We Started Out as Far Away Ones

think i've posted this poem like 2 times throughout these few yrs alrdy.
but let me do some continuation..


10 Sep 2017

We started out as far away ones
Chasing after setting suns
Just like any other nonchalant passerbys
Never knowing that we're gonna be by each other's side

Days and months passed while  in TAD
Be it at Loyang or ALH we just dont see
But one fine day I recieved a Twitter direct message
And unspokenly realized that we're both of pretty damaged

Amplified turmoils of the heart were seen
And for everyday we started scrolling at our screen
Daily nothings became each other's somethings
Over two long years without even trying

For 2 muted years we just kept texting
While occasional silences became internally defeaning
Still no physical interaction besides virtual communication
Besides that day when i held the B777 MEC door for you without any hesitation

Then one night came when the current was too strong
We missed each other but saying it would sound too wrong
It was during your night shift while i finished attending a wedding
But like lightning we just needed some immediate grounding

Then somehow at two in the morning
We found ourselves sitting on that bench talking abt our daily nothings
T'was too soon that you had to leave at two forty-five
But during departure it was that one hug that helped us survive

We started out as far away ones
Now looking forward to complete more runs
Travelling, backpacking, trekking and climbing
Hearing your heart beating while watching and feeling the warm sun rising

16 Feb 2020

we started out as far away ones
now drifting further until we're no longer each other's suns.
reverting back to a stranger in the crowd
always under those dark hovering clouds

the butterflies still flutter each time i look at you
but now with wings like knives slicing through deep ocean blues
when u look away and disregard my presence
it always leave me questioning my existence

i dont know if it is right to say i miss you
coz nothing will ever be right coz i dont even have a clue
i am only happy when u're happy
even though i'm not the one to make ur love go crazy

right from the start i knew that i couldn't be the one for you
and even told you that she's the one that could make ur heart full
i still rmbr we argued coz u said i shouldn't be saying all that
but i have always loved you and hence i had to acknowledge all that crap

they say that loving you is letting you go
and so i have but somehow it aint seems so
i guess i still love you but only from afar
trying to peek through every door that's left ajar

i dont think i'd dare wish for you to come back near
coz with u there's always this good and bad fear
i miss hearing your comforting voice
though its the very same one that gave me no choice

everyday i'd still be silently praying for you and ur family
coz u'd always be that precious one to me
even when ur eyes choose to roll away each time u see me
i'd promise to respect that distance u'd want to keep from me

i no longer dare wish for u to be my friend
coz there's really nothing left for us to amend
so i guess while we started out as far away ones
we're gonna be adrift and no longer be each other's suns.

We Started Out as Far Away Ones

We started out as far away ones
Chasing after setting suns
Just like any other nonchalant passerbys
Never knowing that we're gonna be by each other's side

Days and months passed while  in TAD
Be it at Loyang or ALH we just dont see
But one fine day I recieved a Twitter direct message
And unspokenly realized that we're both of pretty damaged

Amplified turmoils of the heart were seen
And for everyday we started scrolling at our screen
Daily nothings became each other's somethings
Over two long years without even trying

For 2 muted years we just kept texting
While occasional silences became internally defeaning
Still no physical interaction besides virtual communication
Besides that day when i held the A380 MEC door for you without any hesitation

Then one night came when the current was too strong
We missed each other but saying it would sound too wrong
It was during your night shift while i finished attending a wedding
But like lightning we just needed some immediate grounding

Then somehow at two in the morning
We found ourselves sitting on that bench talking abt our daily nothings
T'was too soon that you had to leave at two forty-five
But during departure it was that one hug that helped us survive

We started out as far away ones
Now looking forward to complete more runs
Travelling, bagpacking, trekking and climbing
Hearing your heart beating while watching and feeling the warm sun rising

LKY u so fast die

ytd the rain was epic.

we cancelled climbing plans just to watch the funeral on channel 5 from 12.30 till about 6pm.

very sad to see Singaporeans so devastated to some point. especially those aunty and uncles who really couldn't tahan those tears.

Mother poon was like crying at home too. and funny how she stood up at the siren that went off at 4.33pm to mark the start of the 1 min nation wide silence when its just the both of us who were home.

i mean,  i was teary eyed too. didn't really except Singaporeans to go to such extend.

but its really, just in 1 wk, we've seen the side of Singapore that we've not really seen before. 

such events that bring the nation closer uh.

was surprised to see Cass gave her Eulogy to somewhat represent the young voice of Singaporeans. really proud of her! can't imagine speaking to a crowd like such; with presidents and high rank ppl from all over the world. i dont think i can even like walk up on stage properly, let alone speak for 5mins.

well, its been long since i'm all literature and all.

here's a poem just for him. 

k, the english is broken, but that is what make us Singaporeans.  

---

LKY u so fast die
Leaving many households teary eyed
Founding Father of Singapore
all of us damn sad lor

LKY u so fast die
We can only let out one big sigh
Giving up your life is what u've done
So that Singaporeans can have some fun

LKY u so fast die
I dont think we could even ask huh why
This is when we all should learn
That after all, u still human

LKY u so fast die
Make the aunties uncles want to cry
Ppl queue up for like 8 over hrs
But thats nothing compared coz u power

LKY u so fast die
Even the sad sky also cry
Such a sian day for all of us
But that's how life is if you must

LKY u so fast die

dont worry we still listen to all those fines

thank you for u being our steady lao peh

u're the only lim peh with the seh 

LKY u so fast die

hope the younger ppl can survive

may you guide us with ur spirit

that we do things dont so last minute

LKY u so fast die

u rest in peace coz we wont be kns

ok we will remain kiasee and kiasu

because we promise to not lose

LKY u so fast die
We will never have enough time to say goodbye

we thank you for what we have today

and will tahan till all the way

---

lastly, thank u for ur vision and bold foresight to insist that the airport make be at Changi. can't imagine gg to paya lebar to work now. hahas. but really, because of that, many things could happen.

