2025, Mid-life Crisis

Big plans for 2025 didn't happen. So here i am now, literally sitting in the same office, night shift, trying to reflect on what has happened or rather, what didn't happen haha. TLDR first, I didn't really like how this year went. I dont like how I am now, so next year, I'm embarking on a deeper search. Before that, lets go through some highlights for 2025, also checking in with the goals i've set for last year. Hopefully this is more or less in a chrono order.

• SG60 everything
• Dec Fund to Hanoi
• finally bought my macbook
• Summitted Kilimanjaro despite MCL injury. 5895m bro.
• Still love the mountains, but 6000m (really) scares me after that. almost PTSD.
• did a safari tour after that! had like full on Nat Geo experience
• Got accepted to AFE. (Big decision. still sitting on it.)
• Brought mother poon to Chengdu & Chong Qing
• Finally completed AFTA QT and auto SV1. super enjoyed live SIM.
• had a short Batam trip with Delta ppl
• SAFVC Milestone Parade coz its our 10th yr Anniversary!
• went on office hours for 3 months to help with something
• joined the mechanical keyboard hype. the THOCK.
• did my AFTA AT in June. first time at safti city!
• went to SAFTI MI for SAF Day! what a proud moment
• brought mother poon to Batam
• had a suspected slip disc scare. but all's good
• last min plan to go for a 7-day off road bike trip in the Himalayas!!!
• first off-road for me
• 10days in Ladakh, and we rode up to the highest motorable pass in the world, Uming La at 5800m
• had a fall. tore many ligaments of my R ankle. didn't think it was bad so;
• went to Japan for Mt Fuji Semula. 
• didnt summit Mt Fuji, or rather, didn't even managed to get there. Typhoon on the day hike and road closure so the start of the trail was inacessible. went Kamikochi!
• blessing in disguise coz when i came back, saw the doc, did the MRI and that's when we found out that it wasn't just an ankle sprain but the high one.
• Rode to Melaka with Roy for derrick's wedding
• Finally wore my peranakan kebaya (the jacket only coz i could no longer fit the sarong lol.
• gain 5kg for the year atm
• short staycay to JB with mother poon & sis
• AFTA now called TACTA. did 1 wk of deployment as the next week was;
• Womens Boot Camp! P2S5!
• brought mother poon to oceanarium and saw my ex's whole family there. happy to see them tho. the kids all so big now
• passed the interview for SAFVC AE & dual role. but due to other factors, unable to attend the trng :( :( :( :(
• did not get a new bike
• drank even more coffee this year
• built an APST Resource Portal. my one-stop centre to organize all my frustrations at work
• didnt manage to sort out my arm injury. feels like it gets better on some days but false
• cardio definitely went down
• still no money in OA to buy house (wth right!) still suffering from the effects of the past 8 yrs with that 2.4k pay though i super miss my collegues
• definitely less OCD this yr. learning to let go more

ok. the biggest highlight is definitely riding in the Himalayas. I think it was pretty life changing. the other life-changing event was Kili. hahaha summit day really killed the hiker in me. I think it really questioned my plans to climb 6000m mountains for the experience. i'm not into counting summits or what, but things changes at 6000m. I'm not for the risks and all, but i'd really like to try some ice climbing. the 2am summit push at an exposed 5700m altitude with "kind weather" at -15 deg was really really tough. My body has never felt so 'out of body' experience b4. My legs gave way. My mental was stronger than my physical, but the legs just couldn't carry. Enjoyed the times with my guide Enock. Missed Nepal. Missed Bale, his wife and Dill haha. Nepal is now a luxury. But Kili taught me alot. If i'm really gg into more serious mountaineering, i can't just rely on my fitness foundations or like last min runs and intervals - i need more specific trainings. I went to read up about brown fat that helps to generate body heat. I feel like i want to focus building that while keeping my weight optimum. Wouldn't want to be too heavy coz its just unnecessary load, but dun wanna be too light and helpless with the strong winds.

so yea. I love the mountains so much but through Ladakh, I realized that riding through the Himalayas is even more exhilarating, efficient, and just effortless pure fun. Through the year, I was battling mid career crisis. The plan was to leave my current company coz i really just can't stand it. I got accepted as an AFE, super tempted to sign on. The main consideration was bringing mother poon for long travel. Now she still can walk, so its like, i dont wanna waste any opportunity to bring her see the world. when she can't walk much, then i'll bring her to countries that's better fit for driving. now i'm just bringing her to places with good public transport, shopping and sightseeing that requires walking. 2nd main consideration is pay. I can't be accepting a fresh grad pay. I mean like, they're trying to recruit mid-careers, buy offering fresh grad pay coz "you got no military experience". i mean like bro, how do one get military exp when u're not in the military since woman can't do NS other than signing on. Its really sad, and for the ME scheme, there's no sign on bonus as well? idk. Francis pulled me out of shift team to help him with some stuff. so for 3 months, i was in office hours. i didn't enjoy it, but i'm glad i managed to get alot of things that i wanted to do for APST done. it wasn't easy coz of the politics and stupid things ppl say at work due to insecurities and selfishness, but whatever. I learnt alot. not about work, but the importance of trying to poker face and say nice things that ppl wanna hear. i've made alot of enemies by being blunt and straight forward, but i think this year, i finally truly accept that we cannot be all honest at work and in life coz not everyone appreciates honesty. had this big work misunderstanding, but its difficult to even be heard when u're labelled with judgement and bad rumours which are untrue. but its ok coz it is what it is right. dont even want to talk about work now.

