hi, my name is 마리안.
haha. wait, let me explain later.
haha. lol. ok. FYP presentation last thurs went really well.
in my life, i've never practiced for a presentation so seriously before. last time poly days, chiong report, and finish ppt slides like 10mins b4 presentation and then go in straight for presentaion with full on business attire infront of real-industry clients.
this time its not as 'scary', but i guess coz of my expectations, i unnecessarily added all the fears.
but really thank God for kind hearts. both my examiner and supervisor were really kind and gave good comments about my project. it really made me feel better about my project. though my project was applicable and able to solve some operational challenges, i felt like it lacked engineering depth. like i could do more. but over 2 sems, its not really possible. i think to sum up my project, i think its a good marketing project, and not a great engineering project
but yea, i'm very insecure when if comes to face-timing ppl. i've never done it with anyone other than with k1 when i was in montreal. so far for this CB period, i have also never vid call my face anyone much other than my sch mates while we're testing out zoom functions for the presentation. but seeing my capstone spvsr and my ex-bosses whom i invited got me excited and i didn't focus on my insecurities. i'm so happy tt they turned up to support me coz they're also aware of the ops issues at work and interested to see what i've got. i'm really very blessed. as u'd know, i hated my office job though it wasnt 100% deskbound. but what made the whole period so worthwhile was that i had good bosses and colleagues. i can't be more thankful than that esp it was my first left job after grad that time. i do miss them. but yea, hating my job > loving my colleagues and hence switched to a job that's job > pay. ok we'll leave this topic for the next time. ANYWAYS........
so then again, what makes a successful project?
maybe coz of my marketing roots, i feel like a project, whatever the subject, can only be good only if it is being marketed well. hahhas (i can feel all my poly lecturers cheering loudly to that.)
its like, if u have a great engineering idea, but u fail to meet the needs and demands nor create the latter, i think it's still useless. i mean if we're harsh enough to only focus on the results and not talk about learning journey and cliche stuff like that..... so in another words, i was really focusing on the results of my project. no doubt i did learn like mad esp about the programming part, but really, what's worth? the world really runs on needs and wants. that's why i think aviation is best. like if u know how a commercial aircaft really works; down to the rationale of how/why each component is being built, u'll really be amazed by how efficient it is. and here comes the irony again, the more efficient the component is, the more expensive it is even though if its a simple design.
i feel like life is just full or ironies.
during my sec sch time, the 'better' students all went to biz sch while those who didn't score that well goes to engineering sch.
scoring high GPAs in poly was easier for engrg students than biz students.
and and when it comes to uni level, its so easy to get a business degree, but its really takes my blood and sweat to complete an engineering degree.
its like, anyone can get an MBA if they want to. but for a Engineer masters.. its really like ... can u or not?
then now, when it comes to work, at the lower level, engineers earn much more than those executives. but at the higher mgmt level, business ppl earns more overall.
i really dont like how all this economy work. ungrateful or what, but maybe i prefer to be in a communist country. i dun think i wanna elaborate on this, not because its a sensitive topic, but just coz it's not worth my time. but hor, that's y i love Singapore. i feel like we wanna be both. we want to be communist, but we want to be democratic. we want to have rules, but we also want to be flexible. to even try and sum it up, we're just kiasee and kiasu. and i think that's the best spirit to surive and thrive.
ok anyway, idk wth i'm talking about now. its sooo off my topic.
so yea, my title is my name in korean.
so after my final final final sch submission, i studdent feel that blank space in life.
i mean its not like dun have things to do. as mentioned in the last post, i have a long list.
but u know, all these years, my mind always had something. as in like, there's always an obligation to catch. one of the secret reason of doing this painful 2nd degree in 2016, it is to keep my mind occupied. back then in 2014, i was on my 7th year of not moving on my first r/s. i wasn't super heatbroken or anything, but i felt like all these emotional mental thoughts should be channeled into something more productive. and i guess studying can also block out all those useless thoughts
so now, its 2020 alrdy. alot has changed mentally. i spent the prime of my youth studying instead of chionging my career and climb whatever ladder just to earn more money. sometimes i wanna say a regret, but in life, i never really can justify a feeling of regret coz i know in life, i am constantly giving my best whenever i can.
so yea. it's this blank space now.
no, its not an empty bottomless pit that i would have called it back then.
i dun think i should think about masters coz i know i'd wanna do it. but now, i should respect my youth abit more because the mountains have been calling.
its Saturday today, 3 days past. and other than working, i've just been watching korean dramas and cooking my meals and laze around. i dont think its a life that i'd like to get used to.
oh. there's one thing. i'm back in main shift at work. FINALLY. so nobody can throw the 'you study shift what' excuse. HAH. #inyourfacebitches. ahahha. just needed to get that out.
and other than that, i'm happy like now, i can work more freely. as in like, i dont have to worry about trying to conserve energy so that i have enough energy to go to sch or go and study.
idk how to describe this feeling, but its like, i can finally just give all out and like, enjoy my work like that. although now i'm really starting to detest my pay sourly, i'm just embracing every moment though now, coz of COVID-19, the work scope has changed. ;( all these preservation work and very little component changes just makes me ugghhhhhhhh. but ok, at least no emails. hah.
ok so yea. sorry for sidetrackking abit.
other than writing my resume here and there, i'm learning korean online. ahhahs
no serious reason to that. i just want to watch my korean dramas more effectively. and once i can like understand it, i can like watch a korean drama while doing something other than reading the subtitles. ahhahs
but to end off well again, i can really feel myself getting better. i think i'm referring to my mental state. i'm not saying i'm indestructible, but i feel like instead of building all these walls and fences, i'm not building them anymore. ok wait, let me clarify that. the walls are still there, but i've stopped building them. yea. it makes a difference if u really scrutinize it metaphorically. i'm really happy right now. as in, i feel that carefree-ness. in life, i dont think anyone can forget anyone for good and bad; neither can i say that i dont miss anyway. occasionally, i still think of the special persons that have come and go. i still think abt ur graduations. like how are u doing in life. what are the exciting plans u have ahead. but those are just passing thoughts and they are no longer trade-offs to my happy thoughts. i can now say that all those thoughts and memories dont haunt me as much as a did now.
