as i grow older, i tend to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
sometimes my assessment of situations and things might seem to have de-mature though. hahas
when i was younger, i used to think tt adults know it all/ they probably have the best solution to things since they've eaten more salt than us eating rice. however, now that i'm in the 'working world', not officially, but probably just visting it for now, i get to see things. and erm, choose to think otherwise now. (or maybe having said that, i am still not a grown-up yet)
at this age, i'm like right smack between growing up and being a grown-up right. honestly, i think that when i was younger.. maybe like 14-19 yrs and all, i felt that i probably make the better solutions. and still looking back, there are certain decisions that i have made with regret, but nonetheles, it makes me who i am today. whether i or anyone like it or not, its doesn't really matter now coz ultimately, we just got to keep looking ahead to improve ourselves and if better, start contributing to the society and especially to those around us, and even more especially, thank those who have been our moulders in life.
it can well be ur enemy who has had severe quarrels and arguements in the past, making u a more objective, perhaps tolerant and peristent / determined person. including those that hurt u, and totally murdered your self-confidence, which is really the pathetic issue that i face in life today. but i try and give thanks coz at least, it really taught be humility. to just be humble because the world is round and there will always be a taller mountain.
saw this online, probably a best way set the perspectives apart.
"In those moments, I have two choices: I can let my longings consume me, always pushing me to chase the next thing I think might satisfy me. Or I can seek to relinquish my yearning to God and ask Him to fill me. "of course, we cannot forget that as we grow up, society is also constantly on a move.
we cannot just look at ourselves, blame ourselves for somewhat morphing into someone whom we don't like or just dont want to become. we have to adapt to survive right. it seems that we lack that moral guidance, that 30min Moral Education period we used to have in primary school.
right now, face value seems to be at all the most important. no matter how much we dont want to face it, handsome and gorgeous ppl do get better treatments. that's quite for sure. they get better jobs, better positions. i'm not saying all companies are like that. but because that's what in the demand list of people, bo pian yea.
profit-making organizations, no matter how virtuous/godly/holy/righteous the CEO may be, he still has to meet customer's demands to satisfy his shareholders right. he cannot like, just because of his so-called values, ask averagely looking and not outwardly hot and sexy ppl to be the models for Abercrombie and expect a huge sales turnover because of his one decision right.
it also seems that because when one is more handsome/pretty, he/she's got the whole package. nature vs nuture. its both. because u're more visually pleasing, people tend to help you more, give you more guidance/hope/confidence, whatever more you need to improve yourself (be it emotionally or technically) and sail through life. and the outcome of it is that u've successfuly become more visually enhanced with all the other plus points that shines altogether.
but yes, with all that, u attract ppl who looks at those. u'll find that it's gg to be hard to identify someone who's really after you for what you are inside. either because you urself is soaked in all those outward goodness that everything becomes so diulted that you yourself dont even know what's the real concentrate of it, or, simply, there's really no one that's looking at ur heart.
that's really really sad.
that's what i mean by having short-term happiness and long-term suffering.
that is also the reason why i probably have no drive to dress nicely. i mean like as long as i'm happy and comfortable with what i wear, i am happpy what. just as so long i dont ignore standard dress codes. ya. so when u get raped in a back alley, its not only the evil man tt's ought to be killed for causing such devasting emotional scars, but also, a painful lesson learnt to not take dark alleys and be so skimpily dressed
really.
is the society really growing faster than what humans can / should become? who are we really fighting to please?
i miss those days when there's no handphones. when i say i meet you at 10am at the MRT, you're gg to be there no matter what right. that's what a promise is called.
everyone's just missing the point. life seemed simplier. (also maybe coz i was younger also). life had more meaning.
personally on a somewhat 'religious' note, God
played plays a big part in my life. as much as i dont see Him, or may not even feel Him when i'm so so far away, His works and impact in my personal life is evident, far greater than what i can even see with my own eyes.
i stopped gg church for about 2 yearsl. not just physically, but i guess emotionally as well. it started off with not gg for teens time because of trngs. and continued on with a aiya-lets-just-take-this-Sunday-off. and it followed on with the next sunday, following sunday, and eventually, it went on like that and before i knew it, omg, i was MIA in church for 2 yrs! i didn't know it was that long.
but really, i could see myself changing. without God's voice, without His guidance, and just with my humanly thoughts and desires, my path was sidetracked. physical life was nothing much different. just that -church work = alot alot more free time. though it looked harmless and proving that leading a life without hearing God's voice seemed perfectly normal and nothing to be worried about, i was horribly wrong.
