Not fighting is fighting in itself.

Landing lights.

Just rode pass ecp from changi.

Saw some planes heading towards the airport with the landing gears in locked position, full landing lights on.

With e red and green lights at e wing tips, logo lights blinking, it was really pretty likka solid angle across the dark litted sky.

Had to focus my eyes on the road, so I couldnt soak up its beauty. Really wish that you're with me, just to enjoy such beauty with each other's company.

Jet Star

my boss super hilarious. knowing that i didn't make it to the trainee prog, on Christmas eve, he sent me an email titled "Season Greetings" and attached with it is the training schedule of all the modules and even the typecourse topics. . -_-   thanks yaaaa. Ahhaha. 

Christmas was quite chillax as always. 

played electric for christmas service. 

had a nua lunch at the usual coffeeshop. then going to eveleen's house to nua further. watched Hunger Games & lotsa Victoria Secret model FS.  :D we painted our nails and ate lotsa chocolate.

u know i'm like the best in Art in sec sch in class.... but i can't paint my nails properly for some reason. hahas.

anyways. it was the annual family dinner, thinking about all those ppl i miss alot. taking them along with me in my heart to make it semi complete.

then the annual christmas party at nad's place just down the road.

always good to see the old friends again.

so it was really like the last Christmas. 

not much diff.

the only diff is that.. I HAD WORK TODAY.

i thought i would die today coz i slept at about 3am last night. but amazingly, i had a gooood sleep. i guess coz is that wheee bit of alcohol i had just for the occasion. but this whole yr, i dun rmbr drinking alot at all ever since..... those alcohol-abusing moments last year. so i guess my tolerance dropped alot and was feeling the slight effects of it after less then a cup.

work was somehow peaceful. boss is on leave! haha. and i'm waiting for the other side to send in more information before i can do my analysis. hence... i'm relatively FREE. ;D

did lotsa read up online about aircraft safety. and of course, job search. hahas. #stubborn.

but of course, still had all the back logg of miscellaneous work. but was alright coz i left office before 7pm today and homed even before the sunset because there's no trng for the week! surprised that the coach would give us a break coz i rmbr last yr about this time, it was like boot camp. hahhas. 

got home, wanted to do sort out the combined 32gb x2 worth of photos from the mission trip.. but i played like my phone game all the way. drifted in and out of sleep before dinnner.

totally wasted the evening. but i think it should be considered as a good waste.

so here i am. 

still thinking.

i hope all  this is routine and habitual in some sense.

was looking through my own technical notebook today by chance.

all the things u've taught me on my last plane.

i still rmbr all those lessons from you though. the towing, the uld sensor etc

i still rmbr the time in juliet-serra-oscar while i watched you from behind as you comms with the atc ppl. i still rmbr the morning golden sunrise on the left, with those misty glowing trees at the far horizon. it was from a night shift

i still rmbr how i did not know you, neither did you knew me.  kinda missed how i was really focused on the job when feeling awesome that i was in the cockpit.

those were the times i've really enjoyed, and definitely a subtly big milestone for me to keep in terms of my love for aviation. for that, i thank you for giving me that piece of good memory.

and for the many reasons, i miss night shifts.

all the hustle and bustle in the morning.. it then all falls down to a stand still at night. seemingly quiet, but not quite while some technicans are probably solving some problem elsewhere in the dark.

and when it comes day break again, the cycle repeats, and the airport never sleeps.

2014 is coming.

havent really thought about the breakthroughs i wanna make yet.

losing all the drive in life...

but i hope things can change soon. 

i  wanna be fearless and gain back hope and confidence tt i've lost when it comes to relationships and friendships with people.

the nights so cold. 

no, really. likka isitsingapore?!-kind-of-cold.

Hey.
Merry Christmas to you.
I miss you.
<3

Merry Christmas!

Sportspoon would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! 

Especially to those who are working night shift now and the mornging shift tomorrow...

Also to all those she loves, she misses, once loved and still love even more, and to all those who has made life a tad more challenging. Haha. :D

Together we dinner

ok first and foremost, thank God for the 3 dinner nights in a row with several groups of people.

friday night. cell group dinner. 

felt really family-ish coz not only did we had christmasy food, our cell leaders each gave us christmas presents too. while watching a dvd together after dinner, it got really cold coz of the evening rain. we were each given a cup of hot chocolate and that was really warmed by cold heart alot.

sat night. outdoor family steamboat with the koongs.

the koong father was the photographer for this photo. we've been quite close since this yr's mission trip coz i've been looking out for the kids and their mum was kinda my close friend during the trip somehow. hahas. crazy bunch. went over to transfer some photos, but father koong was bent on treating me a dinner. so ta-dah! :D helped them make some christmas gifts for the general ppl too! hahas. was night. dinner outdoor, and then likka slideshow of the mission trip projected over the white wall.