perhaps coz now i'm just flooded with the joy of finishing sch that i dont dwell on the negative thoughts, but hope that this mindset will be like this.
other than all these personal growth, i want to give back to the sch. not really to the organization kinda thing, but i wanna help year 1s and 2s. not in any personal way, but i hope lost students can be smarter in their subject selections each sem. i hope that they can meet like-minded ppl throughout their studying like how i got my studying squad fighting tgr with me.
maybe over the next few days, i can spend some time thinking about how the BEHAS course structure can be improved and how the sch systems can be revised to help students cope with working and studying at the same time.
lastly, all in all, instead of just moving on from my past, i can finally sail into improving myself as a better person. i thank God for carrying me through those darkest times. i will never forget how God can 'appear' or rather, have His presence felt even though when i'm so so distant with a heat that's not just right in any place. i hope more ppl can know and believe this faith. i'm not very strong with Biblical stuff, but that's the thing about this 'religion'. u know, some ppl always say like 'christian is not a religion' and then all the anti-christians will be like 'oh yea right'. but to me ah, really, i like how 'unreligionly' i can feel about my walk with God. its always peaceful to know that God loves me no matter what. dont get me wrong, i'm not like ungrateful or taking things for granted... maybe i just hope that more ppl can know 'the God' as how i know my God.
haha guess i'll be blogging more often?
so many things to say. so many good and bad things to share but i dun have anyone to share with. no, not complaining. actually more happy than feeling the loneliness that should tie in with being alone. just thankful and grateful. despite COVID-19 and no Nepal this year, i still know that 2020 is gg to be a good year after all these years. :)
Sunday, May 31, 2020
Friday, May 22, 2020
LAST PAPER
today's the LAST PAPER of this 5 arduous years of this work-study routine.
idk if it's too premature to be xiao celebrating abit, but YASS.
i'm actually filled with alot of emotions right now though i have 1 more fyp presentation next week till i totally finish all the sch stuff before the release of examination results.
its been awhile since i blogged because i'm happy.
looking at the trashy past posts, it makes my life so dark, which it was.
this 5 yrs, i've really sacrificed alot, but i wanna share what's on my immediate mind now.
first, i want to thank the grp of sch friends. i didnt think i would make any friends in sch, since this deg is supposedly catered to working adults who would be busy ppl. the demands of the curriculum proved otherwise. i mean, there are people who are not working and also struggle with graduating. the grp of friends which i should name are ant, tim, des, andrew and in the later part of the years, paul, yy, kaileng, shirlynn and wilson. i honestly thought i could do this on my own. but really, no. we all worked as a team, and trusted each other. i mean like, everyone tries their best and no on really leeches on each other and i think its a wonderful grp to be working tgr. so in a way, everyone learns alot more together and being engineering, everyone's mostly black and white. no grey areas. hahahs we do argue over workings and stuff like that, but i'm glad everything happened. ahhahs. i hope that everyone in the sch could be like this coz this aerospace deg is really mad tough. i mean like, i dont wanna discredit other degree programmes coz other than taking a business one, idk whats gg on in other programme. but really.
i guess also coz in year 2 / 3, the gg was going for the autonomous and 'local uni' status, trying to break free from UniSIM to SUSS. the lecturers were all changing the syllabus, making exam papers harder and we really felt their efforts. some of the exam qns really cant do. the qns were really to freaking test ur understanding and application. in a good way, because it was so hard, everyone can't do, so nobody fail coz the sch had to moderate it. i rmbr for the legendary EAS309 Aerodynamics module. hahas. i counted like i could only get 37/100 if i'm lenient to give myself 1 mark for formula and a few follow-through method marks. i was confident that i would fail it. in the end, i got a B. LOL. that's how much they had to moderate. so the legendary lecturer says "no on fails my exam. you only fail yourself when u dont turn up for the paper"- TJK. hahhahhahahahas. (when we asked him if the paper would be difficult). look how right he is. hahahahs.
but yea, i'm proud to say i'm one of the students who lived through this status change, also for my BEHAS course to attain the Engineering Accreditation by EAB and IES. (ok i googled the latter. can't rmbr whats the engrg stunt for also. ahhahas)
to try and do a comparision, for my marketing deg, i can just study 1 week b4 exam week and no problem. easily manged a B with fluff. but for this engineering deg ah, wah lau. cannot smoke. cannot fluff. if u really duno how to do the q, the most u can do is just throw in some formula and hope for the best and moderation. i really struggled so much and even after feeling good about some papers, i dare not aim for an A. and for most of the papers, i started studying damn hard and focusing on the exams 3.5 weeks before coz that's when we're mostly done with the quizzies, lab reports and TMAs.
there were some mgmt modules in this programme and i'm proud to say i got A for of them. for most of the TMAs, i'm also one of the top few. sorry, just had to brag coz i really put in alot of effort and all those report writing in my poly / uni days really helped.
so yea. i wasnt doing well in yr 1 and 2 on my own. mostly Bs and Cs. but with the friends made in yr 2 onwards, i was mostly getting As and Bs...
