Recently, i've been reading about the 19 yr old NUS girl who got killed in an unfortunate road accident near my sch. ST wrote abt the relationship between her dad and her and i went on to read some of the post that her father put on FB. The first time i got to know more about this girl was when i read her writings about her funeral when she was alive. Its funny how life works, but i guess at the back of her head, her soul knew the amount of time she had left on this earth.
Then i went on to read about the scrapbook she made for her father's birthday. In this era, it is really so rare to find a daughter that would say and do so love-expressive actions for her dad. The amount of grace and love she have is immeasurable. As i read her words, her sentences seem to keep trying to pull my shattered heart back together. She didnt write about love or anything that was related, she just wrote abt her thoughts.
Feeling intrigued by this special gem, i googled her name and discovered one of her uni year 1 assignment which was to blog about her experiences and thoughts about the environment. I really dont know how and why that words about climate change and environmental factors seem to speak to me alot. Surely, it wasnt really what she was saying that spoke to me, but her thoughts and heart-felt concerns about life in general that triggered me.
This girl just had so much love and concern for the things around her other than herself. So much unconditional effort that was uncalled for.
So really, though i dont even know her personally at all, i thank God for her life and words. I pray that her friends and family will recover soon enough to carry on with what loves.
This has forced me out to stop focusing on trying to get back what ive lost, but to focus on the things and those that has always been with me.
----
It has always been on my mind for these several months. I try to be sorry for what i've done and seek ur forgiveness. But the problem is, i dont exactly know what to be sorry about for other than being blunt and for being who i am. Truly, i also tried to be angry or hate you so to alleviate the pain, but i also realised that there's nothing much to hate u about because its really ur choice to love me or not. Its not within my control to enforce something in which u cant do. So in the process, i do (finally) find some subliminal peace with you wanting me to get lost from your life- to have never existed.
I look back and reminisce on our happy memories, and also to really find out what wrong did i do. But these precious moments soon start crumbling because i realised that perhaps, what we shared wasnt love at all. Perhaps indeed, right from the start, it all along was something what we even told ourselves to be wary of while we contemplated so much before getting together- we might have just been using each other just to fill each other's void.
Right now, I dont really know how to distinguish that from love, but the fog is starting to dissipate a little . As much as we dont really make comparisons, we do. We subconsciously make comparisons with what we've wished or hoped for, including myself. As we try to make those compromise that seems to demand more of effort than out of love, actions or words tend to go otherwise. They lead to overlapping misunderstandings, being tangled up like a ball of thread. Over time, i still dare proclaim that i love you, but perhaps come to think of it, not for who you are as well. I dont like how u treat ppl in certain ways and hoped that u'd be kinder without empathizing with u abt ur past or circumstances. I'd try to dress up with the clothes that u'd expect me to be in when we're tgr, but they werent done out of love but just fear of losing you. That was the fine difference.
Those loving words u'd said to me, perhaps werent words of love but just words to keep me by ur side. I dont think its fair that i should be judgemental with the words u've spoken to me, but it is a fact that right now, u dont wish for me to be in ur life at all despite all my ways in trying to reach you. Clearly, that speaks alot. I almost went right up to ur doorstep but i was so afriad of the high possibility that we could start destroying anything that's even left of us. Your intended silence speaks of the millions of words that u have never spoken nor ever going to say. If its was love, time would have extinguished superfically heated words and perhaps, love could bring us back into trying again to make it for the road again. But if love is just one sided now, like a magnet, it doesnt attract those without that least bit of magnetic properties. And if you could find someone else to love so easily, i dont think i should think so highly of myself as if i really held that special place in ur heart for real.
Like a theme song in Beauty and the Beast, "there may be something that was wasnt there before." -undiscovered love. But for me, its discovering love not discovered.
Today, my heart and physical being is getting alot better from the past few tormenting days. My hands dont tremble as much and my stomach doesnt feel so queasy. i just want to thank God for his grace and peace, especially when mother poon and sis are going to korea for hols with my bil's side for the whole week. Thank God for picking me up just in time before i could sink into deeper depths of loneliness. Also, its good timing that this is also part of the official study week, so i can really drill in the books without trying to find time and make it home for dinner with mother poon.
Just last week, i was actualy afraid that i'd resort to doing foolish things when my home is going to be empty. I wasnt in any condition to accept any incoming challenges. But today, i dont even see it as a challenge to be going back to a unlit home, but looking forward to the time and space that God is providing me with.
Thank you all my unspoken and unseen friends who prayed for me upon stumbling my cries for help. I may know or may not know if u guys existed, but thank you.
This has by far been another tough period in my life that has challenged previous self-proclaimed toughest-period-of-my-life, but i thank God for this acute recovery and i pray for a prolong positive progression. This hasnt been easy at all and i know they will come back and haunt me if i l should stumble.
Hang in there fighter, i know i am still a stubborn fighter and i should keep it along with humility and grace.
" For it is all for your sake, so that as grace extends to more and more people it may increase thanksgiving, to the glory of God. So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day."
2 Corinthians 4:15-16
No comments:
Post a Comment