the slippery road

i just had a self-skidded accident at the carpark today.
perhaps its my (almost) 5 incidents of self-ski situation that i didn't feel afraid though my bike' bigger now.
i've learnt to recover in some, but fell quite badly in some, occassionally breaking my side mirrors.
today, my side mirror is now half broken. quite disappointing luh.
i'm still abit puzzled coz neither was i turning the bike or applying any brakes. i think i was in gear 1 when i throttle abit more to move. thank God it wasn't fast at all but just from a moving off position. actually, it was on the 2nd rev.
on the first, i felt the ski, but managed to stable back up pretty soon. but when i throttled abit more on the 2nd time, it happened again, but this time i couldn't recover.
so i skidded, fell on the side, and while on the bike i went half a round before the engine died.

thank God for the crash bars and my rubber exhaust protector that neither me or my bike sustained any scratches. besides, the carpark floor is sooo smooth, and hence slippery, that getting a scratch out of it is not easy also lah. hahas


but that's not that point.

another biker who was also parking came to help me. he helped me lift my bike up and asked if i was ok.
of course, i was alright, just abit embarrassed; after which he returned to his bike. he's ride is a bm motorrad (i think. not too good with bikes). i think i took a photo of it before. hahas!
i tried to start it but couldnt. electric start and then attmempting to throttle at the same time... unlike my previous spark, i dont have a kick start.
so, he returned!
he helped me start, tried to ask for some fuel dunowhat and went on explaining about the flooding and all. my delivery riders and i had a conversation once about recovering the bike from a fall in which we did mention smth about the flooding. but i didn't pay attention as i felt that it was too chim as it was before the time i did my aviation studies.
but ok, that was not the point.


he was an engineer.


in some sense, it was like another dejavu. my mind was thrown back into thoughts of the person that i didn't want to think of again.
whats with me and engineers these days man.
but its abit uncanny that it felt... too familiar. the way he thought, explained, rationaled, and conversed. maybe its just an engineer thing.
but i guess that whole episode should be over by now since its all too clear for me to ignore and hope for anything.



well.



ok. last fri, our cell group had a sharing with Daniel Jes.udason and his wife (ok, the full-stop there was to prevent search engines from arriving this space just in case blogger's function of disallowing it doesn't work).
they both explained how they met, got married and then did missions tgt. it was quite funny altogether.
they went png to do missions for about 12 yrs, and went on sharing abt how God is faithful and how they trusted Him even though sometimes it really didn't seem rational to do so. to me, the whole session really did encouraged me and motivated me abit in my worldly life, and more imptly, my Christian walk.
God provided them in alot of ways. i mean, they were both NUS grads. and then, came out to do mission w/o likka proper income. their fields were far out into the mountains to the unreached people group and they shared about their experiences with the 'sorcerers', the miracles, their life and so on. it was interesting how they learnt the daga and other tribal language (using their linguistic 'deciphering' skill taught in singapore).
ahha. they also explained like the language is has many symblic meanings... they can be conversing with words like "dagger, branch, hammer" and they would get it. so in another words, you need to be super familiar with the culture before you can even translate properly.
they went on and did many translations into books during their time there. they had their son there and they home schooled  him till he was about 8 yrs old before coming back to Singapore.
their son now is a president scholar. google Joshua Jes.udason. been reading his speeches and watching some of his debates vids on youtube ytd and he's really an inspiration. to me, these whole sharing was impt.
when i came back to read up more about him on the net, he was truly a humble fine leader who was true to servant leadership. in many ways, he's an inspiration.
both him and his parents.

there's really so, so much that i would wanna share and discuss with you but i know you wouldnt get it nor even want to converse with me anyway.
this is probably the small gap which is significant enough to let all the oxygen in to propagate the small flame into a burning inferno.


all in all, all these are really little invisible life post-its to push myself into serious reflection mode.
its been a while since i've lead a life that i can smile at, first. i mean, no one's journey is ever smooth sailing; at the very least, it should have a direction or at least, a bearing. it seems that not only have i lost my sight, i've lost all kinds of navigational system.


i did have a little thought, maybe i'm called to do missions.
well, i shun that idea away coz i must rmbr that sometimes when i do get excited about some things, it becomes an idea/desire from me and not from Him.


