busy bee

actually life is pretty simple at the end of the day.




workload is still getting crazy and i guess its probably at its best for me.
习惯就好 is the way to go.
the pitfall of getting too close for comfort is that u may just eventually loose that drive one day.
so again, it brings us back to Business theories about attitudes, perceptions, behaviours, intrinsic values and so on. textbook knowledge still applies in the real world only if u know how to use them to ur advantage.


today, i got up an A380 at the hangar during the D check. mixed feelings... but... must maintain man.
been talking to aloooot of different kinds people these few days that i'm getting used to being comfortable with meeting new people; engineers, techs, executives, managers and the list goes on. not that i truly enjoy making new friends coz i find it just too hard to keep them, but i'm just getting comfortable and thankful that i'm not trying to be someone whom i want to be, but just be myself - along those kinda lines la. hahas. and yes, according to past records, i am an introvert. hahas


busy day.week.month.
no exception for today. been so busy that i dont even have time to check whatsapp. upon opening up my phone to check whatsapp, i find myself checking the emails more. my samsung s4's a good buy - too good a buy when the synching of work emails into the phone becomes too efficient.
starting to really feel the phrase when ppl say 'work kills' or like 'been busy at work'. sucha simple commonly used phrase that we often underestimate or pay little respect to, passing it off as an excuse. but now that i'm at it, no shit. its really about time management, being focused, determined and perseverance.
sounds like i'm psyching up for a game.... but i guess if we're not focus and let ourselves be distracted, once off the track, we're inducing more unnecessary stress and pressure.


i'm also busy because, out of work, i'm also planning the annual monsoon beach touch. after work, i go back home to my macbook and try to reply all the other emails for the event email account, managing the registration forms, managing the teams, process, logistics, getting manpower, budget and so on.
ok, why i'm sounding so darn proud of myself now is because, i think i should be. coz it really feels like i've got zero space for allocating time for myself. go work- computer. go home- computer. dinner- computer. tv-computer.  really 0 work life balance. i mean its part of life right. but wah lau, u get those 1 or 2 individuals that really pesters you for the little details. some ppl needa take some ownership of their lives man. anyways, ok. hahas. #emotionalvomit.
and rugby trngs are resuming on sunday.




i know, life's all about choices.
i try to maximize right.
though it may seem pointless to you, but its my choice and if i should fall into regret if i'm rational and clear about my decision.


sounds confident?
not quite though.
not without many doubts.


but at the end of the day, i just want to be efficient, productive and sutainable.
gosh. this is going to sound like a business report now. no.
starting to feel that i'm rambling because i'm actually a weeee bit anxious about life right now.
mother poon's still not back. its been more than a week since i've seen / call/ communicated with her. whatsapp her about once or twice. my family is not the typical imissyou kind, but w/o her, life is not complete. its like when i go home, yes, i'm home, but not quite really when ur family member is not home. when she's home, its not like we talk or what, but i guess its just the presence of having a close person around u that provides you with some form of comfort to recycle and replenish the remaining strength that's left for the next day.
and secretly, i've got no time to do all the housework like mopping the floor and all. i mean its not dirty coz no one uses it right. but its dirty and i've not got the time to do my laundry! ): running out of clothes to wear and probably need 1 day to be a responsible family member of my house.

work hard. work fast. 

oh yes. thank God for dinner session with nic and surya. 

meeting old schoolmates are always pleasant. 

ANYWAYS.



i guess while i'm complaining, at the same time, i'm also in appreciation.
coz i really dont have alot of time to think.
i dont have time to let my mind wonder. i simply cannot afford it. my emotions are probably stretched and soooo contained at work and including after work (which is never really 'after work') that its kept at that tension, unable to retreat back to its norm when i'm supposed to be out of work which is never really the case. sucha long sentence and somehow, i'm finding it hard to have a good english sentence structure.


but its good to move out of the old norm to a new norm isn't it?

change is never easy.
but we have to learn to embrace change because it is a form of human's instinct to adapt to situations and improve to survive right.





ok, what i mean is that i've really got so so so much and probably too much that i wanna say, share and communicate to you right now. but i know my boundaries that u've subconsciously defined for me.
i know my place.
ok. i'm not gg to that mode now coz i cant afford it.
but since i guess in all honesty, you and i probably know the unspoken protocols that automatically falls into place as much as we try to defer from it. i simply cannot, and do not want to risk anything or even to put myself in those emotional turmoil, again and again. its tiring and just so taxing on me. honestly, its not, and never easy. but if its for the better good of the bigger picture in ur opinions, and suiting ur somewhat 'requirements', i guess this is how it should be. we can throw in all the reasoning, explanations, solutions and all. but if its just getting more and more.... difficult, i guess it just goes to show all the reasons and solutions we give may just be a form of excuse for find a space, or rather, a bridge that's never there.
and even most of the time when i ride back home, i do let my subtly-desperate-yet-in-denial other me to look at the shelters and empty seats and let my mind run wild for that 10 sec before i realize i'm parking my bike. and that should be it. that should be all.

i guess i have made up my mind to be disciplined to give this up because i really think its what you want since its not what you want.
philosophical shit, but that's how it is.
and see, so far, so good. not that all good, but its not as detrimentally lethal as how it can potentially be.
work has temporarily filled in all the gaps and voids. though they can't be like sealant or epoxy to mend those holes permanently to as strong as its original structural strength, at least it holds it together temporary.








ok. ALL IN ALL, i am learning.
our attitudes should always be about open learning. then we can grow and better prepare ourselves as we continue on. though i dont always have the best solution for everything, so long as we've on the right track, we should be fine souls at the end of the day.
though may be unwilling and with doubt,
we're all fine.

27th july

Hah.

27th july.

7 years ago, it was like that.

7 yrs later, again the same thing.

I have no idea........................................

Ok. I get it..I move on. Or rather,

FORGET IT.

ITS NOT WORTH IT ANYMORE.

I dont have the strength and courage in all of these anymore.

I.am.giving.up.

not even searching for answers anymore.