sunday night. Blacks womens rugby dinner. 

the annual dinner cum gift exchange.

always funny to just see my teammates being their crazy self, especially also being #MacCompetitive over everything. hahas.

yup. that pretty sums up my wkend.

mother poon is finally back home again...

so in all cases, its pretty sad for me to be at the group dinner, coz the concept of opportunity cost, i've abandoned her alone for dinner to be elsewhere. mother poon being mother poon, i guess she's fine with that. but honestly, deep down i believe she feels that emptiness, just like me.

its funny... k, not funny.. but despite having all these momentarily dinner, i still feel pretty much... alone. ok, i think 'alone' is not really the right word to use, but i just feel empty.

not sure i've mentioned here before, but ever since i've back from the mountains, i find it hard to adjust to life back here in singapore again. it seems that i can't mentally cope with all the problems. 

every yr, its the case. but this yr, i feel it even more coz now that i'm working, not only am i dealing with my own life, but the decisions i make do affect the lives of the ppl with families as well. 

anyways, recently, a uld (likka cargo metal box like that) got sucked up into the left engine of the SQ 777 that was arriving in. its in the news. i saw the vid and i was like.. shocked to see the power of the engine. i mean i know how airplane engines are powerful, but to physically see the cargo box get lifted up is really... sseeerrrioussllly?!. as i was watching it, it really feels very very sad. coz the whole engine is ruined. thankfully murphy's law wasn't in action so no one was hurt, nor did the fuel tank get punctured and the whole plane get exploded or something. imagine that happen all because of 1 man who failed to perform his duty of making sure that the taxiway is free from FOD (foreign object damage).

ok, for all arrival aircrafts, there will be at LEAST 1 technician to be on standby to 'recieve' the a/c. one of his basic task is to ensure that the area is free from FOD. that's it right. i dun think u even need training to do so. idk what's the actual situation like, but i hope for that matter, he's not physically there to do so. i mean like, if he's there, it really means like omg... can't u just watch the plane come in at least, so you can at least signal to the pilot or something.  just really disappointing. i really felt it i've really been far from all the technical parts of the plane, and to see the engine being ruined like that, its really v sad can.

ok. side trackked abit.

back to my life...

i am thankful, but i want to be more thankful.

yea, as i've got a larger-than-norm pool of friends, there's really alot of ppl i wanna spend time with. with my work like taking up 75% of my awake time, i dun have much time left. there's a few key ppl in my life that i do wanna just catch up with, sit by the breakwaters, or like take a cool stroll down some where to just lepak and not think about anything. but because i really can't find the time to, i just dont even dare to start the communication coz i know that i can't keep it up. :(

idky but these few days, been thinking, what if i leave the world all of a suddenly (Choy ah!) and leaving mother poon alone. not that i'm unaware of the dangers of riding a bike, but its just like these few days that i'm pretty concerned about my life. not that i'm afraid of death coz its just a physical passing away, but more concerned for the ppl around me. like what will happen to mother poon? can she take it? i've learnt a lesson that no one is indispensable, but what i do know is that an absence of one person can really create a permanent void that is irreversible. 

i miss my dad alot these few days and there's nothing i can do but to just suck it up and live with it.

as mentioned,  i do miss the several persons in my life that have come and gone. especially those whom have played a big part once, now gone away. its not that they're gone forever or have migrated to other distant countries, they're just somewhere around.... its just that the circumstances create that kind of distance, seeming wider than oceans. and its really sad. its not that we're physically incapable of shortening the distance since we're all connected by electronically means.... its a matter of whether we really want to or not, or, have that sufficient courage to just send that 1 msg, make that 1 phone call.

in some cases, i've plucked up courage to write a letter, specially saying that i really need a response, but i get none. in most cases, all i can do is just think of the 'what ifs' and the you.

the happy times spent together, the could have times spent together, the hope of spending more time together. as i ride along the roads of singapore, since i'm always riding alone with music playing, my mind do goes into likka screensaver mode... playing all the flashbacks; both the happys and the sads.

most of the time, i gotta consciously tell myself to snap out of it. coz there's 1 case that i've accidentally beat the red light. thank God it was at night and there weren't any cars. in other cases, i've missed the highway exits. hahas. eh. its not about multi-tasking ok. but i just get too carried away... ahhas. literally.

bur really. what more can i do?

in all ways, it seems that i'm the one who's the one asking for it.

what more grounds do i have left?

i undeservingly deserve all these. there's really no one but to blame but myself for everything. 

i dont expect anything, but each time i hear some sounds, pass by some places, i can't help to think about the past.

dun mean to sound pitiful, but to nicely put it, i've got no way out but i just have to deal with it. 

ok. to end off with a lighter note...

check out my cool temporary natural snake tattoo. hahas.

sigh.

what more can i say?

