2020, the next phase

for the past few days leading up to writing today's annual post about doing a closure for the year, i've really been thinking about this year.

as evident as it shows in this space, 2018 was really really,.. (haha, i can't even find a word to describe the depths of it)... low. i 'needed' a 2019, something imaginary yet tangible to some extent, to just bring me out of the depths. i was looking forward to 2019 actually, knowing that if u're alrdy so so low, u can really only go up from there. hmm, let's try to do this chronologically / in phases, and then a summary.


so, i entered 2019 with an unexpectant heart,  yet embracing whatever hits may come. i tried to focus on my studies alot more but that emptiness of 2019 was still pretty distract. at least it wasn't as haunting anymore. in Jan, during the HK trip with mother poon, i bought like some facial care products from airport duty free. other than coz i was roaming around while mother poon and sis were shopping at DFS, i rmbr how much k1 wanted me to just fcking get some facial care for my face. i resisted much then coz i didnt think it was financially necessary and also probably coz with k1, i was just being defensive by then.  but yea, anyway, i got a set of VICHY products. i used it diligently ok. till the end of the year, i'm still using it though not as dilligently coz i just wanna not waste my money. but yea, on the whole, i've probably learnt to practice abit more self-care. after work, i'm washing my hands with more effort, sometimes even using facial wet wipes for my face, and changing my overalls more frequently now. so yea, good job sportspoon.


and then, i tried okc. i actually met up with someone coz the texts really did feel so genuine. k2.
then suddenly, March 2019 felt like the best month in my life for years. it did really feel like i found someone who could love me the way i am while i could love him by being myself. i liked how someone could understand my thoughts while i could appreciate the way he thinks.
well, to cut the story short, the journey was just as unexpectedly short. either he couldn't allow me to know him better, or he didn't like the mess he found in me, he just left just like this.

through those months, it was really a good lesson for me.
feelings are really a fleeting moment.
i dont want to compare, but with k1 and k2, it was just a total refraction (not reflection).
someone can love you and not like the way u are while being honest vs;
someone who can say that he likes you the way you are, apparently appreciates honesty, but chose to leave in the end for whatever the reasons.
whatever it is, from all these brokenness, i've really learnt. k2 did taught me to love myself first b4 anyone could love me / b4 i could love anyone; while k1 just validates the brutality of my existence in the company.

its just doesnt... tally. u say wanna break clean. nothing left and all. then u still ignore me like mad for f. i mean like, i dont expect u to say hello or what but, at work, when he realizes my presence, he just denies my existence. to some extent that i even question myself if i was really there.
through all these lessons, i'm really pushed to move on.
i'm settling with the occasional imu nights. missing all those who walked in and walked out of my lives. but this time, they no longer torment me like how they did in 2018; they're just probably settling in as reminders to not fall into pits like this ever again.
sorry to the friend/guys who are trying to msg gdmrng texts and all. sorry if i'm being defensive and rude by not replying, but i'd need to draw that straight line early and clear. even if it means to lose a friend, it's really also up to u if i'm worth to keep as a friend.

but really, at some point in 2019, probably later in the year in oct/nov, i felt that kind of freedom.
like ever since d left in 2007, i'v really been struggling with myself up till this point. perhaps its also coz of my struggles that ppl who came could not stay, but not saying that i've 'found myself',
i just felt free.
like i could do whatever i like and not feel guilty,
i could wear all my cargo pants and ugly teeshirts,
i could eat and not eat what i like / dun like,
i could spend money on unnecessary things and not feel like i needa payback to something.
lonely? yes, but on such days, usually for brief moments at night, they are just fleeting moments. just like how any guy could love me; the loneliness would't last and the next day, i'm busy again with work/sch/trng.
riding home from the west with class95's lovelifeforum on weekday nights also did validate quite a few perceptions i have in my love life. ahhahs. i kae-kiang go give some comments / "advices" to the topic via class95 whatsapp channel. and wah... john klass read out all my comments so far, and even commented that my opinions are  'good pov', 'well and fair', 'with neutral stands'. hahah. well, #engineering, and really, feelings are all a fleeting emotion that have no tangible claims to it.


so for this yr, i've really decided to make a difference.
really dun wanna go search for love / or like socialmediastalk ppl whom i care about  anymore. if impt individuals can stop all connections with u even after having such intense (i assume) emotions with u, then what's really real now?
i can't say i've succeeded in refraining myself from thinking about the what ifs, about the whys and unfortunately still missing all these ppl, also coz they've all cut ties and comms with me, but at least, i'm in a more comfortable place now.

ok. some days i do question my orientation.
but let's not go into there for now coz i dont think it's worth going indepth with thoughts that ties in with insecurities. haha.


ok.
so.
other than all that,
I WENT TO JAPAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
omg. i didn't think i could go Japan. gc jioed me on a thurs night and on a sunday night, i was on a $495 flight to Fukuoka. even while in Japan, i couldn't believe that i was in Japan. after the trip, i still can't believe i went to Japan.
hahahhaahas. i always wanted to go Japan for many reasons. the mountains, the food, the culture and all. but everytime, $$ is the issue. so i'm glad i went to backpack with gc on this. i can feel the $$$ going out though we're pretty budget on this trip as usual. but every penny is worth and this trip really remind me to WORK MORE for a job that PAYS WELL. so... hmm. let's see what 2020 will bring me.


schwork wise... hmm. like that loh
sem 2 results were good (as seen in the last post), but this leaves me with fight for straight As for the last 3 mods before i can grad with 2nd upper. if i score just 1 A- for any of the 3 mods, I AM GOING TO GRADUATE WITH 3.99 AND I AM GOING TO REGRET FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
its like.. its really not impossible, but its also, just too crazy. its all the programming mods left and this is just going to be really.... interesting.


sports.
let's start with rugby first. as mentioned in previous post, the whole work-sch schedule was also much kinder. i could go trngs, and not miss sch / take leave from work. towards the 2nd half of the year, i could attend trngs and play the leagues as well eh... on top of that, they all didn't affect my grades much.  the rugby 10's matches also reminded me that i need to hit the gym more regularly if i wanna make my tackles count or at least survive the next 15s matches. also, been trng with Wolves coz this season, Bucks dun have enough numbers to send a 15s team. :( but, trng has been good! its been a long time since i attend structured and really useful drills. :)

bowling...
wow. i think i'm like.. on form.
hahas. i've been averaging 170 180 without going too lows on my low.
also, i bowled my first 9pin tap game in my life. and the first game was 278! heehee.
also also, i found out that SUSS has a bowling team and we're sending in a team in the next IVP that's in 2 weeks. so i've recently joined in the trng and made the team! uncle michael and aunty geraldine are focusing back on my timing. its something not easy to coach and i'm just thankful that these coaches are taking so much effort to make these changes. there's probably no one shot gone in trng that's unwatched. i feel really blesses and (surprisingly) motivated to improve my game. i mean i've been bowling since 2002. that's like 18 yrs man. for the last... probably 12 yrs, no one really touched on my timing and all. so i'm just glad i'm working towards a change that can improve my game on a whole.


lastly, family.
everything's been well. with mother poon and i, its been ok. the usual. i just hope that she can be as healthy as forever while i try to earn more money to bring her travel and let her eat my money. coz in life, the only person left who loves me alot is mother poon. (other than my reluctant sis. haha).
as for my sis, i just hope that God's grace will continue to be on her side.
"Faith, Hope and Love. the greatest of all is Love". that's a bible verse which i cant rmbr from where (oops. ahahs). i guess sometimes when we're struggling to love, it really because we've forgotten to have faith and hope. Love is simple, and hence, it can be so easily lost. humanly, i dont think we're capable of giving that kind of love that God has for us. hence, there's really other impt ingredients such as commitment, patience, honesty, sincerity, responsibility..... and many many more, other than love, in which we've all placed less importance on.


okok. i dun wanna drag on this post. i'm on morng shift tmr.


2020.
it's probably going to be big year for me.
coz, (if all goes well), I AM GRADUATING.
i am finally going to work (properly, and not like work-study). i can take leaves. i can travel. and i am planning for...... NEPALLLLLLLLL. i really wanna go this year. not sure what's installed for my in my open pursuit. but i just can't wait to just enjoy my job for awhile more, before i decide to choose money over passion.
again, i'm really looking forward to doing so so many things and moving fast again. i really cant wait to finally be myself again ever since 2007? geez. hahas.
COME WHAT MAY BABY.
thank you 2018 again for allowing 2019 to be slightly sweeter and real again.
thank God for not abandoning me and putting me through all these test which You think i can bear. hahhahhas i mean i'm still surviving now aint it so?
i dont expect a perfect life, but i wanna live a life that You'd smile on because, i would be smiling through too. (:

my current result

today i got my results a few hours ago. i actually have alot quite abit of my life to blog about, but i felt that i should dedicate this post to documenting all these emotions that i'm feeling rn after getting my results for the 2nd last sem.

i should be doing my fyp now, but just let me have 30mins of my time bah. hahas

so yes. let's go in order of the transcript.

EAS437 RCM.
its a mod that i aimed for A. but after the paper, i felt like it was a A- possible B+. so seeing a A- to that module code felt very neutral. its like, i want to feel happy, but at the same time, it's always the 'it could have been better'. if u really want to put a feeling to it.. i'd say.... A-.

