the ups and downs

quite an eventful week i must say.
let's no got in chronological order.


last fri, it was the finals!

12 - 10 to Blacks.

too close a match.

its worth to mention that we're first to score, leading most of the time, half time 10-7 to us.. but Blacks scored one more in the last 15 mins so yea. hahahas. just like in life, it always the final few steps that overwrites the initial stages, despite it being how good and all.

but no doubt, it was a good fight. we can probably win a the title for the most improved team, having losing to the same team, 59-0 in the round stages. hahas. during the finals, the game was so tight that i really believed we had it. not that i didnt b4 the game started, but during the game it was just too close.

i didnt expect to play though i was on the sub list. i mean, i havent been to a single trng and the last game i played was the first game of the season. ahhas. so technically, i'm not really 'in season'. ahhas. but at the last 10mins, one of my teammates had pulled her neck, so coach subbed me in. after the game, he briefly mentioned that "it is such a great thing to have an awesome flanker on the bench, just that when u're thinking of adding weight to the scrum, u realize she's only 40kg". hahahahhahas. that was funny. but no, i'm much more than 40kg. hahas. but yea, with the total lack in trng, went i got on the field, i was actually shakinggg. hahahahs. its been awhile since i've felt such apprehension and pre-game jitters. i mean, i did have a great warm up, but was really confident that i wouldnt be playing. ahhahs.

that 10 mins on the field felt too short and too long. too short coz we needed that time to get it back. too long coz all the scenes were just being mentally broken down.

but ok. anyways, post game partying as usual.

thank God i took leave for the next day because of joel's wedding and sch in the late afternoon.

:') 12 march 2016

so this is my fav pri sch friend joel. thanks for remembering me and thanks for the invite. i really enjoyed the wedding service coz the vids are so fun-loving and real, without feeling cliche and all. such things can only be done via the heart. thank u for the awesome peranakan spread too. was really goooood.
after graduating from... primary sch, i think we only met on 2 occasions. 1 was a random gathering and the other was when i we bump into each other at bedok mall while i was having lunch with mother poon. in pri sch, u know how the tchrs like to do everything according to height.. lining up, sitting down, moving in and out of classrooms. so yea, he was usually my partner or if not, sitting around me. hahahs. so i'd always see him before, during and after school. hahas. he was the one that taught me how to ride a bicycle too, allowing me to crash and accidentally scratching his blue bike. also, i rmbr him giving me a note before our bcg... ahhas. and since he's married now, i can now say i had a crush on him when i was in pri sch. HAHA.
so anyway, really glad that he's able to find such a lovely lady like yvonne to spend the rest of their lives with tgt. may u continue to be such a fun-loving person especially to ur wife and i wish u guys a very blessed marriage.


ok. and earlier this week, aunty irene passed away.

she's my dad's aunt or smth. basically part of the family. my dad's side of the family is really complicated and i dont really know all the links. but she's pretty close.
during the funeral and cremation when i saw how mother poon cried, my heart was sinking alot and i had to really control it and act nonchalant coz after all, i'm still that hard-headed little girl in her eyes right.

right after cremation, we took a bus down to SGH to visit Godpa in the high dependency ward. he has gout (idk whats tt) and then pneumonia where his lungs have water. when i looked at him, tears almost start to flow out but i had to keep shutoff valve tight.
God pa and God ma is a couple from church who really loves me alot other than my biological parents. u know in life, we have ppl whom we dont really talk to much, but u know they just love u alot. yea. that's how it is between me and my godpa and god ma.
so really, i cannot afford to lose them now, and selfishly, forever.



---


so yea. all the ups and downs.
idky but these few days been thinking of those 3 persons alot. esp u. crazy.
i've always been trying to let go but it just keeps coming back as unsettled shit.
and esp when i have such ups and downs, i always want to tell you.
i've already been forced to lose 2 of them, but.... nvm.
i dont even dare to dwell into such realms again. i can't.


anyways.
been really stressed also. with all those emotional shit gg in and out, there's still work and sch. growing up, i've always thought that as i grow up, while inclining towards more 'adultish' thinking, i may just be able to control my feelings or emotions more, at least steer them towards the greater practical good. but nah.
i'm also beginning to qns myself why am i studying, y am i working as a technician, can passion put food on the table for the family and so on.
i wish to blog more but i'm really tired.
perhaps getting older, i'm beginning to lose the significance in documenting my life (though its pretty useful to use this platform to find dates of events. hahas).
may i stop thinking of u.

