#hashtag #misery #bitchmodeON

i'm gonna list all the shit that has happen, just for today only....
well (on a brighter note), so that i can count my blessings when the good days do come.
(oh wow, sorry for the long post ahead)

seriously. ahahas. but wows, i'm blogging again.
today i really had a trying day. everything seems to be testing my patience.
let's start in chronological order. but disclaimer first, i'm like in my annoyed bitch mode now. so, i have no bigpictureshit in mind, and i'm just probably finding fault at every nitty gritty shit, for just today. ok. lets even do a count on it. btw, profanities for the day probably hit like the monthly quota alrdy. my vocab is probably in an inverse relationship with angsty-ness and profanities. so yea, sorry for the uncouth behaviour in which i shall not regret. oh, and note the #hashtag. #justtryingtobeabitch #waystobesarcasitc #cozigirl

1. i woke up, almost late for work. actually mother poon woke me up at 0510hr (coz she sometimes can't sleep until that time. probably its a wife thing, coz she also make sure my dad is not late for his morng shift). but ok, that's not the bad thing i'm trying to say. i woke up late coz i actually had a freaking good surreal dream. i dream about kh. it wasn't likka M18 shit, but like.. i dreamt about a  very sweet us. like how we gazed at each other eyes. how u held my had while sitting in a... van(?) and didnt wanna let go, while i laid my head on ur shoulder with big wide smile.
bits and pieces of good... times. idk if they are memories coz they all seem blurry to me now, but i just felt really at peace in the dream. so much so that i didn't even hear my phone and digital clock alarm. so waking up with a good dream with u in it like that left me in a limbo. though i knew i was running a little late, i sat on the bed for about 1 min, trying to sync in reality. but i couldn't get out of that limbo state... i brushed my teeth, put on my overalls, started my bike, all with visions of a smiling u in my head. WTS right. i really couldn't snap out of it. i couldn't rmbr the ride to work, but once i reached the cp, i put down my side stand, and told myself, fck off girl. u're no longer exist in his world. now its time to freaking go to work, and be safe so tt i can get home safe for mother poon. so yea.
i got onto the lift, looked at myself in the mirror of the lift, and i rmbred telling myself, he doesn't want u anymore, i've got much better things to do.

2. at work. ok. was assigned to this engr. so abt to prep and all, then assignment changed. ok. nvm, can. #opsdemand. then want go out, no spare. got spare then no veh for apu job. so we went out late. ok nvm.

3. the job involved trying to remove a seized bolt. its a handover job and apparently, escalated quite high that one of the snr mgmt had to come down personally to try. ok nvm.  #respect #effort. #atleastoutofoffice. he go up, got harness, no landyard, no gloves. and still say me? #can #safetybeginswithme #safetyatalllevels #issit

4. this technician, also collecting is workschd for his B1 type license, is still a technician, macham like engr alrdy sia. i think its just me, being annoyed and jealous, but let's just document it down here so i can look back and lol at this reaction in years to come. knn. i 好心 lend u my tools. pls dont make it sound as if i'm personally there for u to pass u my tools. maybe this one i bitch. maybe coz u treat me like a bro (which is good), but i am not here just to pass u tools btw. for the record, he forgot to take his harness from the vehicle. he actually asked one of the trainee tech (who is also a girl), to walk all the way to the fwd side of the bay, where the veh was, just to personally deliver his harness for him. bro. thought u wanna be man about work. wanna be hero all. harness cannot ownself take issit. #beyourownhero #everysuccessfulmanhasawomanbehind

5. i'm a girl. so its a misery to begin with. coz the job is only accessible by 2 ladders. so each time i wanna go up, the tech will say, wait ah, wait ah. wait until clock out loh.
so as a girl, sometimes its not that u cant work  / inadequate / no skill. u're simply not given the chance to work, to experiment, to explore. so when the time/rare opporunty comes (eg. when not enough manpower, and bo bian need to use u) and u need to perform, u're actually doing it for the first time. so when u duno how it really works (coz nv do b4), u kena the ohcozshegirl. bitch. i give u do first time u see u can 100%.  but yea, on this point, this is my daily struggle, so not really an issue. used to it liao. #cozigirl #notexpectedtoperformanyway #goodalsocoztyco #nevercozskill