ENG311 DSP
this one best.
i think i blog about this module before. this is the module that everyone aerospace / electronics student will talk about. other than EAS309 Flight Dynamics and ENG201 Linear Systems, this is probably the 2nd toughest mod. initially, i was aiming for a pass. firstly, its an electronics mod. 2ndly, it alrdy has a notorious ring to it. but as i studied and pushed to overcome my fears, i put in so damn bloodly much effort that the whole 2019 July sem could be summaried as 'ENG311'. each time i studied another subject, i'd somehow come back to this. at some encouraging moments in my revision, i was working towards an A+ bro. i did every single possible qns. i re-did some qns.... i practiced so hard that during the exam, when i first saw the qns, i raised my hand and told the lecturer that he set the qns wrongly. hahahs. before even working it out, i knew that the equation was not solveable. he didn't trust me and told me to read the qns properly. i even replied 'if the eqn is really this, then i think i'm not doing this qns', and then (tried to politely) flipped the qns paper infront of him. ahhahas. 20mins later, he came back to the examination room and informed everyone about the mistake in the qns. that subtly victorious moment. but it wasn't all enough to get an A THOUGH.
i mean after the exam, after the exchange of ans with my friends, i knew i had some calculation error. but that's the prob.. because there were answers to even exchange and talk about, i knew that this sem was a relatively easy paper and it would be harder to be differentiated to get an A.
so after the paper, i sort of knew that to get an A was abit hard. i think my deepest conscience knew that i'm probably riding on an A-, but my ego was telling me that i should be getting an A coz of the freaking amount of effort and dedication i put in. i mean, some of my friends were even asking me how to teach them some qns. i'm mean i'm not bragging coz i dont understand shit, i just knew how to get the ans and pass the exam. ahhahas.
but ok, i do have to admit one subtle credit - you.
b4 entering 2019 Jul sem, i did tell u about my fears in dsp and u told me that i could do it.
no, i didn't really have that level of belief to work hard just bc u told me that i could do it. but i rmbr u telling me that dsp was ur thing. i guess being tripleE, it was also like a language u can really understand. so i guess, a part of me strive to work hard to try and understand what u would understand. i think it was pretty pointless of me to have such a motivation since u dont want me anymore, but i guess it was subtly a gd point coz in my darkest of DSP moments, it was that drive that kept me pressing on for answers to that meaningless ejkn. hahhas. idk. some days i felt hope, but most of the days was just validation that u're no longer within communication range.
so anyways, A-. ok. feels like... my relationship with u. though i wanted an A or even an A+, it was something that i could only own, while it was something that you could give. an A but with a minus to it. HAHAH WTS but ya. literature. metaphor. whatever lameshit.

HFS303 SAFETY, RISK AND RESILLIENCE ENGINEERING.
this one big disappointment. i expected this to get an A. no less. i dont have an excuse for a B+. i had a 3-day gap to study after the previous paper. this is something i'm good in. something that i was actually paid for to do when i was working as a BD. i even conducted some meetings and trngs before. BUT I GOT A B+. and to add on, my grp report (which i tanked this) got the highest in the whole level. so to get a personal grade of B+ was very disappointing. i really needed this to be A coz if not, for next sem's mods, i'd need to ACE all the 3 mods which are mods that not in my comfort zone. idky how, but i do want to 'blame' it on the strict marking. maybe i deserve a A- coz i didn't put in as much as effort as ENG311, but i still studied hard for this coz i knew i had to secure a A. so this B+ really stood out when i saw my result slip today. i probably need a few more days to just accept it, but rn, i just feel like, WHY SIA.


SST102 HUMAN FACTORS AND SYSTEMS DESIGN
ok, this A+, i can generally say that its something i dont deserve given the amount of respect i give to this module. i didn't study much for this module, coz its also something i'm good and so exposed to (at work trngs) also coz everyone say it's an ez mod. the paper was on the day after ENG311 so i only started studying proper the evening before. on the night b4 the paper, my friend and i actually felt like we shouldn't go for the paper. take next sem or smth. coz while studying / doing past yr papers, we realized that there's so much we couldn't do. close book somemore. but an angel sent another classmate to randomly msg me to check out the revision classroom recording. so at about 11pm, i was gg through the revision lecture recording. so at about 1am, i decided to LET'S DO THIS.
slept at about 3am. then started studying again at 9am.... and it also helped that the paper was a 4pm.
i really crammed like mad. and while doing the paper, i really felt so damn good about it. but all that last min studying and cramming really did actually cause a physical  headache. i also needed to pee during the exam, so i decided to leave 40mins b4 time's up coz i just wanted to just get over and done with. i did feel confident to leave my answers just as that. i knew that there were only 2 small parts of the big qns that i didnt knew, but other than that, the rest was like... 100%. so after i pee-ed and rested my head awhile, i do feel that an A+ was pretty achievable.
so to see the A+ for this mod, it was also a very mixed feeling.
happy coz it's something i did expect in the end, but feeling abit undeserving coz i didnt put in as much effort and respect as i did with other mods.


okok. 30mins is almost up and i think i shld start working to get my A.
so to try and summarize all these emotions, i'm grateful, slightly, but still feel like just fell short of something that was within my reach in the end. sounds like my r/s with u again. but hahas, it's all the same, u wont get what u want. hahahahs.

ok. i need to get A for this FYP (EAS499).
looking at my project, i feel like its damn damn far fetched, but i think its worth a fighting try.
it's pretty crazy, coz i really cannot afford a single A-, especially when all the remaining mods are programming. not much better than my level of understanding for electronics. a single A- for any of the 3 remaining mod will throw me in a 3.99 situation. only scoring all As will put me in 4.01.
idk how i'm gg to do this, but i think its still abit early to lose hope.

come on, sportspoon. i can do this.
if i can overcome any heartbreaks, i think programming is survivable? HAHA. meh.
ok i dont only need to survive, i need to thrive.

recalculating...

hi.
ok so, last week exams ended. i felt that i nailed the last paper. but anything can happen right? anyway, i've been wanting to blog since the last week, but only managed to switch on the laptop to get some fyp done.


after the last paper, like almost immediately, i felt my brain so empty. like everything's out now. what's there left?
it really felt very empty.
its like the whole system just reformatted clean.
like its has been for a few months like after/before work, i'd be planning to complete this assignment, that assignment, then prep for lab test, then execute study plans and all. it was easy to push all other plans aside or rather, use 'study' as the most legit and best excuse to just do the 'right' thing.
so after exams, i starting to get abit apprehensive that my path of escapism was starting to dissipate.

so it was dinner with the studying squad. almost celebratory for the almost graduation since it was just fyp left for some of the guys and knowing that they'll clear the paper.
it's a pretty forgiving semester i must say. not only the modules are generally not as difficult, the papers were unexpectedly expected. usually the paper would catch us by surprise since tthe type of qns are new and never from past year papers.. but this year was just too kind. i really hope i can push through to get all As and i really cant wait to get my results.

so yea. dinner was at our usual keisuke hamburg, then we went for some drinks. first time we all really sat down and have a chill beer tgr just to congratulate ourselves for the long 4 yrs.

i still rmbr how what was i feeling then and what's going on in my head.
though it was reformatted and back to a clean state, the excess RAM was really still on its momentum. everything started seeping in through the cracks. small cracks, but high in velocity and pressure. just like bernoulli's principle in the venturi tube. hahas.


just exactly last semester, on my last paper, u brought me out for dinner.
what amplified that thought was that keisuke hamburg was just around the place we had our last 2 dinners. after drinks, i walked back, looked at the familiar paths and shudder.
i really missed u.
but what else can i do but to just stay away?
i wondered what u are doing now. how are u. hows ur work coming along. if u're fine and all.
surely u'd be fine w/o me as how u'd be able to excel and function in life b4 realizing my existence and since in my presence that i made no impact in ur life. hahas
i really tried not to text u, but like how it always is, the more i try not to, the stronger the resistance and the intensity of those thoughts. now that all those equations and all vommited out leaving so much space, and probably with that bit of drinks, i just texted, "how are you".
holy, after i clicked sent, i immediately regretted.

i didnt expect u to reply coz ever since u didn't want me to be part or ur life, u took hours to reply; and u replied probably out of obligation or just trying to send a message that my texts are just those whatever texts. but then, my phone vibrated and i was surprised to see ur text pop up after just a few mins.
already, it was a surprise that u texted, but ur one liner reply was enough to hit me even more coz its something i did not expect.
"i'm fine thanks for asking... i'm sure you are too aren't you"
that liner kept reciting in me over and over for the past week. i'm probably being sensitive, but y did u accentuate the fact that i'm fine, or rather, the fact that u're sure that i'm fine. what are u trying to imply? is that intentional? u really think i'm always fine w/o u? that's probably what's expected of me as my default format. again, i knew my mind was going rampage with exam momentum still on and w/o any engineering content. i had to mentally discipline myself to stop my nonsense and take it as it's just he being him. i didnt know how to reply to that and i also didnt want him to think that i'm a conversation killer, so i asked about his work. and also bc i really wanted to read his paper since it was something he's spent so much time on it and probably also coz it was something that made my existence insignificant to him after all.

it's just all so... ugghh.
i realized actually, though we had spent hours on heart to heart talks that i still value, i still didnt really know who are u / what kind of person are you. i probably think too highly of you, and think too highly of myself. u probably realized that my flaws weren't something that u could live with and so, in a nicer way, i guess i wasn't the right person for u. and to think of it, unlike k1, i really didn't know you, nor what you are looking for in a person. i rmbr we had this discussion b4, on the type of person u'd like. i probably met those 'surface level' criteria, but i guess i wasn't listening or rather/ i didnt bother reading in between the lines. i trusted raw honesty too much that i guess, i over expected, over trusted the how raw and honest i could be with anyone.

anyway. i'm glad i'm starting to get tired of all these directionless and not validating thoughts. i mean, life w/o u now has been twice the length of time that's spent getting to know each other. why do i want to keep holding on to good memories when they are in fact, platforms to false hopes. i really shouldnt allow myself to fall so deep into someone i dont really know right.