Commando Challenge 2013

Commando Challenge

took park in the 4km one with 15+ obstacles.

thank God i didn't take part in the Elite category which was the 12km one.

ran in the Team category with my Monsoon peeps. :)

hahas. it seems tougher than the last urbanathalon i did under Men's health because of the mud.. or maybe coz i haven't been actively trng over the last 2 wks. the mud was like.... ankle deep and u really shouldn't run if u wanna save ur ankles. and it was those kind of sticky mud where it takes extra effort to get every step out. most of the runners walked through the muddy channels though. 

the obstacles are fun... and not very difficult as compared to the MH's one. the ice pool one is always the fav. u know, with netting above and the fog (from the condensation of the ice), i could really make a good photo. regretted that i didn't bring my camera coz the runner's guide say until like the run super difficult and all and that u'll be 'submerged' in water. hahas. my waterproof cam can take it la.. but since it was the unknown, didn't want to risk it.

but ok la, generally, not as tiring as the MH's one coz its just 4km. more obstacles more fun.

and new bruises. being abused by the metal bars while climbing up. surprisingly, no cuts though. and it always interesting to bath when ur limbs are coved in mud. sometimes, u try and rub off the black marks, and while doing so, u realize that the black stains dont go away... so u rub harder.. and when u do so, it hurts... so.. ta-dah... u've discovered a new .... bruise. hahahhas. 

ended around 330pm-ish. didn't go for trng coz trng was at 3pm. 

went to get groceries.

and then there was the big storm.

and i had like 5 bags of heavy groceries. and my bike's fully loaded with my dirty stuff and rice from thailand (given to me this morng by my fav church aunties who arrived last night). didn't have any container for me to tie it to my bike or anything.

Plan B. 

since where i've parked is where i park usually when i'm working as a rider for popeyes, i made a plan to hijack the bag. hahas. since it was raining, delivery orders are withheld. stoppage. so i borrowed from my collegue to bring all my stuff home. 

felt likka genius and for that moment, i thank God for the rain even though it still wasn't in favour of my  situation. 

yesterday was the company's staff bonding event at south ridges!

done that route probably about 3-4 times alrdy.

hoping to do it with you one day but oh wells.

anyway, it was hot. but ok. nice clear skies though.

and part of trail was filled with tourists.

he so cute. brought his super cute son along. he didn't expect the loooong stairs man. hahas.

my fav wall. 

so yup. it was ok. but it could have been more fun if some ppl didn't have to leave halfway or joined in halfway. always good to have everyone for such event.

and i can't believed i skipped my Touch trng for this though, felt that it was necessary since its all about working together right. hahas.

after that, went vivo awhile and it raiineeddddd like mad again.

shopped there. settled some christmas presents. but i still dont like such big malls. 

and then, went home to get changed and finally... dinner  not only with mother poon and sis, but with the liews and my fav boy!

i was so so happy to see him after months and the moment he saw me, he hugged and kissed me man.

:')

its probably been over 3-4 months that i've last seen him. taller now. losing all the baby fat. still talking alot, and more intelligent usage of words. 

was really tired from the day's event though. but we dinnered, walked around orchard to soak in the christmasy mood and lights. had ice cream at 12am... then went home.

so that sums up my wkend. quite well spent i should say.

managable, while i have skipped 2 trngs. in the past, i'd probably chooose trngs over such events.... change in commitment level? more like a change in priority. (eg, i still rmbr wanting to go for my bowling trngs even though my dad was in the hospital / at the casket and so on sia. #no.1 teammate can).

but yes, i thank God for this wkend. i still wanna pray for His direction, that i'll be quick to settle into my job for now.  thanks.

Hunger Games

today's the first time that i bought my own movie ticket online, chose a corner seat and went to watch a movie alone.
i wanted to watch Hunger Games but everyone else has watched alrdy. some of my friends dun mind watching it again with me, but i wouldn't want them to waste another $13.50. neither could i pay out another $13 just for someone to accompany me.

i never understood how can one person buy a solo ticket and watch a movie alone.
but i did it today - for the movie and, for... myself. (didn't even pull such stunt for IronMan 3)
it was different somehow. coz after the movie, i had no one to talk out all my confusion. hahas. usually after a movie, i've got tons of points for discussion. yea. and i didn't have to make a trip to the toilet.. coz usually in a group, at least 1 person will go to the loo. so it was just me... walking out alone, hearing all the discussions of the movie around me.


