LKY u so fast die

ytd the rain was epic.

we cancelled climbing plans just to watch the funeral on channel 5 from 12.30 till about 6pm.

very sad to see Singaporeans so devastated to some point. especially those aunty and uncles who really couldn't tahan those tears.

Mother poon was like crying at home too. and funny how she stood up at the siren that went off at 4.33pm to mark the start of the 1 min nation wide silence when its just the both of us who were home.

i mean,  i was teary eyed too. didn't really except Singaporeans to go to such extend.

but its really, just in 1 wk, we've seen the side of Singapore that we've not really seen before. 

such events that bring the nation closer uh.

was surprised to see Cass gave her Eulogy to somewhat represent the young voice of Singaporeans. really proud of her! can't imagine speaking to a crowd like such; with presidents and high rank ppl from all over the world. i dont think i can even like walk up on stage properly, let alone speak for 5mins.

well, its been long since i'm all literature and all.

here's a poem just for him. 

k, the english is broken, but that is what make us Singaporeans.  

---

LKY u so fast die
Leaving many households teary eyed
Founding Father of Singapore
all of us damn sad lor

LKY u so fast die
We can only let out one big sigh
Giving up your life is what u've done
So that Singaporeans can have some fun

LKY u so fast die
I dont think we could even ask huh why
This is when we all should learn
That after all, u still human

LKY u so fast die
Make the aunties uncles want to cry
Ppl queue up for like 8 over hrs
But thats nothing compared coz u power

LKY u so fast die
Even the sad sky also cry
Such a sian day for all of us
But that's how life is if you must

LKY u so fast die

dont worry we still listen to all those fines

thank you for u being our steady lao peh

u're the only lim peh with the seh 

LKY u so fast die

hope the younger ppl can survive

may you guide us with ur spirit

that we do things dont so last minute

LKY u so fast die

u rest in peace coz we wont be kns

ok we will remain kiasee and kiasu

because we promise to not lose

LKY u so fast die
We will never have enough time to say goodbye

we thank you for what we have today

and will tahan till all the way

---

lastly, thank u for ur vision and bold foresight to insist that the airport make be at Changi. can't imagine gg to paya lebar to work now. hahas. but really, because of that, many things could happen.

or not at all

and so, we're like into the 5th day of LKY's passing.
everyone's making time to queue up at the Parliment's place to pay their final respects.
queue duration were up to like 8hrs or even more.
probably also the first time Singaporeans do not complain about long queues.
i mean, i'm in no position to judge, but some ppl may have missed the point and join in the queue just "to be part of a national event". personally, i did think of gg down also just for that reason also because in life, i never really understood the meaning of having to pay the last respects. even when my dad passed away, i really never understood the whole rationale / significance for a funeral service or stuff like that, unlike mother poon who visits dad's urn to put flowers on special occasions.
but quite cool ah, if lucky enough u'll get to see Mr. Clinton in life. just saying.

anyway i didnt coz i didn't have the time to. but i went to changi airport's one! at T3. was quite a nice set up.... just outside the departure hall at level 2. didnt think that i'd feel any emotion, but the moment i started penning down my good wishes, there was that fuzzy feeling just for that moment.
hahas. perhaps its also coz of work, its becoming a habit that i'm starting to write everything in caplocks, i dont mean to shout though! hahas.

u know, some ppl may just want to challenge the social norms and have negative connotations with his dictatorship style of governing the country... to me, perhaps it does matter to some extent, but what matters more is really the outcome of it all. we're all safe and secure and financial investors will eventually have that confidence to invest in this land which is all good for us all.

i guess singapore was already preparing for this death. realistically, i dont believe we operate at such an efficient rate where everyone and everything can be mobilized, and orderly, within such a short time frame. he was on the ventilator during his last moments and that's probably how things could be.... planned for. the public will never know when and y mon morng was the time chosen, but i'm just pretty sad that he couldn't live to celebrate SG50 as one nation. just too close. aaaabit more nia.

anyway, just thank God for his life.


and so today at the touch league, there was 1 min of silence prior to the start of each game. players also wore black armbands (actually black electrical tape) just to commemorate his life. also, last game of the season for the this mixed team. wasn't really an awesome season altogether for us; we can only get better  from here. but always a pleasure to play tgt.

back at work.

finally, its ojt at Line Maint.