The Lone Moon

Stars-covering clouds drift as night fell

Uprising turmoils never seemed to quell

The lone moon could not find her light

As her source kept blatantly falling out of sight

Temperature falling everything stale

Nothing seemed to be of its will

Deafening silence is all she hears

Nothing seemed to be crystal clear

Drifting in and out and up and down

All she hopes is to never drown

Faithful stars she fails to find

And darkness soon engulfs her mind

Wrapped in clouds to fend the cold

Deep inside she has lost her soul

Hoping to find solice in such embrace

Not knowing if she is in her rightful place

Struggling hard she tries to free

Nothing else could make her see

Missing the warmth that keeps her safe

For how long can she remain this brave

Seconds minutes hours went by

By and by Hope seems to die

Waiting seems to be the only option

Running seems to be just a faction

The lone moon could not find her light
Perhaps this is just not her fight
Despair and abandoned in the dust
Not sure if there will be another dusk

my game of life

wah.

today i had a good game man.
i played well! i scored 2 tries. (:
and we had like little subs today. played wing today and i played the full 2nd half w/o sub. #achievementunlock.

and i've affirmed something today - i play well when i ref a game before. hahas.
some of my senior players noticed that too.

ok. shall not bore you with the technical part.
but for me, it was like... self discovery man.


i perform well when i'm not given a comfort zone.
i would call it stress or like in a no-choice-situation... but whenever i'm in a position where i've got very little room for myself, i do well.
little room to think. little space to breathe. little time to contemplate.


you know they say that "it takes a bit of a distraction to keep focus". in it, because of a challenge presented, i can, or rather, have to subconsciously push myself onto another level.
and its not just about a game of rugby, but about life.


refereeing 1 game before pushes my heart and mind to be more alert and more focused. it gets the blood pumping earlier. and knowing that i have reff-ed just before my own game, i knew that i had to work harder to keep up with the fitness and intensity of my game.  in addition, we had little subs today, all the more, i had to be focus and do what needs to be done. and hence, because i'm thrown into a situation whereby i'm left with no space for comfort or excuses, i perform well.

on normal days, when we have a full team / i dont ref at all, i dont perform. by right, since i've got the 100% energy, i should be right. but that isnt the case.
abit of an irony isn't.
but maybe thats how sportspoon functions.
thats how the human mind takes things for granted, especially when we're unaware.


maybe in life, i'm too comfortable. ok. that's an understatement. but i guess i am.
and when i'm in this position, i let my mind wander. its not exactly a bad thing, but it does provide a sort of comfort for sound reasoning, rational thinking, and eventually reasonable excuses that are just smokescreens to the reality of life.




today, i had the whole day to myself. its rare that ive got no admin work that needs to be done. i didn't bring work back to do. neither did i have any rugby/church/photography paperwork that needs my attention. i'm also not on any church duty or whatsoever. it felt wierd.
i wanted to pack my cupboard coz right now, its like a battlefield now. but instead, i nua-ed my saturday away. literally. i charged by phone twice - because i was playing all kinds of games, looking at tumblr and so on.
i literally had a day to myself.
kinda regretted that i didn't play the guitar / piano or like did a recording. i feel like drawing now though, but its like 11.30 pm now and... ive.got.work.tomorrow. yes.on.a.sunday.

so i guess tmr, after my breakfast duty in church, i'm gg to work. -_-
from the look of it, i guess i'm gg to miss trng. ):
bah.






ANYWAYS.
hows life?




(ok, that meant to be rhetorical. hahas)
honestly, idk.

ok. even though i had a good sat morng, and an over all chill saturday, i cannot disregard that my unsettled heart and mind have been the epitome of the darkest whirpool.
each time i hear the roaring of a motorbike, my heart jumps abit and starts to wander.
come to think of it, its been like this for too long, and the intensity of it just got worse, especially this year. and i guess u know why. its a ican'texplainbutyouknowwhy thing.


in the long pause of silence for the past month, i did alot of thinking. alot of soul searching. alot of questioning. and i realize, the more i think out of my own capability, i arrive back at square 1. its time that i start letting God take control. i dun have the strength, the discipline, the right mind to keep things on track.
i can't be selfish anymore.
there's certain things that needs to be done in certain ways. no escape route. no roundabouts. no detour.
even though it seems like it's ok, actually its not and it can't be until i let everything go.
i can't be selfish anymore.
i can't let you down anymore.
neither should i let myself down even more.


and as always, tumblr is the answer to your darkest unknown patches.

everything in context.

ugh. feel like writing again.

dramatic irony.

the deafening silence that speaks the most

up and down and coast to coast

what's in the name that's all so bleak

what's in the call that makes me weak

the darkest light that shines all out

high and low and sunk in drought

the shallowest of depths it may not create

how long more will she annihilate

the slightest wound that cuts so deep

day by day it gets so steep

how long more can all this last

or how long more does it take to find its cast

the fastest delay that has no end

where forth art thou does it blend

head into the wall i find myself

heart on the ground i seek thyself

the slowest run that gets nowhere

how may i ask if u're still there

countless words i want to say

deflected knives thrown day to day

the softest beatings that kills my soul

pls tie my wrists up to that pole

swallow me up if it's your wish

i just can't really be this selfish

the quiet noise that seeps right in

into the crevasse that can't be seen

throwing ropes down into the abyss

where can i find that awful peace

the neatest mess that has it shelves
tidying it up all by myself
will you watch me fade to grey

as i hold back words that i cant say

the deafening silence that speaks the most
u've ransacked me till i've left my post

how do i continue to walk this path

and whom can i run with to the strath

the red sky

Little by little

By dips and petals

Hovering and lingering

Brisk yet masking

Light to dark

The faint that shrugs
Faithful night falls
Religious midnight brawls


The black to red
Just like the blood once shed
unable to contain
Flooding down the drain

And then it fell
Just as everyone think its well
Catching us off guarded
Just because we've been flooded

Mercilessly as it pours on
Defensively it dwells upon
even right through those windows
Can u hear those pattering shadows

Silently underneath the covers
Hopelessly away from the shutters
I guess could have continue to what it was to be
for like the rain, it comes before anyone could flee.

flood

and the waves come crashing in.

you just cant evade sadness so simply like a 2v1 situation.

life's like an economy.

the rich gets richer. 

the poor gets poor.

one of the questions i read today was "what have we sacrificed for our faith?"

idk really.

or rather, i dont wanna know.

and its been long since i've written a poem. 

#oskool.

but works everytime.

-

Up in the Sea

we set up our own rusted chains

inevitably tormenting our crusted brains

nothing else's really in motion

then we throw those keys back in the ocean

swimming, treading round in circles

having our ankles shackled with buckles

trying to find what's all that sinking's worth

though we pretty much know it well once since birth

and up and down those crashing waves

catching grasps of air with just no saves

and down came the rain with those gusty winds

how i wonder where's my brim.

we build our walls to tear it down

and no, its those daily frowns

ok maybe all these years i have my fears

to what then may i give all my ears

stumbled once and stumbling twice

seriously, do i even have that much of rice

giving up and gaining some

arent that all just ways to numb

sinking deeper in do i find myself

only to realize that its all in stealth

giving up i float to an iceberg

the solid form of being deceivingly superb

to single-handedly bring that Titanic down

oh u can't just underestimate its power of its silent sound

all cold

all mould

all clay

come what may

idk if i'm fearing all that is to come

seriously how would i know if i'm not done

ok, blame it on my bestfriend called 'period'

although it's innocently not yet here with its cert

then again i can't say that i'm all confused

coz i really duno whats the rating of this fuse

perhaps we all lack that electritcity

to really find out the crux of its eccentricity

uncanny how ppl can recognize all that's on tumblr

seemingly to be able to address everything that's unsure

all those mindless, senseless words and reblogs

temporarily re-fueling up those voids in thoughts

and after all that i've rambled on this blog

i just wanna lay them all at His feet.

in faith and trust i commit everything unto God, 

and i'll be sure to be having a good night's sleep.

