i lost more than just my phone

in the midst of picking myself up and thinking that nothing can get any worse, my phone got stolen today. and i mean stolen. not lost.
so after night shift, i went to sheng shiong to get some grocery since mother poon is not around for this week. i got a basket of stuff before gg to the bread section. i checked my whatsapp and texted a few ppl. to free up my hands to pick up the basket, i slip my phone at the right hand side pocket of my bagpack, before heading to the milk section. i put the basket on the ground, and reached for my phone. then it wasnt there.
ok, i thought i misplaced it. perhaps after night shift, i wasn't really aware of all these subconscious actions that i'm taking. so i searched my pockets, my bag and the no more than 10m of distance of path that i walked. then i realize, siao liao, really nothing. i started to panic a little, but telling myself to keep my cool so i can analyze better. i asked a few ppl for help to lend me their phone so i could call mine... 2 ppl ignore me, then even the sales promoter didnt want to lend me her phone to call my phone asap. abt 5mins had passed and i know time is of essence. so i asked the sheng shiong staff. 2 of them were quick to respond. one started calling my phone- it was ringing. it was a sign of relieve though. perhaps i really misplaced it. so, 30mins passed. it was still ringing. by then abt 4 staff were trying to help me find my phone, while another one when up to check the CCTV coz there was a chance that someone might have taken in since no phone could be found in the vicinity.

45mins later, one of the kind staff whom had still been trying to call my phone to me that the call was switched to caller id mode. that was the turning point. someone had stolen my phone in 2 f****** minutes. 2 mins. the cctv guy was notified and came down to tell me what he saw. he reviewed a few footages and told me that there were a few blindspots in that short 10m distance. so it was then that i had to accept the fact that my phone is missing.

first thing in my head was all the photos and files taken within these few months. i dont really cloud sync my stuff coz its really alot. mostly saved to my SD card. and exams are coming, i have alot of photos and vids of the revision lects and notes my friends sent me during this crucial week.
and all my work photos. and... photos of u. i've been saving/screenshot and whatever photos of u. i know it sounds pervertive, but imu and there's nothing else i can do right.
been also taking photos of the places we've gone and the food that we'd eat tgr all over again.. and now that's gone.

so anyway, i went to the police station to make a report.
they asked for a number to contact me. i thought of giving my mum or sis' no.. but they're overseas now with my bil's fam and wont be back till next week.
so other than their no, i could only rmbr urs.
i felt really dumb, and hopeless. so i risked it (w/o asking for ur permission first) and gave the policeman ur no.
he asked.."whose no. is this?"
i thought that it was a really really difficult question to answer. i dont think he was looking for the name of the owner of the number but rather the connections of me and the owner.
instinctively, "boyfriend" came up in my head. but before the words came out, i almost blurted out "ex boyfriend" but he didn't have to know those details.... but i eventually successfully managed a "friend".
my heart was so messed up then. just by answering mr. policeman qns abt my contact details could have such a tremendous effect. i wanted to cry but fought hard my tears, telling myself that if i really cried, it would really seem stupid crying over a lost phone though it wasn't about that. i really dont want to be judged by crying over spilled milk, which in the closet, i have been- over us.


then i mustered all courage that's left and tried to look professionally calm.. just to use the police station phone to call u. omg. u picked up! i was really v happy to hear ur voice, but i was trembling inside. i asked for ur permission to use ur no and had to explain my situation in 1 sentance fearing that u'd hang up. i knew that u picked up the phone coz the caller id wasn't related to me. i was really thankful that u said ok. but tbh, i could sense that much reluctance and hesitation in ur voice. perhaps coz it wasn't the sweet and tender voice that u used on me over our night phone calls, that made me felt that way; perhaps the sound of my voice was enough to irritate u again.. but then again, i needed to remind myself that i am in no position to ask for ur help anyway. but i really really had no choice then. i couldnt recall any number other than 9815XXXX.

so after all that's done, i walked out of the police station, feeling very defeated by the circumstances. its like.. perhaps God is preparing for the life ahead that's in solitude. this is the kind of situation that i'd have to face with if i was really living alone w/o mum and sis.
other than mum and sis', i dont rmbr estee's nor any of dickson and gang's no. i dont rmbr any other no. other than my house no, my first ex no, and 65410000 which i dont even know whose no. is that that's relating to my job... probably company or airport related.
i realized that in life, i was really dependent on u.
even till now.

so i reached home, feeling really empty.
i logged in my com and tried to log out of all the accounts and stuff coz  i was afraid the thieve might use it to make any illegal transactions and there's really alot of info in my phone since i've been using it for the past almost 2 yrs. i kept thinking of u. then i kept calling u with my house phone. i wanted to ask what to do.... like what did u do when u lost ur phone last year. as i was feeling like shit alrdy, and i knew that u would feel as shit then when u had lost ur phone. but that time, u even lost ur wallet (somemore its relatively new and also a limited edition gift from a friend) with all the i/c and stuff... so i can't imagine how u'd feel then. but eh, at least u had me to give some love then. haha. but oh wells, i guess my love for u didn't have much impact also since i allowed my practical side to overtake all my tlc intentions.

first call, u didn't pick up. then i called again. then i realized, i was using my house phone and not the police station's phone. u wouldn't pick up anyway. i still tried again coz i really wanted to ask legit qns, and nothing about us. but yea, what am i hoping for right.
then i texted u over fb msenger, being apologetic about contacting u and explaining myself that i really had no choice just now.
finally about 3hrs later, i manged to use my replacement SIM card. thats when i finally saw ur msg "Update them (policeman) when u replaced ur SIM card".
again, each sentences out from u ever since, never failed to add in one more slash into whatever bits and pieces of heart i've left. especially when exams are so damn near, with every day, minute and hour so important, i am really struggling in life. and still, i have to deal with this harsh reality- u really can't wait to get rid of me at every opportunity.
really, i dont think i deserve all this. not being in self-pity mode, but in a relationship, it takes two to tango. surely both of us were 'wrong in many ways'. i've hurt u enough, and u've hurt me more than enough for now. there's no way that we can be tgr again, but y can't we just be friends when i've tried so hard.
i've tried to let u go.
i've tried to not let u go.
i've tried to make us work.
i've tried to distant myself as well.
but nothing seems to be working out.

ok, tbh, 10% of my heart was hoping that this ordeal can allow me to have a slight breakthough with u. but this made me realize how much u're still hating me and would kindly want me to cease to exist in ur world. i was really healing well for the past few days, riding on the belief that u dont love me anymore nor ever loved me once ever since, so i could find more self-control to stop harassing u. i really dont hope for anything, but i do have a beating heart that's disintegrating day by day, divining up itself into the smallest of pieces.

now i'm like sitting at our ex-study spot, using mac's new super efficient wifi, blogging this. its alrdy 8.45pm and i've wasted 10hrs of studying time. i mean, i wanted to start studying as soon as i sat down, but i can't with all the emotions that's going through my heart and mind.
why won't u talk to me?
i'm in no position to be jealous with whoever's got to know ur daily nothings... but this is not something i can enable myself to switch on and off right. i really need you right now, but there's really nothing i can do without amplifying ur hate towards me.


sigh. i guess this is another test from God or rather, to help me realize how distant you'd want me to be. well, its just a phone right? time to let go of the hoarder side of me. i guess if i can learn to let go of you, the photos, the memories, i'd be a better person in life also. and perhaps, it'll be so much easier to pack and clear my room for real.
lastly, i still miss you like hell.

There isnt something that was wasnt there before

Recently, i've been reading about the 19 yr old NUS girl who got killed in an unfortunate road accident near my sch. ST wrote abt the relationship between her dad and her and i went on to read some of the post that her father put on FB. The first time i got to know more about this girl was when i read her writings about her funeral when she was alive. Its funny how life works, but i guess at the back of her head, her soul knew the amount of time she had left on this earth.
Then i went on to read about the scrapbook she made for her father's birthday. In this era, it is really so rare to find a daughter that would say and do so love-expressive actions for her dad. The amount of grace and love she have is immeasurable. As i read her words, her sentences seem to keep trying to pull my shattered heart back together. She didnt write about love or anything that was related, she just wrote abt her thoughts. 