>:'(

many things.

ok. and so, i've tried. i've tried to not use social streams to express myself. i've tried not to blog.
and i think all this has pushed me quite a bit and also to realize that i'm actually dependent on all these to get my thoughts out. somemore, mother poon is out whole wk in sembawang taking care of the Liews + its the time of the month + worklifebalancefail.. i guess i still have to run to this space. i wouldnt say i'm lonely, but i do need my dosages of emotional vomit.

so far this week's been tough.

lots of meetings. lots of datelines. lots of pressure from the above of the above.
it got sooooo... much...  to a point that i actually broke down in the office ytd. totally didn't expect that. and because of my ego, i wouldn't think that i'm stressed, but clearly, i'm really really frustrated and i've failed to contain it professionally. to summarize, is just a matter of different working styles and compromise. at the same time, i have to remember that i'm inexperienced and there's so much more for me to learn and explore.


hahas. and so, the boss talked to me.
though it was nice, i still had to bear it mind that he's still the boss after all. but i'm really very grateful for very very kind colleagues. really. many things we disagree/agree, but even as a very inexperienced new staff, they still try and listen, and then we both try to compromise and work out the best solution. i think such working environment is pretty hard to come by especially when i'm so new and that we're dealing with alot of decision-making and big money that can affect many many things.


and today, as the day didn't improve, it suddenly took on a change when i went up a Boeing. (:
it was the A380! wasn't as big as i expected it to be. i guess it is, but maybe i've got my expectation of this big plane too high up that reality couldn't match it up. but nonetheless, it was still too amazing. the seats were so.... atas and would just leave u in awe. and moving on forward, i'm glad to be getting more exposure to the technical side of planes! (:  there's really so much i wanna share with u, but i know i cant because of the so many reasons.
And no, I dun think I its whatever the reasons u're thinking of now.

anyways.


idk if i should/how to say this.
but today, i've been asked by a company to go over.
its quite a pleasant and every random shocker after all that has happened this week.
i wouldn't say whowhatwhere on this page, but its an important decision to me and i probably need advice and time to consider properly. i may not be fully aware of the whole picture even too.
and i guess i'm risking alot by openly saying this here. but no harm right. i've not made any decision yet and this time, i'm really on the fence. idk if i can decide or rather, if i should decide.
idk if the grass is really greener on the other side unless i really go over and find out for myself, but i can't even seem to evaluate the risk involved here.
its difficult coz i cannot openly seek ppl who's in the industry for advice coz i think its quite sensitive and have been given a kind caution.

ANYWAYs. storms will clear up for bright skies still exist right.

Been working. Been thinking abt life. And I really dk how can ppl manage work/family or rugby. I mean if u've got a standard, well paid 8-5 job, it makes things alot easier I guess. Maybe in e government sector; but its rarely the case in reality right. In fact, we spend more than 75% of our awake time at work, more than we can see our loved ones. Is that y office scandals are common and prevalent? Haha. No no, nothing to do with my company or anything, but I guess its happening in life especially if its something so.. 'undercoverish' right.

And whats more, I think every workplace has its own challenge. Some may be female-dominated, some may be male-dominated, some a good mix... but whatever it is, I just feel that stepping into the working world is definitely a change in a life's path. 

Right now, work has affected my rugby trainings and in turn, my worklife balance ideology. i just cant seem to find time for anything else! not even in my thoughts. Bah.

#singapore

finally, i got my hair cut today after 4 months of trying to find time.

maybe u dont know this.
ok. halt. -.
there's really so much things i wanna say / share with u. but i guess i do have a part to play also right.
as much as i dun really want u to know, in saying this, i've alrdy sounded out an inverse intention.
i probably know what are u thinking, and i guess u would be / have been making all kinds of guesses and eventually bringing urself down. and by me saying this, u would reject my thoughts - as always. ok, i really dont want to sound all that negative. but this is also why i had to put my twitter as private. u may not want to accept my point of view, but its really for ur own good whatever the reasons u or i want to give to be against it. anyway, i am in no place to say much, and i know i cant anymore.


everything feels likka boomerang that it's just out to get you.
never certain, but surely.



oh wells, with everything else aside and coming up to the surface to breathe, i just hope that u are well.
i dont like how negative u can always put urself into. i'm at a point where i dont care if its for self protection or defense or what, but i just think that we all have the rights and freedom to be a happier person in all situation and circumstances. idk what's really stopping u, and i'm probably feeling guilty of many many things. i sincerely give up, but i'm still holding on to what's worth.
yup. that's all i should and can say for now.
i do hope that u're fine good just ok.

That was it.

not v good with words

Club 7s wkend round 2.
we lost the round 2. but we're still overall champions winning 2 out of 3 games vs our rivals.

moving on.

sometimes i'm quite tired of explaining myself. and the more i express myself verbally, it just get misunderstood. i secretly believe that i'm an introvert and i shall just stick to it. deal with it. 

i dun think i wanna route it out, anymore.

and if i means to forcefully deny this outlet and space since its not getting productive, might as well right.

life's also about inflation.

the rich gets richer, the poor gets poorer.

i'm not comparing, but we all do desire a fairer and impossible life, dont u think so?

and we're just going to continue to give ourselves excuses, tell ourselves white lies to mean the truths. 

what's new. whatever comforts. whatever shades and cover.

anyway, its been a fast July. and August is soon to pass. 

thank u knee for holding up well, and shame on u ankle for not doing as well.

but glad that all's ok and may all those injured ones attain wolverine powers to heal fast.

i still want to hold on to my goal in life.

but not with an expectation.

i seek to be made anew.
tired of this life.
tired with all of you.

work week

what a work week.



all these means that it matters.

if it makes me happy, or even if it makes me upset and frustrated, it all means that there's an impact for cause; means that i do care no matter what i say or how i dont like it.


different working principles i must say.
and i should look ahead to being tolerant and yet cooperative because i want things to move fast and efficiently.

So frustrated now that I can cry for no apparent reason.

my big encouragement

omg. 

 as i clicked on the notifcation about a photo, i saw this on the photographer's timeline.

idk, but its likka shot right straight through the heart. here i am, talking about everything like that, and now there's a post like that. 

:')

idk but thank you Lord for working in ways in which we can never fathom. You never fail to amaze me and speak to me in ways in which i can never pre-empt. thank You for not leaving me even when times i do not have You in mind at all.

Club 7s - Rnd 1

gonna try and make this fast.

had a good rugby-packed weekend and i just wanna note it down.
its Round 1 of Club 7s !
sat and sun and ccab.

for saturday, i went for NTU Touch attack first. coz i promised this team long ago before this event got postponed and got clashed with club 7s because of the haze. a loong ride to PIE exit 37 (or issit 39. hahas) to pulau NTU.

my #breakfast for champs.

it was likka #conspiracy  going on with us Monsoon players playing together with players from Todaks. HAHHAS. but all in the good name of Fun Touch.