Because friends and food matters

abit late, but i just want to rmbr how i spent my wkend of the being a yr older.
a few days prior to my bday, had some issues with work and lost some friends due to rumours.
to me, it really made me reflect and question my thoughts and intentions. perhaps sometimes, some ppl dont need our care and dont need our concern. simply put it, people, whom u think may be ur friends, perhaps dont treat u as one and consider other factors (perhaps time/ money) as more.... important. i mean, theres no wrong or right, and no one can really judge anyone's priorities in life, so for me, i realized perhaps sometimes to be kind to ourselves, we shouldn't be kind to some ppl, or rather, practice a stronger sense of situational awareness when it comes to dealing with people.

so yea, was super down the whole week.
so i guess when u're in such state, ur real friends who really care start to show and u learn to appreciate ppl better and all over again.
so for this week, i felt that it was really God sent and allowed me to accept ppl's hearts. (:



19th sept was a sat morng, my off day before i start my morng shift on my bday.
i really didnt feel like gg out or meeting anyone. but esteeloiqz was really persistent and really, i never regretted a moment spent with her and her.. hubby. hahahas. awws.
i've had eggs ben cravingg for the longest time.. probably had it for a few months alrdy and i can't rmbr when. so she brought me out to  Roadhouse at Dempsey and gave a me a bday treat. awwws.
she gave me a crumpler toiletry bag knowing i like bags with compartments... and one of the best handmade cards. i mean, in this era, who would actually patiently cut out images right off the edges. really amazing and its all of my fav things.

really thank God for her and i'm gg to miss her badly when she goes to Arizona for 2 yrs.

after that, i went to meet my disney princess gang who decided to bring me out to eat affordable atas fine dining food.

other than the super ex beef steak i've eaten at Gordon's grill, this is one of the best beef that actually cooks on the hot stone. super amazing. ahhad. and also because i talk alot of rubbish and since its my bday, the waiter kindly treat me to all of other deserts that we did not order (like about additional 3) and a piece of bday cake with very nice choco word design.

i will save money and bring mother poon here one day.

i love food. and i love my friends.

and so 20th sept. my morng shift. 6am - 4pm. most hated shift coz i hate waking up at 5am.

but, it was memorable coz #airbuschan gave me his toolbox with his tools! hahhas. he was the last engineer batch to receive company tools. and yea, since as a tech i would need more tools than he does, he gave me his, on his bday.

and this was really timely. coz on that day, the afm was totally nasty and not professional about clarifying with me when i humbly asked him if he had anything to ask me.  to me, as an afm or a senior individual, when u hear things about people, it is only right and legit that u clarify or at least hear first hand info rather than being bias and unprofessional in problem solving. i trusted him, used to but i guess he has lost my respect. i might give him another chance if he his willing to open his ears and listen, if not, forget it coz its not worth my effort. so when another collegue asked me what happened, i cried (again). hahas. for this matter, i think i cried 3 times and i think its becoming stupid.

perhaps my friends mean more to me that i thought. but well, sometimes we gotta let go whats worth letting go and this a skill that i've not learnt for years. though memories dont change, people do and i have to rmbr that. also, after all work is still work and ppl are there to earn money.

so at night, went dinner with my climbing/biker/photog friends.
these are the friends that i travel with alot and do silly things together.
was supposed to be a surprise, but jo, being honest jo, just can't pull it off. ahhahas. soo... surprise!

and thanks for the belaying device! always wanted this coz i think its a very comfortable belaying device though its not really an auto-lock system.

(:

so yea. interesting that i was able to meet key groups of ppl in my life over the wkend. there's still the IMF gang and my fav amanda and SZ. (:

i really thank God for people like these home i know i'd be growing up with even if we have our own families in the future. even if we are gg to have lesser time for each other, all the times spent tgt are just so worthwhile and i really want to thank God for everything.

despite all that, i still missed those 3 individuals who have probably forgotten my bday. but that's ok, at least it doesn't get so painful in the future. 