Feeling intrigued by this special gem, i googled her name and  discovered one of her uni year 1 assignment which was to blog about her experiences and thoughts about the environment. I really dont know how and why that words about climate change and environmental factors seem to speak to me alot. Surely, it wasnt really what she was saying that spoke to me, but her thoughts and heart-felt concerns about life in general that triggered me.
This girl just had so much love and concern for the things around her other than herself. So much unconditional effort that was uncalled for.

So really, though i dont even know her personally at all, i thank God for her life and words. I pray that her friends and family will recover soon enough to carry on with what loves.

This has forced me out to stop focusing on trying to get back what ive lost, but to focus on the things and those that has always been with me.

----

It has always been on my mind for these several months. I try to be sorry for what i've done and seek ur forgiveness. But the problem is, i dont exactly know what to be sorry about for other than being blunt and for being who i am. Truly, i also tried to be angry or hate you so to alleviate the pain, but i also realised that there's nothing much to hate u about because its really ur choice to love me or not. Its not within my control to enforce something in which u cant do. So in the process, i do (finally) find some subliminal peace with  you wanting me to get lost from your life- to have never existed.

I look back and reminisce on our happy memories, and also to really find out what wrong did i do. But these precious moments soon start crumbling because i realised that perhaps, what we shared wasnt love at all. Perhaps indeed, right from the start, it all along was something what we even told ourselves to be wary of while we contemplated so much before getting together- we might have just been using each other just to fill each other's void.

Right now, I dont really know how to distinguish that from love, but the fog is starting to dissipate a little . As much as we dont really make comparisons, we do. We subconsciously make comparisons with what we've wished or hoped for, including myself. As we try to make those compromise that seems to demand more of effort than out of love, actions or words tend to go otherwise. They lead to overlapping misunderstandings, being tangled up like a ball of thread. Over time, i still dare proclaim that i love you, but perhaps come to think of it, not for who you are as well. I dont like how u treat ppl in certain ways and hoped that u'd be kinder without empathizing with u abt ur past or circumstances. I'd try to dress up with the clothes that u'd expect me to be in when we're tgr, but they werent done out of love but just fear of losing you. That was the fine difference.

Those loving words u'd said to me, perhaps werent words of love but just words to keep me by ur side. I dont think its fair that i should be judgemental with the words u've spoken to me, but it is a fact that right now, u dont wish for me to be in ur life at all despite all my ways in trying to reach you. Clearly, that speaks alot. I almost went right up to ur doorstep but i was so afriad of the high possibility that we could start destroying anything that's even left of us. Your intended silence speaks of the millions of words that u have never spoken nor ever going to say. If its was love, time would have extinguished superfically heated words and perhaps, love could bring us back into trying again to make it for the road again. But if love is just one sided now, like a magnet, it doesnt attract those without that least bit of magnetic properties. And if you could find someone else to love so easily, i dont think i should think so highly of myself as if i really held that special place in ur heart for real.

Like a theme song in Beauty and the Beast, "there may be something that was wasnt there before." -undiscovered love. But for me, its discovering love not discovered.

Today, my heart and physical being is getting alot better from the past few tormenting days. My hands dont tremble as much and my stomach doesnt feel so queasy. i just want to thank God for his grace and peace, especially when mother poon and sis are going to korea for hols with my bil's side for the whole week. Thank God for picking me up just in time before i could sink into deeper depths of loneliness. Also, its good timing that this is also part of the official study week, so i can really drill in the books without trying to find time and make it home for dinner with mother poon.
Just last week, i was actualy afraid that i'd resort to doing foolish things when my home is going to be empty. I wasnt in any condition to accept any incoming challenges. But today, i dont even see it as a challenge to be going back to a unlit home, but looking forward to the time and space that God is providing me with.

Thank you all my unspoken and unseen friends who prayed for me upon stumbling my cries for help. I may know or may not know if u guys existed, but thank you.
This has by far been another tough period in my life that has challenged previous self-proclaimed toughest-period-of-my-life, but i thank God for this acute recovery and i pray for a prolong positive progression. This hasnt been easy at all and i know they will come back and haunt me if i l should stumble.
Hang in there fighter, i know i am still a stubborn fighter and i should keep it along with humility and grace.

" For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God. So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day."
2 Corinthians 4:15‭-‬16

what's happening

wah. i didnt know i am so broken.
been crying so much. i hate girls who cry esp over boys, but i am in this state really.
last night, i cried to sleep. this morng i woke up, its like as if the sleep didnt do much difference. i woke up feeling like really empty. it feels abit like hangover, but pretty sober.

as i rode out, i cried so much. i really dky. its not the tearing kind, but the waterfall kind sia with nose dripping, eyes squinting all. its like something inside broken. i've never experienced this kind of sadness b4. not even when my dad passed away. my hands shake while my stomach churns occasionally. even as i feel like i'm not so emo now, my heart is trembling.


2 days ago i msged a friend of urs coz i wanted to know if u received this notification abt going for this award ceremony. u totally ignored all my msges as usual, but i really wanted to know if u're going, or like if u dun want to go coz i'd be going. not that u'd be affected my presence in any way, but perhaps u hate me so much that u dont want to see me; but i didnt want u to miss the award coz of me. the date of the ceremony falls during the week that i planned to go london a wk earlier b4 sch over there. so i can actually plan to go london later after the award coz i thought we can attend the ceremony- not so much as to have a happy time tgr, but at least have a friend or a familiar face in the crowd.
so anyway besides that, perhaps ur friend was trying to protect  u and all, but it wasn't very nice that she had to judge my love for u. yea, she probably has heard ur side of the story, but she hasn't really heard where i'm coming from. its also between us and there's nothing for her to know also uh. but i mean, i was just hoping she could ask u if u're going. period. i mean, i also dun want to like both of us go then awkward when we see each other.

so i kept msging u like a leech. i really have no dignity or pride left when it comes to you, so i'm just begging u, just like how i begged u to go bromo with us a few days before the trip. oh and then, u finally replied. i think i should be more thankful that u even replied. i wasn't expecting anything, but i also wasn't expecting u to shoot so hard at me.

"Go about with your plans. We're over and as you ought to know i'm not obligated to reply. And also, you're not in my consideration for anything anymore."

ok. i reallly really did not expect that.
now what happen again.
i shouldn't be affected right. but what did i do to deserve this??

let me recap or rather, try to analysis what happen between us.
just the key events.

in august, i initiated the break up. u did not disagree nor agree.
we're arguing so much before that. so after that, we did not talk for a long while.
then again..as with after the usual fights and arguments, we're talking again after the exams. we managed to do spartan, go legoland, go batam tgr and all in dec. i thought we pulled through, like back to norm. like i rmbred that u were happy at the water theme park. it was a rare sight for me. perhaps its also coz finally all our exams ended and we could take leave and spend some time tgr finally.

then we argued in dec again.
then u said something like, "i thought we're over long ago. it was crystal clear in august".
tbh, i was really hurt. like, after all these months, i was trying and u mean we werent tgr? all the things we did and happy times we had in batam.. what were those??
i felt really cheated.
that perhaps u were just using me. but then again, who am i to question that since i initiated the break up right? but GDI, u didnt fight for me. no, i did not initiate the break up to challenge or threaten our relationship (which is what ur friend think). i just think we needed a time out. we're at a point where the both of us weren't thinking straight. we're just so defensive against each other that nothing came out was right, of course, i was that also. u were too. so i think time out to cool down b4 talking would really be a good idea.

so eventually in jan or smth, over whatsapp, we agreeed to go our separate ways. it was relatively peaceful though clearly we werent happy about it. i felt relieved. coz with u, i was really under alot of stress and pressure and i had no one to turn to since u're the #1 guy that i'd turn to if i faced problems. estee's not around and i wouldn't want to call her all the way and all. i did have that thought probably as friends, without the pressures, we could work things out as friends first. perhaps sch and work is taking a toll on us also. timing is just not right.
so yea, other than working things out, u also had to take my shit. but, YOU AGREED that we could be friends. i even asked if u're ok with me texting. u said ok. so though i've lost you as family, i thought i could selfishly kept u as my friend. and i was really glad that u're ok with it.
and after that, we were texting just fine.


then in March. suddenly ur texts became so cold. then i asked what's up.
then i realized u were ignoring me.
what's up man.
so i asked if u're seeing someone.
u said yes.
of course,with all the feelings i have for u, i broke down and cried like mad. but i'm also glad for u, coz at least u found someone who can take ur shit better than i can. and hopefully, u can be a happier guy and lead a happier life.
but u really didn't have to me so cold towards me.
i didn't do anything wrong other than... being myself? asking for a break up? u think i'm not sad? and i guess since u didnt fight for me, u've also given up so i shouldn't be forcing u to love me again if all along, i just wanted happiness for u right.