Week 1. STAR team.

i like the name STAR because i like stars. hahas. but ok, it stands for Special Tasks and Reifications. we do more major repairs that the LMO (line maint) guys dont do. i really like this stuff they do here because u'd get to learn alot more. 

first 2 days was abit rough coz all 8 of us got posted to the same dept, and there wasnt much planning. so we werent able to utilize our time altogether. but line maint being dynamic and more demanding, i do understand the constraints. whats more, we all should rmbr that at this level, we're not (yet) contributing to the company. some of the my guys were complaining abt everything. #nowtheyknow. i mean, when i was in hangar and with all the... um... unnecessary roadblocks while trying to learn, i was complaining alot and they didn't like it just because for their line, they were luckier to be more exposed. now were all in the same place, so all i could do was to be patience and give time. perhaps, i did learn some stuff during my dreadful time at the hangar; which was to be patience and thankful.

anyway, things got better because the ppl here adapt to changes faster and more efficiently. by 3rd day, there was better allocation and planning so we're able to learn more on ourselves in our respective ad-hoc teams.

was quite lucky coz we got to see the ACM (air cycle machine) change due to some isolation valve prob. in line main. abt 3 hrs in total to bring up and down... vs h the other place that takes like 3 days. but ok la, to give some credit, they did the full ACM system change while involved the ducting and stuff.

hahas and i did my first wirelocking on a the real shit itself that will be useful in a few hours time!

(:

so mostly, we do SQ fleet. the A380, B777 and sometimes the B744 freighter and the A330.

the B777 cockpit. 

pretty amazing coz the older planes dont have video cams on the ext of the planes.

definitely love boeing systems over airbus anyday.

then there was the A380 which i personally dont like.

too big. and probably too ambitious and hence the problems. but i guess that means revenue for the company. ahhahas. 

many ways to get into the ac.

gg up the wheel well just to put in the ground lock pin. supposed to use this tool from the store, but yea. ahhahs. but anyways, the plane too big alrdy, the guys could reach for the pin hole, but for me, even with all the climbing, still short of about 4inch. ahahs.

so yup. that was Week 1. 

really thankful for the opportunity to be in this department coz previous trainee batches didn't have such privilege. realllllyyyyyy hope that i can be posted here or to the QAT / DART team. they're the Quick Action Team. they do the bigger and heavier repairs such as engine change and stuff. highly doubt that i will be posted there coz i'm a girl. actually, for me to be posted to line maint would be a miracle coz so far, there's no female techs in line maint. there are female engineers but mostly the E&Is. there are female techs, but in other the company and doing cabin works. the 3 girls from the last 2 batches all went hangar too.

sigh.

but so far ok la. there wasn't anything tt i couldnt do other than reached for latches of the T/R cowlings that were pretty high up. just abit more troublesome for me coz i had to get steps while some of the guys didn't need to.

some of the engineers and techs were also really nice to teach us patiently.

there's this engineer that totally feels like my bro farhan. aahhas. he also knows farhan. quite funny uh. also a v nice engineer who spent extra time teaching us other stuff apart from the given tasks.i mean, they are not obligated u know. also, we wouldn't know if we would be posted here too.

also, quite nice coz alot of them were previously my dad's collegues. one of them even rmbred coming to my house to play with me when i was a little girl. ahhahas. was quite rewarding to see the look on his face when he realized that i was Poon's daughter. 

but really. all these make me miss my dad even more.

always wonder what would he say to me if we're like on the same ac tgt...

like i can't really imagine him saying all those intellectual stuff abt aircraft...

what kind of advice would he give me..

how was his working style like...

"Do it with passion or not at all"

a quote i saw while surfing Pinterest.

wanted to blog last wk coz was feeling abit down. coz i checked my results the last time round, saw that i didn't do very well for the last few papers. so i reflected. i thought those non-M-modules didn't have a grade , but apparently they did. so i reflected abit more. realized that ever since after ojt in hangar, my attitude changed abit. i put in less effort in studying.. not because i was complacent, but just didn't have that desire to know more or do better. very stale. 

so was looking through some old photos and this photo reminded me to persevere on. i rmbr while climbing up the arduous route, i wanted to give up many times. all i could do was to tell myself to persevere on and just because i was holding on to that thought, i was able to make the summit. 

so yup.

just find it funny that airport so biggg, but for this month, i had to be so near. too near.

because it's all at the same apron entrance, sometimes i see ur bike. 

and every morng, i'd walk past the office, hoping to see u. not sure if i'd really want to see u or i just want to see u to avoid u. i dun think i'd know how to react anyways. shouldn't think too much though. 

there's also one day that the ac that i was deployed to was just right infront of the office. i found myself making conscious effort to remind myself to be focused.

it has alrdy been quite awhile since everything happened. but being back at the place where it all started gives me a very.... distracted feeling. i know i've totally lost you and  i dont think i would want u back since i can't be that person u want me to be. but sometimes that void always come back to haunt.

oh well. dun wanna think too much as its just so taxing. 

just hope that i do well for this 1 month and learn as much as i can before i lose this opportunity again.