Operation Dickson Assinate

Happy Birthday Dickson!

Probably 80% of my epic journeys were done with u ! From photography, biking, guitaring, bowling, climbing.... not everyday that u'd find a grp of friends who have a set of common interests. Glad to have u around. More epic journeys with u ahead! PAAAMMMP!

HELLOWEEEN

hello!



kinda like this photo the way it is
interesting wkend.

the WTL touch league ended last sat.
had a good last game.

and my sis and her husband bought me a new bag from her holiday trip to aussie. :D
i've got something simliar, but all bags are <3 .="" p="">

in the evening, went to USS Halloween Night! not a big fan of Halloween coz i dont see the point, but since eveleen jio-ed and plan, just go and have some fun with the friends man. at the rate i'm going at work, i need a social life and practice work-life balance.

.

and so, here's the group.. 

it was likka 4 couple date night.... felt abit out-of-place-cum-awkward coz they all had their other half with them. so dickson had to be my 4 hr stand-in bf. hahas. 

good effort to the additional lightings and smoke. i know the smoke thing is not cheap.

looking abit like MBS. (the lighting)

i think she's damn chio.

probably some walt disney princess by day, and a witch by night.

i think in USS context, she's probably the girl from Shriek or something. we stopped and looked at her for quite awhile coz no matter how evil she tried to look, still chio.

and i think the main highlight of the night was the Haunted house - the 2hr queue up for it. 

before that, thanks to my wide circle of friends, saw a friend working at the Transformer station, so instead of waiting for 50mins, she let the 8 of us into the express queue! (: so it was like less than 5 mins waiting time. 

but this one,..... i think the looong wait really killed us. so we're like spamming photos and stuff.

hahas. by the time we're about to go in, we were like... ok.. feeling abit tired to render a response from all the scares. ahhas Jay was like saying to "eh, when we see the zombie, tell it to scare us 1 more time to make our money and time's worth". ahahs. 

but oook la.

it wasn't that scary because of the crowd. the screamings of the girls from the front group probably preempted us of where the 'sudden pop-ups' are going to be. 

you know, i'm damn scared of scary movies, but when it comes to this haunted house, its really ok only. not that i'm brave, but i think my analytical mind takes control when i'm probably in a fight or flight mode. the whole year of engineering study probably also tweeked my mind into becoming more objectively analytical with my surroundings. ahhas. while in the house, i was like analyzing all the deco, the possible blindspots to scare ppl,  the atmospheric effect and all. on top of that, during the HK study trip i went in my poly days, Ocean Park mgmt revealed to us the set-up of their haunted house in daylight. basically, when they switched on the lights, switched off the music and minus all the smoke and fake dead people, it just seemed like dirty walls with cotton wools, threads (to be like spiderwebs), some red paint here and there and yea, that's about it. but when all the effects start to gel up in place, whooots. it was a bigggg difference. ahhas. that Marketing study trip was to highlight how our senses can be deceived.

anyway, another reason why i was in my analytical mode is because i dont have like a boyfriend to be in my scared mode. ok, that sounds childish, but hear me out first!

in all honesty, i believe girls can be mentally strong if they really want to when it comes to reality. its just that we probably have the rights, being cultivated by the society and the media to just be vulnerable and fit the socially-percieved 'right' norms. maybe 'rights' is a wrong noun to use, but its more like... the 'just-because-s'. i do believe that if i had a boy whom i'm willing to spend my life with beside me in that situation, i would be lazy in my thoughts and just live.in.the.moment and enjoy the fact that i can be loved and protected. true that? i mean, i'm saying this in context that we all know that the haunted house in USS is man-made for entertainment purposes. we go in for the thrill and fun of it.... its either with the presence of ego or the absence of ego that we take a stand in the reaction that we want to be compelled to.

i mean like, i can do it in such context. but when watching man-made horrow shows, that's a totally different ball game uh. but i hope i'm making sense to whatever i'm trying to say! hahas.

but yes, my fear still stands as being unable to be alone in a dark room.