but if u didn't want it, why didnt u say or like talk? then i should assume u want it also right. so now why this? y are u treating me so cold. y are u torturing me? i still need you though u dont want me anymore, cant we just be friends?
i wanted to have a proper talk with u but it seems that everytime we try to talk, we'd go into some arguement- off topic. i want you to open up. but u wont. u have never opened up to me. never. each time i ask, u'd say something else and say im defensive.. after all, i am still girl and i am sensitive so pls dont do this, i just want to know how u feel. but if u wont say it, i wont want to force it in which we'd be arguing again, and i'd show to be defensive again.
again, i didnt initiate it to gain attention or what coz this kind of thing cannot play. i have tried to gain ur attention in other ways but i dont do this kind of stunt. and if u're ok with it, i guess its all cool right.


today, i watched Avengers with my collegues. i didn't want to go intially, but one of them got called up for work so i went. as i walked to the cinema, my hands started shaking again. my stomach feeling queasy. then i wanted to cry. its the first movie i'm watching without u. feels weird. its also the first movie that i'm watching with my friends since we got together. but my friends were there and i cant cry just like that. so i tried distracting myself by looking around, reading ads and signs and all.
Avengers was a nice movie. while i was enjoying the movie, somehow that sadness was lingering at the back of my head. i teared for a moment in the cinema, but i know i can't just cry like that.
i held it in.. until movie ended. controlled it. till i got on to my bike. then on TPE, all the floodgates opened. soon, i realized i was on tamp ave 10 and i have less than 10mins to get my shit tgr before i reach home to mother poon. just before the turn in to the carpark home, i stopped my music and really had to mentally force myself to stop my shit and be normal. really, its those moments that 'you're only strong when the only option is to be strong'. i walked to the lift, fumbling for my keys and managed a normal sportspoon home. i knew my eyes looked not right judging from the amt of crying... so i quickly went to bathe. hopefully bathing will wash all that shit away.

i prayed to God for help.
hahahd. and indeed, while bathing, there was a flying cockroach. i was bathing halfway sia. i just wrapped mys soap-covered self with the towel and ran out, shrieking for help. mother poon came to the rescue and i found that i was normal. like normal to be scared, normal to be screaming for help and all. not emo at all. so thank  God for that help, though its sad that the cockroach had risked its life as mother poon single handedly flushed it down the toilet bowl.


really.
and that 2 days ago, after studying, i wanted to go home, i realized i couldnt. i kept on crying. i sat at the sports complex there, looking at the moon, thinking what i should do. tbh, it was very dangerous coz i knew i something wasn't right. i was almost suicidal. its really... unraveling that a logical and practical marian would be in this state. i too was surprised at myself. i was actually looking at the tall HDB infront of me and had to use another voice to tell myself to snap out of it. like wth am i thinking. i sat there for another hour or too, before dragging my feet home. as i was waiting for the green man, i was looking at the cars. i was thinking, if i really wanted to do this, it would be highly selfish for me to get someone into trouble for dashing out of the road like that. i was like having 3 voices in my head. one in that consideration, 2nd to tell me wtf am i thinking. and 3rd voice telling me to be my practical self to snap out of it, coz it would do anything anyone good. there isnt any good that's going to come out of it and mother poon is still very much alive and would need me, just like how i still need her.
it was tough. i took super slow and small steps home. i didn't know where to go or what to do, but i just had to head home normally.
at home on my bed, the usual crying to sleep again.

now after the cockroach incident, i feel like ive got some new found strength left to be thinking straight. i think i really need some professional help. but i really dont want to go into that phase when i'm fighting for time to study as my exams are in 2 weeks. its probably a risk, but i guess i got this.
i really know i'm stronger than this and i am sorry to say that i'm challenging my faith in God now. now its really not the time to breakdown or anything coz this semester is really the toughest by far. i really hope to channel everything to studying. but somehow, this seems too great for the textbooks to handle.

really, i still want to have a calm talk with u.
no, i dare not ask for us to be trying again.
yes, i still love you, but i'll love you by not having u. loving u does not mean to have u. ur friend may not understand it, and i dont think i should force my thinking on u; but u cant stop me from loving u.
it'll be great if we can work out together. but with all the work and sch and heated arguments, i dont think its the time and we're both too scarred to be trying again. too many misunderstandings.


i hope to be better really.
there's too many negative vibes. and again, i removed u from my ig coz i dont want u to be seeing me post all those emo stuff of u since we've decided on going separate ways. perhaps it was selfish of me to do so, but its coz i still care for u. of course i'd want u to know how much i missed u, but u wouldn't want that also. i really had no choice.
i know u wouldnt be reading this coz by now, its clear that somehow u hate me so much. i really duno why. i feel really sad really. i mean, i was trying. perhaps it wasn't enough, but how can u be so mad at me if i can't meet ur expectations right. sorry if i spoke my mind, but i cant lie about my thoughts. i can't say what u'd want to hear other than the truths. perhaps, i'm sorry to be blunt. i am still trying to work on that.

so if there's anyone who is actually reading this and u have a way to contact him, can u get him to read this? i'm leaving it to God's call. whether he would bother to read this is another issue also. but pls dont inform me that u've texted him or anything coz i dont want to be hoping or wishing for any reaction from him be it good or bad.. and if u really text him, pls be nice, tactful and polite coz i dont want him to get the wrong idea. i'm resorting to this coz i have no idea how else to reach to him. i thought of waiting for him at his doorstep but i know surprises always lead to something bad, and i dont want to force anything on  him. but i just want him to know how i feel. i really dont want to be misunderstood, and yes, i hope that we can attend the ceremony tgr as friends and not be awkward in a sea of strangers.i dont want to breakdown also if i see u. pls help me out? promise. last request.

and lastly, if u're really reading this, i'm sorry for being blunt and not knowing what's best for us when we're together. i just hope that we can be friends again. will u be able to tell my why u're so angry and hate me so much? pls tell me, scold me if u have to, but pls dont say that its none of my business. i know its really none of my business but i really cannot stop my feelings for u and u cannot stop me from loving u. i still care for u alot, but saying that, i'm not asking back for our relationships as u've told me that u've given up long ago. i know i've hurt u, but i'm really asking for forgiveness coz i really dont want to lose you totally. i know u're seeing someone so i'll keep my distance. i promise i wont be texting u daily nothings or any work related nothings or jio-ing u for runs and gym sess if u dont want to have anything to do with me anymore. but just for this event that our presence might be involved tgr, can we work things out just for this? i wont ask for more. u know, i still want to attend ur graduation, but i wont ask for that alright. just this ceremony since i'm involved, ok? pls? i'm really begging u.

pls dont do this to me. i cannot take it. i'm trying to have a bigger heart, but i can't let u go entirely so soon. pls? really, pls kh.

I am going mental.

So broken. So lost.
I cant go home like this.

I dont know what to do.
I feel like dying.
I dont even know who i am anymore.

Nothing i ever did was right.
My efforts turned into misunderstandings.
You know how to make me hate myself.

Who are you actually?
What did u really want in the first place?
My love was betrayed.

Our time spent together was a facade.
We fight with each other
But never for each other.

What is this now.
I dont want to see the world anymore.
No, i am not suicidal especially when i think mother poon still needs me.

Good to know that u wouldnt care if im gone anyway.