2ndly, i guess i wanna thank my collegues.
most of the ppl at work dont like ppl who are studying because of the 'study shift' which initially means to change from MM1EN to MMNN. pattern. after the company changed the shift timings, our 'study shift' timings couldn't change to coming in 2.5h earlier for night shifts coz we end classes at 10pm. so most of the guys were unhappy. so yea, through the 5 yrs, alof of ppl didnt like me. the spvrs and some ppl tried to get me out of their dept / team and all. basically there were alot of judgement and scrutiny. this 'study shift' thing came about alse because of me. i was the one who fight for it 4 yrs ago. in a way, its a win-win situation coz its always the M and especially N shift that needed more men. but well. no one sees it this way because 1. people are selfish. 2. an insecure company always think that the employees are always out there to take advantage of the system.
so for my first yr of studies, it was alot of time-offs and then paying back on offdays, which means 0 overtime. the mgmt wanted it, but HR couldn't deal with the paperwork and it was alot of operational concerns in the end because it was very disruptive when it comes to tool prep, accountability and stuff like that. and yea, there's aaaaaallllottt going on everywhere in which i dont think i should mention here. so all in all, after 10000 yrs, the company finally had a study shift. of course many guys weren't too happy about it because some of them wanted to study when they're much younger because, let's just say 'operational demands' hold the key excuse to every single bloody thing.
so anyway, because of this 'study shift', many ppl started studying legitly and this makes me really happy. at least i could do something for the guys around me. there's gotta be haters, but then again, why didnt u fight for it? i didn't just fight and get what i wanted u know. i had to draft out stuff, make plans, showed my plans, showed how things could also benefit operationally and all. that mgmt guy wasn't too happy because of all the residing politics, but if u wanna change for the better, u gotta change. at this point in time, like i mean, after 5 yrs, i've grown out of the haters. there are days where i literally cry when i ride home from work because of the nasty things ppl say to me or from what ppl tell me whether true or not, but at the end of the day, look at the progress. look at how many guys can finally get their diplomas after working for 10 over yrs in the company.
i'm really proud of it you know. some of them have like 3 kids and all, and willing to go through 2 more yrs of work-study just for that earlier increment because any qualification that is higher from the last in which u used it to enter to company, allows u for a jump in technical grade, which transcends to a small monthy increment which is a multiplier effect if you do overtime.
when i was in the mgmt, i didn't think overtime was a big deal. i often wondered why those ground workers argue and fight over doing OT. to me (at that time), no need work overtime good what.
there was once 2 guys came to my office and quarreled infront of me regarding OT. i thought like, wth, y so serious sia. chill. i had to like explain things to them like a caring mother omg. hahaha. now that i'm a ground worker myself, omg. hahahs. this shit is real. its not just 'OT' and the money, but there's so many tied around it. so much emotions, so much anger, so much opportunity costs, so much to lose in all. its all RELATIVE. its such a sensitive thing just because of poor corporate culture and all the shit which i dont want to explain because this is suppose to be a nice post. hahahahas. maybe next time. but for now, let's just say that i've learnt that the valuation of money is really relative. it like, to you, maybe $1 is not alot. but if $1 is the only money that u're accessible to when u want to get from jurong to pasir ris, $1 may be a life-saver.
so yea, thank u for the very few and countable collegues who understood and supported me in any way. to me, by not condemning ppl who study or just diligently doing ur own work and watching out for ur own safety means supporting me in some ways alrdy. so yes, thank you, especially during exam periods.
next, my friends.
firstly, i'm sorry if i dont message / write letters anymore. i realized i've stopped doing them after 2016, which is also the start of sch. thank u for those who stood by me, for those who msged or just kept the distance. i wanna thank 2 ppl who keep popping up in my mind. Amanda (+ sz) and Estee. like amanda who randomly shows up and surprises me and mother poon with bubble tea and cakes and estee who sends me bday cards and all the nice stuff even though she's like 100000km away. i feel so blessed. really. its like, the are really my pillars. ok la, and dickson who occasionally accompanied me to study while he killed time by doing some of his work or watch netflix while i painstaking solved mathematical equations and fourier transforms. hahahs. thanks for the time we had ice cream tgr after my brain was close to overheating for the overdrive. but yea. these are my pillars.
idk if i'm able to survive.
in 2018, k1 left and it killed me inside. 2019 came, and k2 stabbed in further when i was still trying to find myself. i dont hate them, but i find it hard to believe that i'm actually thankful that they came in and walked out from my life just like that. to some extend, i am sorry for myself for trusting them because i thought i could, but both of them taught me so much. there's more gratitude than hatred though both emotions are equally intense when it comes to them. (wah, finally for the first time, i feel like i can write out the emotions almost closely to how i feel about it.) i do hope they are well because i know they're gonna be better off w/o me anyways. hahahs. coincidentally or ironically, these 2 persons are also graduating from their respective schs this year. so some promises like "i will be there for your graduation" are going to be broken - not because i'm not graduating, but either because 1) i am no longer existent in ur life or 2) covid-19 circuit breaker measures. lol. hahahahahs.
there are days where i have subtle intentions of trying to creep into the graduation hall or smth just to take a few photos of u guys coz i know it was a tough time getting through ur respective programmes as well. but one thing k2 taught me was self-worth. i will need to work on loving myself more before i can really love anyone. let me just learn to thrive on that for now.
tbh, i never thought that graduation is a big thing. actually now i also dont think its a big thing coz its just a ceremony for ppl to read out the long list of ppl leaving the sch. its not like u're more impressive because u attended graduation or take photos to have proof of ur graduation. hahas. but because of this particular BEHAS programme, this 5 yrs is worth a celebration of and with the ppl whom u love and who stood by u throughout tough times.
thirdly, my rugby / bowling / climbing circle. i think to some extent, its quite rude to be in and out seasons like that. but really no choice. it was always saving up my leaves for exams. so if i'm not working, i'm studying. i didnt have much time to do anything or have the energy to do it if i wanted to. u know like energy cannot be created or destroyed right. ahhas. so like, if i spent more time and energy in doing activities that i would like to do, it would mean that i have less energy to focus on my studies. the amount of sleep time i am allowed to is probably just enough to survive work and abit of study. so yea, this is what it means by sacrifices. idk how to link this ideology of sacrificing to sacrificing the people you love, but let's just say love is complicated. hahah.
lastly, mother poon. and abit of the sister.