RIP The Man Who Saw It All

1923 - 2015

RIR Ah Gong, leader of the nation.

Thank you for all the decisions u've made. Though people may have certain points of view of you, just look at how Singapore has come thus far given the time spent and resources available. Propaganda or not, we're thankful. You'll be missed in this generation.

03:18 on a Monday morng of 23 March 2015 was the time u've left this place. 

it was probably the saddest and bluest monday morng for many working people.

the morng majulah singapura was probably "different and difficult" - how my friend who's a teacher expressed.

the media was flooded with news about your death and ur good works. 

all sg radio stations were either airing stuff about u and ur life or really nice piano-ish music. always love those kind of music especially when its the classical rendition of the pop songs. 

Singapore flags half flown

FB profile pics turned black and white.

really wanted to watch news and updates of u and the past but there was work today. 

Singtel could have been more tangible by giving like free 1GB per day for this period of mourning so that we can all follow the social media about u. hahas.

but i guess the older generations had more to say, more to express than us who could use / have access to all these social media. so i guess in this case, the quote "quiet people have the loudest minds" applies aptly.

but really, that's how a great leader should be,

one that move the nations.

its not just about the growth of Singapore, but how such a red dot can impact the world despite its limitations and pressing challenges from this fast moving society. 

i mean, we all grew up singing the National Anthem every morng before the proper education started. and when we do start studying, we've got this Social Studies subject for a good 10 yrs. while it all started as just a subject about the history of our country, about how the leaders governed the land; on the other hand, Education has also taught us to challenge social norms, to think out of the box and to stand for the little things that we believe in.

so, with that, students with their analytical thinking skills would figure out that our textbook were beginning to look like propaganda materials to "brainwash" us to love and be politically right to fear the whites so we'd all have a good life. to me, actually its just a pleasant paradox like how a mother would not spare the rod to not spoil the child.  i mean, rules to strictly follow the government could have surfaced with more severe consequences or implications if the rules are broken, but there wasnt or probably, managed to a level that is manageable. to bluntly put it, rules were somehow, set out in a way for them to be bent and shaped it the outcome could be better. unlike some other youknowwhich country i'm talking about where ppl live in fear of their government to a point that when they rejoice or even worship their leader, you dont know if its done out of sincerity or fear; to a point, u dont even dare to question that faith. what i'm saying is, not many leaders are able to rule in such a way that is a balance in both peace and at the same time, allowance to rebel to some extent, and some how, have that equality that comes with prosperity.

i mean, just look at the social harmony. look at how we can confidently chope seats with tissue papers or even our bags when when we go and buy food. 

probably one of my most fav quotes from him:

“I have been accused of many things in my life, but not even my worst enemy has ever accused me of being afraid to speak my mind.” 

-LKY

one thing i really honour Ah gong is how determined of a guy he is. how hardworking and committed he is when he wants something to be done. never afraid of taking a stand that has gone through godknowshowmany considerations he has taken.

in some ways, i find myself sharing the same principles as he has just that he executes them more brilliantly and flawlessly than i can ever have. not many can give up themselves for the greater good of others. well, people can say he did them out of fame or personal satisfaction. but whatever the reasons, it was clear that his intentions were good and for the people, overwriting himself. he's one guy who's able to manage both the meaning of humility and at the same time, confidence. 

also, his intelligence, analytical and forward-looking skills are probably imba and i dont think i can find anyone in this world can match up with his. 

"I have spent my life, so much of it, building up this country. There’s nothing more that I need to do. At the end of the day, what have I got? A successful Singapore. What have I given up? My life."

-LKY

there's also books who talk about how 'scheming' a man he was.... The merger and The separation were probably part of the plan right from the beginning. again, whatever it is, look at where we are now. we're independent. and with no natural resources. honestly, if i were in his shoes, i dont think i have such balls to make such a promise to the nation. truely inspiring and unbelieveable. 

but we did it. 

"I did some sharp and hard things to get things right. Maybe some people disapproved of it… but a lot was at stake and I wanted the place to succeed, that's all"

-LKY

“Of all my Cabinet colleagues, it was Goh Keng Swee who made the greatest difference to the outcome for Singapore…When he held a contrary view, he would challenge my decisions and make me reexamine the premises on which they were made. As a result, we reached better decisions for Singapore.” 