But what can i really do now?
Give me some practical advices really.
I am going crazy.

each time i close my eyes

each night i close my eyes, my thoughts wander in search of urs.
pulling my blanket closer to my chest, i try not to think about moments with you when i felt secure in you arms. ok, maybe security isn't really the right description for it, but i just felt human warmth, for awhile. its something pretty reassuring as i prepare to battle through another tough day at work and sch.

things can get pretty out of hand each night, mentally that is.
last night, though i was so tired, i didnt sleep till morng shift.
not really a healthy sign, but like i said, each time i close my eyes, my mental has a better focus of a distant you.

to say that u've been in my thoughts everyday is now an understatement.
operating 24/7 like an online server, it doesn't stop, even when i'm doing anything. like working, studying and all. i'm probably getting a better hang of u running through my mind, but like a minimized window, its only playing in the background while i'm doing something more legit on the main screen.

i think it becomes more severe while i'm riding that long stretch home from clementi to bedok, or sometimes from airport to home. i try to main screen the riding part of it, but the riding part seems to on screen saver mode while i try to hold back tears and keep thoughts of you off screen. sometimes i do feel that i'm really putting myself in real traffic danger, so i filter off to lane 3. thinking that it's probably safer, but travelling with slower traffic really gives more time and complacency to let my mind drift off while in constant speed, oftenly with my eyes set on the back of a truck or lorry, sometimes being slow to react to obnoxious filtering in cars.

idk what kind of state i'm in.
but i just got to get this sem right while balancing my no. of work leaves i take for sch.
my mum and family is going to korea for a week or 2 just before my exams, so i guess it gives me more space and time for myself to study outside rather than trying to make it home for dinner with mother poon. and i'm really hoping to maximize optimize all time i have left before the major papers.


by far, this is really the toughest semester in my entire life. other than poly project submissions, o levels and bachelor business exams didn't really challenge me THAT much academically as compared to engineering mods now. perhaps its coz of the limited engineering foundation i have, but with all these calculations and God knows what formula i'm dealing with, its really challenging my boundaries. and now, there's this whole chunk of a unknown-unstable void.


seriously, i never ever want to go back into a relationship with u coz it has scarred me so much and struck me with immense fear because of all the constraints we've unknowingly set of ourselves. BUT, i have enjoyed doing activities with you, like what friends do together. we've had many happy times together for real. but now, it scares me that perhaps, it's all one sided. perhaps u were never really happy to begin with. it really really scares me to realize that perhaps, ur heart was never mine at any one point in time and happiness was just in sporadic fleeting moments.
it really really scares me.

though it's all that's passed and doesn't matter in the future, the memories do linger whether i want it or not since there's so so much heart into everything i tried to do for u, and us.
so for you to abandon ship and be a friend of questionable existence in my life, it really threatens my visual portrayal of reality.
i mean, i guess its also because you've alrdy found someone else, replying my text wouldn't be "socially right" in your context / or would threaten her(as with any normal girl) trust in u for that matter. i really really try to be understanding. but like i've mentioned, i'm losing my state of sanity with each passing day. and while studying all these linear discreet/continuous aperoidic signals, coupled with oxidation, reduction, Tt4, Tt2, thrust, TSFC and all,  it just speeds things up exponentially, with a ceiling limit to allow my body to function humanly even without usually getting that proper 24hr/day sleep cycle.

like a litmus paper changing colour, its showing obvious signs that my feeling-threatened circadian rhythm is shifting its loads to my biologically functioning loads.
my period is almost 1 week late. for the record, my period is super on time like sq flight schedules, with occasional 1-2 day delays due to weather conditions. but this is like... idk, hurricane? the planes are all grounded. nothing's functional right.
i'd probably need a C-check soon. perhaps D-check with legit professional help.but for now, keeping my nightstop checks should serve it purpose, and perhaps, i might make some discovery to prevent any catastrophic disaster.


i never knew i could be like this for anyone. for you.
i've never been into such a broken state. or never knew i could. perhaps coz i'm older and i value things and people more? idk. perhaps its coz of the work-sch loads? idk. perhaps its coz i dont have sufficient time and resources to offload the baggages? idk.
its really interesting though; to realize that i can really love someone to an extent like this, and still be... not enough. i never knew i could love anyone so much, and its only clearer when that person is completely off the grid.
haha. you know, on some off-tangent days, i really really questioned those 3 yrs. i'm so afraid that one day, i'd realize that perhaps, u really dont exist. its all me and myself, living and loving someone imaginary. but thankfully, we've got undoctored photos to prove  your existence. though it may not be solid prove since i could have imagined you out of a frame, i'm super glad my friends have met you, just to justify ur existence in my life.

i really duno if i'm questioning my sanity, but i'm fine.
because, i have Analogue lab test on sat,and Linear Analysis Lab test on sunday, after my night shift. though its mentally wrong to use that to stop this growth of insanity, but least it's useful, just like a stop drill hole to transfer loads radially to prevent crack propagation.

but anyways, if anyone of u happen to read every line and actually understand what i'm going through, or know who i should seek, help me ask for contact- for FREE. i dun want to pay for any treatment actually. ahhas. my limited hard earned money should be spent on earthly enjoyments for mother poon and i for now, rather than on any treatment which i won't come into terms with coz i'm still, currently a logical engineering student. only 1s and 0s. no inbetween.

so yes,
0 to love.
0 to a r/s with you.
1 to friendship with you.
1 to studying hard.
0 to letting my mind wander dangerously off again.
1 to safe riding
0 to additional spending.
0 to emotional instability,
1 to loving you from afar.

hit and run

i just got into a hit and run on PIE(changi), lane 2, about paya lebra stretch.


was travelling at constant throttle at 90km/h on lane 2, slower than usual coz i'm really tired from work and sch and all this emotional shit.
just then, a van from lane 3 suddenly cut out into my lane coz he wanted to overtake this slow moving car on his lane. he was probbly gg about 65-70km/h and just suddenly cut out.

somehow, experience kicked in. either i was too tired to feel  the danger, but i was calm enough to keep tapping on my rear and front brakes (instead of slamming into them), with more pressure in the front. i thought it's all good, but in that split second, a blue comfort taxi hit me from behind.
i think he hit me from the left side so my bike surve out into lane 1. i fishtailed and everything happned in slow motion as the adrenaline kicked in.

from the right corner of my eye i saw a white/pale yellow car jamming his brakes just beside, while i tried go against the forces to pull my bike back to the left. i really i'm gg to get a second hit me from the side. it was too close. i could feel my heart plunging deep down to an unknow abyss with ice cubes rolling down my spline.
i was still fishtailing.
my legs were all over the place, with the right being swung out of position and almost hitting the white car. Newtons 3rd law, so my leg came back strong to hit my own bike. was a hard hit to the side of my foot rest.

i thought i was gg to lose it.  but really by God's grace, my bike managed to keep its balance while taking my time to regain the forward motion on lane 2. in fight or flight mode, i checked my read mirror to see what's going on behind me. obviously knowing that he has hit me, he slowed down tremendously, leaving a big gap behind. the white car on the right on lane one was also so far back.

i switched on my hazard light and filtered to the left to the road shoulder. i slowed down tremendously before coming to a complete stop.
i look back to see if the blue comfort taxi would follow suit. but, he saw me and ... sped off.
WHUT. but with my astigmatism eye, i manged to see his plate:

Blue Comfort Taxi

SHA9178  (or issit SHA9278)

UGH. 1 digit. i would wanna call comfort taxi to make a legit report but i can't get that 1 digit right.
after realizing all that has happened, i regretted not checking out the van's plate number that was infront of me as well.
was just another 10 mins from home.
that part of the ride wasn't emo, but just stone cold.
i reached my cp, and realized my hands were trembling significantly. the ice cubes  in my spine were still there as i fumbled to switch off my bike and pull out the key.
my ankle was swollen by then with some slight bruising, but i wasn't in any physical pain. i sat on my bike for awhile and wanted to cry and let it all out. but amazingly, i was really tired from morng shift and sch, so i didn't want to put myself in that situation while mother poon would be in the hall watching tv while waiting for me to come home. so i just igs what has happened to just let all that out.

i walked to my lift, not feeling the footsteps being effected. i reached for my house keys and was found myself searching for my fingers. trying to grasp on the key for the gate; i took a longer time than usual to do so.
finally opened the gate, i stepped in and making sure that i dont give myself away to a mother who's waiting for her daughter to come home.
i removed by shoes, took off my helmet, put down my bag and sat on the floor, opening instagram and igs my life away.


somehow, i realized my brain was being compartmentalized. while all that was happening, i was thinking of u.
at the road shoulder, i hoped that u were there to put ur arms around my shoulder to tell me its ok or like good job, or take over the riding duty to send me home. as i sat on the floor, i wished u were there to give some warmth to my freezing hands or at least stabilize them a bit. was mindlessly swiping the igs on my phone while i stumbled on one of ur friend's one - with u in it having fun with ur friends. i kept replaying that story just to have that 0.2 sec latest visual of u. was also a rare sight to see u smiling again.

