co-void?

COVID-19

just thought that i should blog and document abit about what's happening around me rn during this period of uncertainty. (even though each time i open my laptop, i should be doing some sch work instead)

as of 27 March 2020, it has been about 2 months since the onset of the covid-19 in Sg / the world.

this is probably the toughest time for not just Singapore, but also countries out of Asia.

initially, it there were stigmas with the common lingos like 'oh its an asian virus', 'oh its china virus'.. 'Wuhan virus. while the daily new-case numbers in China are finally plateauing, today in USA, the county just reported an additional 17,000 cases, which brings the country up to the highest no. of infections.  covid-19 has now has 550k cases and 25k lives were lost during this war.

idk but, trying to put everything together, it seems so surreal. while the media always try to calmly report whatever updates using neutralizing words, i feel like the gravity of the situation is heavier than what we're all being taught to think. no, i dont mean propaganda or hiding any facts. but in bid to not cause any panic amongst civillians, i do believe that this is only the beginning of a longer fight despite the situation spiraling out and up with a desperate sprint. we're walking on this line, day by day. changes are so fluid that you cannot really make any accurate predictions for the next 24hrs.

i think that we're really in the midst of a pandemic. 

like those exaggerated movies where there's all lockdown, and everywhr is just like food shortages.

i mean, WHO has 'used' that word with caution to describe the situation a few weeks back. and every day, the evolving situation is like just worsening, with the media trying to be open yet

its times of such crisis that you not only see the beauty of humans, but also the ugliest side of humans. some countries retained its vigour will stepping up to put differences aside to work together; while there are some people who some how try to take advantage of the situation for their selfish gains.

i mean, there's really alot of uncertainty on each levels and i really dont have the time to really document it all down at a micro level. like for me as a full time worker in aviation while being a part-time student in a just-established local uni, the challenges are real and the uncertainties make it really difficult to focus on our task and be motivated about it.

exams are coming, OT are cut, mandatory no pay leaves being enforced.... all these makes the future pretty bleak. like to highlight one of the big disappointment to me on a personal level is the outlook of getting upgraded after my deg. so the plan is to get my T4 in this year after i grad. i've been working and pushing so hard for the last 4.5 yrs so that the time frame allows me to progress on from T2 to T3 and to T4 within this year.  the rule is that i need to officailly grad  ONLY after i progress to T3, which is supposed to happen in aug and oct respectively. however, the company has suspended all upgrades this year. this means that, if i graduate in oct this year, as a T2, the graduation would only bring me to T3 and i would need another 10 yrs to get my T4; as compared to getting my T3 (after 5 yrs of passing out)  and then using my grad to upgrad to T4.

that would mean another 10 yrs wasted.

that's the thing about my life.

really.

i mean, if u have been following my 'life's progression', each time i'm almost there to reach a goal, policies change which mean i would need to make detours.

its like, i have 2 dips, 2 degrees, and i still cant be an engineer; and its not that i'm 'not qualified'. in fact, to quote the HR, i am 'overqualified' (all thanks to you guys, but we'll leave that for now.)

also, this sem is finally my last semester after like 8 semesters right. so i've been on MOE bursary because my rabak  PCI and GCI .. i think the tiers were like $675 and $375 (if i rmbr correctly.). in which i get higher one ah. on my final semester, the govt review it to $1250, $800 and $350, in which i can still quality for the highest tier. EHH. that's a diff of about $600 / sem eh. and the fact that aerospace mods are so damn ex, esp with the labs and an overseas module; it was financially tough to some extent uh. i wouldn't consider myself struggling, coz i think i'm planning it all out quite well. but it also means i gotta rough it out at times and make sacrifices if i still want to be financially-able to bring mother poon on holidays while she is still physically-able.

the time is ticking and till this day, i still wonder if this degree is worth all these sacrifices.

i think when i grad, i'd re-evaluate again.

ok so anyway, falling short. i'm always falling short.

and its really not me giving up, but the 'end point' just changed when it's within sight.

ok let's not digress.

the immediate miro concern is just probably the upcoming exams, and also the No Pay Leave.

i think still survivable la.

its just that i need to learn to adjust and deal with such uncertainties while trying to prepare for the exams, not knowing of the format of it. we're about 1 month away btw.

it's really very disruptive, but i guess we all need to understand and adapt.

its really not the time to lament and complain because there's really so much going on. i just need to be focus.