(: nope, we didn't win but we had so much fun because it was so random. hahas.




and look man! i brought work to do inbetween the games!

haas. ok.


and she was there! (:

and soon, i'm off to CCAB for 7s!
thank God for sucha great weather, so good that i can't ask for more.
it was like sunny but cloudy, light drizzle and all.. best. :D


Blacks sent in 2 teams: Blacks Bah and Blacks Nana.
ahhahas. coz the union was pressing for the registration, hence the random team names. hahhahahs.



to sum up the game,  while on the field and fighting on, it did remind me of why i'm still hanging on to this sport. prior to the season, been struggling quite abit during trngs and having mind-challenging questions about why-play-rugby and all. it was especially true during the last game against our arch rivals.
i really enjoyed that game of Rugby when i dun think too much and just go. sometimes i think so much, then i hesitate and then, i become indecisive which leads to a loss in possession or smth even more negative.
hahas. sounds likka lifestory? hahas. thats y some ppl call it Rugby = Life.

made quite alot of mistakes and the biggest one was missing THAT tackle that led to a try against us. ):
it was again, about being decisive and in the right position.
but because i gave my all at every min, i enjoyed the game alot.

however........ during a ruck when i was down on the ground, my legs were high up because of the momentum. before they could land, the opponent came and landed right over me to contest for the ball... then i felt the snap. ugh. it wasn't a good feeling and i know its that right ankle of mine.
my right ATFL been torn before, so i guess.... yea.
i dun think i wanna go physio / for a scan anymore coz i roughly know the procedures what's the doc going to say and all. i've secretly consolidated a self-helf physio manual for myself and my injuries, so i guess its gg to come to good use, again. ahhahas. not a good thing, but well, at least i know how to recover fast.
but the good news is, though there's much pain now, i'm able to walk w/o obvious limping and continue to ride. the not so good news is, its swollen and i can't wear my safety shoes to work, so i'm wearing my crocs to work, airport and all. it is wierd getting stares at the bandage for compression and support, but i'm very confident that with tlc, i'm able go on for this wkend.


Mirah had a concussion. it was super funny coz after the game she asked me (with a bag of ice on her head).."what just happened?". ahhahahas. i asked her if she rmbr anything about the game / who we played with and all.. but she couldn't really answer. ahhas. ok, no laughing matter coz its a head injury. but glad that she's fine now and showing no severe symptoms today.


and actually, i think i had a concussion too.
ok, i do want to blog abt it but i dont rmbr. haahhahas. no, serious!
mine's not that serious though and i didn't know only after when i was talking to my opponents (who are my Touch teammates) when they told me that i looked dazed after the game and told me what i said. when they told me that, i started to panic abit and was shocked coz i had no clue to whatsoever during that short period of time.  it was wierd and i found it hard to piece the pieces together.

but yea, dont you just wish that we can forget some part of our lives just like that?

ok, no emo posts tonight. no time for that. AHHAHS.

this was when i discovered i had a concussion after the game.
but no, the photo's like that coz we're not ready for the camera! hahahhas.







ok, idk whats with this yr's 7s, but xy also hit her head plus her ankle and face. hahas. she's totally ice man for now.

her first Contact season ever, and her first game with us. (:

表姐！hahahhahs (actually it's jy's 表姐, but we all call her that sometimes）

she's a Center while i'm her wing. had fun playing alongside with her!

and meet Ching!

welcome to the contact world! been playing Touch together as teammates for 6 yrs now. and i'm so glad that u're with me in the contact scene. though we're out to kill each other on the field, i do know that i can still count on you even off the field. thank u for being sucha great teammate and friend.

and lastly...!

i think this is the first atas photo of me tackling. and what's more, i'm tackling my Touch coach who has been my coach for a good 3-4 years. credits to Eric Lim who's really a great photographer. ahhas. no, not because he's taken an action shot of me, but most of the time, his photos are able to capture the essence of the scene, comparable to a video clip. as a photographer, i'm always in awe of his shots. and also as a sportsman who is a sports photographer, i'm amazed by how he's got the timing of his shots right. and as a sportsman, thank u for the shots. though u may not know it, it's a big encouragement to me especially when we look back at the photos when we're down. 

 and another shot from Eric Lim.
always inspired when i see Sam tackle ppl and recover from a tackle. she's only slightly taller than me, but she can take on bigger players who can literally be twice the size of her.
last wkend, she was really awesome in her tackles as she flew towards them and successfully brought them down.

on a side note with regards to my Aviation life,
wearing officially siaec's vest and first time walking up to a Boeing 777 was a moment for me.
though it doesn't make much sense, but it's a moment to remember. ahhahas.

Name.

what a day.

ups and downs in the offices. maybe its me and my expectations that some things that can be done are not done and there's no cooperation from any sides. lost my cool slightly, but no no, didn't do anything irrational, but i could have been more tactful with my words i guess. though everything's ok, but u'll never know right.

spoke to one of the other bosses from the other side because i just couldn't take it. can't say here. can't talk to anyone, so that was it when i had my moment.

quite glad that i was able to talk to him likka friendfor10yrs kind. in fact, i'm surprised that he understands my plight and even gave good advices.

(ok, i'm gg to take a risk here)

u know, much earlier, i could actually have an option to go to that dept that's more towards my goal. probably more useful as well in terms of expanding my knowledge about aircrafts and ops... but because i didn't know its existence earlier/ and also because of so many many many other circumstances,.........................i didn't - which i orginally could. hafta highlight that. hahas.

so... ugh.  i should believe and have that faith that God has better plans right.