-

le sigh.

day one

well today was alright. it was just scary because of the fact that eveyone was forming grps b4 we even know who's in our class alrdy!
saw daniel see, marc and darryl in sch today. also jere thong. ahah.
wasn't used to seeing them in sch. haha.1 yr. it'll be funny. haha

crazy. i'm stiil hoping to do the colour and compo CDS. but it'll be crazy at the moment.
work's gonna kill pretty much soon. now it's still nice.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=Ddn4MGaS3N4
u so must see this!!!! Andy Mckee- Drifting. super whowed me.



ok. today was friendly against the TP contact boys, and later we played tgt.
i think i did ok. basically, it was tiring! the first half of the day was like.. no one SUB! because either they were not listening/too tired/too scared. yes. so i was alittle not so happy arhs. haha. but i think later on, they go used to it. for me, initially, i wasn't comfortable playing with guys coz they're much faster and they just do whatever... but later on.. ok la. not so bad.
i was quite encouraged when the boys started to look tired. coz i thought guys rarely complain of fatigue when playing. but good job girls!
marli was whoas! she didn't sub for the 2nd half of the day.. it was like a close to 1.5hr touch game.
so from like 645 till 930, it was just games after games.


ok. so yes. i didn't know u're feeling this way. and i'm also the feeling the same way as u are. and the sad thing is, ur close friend doesn't even tell me until i asked her abt u. why.. because i freakin care for the team, and of course myself. i dun want anything to hinder me from getting my self-confidence back to do more on the field. sometimes when some things between us just cock up during a game, i think twice b4 approaching u coz i know that at the end of it, i feel that i'll still be the one considered at fault. as a team, this should not be happening between players. so to just confirm what happened, i asked ppl at the sub to see how it could have been improved. today, i was v sure that that drill supposed to be done that way, but i guess, i still lack the trust from some ppl. its trust that i'm lacking to improve. really. when i play with ppl whom doesnt judge or look down or consider oneself better than others, i feel more confident to just do more and do what i'm potential of. and i'm definitely gg to improve faster.
haha. heck it. as long as i'm not hurting anyone or wad, i'm good. if should ever anyone hurt anyone, i guess jsut be positive and heck it. do what u need to do and fight for what u're hungry for. and i think that's good.
today was good coz in a way, i'm playing with ppl who have not played with me b4.. so in that sense, it was more comfortable and better.



ANYWAYS.
my foot & back is aching. and there's fitness tmr. i hope i'll get a gd nite's rest tonight! (:


even when u're not in sight,
i really wonder what's ur plight.
knowing from others that ur accident occured,
peaceful visions of you have just gone blurred.

i really hope that u're recovering fast,
coz the pain is spreading to me like SARS.
i'll keep praying for your speeding recovery,
hoping that u'll be back as bright and cheery.

storms

photo grah her.

after church went home to rest. played the classical guit and realised that i'm getting quite rusty with it. ):

i was home alome.
and i didn't like the feelin when it was sooo cloudy when it was supposed to be the norm. i switched on the lights and looked out of the window. and there came the heavy rain. i just didn't like the whole stormy part of it.

well. at least i'm doing the projects now. i'm actually feeling very dispensible to my grp mates. having to be physically absent for 2wks, and mentally absent for 4, i feel that it was very difficult to contribute useful content. ):

ANYWAYS. i'm glad that God has provided me with such grp mates. i think we really work v well together. in a way, we compliement each other with our strengths over our weaknesses. that i think we're really doing grp work.

ok. i also spent the time cutting my hair infront of my sink. ahaha. i didnt want my frindge to be at an equal length... so i cut shorter at my parting side. ahha. not bad la. considering that i couldnt see the mirror coz i had to bend low to the sink so that the hair wont fly all over. haha.



-



a space left empty in my heart,
a deep sluggish wound left untouched.
like a ship sailing far away,
just like the ants working hard all day.

sometimes i try to drown myself,
covering tons of activites in oneself.
but deep down within is a black piece of cloth,
waiting and waiting, just like an aimless moth.

looking out of my steel door gates,
hoping that u'd be there to kill all these wishful waits.
sometimes sinking into those happy thoughts,
always ending up being emotionally caught.

i've really tried so hard to let it all go,
but it seems that i'm not reaping what i've sowed.
like a knot tied so freakin tight,
making it so difficult for u to get out of sight.

sometimes ignorance can be a bliss,
but this time, i'm paying the fees.
conflicting ideas, wandering minds,
i just hope that you are fine.

maybe u're now seeking another path of ur life,
but i'll be praying for a fruitful dive.
whatever the situation may come in the way,
i'll keep praying till i see u gay.

probably certain things would sadden me,
but who cares coz its now not about 'we'.
so long as your heart is cheerfullly smiling,
i'll be behind faithfully praying.

looks i've just broken my new year's promise here,
just because i want to publictise my fear.
ok. so just hope that i can totally that this go,
because i dun want to live without my sunshine glow.

lets do literature..

didn't bowled well again today.

i'm just not prepared. there's so much correction and refinements to be done. i havent got the timing right. havent got the feel. havent got the mind. havent got the heart.


i just feel so argh today.



sometimes, i really dont know wad are God's plans for me. one moment, i can feel that God's with me. and another moment, i feel that i've taken the wrong step.

sometimes, i'm just so tired of being who i am. its not that i'm trying hard or forcing myself. i just dun have that faith and confidence i use to have.

sometimes, i just want to be a zoo keeper and nothing else. let nature be my friends. let nature be my drive.

sometimes, i think that being a quiet, well-reserved and introvet little petit girl would make more ppl happier. thou shall not speak as the other would say fort.

sometimes, i think that its because of two sharp little sentances that changed my life. i rmbred so clearly. one was on bus 69, on a very emo thurs night. 2nd, was at the bowling alley on a thurs night as well.



sometimes, i made it not right. period.


con tra try

an empty heart,
an empty card.
a full head,
and a very sharp blade.

once a black.
never a white.
once a kite,
always out of sight.

words cant describe how i feel,
its probably just me being frail.
but i really have tried,
but it feels that it got bribed.

somestimes i care too much,
so much that it just got smudged.
weakened by the words around me,
surpressed by the voices within me.

who is me, me i asked.
but i guess it's all being masked.
negative connatations is only what i have,
sunshines seems to be just a theft.

neither do i hate nor love myself,
neither can i trust nor belive oneself.
i never seem to belong anywhere,
but all i can do is just to care.

alone is what i may want,
but many is what i may hunt.
i am bottling up all the bits to pieces,
till the day i might see Jesus.

let's all just hope that the bottle cap is tight,
so that i'll may not loose my sight.
all i can really do is to pray,
to pray for you and me, come what may.





why family. why.
why friends. why.
why team. why
why marian. why.

what we see

ahhaa. the days. this was taken sometime in march. late night at macs. haha.


today.
$19 on cab is not joking matter.
i can just starve myself for one wk for that trip.

its the season!
i miss SA. i really miss them.
they're doing well. (:
but i heard they lost to whoever in rugby ): hope they get it back next year.
as for bowling. ahhaha. 160 avg and win is really freaky la. i wanna be there. seriouslly. i guess coz all the sportssch ppl are either still there or poly. tsk tsk. 160 in POL-ITE, u'll be in PAGE 2 of the score sheet. reality check. but well done guys! (: (: uncle adam must be proud of u guys. and uncle henry must be secretly smiling. haha. (: (:


i'm really random today.

sheesh.