mother poon who' still a full time mother and housewife even though there's no living husband. she still faithfully cooks for me when i can be home for dinner, does the house work, changes my bedsheets and washes my uniform and underwear. on some bad days, we some how would end up retaliating each other with brutal harsh honest words, but then somehow, next day like everything ok. nothing seems to affect us. i really think that's love. we love by actions and not by words. in this world, there is no one who can be like this, that's y i say mother poon is best. we have no manners and that's our manners. idk if its also taking each other for granted, but i dont feel like its that way because we can be who we wanna be, and still love each other without needing any words of validation. its a love so deep that u can't just say oh i love mother poon coz that doesn't justify the depths of it. i dont think anyone (other than my dad also) who have loved me this way.
for my sister, also along the same lines. i guess u can say its a family culture. but tangibly, thank u for printing my reports with crazy submission deadlines. sometimes even trying to get the correct colour tone of the report. ok. if we fight again, i'll rmbr the day u help me print that one final report. haha i still rmbr not sleeping for 2 nights in row and staying up in changi T2 just to complete it. i was super focused. i think got about 100 pages of words, tables, graphs and images. eh, we were given less than a week to complete it after coming back from UK. and ah, i got a 92 for it and i deserve that mark. HAHHAHA.
ok. yea. that's more or less of the things that came to my mind when i submitted the paper.
i didnt think the last paper i did would be at home instead of the memorable freezing examination all. its like, i still have the jitters each time the say 'you may begin'. idk if its a conditional response coz for the first 5 mins of the paper in the exam hall, i'll panicked abit even on some subjects that i'm confident of. i got a feeling its coz of PSLE. hahahs but like today and last week, like not much of a problem. i guess also coz its the first time i only have 1 paper per week. so its like 2 papers in 2 weeks as compared to last time 4 papers 1 week.
whatever it is, i'm so glad its over.
so what's next.
the very first thing on my list in which mother poon has been waiting for about 10 yrs is....
1. clear out my room
its not just about packing it, but clearing it so i can pack it.
2. pack my room
yea. i mean all these after i super complete my fyp uh.
write letters.
Learn korean so to appreciate Korean dramas better.
climb
do scrapbooks
gym more. but for now more calisthenics workout?
TRAVEL OMG. this one. i've waited 5 yrs for NEPAL. but ok, i will wait.
bring mother poon to angmoh country like london.
class 2
class 3 (yea, looks like i'm prioritzing scrapbooking over this hahas)
i want forklift license also
towtug license
sort out dad's toolbox. idk how i'm gg to do this though. maybe not happening. ahhas
recently, i have thoughts like i'm gg to die soon. like i can hear my heartbeat, my breathing and stuff like that. i have dreams of the past unresolved issues with people, but no, i dont have dreams of my dad or ppl who have passed on. but idk. i hope that i dont die soon even i'm saying all these glibberish stuff. u know like those spooky coincidences. hahas yea. okok no. God bless me. pls keep me on this earth at least as long as mother poon is alive. anything after that is fine.
so what's really next?
change job?
idk. i wanna do my masters. but i dare not think about it. its not about not dreaming big, but there's mother poon. there's $. and there's the opportunity costs and sacrifices which i think its not fair to those who love me around me.
u know, k1 and i once argued because he said i was selfish. he said i was selfish to be doing any other degree at the expense of everything and everyone around me because i arldy had a degree and didnt need another one. i felt so shitty coz i mean like, he also studying what. that arguement happened when i was in year 2 and i didnt quite understand it. i thought like wth, can't i just study just coz i wanted to? like what'swrong in wanting to pursue passion. but after 5 yrs and losing him and the time and people around me, yea, i guess i was. and i've also learnt like, u can't justify everything just because of passion or heart.
not everything that does with the heart is fine u know. i think its some hard facts that i still find it hard to swallow, but that's the truth and its one of the bigger lessons i've learnt throughout this journey.
its like, mother poon is getting old. she's still walking fine. but not like can walk 5km non stop kind. there's a limit / time limit to everything and that's why i've always been workign hard and giving my best to everything i do. but i overlooked something. i cannot do my best in everything. as in, i shouldnt be wanting to do so many things coz there's a limit to the amount of time / amount of energy of the people around.
i guess thats why when we're younger, we always hear adults tell us like 'do your best', 'time management', 'work hard'.. .all these simple little advices. but now when i'm older, i do see the tangible expense and value that are tradeoffs. its because that i've given my best in all that i do, the little things always seem to matter and everything becomes a blurr when i can't be focused or motivated. there's so much to really evaluate about it. haha i guess thanks to the academic vigour for this long train of thoughts. probably should write a book.
hahas omg. i've spent about 2hrs typing. sorry i got carried away. thanks for reading if anyone is reading hahahhahs. idc if its just the digital systems accessing these codes, but i'm just thankful for this year and the people who have stayed.
idk if it's too premature to be xiao celebrating abit, but YASS.
i'm actually filled with alot of emotions right now though i have 1 more fyp presentation next week till i totally finish all the sch stuff before the release of examination results.
its been awhile since i blogged because i'm happy.
looking at the trashy past posts, it makes my life so dark, which it was.
this 5 yrs, i've really sacrificed alot, but i wanna share what's on my immediate mind now.
first, i want to thank the grp of sch friends. i didnt think i would make any friends in sch, since this deg is supposedly catered to working adults who would be busy ppl. the demands of the curriculum proved otherwise. i mean, there are people who are not working and also struggle with graduating. the grp of friends which i should name are ant, tim, des, andrew and in the later part of the years, paul, yy, kaileng, shirlynn and wilson. i honestly thought i could do this on my own. but really, no. we all worked as a team, and trusted each other. i mean like, everyone tries their best and no on really leeches on each other and i think its a wonderful grp to be working tgr. so in a way, everyone learns alot more together and being engineering, everyone's mostly black and white. no grey areas. hahahs we do argue over workings and stuff like that, but i'm glad everything happened. ahhahs. i hope that everyone in the sch could be like this coz this aerospace deg is really mad tough. i mean like, i dont wanna discredit other degree programmes coz other than taking a business one, idk whats gg on in other programme. but really.