again, though work's been pretty stagnant since i've chosen to see things this way at the moment, i'm very much afraid that i've fallen into this mode where i just dont want to giveadamn about any thing. its not just bad for the operations / wherever i'm at, or more selfishly, i'm settling for a mind-destruction setting, its like on self-destruction mode, just that its on a slow and steady downhill course, just like how sometimes a plane can drop its altitude when the autopilot is off and reaching the waters in the dark of night even w/o the pilots knowing, despite the mess of audio warnings and signals. and maybe its because of this that i can't seem to make smarter decisions in which with much thought, i do believe that i am capable of making.

perhaps, this whole aviation things is just not for me.
nothing associated with this industry seems to work out fine for me.
perhaps my passion will just be killed in this strife on its own.

i dont want to think that i'm dependent on any more persons for advice or comments. well, i can secretly her you detesting me about me and my accused strength / ego. it's not. ok, i shouldnt bothered anyway.
its just that i should realise that now at this point in life, i shouldn't let my past efforts/experiences slip away because of some people and their assumption with 'everywhere is the same' statement; instead i need to start making more decisive decisions and fight for myself, before i can start making a positive change in someone's life and ideally change the world for a better place to live in. and well, i naively thought that this industry could be part of this  preposterous dream.



haha, going back to basic, ya, i should have studied harder.


recently its the poly graduation season.  very proud of my friend who topped her cohort in the SP architecture course. she're one cool and humble chic who didn't even know she emerged as the top student until she was called for a photoshoot. her mom was sharing how she was cheekily frustrated that she had to make a decision with the few big scholarships offered to her. ahhas. well, she wasn't complaining, but just whining about making big decisions to decide her path for the next 4 and eventually 10 yrs down.
and the funny thing of it all is that, she's just 'ok' with architecture... not entirely passionate like how she's towards her music. she plays fantastic guitar and sings charmingly well. i've known her since we're kids in the same dance sch.  we're still gg for classes tgt after all these yrs. so to see her grow into such a fine cool lady like this is quite gratifying.




so yes. quite a morning.
counting down my moments left in this company and perhaps, this whole scene.
well, the count may hold because...............i want to jianly get my bonus first!
at first i didn't want to get it coz i felt that i dont deserve it as towards the end, i have to admit that i've lost my drive to push for certain things. many friendly ppl have been telling me to 不要跟钱过不去. and besides, i did work pretty hard and perhaps too hard for the first 3/4 of the journey so i should acknowledge that. and besides, in this materialistic word that is evolving in a manner where values are just being undermined at whatever the cost, try to keep your head about the water if you can.


haha. blogged quite a bit today huh.
guess the road ahead is still going to be a slippery one. may i not skid and hurt myself so badly that i can't stand up again.
to end off, wana share a song with you. hahahas quite funny coz it comes up from my very cool tech savyy ipod nano. totally forgot that i have a few of my dad's fav albums he used to play in his room as he goes to sleep in it. and this song is damn apt. i had to replay it 3 times just to satisfy that this-song-speaks-it-all feeling. emphatic song. maybe yea, i love you too much to ever start liking you.

"Don't Expect Me To Be Your Friend" by LOBO

I stopped sending flowers to your apartment

You said you aren't home much anymore

I stopped dropping by without an appointment

Cause I'd hear laughter coming through your door.

Sometimes late at night you'll still call me

Just before you close your eyes to sleep

You make me vow to try and stop by sometime

Baby that's a promise I can't keep.

I love you too much to ever start liking you

So lets just let the story kinda end

I love you too much to ever start liking you

So don't expect me to be your friend.

I don't walk down through the village or other places

That we used to go to all the time

I'm trying to erase you from my memory

Cause thinking of you jumbles up my mind.

You always act so happy when I see you

You smile that way you take my hand and then

Introduce me to your latest lover

That's when I feel the walls start crashing in.