actually tbh, i think i'm also learning to thrive in such situations given my circumstances. honestly, i'm pretty glad how things are turning out for myself emotionally. i'm still glad and thankful that i managed to pull myself out of my deep emotional wells that started caving in back in 2018.

its like, with all these 'more pressing' issues on hand, it just expedites my progress. i'm honestly embracing the fact that i'm single now and learning to appreciate myself more while trying to outwardly complain / express myself less.

its not even about not wanting to fall in love, but its like, i dont even want to think about it. its like, the 'missing you' days/ moments are much less and FINALLY, its not on an every-day basis, i think. people who have chosen to walk away really dont deserve my time, effort and any mental RAM space, really.

i need to further internalize that. 

interestingly, i actually restored my okc acc when i have 0 interest in getting into a r/s now. so this time, it feels very very different. i'm not even looking, but just swipping on people , reading their self description and looking at the kind of photos they post of themselves which is really LOL. sorry to be judgmental, but isn't what social media is all about? it does makes my day at times coz its just damn funny. yes, i am also currently openly chatting to some guys and also girls on diff platforms now.

somehow i'm quite impressed that i'm managing my feelings well. i'm more... 'guarded'?... actually, maybe wrong choice of word coz it doesn't feel as erm.. repulsive(?) as of now. i guess i can selfishly say that they are 'filling in the gaps' while i just choose to not open the curtains of my windows. 

k2 was really a good lesson. not everyone is as genuine my heart may feel it is, while some have their hidden agendas which i'll never know and will not be bothered to find out. 

there's really alot more pressing issues on hand; and other than protecting myself, i need to protect my family financially, and during this period of time, physically as well.

right now, the small steps count.

the effort towards graduation count.

i wont be surprised if i'm not able to graduate this year since it has always been the case of fall short. i should have learnt to manage my expectations / emotions; whilst, not compromising on my effort towards excellence and giving my best as always. 

okok. back to work now.

thanks again for another space of organizing my thoughts.

tired of this life.

tbh about honesty

decided to blog coz there's quite a handful of emotional things that i'd like to document it down.

i think its sad to have many ppl loving u, with the ones whom you love the most turning their back on you at the end, treating you like as if you were never once part of their lives.
i'm really tired.

people always say they value honesty.
while we're young, we're more open with our words. always thinking that, oh, its 'right and good' to be honest about things. like if our blunt words have their consequences, 'it is ok' as long as you are doing the 'right' thing.
as we start growing older, we realize that these consequences really test our faith towards the valuation of being honest. what does it take to be honest? what does it mean to be honest?

honest or not, if the message gets miscommunicated, misunderstood, then what's the point of being expressive or even trying to convey our honest thoughts and opinions? at the end of the day, it always seem to do more damage than good. not to just to others, but more to ourselves.

i guess there's also many aspects of honesty. like we always say, oh.. we should always be honest with ourselves. however, if what we present outwardly, at the end of the day, brings us all these hurt and pain, then what's worth? by twisting / bending our honest opinions to suit what people expect of us, then are we really still being honest with ourselves? if we unwillingly settle for anything short of honesty, then it's just going to be our norm and unfortunately, we'd unknowingly internalize it. and that's the danger right there. we dont even know of our shifting values and perspectives.


like moving into this year, i told myself to learn to love myself more.
and really, its been pretty slightly better from the past 2 years. while trying to love myself more, i'm starting to see how selfish people can get, and how selfish i can be too. and unfortunately at times, being selfish brings more good to urself, not even considering if others are being affected. i guess that's what it means to be selfish too.
what's the point of giving so much? its not that we expect anything in return, but the hurt and pain that comes aftermath just devour us from within. it makes us question or values, or thoughts, our sincere intention. like whats the point of loving someone, giving so much, but all we get is betray. the weight of this betrayal is dependent on the amount we give, whether we intentionally weigh it or not.
hence, why do we even want to love someone else, when it's easier to love ourselves and let's just stick to that.


like to be really honest with myself, i'm starting to see changes in me. some good, some not so.
missing u and coping with all the hurt and memories with k1 has always been top of the list. but i wanna congratulate myself for significantly seeing myself moving on. i've moved away from like trying to stop missing u or thinking of u, coz its obvious for the past 15 years, i'm not good at that towards any person whom i love alot. and by saying 'i love alot' it really means that these are the people whom i'm willing to forgo myself, at the expense of my self-worth to just love and that's probably the biggest pitfall.  some days, i still text you about some news just because i still care for you. i rlly dont care if u still hate me and even more for doing so, but that's how i can cope for now and also since these are news u should take note of esp if there's confirmed covid case in ur neighbourhood when u have young, cute niece and nephews. but each time as i see you at work and how u'd see me and still disregard my presence and existence, it still feels like the heart being trampled on.