so anyway.
speaking of which, how do we really know if we really know a person?
i though i knew k1.... but look at him now. though i'm quite accurate on the type of gf u're looking for, other then deciding to get baptized in a church, how u can treat a person u're close to / u know / have known, so coldly is just out of my expectations. i mean like. whut?!!?!! like to a point.. wtf.
at work, idky but recently i've been bumping to u at work. idk  how u can really disregard my presence at a legit working environment. hey.
i'm over the point that i'm sad. its getting annoying.
u say u moved on. u got gf now and all.. but why are u still holding on to all the grudges? u are the one who didnt want to keep me in the end despite me trying to salvage whatever that's left. u are also the one who said that we could be friends, now what's all this about man? ur ego? my pride?

u know, many a times i wanted to text ur friend who betrayed or rather, boycotted the whole thing by telling u things that added fuel to fire. i regretted telling her our problems, in hope that she could help explain some things to u in which i couldnt phrase to you. its not about me not being honest to u, but its how she crafted my heart cries into hammers that crushes the bits of my heart to you. i do feel that that isn't fair to me. but what could i expect when u've known her for 10 yrs, while u only know a blinded-in-love me for only 3 years?

so anyway after exams, i also wanna bring mother poon to the bkt stall u brought me to when u brought me to jb. i tried to google, but so many bkt stalls came up and they all looked the same. i rmbred its a walking dist from KSL mall.. but there were a few around that area.
so, i had to msg u to ask. i tried to not think of anything and just text u as how i would text any other human.
"Hey! Sorry to trouble u. U have the address of the bkt u brought me to the other time? I wanna bring my mum go but idk which one. Thanks!" nothing to it. sounds ok right?
but as usual, u didnt reply. i think about half a day later, i was just getting abit frustrated... so i texted again to say...
"Its been such a long time and i just hope that u'd be able to put away all the ups and downs. I mean i no longer expect that u'd wanna treat me as a friend ever again, but i just hope u'd be able to help me out coz i really wanna bring my mother go but idk where it is! Thanks and i hope u'd understand."
now what? is it too much to ask to provide an address?
if i dont mean anything or if u say u've nothing anymore, then y dont u just reply another human who's asking a qns. if u can't give a shit, u can just reply 'idk'. at least its a reply right. damn petty. man up bro.

rn now, its like, who tf are u. how could i love someone who has no kindness like this?
tbh, to say in frustration, i'm glad that i'm not spending a lifetime with someone who has 0 kindness. do u get what i mean? who's the person that i love again?
after all these yrs, u've made ur point, i've also written to u that i've gotten ur point. after being a pest by camping outside ur house so many nights, u finally agreed to have that one last talk, and we came to an agreement though u left me to accept that i am super out of ur life, and out of ur memories.

i always try to replay those last sharp words u've said to me and also agreeing that i am a selfish person. but it always recalls back the other stuff tt u also said before.. things like "i've never loved somone like this before." gross. haha. u've really totally ruined it u know. now anyone what says that to me, is just a freakin liar. ppl say things in the moment and no one and nothing is really certain.


anyway, thanks to k1 and k2, it really made me learn something; u can never really know who a person is. they've probably successfully scarred my lovelife forever, but i thank them for reminding me to set up, or rather, reinforce my walls of defenses. i should have never really love anyone so deep coz at the end of the day, i'm just another one of their past or worse, no longer part of their memory. haha.
well, though those up and down are all now painful memories to me, at least i know that i can, and have loved a person so deeply and that's enough for me to die in peace.

i really think that it'll be a long time till i allow someone into my heart again. and sorry to those that i'm being defensive with now whenever i sense that u're caring more than how u would to a friend. i'm also learning how to not let u fall into this abyss and mine or rather, learning how not to give a shit about anything in life.i dont deserve ur time and u deserve a line drawn from my scars. ppl who have tried to understand my scars have all walked out eventually. no matter how honest, how intelligent, how persevering, in the end, its all the same.

rn, only mother poon and my sis matters to me.
its not gg to be an easy year for my sis and mother poon, but thank all you individual guys for collectively preparing me and toughening myself up for the next year. i just need to be strong for the 2 ladies and allow mother poon to realized that we're all good on our own; that she really have nothing to worry about.


i really hope that i dont have to keep coming back here and emotional vomit out about ppl i love/d.
i also realize that the less that i'm texting my daily rants, i'm also tweeting more which really helps. hahas. u know, last tues after trng, for the first time in my life, while checking my phone after a 2hr trng, i had no new whatsapp msges. not even from all those muted grp chats. ahhas i actually felt that superficial peace. though there's that tad of loneliness, but i could walk to my bike, under the moonlit night, not having to look at my phone, and enjoy the quiet and peace of the night especially at a ulu place like the fields of turf city.

-----


i'm not sure if i've shared this before, i ever did think of being a single mom. like these few yrs, i'm (finally) starting to think of having my own kids. all along i love kids, (thanks to ruizhi and chenxi whom grew up at my place;) but i never thought of having my own kids. hahahs. probaby its me hitting the big 3 this year, that i'm starting to have kids of my own flesh and blood.

so the... 'problem' is, to have ur own kid, u need a sperm right. hahas so actually, sperm bank is one of the options. but here comes the social problems that i'd need to overcome (ranked in order or importance):
1. mother poon being a grandmother without a son-in-law.
2. the kid would have no father
3. he/she would not be growing up an environment what the society deems as a family unit.
4. no government subsides on baby bonus / not sure if sch fees also applies coz u need both parents's name.

financially would not be a problem if i change job; and i can still go out and earn money if mother poon i still around. but those are key decision factors that i'm not sure if i can take a risk.

so just 2 days ago at work, some of us were talking about love and marriage. so someone asked me, would i marry a rich guy or a guy who loves you alot.
in the past, the answer would be so clear and obvious. obviously a guy who loves u alot right?
but now on the second thought no. i'd probably choose a rich guy. at least if my husband loses all his money, it wouldn't really affect me coz i should still be financially independent and its just another worldly material that i'm losing;i'd probably lose all the 'bonuses' in life. money can still earn back. but if my husband decides to stop loving me and walk out on me, i dont think i can emotionally and mentally exclude myself and literally be mutually exclusive again. too be a loss. too big a risk.

hence, u see so much divorce cases every day. in the past, it was almost a taboo to file for a divorce. in the past, it was all about arranged marriages. 2 strangers getting married. 2 strangers forcing themselves to learn to overcome each other's flaws and go through obstacles to stay together. even if there's no love, its about honouring the marriage, staying together for the kids. so at the end of the day, theres' really nothing much that the couple can't achieve since everything's been ironed out right from the start.
it works so much bettter rather than...out of the now conventional "marrying our of love".



so then, it brings us back to the qns, why would u want to marry someone out of love?
love is so intangible.
if you love someone so much, what's the point / the need to have a change in status. the ROM cert doesn't, and shouldn't affect the depth of love right. it's all just a societal status. so why the need to unless its for the paper work.

perhaps, if u're ok with marrying someone who doesnt love u, at least marry someone who is responsible. at least he wouldn't treat you as non-existent. even if he doesn't want to be part in ur life anymore, at least ur presence on this planet can be validated and its up to u to pick urself up from there.

so for me, this game changing year is that, i should be marrying someone for the paperwork. for the kid, for the house.
u see, for all these admin / govt paperwork, u just need a spouse name to facilitate everything especially when it comes to subsidies which would make ur life easier.
so if the guy is responsible and doesnt love me, at least he's stay for the kid and the kid can have a legit father. haha. he probably just need to show up/ show face at those key festive events like cny or christmas with the fam and relatives who or or less is indirectly related to the status of the marriage.

maybe that's what 2.5 is looking for and then left when i wasnt ready to go further with him. at least out of all the r/s, he's the 'fairest' coz though i also loved him, he was careful and made sure i didn't fall so deep for him along the way. all those mutual checks and balances he effected; he handled our emotions so carefully that until up to this day, he's the only guy who didnt made me hate myself for being myself. he's such a pro. though i still i miss him a little, its doesn't make me feel like i'm a horrible person who's not worth the love.



phew, anyway, i'm glad that's all out.
schs' out and now i'm left with intermittent submissions of the fyp report.
i'm glad that's another thing to keep me busy.
and also, i'm soooo glad to be back in contact! our club is probably gg to merge with another club due to the lack of players for 15s. but i'm secretly glad coz at least now we're gonna get a more structured trng!

after watching Japan play at the world cup, it just inspires me to be a better rugby player and a better person. i'm starting to get more motivated to gym and condition myself for 15s.
also, its been alonnngg time since i had time for myself, to really do the things that i want to and not feel like i'm being selfish by spending my time at trngs and all. bc there's no one else left, other that going for trngs, i even have extra time for mother poon though she's the one that has priority of my time now without the exams. thank God her schedule is pretty flexible also. hahas.


well, i cant wait for 2020. it's probably gg to be much different year for me as compare to the last few dark years. in the meantime, i think i should list down some things on my list as 2020 is approaching:
1. my fyp
2. class 2 license
3. class 3 license
4. plan for Nepal ABC trek next yr!!!!!!
5. bring mother poon to jb by end of this yr
6. mother poon and sis to taiwan in jan (hopefully)
7. depending on this sem's results, then i can see if i'm still on track to 2nd class upp
8. class 2 bike? hahas
9. TOURING.
10. erm ok, pack my room. hahahs. this should be #1. but erm... fyp first la ah? hahas


:)
thank you God for staying with me and providing me with all the music that calms the soul and heals the wounds. thank u for providing me with comfort in the darkest of nights. thank u for keeping my family safe so far and i pray then u can keep us all together, all 4 of us.
i also wanna pray to be a better person. i still hope that i can remain as passionate, but i hope that my intentions wont be misunderstood by anyone and that my scars wont make me less of a forgiving and horrible person. thank u for all the trials and tribulations. i mean though they're really painful and haunting, i know that they're all to make me a better person. i hope that i can continue to trust the process, and trust in You rather than my own voice and defenses.



looking foward to finishing up this dec 2019 and my fyp interim submission! hahas

almost there

3 papers down, one more to go on monday.
its about 2228hrs, trying to study in the airport at my usual place.

went back to work for the last 2 morng shifts.
feeling tired from the week of exams and studying and work;
hence, taking a break from studying for now.


i think i should sum up the feelings now for this sem.
done with all the tough mods, cleared 2 heavy papers and 1 light paper, more light one to go.