i think i can be brave in a darkroom with anyone, and i can be alone in a lited room (ok, this one not too sure actually), but not when the 2 negative atmospheric conditions occur together. so USS was like crowded, so really.. there's no way that u can die or smth.

anyway, didn't manage to take more photos of the haunted house because of the poor lighting and all. but good job and effort. i like the last part when its all mirrors in about 45 dec adjacent with each other. coz i keep bumping into the mirrors. M9 Human Factor teaches us about the photoreceptors in our eyes.. the rods and cones. so in the dark, it was quite obvious that the rods in my eyes are not as good now as compared to the days when i was like 6 or 7, playing catching in the dark.  

ok, and so, is spent $18 on a cup.

hahas. interesting cups and bags are really my weakness. hahas.

and so, my usual busy sunday.
... the usual sunday rain, as if on a planned schedule. muddy and sore from ytd's games...
ending off with sam's damien's 1st bday!
so fast its been 1 year. another of my fav couple. known the both of them since i was 15.
long way more to go for theem.


lastly,
interesting topic during the youth service today. though it was at a very basic level, i guess also because of it's basic level, it really reminded me alot of the commitments and promises i've made to myself when i was younger. promised to keep for myself and to wait. somehow along the way, it seemed so difficult to keep all these promises in check. but after today's sharing, it was like all clear answers to my struggles and difficulty.
i probably want to share with you but i guess you wouldn't want to listen from my perspective. there's just too many daily stuff that i want to share with you, but lets all continue to think that this is the best way out so far. still been thinking. but if its just going to be this way, i guess it can't get any worse or any better. anyway, whatever it is, i'm glad i'm taking more courage to face my fears. somehow, i feel myself becoming more and more objective because of this difficult phase.
i just hope that after this year, i can really let all these go. really. may this be a lesson learnt.
i'lll take it one step at a time. and if caring of someone brings too much hurt to oneself, then i guess its really best to be selfish and start thinking for oneself.






whokay. time to sleep.
i'm probably doomed tmr, coz i'm still working on this plan and its been 2 weeks. i shouldn't be testing his patience like that right. hope i'll be brilliant at work tomorrow and finish up this plan to do my exciting wkend some justice.

happy birthday to me!

(:

happy Birthday to me. 

and the morning of the 20th of September 2012. the sun shone so faithfully.

thank u classmates for the pleasant surprise, the full chocolate cake from Awfully Chococlate, all the wishes and especially the thoughts and effort.

its been yrs since i've blown out candles on a full cake. 

abit hard to believe that i'm 23. still feeling 21. 

thank u classmates.

though u guys have been a restless irritating bunch of teenage boys, thank u for being part of my aerospace journey with me. though i think i can be very stern and demanding for a distraction-free classroom, thank u for being patience and understanding. hahas.

though we mutually bully each other day in day out, there's some form of care and share inside la.haaas. we all know it, just that its not that expressive uh. 

(:

u guys have really made my day.

really.

u dont know how much it means to me.

this yr especially.

so then. since we're all so near Jalan Kayu, its Sunset Grill with abit of celebration, over level 35 buffalo wings. level 35 dictates the spiciness of the chicken wings btw.

so we left the bar with our stomachs filled with 20% food, 80% water. hahhahhahas. (: 

the mixture of such experience, on such a day, with such a company just makes everything priceless.

after that, took a long ride down to pulau NTU to catch SIM's game against NUS for sunig. hahas. good game i must say. was a relatively fast paced game. 

yep.

that was my 20th Sept of 2012.

more photos from the practical the day before. HAHHAS.

soldering...

trying to make it into a ball-like pearl. hahas

it wasn't easy. the yellow stuff quite nice ah here. hahas. the yellow stuff's called flux. its the acidic residue from all the soldering. hahas. here it looks like a crystal or some sort ah. ahhahs

as some would say... 'the Ring of Resistance'. ahhahs. (the brown stuff is a circuit resistor)

and this is group 2 of SAME11. that's our they split our class up for all the practicals.