u're not following my igs and my profile is private now, so i know u wouldn't know of this.
but would it make it a difference?
i dun think u'd care about me anyway since u dont even want to be my friend. i had selfish thought-out scenarios like what if something really happened to me. was disappointed that i didn't think about the reactions of mother poon, but i was more concerned if you would bother about my life and death. if i only had a month left on this earth, would u still want to talk to me for the last time? would u take time out to visit me on a hospital bed?
i shudder, and tried to snap out of those illusions.


interesting enough, fb made an anniversary vid of us. so in my notifications, it was smth like "we made a anniversary vid of u and xxxxxx". (yea, of all the people that the system had to choose) its like as if i wasn't broken enough, reality had to hit me. haha. and it was funny that in the choices of photos they used, like out of 5 or 6, i was only in 1 or 2 of the photos, with my face cut off by the square-frame restriction.


sigh. what can i do?
move on and get going with my report coz there's submission on sunday and 2 more lab tests after my night shift on the following weekend.
but for tonight, i need to just let loose abit, watch more tv and sleep more. thank God there's no morng shift the next day.



in every way, i want to thank God for keeping me safe. really. i mean, as my bike was falling side to side, perhaps it's the forward momentum that kept the bike's cg in place so i wouldn't skid off disastrously, but looking at the positions of my handle bars and comparing it with the horizon, i knew it wasn't my own doing. also, thank God it happened after the slope. if its gg up slope, i dont think my bike would have enough momentum to keep going.
i really wouldnt know what to do if i was seriously injured. i mean, it was about 11pm and all the cars around were moving fast. things could have really got out of hand and serious. i've still got work and upcoming exams, now is not really the time for anything out of the ordinary.

i miss you. but that's just a feeling that i will need to get used to for awhile.
there's nothing i can do but to just learn out to emotionally recover fast again.



haha. looking back, u're just like that blue taxi- hit and run.

almost 1.5

today could have been the 1.5th.
seems like forever, but we didn't make it even so.

also today, i might have figured who.
well, from the bottom of my heart, if its really her, i'm happy for the both on u.
she probably needs more tlc from u than me, and she can probably give u more tlc and meet ur needs too.

funny how i actually rmbr our brief insignificant convo we had abt her.
i rmbr the merits u mentioned abt her.
and i also rmbred, though it was a nice light hearted conversation then, i did have that feeling that the both of u will make it nice tgr, even though we're still madly in love tgr then.
i did feel alittle jealous (then), but it sort of felt more like... i really wanted u to pursue the happiness in which u've lost in the past few years. and even on days when i sounded out that i wasn't the one for u, u'd angrily brush me off and tell me not to be silly and all those shit. see! who's making more sense now? haha.

though at that point in time we're trying to make each other happy, deep down and masked under beneath, i knew that this battle wasn't going to be an easy one for us because of our strong simliarities and head-strong differences. u needed someone who could have more love and grace for the cracks and i knew that my love wasn't something u knew how to appreciate, neither did i know how to give the love u needed.

we're both too broken for the many years of relative lengths, but as of now, i wished / hoped that what we've had wasn't just some temperoal fixes for each other wound's. i was sincere in walking the long road with u and i really hope that i wasn't just a stand in for u to allow time to pass. hahas, my heart not that big uh.


well, anyway, office girl. nice, sweet. hearts and flowers. girl.
vs tech. straightforward, busy. too practical. tomboy.
i'm just a tech who can't wash her hands properly and dont bathe in the morng before work also. haha. who am i to ask a always-striving-to-be-a-gentleman boy to love me unconditionally?
perhaps this is y statistcally, it's proven that arranged marriage work out better than those marriages in love. ppl in arranged marriage are forced to have common goals or if not, forced to accomodate and work together for a future together. generations of young ppl like me, have too much freedom of choice, giving rise to subconscious rebellion whether positive or not. perhaps we're blinded with going against the norm since it seems outstanding to do so.



well, tbh, apart from that immense lingering sadness in which i have successfully supressed with my clueless lab report and upcoming lab tests, idk how i am or what i am feeling right now.
'numb' isn't really the word to describe, but thinking of u daily has become like a unconscious daily activity; at least i'm not like grasping for air.

i still want to thank God for loving a person like me. even when the closest person on earth finds it hard to love me, You can love me even though i've placed distance between us. You're always there when i needed u even as i unconsciously push u away with all my earthly routines.
thank You, and i hope one day you'll learn to love Him too because u have so so much to discover of God's love in your life. and i hope that through her, u'll learn and meet of His love, grace and mercy. coz it's only though His love that you can find peace and eternal joy.

just like a passing cloud

there isn't a day that passed that i didn't think of you.. for the last.. 3 years?
i dont have to understand how your heart could change so quickly, but i often question why.
for the past few days, i've been crying like as if i'm not sportspoon. during the start of this tormenting period, i think i cried like 5 or 6 times in a day... even at work and at school. but it was good after the next 4 5 days, coz i think i only cried once or twice in a day. as of now, i've stopped all the tears coz i think the valve for my tear duct has been repaired by constant blasting of hillsongs and other music from Spotify. haha tbh, even when my dad passed away, i wasn't so hopelessly broken. i mean i was devastated after i realized my dad was really gone, but the period of severe grief wasn't that extensive like this. i love you pa.

from the start, i knew that this was going to be difficult, but i didn't expect your feelings for me to be like a passing cloud. it comes and goes just as when u feel like it or when u think u need it.
during the times when we're together, i often fight the feeling of needing you by my side coz i dont want to emotionally depend on you so much. but overtime, u've invested pretty much effort into giving me that support which i dont think i need. now that u're totally gone, i find myself fighting that need even much more.

i just dont get it why can't we be friends at least; or maybe colleagues in communication.
if you're so bothered about it, it either means you still have that bit of feelings for me or you totally detest me and dont want me to have any thing to do ur life anymore. the latter sounds more realistic but it just doesn't add up.

it just feels like my heart is so blind, believing in something which was never there in the first place. or rather, believing in something that is so so superficial. why did i go against my principles and advice from my brain in the first place? why did i have to follow my heart?
love is blind.
if what was was blind, then was that love?
why did u have to love me like that and then take that away in the end?

i knew that throughout the relationship i have changed. but it was according to ur requirements which i've menioned before in my posts earlier. why did i bother to make such trying changes which then went unappreciated before leading to more misunderstandings and ultimately leaving myself in some state of lost identity. so stupid of me, marian.

and as of now, really sad to say this, but i still love you and miss you.
the funny thing i do know is that i will never want to be in a relationship with you or probably anyone else, knowing that it can be so so brittle and challenging,but, i still love you.
so i guess, after all these evaluation, i'm just so broken that:
1. you dont want to have anything to do with me anymore.
2. i can't talk to you anymore
3. you have someone (?)

ok. 2 and 3 is contradictory. i do want someone else who can better meet your needs to be there for you, but saying that, i dont think i should/ could talk to you abt my daily nothings coz u told me that u never believe in platonic relationship (then again, y issit you can talk to other girls but talk not me?). y am i non-existent? ya. i'm jealous. but that's not the point, really.
but yea, ur heart change damn fast, douche.

the point is, i just dont want to lose this friendship.
it really hurts alot.
like knowing i can't be there for you during this tough work&sch period (though u dont need me), or like i can't go and be there for ur graduation at least like what we promised.

we were once working together on the same boat. but now, even though we're struggling in the same treacherous ocean, we're both fighting hard to peddle our own individual boats against the rough waves. while i'm just trying to stay afloat, u're moving on much faster and further away from me; which i guess should be a good thing after all, so i wont be a burden to you anyways.

i hope my valves are sealed tight for now, successfully holding back all these shit. hoping to convert this pressure build up into strength and fuel for my upcoming test and exams though.
i can't fight off this immensely sad lingering feeling altogether, but suppressing it is something i can manage within my ability.
i miss you so so much, but too bad.
i just got to suck it up and hang in there.
there's nothing left for me to do, or nothing i can do for now.