RCM on tues. (Reliability Centered Maintenance) felt like i did my best given the time frame, with a mod of my playing field; but always feel like i could do better, or could be more be more efficient in my writing.

DSP on wed. (Digital Signal Processing) the core mod that i've dedicated 90% of my studying time to. it was always switching from studying DSP, to RCM then back to DSP. the paper felt easy. not because i studied so hard, but coz everyone also felt that the paper was easy. so it did felt like i overstudied coz now everything just neutralizes. its was also coz its was one of those electronics mod that i fear, so i dedicated more time to it. subtly, it was also coz it was ur field. but anway, from working towards a pass to aiming for an A, now it just feels abit in the soup (haha directly translated from chinese) coz of the easy paper. not that i was wishing for a hard paper though. hahas. maybe abit? but no. hahahahas. but its the last 'heavy' module for my course, so finishing the paper macham felt abit like i'mgonnagrad. (but no. there's still 2 more programming mod + capstone + exam results not even out hor)

HF on thurs. (Human Factors). ahhas. level 1 mod. my thing. but was over complacent in the studying since opportunity costs was heavily towards DSP. i mean i did study abit, but i only started to focus and pay more attention on like, wed evening. hahas. the night before the paper, my friend and i had like 70% feels to not go for the paper (take next sem). then coz probably the grace of God fell from the sky, a random group mate from other module msged me to tell me to watch the revision lecture that was being recorded which some of us weren't aware of coz the lecturer didnt want to tell us the details of the revision lecture (since it was re-sit students and not for us); and that the whole sem's lecturers weren't recorded coz all of our lects were held in NP. yea. so like about 1am, i was on my bed watching the revision lect and making annotations. damn assuring. hahas. my friend also watched till about midnight. so on thurs morng, we're like...LOL. let's do this. also, all of our papers were 1pm paper, but also by the grace of God, for some reason, this paper was at 4pm. so we had more time to literally last min study. so we studied on our own and at about 2pm (2hrs b4 exam), we went through past year papers together real quickly and tested each other coz it was a closed-book exam. 4pm came. i flipped opened the qns paper, and dumped whatever i had stored in my working memory in point form on the qns paper before doing the paper proper.
hahas ok, so i left the hall 20 mins b4 submission, the first and last paper that i'd ever do that, feeling like i nailed it. during the paper, at some point, i felt like i was flexing to the marker by drawing graphs (those i learnt while trying to understand more quickly via YouTube) and all. haha, quite disgusting yet proud of myself, i think i can A+ this mod. A would be a disappointing. hahas pretty arrogant for a paper that i was complacent in my studies, but that's how assuring the revision lect was.
i mean i also left the hall earlier coz for some reason, i felt like i needed to pee and had a mild headache. when i reached back the revision room, i had a pounding headache. i dont usually get headaches (probably the first since one bad one that i could rmbr back in 2017 while u were around). it felt like the AMS kind. my kind friend got me panadol, but i just wished that u were by my side. i just needed ur shoulders to lie on to feel that peace again. i guess coz its been a long time since i really tried to cramp super much things in my head in a super short period of time.


ok. didn't expect to long-winded that part.


but yea, this sem.
pretty smooth sailing. like all my sch lectures didnt' clash much with my work schedules and in fact, i had pockets of opportunities to even include some Tough trngs and even managed to play a season in the Touch League.



i'm just... probably in awe that this sem and almost becoming a large part of 2019 that things have been kind. too kind, that i'm always reminded to always be thankful and appreciative.

i mean, it is still very scary that how good and nice things / people can just disappear like what happens when Thanos snaps his fingers.
rides homes from the west still include thoughts of u. however, i am believing that i'm starting to stride over all the unhappy past. some of the nights, i still dream of u. and in fact, the week before exam week, i had consecutive dreams of u, not those nightmaring kinds, but those oh, wow, ok. like i woke up, reflected on the dream, lingered on the good feels but also trying to re-assess my state. as in like, i guess i'm sailing so smoothly that i do expect no dreams of u in any format. no dreams, no nightmares with u in it. but they do still appear. i'm also not in an state of consciously pushing them away as with the pink elephant ideology, but yes, they still run through my mind when i'm sleeping.

probably also coz it's DSP. all ur fields. in pockets of stressed out moments, i let in some thoughts of u. like it'd be interesting if we could talk and discuss about this module. for some freaking reason, i'm actually starting to like this electronic mod. pretty sure that this part is not because of u. but as mentioned, its my most weakest field, so i really spent alot of effort trying to get it. and while its overcoming hurdles understanding non-understandable concepts, probably the feels of the little victories mimmicks the positive reward reinforcement to start liking something that i could start to understand. so, its with this understanding that i did think if we could be talking about these concepts tgr. then again, i guess if i had u around, i'd probably be dependent on you and not work so hard like this. really. if i get a B+ for this, i'd really be disappointed.

its like.. for monday's paper, only started to study on thurs night.
its probably an 'easy module' but i hope i'm not expecting it to be an easy paper.


i actually do have alot in my mind.


actually apart from blogging out this exam period, i'm also blogging its coz i just wanna straighten out some of my thoughts and hypothesis about u.
i dont deny that i'm thinking of u on most of the days, but these thoughts dont torture me as how those in 2018 could.

i'm always wondering how are you? what are u doing? are you happy?
and it ends off with "it shouldn't concern me and u'd be happy without me."
on more... lonelier quiet days, hmmm.. or rather, (exam) stressful days, i do ask if myself if u're really happy without me. like, could u be happy without me? but most of the time i shrugged it off with the reminders that they all did choose to walk out in the end, closing the door shut behind.
then the harmful second train of thoughts, carrying self-doubt and self-esteem qns fall in. "why didnt you like me in the end?" "what did i do to make u hate me like this?" "am i that of a horrible person when i'm in love or even when i'm not?" well, at least now they're identifiable, as in like, at least i'm aware of blocking out all these degrading thoughts before letting their effects run its course.


class95 lovelife forum at night, esp since its always the time i'm riding back home, does keep me distracted and yet focused at times. haha some times i write in to comment and my comment gets read out by John Klass. hahas. the irony. me giving ppl advices to ppl with the same problems as me.
i do think of taking a ride up to mount faber and bask under the moonlight in the quiet of the night and high above from the problems. but then,  i guess it wasn't practical to do so - to be alone at night in an isolated place. also, i couldnt be sure if mt faber felt peaceful beacuse of u or because it was mt faber on its own. then again, its not worth the risk.
haha, there was one night that i had to make a delivery to a house at mt faber cres. i passed by mt faber, and also henderson waves and was so close to going up to henderson waves just to spend some quiet time with myself. but what's the point if u're not there and also, if it just adds on risk to my personal safety with justifiable benefits being induced. was so closed to msging u, but i refrained from unlocking my phone to evict out a step 2.


i mean sometimes i do think like.. we should not marry because of love. marrying someone because of love leaves you with something / an opportunity for you to lose something, or gives someone that opportunity to take something so important away from you. why take the risk? HFACS says like 1st line of hazard control is to Eliminate then Substitute then implement engineering controls and lastly, admin controls (personal protective equipment).  haahhhhah that pun. anyways ya. so like.. we should probably marry because we need a name tied to a legit person on documentations for like.. idk .. house? apply for govt grant for baby benefits? haha idk, what else?
perhaps thats why ppl of the past always say to marry a rich man. at least if he losses all the money, u dont lose much coz its not ur money to begin with. losing a loved one is much more severe than losing a rich man. DONT YOU AGREE? hahhas.

i mean there are also days where i straddle across thoughts of losing faith in love entirely. actually the the moment of typing this, 10% having faith in love. hahs. well, better than 90% lost in love hahahas (HF's heuristics on Framing Bias), though they're effectively the same.
ok, there's somone still msging me intermittently, and since 2018 if i rmbr correctly. idk how and why, but i still rmbr that there are some days i just wanna msg him out all my internal issues, but i dont.
i dont because i'm not ready to be myself infront of anyone coz it has been proven i could lose that person entirely;
i dont because it wouldn't be fair to him if it was just me wanting to rant out to someone;
i dont because i'm picking up confidence in facing and solving my own issues on my own and internally.
i dont because i dont wanna give in to any chances.
but having said all of that, there are a few spurr of the moments that i was happy to receive his msges. however, i can no longer be sure if i'm happy coz it was him msging me, or me receiving a text from someone.


ok la. i really duno how to frame it all this time round, i just know that life is really much kinder, and God has always been faithful.
i still miss you and i'm ok with that.
its more like, i'm not going to deny nor refuse the probability of me missing u for the rest of my life. perhaps its no longer just about u, but wtih d, k1 and k2, its all the same. hence, using a venn diagram, it brings it all back to me, handling my own emotions and state of mind.