-LKY

his relationship and friendship with his wife is a big encouragement and testament that true love guided by certain standards do exist and succeed eventually. best part is, they were both secondary sch mates who were vying to be the top in the school.  (pls read their story here)

their once living examples gave hope and even affirmation that such beliefs in how a couple should function became possible despite how this society is becoming so... complacent with this relationship between a guy and a girl. but one thing i might wanna disagree is the secret marriage without parents approval. hahas. rebel lao lee indeed. but in that, his perseverance and determination was clearly displayed. personally, i would want to honour his lady a bit more. she was probably the woman who made it all possible. i mean, in practical terms, some legal documents became powerful only because it was drafted by her. and in times when the leader could have given up this whole thing, she was the one that made this journey possible. w/o her, directions could have been different. in many ways, we've got many to learnt from the both of them, especially his mdm kwa.

all in all, i just love his heart

everything, every decision, every word spoken came from the heart. not many political leaders can have such heart and gift to lead and serve, and with such conviction. 

its like, it seem he could have the power to allow ice survive under fire.

wonder how the japanese solider (if still alive) feel now if he actually rmbred whothehell he kicked during WWII. 

“I am often accused of interfering in the private lives of citizens. Yes, if I did not, had I not done that, we wouldn’t be here today. And I say without the slightest remorse, that we wouldn’t be here, we would not have made economic progress, if we had not intervened on very personal matters – who your neighbour is, how you live, the noise you make, how you spit, or what language you use. We decide what is right. Never mind what the people think.”

what would Singapore be now w/o he and his determination to insist what he wanted when ppl didn't understood what was best then?

thank you for ur life Lao Lee.

sometimes i wonder what if i was part of the crowd then who had a say in voting for the seats. who would i have voted for? who would i believe in?

"Could I have lived my life differently?" Mr Lee once reflected. 

"Maybe yes, but probably not. At each stage I made what was then the best choice. Having taken that decision, I changed direction and there was no turning back."

lastly, i guess this last quote sums up the trademark of a singaporean.

kiasi, kiasu, kilat bro. 

precisely its because of those traits that we strive to make ourselves better. it's probably also because of the entire system and culture that we're undeniably are in that have led us to where and who we are today, even if we're somewhere complaining, or to make it even more severe, rebelling or even rioting. 

 “You know the Singaporean. He is a hard-working, industrious, rugged individual. Or we would not have made the grade. But let us also recognise that he is a champion grumbler. 

lastly, a vid that shows he's really got the mind for every singaporean even if it looks sounds or feels likka joke. 

thank you for our life, ur effort and may ur spirit lives on. 

u've taught in through leading by example.

may the future generation appreciate and continue to live on with ur spirit.

Operation Dickson Assinate

Happy Birthday Dickson!

Probably 80% of my epic journeys were done with u ! From photography, biking, guitaring, bowling, climbing.... not everyday that u'd find a grp of friends who have a set of common interests. Glad to have u around. More epic journeys with u ahead! PAAAMMMP!

CFIDU

overload sia.
We're still on Ramp services module. Actually this is one of the more applicable  modules and i should be putting in abit more effort since exam is on thurs.. besides, this interests me abit more coz its the A320, not because it's an Airbus... ahhaa.. but its a plane that i often fly in; also, previously was working on this type too . And the course notes is actually simplified to clearer understanding though the level feels almost likka part type course.

Today, was irritaited again in class, but  i managed it well. Decided not to blog abt it coz i should be bigger  than all that. But let's just say i'm (again) reminded to not waste time and effort on certain people coz at the end of the day, it all doesnt matter.

Blogging through my phone now coz kinda lazy to switch the com on.

Just saw a photo on fb last night.
Somehow, it did affect me and was disappointed that i was thinking abt it n u the whole day today. I know by now it all should mean nothing now. Today met up with eve and ur bro for dinner at e airport since its been about 2 yrs i've met him! Hahahs.. my homie. Most of my teenage years were spent with him, jamming and guitaring all the way. He just came back from a flight with his rock solid cantahan24hrsofflight hairdo. Ahhas. Havent really seen him in such pro mode. Ahahs. Short dinner but well spent. Hahas! Have a good day and Bangkok tmr! Hahas

Recently, been getting really conflicting feelings. Kinda unexpected and something  that i cant really comprehend. sometimes we all just dont know whats up in our hearts snd heads. Most of the time, though in conflict, we're probably able  to identify  what is what and we tend to settle for the unrest because we can all hope it all goes unnoticed. But this time, its like....sometimes when we mention abt ur gf or when i see things that relates to her, my heart side steps abit. Its a wierd feeling altogether. Its not like a bad / negative / unpleasant feeling or what, but it felt like.. a tinge of noticeable discomfort. And i guess since i'm alrdy starting to put on the speed brakes and kinda not wanting to be myself comfortably  when u're around , there must be something that i'm trying to avoid. I dont know if i want to classify this whole thing as "in denial" coz i highly doubt it, but y leh? Idk how else to describe it, but ya.
I'm pretty sure i dont have that kind of feelings for u.
But how sure?