Good bye

oh ok

so you're seeing someone now.
that's pretty fast.
but that's just what i wanted right? someone who can better take care of ur needs.

i thought i died and couldn't die further,
but when it was validated, ten folds.
make that to the power of infinity.

i dont want to qns my worth or what's worth.
but i should just be thankful.
at least this is brutal enough.

i can't help but reading all our past texts. i hope i learn.
words can't be trusted that's for sure. only actions shows.
i dont have strength to go bitter and all alrdy. i guess its good. i mean, we didn't celebrate any occasions other than my birthday. we're either busy with work or sch or arguing with each other. we didnt even celebrate our 1st anniversay. haha. really, i'm not an occassion kind of person. but really?


anyway. i hope to know who's that girl.
i dun think its right for me to want to meet or personally know her. besides, i dont think my heart can withstand that torque also. but i hope to know she's a good catch.
and though fcking broken, i wish u well. u've suffered enough on relationships also. i hope this can be the final one to walk with u the rest of ur journey tgr.
take care.



and to myself,
work hard. study hard. ride safe.
focus on these first, and i guess i should be able to  move on.
i dont have any option also. come on.

edge of the end

i think i might kinda understand why teenagers wanna commit suicide these few days.
like what the media always explains, they just want to end the pain. it's a pretty legit feeling, but its really compelling.
you read stuff like ppl consistently slit their wrist... i dont think its just to gain attention. But if the pain from wrist slitting is less than the emotional pain that the kid is going through internally, why not do it as a substitute right?
the mathematical equation adds up to net total increase in pain; but in difference, wrist slitting seems to be the better option.


no, at this age and with so much life experiences, i'm not contemplating suicide nor any forms of self-inflicting pain. i'm not considering that options too. i mean, i do think about it, like u know, the what ifs. but rest assured guys, i'm old enough to take care of myself or explore other means of escapism like all my sporting activites and stuff.

its really difficult.
sometimes talking to any human can't just be a solution if the kid just doesn't want to open up.
i mean, talking it out.. it really depends if the mind is able to accept that form of off-loading a real off-loading in progress. i know for me, its probably just temporal relief. all i can do is really help myself.
so what does that mean? to be honest, we're always in exploration. i dont have the exact formula sheet for that and i dont think there's ever one to be figured out. there's too many variables, and different outlets suit different needs. running away does aid in some form of temporal relief, but external circumstances do bring you back. it keeps coming back to haunt and devestate.

i dont deny i'm struggling with this break up. but this feeling is so legit.
i always think girls who jump off the building over the guy is so stupid and a tad pitiful. and tbh, as i'm feeling really lousy now, i still think its stupid. other than the fact of neglecting self-love or like any forms of religious beliefs, choosing the fact to end ur life just bring pain to the ppl whom you love (and love you back) so much grief and pain. the difference in breaking-up and committing-suicide is that, the latter is irreversible. i'm not saying that breaking-up is reversible, but in life, we do have second chances; that is if you have life to persue it uh, and that's legit.

we often struggle between what is real and what is not. persuing the truths sometimes may not be ideal, coz if you're in denial, u're just running away from the truths/what you've searched for. its an endless loop in infinity. why bother? what's the meaning of it all?
i know i can love someone to the moon and back, but if the person doesn't want you to do that, what do you do now? haha. honestly, i can go google and read up solutions to steps-to-recover-from-_____, but idk.

if i had knew, i wouldn't be blogging now since blogging is now my emotional vomit bag. more often than not, i try to rationalize, i try to just... figure it out. at this point in time, i do want to give up this search. but ytd i read some of our past whatsapp, then i think of the situation we're in now and like...whoas. its really a drastic change.
its like all those words seemed to be lies. i guess we shouldn't discredit words out of sincere honestly, but i think girls shouldn't cling on to promises-whether genuine or not. promoises brings hope, and it is detrimental when hope is now bleak, or nil.

so i say to anyone suicidal reading this page, u're not alone. see, i'm in the same rut as you.
thank you for reading coz i know i'm not alone. even if i'm just bluffing myself that a suicidal person is reading this page, just know that i'm not alone. just know. dont question. live with that notion.
lie to urself if u have to. constant lying tricks ur brain into processing that lie into that truths. so what if its not real, but if it helps you get through the day, do it if u have to.


if u're considering wrist slitting (but dun want to die), just know that it may lead to death. i mean the obvious outcome is the total loss of blood leading to low bp and heart stoppage if the big vein on ur wrist is severed. but b4 that, you may go into shock (not the emotion, but like into a legit dangerous physical state). so if u think that have ended that whole execution, and successfully think u've gotten over it- u have not. the fact that ur alone is a current fact. and if you've not died (and dont want to), ur wound can lead to serious infection and before u know it, u'll also die.
so guys, wrist slitting is not an option in self inflicting pain.

i got a suggestion and see if u game enough to do it.
if u want to self-inflict pain, go to the gym.
do as many weighted squats as you can. put some more weights to shorten the time taken to reach pain. dont put so much till u can't even squat. i can assure u, if you do like 8sets of 10reps, u can't even walk down the stairs properly.
if u want alone time, go to the track and do some sprints. do like 6 x 100m sprints, with 10 sec recovery. do like 4 sets. guareented that u'll feel better and full body ache the next day. push urself.

see. so many options to inflict pain. so why cut or beat urself up? doesn't do any good as well.
doing these workouts also can probably give u a hot bod. so do it.

i am struggling and i will be still struggling with this in the next few weeks, months, or proably years to come. i'm prepared for that since i know i can't just let go like that. hopefully it doesnt take another 10yrs to see a small gap for hope.


i still love you alot.
being with you is so painful, but without you, its even more painful.
but i'll just have to deal with that since its the most externally peaceful solution. and since it is clear that you dont want me anymore, i should also learn to retreat.
give me time before i can stop trying.

i died

today, finally a reply from you.

not something that i expected,
but i guess its something i had to hope for.

these few months have really been mental. i miss you so much. i do evaluate if we should try again. i dont have any clear answers, but i wished that we'd still be friends coz i treasure you alot.
very bottom line is i just want you by my side, still.

after the break, i tried to cut all comms/ ways for u to find me. i removed ur access to my schedule on our shared calendar, disabled u from following me from ig and all those stuff since u weren't seeing my ig stories anyway; all just because i wanted you to be sure if you wanted me. i was hoping if u'd be able to forget me,
and true enough, you didn't want me anymore.
seems like i've gotten what i wanted right?

good also i guess.
though broken, least i'm glad u can find someone that meets ur needs.
and thank you for the firm reply so i'm not left hanging.

---

the first was "i've lost all my feelings for you."
the second was "my feelings for you died".


idk how i'm coping with this. but really?
"you're special, i dont have this feeling with anyone else before".
i'm refraining myself from saying that they're lies coz my heart felt all the emotions. but for what it is today, it feels like i'm left stranded; like i can't really connect what's real and what's not.
what do all these guys want? do they all really want just that one thing?

and y does feelings always have to be the center of a relationship? what about trust, responsibility, faith, perseverance and all those shit textbook answers? really, since i was like 14, in my opinion, i always feel that if a relationship is just based on something so flimsy like feelings.. how do couples live together till they're ripe and old. surely everything can't be all just hearts and flowers. they come with the blood and thorns too. y can't we just deal with them?


tbh, this is difficult. i mean i if i hate u and have stopped loving you, it'll be so easy.
or, if i still love you and can forget my identity, it would have been a whole lot easier for us in the first place as well.  so what's initial parameters for the equations now?
i've never stopped loving my first ex bf, since... about 15 yrs ago? its just that i've learn to deal with that. i've spoken with u about it and just glad that we both had a really heartful heart to heart session while i learnt to manage urs as well. for that aspect, u're really understanding and just want to thank God for such special moments.
but for now, it seems that i have to forcefully add you to this.... list.

i dont know much my heart can take.
as a mildly perfectionist, when i love, i give my all. so i can't just re-coil all these heart strings again. like a rubber band, it looses its elasticity after awhile. and one fine day, it just wont stretch anymore. its something reversible that will, and can change to something irreversible.

glad that i'm not crying my heart out now as i'm  blogging this in the hall, with mother poon watching this funny hk drama. but i can feel this inner strength suppressing this over-pressured valve. the check-valve is still holding everything well inside. its funny how it is indeed a tangible physical feeling that i'm feeling, and not just some emotional stunt. like the treachea is shaking, and my stomach is trembling.  idk if this is a good or bad thing, but i just hope that later when i go behind closed doors and try to sleep for my morng shift, the check-valve doesn't fail.

i'm blogging so much out coz i just want to get rid of everything that's churning inside. i really dont want to flame all my social media or show the world how emotionally painful it is feeling right now.
and i also know tt u dont like me blogging my thoughts out, especially now it involves you. but oh wells, u're not mine anymore, and neither am i urs, so why do i have to care right? besides, i'm pretty sure u wont stumble on this space since u wont be curious if i'm dead or alive anymore.


this is so painful.
cant believe i have to go through this all over again. i thought it's be easier since i'd be more familiar with this feeling. but no uh, its like a multiplexer; everything adds up to 1 loaded line. how long can this wire last before it burns out.
perhaps i should just spend 1 full night crying my eyes out till i dont see any point in being sad. or maybe 1 day. exams are coming, so the challenge is there.


i can feel the eminent fear. like i dont think i can ever open up my heart to anyone.
/where's the good in good-bye. where's the nice in nice-try?
this is wierd. i feel like lost. i dont know what to do with all these emotions.
i just need to study it off. channel it to studying hard. come on, i can do this.