hahas. the cinema wasn't fully booked.... there's this guy who sat 2 seats away from me, also alone. it was damn weird coz after the movie, he kept loooking at me. its not that i'm chio or what since its dark all around, but it was uncomfortable and i dont like ppl looking at me like that. hahas. perhaps it was just me and my cargo pants with safetyshoe, big bag and messed up hair that made me.... stood out from the crowd since i was 'outstanding', sitting out from the crowd. ok. #punfailed. hahahs


anyway, i discovered something about myself recently.
i'm damn prone to tearing over little and somehow even insignificant touching moments.
i'm never like this, even so, if i want to stop myself from tearing, usually,  i would succeed. this year, there's really too much of a faulty outflow valve man. idk if its part of the growing up package, or i've simply got too much inner undiscovered hurt that needs to be poured out to the oceans and seas.
or probably because of all the things that i've gone/ and still going through this year, it's making me a more sensitive person. not sure if its a good or bad thing though.
but whatever it is, is its not good to cry in public like that. not cool.




still, i've been thinking about you. and you.
and because its such a matter, and the weightage seems to fluctuate exponentially day-to-day likka see-saw, i feel really lousy and it just adds on to the.. load that i seem to be carrying.
i thought the 2 weeks of mission trip can see all these through thoroughly. well it did, but it does come back with another perspective. not as bad as it could be, but still bad enough for me to live with an unwanted load... its like that dagger which was stabbed in by you, is still there, unable to get it pulled out. each time i try to wriggle and free it up, like quick stand, an unnatural force pulls it down deeper.
i've survived well and so for these few months and, also... all these years. but when these 2 daggers becomes a big sword, the damage gets really big and i duno if there's every a possibility for error recovery.


adding on is my recent upset in my work and life goals, nothing seems to be going on good.
hence, honestly, i had to force myself to go out and entertain myself; get.a.life.
there's work to be done, there's photos to clear, but there's more pressing issues to be ironed out before i can function.


there's really so so much i just want to share with your. idk if you're still reading this space, but i sincerely hope that u've stopped. see. thats how ironically indecisive i can be.
but that's how it should be right. thats what it should look.. like  i've somehow seem to have..... made you establish such a ground right even technically you shouldn't have wanted to.
then again, i hate all this.


but whatever it is, at least the dagger, or rather the sword is literally out of your reach. neither can you cut it deep or even pull it out. though like quicksand, its slowly sinking in, i should be appreciative that its not plunging in fast.

i guess the only way out for me is to just be focused. to harden that heart and prevent further damage literally. for i'm really so so exhausted and it has pushed me to feel undeserving, worthless and useless. yup, i know its no good to have such stupid and baseless thoughts, but lets just hope time can somehow do its supposed wonders. though it has proven to be useless after all these years, that's the weapon / medicine i've left with me.



in my quiet ways, i just hope that from a far, both of you are well and life can always be better.
same goes to be i guess. that's all i can and should do for now.




major lesson learnt for the week:


one should learn to let go from the moment i've made a choice to pick it up.




be it relationships, work, goals, everything in life.
nothing is really eternal so man up and face depature likka man.
only Salvation is eternal. that's about it.

pls continue to pray for me, coz i have no idea how else i can help myself but to just.. help myself by helping myself.
it sucks to feel this way be in such a trough. well, at least for now its not downward going, so i hope i can pick up myself. hope this Christmas season can do its wonders and lift me up. probably not just the amplitude , but the whole wave on the vertical axis, if ya know what i mean.

Crashed

Today, its as if I got hit yet again.

Maybe dreams are just meant to be a challenging process. They're meant to fail and then, supposedly build u up from there.

I guess I needa learn to let go of my 3rd dream.
Ive learnt to move on from my 1st and 2nd. Where can I go now?

Cant go up.
Cant go down.

Am I supposed to adapt and settle now?
I'm starting to doubt my intentions or what i really want. Looking at it now, what do I really like? I cant help feeling very useless, very redundant and v hopeless.

Maybe if I was taller, I could have been saving more live now?
Maybe if I didnt let my dad's death affect my grades, I could have been a doctor?
Or maybe I'm just giving a shitload of excuses.

I feel really stupid and useless and like I need to wallow up in self-pity just to feel comforted.
Mother poon's absence from the house is slowly eating me away.
In work, I dont have anyone to talk to.
In trng, I dont have the time to talk to anyone.
At home, I open the door to silence.
There used to be mother poon, my sis, and my dad. The tv noise...sister poon in the hall... mother poon's cooking smell and noises... while dad is all geared up in his handsome uniform with heaploads of cologne (probably to mask the hydraulic fluid smell) preparing for his night shift.
Then it dropped to just the 3 of us. And then there was 2.
And look now, its all empty now and I'm really feeling it bad.
This is what I call the deafening silence that kills.

Its not just abt being lonely u know. Its having no life at all.

I dont even want to talk abt the relationship probs in life coz I feel undeserving and its not worth it for those around me.

My only 2 friends now are my Mac and Cheese whom have grown so big now. They've been with me for over a year now. I wanna buy a bigger place for them but I dun have the $$ and the space.

Whatever

And to add on, I miss boon tong. I miss the villagers. I miss the 2 wks of that kind of life. No, its not all holiday mood, but is just simplicity and joy. Its funny how I'm trying so hard to adapt back to my own world of reality. So much revenue for what when the company is not happy. So much money for what.