ok. 2338hr. i'm tired. but i don deserve to go home coz i'm left with 1 more chapter to study before i can start revising for the exam proper. its one of the papers that i need to A it if i want to grad with a 4.01 gpa and not 3.99. THAT DIFFERENCE. yes, that's the level of self-induced stress i'm dealing with. hahas. but better than dealing with the 2018 struggles.


idk how to end this post, coz if u realize, i has been for a very long while since i started to use this space to emotionally vomit rather than the original agenda of sharing my eventful life activities and key pivotal thoughts in life.
hmmm. ok. i guess, i'm appreciating the little changes or rather, improvements in whatever. (haha i dont even know how to phrase/ classify/ describe).  i guess now i can (almost start to) consider myself as an engineering grad, and i should learn to 1 0 my life as well. with the errors and fluctuating noise, i just need to apply the correct filters and smoothen out all the peaks and troughs in life, without eliminating and neglecting key pivotal moments, good or bad.
haha, maybe i should work out a possibility of doing a framework for discussing or solving ur mental emotions - the engineering way. there probably already is, but maybe its more of like.. writing to cater/speak to engineering ppl. then again, if they're alrdy engineering, they would probably be able to 1 0 their life out on their own.

ok. that is random and so deviated.
i guess i should stop now.
and to whoever is faithfully back to read this meaningless (for now) space, thank you.
ahahad u can drop me a dm if u have any Q&A. HAHAHA. whatever siol. okok, kthnxbye. :)

the jump

some days i feel free.
some days it creeps in.
but eveything's under control.

binged watch The Last Madame on Toggle. such an excellent drama series.
some times i wonder what would it be like if i was back in the 1920s, in sg as a woman.

"a strong woman who throws her strength away is worse than a weak woman who have no strength to even throw away."

some days i wished i had this yr's schedule of things back in 2017 or even 2018.
i dont want to wonder what difference would it make,
but i choose to think tt it wouldnt matter.

30.
i feel that jump.
though its really just a number without much significance, there's an imaginary gap that requires you to take a leap. its not so much of where u're jumping into.. but like.. how are u going to make that jump.


i still wonder about that one night that i woke up in shock and crying in your arms.
it just proves that there lived a monster, well hidden in the abyness
perhaps we all have that monster in us,
it's just about if we're able to live in peace with it; letting it create havoc if it wanted to, but just making sure that it doesn't consume us and those within close range of us.


my heart feels dead. - not in a bad way actually.
its more like, i'm probably learning to master mind over matter, mind over heart.
feelings and emotions are just the evoked intrinsic effects of hormones, but its the mind that should be in control and be in-check.



some days. i miss you.
but i have no idea what it means anymore.
all the real conversations with anyone aren't real,
while nothing matters.


i dont feel goal-less, but i just feel that probably, some things in life aren't really that necessary. or rather, i guess not everyone deserves certain goods and bads in life.
i have learnt to embraced the struggles. i thank them for making future rocky routes more bearable while the falls seems to be cushioned.


i not that i dont need anybody in life. but its just a good reminder that no one is in charged of my happiness except for myself.
i can finally say that i'm finally learning to love myself.
its not just about taking care of urself, or settling for excuses or find comfort in logical reasons. but as simple as it is, it just about appreciating life and thank God for every single day and everyone. even if its the shittiest of days, or the most horrible persons, its things and ppl that have crossed paths with ours.


i still wished that ppl we once knew, once interacted with, and especially those that are so close to us; wont choose to be strangers. individuals who were once a big part of our lives and have occupied a big space in our hearts will definitely leave their footprints as scars. it shouldnt make us less beautiful people, but it should allow us to find courage to take on challenges and fall while learning to stand again.


haha. this post sounds so fictitious, so modelled, so cliche; but that's all the simple truths about circulated cliches. i'm still learning kind to myself, without compromising on the expectations of myself nor threatening my life's principles. i'm learning to accept that people who you can strongly love will strongly want you out of their lives as well; accept the choices that people whom you love would want to revert back to the unfamiliar faces in the crowd again.

that's how life goes. we dont drown in the waves but ride along the tides. we fall, but we'll ride again till the time we're gone and officially out of breath.
meanwhile, people who love you will chose to stay without any conscious effort. its not that we take them for granted, but we should be mindful of our heart, still guarding it fiercely with respect and in love.


love is a choice.
it is a fleeting feeling.
let's not chain ourselves up but stand firm in kindness and with the bits of shattered heart left. the remaining pieces are evidences that we've got capacity to carry loads and go through even tougher days all over again, again and again.

hi

well, i guess things are getting better? that not said with any conviction, but its been a lonnnnggg while since i've felt... lighter? not physical weight (i wish).. but my heart just feels like its finally starting to mend its wounds from all the battles.

its been too long.

last night i had quite a cut on my 4th finger. its abit upsetting coz i've got a few upcoming bowling tournaments and injuries always happen at the more impt parts. it hurts. like with the fuel trying to dry up the blood while the blood is like trying to flow out. couldnt stop to clean the wound, or rather, not a big issue to do so. so i carried out removing the fuel pump with my blood colouring the component.

but yea. it hurts, but is wasn't as painful. idk if becoming 'dark' and emo is now a part of me, but pain doesnt seem to bother me anymore (except going to the dentist). its like, my heart has been hurting for the longest time that any physical pain seems ok since it can replace the deep intrinsic hurt awhile. haha no, i dont think i'm in any state of depression unlike in 2018. but just feel more... resilient? or u can say... dontgiveashit.

i still miss those to 2 ks. haha. maybe i should just label them k1 and k2 here since i dont wanna type their names out here anymore. k1 has always been at the back of my mind, unfortunately. i still see him at work and evidently, he's been superly avoiding any eye contact with me. sometimes i do see him actually turning around to walk in another direction just to avoid me. i've come to reconcile with that. but i just feel like.. i mean if i mean nothing to u anymore which u've clearly mentioned and wanted to establish that, then y does it bother u? my closer cols who know about u and i actually ask me why u like that eh. if i dont mean anything, so chill. each time i see him or see any persons looking like him, the butterflies in my stomach still comes alive. but they dont flutter as aggressively as before. the just give some mild jerks and fly away. i wanna say i miss u, but i dont think now i really do? i feel myself learning to let go properly, also coz u're with someone whom i did tell u that its what u're looking for in a gf also.

its like what some thought catalogue said... we shouldnt fight trying to stop missing the person, we should just learn to accept it and move on. k1 will always be part of my memory and nothing can change that coz we're all wired up that way unless i go into some accident and damage my brain cortex or smth.

let me try and google something tangible out of that.

haha yea.

ok k2. this is a special case, also coz i failed to define our r/s properly. i mean, i couldnt also given the timeline of events and exams altogether, also with the tight cutoff time he gave. haha. its like those major TMA submissions.. like if u dont hand in by 2355, u dont get a 2nd chance. i mean u can still submit, but ur grades will be severely affected.

i miss him, but i guess its more like.. what a pity that i couldnt spend more time to get to know him better. but if that is really him, i dont think i can deal with someone so.... haha i dont even know.
i used to think he was different, like he was someone very understanding to my problems. but they're all the same. perhaps coz he understands me so much that he knows that he can't handle my issues. i guess i'm ok with that. but until now, i still dont know what kind of girl u're looking for. its good that i dont know also so i wouldnt subconsciously strive to be the person whom u'd want to be with.

but that's all good isnt it? he just had to walk away just like that.
clearly to him, the friendship isn't something worth keeping as well.
i dont think i can stop loving anyone once i have started to love them more than an average human i know. just like k1, he'll always have a space in my heart just that i'm not going to do anything about it. as with k2, its just... undefinable? to u, its like a null set. i've got all these feelings and i dont know how to deal with them. perhaps like they all say, time heal all wounds.
cliche shit. but from k1, it's evident that i'm learning. i'm dealing with it better emotionally, i guess also coz now that i've more time to play rugby and all to limit my time to being emo.

but one thing for sure is, i dont think i wanna get involved emotionally so deep unless i'm given clearance to? with k1 and k2, without their... erm..... permission / consent, i fell in love so deep. then its all with assumptions that progression becomes inevitable or in their context, 'supposed to be'. perhaps its just them reciprocating to my feelings and positive actions/emotions, but i dont think i'd wanna do that anymore.


on the lovelife forum on class 95fm recently, it just irks me that ppl are seeking advice just because they found someone better / some 'soulmate' while they're in a r/s. i mean like... erm whut. someone even asked like "should i break up with him coz he's too stable". she elaborated that she wanted some guy to throw her off her feet and all those shit... and the guy wanted to bring her to maldives so she's also asking if she should go for the trip... wtf gurl. yea maybe u should break up with him coz u dont deserve him. ok loh, i guess u break up, and get together with someone else, and after the honeymoon period, u continue ur feat..since u're just idealizing every part of a r/s. of course, ppl flamed her... esp on fb msges which the dj didn't bother reading out. hahahs.
one of the comments was like "love is a choice".
i couldn't agree more man.
k1 and k2 has chosen to stop loving me. i do want to do that too, but its really difficult. i can't even justify that further. tt's y i've learnt or rather, still learning to reconcile with all these emotions. keep them, but put them aside and not them evoke into actions. if anyone wants to enter my heart, he should learn to reconcile with that too. that's probably my #1 mandatory requirement too. if u can't deal with it, move on. i dont want to open up anymore memory space for ppl who's gg walk out on me eventually. its too taxing.




but yea. i'm blogging today coz i'm supposed to be doing an assignment, but i'm just missing those ks. hahas. its ok that they dont love me anymore, or want to have nothing to do with me anymore. more imptly is that i shouldnt stop loving myself. i'm working on learning how to practice self-love and more imptly, self-respect. i've probably lost myself so much that ppl who really want to love me dont even know how to.