-

yea.

all the wishes from friends on fb, twitter, instagram, whatsapp, sms, really. hahas.

though it may just be one liner, it really means quite alot to me.

i mean like to bother and take out time to type out letters shows some from of care and love right. (:

so thanks really.

more so, it reminds me that i've got friends who want me to be happy. and all the more, it gives me solid reasons to be a happy person again.

honestly, like i've said on a few post back, i was really... 'apprehensive' for my bday. the reason was still about you. to be blatantly honest, i was very concerned if you are gg to wish me happy birthday. even on the day itself. even when i was about to blow out those candles, i had to accidentally blurt out ur name in my mind which i really didn't want to.

for these 6 yrs, u haven't wished me a simple happy birthday. and i still believe that 20th sept would be a date that u would still remember at least. i know its baseless analysis and judgements but still, just let me be a girl for this.

i just went to fb and clicked on the 'view friendship' part to confirm it. and indeed, it was just 2 post from me to you, with no replies. and i still can rmbr how long it took for me to craft out that 2 simple casual liners and even longer to click the 'post' button.

and so this yr, 

u still didnt.

idk, but its pretty amazing how much faith and hope i have on this. and idk that's all that rationale / source behind it.

okok.

and actually, there were a few reasons for me to ignore petrol/time/effort/energy cost for me to go all the way down to NTU just to watch a touch game on the night of my birthday.

it was between that, gg to ecp, or home. 

and i eventually chose to travel from jalan kayu to ntu and back to bedok with a total of 80km +.

reasons were... 

sunig, to meet caroline, to spend some time with my touch ruggers, to watch a good game of Touch for the university games, and secretly for an opportunity to meet you. maybe the latter comprises 80% of my reasoning. one of ur og mates was playing, so i had thoughts that some of u guys might go down to support her or so since its so near to ur halls. so then, i would catch a sight of u on my day.

nope. futile deductions. 

but oh well, at least i get to see caroline and some of the other girls and guys.

abit disappointed, but it rang a slight wake up call for me.

u see. how to not be remindef of u when ur name's everywhere!

now u know the name. but it not obvious anyways since i've got at least 13 of such names on my fb. :p 

haahhahhhas. 

enough is enough.

though i'm very disappointed (not because u didn't wish me) because now, i dont have any opportunity to bravely and courageously spark off a conversation with u and just to tie up some loose ends and hopefully, gain one more awesome bro back; it gives me a rationale platform to really force myself through some difficult procedures. ok. that' didn't sound right. ahhahs. sounded like some SOP to follow or something. HAHAHS. no, but really. i guess now its only right to insert the quote "it is never easy for a change to happen as it requires u to move out of ur form/routine" - something i got out from my glorious days as a sch team bowler. hahahs. sch team siol. HAHAS.

i think i'm also becoming more and more comfortable in this emo, self-wallowing pity state which i totally detest and to a point, disgusted by it.

so marian, wake up.

start being Poon Marian again. 

i was once a strong fighter and i know i can be such again.

time check. its 4:53am

tired. but still need to do up the schedule for next wk's adventure!

hahas. i mean i got home at 2am from ulrica's nus dance production and supper after that. but it was like 2-3hrs worth of catching up of my social life from what i've missed out on this past wk and all the uploading of photos. 

yea. and ideally, i've planned to work the 7am shift which requires me to be at the airport in 2 hrs time. looks like i'm gg to work the afternoon one through the night! ): dont like evening shifts. morning sunrise and atmosphere in t3 is really priceless and rewarding. in dire need of that now. 

but really, i want to thank God.

for i know that He has not left me.

Lorraine and SiYang!

the wedding lunch on Sunday! (22/7)

(:

growing up with her, alongside with the other bunch of girls is something is really something that no amount of words can really sum up what's the whole experience all about.

those nights in the super duper cold container during teens camp. talking nonsense in the dark, about sch, about boys, all snugged up in our cheepo slping bag that fails to protect us from the cold.

what i call, building moments.

experiences shape our lives to who we are today.

its the nice people who softens the ground and the difficult ones who make it more challenging.

and both, it makes up the pavement. how we walk through it is how we wanna walk through it.

as for Lorraine, i thank God for her life. 

thank God for a girl with such a sincere heart who's after Yours.

i pray that as she takes a big leap of faith into the next chapter of her life, u'll continue to unfold the pages for her. i pray that u'll use siyang to support her and as a messenger for You man. 