ANYWAYS.

its difficult for me to explain everything out here coz this is after all a public space.

speaking of which, i've deleted photos on fb/insta/tumblr tt i've taken during OJT because of a case in my company that scared me. sad that i cant share my joy and excitement about my aviation life with my friends, but i dun want to jeopardize my career and future in the aviation industry. coz no airport pass, means that's it for me though i'm fully aware of the many other opportunities not in changi airside. 

back to it...

in conclusion, i'm gonna take it as a challenge.

coz i believe i'm able to use and apply what i've learnt in uni at least. 

of course, i'm not abandoning my goal, but i'm giving myself 1-2 yrs for review and evaluation.

meanwhile, i should be mindful to not be defensive but focus on giving my best.

also, i should be more understanding. so long as its not an attitude prob but more of an capability/ability issue, i should be fine and be more tolerant and patience. 

what spurred me to come up with that quick conclusion was also during the journey otw back to office. both of them complimented me! its not those like casual remark likka 'good job' or smth.. but it felt like an impromptu evaluation / assessment of my perfomance so far. he used the phase "exceeding expectations" and went on explaining the stuff that i've done vs what if others do it and stuff. of course i was internally super happy la. but of course, the other part of me cannot accept such bold statement about my performance. not just because i want to be humble about it, but its just 1 month and there's so many areas in this field which i've not explored. also, i've seen / met/ worked with some ppl in my life whom are so so driven that their performances would always surpass my already-set-high expectation specially for them since i'm alrdy of their capability. .

back at office, i saw my box of ready-made name card on my table!

happppppy can. 

its' my first official name card. and its even got my chinese name. ahhahas. my name sounds malay and i look malay, so with the chinese name, it does help in allowing chinese ppl to speak chinese with me.

its seemed that after the h2h talk with that boss, everything took on a positive turn.



i went to church today. shocked to see a black vespa. but when i took a closer look at the plate no, its not u, but my church friend. wasn't disappointed since i wasn't expecting anything, but it did made my heart jumped. hahahhahas.
for some reason, last sunday in church,  i was so confident that u would come that i put ur name down w/o asking u. as today approached, i didn't expect u to come at all.
so when i saw u at the table while gg to get food, i almost choked on oxygen. didn't know how to react but just went on with the flow.
but u know, i'm v v v happy that u come. i'm not expecting / hoping for u to accept and believe whatever that was said, but i honestly do hope that we can share a common faith or a belief as how anyone would call it. but i do hope that u can try to come for the next 10 wks if u're not working. its so easy to miss one and continue to miss the rest. but for me, for u to come and take the first step was reallllly an encouragement to me.

but what pastor during the sharing did hit me when he said sometthing about this religion.. that u can either say as an infinite yes or no and its not something that can be left on the line. i can't rmbr how he explained it, but it kinda make lotsa sense event to a long-time christian like me.



and was happy that one of my sch mate came!
i only asked him on tue or so coz i rmbr that he was open to religion. (:




u know, i always struggle to share my faith with my friends coz i'm always afraid of how others would think and all. i wasn't afraid of rejection, but more towards my friend being 'in a position'. i always wanted the ppl whom i cared for to experience all the good that i've experience when i have God with me. maybe its God's grace that made me have the courage to do things to bring 2 of them to this course.
and honestly, i fully know that its not just by chance.


u know, i only knew about this course last sunday.
i've not been going church, and haven't been interested in any updates or anything about church.
but last sunday (as mentioned earlier in that post), i went to church because of my thai friend who came to our church when he came to singapore. i came late.
and as to secretly delay my time to go for Sunday Service, i stopped by the booth which said 'alpha course' because it had nice little name-card-sized invitation cards that said "Life is worth Exploring"

not really interested in courses like that. but since i was so so down and have that i've-got-nothing-to-loose feeling, i wanted to go for this course. initially, i didn't know that i was for non-believers to go and know more about this religion and stuff. but was talking to my friend about it to drag her with me for the course as i didn't want to go alone, then she told me about the nature of the course. and whoah, my whole direction changed.

for some reason, i had so much positivity to let my friends know about its. it was an opportunity for me to share my faith at the most legit way.
i could have asked more people, but i just wanted to ask 3 specific people. i have to be honest, it was a spurr of the moment to do the thing i did and to type an invitational whatsapp msg for all those fears. if i hesitated for another 45sec, i probably wouldn't have done it. i was scared that it would be uncomfortable for everyone. but today..... :D
i'm more than happy that though i was so so tired from work, i was grinning from side to side.


and this phrase keep popping up in my head:

"do your best and God will do the rest".

sometimes we worry tooooo much. we tend to hover too much on the negative whatifs.
it applies to work as well.
because w hover on such negativity, it leads to a lower productivity work rate/ perfomance since there's that lacking in a positive confidence and faith for success.
if we're able to focus on just doing what we can and give our best, we can be sure that God will do the rest and we dont have to worry about all the unnecessary things which dont matter.




ok. its almost 1am now and i've gotta crash.
long long day tmr and wkend.
its finally the 7s season, morng till abt 7pm for both days.
i'm missing the first morng 7s game coz i'm gg for another Touch tournament in which i've promised my teammates long ago. 9am at pulau ntu. it was supposed to be last month but it got postponed to tmr coz of the haze, hence the clash. ):

And Ive actually brought home work to do coz this needs to be done before monday's meeting. Cant believe tt im actually gonna bring my laptop down tmr to hopefully be able to do it during the game breaks.

pray for goood kind and merciful weather tmr!

the art of war

idk if i got something against July or what, but it always seems to be the roughest month.

in my frustrations, i thought of 诸葛亮 (zhuge liang) ... this wise chinese guy from the old old times.

he's likka strategist who's got the best plans for war.

most of the time, his plans involve patience and waiting... like for the best time/opportunity to strike and all. patience is key.

i always think its ok to be short-tempered since everyone can be emotional because things matter to us. but i guess it has to be of a certain extend, still. no doubt the next day, we can be back to normal and forget everything that has happened, however, we must bear in mind that not everyone can be on the same wavelength. some will take it against u, some will label u, some will rmbr for life.

well honestly, it shouldn't matter la. best is to be able to suppress and contain it, being able to vent it out at a delayed time of the day.

in moments when i slow myself down, i always try to make adjustments to my level of expectations.

since young, i've been trained to aim for the best; and if it fails, its perfectly fine if we've given our best. its not about how we fall but how we stand up again right.
i do think myself of a perfectionist and almost ocd at times. but i dun think its a problem coz though humanly, we can't be prefect, and we have the liberty to aim for perfection even if we know that it it'll fail. however, with that, it needs to come with a system to manage the level of expectations, as well as patience and understanding.



was at the hangar today quite late. while waiting for the gate to open, i stood there and looked at the massive big boss and stripped down A380 with its tail facing me.
i looked up at the tail fin and realize how massive it was. then i looked at rudder. there it was not in position, and out of the linear alignment. i made a mental comparison of the size of the big plane and that little rudder. there it was, right at the back of the whole body seemingly to watch over the whole body and even the massive wings and the 4 engines.