Composite Repair

hahas. no ones in the office now coz all on course! (which i was supposed to go but nvm. hahas)

well, ytd... i.had.my.first.facial.
AHHAHAS. omg. what an experience i tell you. and since its complimentary upon the sign up for the Career Fair under Jobstreet, why not right. but its a 2.5hrs process man.


its quite funny and freaky coz i was damn uncomfortable the whole time while the lady was using so many different kinds of solutions on my face. and duno how many layers of.... so many more layers.
then i thought about the Composite Repair i did in school. HAAHHAS.
coz the process is more or less similar. in fact, i think its more elaborate.
there was a period of time where there had this machine to blow oxygen onto ur face. for some reason, i thought of positive pressure feed. hahas.

aiya, whatever it was, after the whole long thing, my face was really super smooth. i think its the smoothest it can ever be since erm.. puberty i guess. hahhahas. its also cool coz they have got this urm... handheld magnifier machine that takes a still image of ur skin at x100000? times.and its quite interesting to see all the little lines on ur skin. and she went on to explain about the 3 layers and all. just like what i've learnt in bio class.

in the middle, she also asked me if i wanted to get my eyebrowns trimmed. ahahahhas. i was like... NO. then she went on "aiya, before i ask you, i alrdy know u sure say dun want looking at ur pattern". ahhas. what kind of pattern do i have may i ask? wahahs. but ya la. do alrdy sure need to maintain and i dun like all these kind things.


aiya. but all in all, quite useless coz 1 time ride bike home, ur face cui alrdy by all the dust and dirt.

its a very labour intensive thing. so i guess that's y the pricing has to be at a premium, also since the market is supposed to be part of the luxury goods cateogry.

to me, all these are really extra things in life that you dont need.
people make use of the loop holes in a society and then come up with a solution as fillers and then charge at a premium to make a profit out of it. talk about social conformity and pressures again man.


back to my life.


at this point of time, i just wanna say that i have 0.1% drive in life. its so pathetic that i dun even want to blog abt it.



ya. what a redundant post.
should have brought my kindle.
or, render more love and passion for whatever i'm doing now.
ugh.


last night while on the bed of the shop, it was a time i realized that i had stoppage in life finally. i mean, usually, when my eyes are open, i'm either travelling or doing something, never stopping to really have a pause-in-life. and when i go to sleep, usually i'd be playing my phone games to slp ur just go straight into knock out mode when i'm dead tired.
and so, for about 2hrs, i had alot to think in my life. i did explore certain possibilities of decisions in life, however, my thoughts were mostly on the issues that always hurt me the most.

honesty doesn't pays hur.
its probably even worse so in work situations. everyone has their own agenda, own KPIs, own expectations. should ur honesty jeopardize their route map, be sure to get undesirable reactions.
and honesty w/o understanding in relationships with people doesn't work either.
so really, do we have to be honest at all times?
can honesty be undermined with certain purposes or goals?
personally, i dont think so, so all in all, the only solution is to suck it up and face all the unfavorable circumstances when people just choose not to understand.


and for the record, i guess i can stop going to redundant places to do redundant things that help me to cope with my now redundant feelings for redundant people. what a good range of  adjectives.
sometimes, i can spent hours just sitting there with your... thing...which gives me some form of comfort that u're with me. for an opportunist like me who supposedly like to make use of my time, i guess by doing that it really means i'm either that passionate, or just that desperate.
hahas. looking back, its all because of that fateful day. i should have never have an accident and allowed myself to feel vulnerable. i should have never allowed such feelings to evolve into something more detectable.

hate this useless life i'm living right now and i guess i should seriously consider leaving the aviation industry altogether.

nothing ever works out.





i.need.to.get.out.of.this.country.
love the country,
but having trouble with the people at micro levels.

Would u bring me back?

Wanted to go pasir ris park to see if the fireflies still exist. 

But I'm afraid to be alone in the dark.

So, I wanted to go changi beach to watch planes landing. 

But somehow it doesnt feel right.

So, I ran to ecp. Here I am, by the breakwaters hoping to catch a glimpse of planes landing. But I dun think its often planes would fly by the Indian ocean because of ETOPS. I may be wrong though. But not a bad inferential skill there. Haha. And I've got salt water occasionally splashing on me now.

The waves are crashing.

Pretty windy

And getting cold while my perspiration is evaporating off me.

Wish u were here.

These are some of the things I would wanna spend time doing with u. Imu.

Wonder how are u.

What are u doing now.

Such days. Again.

Today, I thought of the day we spent at walking around the airport terminal. I thought of the first thing u taught me abt the ulb sensor. And then the morng sunrise while towing JSO. I thought of the times spent with u in the cockpit especially my last day when uploading all the data (via floppy disk btw, haha) was sucha pain. Hahha.

idky all these supposed insignificant events seemed so clear to me today. But I hope they will fade away eventually. 