recently, one of my bestfriend also just broke up with the girl he met online. they met around the same time as k2 and i. i mean he always tell me how excited and happy is he when she text him this and that.. and recently, he told me about all those travelling plans for the year and the next. and just like that.. no more.? but one thing he shared with me much earlier in the r/s which was quite a red flag to me.. she ask him like "how are u going to add value to my life when we're tgr". hmmm. idk, and i wouldn't qns the rationale behind her intentions, but this girl is clear and pragmatic man. i think she should meet k2. maybe they can reason out their expectations and all tgr since they're so freaking clear of what they want in a r/s.
i'm really sad for him. he's always a giving person and its nice to have someone asking him about his day and all again. he tells me like he's so happy when someone can actually show her cares for him. got one time he shared about what he did for her.. like write some note on a piece of tissue or smth.. the whole thing made me teared man. haha. also coz tt time k2 just told me he didn't want me also, so everything was very sensitve to me at that point in time.

there's this song... "from strangers to lovers to strangers...."
tbh, i dont understand how someone once so freaking impt and being a huge part in ur life can just simply revert back to being some other stranger living on this earth, and worse still, in the same country / geographical area. why can't ppl look up and move on? hahah (saying that to me as well, but hey! i'm working so well on it man.) if it means nothing to u, why does it bother u? issit ego? what else?


thank God for all these brutal ppl. it makes me realize that people can choose to be brutal just bc they want to for whatever the reasons. its not that we lose hope in humanity, but its more impt that we reflect on our actions inwardly, and ensuring that we dont lose sight of what's impt to us and to the good of mankind. seriously.
there's so much more to do while we're alive on this earth so full of misery and pain. we couldn't be always questioning why ppl do this why ppl do that; rather, let's all be flexible and yet, grounded. coldplay says "nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard, oh take me back to the start."

going back to the start, being hopeful, being positive, being kind to those around and especially to urself but this time, more resilient.
it takes time, and even 10 yrs is still part of a time frame though it kinda pretty long. its a painful process and i can tesitfy that so much. i just hope that if anyone reads this post, they can feel comforted again. i'm glad to start being positive me again here.
nobody said its was easy, but lets be strong to those who still love and care for us. even if it means to put up a strong front and then cry in ur pillows in the wee hours of the night when no one is looking, do it. even if u think there's no one there, just do it to let ur heart out abit. we really dont need anyone to validate or sadness or hope that anyone can come to our rescue. comfort is just a temporal masking of emotions, so u just gotta deal with it urself emotionally; just that in the process, dont do anything extreme that u're gonna regret when u're more sober again. and lastly, if u looking towards the suicidal path.... look at me now. if i had carried on my thoughts and jump off that building that very night, i cannot imagine the state that mother poon is going to be in, i wouldn't be able to see changi jewel today, and i wouldn't be blogging now, telling u how life can really go up if u're down.
having said that, if u're feeling at the lowest, dont expect to go up coz u'll never know that u're at the lowest until u go up.

thank you, chapter closed.

ok, finally with much subtle prompts, u finally decide to tell me that u believe that we wont work out together.
i guess it finally now all make sense when u say u dont want to go slow as a friends first.

thank u for finally telling me this.
i really needed to hear this from you.

supposed to be writing my report now.
its a sunday night and i'm all alone in sch.
too much emotions rn, i just need to vomit it out.

so it really all make sense now.
i just thought it would be more helpful if u told me this real reason so that i wouldnt live with such hurt in the past 4 months.

the only disappointing thing is that somehow u believe that i didn't think we'd would work out. i really wonder what made u think that way. but if its just a mechanism of u to distant urself from me, then ok, fair enough.
on the contrary, i was really hopeful about us. in fact, i dont think i've ever once doubt us? all the deep convos, the mutual understandings and expectations, the accelerated mutual feelings... not even mentioning about the common activities we do like climbing, riding, somehow photography...
how can they all not mean a thing right?
probably the disappointing thing for u is that i couldn't have enough faith with you. and i guess if nothing progress towards your goal in a way u expect it to be, u'd rather not pursue it at all.

i guess i'm really expecting a longer time frame to get to know you first. but i think its rational coz i wanted to get to know more of you before i can give all of my heart to you (thankful that i didnt).
for me, building a future with a person i know for barely 3 months is out of my league. its not like we really hang out or anything in those short periods of time; we just studied/ did our work alot and ate a couple of no more than 10 proper meals together. i mean like, we didnt even do one of our common activity tgr. and i'm not a confident person unless i really know and am comfortable with the person whom i can trust my heart with. i wished i had more time spent with u, but i guess those times are sufficient for u to assess that i'm not enough for u.

things fell apart the moment u gave up and my heart probably sensed that b4 u even knew it.



the hurt i feel now is still pretty intense.
but right now, i dont know what's love anymore. idk if i'm just being loyal, committed or love someone. all those right feelings, those feelings (i thought) out of love, in the end, they all end up being abandoned, betrayed and insignificant. is it coz i've overestimated love? i've never expected anything in return, but i dont like my sincere heart to be abandoned like that. it always hurts and i dont think i can get used to it. or issit coz there's no such thing as human-to-human love, just commitment? Is wanting a person whom u love v much to love u back just as u are too much to ask for?


but at least now, its validated. at least i know its u've given up.
i know that u didn't love me while this is just another.... part of growing up.

idk what to learn from this episode actually.
to not love? to not even think about commitment? to not be honest about everything? to be tactful?
but one reoccuring lesson that resurfaced is to learn to let go of the things you love.

i'm out.

6 months

wasted time, energy, effort and money.

all that didn't matter seems to matter now.

i'm pretty glad to have finally woken up.

and i dont think i've ever moved on and out from anyone like this.

just a few days and weeks ago, i was still missing you.

but today, its like.. boomz. sudden realization.

so what if u're capable but dont have a heart?

u've got kindness on ur lips but not in ur actions. 

i dont think i'm even disappointed coz u're just way beyond.

i dont deserve you.
not someone who can just walk out and abandon my heart just bc his short term goal's aren't met.

doesn't make sense if u say u like a person, wanna move further but dun wanna spend time as friends to get to know each other first.

u're full of mind games especially when u say u dont. 

double standards.

honest open conversations?

u've never appreciated them. 

i've been so blinded by the good things when they aren't real.

how did i even trust you.

i guess i should be glad that u decided to walk away b4 i could fall deeper.

and i'm glad the defense was worth it

now knowing that u're a person like this.

well, i still wish u well.
that u'd find someone genuine to jump the gun with u, take risks, ride on adventures and with hope and confidence in a future that everything works out well.
i'm just sorry that i cannot have such confidence in a stranger like you.

self-respect

self-respect.

confidence level

decided i should blog again coz today is quite a random significant emotional day.

as noted from the past few months, i was just in a state of abandonment, feeling unwanted, not purposeful, 0 drive. i just laid back and let the waves catch me if i fall, or if not, it doesn't matter anyways.

but today, was talking to this friend. its been really long since i've talked to anyone abt my issues. not bc i dont want to, but just (think that i) dont need / dont have to. somehow, it does feel... 'refreshing' to feel and understand what it means to be lonely again. i used to (and still think) that i can thrive being alone and not feel lonely.  so while talking to her, it seems to be a usual feat that i'd cry as i talk about my issues. since kh left, i've been a cryer. haha. everything seems to trigger. i dont think its unresolved issues, but that brokenness can't seem to be leave. no, i dont want him back at all, in fact, i'm just glad that all along i'm right about him not being.. 'the one' even though when i was with him. its different, and i'm glad he taught / cornered me to love in other ways; though in the process, he screwed my mental state. though there are things that i've been misguided with, but this also throws me onto a platform where i should reassess myself.
i have been trying to do that, but its like a headless chicken trying to find a worm in the haystack.

so then it comes to k.
i talk to her abt him too. hahahhas. all these 'k' boys. tsk. inside, i realize i still do have feelings for him and i'm still quite clear of why i like him. but with the little amount of time spent tgr, i can't be sure / or rather, allow these feelings to develop. u can say that i'm guarded, u can see it as being protective of my heart, but i still think its necessary bc look at what loving with ambiguity leads you to. in my defense, love is patience, love is kind. some ppl may not understand that, some ppl may be looking from a different window, but if at the end of the day, he decides to leave, then its only best that i respect that and stop the pursuit. despite the misunderstandings / reasons and almost accusations that i have with him, there are other bigger problems; yea mostly of which is mine that i may not be aware of, but i guess u do have your level of expectations that i cant meet too.
so what does love have to play in this?

anyway, todays' post is not about being emo.
but she said something that reminded me of who i am.
"wahh. i didn't expect you're like this. i always thought u're confident and u always know what u want kind".
was i? looking back, yea. when things seem fine, i dont think ppl would self praise / acknowledge / appreciate themselves for their merits. in life, its only when it's missing that we'd realize what we've lost or, used to have. my identity.

and so, somehow in that moment while riding back, i did feel abit uplifted. yes, what k told me was right. he was right that i should be trying to fight for myself instead of fighting for him. he didn't want that i was trying to figure out my issues for him, while i didn't know how to get out of that stigma since it was something being programmed in me through my failed r/s. but i guess, k couldn't love me enough to be patient and disregarded the fact that we, or rather, i needed to spend more time with him as friends first to adjust myself. if i'm not worth wait, then ok, move on. i shouldn't be wasting ppl's time also. if all that i've done, wherther for him or for myself irritates and triggers him, then i guess i should focus on being loyal to myself and stop dragging him down in this strained pursuit.
fair enough.