my blogging sucks now. my mind is really in a whirlpool of mess. i can't even organize this post by segregating my life in paragraphs, so i'm sorry for this bad flow of literation. my english is also failing me this yr coz i just give up in explaining myself clearly. ppl misunderstands me whether i say anything or not coz this place is just toxic. but ok, Kili and Ladakh gave me alot of time to think through things. I'm really leaning towards signing on still, but i still need the money to live life better ahead. so now, i'm just going for the money. passion can't pay. and i really dont like how I am rn towards work and life. i no longer look foward to going to work. being in airside becomes difficult coz i love this place, but at the same time, i finally feel out of place? I feel like can't do the things i wanna do to make it a better and even safer environment. i mean, its very safe we are doing the all the hardwork (let me just put in that disclaimer), i but i know i can do better and do more. idk. it just makes me want to give up aviation entirely. probably a reckless thought, but really, my mind's and well being is in a wreck rn. 

health wise, its wierd. its like there's this force to make me a 犯太岁 believer. for the first half of the year, i've been on/off sick. its not those small cough and flu kind, but like massive in and out fever episodes. fever can go up to like 40 degs kind. its like this virus infection that can never be dissolved.  there's once i buay tahan went to see doc halfway at work. then the doc made me take a covid test and all, paid much money but obviously no finding. requested for a viral blood test thing but the doc didnt care. one of the last few polyclinic visit suggested for that viral blood test, i went down but went away coz the queue was too long and i was so uncomfortable and suffering so i just wanted to go home and zzz and i did just that. i think its sometime june that i felt like everything more or less stabilized? but its like, after the mcl, then there's this suspected slip disc and finally the ankle sprain. well, i'm glad that at least my ankle is still intact. but overall, thank God for keeping me safe and sound. 'sound' just sounds right coz my mental sanity is also still intact.

lol not even talking about love life coz idc.

i miss my ex but he's not interested.

i enjoy being single.

i want a kid but dont want a husband.

sad that mother poon can't be grandma. I mean like, i think i can be single mom coz mother poon loves to take care of kids and esp if she can be a legit grandma for real. but the policies in sg dont work like this and i'm still very much asian inside. but with all the activities gg on in my life, there's no time to be emo. i mean there's still the days i super miss you, but what's the point right. accept it, heard a emo song or 2, then just chuck it away. its gonna come back and haunt again anyway so i'm not gg to resist it, just gonna manage it then move on. but definitely dont wanna give any opportunities to hurt so badly again.

supposedly wanted to set some SMART goals, but i guess i'm just gg to list the things i want to do next yr:

• already planning to bring mother poon to Switzerland. gonna be the biggest fam trip and finally out of ASIA.
• do my first solo trip (like finally). planning to train up China and fly back via Hanoi to restock some stuff
• find myself
• I wanna to do more aviation investigative work. can't change dept so i'm gonna change co;
• a higher paying job will have to supersede passionatwork
• if i'm still here, i would really like to spend less mental RAM on work, learn to give up and let go to find peace at work all over again
• do a road trip in Iceland. I want to see the Northern Lights and they say this yr sept is gonna be the best / high chance. need all the luck with mountains and adventures.
• be physically operational by May. doc say can only run in April. pretty crazy, but i'm gonna be disciplined to expedite it safe and well.
• gonna come back stronger
• strengthen back muscles and core
• improve cardio and overall fitness
• training to get brown fats
• back into climbing
• should i get a diving cert? probably try jio sis lol
• get a bike for touring
• go for solo bike camping trips
• hopefully able to go for another riding trip in the India again (pending schedule)
• i still wanna buy a house for retirement
• omg i need to seriously pack my room and clothes cupboard
• major overhaul my room.
• i'm gg to decommission myself as a hoarder and throw everything useless away.
• sentimental value is no value. i.am.heartless
• reorganize and back up all my media stuff into my harddrives coz everything is running out of space
• some KIV things coz of time / work / injuries (probably in the next few yrs):
• Nepal: Island Peak / Merak Peak
• TMB Hike (Tour du Mont Blanc) Its about a 180km circuit through 3 countries
• hello Mt Fuji. (lol. 3rd's a charm right)
• there's some Jap muli-day hikes i wanna do
• rent a car with a tent on top and camp in Japan
• wanted to solo ride in japan but rental is gonna be more ex than my plane tickets 
• i wanna try snowboarding
• wanna do a hyrox but i feel like its for the hype? probably need to try crossfit to uds this.
• i wanna say be a kinder person as i was in the past, but i'm not too sure about this coz it hurts
• be myself and be proud of it

definitely not the best year, but not a tough year too. i've been through 2016 2017, so this is ok. still thankful I managed to travel. still glad that mother poon is able to walk. happy that she is healthy hope she can get stronger and fight through aging. I really want to be happy coz its time i focus on myself and start being selfish for myself. i wanna learn to relearn. i want to rely more on God and less on me. nonetheless, still thankful that 2025 happened. its weird also coz as I'm looking forward to 2026 for a year of change and renewal, i'm not as excited. I probably just want some peace and to enjoy life the way it is.