-


what i see
is just an empty seat.
standing right there,
looking at my feet.

just as i wanted to propose,
you were just there to oppose.
hetrosexual illustrate the theory of magnetism,
but all these agony gives me astigmatism.

i am blind
darkness surrouonds my night.
i am kind
shadows block my sight.

never will i think of getting it ack,
never would i want to see you sad.
just like a tortise without its shell,
just like a snail without its cell.

what you see
is just a happy mask
sitting right there,
holding an empty flask.

difficult

3 doors
A heart that's wrenched,
a thirst that's not quenched,
I close my eyes,
I hear the cries.

idling on this lonely path,
hearing everyone's little bluffs.
running alongside with people with thick masks,
whom then, can i trust?

time flies, almost covering a year,
and for me now, nothing is clear.
only communicaiting with a group of friends,
attempting to hide all emo trends.

going back to my own little home,
only finding myself harshly being blown.
like a dagger slicing through my heart,
making tons of inch-thick cuts.

opening these 3 doors of my life,
telling u guys stuff that's ain't nice.
once u've figured out these areas,
doing smth, rather than pushing up more barriers.

distraced mind
distracted mind
i have a distracted mind.

distorted and confused,
i still try to find my fuse.
its been an empty 6 months,
its been a tormenting 5 years.

back then in december.
back then in my slumber.
neither do i want u back,
nor do i want u sad.

let go marian.
things just keep coming.


-


ok. my bite ain't by mosquito bites... but by dunowad fleas on the field.
silence me now pls.
thank u thong.

canterbury

something made me feel happy today is that outing with some of the rugby girls. wwe all got the same red canterbury shorts. its really comfortable and like durable. might think of investin in more.
and we're all getting the $29 bag which is still gg lower at $24.60.

after that, went to deedee's house, and really, i love her house. like whoa. near town and dah dah dah.
but yea, my house still holds that sentimental value so much more than anything else.



then was rugby trng.
b4 trng, had alot pf drop balls.
i feel freaking slow today. like canot run fast. i'm v v discouraged la.
then today, did drills. i'm so distracted.
i get frustrated coz i only did one set when others did like 3 or 4, when marli called in the girls.
i realise myself kp gg on defense, and also claire.
i'm not saying anything. its just that i myself, also want to try out the new drill k.

then was game.
i tried to stay focus, but i just cannot. not because of anyone on the field. but someone off the field. someone off my life.
very off.


somehow, today. a sudden decline in my emo-graph. right from the morning.
dun ask y.
i feel like locking my blog somehow. like have password or smth. no la. no one's upseeting me abt my blog la. its just some emo thing which i can't explain. but i do know. but i dun want u to know. HARS.


oasis touch is coming.
IP is coming.
All asian schs is coming.

BAH. all asian schs clashes with mission trip.

ka[09u40909ia-09w\=59wa,rtpwar.


i'm irritated la. to an extent, annonyed.
i'm giving up so much for mission trip. like the day i'm back in sg, the next day exams. my trngs, and sch.
and when i finally gotten over and decide to kp fighting on, another thing comes in.

and like. i'm only gg on the 2nd half. after last mission's trng, abt villages profile, i feel that i can't do much. i still can do alot la. but not as much. but i'm just gg there to support the missionaries.

i'm really confused.
maybe not confused. but stirred up.




i wouldn't say i'm stressed now, coz i'm not worthy to say it. but coz i'm procrastinating ALOT. so much that i feel that i'm being chased although i'm not.


in times like this, i really need u. i have to admit defeat. yea. u can say that i'm sprouting nonsense. or positively putting it, i'm emotionally challenged.
i always try to take things by my stride. even not, i try to put things at my advatage even if it's at the very disadvantage. i try to feel positive, to sound positive, to look positive. and often not, i am successful. but this time round, its like, when u play Street Fighter, the enegery level, it keeps gg down. and now its at the red level.

and i'm not tired.
somehow.


bah.
this distance is just to disturbing.
distance of hope. of courage. of strength. of love. or perhaps, even fear.




a rock on rough sand
A huge rock on rough sand,
a big wave with a loud bang.
sturdy and tall,
facing no freaking wall.

strongly, the merciless sun shone,
aching, the painful heart groan.

a huge rock on rough sand,
thinking that one can witstand.
perhaps the clouds would fall in one day,
and thus, grass can happily sway.

but hell no did the clouds come,
instead, there was no fun.
still the sun shone like mad,
how we'd long for the weather to be wet.

dun talk abt the 'splendid' waves that crashed in,
along with it, making us unclean.
all who stood by me seemed to slip away,
all who stood by me seemed to have someting to say.

all the time, there was one little grain of sand,
who is nv percieved to be unglam.
this little grain on this rock,
makes this whole perfect frame rocks.

but with that 'splendid' splash,
it brought my heart to a close slash.
and with that 'spledid' wave,
it did send me to my grave.