as fundamental as it is, love is both ways,
if its one way, its not worth it. stop making things difficult for others and for urself.
he did tell me that even if i do get rid of my issues and find myself again, i can always text him back. however in saying that, its pretty clear that he can't love me for who i am. but looking at it again, i shouldn't exactly 'blame' him coz at that point in time, i dont know who i am any more. i dont  and can't love a foreign version of myself.

anyway, even if i do eventually get myself back up from the issues, i guess i should start thinking that i still do deserve someone who would be patient and love me for who i am.
in short, quite a pity i should say. but i still hope that u'd still be fighting for world peace despite the turmoils that i've briefly introduced to alongside with ur work and writings.


i feel like i can be happy again.
haha wow, such conviction.
i just need to focus on erm.. graduating, and then travelling, n spending more time with mountains and ppl of other cultures. no i'm not running away this time. but i think i need to start enjoying life abit more again. at this point in time, i feel like life waits for no man to be emo. i've not taken any leave just bc i wanted to (i.e, take leave just to stay at home or go out chill) before. i mean i got take just bc of travelling and all la. but what i'm trying to say is that i wanna get out of this state of being liable to anything or anyone. i dont mean to be irresponsible, but i'm alrdy reaching 30 and i think before i hit that, its a good imaginary line for me to boost my realignment in life after being assured that i'm not a positive person to be with. to rephrase that, i'm not saying that i'm gg to change for anyone but simply put with, i need to start doing things that make me happy. why bother making someone else  happy when its only pain that it brings all over. making someone happy could just be a bonus and not something we should strive to achieve. it should come naturally in the process. it makes everything...'smoother'? i think that is pretty basic.

we overthink.
forgetting to be selfish is one of the positive things that is being clouded by negative connotations.


"cast you cares upon the Lord because He cares for you".
in my teenage years, its just like... "dear Lord, pls help me do well in my exams, pls take away all my fears and anxiety." now as we grow up and get clouded by wanting to be in control of our thoughts and actions, our mind evolves, and we start to analyze and classify them as self-induced problems. then we try to correct it, we try to find our faults. then it gets tangled in unnecessary validations be it internally or externally by ppl around.

but really, cast your cares upon the Lord,
i'm not saying that we heck it, and not look at whatever legit problems that may be there.
but let's just simply the equation all together. the value of x is still the value of x which makes the value of y. no matter how we permutate it or convolute it, in its basic raw form, it is still what it is.
so, its all about trust and faith.

satan was one of the angels that fell and he knows his ways to intercept God's love for us.
faith move mountains.
haha, ok i'm starting to sound Godly and all, but i still do believe that it is only His peace and grace that can carry us through. He's there for us so why do we have to keep not realizing that we're actually turning our backs on him to face all these self-induced struggles.

being strong is probably having the ability to not even having to say that i am strong in adversity. being strong is just adjusting ur sails to ride on the winds, trusting His directions.



ok, with all of that, to simply put it, i hope to love myself more, and show more grace to those around me.  i hope to learn how to trust and hear His voice again instead of trusting in my feelings or analysis and evaluations.
thank you for today,

#hashtag #misery #bitchmodeON

i'm gonna list all the shit that has happen, just for today only....
well (on a brighter note), so that i can count my blessings when the good days do come.
(oh wow, sorry for the long post ahead)

seriously. ahahas. but wows, i'm blogging again.
today i really had a trying day. everything seems to be testing my patience.
let's start in chronological order. but disclaimer first, i'm like in my annoyed bitch mode now. so, i have no bigpictureshit in mind, and i'm just probably finding fault at every nitty gritty shit, for just today. ok. lets even do a count on it. btw, profanities for the day probably hit like the monthly quota alrdy. my vocab is probably in an inverse relationship with angsty-ness and profanities. so yea, sorry for the uncouth behaviour in which i shall not regret. oh, and note the #hashtag. #justtryingtobeabitch #waystobesarcasitc #cozigirl

1. i woke up, almost late for work. actually mother poon woke me up at 0510hr (coz she sometimes can't sleep until that time. probably its a wife thing, coz she also make sure my dad is not late for his morng shift). but ok, that's not the bad thing i'm trying to say. i woke up late coz i actually had a freaking good surreal dream. i dream about kh. it wasn't likka M18 shit, but like.. i dreamt about a  very sweet us. like how we gazed at each other eyes. how u held my had while sitting in a... van(?) and didnt wanna let go, while i laid my head on ur shoulder with big wide smile.
bits and pieces of good... times. idk if they are memories coz they all seem blurry to me now, but i just felt really at peace in the dream. so much so that i didn't even hear my phone and digital clock alarm. so waking up with a good dream with u in it like that left me in a limbo. though i knew i was running a little late, i sat on the bed for about 1 min, trying to sync in reality. but i couldn't get out of that limbo state... i brushed my teeth, put on my overalls, started my bike, all with visions of a smiling u in my head. WTS right. i really couldn't snap out of it. i couldn't rmbr the ride to work, but once i reached the cp, i put down my side stand, and told myself, fck off girl. u're no longer exist in his world. now its time to freaking go to work, and be safe so tt i can get home safe for mother poon. so yea.
i got onto the lift, looked at myself in the mirror of the lift, and i rmbred telling myself, he doesn't want u anymore, i've got much better things to do.

2. at work. ok. was assigned to this engr. so abt to prep and all, then assignment changed. ok. nvm, can. #opsdemand. then want go out, no spare. got spare then no veh for apu job. so we went out late. ok nvm.

3. the job involved trying to remove a seized bolt. its a handover job and apparently, escalated quite high that one of the snr mgmt had to come down personally to try. ok nvm.  #respect #effort. #atleastoutofoffice. he go up, got harness, no landyard, no gloves. and still say me? #can #safetybeginswithme #safetyatalllevels #issit

4. this technician, also collecting is workschd for his B1 type license, is still a technician, macham like engr alrdy sia. i think its just me, being annoyed and jealous, but let's just document it down here so i can look back and lol at this reaction in years to come. knn. i 好心 lend u my tools. pls dont make it sound as if i'm personally there for u to pass u my tools. maybe this one i bitch. maybe coz u treat me like a bro (which is good), but i am not here just to pass u tools btw. for the record, he forgot to take his harness from the vehicle. he actually asked one of the trainee tech (who is also a girl), to walk all the way to the fwd side of the bay, where the veh was, just to personally deliver his harness for him. bro. thought u wanna be man about work. wanna be hero all. harness cannot ownself take issit. #beyourownhero #everysuccessfulmanhasawomanbehind

5. i'm a girl. so its a misery to begin with. coz the job is only accessible by 2 ladders. so each time i wanna go up, the tech will say, wait ah, wait ah. wait until clock out loh.
so as a girl, sometimes its not that u cant work  / inadequate / no skill. u're simply not given the chance to work, to experiment, to explore. so when the time/rare opporunty comes (eg. when not enough manpower, and bo bian need to use u) and u need to perform, u're actually doing it for the first time. so when u duno how it really works (coz nv do b4), u kena the ohcozshegirl. bitch. i give u do first time u see u can 100%.  but yea, on this point, this is my daily struggle, so not really an issue. used to it liao. #cozigirl #notexpectedtoperformanyway #goodalsocoztyco #nevercozskill

6. i lend u my tools. ok. u want to use hammer to knock, ok. but fyi, there's a reason why I PASS U THE DRIFT. y must u use my 12" 3/8 drive extension to (attempt to) knock the bolt out. if like u need that extsn for access, FINE. but eh. no leh. y cannot use the drift for its purpose of its existence? if i rich ok la, spoil at most buy new one ah. but sorry hor, now i struggling to pay sch fees. u buy me new one if rounded ok? thanx
for this, i wanna justify one thing. i really try to be understanding. but being kind, understanding, patience, doesn't do good for ur wallet. got one time i openly lend my tools. knn. use my 9/16 gear wrench to BREAK TORQUE. bro. i got spanner. i even got 9/16 spline. y must use my gear wrench? so in the end, the internal gear probably broke or smth, can still work but isnt smooth.
on another instance, i lend someone my tool, totally lost and gone. snap-on bro.
another one, i lend my 3/8 drive ratchet handle, u use the ratcheting side as hammer. bro. u use the handle part, i still can tahan. u use the ratcheting side for f?! u're not gg to get the leverage u need to with that 3/8 drive movable part there. so, in the end, not surprisingly and almost expectedly (looking at the way the tool is being treated), the gear inside broke. couldn't turn the ratcheting ANYMORE. was abit annoyed that time. but since i had time, i managed to find a way to secretly fixed it until its good as new. #goodjobgirl #butustillgirl
and lastly, on another instance, i bought this extension pole just reach this t/r button. i really 好心 put in the dept to let everyone use so ppl dun have to push step just to reach that button. ppl take and use, never put back, nvm. so got one time, i can't find it (coz ppl nv put back at its original place).. so i went around to search high and low for it. in the end... i found it.. at the back of the van. broken. the plastic handle part was obviously used to hit hard metal part, while the end of the stick was broken off and now shorter. KNN. excuse me. no.1, u borrow u never ask, its ok. but at least put back. no2. u freaking broke it, (and didn't have the brains to realize the a hollow aluminium rod has 0 impact strength on anything that is needs whacking.), maybe at least INFORM. i wont kiamsup-ly ask u to pay it coz its a $7.90 tool which i have alrdy have the mindset that it's gonna be gone. but not like this pls. so until today, its still broken, and shorter. i just deburr it and tape it around so can still use for its purpose. but just annoyed coz i'm alrdy so short, and u just wanna make it more challenging for me.