Its probably the girl-mode time of the month again. But its killing me.

I guess tmr morng is a new day. Well, it is.
The probs wont go, u wont get what u want or what u expect, but I can hope to feel better for the sun is really my warmth and friend.
If the dark clouds dutifully come tmr, 'come what may' then.

I'm just very sad right now.

bummmmmer

siao liao la.


seem to have lost my pace.

feeling all villager and now, revenue, profit and cost dont seem to matter anymore.

#die

becausei'vegotlotsofproposalstosettle.




somebody wake the reality out of me plssssssssss.







ok. little india riot last sunday.
idk but i think ppl are just getting paranoid over the whole racial issue.
its not about indians, chinese or whatsoeva la. its just a bunch of ppl getting frustrated, and overly annoyed, who has successfully influenced the hundreds around them to spark off something uncool, and uncalled for which eventually led to unnecessary injuries. so, i dont think its any racial issue, but its just about people not being able to control themselves.

whatever that it, it does show that Singapore, being one of the the safest country county, is not spared from such riots and social problems.

hence, instead of posting racial comments, and unnecessary feedback that does not help the situation, i'd rather we all spend some time to reflect and be thankful for our government's efforts thus far, and the rationality of the generic Singaporeans.
yea, we may be kiasu and kiasee. but in that way, it not only allow us to fight for ourselves, but also to demand more that what we can achieve. i think that's the spirit of Singaporeans, though ugly in different scenarios, but at least its what that got us from a small fishing village to high rise buildings you see today.




yea. and meanwhile in the distant mountains of northern thailand, we've got villagers who are more concerned about the rice and coffee harvest which may be ruined by the rainnn.
was talking to one of the villager towner guy. he said that before he got his motorbike, he used to walk for 8hrs everyday to and from from his house to his shop.
honestly, i sincerely believe i heard wrongly because if i was him, i would have stayed in the shop right! perhaps he's got other commitments / responsibility.





anyway idk y but i'm soooo tired today. better turn in soon. dun want to waste another day tmr.

Aiyo

Stuck in office now with productivity level 0.

I

Need

Some

Serious

Help

In

Here

Man.

Hahha. I've got so much stuff to do but I dont feel lile doingggg. Howww.

Thinking about dinner. Hungry but lazy to do put in any form of effort. Ugh. Sluggish is e word man.

Realigned.

Hi I'm back! (not finally though)

reallyyyy dreaddding work tmr. 

just yesterday, i was 2500km away from Singapore. now, i'm like preparing myself for another work monday.

ok. this post is not gonna be about all the exciting stuff i did during the trip coz there's too many, but its just a post to thank God for realigning my life.

14th nov - 7 Dec

thank God for the beautiful skies, mountains and seas.

really. this year, the cold temp came abit later than usual, but there was rain everywhere! clouds were everywhere and it gave new perspectives to the landscapes.

this photo is taken while we landed in chiang mai during the evening. of course, the photo is edited with a tinge of red filter, but the magic hour of the setting sun was still amazing and very welcoming.

dun mean to spoil the photo but this is a very girly photo of me because i didn't tie my hair up.

anyway, the mountains never fail to fascinate me.

in one particular village, the temp probably dropped below 10deg (w/o the cold wind). in the hut where we stayed, there were little gaps in the bamboo walls... hence it was freeeezig in the night. further more, the hut was facing the the open view of the mountains with cold winds constantly blowing in. but thank God i didn't suffer much throughout the night coz i was prepared for it. :) hahas

and guess what i saw! FIREFLIES!

they were huge man. like little cockroaches. singapore's one are half-size.... these are whooppingly big. 

didnt' manage to see many many flying around though. just 3 or 4 loitering around.

anways. 14 days away from singapore to be focused and do God's work is the best thing that happened to me for the year. uncannily, or rather, by God's grace, the heart-felt 'lesson learnt' for the team this year is probably also to be focused. i wont go into the team details now though.

hahas. there was one particular lunch pitstop we had. and in the shabby shophouse, there was free wifi! hahhaahs. i switched on my wifi, saw 973 whatsapp msg (and with the number still growing), i immediately shut off the wifi. didin't even want to read the msges. even while back in chiangmai with the free wifi, i refused to click on the email sync button on my phone. 

as mentioned earlier, i wanted to go on the mission trip this year because i had to.  i needed this kind of gap to realign myself. earlier this year, with all the... heart issues, new job, trngs and everything, i didn't like how i was growing and learning. i didn't know how to adjust, how to keep focus and let God take control again. i just didn't have peace. couldnt. 