6. i lend u my tools. ok. u want to use hammer to knock, ok. but fyi, there's a reason why I PASS U THE DRIFT. y must u use my 12" 3/8 drive extension to (attempt to) knock the bolt out. if like u need that extsn for access, FINE. but eh. no leh. y cannot use the drift for its purpose of its existence? if i rich ok la, spoil at most buy new one ah. but sorry hor, now i struggling to pay sch fees. u buy me new one if rounded ok? thanx
for this, i wanna justify one thing. i really try to be understanding. but being kind, understanding, patience, doesn't do good for ur wallet. got one time i openly lend my tools. knn. use my 9/16 gear wrench to BREAK TORQUE. bro. i got spanner. i even got 9/16 spline. y must use my gear wrench? so in the end, the internal gear probably broke or smth, can still work but isnt smooth.
on another instance, i lend someone my tool, totally lost and gone. snap-on bro.
another one, i lend my 3/8 drive ratchet handle, u use the ratcheting side as hammer. bro. u use the handle part, i still can tahan. u use the ratcheting side for f?! u're not gg to get the leverage u need to with that 3/8 drive movable part there. so, in the end, not surprisingly and almost expectedly (looking at the way the tool is being treated), the gear inside broke. couldn't turn the ratcheting ANYMORE. was abit annoyed that time. but since i had time, i managed to find a way to secretly fixed it until its good as new. #goodjobgirl #butustillgirl
and lastly, on another instance, i bought this extension pole just reach this t/r button. i really 好心 put in the dept to let everyone use so ppl dun have to push step just to reach that button. ppl take and use, never put back, nvm. so got one time, i can't find it (coz ppl nv put back at its original place).. so i went around to search high and low for it. in the end... i found it.. at the back of the van. broken. the plastic handle part was obviously used to hit hard metal part, while the end of the stick was broken off and now shorter. KNN. excuse me. no.1, u borrow u never ask, its ok. but at least put back. no2. u freaking broke it, (and didn't have the brains to realize the a hollow aluminium rod has 0 impact strength on anything that is needs whacking.), maybe at least INFORM. i wont kiamsup-ly ask u to pay it coz its a $7.90 tool which i have alrdy have the mindset that it's gonna be gone. but not like this pls. so until today, its still broken, and shorter. i just deburr it and tape it around so can still use for its purpose. but just annoyed coz i'm alrdy so short, and u just wanna make it more challenging for me.

7. my shift was diff from the guys so i had to leave the ac, so i wanna keep my tools. but they needed some of my tools, ok can. so he wanted to borrow this small cutter of mine. reason being.. coz 'shiok to use'. eh.
ok. to put things into perspective, he needed a cutter for the cotter pin. like those huge one. (the same guy who used my extsn bar as a drift) Y MUST U USE MY SMALL CUTTER. i specially, specifically, scientifically, technically, bought that relatively expensive cutter just to reach hardtoreach access areas that need to cut those thin eni lockwire. coz sometimes u really just need one small good accutae madeinJapan precision cutter so it makes ur life easier. but no. u had to use that small cutter for ur big cotter pin.. bc 'shiok to use'.
the tool box that we took had a cutter. and, i even (in my most patient unagitated voice) said like, eh, i lend u my cutter also coz this one i buy to use for those eni lockwire at under cockpit /pedastal area. he still emphasize 'nvm ah. shiok to use'. that is x2. fck it. i was just too annoyed with the same guy. whatever. bare minimum, just make sure no tool is left in the ac.

8a. so while the other guys were busy, i had to close the t/r, with another trainee LAE. holy cow. he duno how to close fan cowl eh. EH BRO. u alrdy in OJT phase. and, its been at least 2 mths u here liao eh. i T2 eh, i do many other ac types eh. u everyday only this one ac type ehhhhh. #candontanot
this one just irritates me max. i'm just annoyed everyday abt engineers, esp trainee engrs who dont give a shit about their job. ok, if u dont wanna take the initiative to ask / to learn / to work / to try / to act / to look bz , at least how know to open fan cowl can? no need tools one eh. u just need to press button. ok for this type, maybe abit 'tricky' to u coz need to unlatch the lock using the handle. but bro. this one really for ur own good. at least know how to open the fan cowl? if u from like cmu or what, ok ah. but pls ah, next time dont say u ojt from our dept. later ppl think we nv work on engine.
then ah. ok la, coz i was bz closing all the other latches on my own, so i had to ask him to push away the step so can close the cowl. then like.. he was like struggling to push the step(?). as he was trying, got this like screechy sound. #SLAPSHEAD #INBOLD eh bro. MAYBE THE STEP LOCK. just maybe ah. maybe u wanna try unlocking it? maybe it will work? #justmaybe. i alrdy down there closing everything by myself (good coz finally can work w/o ppl trying to not let me work), so ah, u only got 1 job which is to push the step away. i dun think u need experience to realize if something is stuck, i.e does not move with effort, maybe u wanna LOOK AROUND, or at least think about y got screechy sound. eh. lucky is step lock eh. i cannot imagine if like stuck coz of the engine in the way or smth, then keep pushing. hahas. #Godhelpme
so anyway, he pushed the step away, engine fully closed, then go back veh sit. issit the step no need to put back? then all the tools will walk back ah. since we're at this, i also wanna add on. hahas.