'horribly' may just be an underestatement for what it is to come if i didn't do anything about it / continued on with ignorance. my perspectives on what's needed in life changed. nothing seemed to able to really satisfy / fill unidentified needs. alot of undermining internal changes were taking place without me really knowing it. every night was just a 'ok, i thank God for the day. amen' to fufil some sort of subconsious routine. eventually, all these resulted a more uncouth me, using colourful adverbs in my verbal sentences. not only that, in all my actions and reactions to issues and problems, heart was not in the picture. i dont really know how to describe it, but everything was just zero love. zero sincere care. down right emptiness.
and while all that is happening, it was oblivious to me.
dangerous huh.
so one day, i needed to go church to pass something to someone. i can't rmbr who and what though. during service, when at the the song 'This is Our God' came on, tears started flowing. ok. this was wierd. u need to feel sad / something overwhelming to cry right. instead i had none of such feelings... i could even tweet the part...
Your grace is enough more than i need
At your word i will believe
I wait for you draw near again
Let your spirit make me newabout it making me tear and all. and still no feelings towards it. hahahas. but the tears just kept over flowing. now looking back, i guess my soul / spirit or whatever you call it, is crying.
and duno if it was on the same day or what, when i went to the church office that i saw a post-it/ paper sticked to the board on Xxxxxx' table saying "people to pray for today: Marian".
whoas. for that, i almost teared because i was damn touched. i'm not really a close friend of his and he's praying for me to come back.
and then, it was the rugby tour to Laos. we went a catholic orphanage to do CIP work. saw the kids, and it totally reminded me of the kids back in Sxxxxx back in the villages of northen thailand. the kind 'mother' there reminded me of Jesus and how he takes care of His children. she shared something about the shepherd and the lost sheep. and on one evening, we took a chillax stroll at the Mekong river. and just across, i could see northen thailand.
all that got me thinking abit.
and thoughts became reflections.
which eventually led to decisions and finally, courageous actions.
when choon tee was asking around for anymore takers for this yr's (2011) trip, i was like.. "ok! i dont mind" -> that was said without any thinking. i just had this small calling of wanting to use the trip to draw close to God.
going on a mission trip on such a scale requires not only alot of time, trainings ; but it also meant sacrifices and preparation.
the next 2 days, i didn't really
want to go anymore coz my heart took a sneak peeked of what's lined up for me. HOWEVER, God being God, my air tickets were CONFIRMED. (air tickets dont usually get confirmed like that for the trips, esp when its in dec). yea, so before i knew it, i was sleeping in a slping bag in one of the villages.
so yes, now tt its Jan, i can look back and identify that Oct-Dec was really those trying months. it was a trying-to-draw-close-to-Him-while-Mr.SAtan-pulls-you-back tussle. a tug-of-war which needless to say, God was the winner.
during the trip, God was simply using so many ways to repeat what He wants to say to me. hahas.either i wasn't really listening enough, but i think He just wanted me to know that I'm really in good hands and there's nothing much to worry about.
this post is kinda long now and i shouldn't really go into the awesome details of the trip. maybe another day. hahas.
but yea. from all these, God's really there.
even when i'm far away, and totally disregarding His presence in my life, He waits for me to come back with a patient heart. That's the thing about God. once u've accepted Him as ur Lord and Saviour 738287402983 yrs ago, he rmbrs it. so even if we're lost, He's gg to make sure that He finds us back.
so.
with Him, all things are possible. He'll give you tests not beyond what you can bear. Trust in Him, and He'll make your path straight. just believe and u'll recieve whatever you ask for in prayer.
see, that's like alrdy 4 verses from the Bible.
i really hope that there's at least a non-believer or anti-god person reading this post. or for those that have long gone and have yet to find that essence that can make one whole. i hope that this post will encourage you to reflect and think about the life that we're all living now.
i dont believe in the 2012 end, the Mayans may have have a darn right accurate calender about the end. i dont really care though i respect the way how they can accurately calculate things. coz, no one will exactly know when the world will come to an end. that 21122012 end may just be the beginning or whatever.
that's not really important now right (though we often say to look ahead into the future). there's a difference. just like in rugby, our coach says
"we anticipate. but we dont preempt." i just pray for you to know who this Jesus is. just get to know Him. whether you like or dont like Him, it's entirely gg to be up to you and no one can force you to accept Him as your Christ and Saviour. and for those who once felt His love, dont you feel that it's sucha pity to give all these true happiness a miss? i pray that u'll feel Him again.
i'm still seeking Him again. coz there's alot of things i dont understand and will never ever fully comprehend Him like how He can love 9873487384791734 ppl, be watchful for every individual, and at the same time, find time to answer your small prayers like those "dear God i pray that u'll watch over me in my rugby trngs" though on other hand, some ppl are crying out to save them from all the floods and stuff...
but one thing i know for sure is that, He is the only one who can make everything right and best for you.