Denial. just a switch.

studied at my usual grounds today.

amazingly, the groups of ppl i saw were temasek poly students and SAJC students. haha. a grp of VJ and a few MJC. but seeing saints made me (: for awhile. hahaha

jean was there.
gd to see LING too! (:

getting kinda bored of studying. coz its like. i'm not learning facts. i'm learing stuff which are generated by ppl. like Organisational Behaviour, CSA, Econs.
csa and econs are bound to change in yrs to come.
ob. bah. a waste of my time. studying what ppl think. honestly.. this sub should be like practical. how can u study.. like.. perception, and expect student like us to rmrbr different personailty traits. in the working world, all these are just gonna part and parcel of life. we're gonna gona ask to pen down ppl's personalities. ok. if it is a must to learn the subject, let us, LEARN and not write.
nonsense la.

haha.i'm just getting bored of studying. like my previous 2 chpts of my life are suer duper sciences. every thing is facts. everything has a logical explaination and credible evidence to it. now, bye facts, hello fictions.

haha. if KI (Knowledge and Inquiry) is an elective in the Polytechnic, i'll be the first to sign up. haha.

ok. nuff of ramblings as i've always been blogging.

randomly, today i spent my leisure time surfing the American's next top model. ahhaa. tyra, the judge is hot. none of the models really impress me, yet. the photos take too long to load. i think the last season one left me quite an impression. hahah. this time, i MUST try and follow the series. its been long since i've watched tv shows. haha. shall be my motivation. haa.


hmmm. i dunno if its me or wad but ppl around me seems to get injured. daniel dislocated his ankle, alan- his knee, andrew-knee, alvin-knee&finger, esther- back, mum- arm, and many more unknowns. as for me, its stil the left knee which seem to be spreading to my left ankle.. and then my right knee occassionally. haha.
symptoms of aging. hahaha. no offence to the ppl of 17 & above la. haha.
pls do pray. Sg kids are getting injured more and more frequently.
btw. pray for daniel, to heal faster. his major exams are coming. hopefully he's able to study w/o being distracted or what,.. maybe like dying to do sports or uncomfortable or wadsoeva.
pray for alvin. coz he's my capt and one of the higher scoring bowlers. he's tore his knee during, soccer (*slaps head) and injured his finger while bowling 2 wks b4. POL-ITE games are coming in december, and IVP in feb. crucial for coach and the boys team. pray for the tp bowling team. haha.

well well.

as for me. everyday seems better. well or at least, my attempts of making it better are more fruitful. discipline my thoughts and feelings seem to be of a struggle. now that I KNOW OB, i get more PRACTICAL on human behaviour. ERKS can. -puiii.
some of u may know my struggle. or at least have guessed my struggle. pls pray.


i'll make sure that next month is gonna be a better one. its a target for myself at least. no more emo-self and dependable nonsense. i'm gonna be back to me. me and me.
been reading my past msges from mr lim, gary, glen, mrs teo and daniel. and realised how much i've changed- for the worse. ok la. for the not-so-better.. haha.
i'm gonna be that salt and light again. (:
ok. meanwhile, now tilll end of this month, i'm just gonna try to put my heart and mind on my modules, esp OB and accounting. haha. and try not to be complacent for CSA and ECONS.




Denial. just a switch.
denial, just a switch,
jus as we're crossing a suspended bridge.
if u'd ever figure this out,
i'm sure u'll know what it's about.

denial, just a switch,
with that thought, comes a twitch.
when seeds were planted,
we're so sure that they'll be mounted.

denial, just a switch,
just like some blood-sucking leech.
just like a growing young plant,
ever seeking out, for the sun.

denial, just a switch,
and all along, i thought we were bleached.
as pure as our hearts maybe.
as white as our cards you see.

denial, just a switch,
and the clock starts to tick.
distance drew us further,
but our hearts still grew fonder.

denial, just a switch,
i finally felt the itch.
miscommunications, broken wires,
sullen hearts, burning fires.

denial, just a switch,
i wonder if we'd break this siege.
block arteries, tangled veins,
we both felt that intricate pain.

denial. just a switch,
and finally, you pushed the 'click'.
all that thoughts out from our brain
and that's when you defined immense pain.

denial. just a switch,
the future has become so bleak.
my heart is in a bottomless pit.
whom then shall i seek?

denial. just a switch,
it is when it all became weak.
day by day, my hunger for it grew,
but min by min, it is approaching its due.

denial. just a switch,
under a veil, i am meek.
happiness is what i which for,
not for me but for the one i adore.

finally.

denial, just a switch,
and i'm now on the suspending bridge.
try figure out that literal switch,
in Denial, and u'll see who that brick.



haha. 3 cheers for kc. who has instilled the passion for arts, drama and literature. ahaha. the niche as done me well. ahhaa.

trng. inside out.

after sch. went to bowl 6 games.
i really want to hand my scorchin well.
when i bowl, i bowl to win.
when i go there, i go to win.
its not exposure.
its a chance.
i dun want to let it slip away.

juz came back from trng.
i'm goona train.
i'm really goona work it all out.
mark my words


tmr. rugby selection.
nxt wk. bowling roll-offs for 3 consec wks.
tmr, bowling. league.

opportunity cost= the next best alternative forgone. ):

this morning. hilarious.
coz i'm trying to save $$. so i've been eating bread and nutella using a sauce bottle.
woke up kinda late. so ate bread and nutella on the bus. then the aunty sit beside me... look at my food.. and asked.."hey.. u want some pau. i got extra leh". hHAHHAH.
i was like. err.. no thanks aunty.. bread v filling. haha.

think of it. reminded me of one of the parables. can't rmbr which one. also reminded me of e boy, fish and the 5000.

God provides
i mean like how mighty is He la. look how mighty the world is. Look at how much he has to 'cater' to. u know He doesn't have to u know.and we sinful creatures are not appreciating Him.


project wrk dues are up and up. and projects come in.
if u guys feel that i'm a perfectionist. sory. i'm one if i want results.
ranted at jeremy online juz now. thanks.

aiming for the mark is one thing
completing the task with pride and doing it up to ur best is another.
its like.. sometimes i feel so dumb and tired...coz i don't see e effort being put in. snip shots snip shots snip shots.
i edit your wrk before submission so as to improve it. not that i'm all-good/pro or wad. but i want the best. and when i edit. i let u know. and yes, thank u for acknowledging what i'm trying to do. but i relaly hope that my grp puts in the most effort in whatever task is assigned. stop giving me slip shot wrk. and when i edit. u guys say i'm not respecting ur work.
do u know that if u guys hand in late from our own dateline and with standard, its ok. rather than early/late and slip shot.

let's juz say all these are inevitable.
coz it is, in the true world out there.
sometimes ppl want to put in the effort, but juz dun know how to.


stop saying that i'm not trusing ok.
face reality.
we all do want marks that pulls our %%%.
face it.
we all want that.
and stop putting emotional, individualitic thinking, abt wadever k.
stop adding load. pressure.

fed up.
what if i juz go and sleep tonight. and juz see the clock ticking to 5pm, looking at an empty pigeon hole.
no way.

BTW.pls read project instructions carefully
i duno how else to emphasize.

sometimes. i juz tell myself, "trails and tribulations bring u further". i tell myself that i'll grow stronger. i tell myself that i have to learn it the hard way.
i tell myself to stand up. and be me again.

in the midst. i want ecouragements. but. i'm never gonna admit defeat. neither will i show symptoms of a battle that's loss, coz there's never gonna be one. o levels has be a hard knock, or rather, a sharp sword that has gone right through. never would i want to be in that plight again.
i want to lift tall.
i want to show that i have indeed, learnt my lesson. that should be my resolution for the remaining yr.

pls pray for me. words out aren't that clean. even if it's not being amplified by the sinful mouth. the sinful mind plays it.
i dun want to be in that stage.
pls pray.