Just hope that like the waves, all these will tide over soon. 

I guess u may have forgotten me by now and thats what I should be hoping for anyway right. I wish that life will treat u well and u'll find a lady who's worth loving unconditionally to spend the rest of ur life with. Serious.

So now, I may regret once hitting this publish button, but I just want u to know that I'm very sad to have lost a friend like you. I know I will never be able to handle this well and idk how much time I will eventually need.

Sometimes, I really hope to be doing the so many things for u, but I know u wouldnt like it just like how I should rmbr that u dont like surprises.

Now I'm feeling damn chill. Idk how to get back. Should have brought my ez link card out. Haha. the run back is gonna be long

And I guess thats how its gonna be without u by my side.

Will u come and bring me back?

outlook

well well. 

whats with engineers liking my mind / conceptualized thoughts. 

kinda dejavu.

ok, last few wks of work, i'm subtly tying up all the loose ends and even gg to the extend of sharing my hard work analysis flights in excel files to some of my colleagues. 

because of the upcoming biggg annual meetings, i've done quite a few ppts which impressed the boss/es. 

to not review so many things here cut the story short, i've actually had a good wk though it was mad busy. i've received some kind advice on how to deal with the politics, but at the end of the day, i did realize that.... i, just wanna hear some advice from you.

i guess though i may be stubborn, i do listen and take in info to re-evaluate to affirm or refuse right. hahas. sigh.

ok. friday night. 

it was estee's long time friend's bday and she was invited. she didn't want to go alone so i accompanied her. hahas. though we're friends for so long.. it was the first time we went to a club together. hahas.

it was alittle bit funny coz the bday guy is never the clubbing type and his circle of friends are all the... what you would call... the 'decent' type whom dun usually club. it was open table, so entry is FOC. hahahas.it was quite funny coz while all other tables were pretty happening, our table was just sitting down decently, trying to talk to each other despite the loud music. but nevertheless, hope the bday boy had a good time with all his long lost friends! hahas. 

there was this guy who was super familiar. i can't rmbr where i've seen him from before in my life, but i suspect that he's one of the competitors from my bowling circle. but yea, all so grown up now.

made a new friend.... she's working as a management trainee in a bank. pretty cool.

so that's pretty much abt it. 

since there wasn't much to do/talk, was just subtly observing everyone from one corner. 

gosh the girls are really hot, but superficially though. haha!

for a few moments, it did feel abit awkward when guys looked at me. not that i'm chio or what, but i guess its just human nature for a male to be looking at a female esp when u're put into that kind of environment. it felt awkward when sometimes you're being caught looking eye to eye. i didnt know how to respond when the opposition smiles, but i guess all i could manage was to look away asap.

while in my corner observing, was thinking alot of logical/rational nat geo stuff. like.. why do girls wanna wear like that in a club? from my little survey, i think at least 80% of the ladies were in heels. probably 98% wore skirts or dresses, and out of these 98%, 99.9& of them probably had the length of their skirts/dresses above their knees. 

geez. i feel likka nerd now. ahhahas. eh. credits to my observation skills in the dark OK. 

and that brings me to another point, honestly, its quite dark, so why bother wearing so nice after all right? hahahas. then i thought of the peacock kingdom where the males flaunt their feathers to attract the females. actually now that i'm on this topic, i guess most of the male animals in the animal kingdom are the ones who take e extra effort to attract the females right? i mean my knowledge of animals is very limited, but i think  its mostly the males making a move for such an attraction. the other inverse one i can think of is the black widow who kills her mate after mating. hahahahas. 

ok. no,  at this moment, i'm not trying to prove any point here. hahahahhaas. it just feels so.... boycotted. where everything can be so expensive, like entry fees, the drinks and so on, and ppl still pay for it. its probably likka 300% markup or smth. can't imagine the revenue and then the profit vs the guy who's also making lotsa money from the rental of floor space. if i can recall correctly, 1 bottle of alcohol may just be $30 at DFS in the airport, while at the club, that same bottle may be at $150. i mean taking into consideration of the taxes and stuff uh.