8b. u also duno how to appy anti-seize. ok. maybe if u a technician with many yrs of experience and still duno how to apply correctly, i can still understand eh. but hor, u local degree graduate eh. XXX mech engrg, specializing in aerospace. (feeling ashamed to typed that out-not my sch btw.), do u even understand do material science, or at least, read the shit out of it. coz i saw how he applied the anti-seize compound........... ok, ideally, u need to mix it up, so that the oil (in layman's term) and those super tiny ball bearing-ish compound shit can be mixed to be a... anti-seize compound- made for its purpose as with the name obviously puts it. so he just apply a few drops of the floating oil on the thread. eh bro. ppl alrdy scoop some out, put on the cover so can reach for it w/o getting ur hands dirty. good that u wearing disposible gloves though, but even more so, #WHYbroWHY.
so i tried to erm.. teach educate share my knowledge/experience abit.. i say like.. eh bro.. need to have abit of the thick thick stuff on it coz it inside got tiny bearings to anti-seize it ah.. then he was like 'oh yea, i know'. #ohbrother. #uknoweh. (but then hor, i see like ur 4, 5 bolts all just a few drops of the oil eh). is that maximum effort? or issit u trying to cut cost. #bitchmodeon #buthowtobitchmodeoff


8c. everyday, these 2 trainee engrs who is about same as my shift just annoys me. i know i'm in no position to judge or care. but they come in, sit there play phone. dun bother about what tools to prep, its ok, nvm. but ur engrs all prepping the docs, the spares.. issit u know everything alrdy? even when in ac, sometimes the job done alrdy, just go back veh sit down. issit all the tools and u/s items will ownself walk back to the veh. sometimes even ah, the techs all working on other jobs, then the engr go do his inspn on his own.. like need to open apu door and all... they can just go sit in the veh eh. eh wows. u really buaypaiseh ah? ppl drive u to the bay eh. look bz abit la. pick up the rags or smth. so hor, i guess i shouldn't be surprised if u duno how to open the fan cowl. ok ah. at least u know that come to bay need to wear vest.


9. ok so work ended. supposed to go meet this carousell buyer. he agreed to meet at this place at 5.30pm. i reached there, texted him.. no reply. ok nvm. 10mins later, i sms him via his number. another 15mins later, then he replied that he got something on then cant come.
EHH. u got something on 5.30pm cannot text ah. ppl working on ac can afford to be responsible to check /reply at certain timings / deadlines... issit u doing like some diving/underwater job that u can't use ur phone.. or driving or whatever. ok maybe la. idk, so i can't judge and i'm gonna give u the benifit of the doubt coz its also not my problem to find anything to validate ur tardiness/ absence. so in the end, i waited for 30mins, then go home. he suggested to meet tmr. #okigiveuonemorechance. but ok, i have to note, he was kind enough to apologize, and say like 'i dont mind paying more' for the item'. ok la, i admit i cheepo trying to earn money, so i wont feel insulated that u ask me that, but i think i also got that integrity and pride to keep it at that agreed price. #okgivemyselfsomerespectabit


10. ok, so i wanted to go home liao. i went to my bike which was in the bike lot... knn. kena trapped by 1 bike by the side and 1 car by the front. diagonally behind is a abit of a grass patch. come out is can come out. but sia la. duno how many times i fwd back fwd back fwd back.
but hor, to neutralize it, earlier on when i reach the cp area, i was like.. oh wow. at least got 1 more bike lot for me eh. (coz usually that area bike lot always full). haha. so i guess such goodness on a bad day isn't gonna be good after all seyyy.