Wallpaper

In the wallpaper folder of my phone, i found this.
Who is this guy?

well, that's easy (for you)

how is it so easy for u to let all these go?
am i selfishly mean to feel like sad?
is this what you really want?

of course it is,
hasn't' it always been?



there's 2 ways to look at it.
one is, you just want the best for me so leaving me in the lurch is the best option and to successfully do it, its means to just cut off all comms.
two is, you just dont want to have anything to do with me anymore. total detest. total loathed. period.


i choose to believe in the latter coz u've chosen to go cold turkey on me by not replying any of my text qns. (if only u could do that to ur smoking habits).
i mean, i've been crying for nights. ok not every night coz i have night shift. but each night when i get to lie on my bed and try to get a good night's sleep, i struggle to just sleep. each time i close my eyes, i feel the emptiness, without u by my side. i try to hug my octi, shark or everything else i could find altogether, but nothing could really replace that feeling of security. (sg so safe, not like i need security right, girl?)
then i freaking cry. u know some songs/ books/ or like ppl say.. "cry myself to sleep". LEGIT.
just that when i cry, i can't exactly cry to sleep coz u're still very much mental-visually there; and i mean like physically arriving my bed at 12am, but eyes still wide open at 4.30am, starting to close soon, only because finally it's still to swell from all that loading.

so, if u still have that bit of heart left for me, u'd probably at least, reply. give me a no or smth. like a harsh  big fat NO in my face. but instead, i find myself trying to accept ur silence and distance as a legit form of response.

quite crazy. i didn't expect myself to be in this state all over again.
took me many many years and (more) sports to get myself out of that pit and now i'm back in again. this time even deeper coz i'm alrdy into sports and i'm like this. the good thing is, at least i have sch and work. i'm trying super hard to not let it affect my sch work though clearly, it is happening.

but tbh, i feel really selfish now? coz i wish that at least u'll wanna talk to me coz u're feel lonely/ sad/ empty without me and all those shit. but nope, u're all good and well. so, why can't i be like you?
sigh. i dont expect u to come back to me and struggle with the relationship again, but i just dont like that i can lose someone (who's still alive on this planet) totally. like everything about you and with u is gone. especially someone who's been so so impt to me, who has been a big part in my life, just like that. its like.. i'm starting to doubt ur existence... what happened in those 3 yrs? was i in a limbo?
who was i really with in those 3 yrs?
is that my imaginary friend?

perhaps, it is!
perhaps all along, u're just a figure in my subconscious thought; only realizing its reality now that in fact, u were never really there in the first place. so i shouldn't feel any sense of loss since u were never really mine to begin with.
perhaps if i stick to this notion, it could elevate the pain abit, since all these is really self-induced?
though it is threatening my sanity towards what is real and what is not, at least it keeps my false stability to an extent.



come on poon.
i can do this and be myself all over again.
hang in there, coz u've already left me hanging,
and all over again.

here and now

online lect today.
feeling tired, unmotivated and mundane.

so this is life w/o u.
itsn't it the same format 3 yrs ago?
but how and y is this so different now?

how do memories function?
their contradicting existence - there, but never there.

how are u?

idk what to do, not that i need to know what to do,
or like if there's anything i should do..
but like. study loh. go to work loh. go to sch loh.

feeling so far from existence now- here but never here
may God's bountiful love fills all the void though i'm so undeserving.
may i get used to this soon.

the back of my friend

and so today, my monthly scheduled backache comes.
i thought of the times when u kept me in ur embrace just to make me feel better though in doing that, there's no beneficial biological attributes to that. and when u give me little massages, my heart cringed each time i felt ur hands on me.
perhaps its the dopamine being produced, sometimes i really feel better though the pain is still very much there. haha and to be honest, sometimes when the pain subsides abit, i'd whine abit more just for ur attention and coz ideservealltheTLCintheworldcozi'mPMSing.

meh.

i wasn't like this.
on younger days, i never complained about my backaches coz i never wanted to let the female menstrual cycle be a problem just because of the egoistic thought that menstrual cycle should never affect me.
i still rmbr i suffered in silence in front my rugby friends... and there's once i reffed back to back games, trying to ignore the pain. and in the 1st half of the 2nd game i reffed (after playing my game, refereeing 1 game and going onto this 3rd game), i just physically fell to the ground coz my legs were just too jelly. i knew it was because of my monthly back problems for the obvious of reasons, but i chose to attribute it to un-conditioned physical fitness level. but funny uh, referee collapse. hahas


so as i break away from studying abit, i'm blogging now just to distract the pain and you.
but looking back, through u, i've learnt how to whine like a girl. though most of the time i feel like its ineffective, i do feel that there's some useless hope in that. haha. at least it makes me look vulnerable and needing some form of assistance in life. hahas

anyways.
its a daily mental affair everyday.
today wasn't so bad coz last night, i went to bed at 0310 hrs for my 0600 morng shift. and today, i have an online quiz that just opened and closing tmr 2355hrs. its 0600-1800 shift tmr, with the SIA bowling league from 1930-2130 so really, my mental capacity has only so much to withstand.
i didn't have proper meals at work today coz of work, but had like 3 cups of ice milo.
no the best of a healthy lifestyle, but least my mind's being forced to be on the move.

i still wonder how and y a person can just suddenly cut off all ties.
u know, for the record, i've never severed any ties with anyone. its always ppl doing tt to me.
even towards my most hated of enemies, i still do respond. perhaps out of kindness, out of whatever principle left or respect, i still do it if i think its necessary. anyway, that's not the point.
the point is, are all the feelings we've ever had, one-sided?
i'm really starting to think that perhaps, u were there all along just to accommodate my undiscovered needs. so all along, its was just reciprocal. u were never really in the chase, never really interested in wanting all of me. from our first meet up, letters, and all those actions that led to milestones.... they were probably initiated by me. and there alas, i started this whole problem.
we ever argued about me being selfish, coz it was always about gg to the places i wanted to go or doing the things i wanted to do...... but u never really said or planned anything. perhaps u did, and perhaps u took my feedback as outright No's, that i can't even rmbr what did u even initiated.
perhaps u never really wanted anything, including me.

i mean like, since its so easy to end our daily conversations just like that,then perhaps its either u were just responding to someone's who's interested, or, u finally decided that i was too damn irritating to be part of or life.
or maybe both.

i dont know.
everyday its just immense thoughts, feelings and scary memories of u and us, but i can't really classify nor sort anything out. i dont know if i love u or i dont, i hate u or i dont, of if i want u back at all. but one thing for sure is, i'm not ready for a person like u.
so what if i my feelings for u are deep? it doesn't really make any difference coz after all, its one-sided! its just like those quadratic equations where there's that one answer that is undefined coz the lines just never meet - yea, i'm in that floating region.

ahhas. i'm blogging gibberish now.
there's no content really, just pain from my back churning up into my fingers typing whatever's in my head now. i can't be bothered what the world thinks of me, what u'd think of me anyway.

haha speaking of which, i dont like to be.... 'social-media-ly noted', but thanks to that episode that my life story became viral, i can actually draw much encouragements from that. (wasted i didn't managed to blog about my thoughts and views then, especially with some innocent war going on with the company policies and i)
but from 1 humble interview which led to a chain of interviews, and to some of which i couldn't respond to, i managed to read some of the comments by... idk.. mainstream public? there's some negative comments coz there's always the haters. hahas. but there's alot of positive comments in which i draw strength and affirmation from.
i really dont like to be in the limelight coz i like to be the backstage worker, but reading those comments really helped me to push on to continue on the reason i started out this journey in the first place.

its like now, my love life is like shit, my pay is like shit, my grades are like shit, my prospect even looks like shit.. but at least in all of these that lead to 1 big piece of shit, i still managed to fertilize some souls on this earth. and from them, i can feel abit more confident in pursing the things we/i chose to fight for in life.