well, i also just recalled, this may just be the first time i finally wore some feminine clothes to a club! wahhahahahas. was a shocking recollection. from what i rmbr, i'm always wearing my fav (cool) black tee and pants. i can't wear the pants coz of a wound on my knee which i need to not let it get in contact with anything. i can't be wearing my usual baggy/work pants too right. so, mother poon suggested that i wore shorts/skirt and the pretty top she got me from cine a few months back (havent wore it out b4. ahhahahhaha). yup, and i had eyeliner + heels too! so for last night, finally felt likka lady. hahahha!!! but with the bruised knee and the long-time-nv-wear-heels ankles, it felt like some kind of fitness man. hahaha.

drank abit. also, its been a long time since i've drank. i still clearly (what an ironic word to use when i was not so super clear then) rmbr the last time i had a bit too much because i was emo. i also rmbr taking the first bus home, getting changed and gg to sch the next day to dismantle & install the APU of a Cessna (i think?) and made it as one of the best practical. ahhahhahas.

but yea, its been a long time, so though it was just a couple of glasses, i did felt the effect of the alcohol. had thoughts of whoever again, but this time i do have to value self control coz one should never really blame it on the alcohol right. ahhahas.

ya. so that was that.

and today morng, was kim and desmond's wedding at church! only had like 4 hrs of slp.

couldn't get the eyeliner off coz i dont have a makeup remover and my soap wasn't effective enough. but thankfully, i think the eyeliner was the power waterproof kind, so it was still useable this morng. HAHAH. #jialat at the maximum level. anyhow wore a dress today. and,  your mum told me i look really pretty in a dress. :') i didnt really know how to respond though.

but weddings are nice, and though i always think that i dont have much feelings for them, each time the bride walks down the aisle with her dad/mom, i would tear. idky also. its not during the exchanging of vows or what, but its always at that moment even though i'm not thinking of anything or anyone. further more, i was like half-awake, not fully sober and siting beside mother poon. so i was like literallly fighting those pointless tears back like mad. 

after e wedding, went back to rest and napzz. needed that power nap man.

then went out with sis and mother poon.

the usual shopping n dinner. 

wanted to buy alot of things, but since i dont have the buying power, i had to tahan and maintain. hahas. but that was enough to remind me to work hard and get a good job that allows me to get paid well eventually.

BUT. i.bought.3.bottles.of.nail.polish.for.$18.90,

just because it was $7.90 for 1 bottle. hahhaahahahas. sheesh. i mean, i've always been playing testing out the testers at that shop, but could never really wanted to pay that kind of money for some liquid that never last long my nails.  but today.............

hahahhahahas. whatever la. 

and so,  i guess i'm becoming more girly now. eyeliner, nail polish and all. AHHAH.

i honestly did think of changing my image to wear more femininely/ professionally for work. However, if i would need at least 10 sets of clothes to go around. i can't me like... wearing nicely for 1 day and the next day (because of the lack of resource ahhahahs) i go back to the cargo pants and shirt right. ahhahhas.

ok. watching Air Force One now. so amazing that the 747 is put to sucha config and the extent of work done to keep the flight safe and secured.

and i'm sleepy now. gg to zzzzzzz. nite and thanks for reading my rubbish today.

Need some serious advice now.

The Moon Embracing the Sun

almost 2 wks that i've not blogged.
i guess coz its also coz i'm learning to let go of the so many things in life.

sometimes we try too hard
and we have to rmbr that we cannot always expect/get things to fall in the place we want it to be.
and sometimes, when we dont understand, its because in life, there are many things in life we shouldnt try to comprehend or put a logic to it anyways. instead of searching for countless answers, why dont we just live in the moment of discovery rather than searching.



been playing games on the phone. wasting time. but its a good frame to relax.

also, i dun usually watch korean dramas, but been watching The Moon Embracing the Sun. i like female lead characters like such. it gives me some kind of faith-in-life man. #goodprevails but not without much perseverance and determination. haha. 百折不挠 的精神 man. haahhas and ya ok, the male lead is handsome. so handsome that mother poon keeps saying so while watching together with her. hahas.

oh yes, watched Spiderman! :) my all time fav super hero. and Stacy Gwen is too cute. the situation of their relationship also looks....... familiar. hahas. anyway, and just like the lead female character in the korean drama, Gwen is smart too. all these wise ladies who puts other before themselves, loves with a mind, always having the bigger picture on hand, self-sacrifical.... all very inspiring qualities of a lady whom i do aspire to be.