-

as for you.
i've given it all. and i know its not enough.
i can never be one.
can't be a gd one.
really. haiz. to me, what's initially as bright as a rose, its like withered petals, fallen to the ground. trampled.
trampled over, and on.


-


rose

like a bud,
embedded in mud.
scorhin sun,
its nv goona be fun.

like a rose.
never seem to have foes.
rising up, blooming hard,
time will only come, meanwhile, it'll suck.

red. passionate. emo. strong.
never ever seem its goona be wrong.
but looking at its zest,
trurst me, it'll soon be a pest.

withered. fallen.
trampled. sullen.

once red with love,
now unidentified with corrupt at birth.
once fresh and sweet,
now tiny and meek.

that red rose,
ever seem so close.
blows far away, far away
and day by day, fade away.

oh how i cry for u to be back.
but it seems to be on the rack.
even if its been here,
the inner joy will be fear.

have u ever thought of a rose.
as in a rise?
so if i say rose,
its that rose?


argh.
adrupt.
(tempted, yet again)


-





jeremy.les blue says:
you okay ?
poon.marian.// touch it. says:
i'll still smile.
poon.marian.// touch it. says:
yea.

thank u jeremy.
i juz need a simple post-it. like such.


i tell ppl that my batter is flat.
coz i really can't find the charger.



this post is juz to heavy.
too egggish.
eveything's everywhere.
FORGET IT K.
i juz want to be heard.
face it. i silently want to be heard. that's it.
stubborn me. hard me. face it. the hard reality. i've chosen this path.

more imprtly, i juz want u to know.
i want to be amplified discreetly.

not being bhb. but dun juz base on this post and feel guilty all over and msg me or smth, JUST BECAUSE U'VE READ THIS POST. gettit.

this is how stubborn i can get.

ok. enough of sensless talk. i juz need all to be out. and i'm fine.
i'll be gd tmr.
i'll be (: tmr.



i can't seem to sleep. no matter how tired, an when work's not acieved. i can't.
i'm wastin energry. will u pls send to me. WHY r u like that. _____ my gd friend. pls.



=

changed the song. gets alittle irritating if being played all day.

Spin Lifehouse
I'd rather I chase your shadow all my life
Than be afraid of my own
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
Where I'll be than
Be alone and convinced that I know

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
And I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
Cause I know I'm not sure
about anything
But you wouldn't have it any other way

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
And I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Spinning turning watching burning
All my life has found its meaning
Walking crawling climbing falling
All my life has found its meaning

You and I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
And I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

sentosa

with church.. ministry time.
had gd fellowship.
in gd sun.


u know wad.
we can't meet up the whole of next wk. coz u'll be in wherever and when u're back, i'm gone for camps.
so yea.

things are goona be left as it is.
because...



ANYWAYS. my dance rectial is goona take up 1st and 2nd dec. which means 3rd of dec for mn trip06. i'll still think abt it. considering that tp only allows me to take 1 wk leave.





the screwdriver
to be the screwdriver,
is to create more turns.
and to even go deeper,
is to inflict more burns.

a hole is made,
specially for your sake.
but as the hole is being made,
we still gotta keep awake.

deafening silence is enough to kill,
coz trust me, i'd never will.
but hesitations seem to creep all over me,
can thou art still smile with glee?

why is this like skating on thin ice?
why are we having energy levels seemingly w/o rice?
yes, though the ice is transparent,
any weight would thus make it barren.

nv liked being a screwdriver.
coz like u've said,i've screwed one.
i'm still as tt scrwedriver,
being left without power.

b4 i carry on,
i have so ask for forgiveness for such crude usuage of language.
it seems like i can find no better words to replace 'screw',
because my limited vocab is like stucked with glue.

i nv liked being a screwdriver,
as i am to you now.
i've been a heavy burden,
trying to reduce ur burns.

to bring all to a hault,
i'd be terribly at fault.
i want to let go, to continue being that screwdrvier you,
but we're stil gonna be stuck in this state of blue.

brothers, happily we can be.
but i know, we're sure to flee.
we want a greater depth,
and that's where the screwdriver is heavily in debt.

go think about this.
every line is nv typed with ease.
with the risk of the conecept of perception,
i'm really afraid that it'll be a misconception.

probably this whole thing is juz plain wrong.
i duno how else better to describe but using songs.
you know what i mean,
but, is all taht's seen, seen?

i guess in this battle,
we've got tons to settle.
however, time still holds that barrier,
yet being another of Satan's carrier.

this is nv easy.
i nv thought it'll be so sucky.
but i believe we can make the decsion,
which i'll move on to the next section.

what if really, brothers we're ought to be?
what does our hearts see?
is that screwdriver still as sharp?
that its staring to break u apart?

this poem, i hope, only u can make sense out of it.
i dun want many to have misleading feeds.
only u i hope will grasp the words in between the lines,
which only u, i hope, will find.

sajs creative camp 2006

whee.

sunday till today.. been in church. literaly camped there overnight, though it was a 2- DAY camp for the boys.

the kids we're dealing with is p2-p3. really cute bunch... but really really mischevious.
i've learnt alot. nonetheless its the gaining or experiences.. as well as little little pointers and reminders which seem to be distanting away from me. haha. its been long since i've been given such leadership task since the o levels.

all these kids. though its juz 2 days of 9hrs.. we were bonded. if they're older... would really want to probe into the little lives of theirs. imagine reading their blogs and all. 10 yrs down. these kids will be teenagers and all... and we are like whoaw. adults. hahha. well.. i'm waiting. its the photos and memoraries that i'm left with.


its one of the sajs camps that our church orgainses. and guess wad. i'm w/o any photo-taking gadgets (apart from my hp, which i dun really use to take photos). i've learnt alot juz from this. as a photographer, in a past, to really focus and experience the full camp as a camper is not easy. as in seriously. if u really want to have that so-called 'full experience', let go of that camera and quit thinking of taking nice memorable shots.
for me, these 2 days, i've been driven to that stage, with the loss of my ex-p700.

more of these 2 days camp.. i'm put into group 1. haha. love this group.. with my fellow leaders.. clarice, daniel and kevin. really can trust them in whatever lar.. like if i gotta see to smth urgent or impt.. i can juz leave the grp w/o worries. kinda different from school. and then.. my group.. WON! HARS. the point system thing. but seriously, from my sincere heart.. my grp really deserved it. coz they're really an obedient bunch. a concrete 'proof' would be the scrap bk.. they wrote down many points abt what they've learnt. (:


in general. the biggest thing, to me as a personal self that i've learnt. is perspective & experience.
once again. these 2 factors have struck me in terms of 'leading' or any event which involves unity with ppl coming from diff places.
its a challenge that is always there.. even u grow up up up.... its like.. u can explain stuff but its juz difficult to put into action.