Just like on the contrary, as much as i think i'm totally done with  another person, inside and at random times of the day, i just keep wanting to spend time with him. I just what to know answers to stupid qns like "how r u" and "what u're doing now" at random times of the day.
Totally feel likka playerr now coz of these current top... 3 ppl that's occupying too much ram space of my heart - probably also in an unspoken battle to top the table. Sigh.  So tiring.
Wonder how all those girls do it day in day out and what worse, put those tragic thoughts into actions.

CFIDU
Central Fault Interface  Display Unit
As the name implies, whatever faults the related systems in the plane face, it all goes in here so the pilot can see the problems on their ECAM pages. Clearly. Orderly. If only the human operates this way where all the faults can be so clearly  lined up for the brain to process uh.

Miss my dad.
Still sad that b4 he died, technology didnt allow easy video recording. I miss his voice. Sometimes i just need his chillax lepak voice with no useful content in my life to throw things into perspective. As of now, i cant exactly rmbr how he sounds like... but i can clearly rmbr how he smelt like when he comes back from his night shifts; decomposed Hugo Boss cologne + esther based hydraulic fluid mixed with his perspirstion and topped up with bits of black grease  and dirt. Though gross and in total disdain,  i dreadfully miss it.
In total,  i guess i just miss that pillar in my life. Mother  poon is probably suffering abit more since they've been each other first loves / childhood neighborhood friend and all... but i guess shes coping it way better than i am.

Urgh. May such days all come to a pass before we take drastic actions and regret it later.
Actually, not trying to act hero or what, but i hope that everything that i'm feeling is all one way with me and my creatively productive mind acting up unnecessarily. Coz, i cant cope with whats gg on internally and i really dont want to reach a stage where i go totally out of control and into self-destruction mode. Really. May God be my shaft this time and forever so i can operate my constant speed drive w/o getting out of control.

Lastly, thank u blogger for being my faithful friend throughout all these yrs. U've not left me. Ahhahas. Starting out, i still rmbr how much probs u gave me.... i rmbr on a few occasions i blogged pages and pages of words but it didnt get hooked up to the server. Over the yrs u've learnt and have this auto save feature and now  u're like easily accessilble on mobile. Ahhas. I sound like some geeky techy freak , but u've no idea how this space have taught me many things. It forces me to slow down and defragment my thoughts and by literally forcing me to rteak them into english sentences, sometimes  these proceses do help me figure out the complications.

Hhahs..just pray that the entire server dont crash totallly. All my life's experiences, allowing me to look back on how much i've growth in my thoughts and actions.
Ok. That damn random. Good night

Goodwood

hpd mother poon of 64 yrs.

and so, on monday night, decided to let her spend her the evening the atas way.

brought her to Gordon's Grill at Goodwook Parkhotel to have some good steak. knew abt this place during a dinner of my previous co. the waiter is usually pro. and the food is excellent.

kinda feel outta place coz i dont have good atas table manners.... i mean, they have diff fork and diff knife for diff stuff and idk which is for what. hahas. best part, i didnt know i wore my blouse the wrong way round until end of dinner. hah.

check out the bill $100 for a piece of meat is no kidding.

totally gonna leave me eating grass till the next payday.

but since it was her bday, we've got a complimentary cake! it wasn't likka promotion or smth, just out of goodwill from the waiter. 2 thumbs up man!

after that, brought her to watch Ah Boys to Men at cineleisure. 9:55pm show.

ahhas. came home and K.O.ed

but glad she enjoyed herself while being atas for the night.

dont usually blog on a wkday night nowadays.. but tonight, kinda feeling bleh.

planned to go for a swim after work today but the weather was too nua for that. so in the end, i sinfully went home to nua. to give myself an excuse, my lower's back aching abit. hahas. 

anyways, just felt like blogging also coz today was abit irritated in class.
its just a usual day actually. we're on the topic of Ramp Servicing for A320. the instructor who's an LAE is really zai, he teaches aloottt of things and i wish that i can just absorb everything. almost likka Type course alrdy.

back at it, sometimes i really cant stand my batchmates. almost everyday, there would be a discussion on 

bond breaking

regret

better jobs out there

how elsewhere is better

how everything abt this place sucks

if not, it would be army talk and all.

boys will be boys. i dont mind the army part coz i understand that they just got out of army and its something they can all talk about in common. but i mean, y can't discussions be abt like planes / systems or smth like that. ok. abit geeky and perhaps its abit too much to ask for.

but really.

its just very negative altogether. 

some of them talk as if they are clear of what's gg on in the outside world, whats in the market, what's the labour market situation, what's best for everyone. some ppl will just always be that one who would go against whatever u say just for the sake of doing so just to generate a self-intelligent point. 