ANYWAYS. its 2244hr and i'm still in airport. i've got to be back here in another 7hrs and i still need to go back and finish up my quiz.
yes, and bathe and sleep, and probably scroll through some social media to keep my sanity.
so byes.
thanks for making me feel better, blogger.
i dont intend to be heard, but i just want to emotional vomit it all out and i did well today.

All he ever wanted

Now that i've taken a step so so far back, the whole picture gets alot clearer, and i was right from the start; sticking to my principles which would probably kept the both of us fighting (on)- in a good way. U know in our adolescence years, grown ups always tell little girls those practical advice on boys, on bgr, on marriage?

In the early months of our relationship, i really struggled to stick to my principles and priorities. We had a few break-up attempts, or rather, i had a few attempts, just because i loved u alot and wanted to build a stronger friendship foundation first. i felt that we didn't really have a 'honeymoon period'. u know ppl say that the first few months are the good months of the honeymoon period. perhaps we're all too real with each other, too truthfully raw- which isn't a bad thing, just that our bond and understanding towards each other escalated real fast.

I've always struggled to depend on others, to share my time, and to receive love. i've been brought up in an environment where good things come only with sheer hard work. so by having someone by your side loving you and ur flaws unconditionally, its just something i dont deserve, someone i struggled to call mine.

and perhaps i'm right.

perhaps after i had given my all to u, you didn't want me already. 

those sugar-coated words that i can't seem to absorb, now seemed to be lies and now i question, y did i bother so much to try to believe and accept you when at the back of my head, i keep telling myself not to fall so deep for u. men can't be trusted. it was a noted fact since over a decade ago and y did i refuse that notion?

y and how is this so complicated? true that, its all my unnecessary thinking. but these thoughts can't be left ignored when the outcome of it all is, today. if love was really the answer, then what we had wasn't really love, but lust. 

cold hard truths, but i still think that logically, love solves all problems. 

if its out of love, its done out of patience.

if its loves, its done out of kindness.

if its love, there would be faith.

if its love, there is hope.

do i hope? idk. 

what we've had was indeed special because in my entire life, i could never be so comfortable with anyone. literally, we didn't have any awkward moments even as friends or during the short-lived courtship days. in the early days, i thought i could be myself and yays, finally there's someone who could accept my flaws and i.

but oh wells. 

not many men can tolerate head-strong, stubborn and egoistic tomboys. after all, men are egoistic themselves who craves for tlc. they gain security by having the ability to provide security. and if the girl doesn't know how to accept that form of protection and security, they would probably feel useless and their ego would be jeopardized. dont get me wrong, i'm not saying all that is bad. its just that such behavioral traits are like the electrons of a nucleus. negatively charged, and always finding the cooperative positively charged atom to bond- legit ladies who meet the social norms: kind, soft-spoken, dresses well, eats well, appreciates nice expensive food/things and so on. 

i'm probably like the... noble gases of the periodic table. unreactive, with a full set of electrons, so i dun know how to participate in such chemical bonds. how noble. 

haha. cringe. 

anways, as i've mentioned a thousand of times in my years of blogging, time doesn't heal wounds. wounds will be left as scars, u just need to get used to it. no one can give a specific time frame, but also come to realize that there's no equation to solve for time, t. 

now here comes the qns. do i regret?

yes.

the reason because, i alrdy knew right from the start, no one was able to carry my emotional baggage along with all my unconventional habits, and yet, i wanted to take the risk. i trusted u too much.

and though i tried to pull back the throttle even in it, u held my hand and wanted to press on. i allowed you to coz i really thought we could go the distance since i really loved you.

and though towards the darker days of the road, though it was so tough, i tried again. but i guess u were tired of all the fights.

to some extent, i do feel cheated, especially during the end of the road. but i guess in ur defense, u'd have ur rightful reasons. 

i guess the consolation of it all is that there was indeed a traumatizing phase of my life when i lost myself to u. i tried to succumb to all ur needs and desires though it seemed futile. for every move i made, or didnt make, it was filled with much fear and stress. in my entire life, i was never under such pressure, never felt so alone. i still rmbr the slightest of anything could evoke a tear from my watertight tear glands. so could u imagine when we really argue. perhaps i had gone mental without knowing. even on those days when my mum viciously caned me till my hands had blisters (that my tchr even asked if i was under some home abuse), i felt those were incomparable. at least i was fully aware that my mum caned me out of love and really for my own good. 

but with u, what was good?

disappointing to say, i still love u and ur flaws.

just that u've ran out of gas and can't find ur petrol station.

despite all that, i was willing to try again but its clear that u'd rather not have me by ur side at all even as platonic friends.

perhaps we're both too similar- loving someone doesn't mean u need to keep him or her by ur side. if it makes the other happier by letting go, then so be it.

perhaps u've given in to my stubbornness and independence and i've given in to ur desire to feel.. superior. i can't find a suitable word for this, but i know that i'm not the type of girl u can live with.

not said in any spiteful anger, but i'd be really happy if u can find some girl who can make u happy even without trying. being so close with u over these 3 over yrs, i guess i roughly know the kind of girl u need in ur life and too bad, my attempts were far from it.

i hope this episode is a good lesson for me.

as distraught this whole episode may seem, it was all good, i guess. 

least i have that book full Polaroids of our happy moments which u didn't seem interested to participate in. well, perhaps its timing also. it is a fact that juggling a full time-job and seemingly full-time studies is tough especially when it seems that ur hardwork will eventually lead to nothing. but lets just take it as everything happens for a reason right? 

i dont think i'd ever ever want to fall in love again. really. being in a relationship may not be for everyone and i cannot naively think that i can be part of the majority.

i mean, look. though i miss u like hell, least i'm on track to finding back myself. least i can wear what i like, do the things i like to do, ride to wherever i want to, eat the foods i like to eat, go out with whoever i want to, all without feeling so damn guilty.

so sportspoon, what's there to be so sad about.

dont miss the good times, coz i guess good times can be recreated again. just dont lose urself and ur principles. men will always be men. when they get what they want, they'll scoot off. never pass judgement on intangible words but by the practical actions taken.

now that i've decided to totally give up on this kind of relationship, i hope to stick to it and rmbr why i'm doing this. i hope that if one day u get married, u'll invite me to ur wedding, or at least, introduce me to the girl whom u've decided to spend ur life with coz i'd reallly really wanna meet her.

perhaps she can teach me a thing or two. hahas. 

take care, love. 

u and ur family will still be in my prayers every night coz i still want the best for u.

thought it seems that what we've had was a mistake, i guess,

the only wrong decisions are the ones we didn't take.

hung

now i realize how much i actually mean to u all these while.
were u happy when u're with me, at all?

I do miss ur arms around me,
and having a shoulder to lie on when the days hit hard.

But, the jacket i got for u is still left hanging,
miserably, feeling  unwanted.

u left me long ago.

i recall that time u left me back alone on the streets of KL. at night.

what now.

in public now.
my heart is aching and idky i keep crying.

i've tweet so much that i think i should stop and blog now.
idky.
i'm like trying to do my report on Corrosion, but like just v emo.

God, help.
do i need to see an earthly doctor?
dont worry, i'm not suicidal. too much to live for, and mother poon needs me.

and its not like i feel lonely or need company
nor do i want to talk to anyone i know about all that's going on.
its not like i know whats gg on inside me also.

i dont even feel like wallowing up in self pity,
or go on binge drinking,
coz im still sane enough to know that alcohol is only worth it from duty-free,
or like good drinks over some good meal.
and i have a professional job that needs me 100% sober.
see. i'm ok.
?


my heart just v painful.
i hope that perhaps its coz of ytd's 10k run.
like u know, physical aches rather than emotionally inflicted aches.


i hope all this shall come to pass soon.
coz i'm still trying to do my report.
but i cant go on coz the tears is blocking my view from googling and typing.


although, i feel that i'm left hanging.
tell me you hate me pls.
tell me u've given up.
tell me straight that you do not want me in ur life anymore.


i need to kill all of this.
i need to get on with my daily duties pls.
and i need all that focus i can get for this semester's exams.

i'm not even seeking for any solutions.
and after typing all of these things,
i'm not searching for any comfort.

i just want to be normal and driven to do fine in life again.