midway and not quite.

and with a blink of an eye, its mid June alrdy.

so much on my mind, i dont even know where to begin this time.

this space has been all about u in the recent posts, and i guess today, it'll still be (unfortunately) about u. 

as always, i've wanted this space to be documenting my adventures and my moments, so as to share my experiences and info with ppl. however, it was pretty clear that ever since 2014/15, my posts has become less frequent, because of instagram and whatever nots. and with all the piled up emotions, i realized i still find some solace in running back to here, just to type out my tangled thoughts, in hope organize them and find some form of temporary solution which can hopefully be made permanent. 

ok. so. 2019. so far, it has definitely got better since 2018 was really the lowest point in my life.

work has been constant, not because it has been, but its because my drive and passionate has taken a plunge detour. i'm still passionate about what i do and i still strive to do it well. i still have the zest to learn and troubleshoot at every opportunity. however, i have learnt to manage my own expectations vs what the company can give. we'll see how it goes, but meanwhile, i'm still continuing to go to work, enjoy the job, enjoy the company of my fellow colleagues. 

i still hope that i'd be a positive and motivating worker and to some extent, an inspiration to those around; esp if i'm a girl and i can do shit, i hope it stimulates / aggravates ppl to do better. hahas.

sch.

ok. this sem has been really good. too good that i find myself struggling coz i wasn't struggling. hahas. as usual, i took 4 mods, but out of the 4 mods, i think only 2 of which were challenging. i had a lot of time for the 2 challenging mods since the other 2 was somewhat my kinda shit. 

so anyway, exams went well. i think i performed within my expectations. results out 19 july and its the first time i am this excited to get my results. i'm expecting ermm.. 3 As and 1 B+ ? hopefuly i can get A+ for structures and Flight line man or even Manufacturing. i didnt do so well for the Avionics paper since most of it can be found somewhere in the text/pyeps..

ok so, i was generally more focused this time round. 

also because i got to know someone in March.

its June now. 3 months. 

its been on a high. so high that the plunge became inevitable.

before i go into that new... friend, 

lets talk about u in my mind for now. 

u've been in my mind every single day. perhaps not so much in march, but u're still very much there.

through social media, its kinda obvious that u're now with the girl whom i told u that u'd be suited with. yea i'm jealous, but i am happy for u. 

i'm glad that she can probably make u a happier person and i also found out that u're baptized!

i think that really hit me real hard.

yes, i am stalking u, so much that she has deleted me off her follower list so i can't no longer see her posts. sad but i guess i gotta give her some space. but i do see some of ur friend's stories though u dont post anything at all. i'm risking it to be blogging this out here (later someone find out then block me off on every platform), but i'm pretty sure that u wont be in this space and i also shouldn't think so highly of myself. pls give me a little path out at least?

but i'm glad.

though idk what made u decide to follow Him, but i'm just glad u did and i do think it's probably through her. i know these are things not for me to think of, but i can't help thinking why can't i be a better salt and light for Him for you so that u could see His love through me. was i (still) that broken?  i realize that u've also got a new playlist to have songs about Him and His grace and mercy. i wanted to share those songs with u, but u never seem to be interested while i was afraid that u'd think i'm one of those "staunch Christians" who gives no one a choice to decide on their own faith.

i do miss u. still do, very much and everyday, and probably even more after this month, but i will love u by keeping my distant bc that is what u wanted me to do. i still hope for the day i could attend ur graduation or wedding, but i guess i can only hope for social media to stream a photo or 2.

its strange that we started off as strangers and now we're back at strangers again.

its also funny how time gives us such challenges, like now u have changed dept and shift so tt i can actually see u on all 4 of ur working days if i do 2 morng OTs. i still rmbr how difficult it was then to wait for our off days to coincide, and when it does, it becomes an issue for u since u (and i) had to sacrifice ot just to go out and spend more money instead of earning money.

each time i catch a glimpse of u at work, be it before or after work, it just affects the remaining time of the day. though those initial impacts is not as painful as before, but the little hurt just resides and lingers. i'm literally so close and yet so so far.

we started out as far away ones, and one we're back at even stranger ones. 

idky i love you this much also. 

but its not like i can just stop loving someone whom i've loved so deep.

through d, i've learnt that u can never really stop loving somone - you can only manage the feelings and learn to free up some space for yourself and also for someone else. this is something i have failed to do so terribly. 

its probably only this year that i realized that i am also selfish - as how u've explicitly told me. but its only coz i love u and idk how else to love u in the way u wanted me to. my ego was probably in the way to be my allow my raw and broken self come clean infront of u and hence all the struggles.

i finally tried to tidy up my HD, photos and stuff, so i happen to click on our whatsapp chat log again. i do realize u love me alot too. but u probably love me in ways i didnt know how to appreciate nor respect while i let my issues devour me and us. i drove u off bc i didn't know how to deal with my insecurities and issues, in which u chose to not stay as well. i feel, and still do feel that u're much better off w/o me; and now u really are.

i didn't knew that my issues were so real until March this year. 

i re-read my blunt words against ur trying words. its only now that i can see a person who can so hard and so cold, so recognizable, so familiar-  hello me and my monster.