i mean, come on, this is ur first job, and we're not even working proper yet. we're just constantly making assumptions by absorbing all the negative things that the ppl around tells us. if its really so bad, why are ppl able to be in this shit for like 30 40 yrs. 

the grass will always be greener on the other side, but i do get irritated with all their complains. i mean, its not i mind about all the whining or what, but just disappointed that they are seriously considering other opportunities out there. i myself also complain at times to, but i'm pretty sure when i do complain, its always with a purpose to force a positive outcome out of it though i know its like a wrong mean to an end; and not because i just dont like it. and the funny thing is, being the only girl in class, u guys say i complain alot, but honestly, if u look at urselves, ditto bro.

having said that, i have no right to interfere what where they want to be, where they want to go in the future, but i just feel v upset because 1 student here, means 1 opportunity lost for someone else who's probably very passionate or even desperate to work in this place. in the first place, y even bother coming for the interview man. ya, u wouldnt know until u tried... its just like me in my previous job, whole day whining and complaining. been there and done that. but this diff coz there's a 2 yr bond involving $24k. also, i can give u at least 10 names who want to be where were are right now. 

so probably, we might wanna treasure and appreciate our time abit more. what's more, we're just in trng and havent really experience the real job yet. so stop with all the assumptions and wrong accusation before u actually get to the ground.

i guess as much as i really like the job and the industry, i do get affected and it becomes very negative altogether. its just very dampening and i dont want to feel this way. i guess its also because i've been tolerating all this since the beginning which was abt 8 months also. yea, we can all joke about it, but if its becoming an almost everyday affair especially when we're gg to start our OJT soon the next week, i think all these is becoming very unnecessary. like what u guys said, best is just sign on the army, use the $60k bounty to pay of the $24k. its a win win situation.

was just reflecting on the whole... earlier at the start of the course, i was pretty much focused, i made use of all the free time to study / read about planes and all. it was really because of the desire to want to be a good tech to know wth i'm servicing. perhaps its also because of the seriousness of the exam that was part of the driving force... but i guess, it became more evident and even overriding the reason why i really in the first place. 

that's all about life uh. 

the more we have, the more we lament. 

its only when we do not own or possess it that we start to appreciate and be thankful. 

even as of now, i see moments of myself doubting this path. i think its very scary altogether coz i actually gave up alot just to be where i am. no doubt, there will be regrets because of the decision made given the situation then, but at the end of day, how do we know what are we truely passionate about?

not all who wander are lost

that's a very common phrase u'd see if u're scrolling Tumblr or Pinterest. 

what are exactly holding on to?

what's the faith?

what matters?

i guess there's no hard and fast rule about living in the decisions we've made in life nor guides about making the best decisions in life. i still believe that what matters is how we make the best out of every situation given, even if it means to be working towards something that may indirectly move u out of ur current coordinates.

to help ourselves, we should stop making baseless comparisons. if really want to compare, let's talk abt ppl not being able to find a job. ppl who have tough jobs, hate their job, and with low pay. usualllyyyyyyy, its the trade off of having ur fav job with shit pay or having to tahan a shit job but of a high pay. for those more jia lat ones, because of no choice, u'd have shit job and shit pay.

for what we're doing now, and what we're getting, i guess its reasonable?

k. i guess i'm just upset coz i dont have anyone to confide in or at least to have someone who understands. just hope that in the months or yrs to come, they would eventually understand where i'm coming from and why i'm saying all these.

lastly,

i hope i dont get lost. not the time now.

keep focused boeingpoon. please.

Runners Up

and so, it was a 17-10 win to Bedok Kings.

yesterday, 7 march, was the finals for the annual Club 15s. 

my first season with Bucks. 

we lost to Kings in the both matches in the pool stages.

we won both NTU games.

we lost to Blacks the first round, but won them in the 2nd round which was the deciding match that happened last Tues night. if we had lost that round, we wouldn't be in the finals. so, that game was really intense. it was supposed to be played 2 weeks back before CNY, but Blacks postponed it due to the lack in numbers. i think it was really good for us coz it gave us more time to put our shit together. 

finals was a more controlled kinda 'intense'. such a rare feat coz usually when the game goes into "intense mode", it is never conrolled. 

u know, at half time, it was a freaking 0-0. it was really anybody's game. i guess both sides had an unspoken agreement that whoever scores first would be the team to win the gold. 

and so, Kings scored first due our missed tackles. soon, 2 more tries came in within like 15mins. it was like a sudden failure of systems.  but in the last 15mins of the game, we managed to put in 2 more tries against them. 

i guess if given more time, say 10mins... the outcome would have been different. ahhhas.

but nonetheless, it was a great game.