anyways. enough of this camp thing. juz wanna give glory to God from protecting evy little child and ppl running the whole event. thank God also for the SJC ppl who came. really admire them for their courage.


i miss the sajc ppl.
i miss the bowling team.

come to think of it. between KL and creative camp... a tough choice for me.. but i guess it'll be the creative camp. touching lives is in a way.. somewhat given more priority.
juz pray for God's grace to allow us to keep in contact yea. dun wanna miss such great bunch.




there's so much things i want u guys out there to know. but abt lazy and tired to type so much as it involves alot of explaination, twitst and turns, lar dee dah..
if i create poem.... haha, maybe i will. ahha.

i'm like 16 already.
paths are taken.
lives are touched.
roads are woalked.
uptil today, i still have out-of-the-blue friends msging me. like today.. joel chan, my pri sch classmate who loves to bully me and taking photo of girls, msged me.
last 2 months. amy chan. long-lost friend, parted with alot of stuff.. wrote me an emaiL! haha. (love it when singapore's small huh).
whatever it is... i still have friends out there. i'm not driving to any point. juz wanna share this split second of sheer realisation and urgency.
touching lives.
i'm sure, everyone in their own ways have touched someone lives. u may or may not know it. but u have. that's a fact. ppl rmrbr it.. but u dun know. u do not need to know either.

hmmmm. then it comes to it.
BGR.
in this so called boy-girl relationship.. what's more important?
- deep, true, crazily sincerely in love despite so much differences which can cause much disagreements... OR.
- juz able to work well and hold no barriers but less 'feel' in that sense. (hmm. dun really know how to put the feeling part into proper explaination)


for me? HARS. ????
then again. i'm 16. what's the rush. what's the hurry.
to a point.. where i'm back to that man-who-needs-a-guy now. ppl like Joanne. *salute.


-

tangled strings,
broken wings.
twisted vines,
injured minds.

often we do say yes, we do understand,
but how often are we able to withstand?
application comes into that thought process,
but ultimately, what is the measure of one' success?

writing poems is like another route of escape.
meanings are hidden but yet raped.
in attempts to read in-between the lines,
there are high possibilities of commiting a seroious crime.

there's no flow in my current poem now.
poetic liscense will always gain that crown.
but seriously, it does defines something..
which might require some serious seaching.

enough of trying to redeem myself,
coz seriously, how many of u know thyself?
this is goonna be long.
might as well juz play a song.

tangled strings,
broken wings.
twisted vines,
injured minds.

the heart is weeping,
and the flesh is grasping.
the mind is won'ring
and the soul is singing.

what is the decision going to be based on?
do i really need to play that same old song?

decisions made seems to be final...
but have u thought that u might be in denial?
rejection. reception. reciepient.
exception. expectation. opponent.

i mean its like..
why why why?
"thou'st know no less but all"
even so, we crumble and fall.

so pro-ed in heading back to sqaure one.
man,.. it is never such gd fun.
i know its me and me, and, me.
but seriously. do u know me?

the life u carry, is easily shaken.
i'm so worried that the cause is me.
u may not know it.
but others around are aware of it.

man. this no longer shall be a gd decent poem.
for thy mind is juz filled with words,
like water under pressure,
dying to let them gash out and splash.

should i juz leave it.
haha. repeat- leave i-t?

tangled strings,
broken wings.
twisted vines,
injured minds.

the heart mourns,
the flesh grabbs.
the mind sinks,
the soul screams.

right decsions never seem good.
fall back.
fall back.
flat and hit the rock hard ground.

thy whoole being seems to be of my greatest concern.
sitting by the fence, watching pass every season.
words are surfacing,
dying to get out unscrambling.

we all know that 3 famous words.
its reduced to 2.
u know what i mean.
coz we're hot and sticky.

man it keeps coming back.
never would i want it slack.

there's so much things i want to say.
say it as black an white.
only.
one.

speech can never portray certain stuff.
its like a big fat hand cuff.
sometimes it is needed.
sometimes it is neglected.

that's life.
it's life.
whats life?
hard life.

are u reading in-between the lines?
if u are, suggest u'd better stop.
i'm not in denial,
and yes. that's final.

this would not qualify as poem.
coz really, its as hard as a phloem.

2 persons have e utmost right.
up to u to figure out.
on public blog? haha.
right. in ur sock.




-



ok. whatever. ahahaa. funny huh.
but serious;y i'm enjoying life now.. b4 poly starts. goona start chionging in sports wise. coz in poly.. no PE!! aahhaha. freak out. see how lar.
must be enthu.

dash.

how do u live ur dash
[EDITED] // DELETED poem DUE TO COPYRIGHT LAW. (: (14.03.06)



---

today's ms devi cremation. i didn't go, cell and mission debrief. i chose to go for these 2 over her funeral. regret? maybe. at least i was able to see her once b4 she left.

she's like seriously. i duno lar. forget it.



its been raining whole day long. aching. aching. aching.
and i mean raining whole day long.
do i need to repeat myself?
- whole day long. raining.

i felt that i should live my life as if it is the last day. choy lar. but today, been having alot of recollections, thoughts, wildest dreams and even, scences flashing. and that's not it, its like hurricane.
i'm amazingly thankful for ppl today. somehow, my brothers. i duno how to express my grattitude, neither do i want to. pray.

i've been missing alot of ppl today. dad. ms devi. shaun. diane. nat. cass. you. not all are dead lar. some is abroad. as for you. painful lar.
neither do i want to write.
neither do i want to speak.
neither do i want to touch.
neither do i want to see.
feel... wait. listen. and tahan.
unbearable? yes. painful? hell yes.

i want to focus. i want to grow. i want to wait. i want to learn.
okok. there goes poetic marian.

---

This Is My Enevelope
by Poon Marian



Distance doesn't seem to matter,
and might seem to be better.
But no matter how near or how far,
it leaves behind this scar.

million things are running through my mind,
billion things i will never let you find.
thrillion things you never want to know,
zillion things will make this weather cold.

the pits sink deeper,
whom shall be their keepers?
apparently, water always flows,
but no, it doesn't even seem to go.

like poles repal, unlike poles attract.
mirror reflects, water refracts.
scientifc laws seems to oppose my feelings,
what flame shall see to my killing?

i am going to go on about this,
because, seriously, i may get pissed.
but look, negative negative becomes positive..
hellos... it makes me sensitive.

this dumpish poem is dedicated to you.
i'm sorry if i'm being blue.
it is neither to hurt nor bring you down,
its juz that i dun want to see you frown.

i'm kinda amazed by how my vocab rhymes,
because seriously, i dun do it this well all the time.
perhaps its coz the melacholy i'm feeling right now,
which may make me seem unsound.

we have to tahan and hold on right now.
its gonna be tough, but dun ask me how.
i'm not gonna ever back track.
i'm not ever gonna slack.

we have to keep on gg further in our friendship,
we have to deepen this darn right close relationship
somethings we may have to put on hold,
but hey, i would nv want u to be sold.

trust me, we'll see it through together,
and we cannot base it on any 'whether'.
i believe we can hold on,
juz pls try not to mourn.

happy happy happy.
okok.. that sounds crappy.
but seriously, that's what i want you to be,
i'll trust u nv to forsake me.

i hope u are reading this.
haha, print it out so that you will nv miss.
ahhaa. sorry for the bhb-ness,
i'm juz being too proud about my crappyness.

okk. i shall end here.
writing all this can really make me tear.
no lie u'll ever goona find,
even though u search in between these lines.

all this comes from my heart,
yes, i know, it may suck.
but thank u for reading till here,
i hope that it will take away any fear.

thank you for being my super duper close friend,
well, dont ever let this end.
i'll be behind you all the way,
never will i leave you at any step of the way.