as i'm blogging now, the 2nd half of the team is up in the mountains, braving the cold. i've used up all my leave and even added on 3 no-pay leave just for the trip. on the last day of the trip, i was really hoping that the airport would close/ my flight got cancelled/ or i get off-loaded or something. i just didn't want to come back. so when i was on the plane, i was really really :( . but i sat at seat 17E. so i was able to see the right wing and noticed that one of the static wick didn't look normal. hahas. so upon landing i told the airstewardess who told the capt to write in the techlog. hahas. feeling a sense of achievement. but whatever.

now that i'm back, i just hope that i dont fall back to where i was. of course, there's probably the so many things that i've not settled. and i guess i have to accept that some of the things can never really be settled right. i want to be back on my positive track now. i want to continue to make the best out of my life and really, if there's anyone who tells me that its naive thinking, i really have no reason to be embarrassed / ashamed or anything.

didn't take much naturally natgeo shots of the kids though.. this year was doing alot more logistics, comms, medical and other stuff. didnt have much time to play with the kids. ):

yea, and i've also learnt that i'm realllyyyyy not looking foward to be back at work tmr. this is probably clear enough for me to take further actions wrt my life and job. i needa change sooooooon!

lastly, i miss boon tong badly. he's my most fav thai friend cum driver cum bao-ka-liao. he's a guy with a big heart and always does things for the team behind the scene. was able to spend more time with him and work together with him as i was doing quite alot of the adult work this year. quite sad that he cant really speak english and neither can i speak thai. so keeping in touch with him will be a challenge. 

:) pit stop at Mae Suai dam for lunch.

sigh. i'm still whinning about work even if it means to be whinning at myself. came home last night, glad to see mother poon. in the 2wks of not being at home, (thank God) that she was staying with the kids at sembawang coz their father was overseas. so she wasnt in a lonely position. but, she's going over again for this wk. :(  ugh. 

so many things to catch up with! 

i dun want to come back. 

jia lat. just realized that my plan to go downstairs to start my bike didn't happen. ("_") heard that it has been raining and sparky has been in the rain, uncovered. good luck to me tmr mornggg. better wake up extra early.

GO.

(this is not a tumblr photo leh! its a photo taken in 2011!)

hihi

public notice: will be away from 24th Nov - 7th Dec.

i will be uncontactable due to the limited coverage. 

however, if there's anything urgent, pls sms me and i'll get back to u as soon as i can.

meanwhile, enjoy the time w/o my presence in singapore. HAHAS. 

its been awhile since i've blogged at an unearthly time.
i just packedddd, bathed, clearing up last min documents while waiting for my hair to dry.


actually there's more stuff.
but i'm glad to be able to fit everything into my bag.
its been 2 yrs since i've gone for this trip, and realized as i grow older, i needa bring more stuff. i see myself packing in things like wet wipes, moisturizer, brush (yea, i never bring a brush along when i'm overseas)... ahhas.
15x comfy disposable undies takes a significant amount of space and if i'm a boy, i think i'll have lesser materials to bring. hahas. but, THANK GOD that my monthly friend is not gonna attack me during these 2 wks. acutally, almost man. but it came late the last round so.. :D. ok. too much details. but :D.
also, since i'm super 0-tolerance to cold, i've brought extra extra jacket. i think in total, 4 jackets, and 3 underlayer long sleeves. out of the 4 jacktets, 2 is the can tahan cold kind.
also thank God for my investment in a good sleeping back 4 yrs back. bought it at army market at a sale price and i rmbr getting hit during the 2007 trip when the temp hit 5 deg in the wee hours of the morng while we're up in the mountains.... woke up in shock coz i couldnt feel my fingers and feet.. so with my new sleeping back in dec 2011, things were much better.

hahas. the usual 4 baggage. 1 day pack, my trusty guit, 1 camera equip stuff, 1 big checkin bag.
took me a while to figure how to stuff in all the medical supplies, empty med bottles and team stuff. well done!
when i was 17, i went up chiang mai alone with all these can! it looked so overwhelming that i've got about 3 ppl asking me if i needed help from singapore all the way to the airport there while i waited for the team driver to come pick me. hahas. really #achievementunlock.

time seems to fly again.
may this be a good trip coz i know it will.

taking silkair flight tmr coz its the cheapest only flight to go chiang mai! good to have airplane food foc (i mean its pre-paid rightt. hahas)  hahas. i guess i'd be noting all the ground handling procedures, security checks and cabin interior quality. ahhahas. #occupationalhazard. but looking forward to (FINALLY) being able to fly in an airplane after being socloseyetsofar during work. ahhas.

whokays.
bye to social media, work and all the current world stuff.
looking forward to limited technology where i can't be contacted. hahas.
may this also be an opportunity to be renewed, refreshed and get my life back into perspective again.