11. finally rode home. otw home, i was just mentally thinking.. i really hope i do make it home safely. murphy's law today really game strong. so yes, nothing much happened otw home, other than a few cars cutting into my lane w/o signalling in which i had to apply break. at least no need jam break. almost home. then like while i was just 1.5 m away for my usual lot, this teenage who was smoking, spat right into my lot. if i'm having a good day ah, ok la, whatever, go another lot loh. but hor.... with all these rage at work, buyer not turning up so my trip down is wasted, and i just need 1 more sec to park my bike so i can end my day peacefully, U HAD TO SPIT IN MY LOT. got drain at the side. got grass patch 2m infront.... Y MY LOT SIA. i infront of u, and alrdy going in to my lot.. y that lot.
#Fannoyed.


so yes. i'm homed now. spent so much time blogging redundant stuff that does not add value to my life nor anything positively interesting to whoever happen to even bother reading this. if u really manage to read through the whole chunk of vomitted shit, i wanna thank u. i hope the #bitchmodeON comes off as something u can LOL at coz i think i would when i'm in a more... peaceful state.
but yea. i think its to a point that its so funny to be this annoyed. idk if u can call it #passionate or what. but sorry. i've alrdy passed the point where i agree that being hardworking or capable in life doesn't take u far/anywhere, but all these ah. just pls dun disturb my tools and i.


idk if its something to be thankful for actually.
i'm sooooo annoyed by so many little things, that i didn't even have any emoness left to emorant on twitter or send out negative emo vibes on ig.
and i know that tmr will be a good day coz to be something worse than the string of events today is gonna be a feat for the world to cooperate on that. but hor, i shouldn't say so soon. maybe tmr morng my bike can't start, or like key break agian, or like fuel leak? who knows right.
just wanna pray that God can keep me safe and functional so that mother poon dont have to do hospital visitation of a patient at her age, and she can continue to be happily playing her ipad, tapping the credit card at worry, while cooking good food for me when i come home for dinner.
that's all i ask for in life now really.



and last disclaimer, if any bitch wanna screenshot and intentionally wanna stirr shit at my workplace, by all means really. coz these feelings are not 见不得光 and all these actions have indeed taken place. its just my internal interpretation and i think i'm polite enough to not fck anyone up in the face coz its just unnecessary and well.. i only T2. actually if should u want to create awareness by informing the respective parties, gd eh. at least they're aware of their actions and can start thinking about how to make the workplace more positive, effective and efficient.



ok. phew. glad to be blogging out.
guess since i dont have anyone else to text and rant my personal shit, blogging does help.
thanks for reading, to whoever who unfortunately stumble across.

insignificant significant days

Just went to the gym and swim after morng shift. Its been awhile since i have this routine after a morng shift.

Idk if im expecting to be like a switch that i can just forget all that has happened, but the heavy days are significant. Just last night, i dreamt of ur gf. I dreamt that we were gd friends, duno doing what tgr. Wts right. Hahahas. Idk if im that of a nice girl or what, though i am happy for u, of course i got jealous abit la. So idk how did that dream come about. But i woke up, feeling like a derailed train. And today at work, i saw u again. Its one of those rare times that our eyes meet that u couldnt siam. I smiled at u as if like u're just like another colleague from another dept that ive not worked with, while ur nonchalant smile was recognizable. Idky those butterflies still flutter at the sight of u. Not sure if they were reserved for u or what, but i just hope they'd stop fluttering like mad in my stomach when i see u.

While swimming today, i find myself more focused, more hardworking than the usual chilloutworkout. When im mentally in that state while exercising, i know i've got alot to sort out internally. I teared abit in the water today, but it didnt matter. Just that it was abit annoying that i had to manually drain the tears out of my goggles. Haha. Might as well dun wear right. Let my tears be carried away by the water, just like the ppl of Atlantis. Hahas.

But i've really been thinking.
All the guys who have left me have many exes b4. So what's another one like me to add on to the count right. Its so easy for them to just pick up and let go. Im not sure if i wanna be like them, but hmmm, i still think of d, though it has been like 12 yrs?! Kh almost overwrite it totally, but almost.

Idk if this one is another cause of being misunderstood, but certainly, there are things i dont understand. I feel that im out of ur league as my self-esteem creates more layers of blurr.
I think i love u, that said without much conviction. Its not so much as im not sure or what, but just dont dare. I just wanted to get to know u as a friend better, so i can trust u and move on tgr without the insecurities of losing u. I probably didnt know how to script my intentions properly, but u were clear to explain that i had to sort out my insecurities on my own, for myself, b4 i turn to u. And in the meantime, keeping u as a friend isnt fair to u. Then what is fair to me? Sorry la. /Yeah, I got issues, And one of them is how bad I need you. (Haha, ya that song).

