almost 1.5

today could have been the 1.5th.
seems like forever, but we didn't make it even so.

also today, i might have figured who.
well, from the bottom of my heart, if its really her, i'm happy for the both on u.
she probably needs more tlc from u than me, and she can probably give u more tlc and meet ur needs too.

funny how i actually rmbr our brief insignificant convo we had abt her.
i rmbr the merits u mentioned abt her.
and i also rmbred, though it was a nice light hearted conversation then, i did have that feeling that the both of u will make it nice tgr, even though we're still madly in love tgr then.
i did feel alittle jealous (then), but it sort of felt more like... i really wanted u to pursue the happiness in which u've lost in the past few years. and even on days when i sounded out that i wasn't the one for u, u'd angrily brush me off and tell me not to be silly and all those shit. see! who's making more sense now? haha.

though at that point in time we're trying to make each other happy, deep down and masked under beneath, i knew that this battle wasn't going to be an easy one for us because of our strong simliarities and head-strong differences. u needed someone who could have more love and grace for the cracks and i knew that my love wasn't something u knew how to appreciate, neither did i know how to give the love u needed.

we're both too broken for the many years of relative lengths, but as of now, i wished / hoped that what we've had wasn't just some temperoal fixes for each other wound's. i was sincere in walking the long road with u and i really hope that i wasn't just a stand in for u to allow time to pass. hahas, my heart not that big uh.


well, anyway, office girl. nice, sweet. hearts and flowers. girl.
vs tech. straightforward, busy. too practical. tomboy.
i'm just a tech who can't wash her hands properly and dont bathe in the morng before work also. haha. who am i to ask a always-striving-to-be-a-gentleman boy to love me unconditionally?
perhaps this is y statistcally, it's proven that arranged marriage work out better than those marriages in love. ppl in arranged marriage are forced to have common goals or if not, forced to accomodate and work together for a future together. generations of young ppl like me, have too much freedom of choice, giving rise to subconscious rebellion whether positive or not. perhaps we're blinded with going against the norm since it seems outstanding to do so.



well, tbh, apart from that immense lingering sadness in which i have successfully supressed with my clueless lab report and upcoming lab tests, idk how i am or what i am feeling right now.
'numb' isn't really the word to describe, but thinking of u daily has become like a unconscious daily activity; at least i'm not like grasping for air.

i still want to thank God for loving a person like me. even when the closest person on earth finds it hard to love me, You can love me even though i've placed distance between us. You're always there when i needed u even as i unconsciously push u away with all my earthly routines.
thank You, and i hope one day you'll learn to love Him too because u have so so much to discover of God's love in your life. and i hope that through her, u'll learn and meet of His love, grace and mercy. coz it's only though His love that you can find peace and eternal joy.