just like a passing cloud

there isn't a day that passed that i didn't think of you.. for the last.. 3 years?
i dont have to understand how your heart could change so quickly, but i often question why.
for the past few days, i've been crying like as if i'm not sportspoon. during the start of this tormenting period, i think i cried like 5 or 6 times in a day... even at work and at school. but it was good after the next 4 5 days, coz i think i only cried once or twice in a day. as of now, i've stopped all the tears coz i think the valve for my tear duct has been repaired by constant blasting of hillsongs and other music from Spotify. haha tbh, even when my dad passed away, i wasn't so hopelessly broken. i mean i was devastated after i realized my dad was really gone, but the period of severe grief wasn't that extensive like this. i love you pa.

from the start, i knew that this was going to be difficult, but i didn't expect your feelings for me to be like a passing cloud. it comes and goes just as when u feel like it or when u think u need it.
during the times when we're together, i often fight the feeling of needing you by my side coz i dont want to emotionally depend on you so much. but overtime, u've invested pretty much effort into giving me that support which i dont think i need. now that u're totally gone, i find myself fighting that need even much more.

i just dont get it why can't we be friends at least; or maybe colleagues in communication.
if you're so bothered about it, it either means you still have that bit of feelings for me or you totally detest me and dont want me to have any thing to do ur life anymore. the latter sounds more realistic but it just doesn't add up.

it just feels like my heart is so blind, believing in something which was never there in the first place. or rather, believing in something that is so so superficial. why did i go against my principles and advice from my brain in the first place? why did i have to follow my heart?
love is blind.
if what was was blind, then was that love?
why did u have to love me like that and then take that away in the end?

i knew that throughout the relationship i have changed. but it was according to ur requirements which i've menioned before in my posts earlier. why did i bother to make such trying changes which then went unappreciated before leading to more misunderstandings and ultimately leaving myself in some state of lost identity. so stupid of me, marian.

and as of now, really sad to say this, but i still love you and miss you.
the funny thing i do know is that i will never want to be in a relationship with you or probably anyone else, knowing that it can be so so brittle and challenging,but, i still love you.
so i guess, after all these evaluation, i'm just so broken that:
1. you dont want to have anything to do with me anymore.
2. i can't talk to you anymore
3. you have someone (?)

ok. 2 and 3 is contradictory. i do want someone else who can better meet your needs to be there for you, but saying that, i dont think i should/ could talk to you abt my daily nothings coz u told me that u never believe in platonic relationship (then again, y issit you can talk to other girls but talk not me?). y am i non-existent? ya. i'm jealous. but that's not the point, really.
but yea, ur heart change damn fast, douche.

the point is, i just dont want to lose this friendship.
it really hurts alot.
like knowing i can't be there for you during this tough work&sch period (though u dont need me), or like i can't go and be there for ur graduation at least like what we promised.

we were once working together on the same boat. but now, even though we're struggling in the same treacherous ocean, we're both fighting hard to peddle our own individual boats against the rough waves. while i'm just trying to stay afloat, u're moving on much faster and further away from me; which i guess should be a good thing after all, so i wont be a burden to you anyways.

i hope my valves are sealed tight for now, successfully holding back all these shit. hoping to convert this pressure build up into strength and fuel for my upcoming test and exams though.
i can't fight off this immensely sad lingering feeling altogether, but suppressing it is something i can manage within my ability.
i miss you so so much, but too bad.
i just got to suck it up and hang in there.
there's nothing left for me to do, or nothing i can do for now.