Honestly, thinking about it, its just like u trying to tell me to drive a car straight on the road w/o a steering wheel. Here i am, wanting to spend more time with u as a friend so that i can trust u more, but on the other hand, u want me to trust u more w/o interaction with u as a friend, unless its a more than friend thing. Then u tell me to text u only when i need u, whether i want or not. Is this what u think of me? Loyalty is one of my traits and im pretty sure about that. How do u think i feel? But yea, u probably dont know me more than u think u do. Well, its also coz idk myself either. Haha. And so with that, i discovered that my care and concern to ur well being transcends to me being a conversation killer. Haha. If i tell that to my friends (esp my close bros at work). i think they'll lol. Me being a conversation killer... i think more often than not, they'll want me to shut up. So that's me, being myself. With u, im not myself coz i just cant be. Too scared to lose u? And in trying not to lose u, i have successfully done it.
But then again, shouldnt give myself too much credit coz maybe u didnt really love me to begin with..u probably just love the feeling and initial process. What's new right.

How ah.
Probably girl mode triggered now, but it just goes to show that u dont love me for who i am, to be patient and work things out slowly, together. At least in my sch, i can withdraw from the final exam and try again on the next sem. With u, withdrawing to prepare stronger again is an immediate failure, no chance given. Haha.

So yea. At the gym today, its like aft office hours, there were many guys as compared to the morng hours. I was actually a little irritated. Like just to be in the presence of these guys. Like ugh. I mean at work is diff ah. Maybe coz i know them liao. But just feeling abit uncomfortable to be with guy strangers. Some girls came in later... but they were here for some gym prog tgr with more guys.
Hahah maybe really im not straight sia. But fck this shit. Im tired of meeting new ppl and getting my life into this shit hole again. Its like, early this yr, i was really picking up myself well. Like came March, it become so so much better. Probably too much goodness for my life that it had to be taken away at this instant.
So just like today, im like... y am i in this place all over again. I dun want to revisit those dark dungeons and get caught there. It took alot of me to unchain myself, so y must u pick me up and throw me back into the rut? My mistake was probably reaching out my hand for u to hold, coz I really thought that u could lead me out. But somehow to u, want u to hold my hand out was unfair to u. Haha. Maybe u like me in the darkness more than me in the light..or rather, in the light, u didnt like what u see so u had to throw me away.

Tbh, i've nv felt so abandoned b4. Even when kh left me, i didnt felt so unwanted. Mayb coz with kh, i've come to realize that i brought it upon myself since from the start, i knew at the back of my heart and mind that she was the one for u. But with this one, maybe coz u're just so smart and rational, throwing me away like that is the most logical thing to do, so right that i cant find any more reason that u'd actually want to keep me. Bz or not bz, i dont think that's even part of the consideration.

So what do i do now?
Well, i've always been trying to move on. It has been like this since 2007. So it shouldnt be that difficult to be back in this tryingtomoveonemostate. Thats probably my default setting while keeping myself busy. Its just the part of feeling super worthless and unwanted that i need to see pass it coz there was a point in time did i really did think that u were the one that i could walk with for the road. But ur premature departure was probably the best option for u in the end and i guess i should learn to be thankful that u're doing it now rather than if my heart went deeper.

I still miss u.
Probably like crazy.
But i cant validate that.

episode 3

 

yesterday was a good Saturday. its been awhile since i've had a packed day like that. sailing in the morning, then Ballet Under the Stars in the evening, then night shift.

i would blog about it, but i think i'd wanna sort my heart out first. 

i think that was it.

he's left.

i got a ticket for him for the night a few months back, and he said like "i've marked it down my calendar". but when the day came, he didn't even bother to text if he's coming or not. i'm not sure if he's forgotten about it, or dun wanna go, but i think at least it's only responsible that he inform me that he wouldnt be going for whatever the reasons? pride or no pride, courtesy should exist. if i was in his position, i still would inform right?

i think that was utterly disappointing, but also awakening.

guess its another one that refuses to spend time with me as friends first before moving on. so this morng after night shift, i went home and tore out those few pages from the book, so that i can stow everything away into that box and hide it forever. didnt feel like working at all during night shift. in fact, i was struggling emotionally during work on every other day. i uds that he's bz, he also says he's busy.. but tt time i when i went to okc to deactivate my acc, i saw him online, and he even updated his profile and all. feeling abit sensitive coz i was actually triggered. i mean like, u say u're bz and all, u dont even check my igs, but u have time for okc eh. hahas. Like u stopped liking all my posts too. Pathetic csi bitch me... hahas, but coz i care(d)? But yea, u didnt ask me abt my exam results, nor text me abt my tournament in which u said u'd like to go down and support. Hahas. But what if its the other way round- i text u abt them? Comtemplated alot but decided i shouldn't also. Maybe i fear rejection from u since each time i try to converse with u, u'd see it as a conversation killer. V sad one u know; getting ur genuine heart trampled on. 

