2 years ago right now at this time, i was sitting at our place, waiting for ur break time to come out just so we could talk like how we always so under ur void deck.
i rmbred i brought my laptop along, to try and get some work done since it was during the same season when exams were fast approaching.
i was figitive. jittery. apprehensive. nervous. excited. yet feeling comfortable that i was gg to hear ur voice again.
i rmbred how i was rational about the irrational decision to ride down all the way just to have a chat with you- coz we just felt the need to.
it was after a collegue's wedding. i was tired. i had abit (within legal limits) of alcohol in the system from all the toasting during the wedding. i was home, texting you while u're at work. i was still in my black top and black skirt-shorts kinda thing for the wedding. it was about 1am.
we missed each other.
we didn't say it. but we knew it and we felt it.
but we knew we couldn't say it coz we were so aware of our own personal struggles as individuals.
i felt like you were the one only who could untie the knots for me then while i naively felt like you allowed me to tread in your dark valleys.
hence, i made several u-turns after riding off my bike from my cp.
i think it was at least 3 to 4 u-turns at various locations.
i was afraid that we could be something together, like really take all these feelings and baggages and move on knowing very well that i wasn't ready while u weren't sure.
i wanted to, but i really know full well that i shouldn't have met you on that day.
perhaps its that few glasses of wine that let those walls come down and soon enough, i was on PIE (changi), riding at 60km/h coz it was cold and i was still wasn't sure if i was doing the right thing in life about my life and about ur life.
pity that i didn't blog about all the emotions then. it would be interesting to be now reading all those feelings then. i guess while i had you with me all the time (over text msges) i didn't need to blog / use here since you had my heart in the warmth of ur hands. good days or bad days, i'd turn to you. i didn't need this space coz u were my space.
but back at it, 2 yrs have passed exactly and i'm still relatively clear of what was going on all over inside even with that anti-diuretic agent from the alcohol still in me.
it turned out to be an important day.
in my opinion, it really shouldn't be that definitive since nothing was said or decided about our lives and path/s ahead. but then, all that feelings could be summed up into that one tangible friendly hug of departure. it was a normal friendly good bye hug since we're both so busy to meet with our clashing schedules. but because it was just so warm, so affirmative, so defining, i agreed to ur definition of the beginning of us.
i guess u wouldn't like me to share our moments we've had on public space. but i guess u couldn't care less anymore. nothing i do, have done, have been doing, or doing right now has an impact on u since it was clear from u that i am of no significance to ur life anymore.
it still hurts very much.
i'm still at the airport, with my emotions being bigger than my physical tiredness from today's mornging shift. i've been in the airport for at least 20 hrs now, but everything rational is being overwritten by thoughts of you. again, i'm supposed to be writing on aerofoils and pressure distribution, but i just cant focus like this.
despite sitting here in the open public space, very much 24/7 in operation, i cried a few times. each time i do, i'd zip up my hoodie. coz i'm alone, and there's good policemen patrolling around, and i dont want to be seen crying in a place like this.
aerofoil aerofoil aerofoil. 1/2 rho v^2 S CL. and then, you.
i try to focus on the science of this heart break.
emoness, like any one of those signals being transmitted between synapses, which can in turn, bring about a voluntary or involuntary bodily reaction. but emoness, how does that transcend to a physically aching heart? i mean like take for example when u're hungry. the empty space in ur stomach makes those cillas/ glands feel empty. the acidity of the stomach juices being produced on the stomach walls causes hunger pangs. ur brain gets notified that u're hungry. so u'll go and find food. but emoness? caused by u. how does that work?
u're an external factor; unless i've internalized you? haha whuttt. it may sound wrong actually, but no. haha.
like even now as the sciencey part of this post has elevated the emoness of this post, my heart still aches. its not just a figure of speech. i really mean that my heart is physically feeling the pain.
each time i think of you like this, especially on such ex-big days, it's just so painful altogether.
