the back of my friend

and so today, my monthly scheduled backache comes.
i thought of the times when u kept me in ur embrace just to make me feel better though in doing that, there's no beneficial biological attributes to that. and when u give me little massages, my heart cringed each time i felt ur hands on me.
perhaps its the dopamine being produced, sometimes i really feel better though the pain is still very much there. haha and to be honest, sometimes when the pain subsides abit, i'd whine abit more just for ur attention and coz ideservealltheTLCintheworldcozi'mPMSing.

meh.

i wasn't like this.
on younger days, i never complained about my backaches coz i never wanted to let the female menstrual cycle be a problem just because of the egoistic thought that menstrual cycle should never affect me.
i still rmbr i suffered in silence in front my rugby friends... and there's once i reffed back to back games, trying to ignore the pain. and in the 1st half of the 2nd game i reffed (after playing my game, refereeing 1 game and going onto this 3rd game), i just physically fell to the ground coz my legs were just too jelly. i knew it was because of my monthly back problems for the obvious of reasons, but i chose to attribute it to un-conditioned physical fitness level. but funny uh, referee collapse. hahas


so as i break away from studying abit, i'm blogging now just to distract the pain and you.
but looking back, through u, i've learnt how to whine like a girl. though most of the time i feel like its ineffective, i do feel that there's some useless hope in that. haha. at least it makes me look vulnerable and needing some form of assistance in life. hahas

anyways.
its a daily mental affair everyday.
today wasn't so bad coz last night, i went to bed at 0310 hrs for my 0600 morng shift. and today, i have an online quiz that just opened and closing tmr 2355hrs. its 0600-1800 shift tmr, with the SIA bowling league from 1930-2130 so really, my mental capacity has only so much to withstand.
i didn't have proper meals at work today coz of work, but had like 3 cups of ice milo.
no the best of a healthy lifestyle, but least my mind's being forced to be on the move.

i still wonder how and y a person can just suddenly cut off all ties.
u know, for the record, i've never severed any ties with anyone. its always ppl doing tt to me.
even towards my most hated of enemies, i still do respond. perhaps out of kindness, out of whatever principle left or respect, i still do it if i think its necessary. anyway, that's not the point.
the point is, are all the feelings we've ever had, one-sided?
i'm really starting to think that perhaps, u were there all along just to accommodate my undiscovered needs. so all along, its was just reciprocal. u were never really in the chase, never really interested in wanting all of me. from our first meet up, letters, and all those actions that led to milestones.... they were probably initiated by me. and there alas, i started this whole problem.
we ever argued about me being selfish, coz it was always about gg to the places i wanted to go or doing the things i wanted to do...... but u never really said or planned anything. perhaps u did, and perhaps u took my feedback as outright No's, that i can't even rmbr what did u even initiated.
perhaps u never really wanted anything, including me.

i mean like, since its so easy to end our daily conversations just like that,then perhaps its either u were just responding to someone's who's interested, or, u finally decided that i was too damn irritating to be part of or life.
or maybe both.

i dont know.
everyday its just immense thoughts, feelings and scary memories of u and us, but i can't really classify nor sort anything out. i dont know if i love u or i dont, i hate u or i dont, of if i want u back at all. but one thing for sure is, i'm not ready for a person like u.
so what if i my feelings for u are deep? it doesn't really make any difference coz after all, its one-sided! its just like those quadratic equations where there's that one answer that is undefined coz the lines just never meet - yea, i'm in that floating region.

ahhas. i'm blogging gibberish now.
there's no content really, just pain from my back churning up into my fingers typing whatever's in my head now. i can't be bothered what the world thinks of me, what u'd think of me anyway.

haha speaking of which, i dont like to be.... 'social-media-ly noted', but thanks to that episode that my life story became viral, i can actually draw much encouragements from that. (wasted i didn't managed to blog about my thoughts and views then, especially with some innocent war going on with the company policies and i)
but from 1 humble interview which led to a chain of interviews, and to some of which i couldn't respond to, i managed to read some of the comments by... idk.. mainstream public? there's some negative comments coz there's always the haters. hahas. but there's alot of positive comments in which i draw strength and affirmation from.
i really dont like to be in the limelight coz i like to be the backstage worker, but reading those comments really helped me to push on to continue on the reason i started out this journey in the first place.

its like now, my love life is like shit, my pay is like shit, my grades are like shit, my prospect even looks like shit.. but at least in all of these that lead to 1 big piece of shit, i still managed to fertilize some souls on this earth. and from them, i can feel abit more confident in pursing the things we/i chose to fight for in life.

ANYWAYS. its 2244hr and i'm still in airport. i've got to be back here in another 7hrs and i still need to go back and finish up my quiz.
yes, and bathe and sleep, and probably scroll through some social media to keep my sanity.
so byes.
thanks for making me feel better, blogger.
i dont intend to be heard, but i just want to emotional vomit it all out and i did well today.