while studying aerodynamics, there dont really focus on the rudder and i dont rmbr paying attention to to it. it was always about the wings and the engines. but while looking at the motionless piece of plastic that's reinforced by carbon fibre, i did rmbr of its great importance as i rmbr a case from watching Air Crash Investigations when a plane crashed because of a rudder problem. and it was one of the longest air crash investigations by the NTSB.... if i rmbr correctly.. they didn't quite figure it out until another accident REOCCURED 3 yrs later.

the first one was the UA Flight 585 in 1991, and then the USAir Flight 427 in 1994.
it was the malfunction of the PCU (power control unit) of the rudder that let the plane to react awkwardly, nose down till it crashed drastically.

ok. to provide some info, the rudder is for the yawing of the plane, aka, turning right and left while in air.  i mean w/o a rudder, (i believe) steering the plane can still be controlled by playing with engine thrust though it requires a heck loads of skill. 

ok, again, idk how to fly a plane, but in theory, it is possible.
besides, there are pilots whom in the face of adversity are able to make awesome decisions to land the plane w/o crashing it. even the flight simulator go against such possibility, but if it happens in actual fact, it happens and hence, its possible.


ANYWAYS, i didn't mean to deviate so much, but the point that i wanted to say is that every detail is important no matter how insignificant it may seem. while doing the little things, most of the time, we tend to over look the big picture which leads us to performing an action w/o intention. the right intention that is.
sames goes to rugby. as how our coach would say, sometimes we do the drills for the sake of doing it and not intentionally to perfect it so that it becomes a skill/habit that can be applied in the actual game.

though we make me the backend of things and ppl may not see our effort, our effort proves a long way. also in relation to the China Airlines Flight 120 where the plane ended up in flames after landing. it was all because of a loose bolt from a slat track that struck the engine (thankfully after the plane landed), causing the fire which engulfed the whole plane eventually due to the delayed response of the reponse team.

just a bolt. a loose one that is, was able to bring down a 737. hahas. realized that all the accidents are of the 737 type. tmd. one of my fav planes btw.
idky, but been quite into reading aircrash accidents lately. maybe its coz of the recent 777 accident. but do u know, one of the contributing factor to where i am now is partly coz of Nat Geo's Aircrash Investigation. would watch it on a weekend after trng. i dont plan to watch but it was at a time when i'm always home from trng and eating dinner. but it got me so so so excited abt planes, wanting to know how they really function and what can ppl do to make flying more safer. is there really a away to pre-empt the prob, rather than finding the solution after a problem occur which has already killed ppl along with it?







ok anyways. HAPPPPPY BIRTHDAY to my (almost could be) 71 yr old father!

teehee.

i guess ever since i came to this world, u never got a chance to blow ur bday candles. if u are around now, i'll gladly return all the honour to you.. haahahs.
mother poon would usually put 2 white candles infront of ur photo on special occasions, pls dun blow out those candles when there's no wind or especially when i'm alone yea... ahhahahas
but yea. another sad thing is that w/o u, our family got one less reason to spend some money on good food or buy a happy chocolate cake with chocolate buttons on it.



ok.
i miss you.

Eh.

Soooooooooooooo frustrated tt im typing this through my phone.

I dun care if im gg to sound unreasonable, but I have to let this out if not im juat not gg to function properly.

Why cant u see my point of view. Nvm.
U tell me time management. But im telling u that u gotta be objective.

At this rate, its wasting time and effort can.

And btw, im still not over my pay issue. Im not as highly paid, and look, CNA just published a news about of fresh grad's idea of pay. My pay is not even half of what the market is expecting; not even up to a fresh diploma pay. (not even higher nitec maybe, though i've got both a dip and deg after all)

ok. Im glad to be given tasks to do. Im OK if I cant claim OT. But least, maybe be clearer?? Or at least, be abit more forward looking and preemptive? dont wait till the prob or worse still, create probs.

Seriously, what is everyone basing their actions on. U want to get things done? Fine. But with baseless assumptions, its just gg to create more problem which leads to wastages.

I know my thoughts may be naive, and not at some form of experienced level. But there are alrdy some cases in which my point has been proven, and y are u not able to see the link? And eh. Im not all that an inexperienced student whose life so far is just spent on studying. I do have my fair share of work experience. Though its not indepth and long in terms of a time frame, but I believe its enough for me to pass some comments in which I think can be taken into consideration. And I secretly think that im more experienced that whoever in terms of aviation experience. 1 yr in attc is not just in vain ok, not even considering ojt experience.

Basically, ok. While everyone is still nice, im just frustrated that we are not as effective as how we can be while im not being well paid.

I dun seek fairness coz the world is never fair, but perhaps cooperation since everyone should be having the same objective righttttttt.

I hope I dont get diluted as I go along.

nobody said it was easy

no one ever said it would be this hard.





ANYWAYS.
lets talk about smth else.






ok. i must have lotsa passion towards Aviation otherwise idk how i can continue to put in such effort in my job. work so hard. do so much OT w/o being able to claim.
not that i like working OT, but as at the 'executive' level, i can't claim OT.
but the prob is that i'm not being paid executively.

i've spoken to the respective dept.
i mean like, ok, fine, i dun have the so called relevant experience in terms of years. but on paper, i'm still a degree holder.  i'm getting paid lower than an diploma fresh grad and i'm not even asking for a fresh grad deg pay. i dun mean to be money minded, but really la. i would really appreciate if u could exercise some welfare through monetary means. and its not that i totally dun have the experience. in fact i do have both the experience, but i guess i didn't sell myself well enough during the interview just because i wanted to be humble.


but dun get me wrong.
the people in my company are very nice people. so far, so good.  hahas. they all treat me very nice and though i totally hate a deskbound job, at least i'm not dreading to go to work. on some days, i still get to go out of the office to the airside, hangars, meet clients and so on. so it's not that bad, just that there's really some paper work that u cannot escape.

and i guess my company is doing me a favour indeed. afterall, i'm still hoping to be an engineer in my dream company and they are aware of it (maybe that's y. hahas). its a matter of time / how bad i feel to leave whoever that's been training me and giving me all the opportunities. and so, its a win-win situation coz while i can contribute because i have both the marketing and aviation knowledge, they are training me...though not at a technical level, but at the business level.
but STILL.
i need the $$$$ since now i'm not delivery popeyes /mac at all.
u know, if u really wanna do the maths, if i work macdelivery full time, i can earn more what i'm earning now. (dun even wanna compare it with my part time pay at MOE. hahas.) and the task that i'm doing doesn't justify the pay slip.