---

okok.
this post has 2 poems now.

gonna hit back the jc life. though its stil slacky now, i;m gona try to make the best out of it.
tmr is my first trng of the yr, and also, cca sign up. goona try for guitat essamble. hars, hopefully it doesn't clash with my trngs, *cross fingers*
luggin my bag up the stairs of the over head bridge tmr. and seriously, its over the high way, approx 4 storeys high. pray that i dun miss a step and die. (haha it stil rhymes!) okok enough.

i feel beeter now somehow. ahha. ok. i guess writing poems is another outlet? i'm fine. :) wheee. excitied abt tmr.
really happy with this self-help solution! :)

-.

sometimes. ur heart is so whirlled that u juz duno how to summarise it.


pray for wisdom.
pray for protection.
pray for Grace Ng.
pray for kc's bowling team.
pray for 4/6.
pray for the Poon.s.
pray foy my friends.
pray for guidance.
pray for the world.
pray for o'levels.
pray for all.


hmm. i duno.(?). its all deeply knotted.

tmr is prayer service! pray for God' presence to dwell among us.
use us mightly.
strictly students. so pray for strength.
pray for unity and just You to be there, guiding.


i wanna run run run run.
i wanna bowl bowl bowl bowl.
i wanna screm scream scream scream.

i wanna praise Your Name.
i wanna be bright and salty.
* i just want you.


questions. perseverance. O's. fight. win. silent. fire.



EXTINGUISHER.


May All Races Ignite All Nations.


(?)
we ask a questoin.
we may not find an answer.

four walls.
then three walls.
then a brick wall.

ajar door.
cracked window,
shattered mirror.

torn photographs.
heavy clouds,
dusty floors.

defeaning silence.
slow speed,
comforting pain.

twisted. whirrled. swirrilled. blood.

shatterd shatters brick broke. stop.

four walls.
then three walls.
then a brick wall.

stagnant hands of time.
-i wish.

the days are approaching.

and i mean days.

- 12 days to nationals.
- 54 days to ballet exam.
- 79 days to o levels chinese paper.

12 days is not enough to get back on my form.
54 days is not enough for me to be confident. haven learn character dance yet lor.
79 days. phew. haven seriously start sec 1-4 work yet. hoho.


as u can see. its hard to priortise.
today's trng. regina was my doubles partner. got my form 15mins b4 ended. haha. so i closed all my frames all the way until 4th frame.. lanes offed. so sad.
on the other hand,
dear zen got a 236. ahha. 6 strikes in a row, not sure 8 or 7 in a game, one pathetic pin-4 open.

after i read Zen's blog
, it motivates me to motivate ppl.
haha. i just love this girl man. really. when we;re in sec 1s, we're e only pathetic 2 that didn't get into the team. and both of us worked really hard.

but anywyas.. the bowlers in my team..

- Regina
- Dawn
- Marian
- Zen.

i'm glad that reggie, zen and i are in the same team though. i miss sam and lyn. esp sam. i just love her. she's always there when i'm sad or havingprobs wif my capty stuff. she's the v capt u see. yar. juz love her.
i miss her.



well. the t shirts are stressing me. the $$ is stressing me. gotta collect like $1850 in like 1 wk. lucky got donna to help out. bking of the buses, releasing of students to go support is like all have to talk to ms tan and mr jega.
so many things to do. i juz hope that i won't go senile. but seriously, i'm missing mr lim!!. with him, i just had to mark attendance and to edit the super irritating admin stuff. btu will new tchr i/c, everything is like by me. hoho. and sam's not playing for nats. so its like... i must thank zen. she's been helping me wif alot of stuff.
when the shirts arrive, which will be the day b4 our tournament, all the money must be there. if short of money, he say cannot give me the stock. hohoho. i'm praying very hard now. *cross fingers.


i think alll this busy, hectic, urgent, irritating stuff is sort of drawing me closer to God. i thank God for it. coz i'm turnign to God for help now. and yay!. rejoice. to the devil. hars. give me more stress, i'll be closer to God. muahahha.



and this is what i call challengers


my target aim avg. for nationals is a 190 avg. i wanna get liek top 5. if better top 3. it very very difficult. need lots of luck. aahah. but pray, as nothign is impossible. set higher goals to push myself. i'm lovin in.
"if i ain't gonna beat em, join em"
phew.

love blogging.

just met up wif gary to give him he's designer signboard. ahhaa. for his bday, from sara, yuan ting and i. haha.
haha. like some stock exchange.. he returned me my bag wif the marianne chong bk and some stuff, and i gave him the stuff. ahhaah. "yi shou jiao qian, yi shuo jiao huo". grown up. VJ liao. Vs boy and now VJ. haha. really thank God for such a person whom i can confide in. feels like some brother who understands me better than my blooded-sister.




-

anyways. something just happened. 10.40pm.
yes. i'm happy. there's this inner joy.
=).
he.

-




anyways. i must continue to fight harder harder and even harder. for i shall be a solid rock. that stands firm in God's plan for me. for i will repel the winds and the rains. will never be eroded away.
ok. i feel poemy now. thanks to daniel ong who shared this wif me..

" We do not return to you, mother,
Because we never really left. "



the sacks that we carry,
the pains that we burry.
will be scarred there.
will be embracked there.

for thy fire still burns deep.
like a glowing splint.
if brught to a little oxygen,
that colour will shine for all to see.

but for if thy burning splint,
that is thriving,
meets the hydrogen,
"POPS!" there goes our dreams. our light.

we'll fight on with thy hands and feet.
we'll fight with our mind.
we'll fight till the end.
we'll fight good.

oxygen- God.
Hydrogen- streess.
when will the oxygen be there?
-always.
















hmmm. thank u guys who is faithfuly tagging on the left. these little msges really make me happy!. thank u so muuch. :)






Fight on Marian, Fight on...