oh yes yes. the biggest thing i've done for the week was throwing the letter when he was saying stuff pertaining to that.
i think i've had enough. though i'm gonna be pretty sad coz i'm gg to lose this big opportunity for learning, but i need to remind myself to be clear and its not something that i've decided irrationally.
and perhaps, i'm disappointed to say, this may not be the industry for me after all. its not entirely based on me giving up, but i need to re-think and perhaps, stop being so critical at the same time. idk. i need advice; at the moment, i dont have any hopes or dreams.
i will definitely miss the relationship i have with aircrafts if i should leave this entirely.


and at the rate i'm failing, i'm really becoming numb to it all and its a good thing. perhaps, all these won't stop; not until the day i've truly learn to overcome disappointments and failures, just like that *snaps fingers*.


well, on a side note, we won the Womens B category on 3rd may. we lost the mens and opens A to Todaks. Mixed to be played tmr evening.
hmm. haven't had much contact trng coz the national girls are trng for ARFU. been meeting up with friends for dinner. spent time with estee. we watched movie together, in a couple seat. hahas. :') a first for me. HAHAH..
and ya, continue to play more games in times when not doing anything.


been lazy.
room is becoming a mess.
bills are piling.
and i need to think of more contingency plans.


hahas. and congrats to me, i finally got myself a life insurance. i never bothered/ wanted to know how to deal with all these life issues, but thanks a friend of mine, got some things covered in life.
if i do go into depression, can i get claim? hahahas


ok. at this point of time, i must say that my life is getting boring and i dont have anything interesting to share. i'm losing that zest in life altogether. perhaps one of the more uplifting thing is that recently, one of my friend was telling me, that another friend, who randomly bumped into her, was telling her that he felt that "i was his inspiration.... the girl who aspires to get many things accomplished in life".
when she told me that, i chuckled.
of course, secretly happy. but it felt like a rock just felt from the sky and hit my head. riding home, i was thinking about it all. in the past, i wasnt like that. vs now, i dun even know where i stand or how to compare. to say that i feel disappointed is an understatement.
i think i reallly needa get out of this country and hide for awhile. if mother poon was more... occupied, or if dad was still around, i'd go overseas for a long period of time.

well, in the midst of the job hunting, i've also submitted applications to a few overseas posting.
had a few subtle offers too, but i still needa consider some stuff.
and yes, seriously upset that i'm vertically challenged. very.



so many things i wanna share with you.
just typed a long mess but i backspaced it all coz i guess this should be all.
i really should stop it.





ANYWAYS.
i'm planning a bagpacking trip to Sapa in Vietnam. i needa new perspective in life so i wanna climb a mountain. hahas. most likely to fly to Hanoi, night train to Sapa and trek and climb Fanxipan, the tallest peak in Indochin. probably about 7 days. anyone interested? trying to keep all the cost below $800, including airfare. so expect to be pitching tents (no, serious. hahas).
i would go alone if i'm a boy coz mother poon would be worried.

ya, so msg me if anyones seriously interested in eloping this place (but only for a few days) in hiatus. 

also,
Happy mothers day to Mother poon who is the mother of all coolz stuffz. I think its rare to find a lady who is over 60yrs old, who has memberships in 77th street and minitoons, who asks her tired kids to "chill out at cine" at 1am and who is able to support this family on her own when her husband left her all of a sudden. Thank u for all the horrendous nightmare canings in one corner to beat me up to who am I today. thank u for being who are and a mother strong lady.

to me, just with broken friend/relationships, i'm having a hell of a time internally. so i must say, i dont think i can comprehend how you felt when daddy left us all of a sudden in a period of over 5 days. He was ur first love since u were in ur teenage yrs. so having to lose someone who has been with you for over 40 yrs, that i can't understand the pain. alrdy, i'm feeling super lonely without him around but i guess this is just a fraction of what u've gone through. so for that, thank you for being Mother poon. even though i don like it when you constantly nag say the same thing over and over again, but i know u mean me well. thank you for trusting me with my life as well, always allowing me to do things independently, even to the extent of making me take the MRT alone when i was 9 yrs old (while boeingpoon had to secretly stalk me throughout the journey. hahas) u've never really given me restrictions or curfews since young and i guess its because u have trusted your discipline-ing skills as well. hahas. but yea, those cannings and throwing me out of the house was effective to some extent.
and because u have faith in me, i'm able to explore and experience many things in life.
haha, suddenly i've got an imagery in my head - of a cacoon. like a caterpillar turning into a chio butterfly, no one should help break to the cacoon coz thats how the wings get the strength to fly. u're just like that. idk how to link it in words, but ya, along those lines.