i guess also coz in year 2 / 3, the gg was going for the autonomous and 'local uni' status, trying to break free from UniSIM to SUSS. the lecturers were all changing the syllabus, making exam papers harder and we really felt their efforts. some of the exam qns really cant do. the qns were really to freaking test ur understanding and application. in a good way, because it was so hard, everyone can't do, so nobody fail coz the sch had to moderate it. i rmbr for the legendary EAS309 Aerodynamics module. hahas. i counted like i could only get 37/100 if i'm lenient to give myself 1 mark for formula and a few follow-through method marks. i was confident that i would fail it. in the end, i got a B. LOL. that's how much they had to moderate. so the legendary lecturer says "no on fails my exam. you only fail yourself when u dont turn up for the paper"- TJK. hahhahhahahahas. (when we asked him if the paper would be difficult). look how right he is. hahahahs.
but yea, i'm proud to say i'm one of the students who lived through this status change, also for my BEHAS course to attain the Engineering Accreditation by EAB and IES. (ok i googled the latter. can't rmbr whats the engrg stunt for also. ahhahas)
to try and do a comparision, for my marketing deg, i can just study 1 week b4 exam week and no problem. easily manged a B with fluff. but for this engineering deg ah, wah lau. cannot smoke. cannot fluff. if u really duno how to do the q, the most u can do is just throw in some formula and hope for the best and moderation. i really struggled so much and even after feeling good about some papers, i dare not aim for an A. and for most of the papers, i started studying damn hard and focusing on the exams 3.5 weeks before coz that's when we're mostly done with the quizzies, lab reports and TMAs.
there were some mgmt modules in this programme and i'm proud to say i got A for of them. for most of the TMAs, i'm also one of the top few. sorry, just had to brag coz i really put in alot of effort and all those report writing in my poly / uni days really helped.
so yea. i wasnt doing well in yr 1 and 2 on my own. mostly Bs and Cs. but with the friends made in yr 2 onwards, i was mostly getting As and Bs...
2ndly, i guess i wanna thank my collegues.
most of the ppl at work dont like ppl who are studying because of the 'study shift' which initially means to change from MM1EN to MMNN. pattern. after the company changed the shift timings, our 'study shift' timings couldn't change to coming in 2.5h earlier for night shifts coz we end classes at 10pm. so most of the guys were unhappy. so yea, through the 5 yrs, alof of ppl didnt like me. the spvrs and some ppl tried to get me out of their dept / team and all. basically there were alot of judgement and scrutiny. this 'study shift' thing came about alse because of me. i was the one who fight for it 4 yrs ago. in a way, its a win-win situation coz its always the M and especially N shift that needed more men. but well. no one sees it this way because 1. people are selfish. 2. an insecure company always think that the employees are always out there to take advantage of the system.
so for my first yr of studies, it was alot of time-offs and then paying back on offdays, which means 0 overtime. the mgmt wanted it, but HR couldn't deal with the paperwork and it was alot of operational concerns in the end because it was very disruptive when it comes to tool prep, accountability and stuff like that. and yea, there's aaaaaallllottt going on everywhere in which i dont think i should mention here. so all in all, after 10000 yrs, the company finally had a study shift. of course many guys weren't too happy about it because some of them wanted to study when they're much younger because, let's just say 'operational demands' hold the key excuse to every single bloody thing.
so anyway, because of this 'study shift', many ppl started studying legitly and this makes me really happy. at least i could do something for the guys around me. there's gotta be haters, but then again, why didnt u fight for it? i didn't just fight and get what i wanted u know. i had to draft out stuff, make plans, showed my plans, showed how things could also benefit operationally and all. that mgmt guy wasn't too happy because of all the residing politics, but if u wanna change for the better, u gotta change. at this point in time, like i mean, after 5 yrs, i've grown out of the haters. there are days where i literally cry when i ride home from work because of the nasty things ppl say to me or from what ppl tell me whether true or not, but at the end of the day, look at the progress. look at how many guys can finally get their diplomas after working for 10 over yrs in the company.
i'm really proud of it you know. some of them have like 3 kids and all, and willing to go through 2 more yrs of work-study just for that earlier increment because any qualification that is higher from the last in which u used it to enter to company, allows u for a jump in technical grade, which transcends to a small monthy increment which is a multiplier effect if you do overtime.
when i was in the mgmt, i didn't think overtime was a big deal. i often wondered why those ground workers argue and fight over doing OT. to me (at that time), no need work overtime good what.
there was once 2 guys came to my office and quarreled infront of me regarding OT. i thought like, wth, y so serious sia. chill. i had to like explain things to them like a caring mother omg. hahaha. now that i'm a ground worker myself, omg. hahahs. this shit is real. its not just 'OT' and the money, but there's so many tied around it. so much emotions, so much anger, so much opportunity costs, so much to lose in all. its all RELATIVE. its such a sensitive thing just because of poor corporate culture and all the shit which i dont want to explain because this is suppose to be a nice post. hahahahas. maybe next time. but for now, let's just say that i've learnt that the valuation of money is really relative. it like, to you, maybe $1 is not alot. but if $1 is the only money that u're accessible to when u want to get from jurong to pasir ris, $1 may be a life-saver.
so yea, thank u for the very few and countable collegues who understood and supported me in any way. to me, by not condemning ppl who study or just diligently doing ur own work and watching out for ur own safety means supporting me in some ways alrdy. so yes, thank you, especially during exam periods.
next, my friends.
firstly, i'm sorry if i dont message / write letters anymore. i realized i've stopped doing them after 2016, which is also the start of sch. thank u for those who stood by me, for those who msged or just kept the distance. i wanna thank 2 ppl who keep popping up in my mind. Amanda (+ sz) and Estee. like amanda who randomly shows up and surprises me and mother poon with bubble tea and cakes and estee who sends me bday cards and all the nice stuff even though she's like 100000km away. i feel so blessed. really. its like, the are really my pillars. ok la, and dickson who occasionally accompanied me to study while he killed time by doing some of his work or watch netflix while i painstaking solved mathematical equations and fourier transforms. hahahs. thanks for the time we had ice cream tgr after my brain was close to overheating for the overdrive. but yea. these are my pillars.
