but i should have faith and not really consciously go and figure things out. just let it be.

so yes.

goals.

i guess as we grow older, we still have fluctuating thoughts and ideas due to the situations and circumstances we face everyday. its like, we're always modulating to reach an equilibrium where we can be satisfied and find solace, but the truth is, we can't. humans can never we satisfied and we will always want better for ourselves or if not, more for ourselves.
so what's next.

1) be a more efficient technician. i've learnt to recognize and accept my limitations as a petite girl. but just like a rugby game, there's different roles and positions available in which we can still contribute.

2)  study hard. going back to sch next year, and it is not an easy course. i realllyyyyy want to ace everything. but i guess if i work consistently and have given my best with what i have, i should be proud of myself.

3) time management. this yr will be crucial. adapting to work and sch is priority. and its not just of this, but there are also the inevitable work/social resistance/politics and responsibilities.

4) climb more. gym more. go out more. idk how is that gg to fit in with sch and work and the need to earn more money to pay my sch fees (and get a laptop by jan). i guess i need to believe that taking a step back will allow me to take more steps forward and use it wisely.

5) God. 2015 has been all year dry. though this should be the first on the list, i'm still humbling myself and learning how to put Him as my first; this should be easy coz whenever i let God be my pilot and my compass, i find it easier to reconcile with the challenges and the difficult times.

6) people. there are really people worth losing. i've never thought i could come to terms with that, but as i grow older, i'm beginning to see the need to love myself first before i can love the people around me. it shouldn't really be justified as a selfish thought but perhaps a parameter for me to do better as a person overcoming my insecurities and self-esteem issues.

7) special you's. hahas. in one of my previous post, i did vomit out all my deepest thoughts and feelings. and to all the special 3, this yr it has been so mentally challenging that it has pushed me to finally let go coz it feels good to do so. of course, the quiet nights have given ample room for my mind to re-live those happy memories we had together, but i should also accept that it is ok to re-live those happy moments, but not allow them to be chains to the past.
instead of constantly being on an escape route and hurting people who comes along the way, i really should learn to accept myself, my past and know what i am doing.

8) probably save up more to bring mother poon overseas again. (and not just msia)

9) i did think of going into investments in 2015; i've got an investment plan too, but i'd like to take it abit further once i've settled down with sch and work.


10) haha haven't really thought much but perhaps generally as a person, as much as i want to give, i should learn how to recieve with grace too. having said that, i also want to be a better person to give the most of my ability. want to be a more patience person without lowering my standards and to better manage my expectations.




so that's pretty much about it.

hope to blog more this yr!
its a way for me to document my happy times and thoughts, to look back and smile at the things that have allowed me to be who i am today.