wanna share a song, one of the soundtracks from Spiderman movie.

i guess the song pull lotsa chords within though i dont pretty much agree with some words of the lyrics. but still, still a nice song to listen to. go listen!

"Gone, Gone, Gone" by Phillip Phillips

When life leaves you high and dry

I'll be at your door tonight

If you need help, if you need help.

I'll shut down the city lights,

I'll lie, cheat, I'll beg and bribe

To make you well, to make you well.

When enemies are at your door

I'll carry you away from war

If you need help, if you need help.

Your hope dangling by a string

I'll share in your suffering

To make you well, to make you well.

Give me reasons to believe

That you would do the same for me.

And I would do it for you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on

I'll love you long after you're gone.

For you, for you.

You will never sleep alone.

I'll love you long after you're gone

And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

When you fall like a statue

I'm gon' be there to catch you

Put you on your feet, you on your feet.

And if your well is empty

Not a thing will prevent me.

Tell me what you need, what do you need?

I surrender honestly.

You've always done the same for me.

So I would do it for you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on,

I'll love you long after you're gone.

For you, for you.

You will never sleep alone.

I'll love you long after you're gone

And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

You're my back bone.

You're my cornerstone.

You're my crutch when my legs stop moving.

You're my head start.

You're my rugged heart.

You're the pulse that I've always needed.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.

Like a drum my heart never stops beating...

For you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on.

I'll love you long after you're gone.

For you, for you.

You will never sleep alone.

I'll love you long after you're gone.

For you, for you.

Baby, I'm not moving on,

I'll love you long after you're gone.

For you, for you.

You will never sleep alone.

I'll love you long, long after you're gone.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.

Like a drum, baby, don't stop beating.

Like a drum my heart never stops beating for you.

And long after you're gone, gone, gone.

I'll love you long after you're gone, gone, gone.

MayDay

Hell.o.

its been a tough ride.

been trying learning to reconcile life and what i've learnt in my almost 25 yrs of living

been submerged in my deepest of thoughts

been trying to allow discovery

been quiet, yet loud in the inside.

i just dont get it. i just can't get it.

from young, we've been taught to work hard if we want to succeed. 

currently as i move into quarter life crisis, i'm towards the inclination that it will never be an overall fair equation. however, i guess it should at least be an enough subtle driving force towards survival adaptation right.

last week, there was a period of time i was just going through the motion of life w/o a drive or purpose of anything. it was quite bad coz i just didn't want to do anything while life was totally at a blank. all i wanted to do was to go home, hide myself in my room and play phone games. i didn't even want to bother much about the social media nor whats happening around me.

i had simply given up on life / living.

u should have seen how i responded to anything. 

honestly, i'm not too sure if this is really part of the growing up process where ppl around all tell me "its the same everywhere". more and on, i do see myself changing into someone i cant trust; and i really dont like it.

all i could hope for is time to do it wonders.

i felt that i've got no more energy left to do anything right 

today i went Popular and while waiting for a friend, i went to browse through some books. saw the o level papers. haha. memories i tell you. i look at those questions and i still rmbr those desperate moments raising against time. we studied so hard in that 4 yrs just for that 9 papers. and for me, i guess when my dad left me towards the end of sec 2, it did affect my grades and everything.

if i could re-live my life, i would want to do my o's again. hahas. 

anyway.. this is the English paper. i think i chose Qn3. haha. looking back, i guess i didn't do well coz i  did write some stuff to 'promote' singlish; that our language is what that made us unique. haha. true what. can't rmbr anything else other than talking about the excellent sg dishes like 'char kway teow' which i think the ang mohs wouldn't appreciate nor understand. - how to score like that. hahas. i guess my love for the country didn't do me good for that moment, wahhahas.