but that was it, coz everything he says validates his actions though they seem to be conflicting. i felt like i've met me. with kh, i felt tt i was too rational, too practical in a r/s. with this one, i felt like i'm being the too emotional one. i'm not sure if kh has changed me for the better or i've finally met someone who was like the practical me. but all in all, i cannot tolerate disloyalty? 

but what was i expecting right?

online.

haha. i probably invested too much and too fast emotionally. it shouldnt be surprise if he can change his.... erm.. 'target' so soon since u can try again online right?

everyone wants fast game fast solution; nobody, who goes online, would probably wanna naively spend abit more time to get to truly know the person first. 

i'm very sad coz there was indeed a point in time that i thought like he was different from the others. i thought that we could slowly work things out a little tgr. but he was just clouded with his practical ideologies that my emotional state that was incomprehensible, became something he could not deal with. he'd probably think he had it controlled by giving me the option and all, but it was clear that he didn't want to fight for me, and neither did he even want to fight with me anymore. i made him tired and gave him no reason because simply, there was no love to begin with.

he mentioned something like "one thing my phd taught me. if it is important to you, you get it done regardless of the method", which was another validation to me coz he perfectly understood that. he wasn't doing anything to keep me. i didn't need him to do anything actually. i just needed time and patience. but i guess he didn't see any reason to wait for me. but that's also right, coz i didn't see anything in me that's worth for him to him anyways. i love him, but his reactions to my actions made my doubt my love. everything i tried to do seems to be triggering and agitating him. this was something i really didn't see coming but yea, i guess i shouldnt think so highly of myself either. 

he also clearly specified that he wanted me to get rid of my issues before texting him. fair enough. he was ok that i seek other people for emotional support as well. he was just like me in the past- before kh. i thought like oh good, there's trust. but now i uds how kh feels right now. 

anyway, its been pretty hellish trying not to text him while he has stopped texting entirely. but i guess its getting better since, just like the others, they are clear. either we move on tgr, or we go our separate ways. 

through this episode, it did make me miss kh even more. and i guess, 

changing myself for someone who love me was probably easier than trying to change myself to make someone love me. 

so for that, i guess for kh to say i'm selfish, it's does make all the sense now. though kh was a man of fewer words, he was a man of actions. least he did what he could do while the practical me kept making it difficult for him. i just needed to change my dressing, my mannerism and time management. looking back, that's actually easier than trying to immediately eradicate my emotional insecurities. haha. but yea, so much for all those empty words. i wouldn't call them promises, but i shouldn't have listened to all those flowery words again when now they dont mean a thing. i mean like, u have said things like u'd bring me out on a date or catch a musical tgr, but now u dont even reply to a ticket i got for u. it wasn't a surprise nor something unplanned. i uds that u're busy. but i trust that u're more capable than that- not to actually turn up, but just to send a simple text like, 'im not going'. 3 words.. probably would take erm... less than 30sec, including scrolling down to my name in ur WA. so i try to console myself that maybe u forget about it. but really? haha. who am i kidding. so actually, idk which is worse.... forgetting or choosing not to.

that's the irony uh, i'm suppose to stop being emotionally insecure while u stop giving me assurance.

maybe that's how its suppose to work also. but really, what am i expecting from a... 2 month... friend/morethanfriend that i met online right. we've only spent time studying tgr and occassionally having a couple of meals out. there's nothing i should hold on to also right. take it as a lesson learnt i guess. shouldn't think so highly of myself also.

well, at least i've tried online. hahahs!

its heartbreaking, but it seems that i'm getting used to it. the cut is still deep, not as deep, but deep enough to feel those physical heartaches again even when the sun is still up. but yea, i will never meet up random ppl just like that coz it involves more intention actually. 

looking back, i do regret meeting up with u on the 23rd. i mean like, if we didn't meet up and we just kept to texting... and if u stopped texting like this, i think it's also easier. 

as with kh, i should have learned to stop taking initiatives. this is what i get loh. its like giving someone the opportunity to break u. y do i have to put myself through that? instead of expecting someone to be patient with me, i should be more patient with myself first. anyone who wants to keep u will find ways to do so instead of hijacking whatever opportunity that is available by chance.

but yea, i dont think i should need another 10 yrs for this one. 

so let's just go back to default 2018 me. but no, i dont think i'm wanting kh back as a bf, but i still want him back as my friend. i dont think that's selfish. but if it's not going to be ok with her, then that's selfish loh. haha but given kh's principles, its still best that i stay away forever. 

so i guess i'm back again at square 1.