as for k2, i'm starting to internalize the truth. its like, i feel so blinded by my emotions. all the good feelings and good times were really just a facade. honesty is what we both believed in, but i guess, it's not being appreciated. my heartfelt intentions became threatened. everything was being overly analyzed with assumptions and scrutiny. you expect perfectness, and while falling short of that perfection wasn't acceptable, justified analysis were just excuses for your exit. u didnt want the darkness, and i'm guess i also should be thankful that u forced the exit before i could even fall in deeper with someone who couldn't love me and my flaws.
but with u, i am thankful coz u allowed me to discover my darknesses and somehow, allowed me to face it. coz initially, i thought like while doing it for myself, it was doing it for u, and hence, the route was more promising. subsequently, i was and i am determined to just do it for myself just so i could love myself better. but in the end, it'll never be enough for u. the r/s really made me search for the epitome of my hurt and deep issues that comes with being in a r/s with someone i love so much.
in it, i also learnt to let go. if i can love someone so deeply, i should also learn that people whom u can love so deeply aren't bound to stay anyways. nothing on this earth is definite.


some things i just dont understand is that, ppl say they want a clean break, they want me to move on and all.. but they are the ones who bear the grudges and just retaliating with all these actions and intentional non-actions which are essentially actions on their own. on my part, i'm sorry for still showing affection through my little actions in which i failed to control. but if friendship is what we've agreed upon, i guess it just makes u guys promise breakers. well, promises are never meant to be kept anyways. promises are just statements that comes with an expectation and pressure to uphold what's being said upon. they shouldn't mean anything.

anyway, sorry for veering off to my top 2 issues of the heart. hahas
but yea
i decided to write about this coz i discovered something through my sis.
so basically, my sis had some issues with some ppl and she approached be about it via WA. not gg to talk about whatever it is, but in her actions and words, i finally saw myself.

its like, i felt like i really could understand what she's trying to do and have done.
i saw myself which what ppl have been seeing of me. i never understood why all these people said all these hurtful things to me and i guess now, i kinda understand why.
idk how to explain in words the feeling of the revelation, but to some extent, it was helpful for my learning self.

my sister and i are both of the same kind in terms of our expression. we express love, what we care for in our own ways. and in these ways, not many people can appreciate and understand us. hence, this is also y i realized there's an uncanny level of similarities in the struggles we face in life, work and love. we dont share much about our lives, but some how, we just know.
when it comes to the issues / situations we care for, we tend to be very defensive, very quick to react when fighting for the ones we love, especially if its with the one we love. one of the reasons i'd like to conclude with is that we've just very passionate and honest. we dont hold back our words towards what we care for.  the good intention is always there, but the delivery often gets misunderstood and more often than not, gets boycotted. sometimes, it all just backfires and ppl whom we love alot just used that at weapons back at us just because they will never understand.

the rational explanation lies in our upbringing. in our family, we never hold back our words. we probably only limit the profanities coz it is just 'right' that vulgarities shouldn't be used in a household. we love each other in our own blunt honest ways. never with the hearts and flowers. just the tough love, tough words, and hard coded actions. our family understands and only loves via tangible actions; also like how mother poon can cane and slap the life out of us. many things we dont say. we just know. we just love. and that's really how we roll. its our culture, we've internalized it as individuals as our values and hence, struggle with coping with the face value of society. because of our bluntless, we often argue, scold and shout. we're a hot tempered bunch, but just somehow amazingly and without any confrontation or talk, the next day just gets better w/o enough trying or any explaining. its something i think we take for granted, not because we dont appreciate, but its because, since love is alrdy in its tough raw form, there is really no need to break it down. our intentions though may never be explicitly clear, we all just know what it means to love a person, a family member.

hence, to the outside world, we probably seem as people who dont appreciate the hearts and flowers though we unfortunately might like them only because of the face value of what society has taught us. i think this is my first time blogging in such analysis with my family, but i think after getting pass the 30 mark, the solid advantages of tough love are starting to unfold and reveal its true, blunt, raw value. not many people will understand and expect this and likewise, we shouldn't and cannot expect anyone to understand and appreciate such foundation for love.