idk if i'm able to survive.
in 2018, k1 left and it killed me inside. 2019 came, and k2 stabbed in further when i was still trying to find myself. i dont hate them, but i find it hard to believe that i'm actually thankful that they came in and walked out from my life just like that. to some extend, i am sorry for myself for trusting them because i thought i could, but both of them taught me so much. there's more gratitude than hatred though both emotions are equally intense when it comes to them. (wah, finally for the first time, i feel like i can write out the emotions almost closely to how i feel about it.) i do hope they are well because i know they're gonna be better off w/o me anyways. hahahs. coincidentally or ironically, these 2 persons are also graduating from their respective schs this year. so some promises like "i will be there for your graduation" are going to be broken - not because i'm not graduating, but either because 1) i am no longer existent in ur life or 2) covid-19 circuit breaker measures. lol. hahahahahs.
there are days where i have subtle intentions of trying to creep into the graduation hall or smth just to take a few photos of u guys coz i know it was a tough time getting through ur respective programmes as well. but one thing k2 taught me was self-worth. i will need to work on loving myself more before i can really love anyone. let me just learn to thrive on that for now.
tbh, i never thought that graduation is a big thing. actually now i also dont think its a big thing coz its just a ceremony for ppl to read out the long list of ppl leaving the sch. its not like u're more impressive because u attended graduation or take photos to have proof of ur graduation. hahas. but because of this particular BEHAS programme, this 5 yrs is worth a celebration of and with the ppl whom u love and who stood by u throughout tough times.
thirdly, my rugby / bowling / climbing circle. i think to some extent, its quite rude to be in and out seasons like that. but really no choice. it was always saving up my leaves for exams. so if i'm not working, i'm studying. i didnt have much time to do anything or have the energy to do it if i wanted to. u know like energy cannot be created or destroyed right. ahhas. so like, if i spent more time and energy in doing activities that i would like to do, it would mean that i have less energy to focus on my studies. the amount of sleep time i am allowed to is probably just enough to survive work and abit of study. so yea, this is what it means by sacrifices. idk how to link this ideology of sacrificing to sacrificing the people you love, but let's just say love is complicated. hahah.
lastly, mother poon. and abit of the sister.
mother poon who' still a full time mother and housewife even though there's no living husband. she still faithfully cooks for me when i can be home for dinner, does the house work, changes my bedsheets and washes my uniform and underwear. on some bad days, we some how would end up retaliating each other with brutal harsh honest words, but then somehow, next day like everything ok. nothing seems to affect us. i really think that's love. we love by actions and not by words. in this world, there is no one who can be like this, that's y i say mother poon is best. we have no manners and that's our manners. idk if its also taking each other for granted, but i dont feel like its that way because we can be who we wanna be, and still love each other without needing any words of validation. its a love so deep that u can't just say oh i love mother poon coz that doesn't justify the depths of it. i dont think anyone (other than my dad also) who have loved me this way.
for my sister, also along the same lines. i guess u can say its a family culture. but tangibly, thank u for printing my reports with crazy submission deadlines. sometimes even trying to get the correct colour tone of the report. ok. if we fight again, i'll rmbr the day u help me print that one final report. haha i still rmbr not sleeping for 2 nights in row and staying up in changi T2 just to complete it. i was super focused. i think got about 100 pages of words, tables, graphs and images. eh, we were given less than a week to complete it after coming back from UK. and ah, i got a 92 for it and i deserve that mark. HAHHAHA.
ok. yea. that's more or less of the things that came to my mind when i submitted the paper.
i didnt think the last paper i did would be at home instead of the memorable freezing examination all. its like, i still have the jitters each time the say 'you may begin'. idk if its a conditional response coz for the first 5 mins of the paper in the exam hall, i'll panicked abit even on some subjects that i'm confident of. i got a feeling its coz of PSLE. hahahs but like today and last week, like not much of a problem. i guess also coz its the first time i only have 1 paper per week. so its like 2 papers in 2 weeks as compared to last time 4 papers 1 week.
whatever it is, i'm so glad its over.
so what's next.
the very first thing on my list in which mother poon has been waiting for about 10 yrs is....
1. clear out my room
its not just about packing it, but clearing it so i can pack it.
2. pack my room
yea. i mean all these after i super complete my fyp uh.
write letters.
Learn korean so to appreciate Korean dramas better.
climb
do scrapbooks
gym more. but for now more calisthenics workout?
TRAVEL OMG. this one. i've waited 5 yrs for NEPAL. but ok, i will wait.
bring mother poon to angmoh country like london.
class 2
class 3 (yea, looks like i'm prioritzing scrapbooking over this hahas)
i want forklift license also
towtug license
sort out dad's toolbox. idk how i'm gg to do this though. maybe not happening. ahhas
recently, i have thoughts like i'm gg to die soon. like i can hear my heartbeat, my breathing and stuff like that. i have dreams of the past unresolved issues with people, but no, i dont have dreams of my dad or ppl who have passed on. but idk. i hope that i dont die soon even i'm saying all these glibberish stuff. u know like those spooky coincidences. hahas yea. okok no. God bless me. pls keep me on this earth at least as long as mother poon is alive. anything after that is fine.
so what's really next?
change job?
idk. i wanna do my masters. but i dare not think about it. its not about not dreaming big, but there's mother poon. there's $. and there's the opportunity costs and sacrifices which i think its not fair to those who love me around me.
u know, k1 and i once argued because he said i was selfish. he said i was selfish to be doing any other degree at the expense of everything and everyone around me because i arldy had a degree and didnt need another one. i felt so shitty coz i mean like, he also studying what. that arguement happened when i was in year 2 and i didnt quite understand it. i thought like wth, can't i just study just coz i wanted to? like what'swrong in wanting to pursue passion. but after 5 yrs and losing him and the time and people around me, yea, i guess i was. and i've also learnt like, u can't justify everything just because of passion or heart.