lonely days will be over soon. :) 

there's just too much to do. been watching

itchyboots

on youtube. yea, he intro me to that channel. but watching her ride round the world like that really inspires me. like fck all the fears and shit. just do what makes u happy. obviously as an asian, that's not an easy notion. i wanna do my masters in UK, i wanna get a job that allows me to travel like mad, but i love mother poon too much to leave her alone at home. i'm glad that i dont feel like its an obligation or anything, its easy when there's love. she loves me, and i love her. like i do shout at her and she says me for whatever reasons, but the next day (or sometimes abit more), its all fine. all pure and honest. nothing to hide. nothing to act. just raw us, and i'm just thankful for a family like that. i miss my daddy. idk if i wish that he was still around now coz he would be a freaking 78 yr old man. but i do wish that i had abit more time with him esp when i'm in aviation. he's be proud to have a daughter at his workplace i guess.

so that's first half of 2019.

its almost quite a defining year for me. not going to overestimate 2019, but i'm glad and thankful to be out of 2018. 2019 March was no doubt one of the happiest months i've been. but happiness is always a fleeting moment isn't it? look at how March progressed till June. when u're down, u can only go up. but when u're up, u've all the chances to go down too. so lets just try to keep it at equilibrium; be grateful for all the little things and try to smile at all the challenges.

i hope to be close to God again.

i think i've been listening to my own voice for too long that i dont even know that i'm doing that. i'm probably too clouded with what i'm supposed to do in life, rather than trusting everything on Him. His love is unconditional and incomprehensible and that's y its so easy for us to just take it for granted. sometimes we place too much effort on a certain individuals that it just becomes too toxic. 

i do want to be postiive and respectable agajuin. i dont like myself in this state, trying to blame myself for everything or trying to validate every other extrinsic thing.  

there's a difference between expectation and being hopeful.

i do want to be hopeful, but not expecting. 

But yea, staying away from u is also the best for everyone. Hope u can finish ur journal soon. Its been too long.

null

perhaps its the monthly hormones, but just feeling really dull.
really unmotivated, but it feels... ok.

haha. 2018 was really so bad that i'm really thankful for each day in 2019.
i still miss him so much. but what balances that out is knowing that he's probably happier with someone else. some days i do think like... there's still a chance since they're not engaged yet. but most days, i'm thankful because she led u to a change in ur faith for whatever the reasons.

i feel like i'm (slightly) more positive, but i'm not sure if its coz i've got no more drive or expectation to do better in life. i mean, ppl can just walk out on u like this.
the ppl i trust the most in significant points in my life tend to leave me eventually. i'm tired of it, like really tired of trying in any way. even if our lives are busy, even if we have commitments, if u're not worth a place in someone's heart, then y make it so difficult right?

its like, idk if its coz either idk the person well enough, or he has changed over a course of time.
just this week, i can feel my principles shifting, or rather, being deleted. like i used to think like oh.. the person whom u love (and spend the rest of ur life with) should be able to understand u, be responsible, be hardworking, etc... then i realize, all these intangibles are so unfixed. so fluctuating. nothing really stands. y not, like what our aunties always advice us.. find a rich man to marry.
tangible? yea.
of course money is exhaustible. but if the guy is filthy rich, doesnt gamble / spend like mad, and spending millions of dollars is insignificant to him, then might as well let me spend his money and buy all these worldly fleeting momentary happiness and at least have some ability to shower love to those around me... what is love? no need uh. since u dont love him, there's nothing to be disappointed about right. even if he doesn't love u, it also doesnt matter, whatever his agenda is.

like i really dont need a husband to love me.
i just need my kid to have a father.
selfish thinking? yea, probably.

and i'm starting to think being selfish is good.
selfishness allows self love.
selfishness promotes self preservation.
this is something i used to be very against about, and like, tend to shamefully judge selfish ppl. but as i grow up, i realize, the struggle to just live as we grow older seems to be on an inclined slope.
it takes a selfish man to call another one selfish.

its seems like 2019 is becoming vindicative.
like in 2018,  my principles were threatened. just as i thought that i could keep them up and well again, thwarted. each effort i try becomes hyocritical to someone. its really depressing especially if u realize that u're learning to majorly fall in love again. almost there, but validated that i should stop my shit.

i didn't want to think its my problem since i'm clear that whatever i do was for someone i love alot. but if 2 person does the same thing back to u, though in different time frames, it's probably clear enough. i dont see why i should be fighting to keep the person again if he doesn't do the same. it has been proven that the harder i try, it becomes a nuisance.

i dont think i'm de-valuing myself, yet.
i just dont see a need to give my best anymore.
its like, what's the point. i mean even at work, it so easy for someone doesnt put in much heart/effort to become an engineer.
what about me?
talk about passion? not tangible.
talk about qualifications? overqualified.
talk about effort? u're still a girl.