but well, i'm glad that i'm still able to contribute with my limited experience in the related field.


ok. i'm not complaining and i'm fully aware of the consequence if this blog post ends up in the wrong eyes. but i've not disclosed anything here right. neither have i said anything legally wrong or disclose any proprietary info.




and so, that's for the Monday blues.
ate lotsa chocolate at work today coz i just had to. even though the competition is next wk, i need to some good endorphins.


mother poon's been diggin out dad's ec stuff.
idk but some how it seems that she's aware of how i'm feeling. i dun think shes aware-aware.. but as a mother  of me, she would probably have those instincts.



this shall be my motivation.

and really. this year is the year i miss my dad so much.

if he's still around, life would be very different.

my family would be different. 

i mean like even when i was 8 or 9 yrs old, my dad would be teaching me about hammering and drilling arldy. i rmbr consistently hammering his big fat index finger while he's trying to hold on to the nail so that it gets hammered in straight. he would cry out loud in laughter and i would try to focus harder and still hitting his fingers till its all red. hahas.

there's once he allowed me to do it on my own.. then i hit my fingers till it turned blue black. didn't cry, but i showed mother poon whom later scolded my dad and all. hahas. 

a typically wam singapore family i guess. 

yea and every off day, he would take me to the playground to catch big red ants for my ant farm. AHAHS. ikr. wts. ant farm. 

i still can rmbr vivdly his big swollen red-ant-bitten index finger and thumb. all from trying to catch those extended-clawed red ants to put into a tube that leads to the ant farm which belongs to my sister. 

honestly, i wouldn't do that for anyone and my dad loves me more than i think he does. 

my mum tells me thats he loves me more than my sis even. idk how true is that, but i do know clearly remember that i play with my dad more than anyone else in the family. 

i guess the things we'd be playing now would be all the stuff in the big red tool box of his; and definitely, we have more things to talk about now. 

ugh. not tonight pls.

The Scientist

Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry

You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you, tell you I need you

Tell you I'll set you apart

Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions

Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles, coming in tails

Heads on a science apart

Nobody said it was easy

It's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh, take me back to the start.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures

Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science, science and progress

Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me, come back and haunt me

Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles, chasing our tails

Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy

Oh it's such a shame for us to part

Nobody said it was easy

No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

reviewed

today felt unexpectedly much better.
i might have (as usual) underestimated the Grace of God and His ability to assure u peace when you ask of Him.

to give myself some credit, i guess its also nice to know that i am able to recover fast.
falling hard and fast, i should be able to pick myself up hard and fast too.
it took one whole day, but i'm glad that i should be taking on Monday just like ordinary sportspoon.

of course, its not all gone.
but i guess i'm more... guarded? ok. not so severe of a word. probably just careful and not let my emotions get the better of me.

many lessons learnt. as usual.
but i shall not share it here coz i guess its too much of a personal level and i myself dare not say so confidently until the next hit.
but one major take-away i guess is to really know the importance of being able to stand on ur own 2 feet, w/o dependence on anyone.  i mean all christian faith aside and just in practical terms luh. this is kinda indirect, but i guess i should never ever fall into anything or anyone unless right from the start, i am confident of a journey in the long run. of course, one will never know and can never be so sure right. but i guess, some bit of ourselves do have that skill of risk-assessing? idk how to put it, but i'm just relieved that i'm back to normal after sucha hard hit.

ytd i reallly really didn't want to see u coz i know that while being so emotionally unstable, nothing is going to come out right, nothing u say will make sense and nothing i say will help anything. and of course, in that state, i was sure that i wanted to never ever see u again. since u didn't even want a hi-bye conclusion of the friendship, it was legitimate for me to ignore u for life.
and here comes Sunday, in church.
i didn't wanna go as usual, but since uncle asholi was here all they way from Chiang Mai today, i wanted to go down and see him.

i was abit late, but managed to catch the last 3 worship songs. idk if its God's plan or not.. ok wait. yea, it has to be God's plan.. the 2 songs hit me straight right through my heart. and i just felt comforted in my own little corner with the lyrics.

i cried again, but this time, it wasn't out from the broken heart, but its more towards a sense of relief and comfort to know that God's love is bigger than anything in this world.

and when i came in late,
the first song was: You Are So Faithful

Verse 1:
Like the sun that rises everyday,
You are so faithful. Lord, You are faithful.
Like the rain that You send,
And every breath that I breathe,
You are so faithful, Lord

Verse 2:
Like the rose that comes alive every spring,
You are so faithful. Lord, You are faithful.
Like the life that You give,
to every beat of my heart,
You are so faithful, Lord.

PreChorus:
I see the cross and the price You had to pay,
I see the blood that washed my sins away.

Chorus:
In the midst of the storm
through the wind and the waves,
You'll still be faithful, You'll still be faithful,
When the stars refuse to shine and time is no more,
You'll still be faithful,
You'll still be faithful, Lord.

and right next was the song: Simply Worship

verse 1:
I come to You in humble sacrifice
Hear my heart I worship
The cares of life I lay them at Your throne
With childlike faith I simply worship You

Verse 2:
No greater love has my heart ever known
In awe of You I worship
My spirit soars when my heart beats with Yours
Embraced in love I simply worship

Chorus:
Jesus how could I live without You
Jesus I simply worship You

Bridge:
Your love compels me to come
Into Your presence I will run

those in bold were the parts where i felt my broken heart literally cringed.
it was in a good way.
and really, i cannot describe this Faith i have unless u know my God. it may seem unrealistic or rather, man-made coincidences/ self relations, but i choose to believe that its the work of God and nothing can take that away. even the devil know's likka musician can't intercept this if God really wants me to get the message.

and so.
i wasn't playing 100% attention to the sermon.
kept on thinking and thinking and finding reasons for the whole episode.
idk if i've got a conclusion or what, but i know that i'm able to let this go.
honestly, i did think of meeting u tonight, or hoping that u'd ask me down again but i guess i couldn't be so sure.
sure of what? of many things. u might not want to meet me. and i still have that fear that it will just be because of me wanting to meet u and so u wouldn't want to meet. whatever it is, the outcome of my requests will always be taken into a negative light. so i gave up, again.
it wasn't because i was disappointed in u or anything, but the bottom line is just that i didn't want to risk the chances of me getting hurt. besides, u'd be tired from a day's shift and i guess u should get some rest though many a times u think u dont need it.
i know u will be reading this. but really, sometimes u need to ask urself some questions and it's not always just about me.  i cannot dictate ur thought processes neither can u criticize mine to such a level because in both ways, we are not each other and we have no right to say that we know what's best for each other.

