well, that's easy (for you)

how is it so easy for u to let all these go?
am i selfishly mean to feel like sad?
is this what you really want?

of course it is,
hasn't' it always been?



there's 2 ways to look at it.
one is, you just want the best for me so leaving me in the lurch is the best option and to successfully do it, its means to just cut off all comms.
two is, you just dont want to have anything to do with me anymore. total detest. total loathed. period.


i choose to believe in the latter coz u've chosen to go cold turkey on me by not replying any of my text qns. (if only u could do that to ur smoking habits).
i mean, i've been crying for nights. ok not every night coz i have night shift. but each night when i get to lie on my bed and try to get a good night's sleep, i struggle to just sleep. each time i close my eyes, i feel the emptiness, without u by my side. i try to hug my octi, shark or everything else i could find altogether, but nothing could really replace that feeling of security. (sg so safe, not like i need security right, girl?)
then i freaking cry. u know some songs/ books/ or like ppl say.. "cry myself to sleep". LEGIT.
just that when i cry, i can't exactly cry to sleep coz u're still very much mental-visually there; and i mean like physically arriving my bed at 12am, but eyes still wide open at 4.30am, starting to close soon, only because finally it's still to swell from all that loading.

so, if u still have that bit of heart left for me, u'd probably at least, reply. give me a no or smth. like a harsh  big fat NO in my face. but instead, i find myself trying to accept ur silence and distance as a legit form of response.

quite crazy. i didn't expect myself to be in this state all over again.
took me many many years and (more) sports to get myself out of that pit and now i'm back in again. this time even deeper coz i'm alrdy into sports and i'm like this. the good thing is, at least i have sch and work. i'm trying super hard to not let it affect my sch work though clearly, it is happening.

but tbh, i feel really selfish now? coz i wish that at least u'll wanna talk to me coz u're feel lonely/ sad/ empty without me and all those shit. but nope, u're all good and well. so, why can't i be like you?
sigh. i dont expect u to come back to me and struggle with the relationship again, but i just dont like that i can lose someone (who's still alive on this planet) totally. like everything about you and with u is gone. especially someone who's been so so impt to me, who has been a big part in my life, just like that. its like.. i'm starting to doubt ur existence... what happened in those 3 yrs? was i in a limbo?
who was i really with in those 3 yrs?
is that my imaginary friend?

perhaps, it is!
perhaps all along, u're just a figure in my subconscious thought; only realizing its reality now that in fact, u were never really there in the first place. so i shouldn't feel any sense of loss since u were never really mine to begin with.
perhaps if i stick to this notion, it could elevate the pain abit, since all these is really self-induced?
though it is threatening my sanity towards what is real and what is not, at least it keeps my false stability to an extent.



come on poon.
i can do this and be myself all over again.
hang in there, coz u've already left me hanging,
and all over again.