i lost more than just my phone

in the midst of picking myself up and thinking that nothing can get any worse, my phone got stolen today. and i mean stolen. not lost.
so after night shift, i went to sheng shiong to get some grocery since mother poon is not around for this week. i got a basket of stuff before gg to the bread section. i checked my whatsapp and texted a few ppl. to free up my hands to pick up the basket, i slip my phone at the right hand side pocket of my bagpack, before heading to the milk section. i put the basket on the ground, and reached for my phone. then it wasnt there.
ok, i thought i misplaced it. perhaps after night shift, i wasn't really aware of all these subconscious actions that i'm taking. so i searched my pockets, my bag and the no more than 10m of distance of path that i walked. then i realize, siao liao, really nothing. i started to panic a little, but telling myself to keep my cool so i can analyze better. i asked a few ppl for help to lend me their phone so i could call mine... 2 ppl ignore me, then even the sales promoter didnt want to lend me her phone to call my phone asap. abt 5mins had passed and i know time is of essence. so i asked the sheng shiong staff. 2 of them were quick to respond. one started calling my phone- it was ringing. it was a sign of relieve though. perhaps i really misplaced it. so, 30mins passed. it was still ringing. by then abt 4 staff were trying to help me find my phone, while another one when up to check the CCTV coz there was a chance that someone might have taken in since no phone could be found in the vicinity.

45mins later, one of the kind staff whom had still been trying to call my phone to me that the call was switched to caller id mode. that was the turning point. someone had stolen my phone in 2 f****** minutes. 2 mins. the cctv guy was notified and came down to tell me what he saw. he reviewed a few footages and told me that there were a few blindspots in that short 10m distance. so it was then that i had to accept the fact that my phone is missing.

first thing in my head was all the photos and files taken within these few months. i dont really cloud sync my stuff coz its really alot. mostly saved to my SD card. and exams are coming, i have alot of photos and vids of the revision lects and notes my friends sent me during this crucial week.
and all my work photos. and... photos of u. i've been saving/screenshot and whatever photos of u. i know it sounds pervertive, but imu and there's nothing else i can do right.
been also taking photos of the places we've gone and the food that we'd eat tgr all over again.. and now that's gone.

so anyway, i went to the police station to make a report.
they asked for a number to contact me. i thought of giving my mum or sis' no.. but they're overseas now with my bil's fam and wont be back till next week.
so other than their no, i could only rmbr urs.
i felt really dumb, and hopeless. so i risked it (w/o asking for ur permission first) and gave the policeman ur no.
he asked.."whose no. is this?"
i thought that it was a really really difficult question to answer. i dont think he was looking for the name of the owner of the number but rather the connections of me and the owner.
instinctively, "boyfriend" came up in my head. but before the words came out, i almost blurted out "ex boyfriend" but he didn't have to know those details.... but i eventually successfully managed a "friend".
my heart was so messed up then. just by answering mr. policeman qns abt my contact details could have such a tremendous effect. i wanted to cry but fought hard my tears, telling myself that if i really cried, it would really seem stupid crying over a lost phone though it wasn't about that. i really dont want to be judged by crying over spilled milk, which in the closet, i have been- over us.


then i mustered all courage that's left and tried to look professionally calm.. just to use the police station phone to call u. omg. u picked up! i was really v happy to hear ur voice, but i was trembling inside. i asked for ur permission to use ur no and had to explain my situation in 1 sentance fearing that u'd hang up. i knew that u picked up the phone coz the caller id wasn't related to me. i was really thankful that u said ok. but tbh, i could sense that much reluctance and hesitation in ur voice. perhaps coz it wasn't the sweet and tender voice that u used on me over our night phone calls, that made me felt that way; perhaps the sound of my voice was enough to irritate u again.. but then again, i needed to remind myself that i am in no position to ask for ur help anyway. but i really really had no choice then. i couldnt recall any number other than 9815XXXX.

so after all that's done, i walked out of the police station, feeling very defeated by the circumstances. its like.. perhaps God is preparing for the life ahead that's in solitude. this is the kind of situation that i'd have to face with if i was really living alone w/o mum and sis.
other than mum and sis', i dont rmbr estee's nor any of dickson and gang's no. i dont rmbr any other no. other than my house no, my first ex no, and 65410000 which i dont even know whose no. is that that's relating to my job... probably company or airport related.
i realized that in life, i was really dependent on u.
even till now.

so i reached home, feeling really empty.
i logged in my com and tried to log out of all the accounts and stuff coz  i was afraid the thieve might use it to make any illegal transactions and there's really alot of info in my phone since i've been using it for the past almost 2 yrs. i kept thinking of u. then i kept calling u with my house phone. i wanted to ask what to do.... like what did u do when u lost ur phone last year. as i was feeling like shit alrdy, and i knew that u would feel as shit then when u had lost ur phone. but that time, u even lost ur wallet (somemore its relatively new and also a limited edition gift from a friend) with all the i/c and stuff... so i can't imagine how u'd feel then. but eh, at least u had me to give some love then. haha. but oh wells, i guess my love for u didn't have much impact also since i allowed my practical side to overtake all my tlc intentions.

first call, u didn't pick up. then i called again. then i realized, i was using my house phone and not the police station's phone. u wouldn't pick up anyway. i still tried again coz i really wanted to ask legit qns, and nothing about us. but yea, what am i hoping for right.
then i texted u over fb msenger, being apologetic about contacting u and explaining myself that i really had no choice just now.
finally about 3hrs later, i manged to use my replacement SIM card. thats when i finally saw ur msg "Update them (policeman) when u replaced ur SIM card".
again, each sentences out from u ever since, never failed to add in one more slash into whatever bits and pieces of heart i've left. especially when exams are so damn near, with every day, minute and hour so important, i am really struggling in life. and still, i have to deal with this harsh reality- u really can't wait to get rid of me at every opportunity.
really, i dont think i deserve all this. not being in self-pity mode, but in a relationship, it takes two to tango. surely both of us were 'wrong in many ways'. i've hurt u enough, and u've hurt me more than enough for now. there's no way that we can be tgr again, but y can't we just be friends when i've tried so hard.
i've tried to let u go.
i've tried to not let u go.
i've tried to make us work.
i've tried to distant myself as well.
but nothing seems to be working out.

ok, tbh, 10% of my heart was hoping that this ordeal can allow me to have a slight breakthough with u. but this made me realize how much u're still hating me and would kindly want me to cease to exist in ur world. i was really healing well for the past few days, riding on the belief that u dont love me anymore nor ever loved me once ever since, so i could find more self-control to stop harassing u. i really dont hope for anything, but i do have a beating heart that's disintegrating day by day, divining up itself into the smallest of pieces.

now i'm like sitting at our ex-study spot, using mac's new super efficient wifi, blogging this. its alrdy 8.45pm and i've wasted 10hrs of studying time. i mean, i wanted to start studying as soon as i sat down, but i can't with all the emotions that's going through my heart and mind.
why won't u talk to me?
i'm in no position to be jealous with whoever's got to know ur daily nothings... but this is not something i can enable myself to switch on and off right. i really need you right now, but there's really nothing i can do without amplifying ur hate towards me.


sigh. i guess this is another test from God or rather, to help me realize how distant you'd want me to be. well, its just a phone right? time to let go of the hoarder side of me. i guess if i can learn to let go of you, the photos, the memories, i'd be a better person in life also. and perhaps, it'll be so much easier to pack and clear my room for real.
lastly, i still miss you like hell.