i've long ago ran out of reasons to deal with u because there are somethings that u urself need to deal with it urself. its not that u dont know, but i need to face it straight. its not because i'm choosing to abandon u and leaving u in the lurch, but i do trust that u have that ability to figure it out and believe in it. i've probably unknowingly explored it with u as u may have suggested, and i do have my own understandings though they are just rough inconclusive conclusions.  i rlly dont think its some mental illness or however devastating u might wanna classify it under; i just think that maybe, u should stop thinking so much.
idk how to put all my thoughts and understanding into a nice concise and accurate presentation of the everything, but all i can do is to just pray for u and continue to give u the time and space u need. and in that, i just hope that its not going to be taken against me again.
i dun have to explain this coz i guess u should understand what u are talking about.

but whatever it is, i have to give this whole episode a close.
its not a pretty decision. but its at least a decision.
i can only say so much, and do so much.
however u want to interpret it, its really up to u.
even if u say that everything is all because of me me and me, ok, i accept that because there has to be reasons which surfaced from ur own perceptions in which, i can only say that i'm oblivious to.
whatever it is, thank u for this ride thus far.
i'm not banking on anything in the future with regards to this friendship in which both of us struggle alot to find its equilibrium, but i'm probably sad to lose a good aviation friend.
who knows, we many end up as colleagues one fine day.
but i dun wanna think about abt anything of such for now.

and i also guess that it's not safe for me to say that i want this friendship back. not because i dont want, but because i'm sure that u are also not confident in this. confident of what? only u have the clear definable answer and probably, i'm the one u can put all the blame on if u wish. i'm not being sarcastic here, but i guess as a girl, i may have accidentally send the wrong signs and signals in which, i shouldn't say i regretted it, but i guess i need to learn to practice more self control. i'm pretty sure by reading this, u're drawing all kinds of reasons/ excuses in ur head, but really, it doesn't matter anymore.
probably right from the start, we're already on different pages of the book. same book, but just different chapters that can never meet.

oh wells.

it just felt so.... clear this morng. not crystal clear, but clear enough for me to get on with life and not be so affected by this.

and, i saw (the other) u in church today.
its not every sunday that u're in church, same goes to me.
and since i've smsed u a highly weird and random sms the day before, i guess it gave me more reasons and that subtle courage to just be random. and so, as he walked pass by, i was able to say "eh! sorry sorry. paiseh ah." and we both laugh it off. and he was also being normally casual about it and i just felt so...... thankful. idk how he could do it, but that was it. it was probably the first time in yrs that we've communicated face to face, though it was less than 10sec, it was enough to put my troubled and very jumpy heart at ease. of course, no form of hope was ignited, just thankful that at least, communication was possible.

and with that whole episode + the sms + the reponse... i can only conclude... give up & let go.
i guess its time to realize that i'm unable to seek any form of close relationship with a guy. most of the time if i see them as a bro, it gives them reasons to think otherwise. and if i should see them as sometime more than a friend, not the bgr kind, just closer than friends kinda friends, things might just take flight as much as both of us dont want it to.
is human nature really that hard to control / be at a achievable constant?
how long can platonic friendships really last?
i dun have answers neither am i interested in finding out.
and as mentioned earlier, on my part, all i can do is to just take more effort in being aware of my actions/ words. idk how i'm going to do it, but i just wanna commit everything unto God.

on another note, a Boeing 777 crash landed at LA last night
):
idk but it was the first time i felt so much for an aircrash. hmmm. idk if its coz of the melancholic emotion i'm dealing with right now, but i think its coz of the closer understanding i have for planes now. what's more, its a boeing, and its the triple7 and its also where my job deals closely with this fleet of planes.
the aircraft fell short of the runway. nothing should be concluded until further investigations, but some say ILS not functioning, pilot error and so on. i mean if the ILS is not functioning, there's still the DME or at very least, ATC's help. ok. i dont know much about flying, but it's still a Boeing with all kinds of systems for redundancy. i guess its just a case of miscalculation and realizing the error too late. let's wait for the investigation report. but meanwhile, condolences to e family members of 2 who perished and many more who are seriously injured. ): also, may all personnels involved work hard to get this solved and find good time/rest management.

And on another random note, Gordon Ramsay lost the battle with the hawkers in Chicken Rice and Laksa cookoff coz its literally out of his league. Hahas. But he won the chilli crab one coz this one is Jumbo's one and hence in the same league.
Random. But I just wanna note it down here coz im proud of Singapore and our awesome hawkers whom we have always taken granted for.
#asianpride.

Ok.

sigh.
i've said so much.
reasoned so much.
but i can only do so much.
and hope so much.

i can never be sure of tomorrow, but i do know its a Monday, and the sun is going to rise from the East. kill me if it doesnt.
whatever it is, i just want to be back to myself.
i dont want to hurt anyone, give anyone wrong signals, and the list goes on.
idk what's on ur mind right now, but i can only come up with a blank page for myself. too much or too little is never going to be right. i can't be so sure of anything, and neither can u.

and after saying so so much, i can also conclude that i've ran out of a plan.
not that i'm not capable of one, but i dont want to plan anything on this. its not the same as hope though.

but one thing i can be sure of now is that, i am going to slp.
good night.

go away.

so freakin upset now that i just wanna rot my life away.
i know u will be reading this and if i could, i'd find ways to block u off this space.
i dun even want to vent my frustrations out here coz i want to lock u away but i still need this space as it is.



u've really done so much damage this time and we're not even at a stage where our lives should mean so much to each other.
i'm not even expecting anything.
its ur freaking bday and as ur friend, i wanted u to be happy. period.
but idk how and y u could freakin throw everything so off the tangent.
whatever is said here is just going to be against me from ur point of view but f care. i can't be bothered with how u feel anymore since u urself can't find that decency to pick urself up no matter how much time, effort, patience i've tried on u. i'm not even asking for anything in return but seriously, u are just not being cooperative to help me help u.


calling u selfish doesnt do justice to the damage but i do know that u dont mean it.
see. even while being so bloody angry, frustrated, i still want to put in some form of understanding which i feel that u actually shouldn't deserve.


i thought a good night's of sleep was able to let it go. but when i woke up, i realized its still the same and idk what i've been doing the whole day. no, i'm not thinking of u or hoping that u are well or what coz it doesnt matter. right now, i deserve some peace and comfort which i can't seem to find from doing anything at all.