i think i have PTSD.

tbh, i didn't know it was really a legit issue.

idk how and why and for how long. 

i only got some affirmation through someone i met in March. because everything was going so well, it aggravates the monster in me which was the same one u had to deal with. it only became clear when at one night, i woke up crying like mad about someone whom i love, leaving me and wanting to murder me by throwing me through a glass window and into the woods. this is not something that is normal. i do have nightmares here and then, but its never been as real as it was. the nightmares have been coming to get me. i can forget about nightmares, but recently, the nightmares have become so freaking real that when i do wake up from them, i find myself physically shaking and seriously questioning reality, not knowing if i have really woken up or not. it just throws reality off equilibrium and sometimes i dont even know if i'm really living in this real world or not. no one is ever real.
hahas. sounds so teenager-ish problems, but this is so real guys.

so, with much discussion and.... passive persuation, i've been trying to reason out by really looking at the events that have passed by all these years.

i'm beginning to think that my dad's passing did have a very very latent effect on me. 

i'm still refusing to believe it, but i can't find anything concrete that can refuse that notion. 

i'm really on the verge of seeking professional help, but i dont think i need to spend that kind of  money nor have something like this being legitly documented down in my life. my ego dont allow me to think that i have a mental sickness. besides, i've been suicidal last year and i have learnt to deal with it on my own - mother poon was and is my reason for survival. should i ever feel suicidal again in a time when mother poon is no longer around, then pls drag me to seek professional help. 

but really, my dad left me in late 2003, i was about 14 then.when u're around that age, u think u know the world, u think that u know what exactly u're dealing with. idk what it means to actually 'deal with a loss'; i knew i was sad back then, but i rmbred that i needed to be strong for my mum and that's how i survive till today - by brushing off any feelings of loss.

and then, i decide to let d into my life in 2005 after many yrs of friendship. with him, we're really young then with much teenager struggles. before i could learn to love myself, my insecurities drove him away since knowing me well isn't the same as knowing me on the the surface. 

i became really insecure as time goes by, i  still continue to keep myself really busy to not let myself deal with that growing monster. in 2014, u came by. u and i knew about this monster, u chose to face it while i became ignorant about it. i took up another degree in 2016 (10% of it was also to keep me my mental health sane and current) which took a toil on my life alot while driving u away too. 

and soon enough, here in 2019, probably its part of the adulthood package, the monster grew up too. its probably a gd thing coz  it's becoming even more obvious that i have a problem when i met this guy who's good in breaking things down for me. 

so what's the problem now?

hahas. idk.

i find it hard to even describe my feelings and thoughts now.

probably my dad's passing somehow created an effect that anyone who loves me is gonna go eventually. all my exes has proven it, and while trying to look at the big picture, it seems that all of my r/s ended somewhat bc of the same problem- i have very limited self-love; though with different details and approaches. in each r/s, i always hoped that it would be a forever, till we're old, slow and wrinkly and all, but with that thought, there's always this part in me that strongly believes that good times dont last. 

perhaps its this monster trying to gain its foothold that leaves me in confounding thoughts and verbalized brutal text messages as i start to love and allow someone in even more. since i find it hard to love myself for who i am, how the hell should i expect anyone to love me for who i am. so, it does make sense that when whoever tries to get close and know me who i really am, it becomes a big subtle disappointment that only true unconditional love could overcome. and even with that one last resolution, i find myself subconsciously rejecting it in every way. sometimes it feels that im schizo. i dont think that i'm that extreme yet, but i'm probably quite clueless. i dont even know how to love anyone they way the want me to anymore.

i dont even dare to love anymore.

through u, i've learnt not to take initiatives anymore, unless i'm damn sure / unless when i know i've controlled that monster in me. i find hard to love freely and accept myself for who i am ever since my flaws have been constantly amplified. the the more i love someone, the more i find it hard to love myself.

in march, it really did feel like i finally found someone who would tide over with me. perhaps i was too naive that the monster had to react and now i'm left with running away since nothing i do give comfort to anyone or myself. at the moment, i still feel like being alone is really the best solution to everyone and myself since it my monster wont burden any individuals.

i am tired of myself.
i dont think my monster allows any visitations anymore. i'm giving up, which also means that i'm giving u up. im tired of trying because it always seem to backfire and put a strain even on the friendship. after loosing so many important ppl in my life even as friends, i dun think i wanna lose another. even if it means that u're gonna walk away, i'd rather u do it now b4 memories are created which adds more haunting to my nightmares all over again. rn now, it does feel that he's feeling the burden alrdy and no longer wanna text me and deal with my mess so i think its all good that he should walk away now before deciding that much later.
anyway, i hope our 50yrs old pac still stands.
sigh.


whatever it is, i thank God for giving me the ups and downs. 2018 has definitely allowed me to become 'stronger' when it comes to hard hits like that. perhaps being strong may not be applicable to all situations coz it does become threatening and misleading. but i have to understand that b4 i can even allow anyone to enter my life again, i gotta get rid of my monster first or learnt to tame it.
sorry to those who tread across my heart, i shouldn't even have allowed such a path in too. thank u for those who stayed as well. i'll try to be a better version of myself first.