Isaiah 55: 8-12

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

“As the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

 As the rain and the snow

    come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

    without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

    It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

You will go out in joy

    and be led forth in peace;

the mountains and hills

    will burst into song before you,

and all the trees of the field

    will clap their hands.

the 10th

10 yrs ago, u left me in the wee hours of the morning.


i clearly remember the cold dark waiting area outside the ICU unit. i rmbr how beat mother poon was. probably as lifeless as u were. i still rmbr lying on the couch, look up at the dimly lit ceiling. i still rmbr that very random dragonfly that somehow managed to sneek into the hospital.

i still rmbr how, like in the movies, as motionless as you could be, your tears just rolled down from the corner of your eye when mother poon told you to 'let go'.
and then you left.
after that, all was blur.


then it was a period of notacceptingthereality until a few months later when it became clear that u've left my world.


i still rmbr the days leading up to ur fall.
I was having my sch hols and u’re up and about, trying to finish painting the toilet pipes, saying thay “u didnt have much time left”. I rmbr scolding u on that morng, coz at 7am on a sat, u were like calling everyone on ur phonebook just to speak to them for no apparent reason. U fixed up my sis’ sound system in her room rather quickly, while I complained “where’s mine”. U said that u’ll install them for me soon, and even a better system… but I guess I’d have to do it on my own now. Whatever it is, I miss u.

*bg song: Avril lavigne’s “when u’re gooonnnee.. the pieces of my heart are missing you.*



u've left sucha a deep void that no one in this world can fill. sometimes when i do feel that emptiness, there's really nothing that i can do to just fill up that void. i need you as much as i dont think i do.
honestly, idk why it hasn't been easy to let go after all these years. i mean yea, u're my dad and stuff, but 1 decade later, i still crave for that complete family of 4.
4 to a square dining table is always perfect.
4 in a taxi.
4 on a holiday.
everything was just complete.

i dont exactly know how much u mean to me, but i just can't settle in a world w/o you. 

for these 10 yrs, it hasn't really been the same. though i've grown 10 yrs older, but the feelings are still unchanged. the thoughts are still there. i miss the love. i miss the sounds. i miss you so bad.

especially this year.

anyways.all the while, i used to think that my family's probably quite well-to-do coz during ur honeymoon, you could fly to london/ny with mother poon. and when i was in p4, i rmbr that u brought us all to new zealand for a hol.

but just last wk, i realized, it was all a facade!

hahas.

the airtickets are all FOC from SIA. not sure about tickets for my sis and i.... and according to mother poon, during ur honeymoney, u guys stayed at some distant relative's place. so basically, ur cost were just on food! so yea. coz now i'm working and all, with a good view of how people are earning their money and how families are working hard to support each other, i started thinking more about our family. i mean, u're just a tech. though u're a senior tech who's like the pioneers of SIA and then SIAEC, i dont think u'd be getting alot even with lotsa OTs. but yea, i rmbr that u're really a simple guy.sometimes i think i (unfortunately) get my fashion sense form u. u never cared about ur dressing. ur sleeping shirt is the same as ur going out shirt. mother poon's always the one who had to dress u up properly, even if its just going to tampines mall for dinner.

anyways, it would realllyyy be great if u're still around. i can forsee that u'd be boosting to all ur colleagues this daughter u've got. though its nothing to be proud of, but i guess like mother poon, u're very supportive of whatever i did. 

this is sucha bad i-miss-you state.

there's nothing i can really do to eradicate that 'i want you beside me' feeling.

and i guess the only probable way is to go to sleep and sleep it off, for tomorrow is a new day.

just for you, i'll work hard tomorrow. 

i'll try and finish up all the work before i leave for thailand. 

pls continue to prompt ur old friends to help me out, thanks man. 

SIGH.

stretched horizon

as the departure date draw near, i feel the pull. the stretched.

at one point of time, i realized that i was needed at 4 places at 1 time.

and it became very stressful for me.

there's actually lotsa thought processes that i wanna share out loud, but i'm pretty spent and i wanna crash.

anyways.

(can u spot the plane banking right on the left of the photo?)

Aviation Run yesterday.

5k of non-scenic road run,

also the event to form the largest human plane to enter the book of records.

meet some of my collegues. hahas.

this is more or less the group of ppl i work with.

bahhahhaa. 

the left 2 are the super experienced ex-engineers who have been vps in ec. long history. also friends of my dad's.

tried to hide behind the square.

spent time with the moon today. 

my bike's been stalling. idk if its the sparkplug or the clutch cable. but if i'd told you that my clutch cable needs tightening, i think u wouldn't believe. hahas!

anyways, yea. the biting point is almost near full clutch in. each time i make a turn after dropping the gear, it feels that its gonna die out. 

got stuck for 15mins, but eventually managed to kick start it back to life after choking it. hahas. (use that statement in human context would sound brutal huh.)

been sacrificing alot of rugby / trngs for work stuff and church trngs. so tough. 

and today, i felt that the only link has been cut out. :(

but...... (after using amazing phone apps to edit:)

triple trouble.