God bless this newly wedds.

(: 

me and me

just got off work.

last night's was Lorraine's 'Bachelorette party'! hahas. her 2nd last day as a single woman.

awesome food at Loola's (at esplanade). shared food and dessert which cost me abt $40 for dinner. as of my current state now, that kind of money can last me a wk's worth of breakfast and lunch. but, nonetheless, the fellowship was great.

The suffle is really really very good. probably the best dessert i've ever eaten. (tough competition with my heart's no.1 chocolate larva cake with vanilla ice cream). all the desserts were awesome.

oh yea. did i mention that while i was chillin' at the riverside while waiting for the girls to come, a guy asked me for my fb contact! *blushes* HAHAHAHS. it was weird for me because it was the one and only day that i'd ever wore a dress to sch and out (coz of the dinner). but yea. he and his team was doing some Singapore pledge thing at the riverside when i helped them with a photo. he also jio-ed me out for dinner with the rest! hahahs!! but no la. got happs dinner plans liao.
ya ok. secretly happy. at least still got such thing happening to me. hahahhahahs.

the last time was this german guy who asked me out for a singaporean dinner date with him. ironically, it was also at that same spot- that same riverside. tt time i just finished my shooting at mbs and was otw out to ride home when he chatted with me while we were both shooting the excellent singapore night skyline.



ok. no, i dont think i'm attractive. hahas.
i believe i'm like in the top 10 percentile of the..... most-cui-girls population.
so when guys actually see something in me, i'm really puzzled.. like wth.
u wanna date a bro ah. ahhas.

feeling melancholic tonight.

i think July to me, has always been one of the more difficult months.



in 5 days time it would be 6 yrs since we literally went our seperate ways.
this yr could have been likka 8/9 yr tgt man.
just now, i stumbled across this twitter (or issit a fb pic) that says "sometimes, its not the person we miss but the good memories".

it did put some good thoughts to my head.
what am i hanging on to?
what has he left me to hang on to?



OH WELLS.
kthxbye.




missing Donald tonight.
thinking of him so bad that i needed to look back on my blog posts abt him. i stumbled on the post which i dedicated to him when he passed on. yea. then i realized the chillin' fact that his death anniversary is this month! about a wk ago. its been 5 yrs now.
really a guy who puts others before himself.
really ): that he lost his battle to a massive sudden brain tumor.
and looking back, i really regretted for stopping him to say his last words out to me, when he was literally on his deathbed. :'( (the post for the last night)
i still clearly rmbr that whole scene. just like the hk drama, he held my hand and looked into my eyes. just as he wanted to pour out his heart out to me, i stopped him by saying that he needed to rest and all. his bro and aunty was there if i rmbred correctly. then he stared to sing the "only you" song to me. he held on to my hand, looked into my eyes and sang it k. with everyone arnd.


all along, i know that he has been carrying a torch for me. in fact, everyone knew. but because at that period of time i was really struggling to let go of my ex, he didn't want to add on any emotional pressure for me; occassionally talking to me about it otw home together. coz we're in the same bowling team and trng always ended late at 10pm plus. so we'd always share a cab home tgt. always my house first then his.

yea. so that's my one regret.
its abit uncomfortable to swallow la.
want to say. cannot say. then cannot say forever.
and for me, its like i denied u of that one last chance. ): so sorry! but i hope that u're happy up there now! (:




emo night.
a night i'm assuming that tonight's one of the night that at last 40% of tired teenagers can't slp and would toss and turn till 3am 4am 5am.



haiz.
boys.



just wanna forget anything and everything.
focus: study hard and earn $$$ simultaneously.





listening to daniel's songs to keep me alive and going now. thank you God for giving me a friend like him, along with his gift of music.
in hopeless times in the past, i'd be receiving like a random composed song from him via the ol'skool way- hotmail.com (not like a facebook share kinda thing). and more often than not, its seemingly like God sent ('coz it is), the lyrics always speak to me.
i pray that u'll continue to use him mightily to spread ur Word through his awesome music.