in all of that frustration last night, it gave me 20sec of courage to msg the other u who have left me 7 yrs. that one msg i've been desperately trying to contain it behind these walls.
last night, that's how massive it was, finally being able to push through the walls and start putting those cloudy words into concrete pixels and then finally clicking 'send' after 7 long yrs.
and when i woke up the whole day, i regretted it, but quite glad that i still did it coz now i f.i.n.a.l.l.y do have a rough understanding of this whole leftaloneissue when u replied me 12 hrs later. and so, it adds on another slash over the open wound and i feel like i've fallen 9084092839 miles down.
killed, but stabbed in and out, again.


everything felt so numb since i think i'm worthy to be called an experienced one with the heartache. but some how as i continue to channel all my thoughts here to these typing fingers, tears are streaming down w/o permission from my heart. i dont want to wallow up in self-pity her but i really dk what i'm done to deserve all this shit.


all i wanted was a simple friendship.
but u who wanted more give so much reasons to take it further. i tried to work things out but u took it so offensively.
at this point, i should give up trying to accept ur point of views. but even when i do, u still continue shoot back at me as if its my bloody fault. give up or no give up, its makes no difference. and so, i've decided to painfully abandon u in ur own well, but again, i've being thrown with guilt all over again and it really shouldn't be like this for me.


to say i care so much for u is an understatement.
u've pushed me to a vantage point that i've not explored before.
u've thrown me to an area that i dont want to deal with. its not that i've not explored before, but its so much deeper down than how i can define that such a depth is even possible.
and everything becomes my fault, my actions, my heart, my mind, in which, all of these i still dont see what i've done to deserve it.



the only proud thing out of ytd was going through all of my plan A B Cs to present a light-hearted gift for u since it was a day to rmbr ur life on earth. honestly, i'm not a bday person. i dun rmbr bdays. not even my family's or even father poon's. i dun even like celebrating my bdays coz like u, i feel that is just like any another other day on earth. but, i just wanted to use the opportunity to cheer u up. but hah, u took it offensively. i dun even know how u could do it to an extreme scale like this - just evolving from a light hearted and harmless gift to this.
i proudly had to call myself a talent for some form of consolation because w/o me knowing the details of ur address, i managed to locate ur unit by jig-saw puzzling, permuting and cross-tabbing all the clues from whatever sources i could mentally fixate from. and i thought u would be pleasantly and positively surprise.
yea. surprised indeed.



i cannot say i hate u now coz its out my league to hate anyone because u are after all a creation of God.
but i just dont deserve all these.
its not like i've betrayed, stabbed, suffocate u or anything. i dont even expect anything from u. all i did was try ways and times in moments to hopefully spurr u on in life and lead a positive one, everything in ur light. but to u, it seems that it was all for me just cannot see if from my pov. so am i right to say that i shouldn't want for u to be happy since making u happy makes me happy and i'm denied of such a privilege? is that what u really want? and when i ignore u, give u space and time and all, i'm being selfish coz its all for myself?
im just so, so amazed that u of this age and experience can come up with such conclusions.


my exhausted heart has probably reached its inverse-peak. u've successfully brought it down to ground zero. ok, no. maybe right deep down into the fiery core of this earth, allowing me to realize that this is the world, this is reality, so, welcome.
maybe i'm just too naive in thinking that platonic friendships between one boy and one girl can exist.
maybe i'm just too naive in thinking that guys wouldn't like a girl who's a tomboy and doesn't wear a skirt.
maybe i'm too naive in allowing my low self-esteem to supply reasons to be myself.
maybe from this on, i shouldn't be myself.
i shouldn't be nice.
ppl take it wrongly
ppl start expecting more.
ppl are not thankful.






i'm not seeking any form of appreciation, but i would be more than glad if u could not hurt me like that.






i dun care who's reading this space right now
and i dun think i want or deserve anyone's comfort.
its not that i dun deserve or think that i dont need it.
but i just think that i should manage this on my own.
since its all about me allowing u to hurt me right from the beginning, i have all the responsibility to wake myself up from the depths and shift my focus on things that matter.
i started this emotion and i should jolly well be able to surpress it.



right now, the shift should be towards my job.
my pay is like shit.
everything's not justified.
and i dont want to go into the details.
but still, its an opportunity to learn and give back.




this world is unfriendly and i should have known right from the start.
everyone is plastic and only finding ways to satisfy themselves.
even the nice ones cant be trusted because everything is for self-preseveration and own benefits.
helping one another makes u feel good. and so, just because u feel good, u help others.
no one on this earth can be trusted.
and though it seems that everything i say is out of the fit of anger, i choose to believe this to protect myself. and its not likka 1 time off experience. it repeats like an alarm as if i'm choosing not to accept it.


i've met so many kinds of people in my life and i can say that as a conclusion.
not even the christians can be trusted.
its human error. no one is perfect.


i've got one night + one more day of weekend before Monday comes.
and when Monday come, i should rightfully expect one thing: for me to be back normal again.
not just back to me, but back to a stronger and realistic me.
by then i should be able to manage the ups and downs, not letting it go out of the graph paper.





i dun think i wanna change the intention of being nice to people even though..... omg. f it.
enough miss poon.
get a grip.







-



everything it prayer.
and dear God, i just wanna commit everything to u. my ups my downs, i wanna lay them at Your feet.
pls do as u will as i've always been trusting with this. i wanna cast all my cares and burdens upon u because its only u who can deal with this. its only u who will not fail and be there for me even when i chuck u in one corner thinking that i can manage it on my own. thank u for creating me and loving this creation whom u've given all the freedom to do what we like even if it breaks ur heart. thank u for not leaving even when i always fail u. pls continue to guide me be that helm of my ship. let me be ur vessel for Your love and not mine. All love comes from u and human will continue to sin against u.
and even as of now,  i do wanna pray from him. i will trust u because ur plans are never to hurt us. even if it does, its because u've planned it with a goodness out of it that we may not see nor comprehend.
thank u for watching over me and my family and i just wanna thank u for this wkend.
though the world may continue turn its back on u and continue on with whatever they think its right, i pray that ur Will and love will shine through. even the devil knows that and he'll continue to abuse it.
and in all things, i pray that i can put u First in light of wwjd so that my actions won't be of human error but of God's love. thank u once again for hearing me despite me now seeking ur Word.
amen.