its not often that u'd walk out of the field with ur heads high alongside with the opponents cheering in the background while settling for the lower of the scores. 

well played on both sides and i guess this will be one of the games for the record.

so, my first season with them after training with Blacks for about 4 yrs perhaps. to cut the long short, the decision to switch club wasn't an easy one. but ultimately, i couldn't commit to Blacks' trng schedule which demanded lots of commitment. not saying that Bucks require less commitment, but i guess it was easier to manage everything - physically & mentally with Bucks.

played flanker whole time. still think i suck at it coz of my not up-to-par tacking skills. still having that hesitation to clear out. but thanks Bucks for giving me this opportunity. 

it really felt good when everyone is on the same page on the same field.

this yr was also abit different with the national 7s girls not playing in this league. and i guess, that was also one the  reasons that Bucks was able to make it to the finals for the first time. all along since Womens' Rugby came about, it has always been between Blacks and Bedok Kings (known as SRC then). Blacks backline is usually made of the national girls, so strong that some of the national girls are benched. 

great improvement to the both of them. they are also one of the reasons that i didnt give up rugby last yr.  last yr, i really struggled alot, thinking if i should totally abandon this sport since its too time and commitment demanding. its not just about turning up for team trngs, but it also requires u to do ur own gym and fitness if u really wanna be make it in the game; i.e to be physically strong to survive all the tackles and last the 2 x 40mins in the hot sun. i felt myself dragging my entire being to trngs with strong pressure from a job that never ends on time with no OT pay. that was then.

this yr, the line of best fit got abit better with a change in both my daily job as well as the rugby club.

and on the same day in the morng, it was the SIA Group run at Punggol waterway park. first time running at that park and it was really a beautiful clear blue skied morng. 

8am was the first flag off. the guys flagged off first, and followed by the womens which was 3 waves after; so we started about 30 mins after them. 

hahas. i thought our class was gonna to walk and they were waiting somewhere for me.... so i ran all the way, trying to search for them. my intention wasn't to run at all coz of the rugby finals in the afternoon. after the 3km mark, i didn't see any of them and since i was alrdy running quite fast, might as well run all the way. 

ahhas. in the end, i clocked in 30mins; probably the fastest 5km i've ever did since i had that mindset of "chasing" for 3 quarters of the way. i did walk to stretch abit coz my hammies were getting tight from the week's gym workout. 

us with the new batch of trainees. quite nice that we were able to interact with each other abit more.

hahas. and mr sim took a photo of me while running and sent to me.

quite funny coz he's the guy that takes care of the OJT matters pertaining to our trainings. 

this week, actually i didn't have a good week. 

I FAILED SHEET METAL. the practical side of it coz i didnt drill 6 holes. actually quite suay, coz the assessor saw but didn't say. if it was other assessor, i would have passed. the instructor was also busy helping others that he didn't notice my mistake coz i was assumed to be fine on my own. 

but yea, suck means suck. ahhas. best part is, i did the layout correctly, just never follow through, so, i failed because of the layout. tmd.

quite irritated coz my workmanship wasn't an issue. if i failed coz of poor workmanship, ok i will accept that. but if i failed because of not drilling 6 holes....... grrr. 

ok la. not good means not good. i should deserve it.

on the more positive side, ok, at least i get 1 more work day to practice my sheet metal all over again during the assessment since its not everyday that u'd be drilling and rivetting on aircrafts. 

i hope that the re-assessment wont fall on a working day of my shift hours when i go line, dont want to miss any opportunity while at Line when i'm at Line; coz as of now, the possibility of me getting posted to Hangar is reallly high.  

but yea, pretty sad coz now i dont have a clean record of my grades. it just felt like all those hard work for the modules to get perfect scores went down the drain.

anyway, onto something happier, met up with estee last sat! slackked at her place for a while before catching a late night movie with her and zh at balestier. 

and yes.... HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOVE!

sometimes i do look back and regret not accepting my fate while getting posted to Mechatronics (and then opting for Business Marketing using my sports) after graduating from Secondary school. she's is one of the main reasons why i thank God for that switch so that our paths crossed. i mean, if i was in engineering sch, it would have been more useful and getting good grades wouldn't be such a challenge when ur answers are like logic gates either a 0 or 1, no doubt about it. in marketing, though u may sound technically legit, if the markers dont buy it, they dont buy it. 

then again, i wouldnt get to know how the world works in terms of $$$ with all the demand and supply forces and also wouldnt be getting my degree before 20.

lastly, havent been climbing since i have been busy and abit lazy. planned to climbed today but it rained when i was planning to meet the guys at Onsite today. 

and during this week, i managed to do a pull up!

like finallyyy.

it was random, and i did 2 somemore. ahahs. i mean, i've installed that bar since like poly days or smth, after being inspired by the dragonboaters who could do so many at 1 go. along the way, i gave up coz i didn't see a point in doing a pull up anyway. aahhas. but during this week, i decided to try and tadahhh... was shocked that i was able to pull myself up! ahaash :D. 

actually the first unexpected time was the during the last climbing trip, coming back from Batu cave climb while we're playing at the playground during the pit stop. played around with the monkey bars and shocked that i pulled myself up. aahhas. it was different from this one coz my arms were facing inwards rather than this lateral one. so, so it shows, gymming pays off. that's big encouragement to me coz its a tangible result. aahhas. 