does a sad thought literally pull a heart string / muscle fibre in the heart? does the signal send subtle shocks to those places? what really triggers?
like you know, pain felt by the body is actually a signal being sent to warn / caution ourselves to be careful and stop doing whatever that has caused the pain coz it brings harm to the body.
so, thinking of u makes my heart painful. does that mean i, my body is telling me that i should stop thinking of you for good?
i mean like, i miss my dad. i miss him alot. when he passed away, i felt that sharp pain in my heart. many years have passed and i no longer feel pain in my heart when i think of him or when i miss him. i miss him real bad on tough work days or nights, but i dont get such physical pain of the heart anymore.
perhaps its only 1 year that we've gone our separate ways. but how long more do i need this time? another 10 years? in life, we technically dont have many 10 years to give.
i guess i should be thankful that as of now, i've given 4 years of the life span of my heart to you?
everyday i've been thinking of u, and its not an understatement. its a fact... like ever since we started dm-ing on twitter, u were very much in my thoughts, especially on those few months when we unspokenly left a gap.
looking back, perhaps i was just wrong about you. perhaps u say all those words to every other girl u've been in a r/s with.. those "you're the only one that make me feel this way", "i love you because you are you" kind of words without actual weight.
perhaps, the rational side of me should have asked.. "in what way?" i bet u couldnt answer then coz there's nothing u love about me.
actually, we had this coversation before.. i still fondly rmbr when was it. it was when u welcomed me home from montreal and we had our first dinner/meal tgr. after that we went to t3 viewing gallery to do what we do best- talk about stuff in our lives. it felt warm though the aircond was so cold and i was feeling tired from the long haul flight. i rmbr u told me that u liked me for my loyalty, and to quote 'i like how you can challenge my thoughts'.. i but that was about it. i guess u couldn't live with every other thing about me and u couldn't handle the challenge eventually. ahahas.
u were subconsciously comparing me to society's norms of an ideal girlfriend since i myself was a perfectionist to be begin with. and i guess in those yrs, u were really trying, but i just wasn't enough. u wanted me probably also for ur own selfish reasons. so in the bigger light, i was the selfish one because i occupied too much of ur time. hence since time is limited, everything else, like time for our own families, for each other families' became real issues.work and sch didn't help. ur tennis and my rugby didnt't help.
our time spent together just made everything worse.
also because u were tired while i was seemingly forcing u to be happy by actions and intentions.
how naive i was then to think that u valued our time together.
how naive i was then to give in so easily.
how naive i was then to think that u really love me for who i am.
how naive i was then to think that u needed me to complete your life
how naive i was then to give up and sacrifice so much for you just because i thought it was worth it
how naive i am now to still love you so unconditionally.
so damn bloody girly all these issues.
icannot.
like really cannot.
the only solution is to just reconcile all these heavy thoughts and feelings about u. i read on somewhere that instead of fighting with urself to stop missing someone, just carry on. dont resist. dont resist the fight. its ok to miss someone, just dont let it affect your life. learn to reconcile with it.
i am trying.
but it doesn't help knowing that u've used my feelings while i lied to myself. it has really shaken my perspective on life and perceptions of people. like these few months, for some reason, i've been assigned to do SKH. each time is that reg, my heart twtiches abit. like today, i did her; or maybe i should call that particular ac a 'him'. hahas so messed up man, just like u. hahhaas.
now, its 02:47. around this time 2 years ago, u had to go back to ur aircraft.
i still rmbr how sad i was to depart from ur presence each time. even when we're tgt, even when we do coincidentally see each other at work, i'm surprised that found departures so hard; all that crazy butterflies while trying to be professional with our tasks. on some occasions, i rmbred i teared coz i missed you. like wth, i was with u less than 5mins ago. but oh well, from a time frame of 5 mins, its almost 1 year now. it only can get better right?
i guess i should head home now, and hope than next year during this time, i wouldn't realize that its 12oct.