not everything that does with the heart is fine u know. i think its some hard facts that i still find it hard to swallow, but that's the truth and its one of the bigger lessons i've learnt throughout this journey.
its like, mother poon is getting old. she's still walking fine. but not like can walk 5km non stop kind. there's a limit / time limit to everything and that's why i've always been workign hard and giving my best to everything i do. but i overlooked something. i cannot do my best in everything. as in, i shouldnt be wanting to do so many things coz there's a limit to the amount of time / amount of energy of the people around.
i guess thats why when we're younger, we always hear adults tell us like 'do your best', 'time management', 'work hard'.. .all these simple little advices. but now when i'm older, i do see the tangible expense and value that are tradeoffs. its because that i've given my best in all that i do, the little things always seem to matter and everything becomes a blurr when i can't be focused or motivated. there's so much to really evaluate about it. haha i guess thanks to the academic vigour for this long train of thoughts. probably should write a book.
hahas omg. i've spent about 2hrs typing. sorry i got carried away. thanks for reading if anyone is reading hahahhahs. idc if its just the digital systems accessing these codes, but i'm just thankful for this year and the people who have stayed.
Tuesday, May 05, 2020
clearance vs numb
it was a very random thought.
on just one random night before my 0600hr shift, i couldn't sleep and idky.
yea, one of those nights
but i wasn't even thinking of you. wasn't even playing with my phone.
just rolling around in bed, with my chou chou close to me, and thankful its not one of those emo nights though it would be great it i can start sleeping soon.
then i took my phone and started to block u on ig and fb.
it was quite impulsive. u werent even in my thoughts for the past few hours. but its like all of a sudden, a realization struck me. i realized that i didn't deserve to be treated that way. i didn't do anything to u to deserve all that, other than hoping that we could spend more time as friends.
after doing that, i tried to click on ur profile again and i can't see them anymore. i didnt know how to feel. perhaps numb? i couldn't recognize any kind of feeling i could identify with.
perhaps it's a hunch that u were able to get her back. and it's probably always something u wanted which u didn't want to recognize.
but whatever it is, anyone who tried to be with someone's gf isn't right from the start. whatever the reasons. though there are more 'honourable' ways to handle such situations, i dont think i'm in any position to comment.
perhaps we're all the same.
there to fill someone else's void.
well, i could say that my heart was really all about u. then again, do i really know?
its been over a year without u now, and i'm starting to see more defined differences between departures from you and kh. haha. i can't even be bothered to give a k1 k2 to these 2 persons anymore. u guys dont deserve any effort from me anymore.
in all of the r/s i've ever been in, in the end, everyone just stop communicating. it isn't those like slowly go quiet kind. but all of them just treat me as non-existent. well, perhaps its coz i'm the one who cannot just stop the communication till it becomes one-way and then becoming non-existent right?
during these whole CB period, i feel like... liberated somehow. i'm actually enjoying the fact that my daily plans are just so... me. on days that i'm not working, i wake up, cook lunch, study, eat dinner, netfilx, sleep and repeat. no plans to worry about, other than sch work which has all been so managable. oh yea, my kind colleague shared with me his netflix acc. so i'm just watching all the shows, and not even playing much social media. sometimes i ig story about whatever's interesting around, and that's it. i dont even bother scrolling for other ppl's feeds.
sometimes i wish the world could go back to snail mail. like if only there's a way to just retain google or whatever means to keep up with reading info, but zero means to communicate electronically. everyone's probably already taking communication for granted until it has become a norm now that 'taking for granted' doesn't exist. in the past, it would be deliberately meeting up, or like taking out a piece of paper and pen, make and envelope and find a stamp just to send out a message literally. now, ppl dont even respond.
idk but the closet that i'm putting myself back in feels comfortable again. i'm really adamant about being close to any one. now, not even with those that i'm platonically close to. u know, i secretly wish that this CB period can extend till forever. maybe like just allow back sports activities like my rugby, bowling and climbing. hahahs. i'm so biased. but yea. no dinners. no socializing. no hanging out.
only with family members.
my family now is probably going to go through another emotionally tough period of time all thanks to another man also. is this all in our blood ah? we just can't keep our men. haha. look at my dad. look at mother poon's first love. whether it be by choice or not, no men stays. i really miss my dad. but that's all is possible. work is shit coz ppl, both ground and mgmt are being shitheads. idky ppl can't just fcking work tgr during this period of time, but i have given up.
u know its like... the mgmt boast like oh we take 7% 12% paycut. yea wow. what is that amt when ur pay is like $10k right. and yea. work from home. and the ground guys? we take compulsory no pay leave, no ot, which means all the allowances cut. so in the end, that's a good 30-40% pay cut. and if ur pay is like $2k.it means that for the month in May, i'm probably gonna take home $1.7k. so what is relative now? i'm not even sure.
all that fire and flame has died. i want to say that i've stopped fighting for the issues that i feel passionately about, but its more like, i'm just tired of the fights.
its like, fight or no fight, nothing changed.
look at how kh can leave just like that.
like how d walked away just like that. 15 yrs ago and still no sign of him.
like how my father left.
honestly, after finishing my exams this month, idk whats next. i secretly thought of doing my masters, but the course i'm interested in is in UK. and honestly, i dun even dare dream of studying again. all the ppl who left. idk if its a good thing to know who's stayed, but i just want to be alone.
mother poon doesn't want to be alone that's for sure. though she says she's ok and all. we all know.
other than thriving in being disconnected with people around me, i feel that disconnection and connection within myself. there's so many things i want to reboot. so many things i want to be thankful for, especially for all that pain felt in the last 2 years.
i dont even know if God is far away coz by 'knowledge', God is near. i dont even know i'm taking Him for granted. but i just know i'm not a christian that i can be proud of. my heart isn't right. its not about being in the right place. it just feels like an empty deck, with no one manning the steering wheel. not me, not God. just letting circumstances blow my sails to whatever the directions. and its like, i'm just hoping for God to be the circumstances, to be the wind of my sails. i feel quite disgusted that i'm not even praying for God to be the captain of my ship. its not that i dont want to. its not that i'm ashamed of myself or anything. its just like... this blank sheet. nothing.