looking at the 5 questions again at this very point of time in life is really damn apt. i did briefing browse through others year's paper, and i must say that this, my very year is the package that very much applies to me right now.

qn 1- been talking about these recently. like what's the point of having an education if it doesn't prepare people for the workforce. yea, going through the motion of studying is probably the ultimate learning point rather than the subject itself; as studying teaches people to learn from information, process it to be useful answers. but i guess, looking at how people 'work' and respond to situations, i do wonder if the education systems work for the general public. i guess that's why also the GEP programmes started to surface in 2000.

qn 2- haha. omg. this is just like a safety report of the recent incident for work can. somemore, just last tues, ec organized a yrly safety campaign. quite a big thing. with my work experience in the aviation industary, i can can probably give u a big long list of things to write.

qn4 - hahas, again how apt. this is exactly the biggest highlight of my life right now. "what factors affect my choice?" politics? bosses? collegues? SOPs? ahhas. wonder what i would have written as a 16 yr old then - model ans like career progression / love job / good money ? hahas.

qn5 - haha, i guess they always save the best for the last. how can we even write a 30m essay about something that we dont even know or dont even have time to explore especially coming from an all girls convent sch. hahas. i think the examination markers would have a good time laughing. i would love to read essays written by the boys from the boys sch though. hahahs.

well, i should dig out all those essays (if i still have them) and see what i've written. it would be good to do a comparison of wth are we thinkg then vs now that we're being exposed to the world that always seek for an equilibrium than never will exist.

anyway, that God for this 1 precious day of public holiday when i was able to meet up some ppl to realign my life in order to survive in this society. as much as i really dont want to bother about all these, but i guess these are the transparent passports that we need in order to survive in this counrty / world. 

at least i'm finally doing smth about it.

life's been too congested with the quiet thoughts. the irony of the situation.

and just like maslow's hierchy, i'm probably on level 1 / 2. where i'm just functioning on this planet to meet my physiological and safety needs. with these 2 levels severely in construction, i dont even have sufficient pockets of air to even attempt to reach up to the 3rd level. its a good thing actually; because i'm just too physchologically preoccupied with so many issues, i dont really have time or energy left for other things, even if they should matter.

in gaps of mental isolation and solitude, i did think of...certain people or even to the slight extent of life/family planning. however, these short burst of  transmitting impulses across synapses gets intercepted by the reminders of my severe humanly flaws. well, i mean no one is prefect. but if i can't accept who i am or come to terms with what i'm unable to do, i get that strong kind of 没资格 (inadequate) feeling.

so yes. every aspect of my life now is undergoing some kind of restructuring, and in the process, i'm seeking out for a drive, motivation to keep me going, and focused. honestly, its like being stuck in bangkok traffic, it gets so cluttered that i dont even know where i'm heading. i don have exactly anyone to talk to coz right now, no one can be trusted. not for the 'bad' / not trustworthy reasons, but its just that, i'm force to accept that every single one will fight for themselves and never for others. family ties aside i guess. hence, advices are not really to help to bring you to a better place, but just for them to elevate themselves while bringing u down / elsewhere.

though i feel that i'm turning into a very, very negative person, i dont want to this whole episode to really alter who i am; from what i value; from my beliefs. responsible. integrity. persevere / determination. these are probably the 3 clearest value that i hold on to tightly. though situations are indeed starting to test these pillars, i hope they are strong enough beacons for me to move on in life.

on a side note, somehow, alot of things that u've said to me before has been residing in my head alot. idk if they were really meant for my good / to prove to be useful as i go about living, but i am affected. 

i'm starting to fear inner strength and perseverance coz they lead to big time disappointments or, misunderstood pride. i no longer believe in my judgements or decisions on things. i seem to have lost a lot self-belief. its not just a low self-esteem kinda thing, but something more... heavy. idk. i also do rmbr the stuff u've said to me about my jobs and friends, and i still can't get over them. idk if its because i still place a significant value to the things u've said to me or, its the because the fact that all these subtle resentments has snowballed into a turbulent avalanche. good or bad, best is to erase them all. because, good or bad, erasing them means increasing capacity and reducing weight/drag, technically tested and proven.

whatever it is, it is 2am now and time to slp. TGIF tmr though i think its a zhor-tang day for an even longer wkend.

meeting up with her for a run this morng was one of the best things that happen to me for the recent weeks.