so, the one big takeaway this yr so far other than loving myself is, never to lose my independence. hahas. that statement sounded abrupt and as if out of nowhere, but that's also how ppl and why people can say they love me and then choose to walk out on me entirely. bc of k1, i had to learn dependence which something mutually exclusive of that. all the adjustments really made me lose myself.
i think a few weeks ago, i twitted something like "I thought 2020 was gonna be abt discovering myself again. But so far, it seems i alrdy knew. I just need to pull it altogether once again".


so, going back to the drawing back, all the ingredients are there, never lost. i just need to piece them back together and be proud of who i am, along with the lessons and experiences.
unfortunately for this year, i've also told myself to not fall in love with anyone so deeply anymore. someone once told me, to 'find someone who loves you more than u can love him'. haha. why should i? let him find me instead. hahas. but nah, i'm really tired.
one distinctive change i see in myself that, i'm less hard-hearted now. its like, at every emotional scene on a media that's playing, i tear up easily. in the past, i never tear i guess also coz i always think like, y bother crying when it doesnt change anything. nowadays, almost every touching scene would open up my tear ducts. even at one of the government's ad about cny also made me tear up siol. lol.
yea. so TSL came out with 4 episodes of Alternate Beginnings. i cried at every episode and even at the trolling bonus episode. ahhas. idk if its something to be thankful for, but i guess i'm more relatable to all the struggles. not broken, but its like soft-boil egg now. hard on the outside, but softie on the inside.

haha. whatever.
anyway, thanks for reading, or rather, thank you blogger for letting me sit down and organize my thoughts and emotions through typing. i do feel like coz of engineering, its becoming more difficult to express myself, but i guess it doesnt matter anymore.
i'm just so glad and thankful that i can finally start being myself again.
thank God as always.




Covid is really an issue coz it messing up so much planned activities.
some of which has affect some of my peer's date of graduation.
most of the sporting leagues are also cancelled, and through all these, the nation is trying to work together and stay united for each other.
for me, other than the usual sch and miscellaneous activities, one outstanding thing was about my bowling tournament. remember back in early January when i was just super devastated about not getting the sponsorship to bowl in Copenhagen? (click here to read) yea. so the prestigious world international airline bowling tournament got cancelled. the sportsclub withdrew the sponsorship and some of the guys who have booked the flight tickets all not have like issues of cancellation / refund and all. i mean, i'm not happy or what, but just felt like thank God for watching over me? His plans are always higher than ours and i just need to learn to trust Him more, and not let my own humanly thinking cloud His love.


other than that, sch and work.
dun think i have time to blog about work coz there's also alot to just vomit out, also coz Airshow was another event worth documenting.
but yea, in sch, this is becoming an unexpectedly heavy sem though it's just my shortest-3mod sem.
learning how to code in Python and my fyp is using Java in Android Studio.
really alot and probably too much to cover for what is expected given the time frame, but somehow, i have this little feeling that i know i can excel this. like how i can excel in Excel. hahas pun intended, but i know i'm better than an average Excel user. hahas
but i really struggle with the assignment and its not just me. there are moments that i feel like i cant graduate just bc i can't submit a good assignment to be even qualified for the exams. but i just handed in one assignment this week and hence have abit of time to just empty my internal system cache. hahas. and now, we're going into Objected Oriented Programming.
hah.

you know, though it's just so intense to be coding hours everyday, i'm just thankful that it keeps my mind busy and focused to learn. on the other hand, while i tend to slip and give up on fighting for my 2nd upp  (coz there's really little faith and confidence) while riding on a possibility of 3.99 , i'm glad I'M NOT YET GIVING UP.  if i can be so aggressive in fighting for someone, Y NOT FIGHT FOR MY GPA. hahas. yea.
so that's my focus for now till June.

and yea, just how that the covid situation will peak soon and then improve like mad; also coz i really wanna go Nepal this year. it's been something i've been trying save up / have time for for yearsss.
okok. better go back into coding. thanks again. :)
(not going to be reading through and vetting for the error. sorry for the internal and external mess.)

prog ur shit

u're so cold that it makes the Python language colourful.
so stubborn like a tuple.

many things to blog.
really feel like blogging.
but i need to get my shit together and do with project well.

i always loved march coz most of my fav ppl's  birthdays fall in march.
i dont rmbr birthdays much, but for some ppl, it just happen to rmbr.
so, no one is going to ruin March.