Just came back from a wake today again. one of the church aunties passed away ytd due to cancer. Really sad coz shes one of the aunties i grew up with. nice humble lady who does many things behind the scene without complaining. She has 2 daughters  and 1 son.. all around my age if not, slightly younger. Glad shes in a better place now.. may peace be upon them throughout this trying times.

wanted to blog an emo post this week actually but didn't went on coz i didn't want to lapse into emo mode while successfully being succummed to my 2 newer mobile phone games - Tap Titans & Extreme Landing. the latter is a much more enriching one since its abt landing an aircraft and its challenging while the first game is a stupid, pointless but highly addictive game. ahahahs.

just last night, it was a party night out at Boat Quay. its almost ritual for the ladies to let loose after the game especially since it was the finals and we ended it well. i decided to ride out just to ensure i dont drink too much. not the clubbingg type, but i drank abit. 1 pint beer and 1 shot. but i rmbr my glass was never empty since Tiff was happily pouring her smirnoff all over. probably abit too much overall, but still sane. but with alcohol and the seclusion while trying to refrain from being dragged to the dance floor, i did find myself trying to battle out those... thoughts.

also, with the frequent smoke breaks from the girls, i was surprised to find myself suppressing the urge want to smoke. i never liked smoking and i'm a strong believer in staying clean and free from those stuff that's not gg to help in ur health & fitness. but well, we can't deny that it gives u that ican'tdenynice feeling right. its bad. its financially unnecessary and its a no no. 

at the end of the day, i'm really proud that i was able to walk away at the end of it. wasn't easy. i knew that if i started, it would just get more difficult. 

that's abt life sometimes uh. sometimes ppl give an inch, we just wanna whack up that mile. 

its not about trying to prove a point that u're in control or what, but its more like.. how much do u really value ur principles. what really matters.

but yea, before riding, i was abit apprehensive coz i felt abit of the alcohol kicking in. really wished that u could just come and take me and my bike home, but i had to constantly remind myself to stay away from whatsapp since i gotten myself into this state. 1 msg can mean all the things, bring back all the pain and then all the feeling of regret and remorse follows.

otw home, lucky to have not too many traffic lights, saw abit of blue and red blinker lights and felt all the guilt on my plight. thank God they were just passing vehicles. had to rmbr and embrace the times when i felt victorious while riding past those roadblocks since i was alcohol free. 

note to self: just dont be too confident and take things for granted next time.

its been probably almost a yr since we've not contacted. abit disappointed to not be able to find ur name after scrolling down whatsapp, but its probably also a good thing that i've got my new phone in which i'm forced not to dwell on the past since i dont get to see those old msges. and just like that, its gonna to be 3 yrs since we've met and almost unbelivable that i still have clear memories of the things u've spoken to be while in the cockpit and that car. hahas. funny how the human brain chooses to rmbr certain moments in ur life, clearly in full HD.... like what was i looking at when u said certain stuff.  

sometimes its too damn clear that u start to question urself - y cant i do that for my exams. hahas.

well, by now, i should be convinced and clear that i'm out of ur life and vise versa. sometimes i do ask myself if i'm just a void, a stand in, or another blank space to be filled up in someone else's life. 

what's my purpose?

where do i stand?

how much do i actually mean to u?

then again, i would ask these qns to myself with u as the subject. 

initially, it was probably abt waiting, waiting for heated moments to cool down and sink in some understandings. but i guess while the cooling takes place, like a boiling water loosing its steam over time, the mirror above it gets clearer. 

in this curent society that is commited to advancement, its about hypothesis, experiments and eventual risk takings. more often than not, we take uncalculated risks... its not that we dont want to make the calculations, but sometimes, we are unable to. we just need to make those assumptions to start off that one step. though its just one step, it is a step that dictates ur direction.

by now, its just time to give up and take a break from all these emotional battles that i've created on my own. if its worth it for both sides, it would have been. 

perhaps its has always been one sided, all.my.life. 

i am just not able to step out of myself and let go. instead of bringing misery to the ppl around me, let's just keep it in and deal with it. just rmbr that whatever it is - do not act on impulse.