perhaps the broken pieces of my heart is all back into one again, held back together with the chains. but this time, instead of the chains being an added security, it feels like they fused in together as its secondary structure. no, its not a bad thing. i'm just keeping my heart for myself. i'm tired of sharing. tired of giving. tired of letting it get exposed to anything or anyone. i guess its all ok to just leave it in this config till the day i lose my breath on this earth. there's nothing really left fighting for other than mother poon.
clearance or numb?
i can't tell the difference
on just one random night before my 0600hr shift, i couldn't sleep and idky.
yea, one of those nights
but i wasn't even thinking of you. wasn't even playing with my phone.
just rolling around in bed, with my chou chou close to me, and thankful its not one of those emo nights though it would be great it i can start sleeping soon.
then i took my phone and started to block u on ig and fb.
it was quite impulsive. u werent even in my thoughts for the past few hours. but its like all of a sudden, a realization struck me. i realized that i didn't deserve to be treated that way. i didn't do anything to u to deserve all that, other than hoping that we could spend more time as friends.
after doing that, i tried to click on ur profile again and i can't see them anymore. i didnt know how to feel. perhaps numb? i couldn't recognize any kind of feeling i could identify with.
perhaps it's a hunch that u were able to get her back. and it's probably always something u wanted which u didn't want to recognize.
but whatever it is, anyone who tried to be with someone's gf isn't right from the start. whatever the reasons. though there are more 'honourable' ways to handle such situations, i dont think i'm in any position to comment.
perhaps we're all the same.
there to fill someone else's void.
well, i could say that my heart was really all about u. then again, do i really know?
its been over a year without u now, and i'm starting to see more defined differences between departures from you and kh. haha. i can't even be bothered to give a k1 k2 to these 2 persons anymore. u guys dont deserve any effort from me anymore.
in all of the r/s i've ever been in, in the end, everyone just stop communicating. it isn't those like slowly go quiet kind. but all of them just treat me as non-existent. well, perhaps its coz i'm the one who cannot just stop the communication till it becomes one-way and then becoming non-existent right?
during these whole CB period, i feel like... liberated somehow. i'm actually enjoying the fact that my daily plans are just so... me. on days that i'm not working, i wake up, cook lunch, study, eat dinner, netfilx, sleep and repeat. no plans to worry about, other than sch work which has all been so managable. oh yea, my kind colleague shared with me his netflix acc. so i'm just watching all the shows, and not even playing much social media. sometimes i ig story about whatever's interesting around, and that's it. i dont even bother scrolling for other ppl's feeds.
sometimes i wish the world could go back to snail mail. like if only there's a way to just retain google or whatever means to keep up with reading info, but zero means to communicate electronically. everyone's probably already taking communication for granted until it has become a norm now that 'taking for granted' doesn't exist. in the past, it would be deliberately meeting up, or like taking out a piece of paper and pen, make and envelope and find a stamp just to send out a message literally. now, ppl dont even respond.
idk but the closet that i'm putting myself back in feels comfortable again. i'm really adamant about being close to any one. now, not even with those that i'm platonically close to. u know, i secretly wish that this CB period can extend till forever. maybe like just allow back sports activities like my rugby, bowling and climbing. hahahs. i'm so biased. but yea. no dinners. no socializing. no hanging out.
only with family members.
my family now is probably going to go through another emotionally tough period of time all thanks to another man also. is this all in our blood ah? we just can't keep our men. haha. look at my dad. look at mother poon's first love. whether it be by choice or not, no men stays. i really miss my dad. but that's all is possible. work is shit coz ppl, both ground and mgmt are being shitheads. idky ppl can't just fcking work tgr during this period of time, but i have given up.
u know its like... the mgmt boast like oh we take 7% 12% paycut. yea wow. what is that amt when ur pay is like $10k right. and yea. work from home. and the ground guys? we take compulsory no pay leave, no ot, which means all the allowances cut. so in the end, that's a good 30-40% pay cut. and if ur pay is like $2k.it means that for the month in May, i'm probably gonna take home $1.7k. so what is relative now? i'm not even sure.
all that fire and flame has died. i want to say that i've stopped fighting for the issues that i feel passionately about, but its more like, i'm just tired of the fights.
its like, fight or no fight, nothing changed.
look at how kh can leave just like that.
like how d walked away just like that. 15 yrs ago and still no sign of him.
like how my father left.
honestly, after finishing my exams this month, idk whats next. i secretly thought of doing my masters, but the course i'm interested in is in UK. and honestly, i dun even dare dream of studying again. all the ppl who left. idk if its a good thing to know who's stayed, but i just want to be alone.
mother poon doesn't want to be alone that's for sure. though she says she's ok and all. we all know.
other than thriving in being disconnected with people around me, i feel that disconnection and connection within myself. there's so many things i want to reboot. so many things i want to be thankful for, especially for all that pain felt in the last 2 years.
i dont even know if God is far away coz by 'knowledge', God is near. i dont even know i'm taking Him for granted. but i just know i'm not a christian that i can be proud of. my heart isn't right. its not about being in the right place. it just feels like an empty deck, with no one manning the steering wheel. not me, not God. just letting circumstances blow my sails to whatever the directions. and its like, i'm just hoping for God to be the circumstances, to be the wind of my sails. i feel quite disgusted that i'm not even praying for God to be the captain of my ship. its not that i dont want to. its not that i'm ashamed of myself or anything. its just like... this blank sheet. nothing.
perhaps the broken pieces of my heart is all back into one again, held back together with the chains. but this time, instead of the chains being an added security, it feels like they fused in together as its secondary structure. no, its not a bad thing. i'm just keeping my heart for myself. i'm tired of sharing. tired of giving. tired of letting it get exposed to anything or anyone. i guess its all ok to just leave it in this config till the day i lose my breath on this earth. there's nothing really left fighting for other than mother poon.
clearance or numb?
i can't tell the difference
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