Indispensible

Quote of the day: "dont ever think you're indispensible".

during a h2h talk today in the office, someone told me that today.
usually, such a generically negative statement would put u off right.
but it's one of those rare moments that my response was immediately positive when faced with a constructive criticism.

usually, the first reaction to a criticism would be - defense, and then think through later and then understand and digest. this time, it was almost surprising that i was instantly positive about it.
'decisions' is always the hot topic.

sometimes, its good to be selfish once in a while. to be selfish, not because of putting oneself before others, but its more so that you limit the range of choices that's give to urself. you dont go think about what's good for others, how to make life easier for others at the expense of urself.
its always that fine line for trying to find that balance, and hopefully, a stable platform to just balance on.

Recently, watched NatGeo's brain games.. the episode is about brain games.very interesting show and i think everyone, especially marketers / decision makers should watch it. ok. here it goes...
supposedly there's 2 icecream stalls. 1 sells 3 flavours - vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, the other sells like 16 flavours of all kinds. supposedly u buy the chocolate-flavoured one from the 3-flavoured stall vs having bought a chocolate-flavoured one from the multi-flavoured one. u'd probably feel more satisfied with the 3 flavoured one as compared to the other one. chances of u feeling regretful of the opportunity costs lost would be great enough to cause a bit of a disatisfaction.
that's how true in life right.

sometimes we think so much that we loose the essence of stuff. we let the 'unnecessary' cloud the 'what's important' to us.


its been 6mths at where i am now. the road ahead's looking good but one can never be that sure in life right. recently, there's some... knocks elsewhere and i guess i shouldn't be overly thinking. his advice is to just take one step at a time. on an on.. we're talking like about life issues for about 45mins in the office though we both have got 10,000 things on hand.


business vs engineering.
yourself vs family.



it has been the topic for too long. start to loose its essence, but somehow, still able to realize that i still love the commercial widebodies and i just wanna be part of them.

of course, have spoken to both sides of the management that i'm tied with, leaving me at the fork of the road.... and the only neutral one left is the $ manager. i think its quite interesting how we could talk so openly today and i thank God alot for that. he's also a 过来人, and probably understands the situation that i'm in now. coz in the office, i dun have anyone of the blue i can talk to.  i give up talking to my collegue partner coz he's always negative, never thinking, never hoping, never aiming. in all honesty, talking to him is a waste of breath coz no matter the case, he's first reaction is to have a reverse ideology of what u have. good and bad.
bad because sometimes, he's too stubborn about it - immediate defenses; and even though i'm just trying to share with him, he doesn't appreciate it. good because he challenges me to further prove my point and ensure that my stand is firm. hahas. that's how positive i have to be ok. so many things i just cannot agree with him and it just makes my life abit more tougher at work. always late. never plans. always with excuses reasons. but ok la... at least out of the working frame, he's a nice harmless nice guy who's very lame. so that's not so bad after all.



oh yea, quite interesting. my boss gave me a pen today after a meeting! and with the pen, i trotted by the next office of the $ boss' and guess what, he gave me this SIAEC yearly planner for 2014! how cool is that! its really very nice man, not just the book but the thought of giving it to me! it just felt very rewarding after a (yet another) tough week.  all the seconded uncles in my company.. so much experiences, so much warmth and love, just want to thank them alot. and also, its not like they're the kind who would give in to me or what, but in fact, sometimes i wanna kill them of how they 'train' me to get the ropes fast. hahas. but no doubt, very blessed.

also, my 2 fav hr ladies gave me their home-made little cheesecake and chocolates. :D
i think the amount of gifts received today (all for no apparent reason) is more than my 2 yrs worth of bday presents. ahhas.




but ok. really thank God for this week.. i think i've managed abit well, but today was just too much workload. last to leave the office at 10.45pm. that's almost a 14hr work and i'm working again at 8am. skipped family dinner, skipped trng, skipped my social life. i'm just surprise that i can still... do it. hahas.
suck it up man.  but really. departure's in about a wk.. and i'm just trying to clear me endless piling up work. but thank God that all my leaves are approved today.


anyway. today, i saw an Antonov beside the usual bay of my air hk plane. took alot of me to not share with u my excitment.. but i've noted down the a/c reg and went to airliner.net and sought some awesome photos of it. didn't know antonov had this small size one... saw the hugeass one on discovery channel before.

beside it was also a virgin australia plane that i've never seen before.
couldn't see the reg no. coz the antonov was just too eye catching.

but it was pretty coz it looked like a christmas pressent, with silver patterns on the white body. and guess what! the tail has got stars on it! so pretty!


so yup.
meetings after meetings.
gifts after gifts.
planes after planes..



thats how i spent my day today.
upset that i had to miss trng, but thankful for all the little things.


hope u're somehow thankful for everything too.