what's happening

wah. i didnt know i am so broken.
been crying so much. i hate girls who cry esp over boys, but i am in this state really.
last night, i cried to sleep. this morng i woke up, its like as if the sleep didnt do much difference. i woke up feeling like really empty. it feels abit like hangover, but pretty sober.

as i rode out, i cried so much. i really dky. its not the tearing kind, but the waterfall kind sia with nose dripping, eyes squinting all. its like something inside broken. i've never experienced this kind of sadness b4. not even when my dad passed away. my hands shake while my stomach churns occasionally. even as i feel like i'm not so emo now, my heart is trembling.


2 days ago i msged a friend of urs coz i wanted to know if u received this notification abt going for this award ceremony. u totally ignored all my msges as usual, but i really wanted to know if u're going, or like if u dun want to go coz i'd be going. not that u'd be affected my presence in any way, but perhaps u hate me so much that u dont want to see me; but i didnt want u to miss the award coz of me. the date of the ceremony falls during the week that i planned to go london a wk earlier b4 sch over there. so i can actually plan to go london later after the award coz i thought we can attend the ceremony- not so much as to have a happy time tgr, but at least have a friend or a familiar face in the crowd.
so anyway besides that, perhaps ur friend was trying to protect  u and all, but it wasn't very nice that she had to judge my love for u. yea, she probably has heard ur side of the story, but she hasn't really heard where i'm coming from. its also between us and there's nothing for her to know also uh. but i mean, i was just hoping she could ask u if u're going. period. i mean, i also dun want to like both of us go then awkward when we see each other.

so i kept msging u like a leech. i really have no dignity or pride left when it comes to you, so i'm just begging u, just like how i begged u to go bromo with us a few days before the trip. oh and then, u finally replied. i think i should be more thankful that u even replied. i wasn't expecting anything, but i also wasn't expecting u to shoot so hard at me.

"Go about with your plans. We're over and as you ought to know i'm not obligated to reply. And also, you're not in my consideration for anything anymore."

ok. i reallly really did not expect that.
now what happen again.
i shouldn't be affected right. but what did i do to deserve this??

let me recap or rather, try to analysis what happen between us.
just the key events.

in august, i initiated the break up. u did not disagree nor agree.
we're arguing so much before that. so after that, we did not talk for a long while.
then again..as with after the usual fights and arguments, we're talking again after the exams. we managed to do spartan, go legoland, go batam tgr and all in dec. i thought we pulled through, like back to norm. like i rmbred that u were happy at the water theme park. it was a rare sight for me. perhaps its also coz finally all our exams ended and we could take leave and spend some time tgr finally.

then we argued in dec again.
then u said something like, "i thought we're over long ago. it was crystal clear in august".
tbh, i was really hurt. like, after all these months, i was trying and u mean we werent tgr? all the things we did and happy times we had in batam.. what were those??
i felt really cheated.
that perhaps u were just using me. but then again, who am i to question that since i initiated the break up right? but GDI, u didnt fight for me. no, i did not initiate the break up to challenge or threaten our relationship (which is what ur friend think). i just think we needed a time out. we're at a point where the both of us weren't thinking straight. we're just so defensive against each other that nothing came out was right, of course, i was that also. u were too. so i think time out to cool down b4 talking would really be a good idea.

so eventually in jan or smth, over whatsapp, we agreeed to go our separate ways. it was relatively peaceful though clearly we werent happy about it. i felt relieved. coz with u, i was really under alot of stress and pressure and i had no one to turn to since u're the #1 guy that i'd turn to if i faced problems. estee's not around and i wouldn't want to call her all the way and all. i did have that thought probably as friends, without the pressures, we could work things out as friends first. perhaps sch and work is taking a toll on us also. timing is just not right.
so yea, other than working things out, u also had to take my shit. but, YOU AGREED that we could be friends. i even asked if u're ok with me texting. u said ok. so though i've lost you as family, i thought i could selfishly kept u as my friend. and i was really glad that u're ok with it.
and after that, we were texting just fine.


then in March. suddenly ur texts became so cold. then i asked what's up.
then i realized u were ignoring me.
what's up man.
so i asked if u're seeing someone.
u said yes.
of course,with all the feelings i have for u, i broke down and cried like mad. but i'm also glad for u, coz at least u found someone who can take ur shit better than i can. and hopefully, u can be a happier guy and lead a happier life.
but u really didn't have to me so cold towards me.
i didn't do anything wrong other than... being myself? asking for a break up? u think i'm not sad? and i guess since u didnt fight for me, u've also given up so i shouldn't be forcing u to love me again if all along, i just wanted happiness for u right.

but if u didn't want it, why didnt u say or like talk? then i should assume u want it also right. so now why this? y are u treating me so cold. y are u torturing me? i still need you though u dont want me anymore, cant we just be friends?
i wanted to have a proper talk with u but it seems that everytime we try to talk, we'd go into some arguement- off topic. i want you to open up. but u wont. u have never opened up to me. never. each time i ask, u'd say something else and say im defensive.. after all, i am still girl and i am sensitive so pls dont do this, i just want to know how u feel. but if u wont say it, i wont want to force it in which we'd be arguing again, and i'd show to be defensive again.
again, i didnt initiate it to gain attention or what coz this kind of thing cannot play. i have tried to gain ur attention in other ways but i dont do this kind of stunt. and if u're ok with it, i guess its all cool right.