haha. just like love.
intangible.
under-qualified.
still a girl.


i hope no one reads this post and feel like i'm making sense though i am indeed feeling that it all make sense to me right now. i just hope that if i read back on this post, i'd lol to myself and go like.. here's me going on to 30... young and full of issues.

i'd rather not have u and feel lonely.
i'd rathar have myself and feel not alone.

i dont think its fair that i blame everything on pride and ego. but through kh, i've lost some respect for myself anyway. apologising. begging. like literally choosing to spend nights outside ur door step begging for an opportunity to talk vs spending precious time with mother poon.
i've had enough of people who dont love and care about me. everything is so questionable. actions are so unjustifiable when u realize there's no love. everything is about me me me. so let me be in my own bubble until the end.

so to all the kids out there, love ur mother, and ur family. no matter how shit they can be, they're still blood related and they are probably the ones who love u the most. i mean there's a small percentage in the world that this doesn't apply, but lets just assume that society has crafted people to protect ppl of their own flesh and blood.


haha and yes, if u're even here, to u, sorry to reply ur msg on okc and wasted these months of ur time. u could have used it to finish up ur work earlier, so i'm sorry to get in the way though u alway say u got it covered. if conversing, or texting me becomes taxing, i'm sorry to make u feel obligated. i thought its good that i give u space, but everything i tried to do just worked in opposition.
i love you, or probably thought i love u, but i realize the love i have for u isn't enough to overcome myself, my issues, and him. i wanted u to love me back but its only because i just felt unwanted and not because i had ur happiness as my priority. actually initially it was, until i realize my sincerity was hypocritical to u and that i dont even know u.
but one thing good to know is that i've nv used u as a replacement or anything. through u, i gave myself another chance at love, but idk how and why it has become so toxic over the weeks and months. but that's enough validation for me. i mean if its our work, travelling, distance (physical/mental) or whatever, then i guess we've failed the test. my honesty was something u doubted about and not well recieved, so it becomes confusing. what we've spoken about during the early phases does not seem to be in tandem. perhaps i'm the one who's changed. i've learnt to guard my heart even more fiercely; i shouldnt love so loosely like that as well. with u, i felt inadequate and even more hopeless. choosing to walk away was painful though not as much. its back to dull. back to null. but i guess walking away now is better than either of us walking away after many years. i'm disappointed, but if i feel this way, than u also probably deserve someone better. but yea, that's not my priority coz its still about me- like i seem to thrive in my emo shit than trying to get out / succeed at it. idk if u're seeing anyone right now, but for me to even think that way, then all the more i dont deserve u or those bits of feelings u had initially.


hahas. omg. i really feel like shit right not. while 2018 is the worst year for me, 2019 is the worst version of myself. at least in 2018, though i grieved and almost went crazy, at least i'm a more reliable and responsible person in life. right now, my attitude sucks and there's nothing much i bother to say abt it. its weird and probably alarming coz i'm not super devastated or what. idk how to really describe. probably genuinely the 'i give up on life'. its reallly not just about my love life, but even at work, i know that i'm not giving my best anymore. y bother trying so hard when not trying allows more peace.

idk if its really coz 2018 as built a 'stronger' me coz 'what doesnt kill us makes us stronger', hahas, or issit coz i just dont give a shit anymore- since i'm the shit. hahas. its like i feel so ugly inside out, and i just dont give a shit. perhaps in the past i would worry like if ppl dun like me or more imptly, if my heart isn't in the right place.. but really. fck it. haha. what professional help do i need? i'm fine what. just do whatever i wanna do, be selfish but dont go out of line/ be a criminal or do illegal shit, i should be fine and survive well. i dun think i have any purpose in life, but i think i might need to go back church. probably going back just because i feel like as a christian, it should be a routine or smth. though no longer the sincere, hardworking genuine girl, at least there's more direct opportunities that biblical words can speak to my heart and change it back to how God would be happy about. sns, but more aptly, thank you.



to really be honest, there's alot more i wanna say, mostly conflicting stuff to whatever that's mention. but i choose to give up coz i'm tired of needy me. thank u for no longer being there so i know that i dont have anyone to find or run to. my daily nothings are really daily nothings since i'm not even living each day to my fullest and best. no one needs to know how am i, coz its just gg to be the same. nothing will disappoint since there's nothing to expect or hope.
nothing to be happy about since its just about getting past each day till my last breath.
i dont wish to die now in this state though, but i have no hope in changing myself either. haha. that irony. maybe tmr i read this post and go like.. wts gurl. but fck it.
i just want to document all these feelings down and rmbr it, rmbr how real life is.