today, i watched Avengers with my collegues. i didn't want to go intially, but one of them got called up for work so i went. as i walked to the cinema, my hands started shaking again. my stomach feeling queasy. then i wanted to cry. its the first movie i'm watching without u. feels weird. its also the first movie that i'm watching with my friends since we got together. but my friends were there and i cant cry just like that. so i tried distracting myself by looking around, reading ads and signs and all.
Avengers was a nice movie. while i was enjoying the movie, somehow that sadness was lingering at the back of my head. i teared for a moment in the cinema, but i know i can't just cry like that.
i held it in.. until movie ended. controlled it. till i got on to my bike. then on TPE, all the floodgates opened. soon, i realized i was on tamp ave 10 and i have less than 10mins to get my shit tgr before i reach home to mother poon. just before the turn in to the carpark home, i stopped my music and really had to mentally force myself to stop my shit and be normal. really, its those moments that 'you're only strong when the only option is to be strong'. i walked to the lift, fumbling for my keys and managed a normal sportspoon home. i knew my eyes looked not right judging from the amt of crying... so i quickly went to bathe. hopefully bathing will wash all that shit away.

i prayed to God for help.
hahahd. and indeed, while bathing, there was a flying cockroach. i was bathing halfway sia. i just wrapped mys soap-covered self with the towel and ran out, shrieking for help. mother poon came to the rescue and i found that i was normal. like normal to be scared, normal to be screaming for help and all. not emo at all. so thank  God for that help, though its sad that the cockroach had risked its life as mother poon single handedly flushed it down the toilet bowl.


really.
and that 2 days ago, after studying, i wanted to go home, i realized i couldnt. i kept on crying. i sat at the sports complex there, looking at the moon, thinking what i should do. tbh, it was very dangerous coz i knew i something wasn't right. i was almost suicidal. its really... unraveling that a logical and practical marian would be in this state. i too was surprised at myself. i was actually looking at the tall HDB infront of me and had to use another voice to tell myself to snap out of it. like wth am i thinking. i sat there for another hour or too, before dragging my feet home. as i was waiting for the green man, i was looking at the cars. i was thinking, if i really wanted to do this, it would be highly selfish for me to get someone into trouble for dashing out of the road like that. i was like having 3 voices in my head. one in that consideration, 2nd to tell me wtf am i thinking. and 3rd voice telling me to be my practical self to snap out of it, coz it would do anything anyone good. there isnt any good that's going to come out of it and mother poon is still very much alive and would need me, just like how i still need her.
it was tough. i took super slow and small steps home. i didn't know where to go or what to do, but i just had to head home normally.
at home on my bed, the usual crying to sleep again.

now after the cockroach incident, i feel like ive got some new found strength left to be thinking straight. i think i really need some professional help. but i really dont want to go into that phase when i'm fighting for time to study as my exams are in 2 weeks. its probably a risk, but i guess i got this.
i really know i'm stronger than this and i am sorry to say that i'm challenging my faith in God now. now its really not the time to breakdown or anything coz this semester is really the toughest by far. i really hope to channel everything to studying. but somehow, this seems too great for the textbooks to handle.

really, i still want to have a calm talk with u.
no, i dare not ask for us to be trying again.
yes, i still love you, but i'll love you by not having u. loving u does not mean to have u. ur friend may not understand it, and i dont think i should force my thinking on u; but u cant stop me from loving u.
it'll be great if we can work out together. but with all the work and sch and heated arguments, i dont think its the time and we're both too scarred to be trying again. too many misunderstandings.


i hope to be better really.
there's too many negative vibes. and again, i removed u from my ig coz i dont want u to be seeing me post all those emo stuff of u since we've decided on going separate ways. perhaps it was selfish of me to do so, but its coz i still care for u. of course i'd want u to know how much i missed u, but u wouldn't want that also. i really had no choice.
i know u wouldnt be reading this coz by now, its clear that somehow u hate me so much. i really duno why. i feel really sad really. i mean, i was trying. perhaps it wasn't enough, but how can u be so mad at me if i can't meet ur expectations right. sorry if i spoke my mind, but i cant lie about my thoughts. i can't say what u'd want to hear other than the truths. perhaps, i'm sorry to be blunt. i am still trying to work on that.

so if there's anyone who is actually reading this and u have a way to contact him, can u get him to read this? i'm leaving it to God's call. whether he would bother to read this is another issue also. but pls dont inform me that u've texted him or anything coz i dont want to be hoping or wishing for any reaction from him be it good or bad.. and if u really text him, pls be nice, tactful and polite coz i dont want him to get the wrong idea. i'm resorting to this coz i have no idea how else to reach to him. i thought of waiting for him at his doorstep but i know surprises always lead to something bad, and i dont want to force anything on  him. but i just want him to know how i feel. i really dont want to be misunderstood, and yes, i hope that we can attend the ceremony tgr as friends and not be awkward in a sea of strangers.i dont want to breakdown also if i see u. pls help me out? promise. last request.

and lastly, if u're really reading this, i'm sorry for being blunt and not knowing what's best for us when we're together. i just hope that we can be friends again. will u be able to tell my why u're so angry and hate me so much? pls tell me, scold me if u have to, but pls dont say that its none of my business. i know its really none of my business but i really cannot stop my feelings for u and u cannot stop me from loving u. i still care for u alot, but saying that, i'm not asking back for our relationships as u've told me that u've given up long ago. i know i've hurt u, but i'm really asking for forgiveness coz i really dont want to lose you totally. i know u're seeing someone so i'll keep my distance. i promise i wont be texting u daily nothings or any work related nothings or jio-ing u for runs and gym sess if u dont want to have anything to do with me anymore. but just for this event that our presence might be involved tgr, can we work things out just for this? i wont ask for more. u know, i still want to attend ur graduation, but i wont ask for that alright. just this ceremony since i'm involved, ok? pls? i'm really begging u.

pls dont do this to me. i cannot take it. i'm trying to have a bigger heart, but i can't let u go entirely so soon. pls? really, pls kh.