7. my shift was diff from the guys so i had to leave the ac, so i wanna keep my tools. but they needed some of my tools, ok can. so he wanted to borrow this small cutter of mine. reason being.. coz 'shiok to use'. eh.
ok. to put things into perspective, he needed a cutter for the cotter pin. like those huge one. (the same guy who used my extsn bar as a drift) Y MUST U USE MY SMALL CUTTER. i specially, specifically, scientifically, technically, bought that relatively expensive cutter just to reach hardtoreach access areas that need to cut those thin eni lockwire. coz sometimes u really just need one small good accutae madeinJapan precision cutter so it makes ur life easier. but no. u had to use that small cutter for ur big cotter pin.. bc 'shiok to use'.
the tool box that we took had a cutter. and, i even (in my most patient unagitated voice) said like, eh, i lend u my cutter also coz this one i buy to use for those eni lockwire at under cockpit /pedastal area. he still emphasize 'nvm ah. shiok to use'. that is x2. fck it. i was just too annoyed with the same guy. whatever. bare minimum, just make sure no tool is left in the ac.

8a. so while the other guys were busy, i had to close the t/r, with another trainee LAE. holy cow. he duno how to close fan cowl eh. EH BRO. u alrdy in OJT phase. and, its been at least 2 mths u here liao eh. i T2 eh, i do many other ac types eh. u everyday only this one ac type ehhhhh. #candontanot
this one just irritates me max. i'm just annoyed everyday abt engineers, esp trainee engrs who dont give a shit about their job. ok, if u dont wanna take the initiative to ask / to learn / to work / to try / to act / to look bz , at least how know to open fan cowl can? no need tools one eh. u just need to press button. ok for this type, maybe abit 'tricky' to u coz need to unlatch the lock using the handle. but bro. this one really for ur own good. at least know how to open the fan cowl? if u from like cmu or what, ok ah. but pls ah, next time dont say u ojt from our dept. later ppl think we nv work on engine.
then ah. ok la, coz i was bz closing all the other latches on my own, so i had to ask him to push away the step so can close the cowl. then like.. he was like struggling to push the step(?). as he was trying, got this like screechy sound. #SLAPSHEAD #INBOLD eh bro. MAYBE THE STEP LOCK. just maybe ah. maybe u wanna try unlocking it? maybe it will work? #justmaybe. i alrdy down there closing everything by myself (good coz finally can work w/o ppl trying to not let me work), so ah, u only got 1 job which is to push the step away. i dun think u need experience to realize if something is stuck, i.e does not move with effort, maybe u wanna LOOK AROUND, or at least think about y got screechy sound. eh. lucky is step lock eh. i cannot imagine if like stuck coz of the engine in the way or smth, then keep pushing. hahas. #Godhelpme
so anyway, he pushed the step away, engine fully closed, then go back veh sit. issit the step no need to put back? then all the tools will walk back ah. since we're at this, i also wanna add on. hahas.

8b. u also duno how to appy anti-seize. ok. maybe if u a technician with many yrs of experience and still duno how to apply correctly, i can still understand eh. but hor, u local degree graduate eh. XXX mech engrg, specializing in aerospace. (feeling ashamed to typed that out-not my sch btw.), do u even understand do material science, or at least, read the shit out of it. coz i saw how he applied the anti-seize compound........... ok, ideally, u need to mix it up, so that the oil (in layman's term) and those super tiny ball bearing-ish compound shit can be mixed to be a... anti-seize compound- made for its purpose as with the name obviously puts it. so he just apply a few drops of the floating oil on the thread. eh bro. ppl alrdy scoop some out, put on the cover so can reach for it w/o getting ur hands dirty. good that u wearing disposible gloves though, but even more so, #WHYbroWHY.
so i tried to erm.. teach educate share my knowledge/experience abit.. i say like.. eh bro.. need to have abit of the thick thick stuff on it coz it inside got tiny bearings to anti-seize it ah.. then he was like 'oh yea, i know'. #ohbrother. #uknoweh. (but then hor, i see like ur 4, 5 bolts all just a few drops of the oil eh). is that maximum effort? or issit u trying to cut cost. #bitchmodeon #buthowtobitchmodeoff


8c. everyday, these 2 trainee engrs who is about same as my shift just annoys me. i know i'm in no position to judge or care. but they come in, sit there play phone. dun bother about what tools to prep, its ok, nvm. but ur engrs all prepping the docs, the spares.. issit u know everything alrdy? even when in ac, sometimes the job done alrdy, just go back veh sit down. issit all the tools and u/s items will ownself walk back to the veh. sometimes even ah, the techs all working on other jobs, then the engr go do his inspn on his own.. like need to open apu door and all... they can just go sit in the veh eh. eh wows. u really buaypaiseh ah? ppl drive u to the bay eh. look bz abit la. pick up the rags or smth. so hor, i guess i shouldn't be surprised if u duno how to open the fan cowl. ok ah. at least u know that come to bay need to wear vest.


9. ok so work ended. supposed to go meet this carousell buyer. he agreed to meet at this place at 5.30pm. i reached there, texted him.. no reply. ok nvm. 10mins later, i sms him via his number. another 15mins later, then he replied that he got something on then cant come.
EHH. u got something on 5.30pm cannot text ah. ppl working on ac can afford to be responsible to check /reply at certain timings / deadlines... issit u doing like some diving/underwater job that u can't use ur phone.. or driving or whatever. ok maybe la. idk, so i can't judge and i'm gonna give u the benifit of the doubt coz its also not my problem to find anything to validate ur tardiness/ absence. so in the end, i waited for 30mins, then go home. he suggested to meet tmr. #okigiveuonemorechance. but ok, i have to note, he was kind enough to apologize, and say like 'i dont mind paying more' for the item'. ok la, i admit i cheepo trying to earn money, so i wont feel insulated that u ask me that, but i think i also got that integrity and pride to keep it at that agreed price. #okgivemyselfsomerespectabit


10. ok, so i wanted to go home liao. i went to my bike which was in the bike lot... knn. kena trapped by 1 bike by the side and 1 car by the front. diagonally behind is a abit of a grass patch. come out is can come out. but sia la. duno how many times i fwd back fwd back fwd back.
but hor, to neutralize it, earlier on when i reach the cp area, i was like.. oh wow. at least got 1 more bike lot for me eh. (coz usually that area bike lot always full). haha. so i guess such goodness on a bad day isn't gonna be good after all seyyy.


11. finally rode home. otw home, i was just mentally thinking.. i really hope i do make it home safely. murphy's law today really game strong. so yes, nothing much happened otw home, other than a few cars cutting into my lane w/o signalling in which i had to apply break. at least no need jam break. almost home. then like while i was just 1.5 m away for my usual lot, this teenage who was smoking, spat right into my lot. if i'm having a good day ah, ok la, whatever, go another lot loh. but hor.... with all these rage at work, buyer not turning up so my trip down is wasted, and i just need 1 more sec to park my bike so i can end my day peacefully, U HAD TO SPIT IN MY LOT. got drain at the side. got grass patch 2m infront.... Y MY LOT SIA. i infront of u, and alrdy going in to my lot.. y that lot.
#Fannoyed.


so yes. i'm homed now. spent so much time blogging redundant stuff that does not add value to my life nor anything positively interesting to whoever happen to even bother reading this. if u really manage to read through the whole chunk of vomitted shit, i wanna thank u. i hope the #bitchmodeON comes off as something u can LOL at coz i think i would when i'm in a more... peaceful state.
but yea. i think its to a point that its so funny to be this annoyed. idk if u can call it #passionate or what. but sorry. i've alrdy passed the point where i agree that being hardworking or capable in life doesn't take u far/anywhere, but all these ah. just pls dun disturb my tools and i.


idk if its something to be thankful for actually.
i'm sooooo annoyed by so many little things, that i didn't even have any emoness left to emorant on twitter or send out negative emo vibes on ig.
and i know that tmr will be a good day coz to be something worse than the string of events today is gonna be a feat for the world to cooperate on that. but hor, i shouldn't say so soon. maybe tmr morng my bike can't start, or like key break agian, or like fuel leak? who knows right.
just wanna pray that God can keep me safe and functional so that mother poon dont have to do hospital visitation of a patient at her age, and she can continue to be happily playing her ipad, tapping the credit card at worry, while cooking good food for me when i come home for dinner.
that's all i ask for in life now really.



and last disclaimer, if any bitch wanna screenshot and intentionally wanna stirr shit at my workplace, by all means really. coz these feelings are not 见不得光 and all these actions have indeed taken place. its just my internal interpretation and i think i'm polite enough to not fck anyone up in the face coz its just unnecessary and well.. i only T2. actually if should u want to create awareness by informing the respective parties, gd eh. at least they're aware of their actions and can start thinking about how to make the workplace more positive, effective and efficient.



ok. phew. glad to be blogging out.
guess since i dont have anyone else to text and rant my personal shit, blogging does help.
thanks for reading, to whoever who unfortunately stumble across.

insignificant significant days

Just went to the gym and swim after morng shift. Its been awhile since i have this routine after a morng shift.

Idk if im expecting to be like a switch that i can just forget all that has happened, but the heavy days are significant. Just last night, i dreamt of ur gf. I dreamt that we were gd friends, duno doing what tgr. Wts right. Hahahas. Idk if im that of a nice girl or what, though i am happy for u, of course i got jealous abit la. So idk how did that dream come about. But i woke up, feeling like a derailed train. And today at work, i saw u again. Its one of those rare times that our eyes meet that u couldnt siam. I smiled at u as if like u're just like another colleague from another dept that ive not worked with, while ur nonchalant smile was recognizable. Idky those butterflies still flutter at the sight of u. Not sure if they were reserved for u or what, but i just hope they'd stop fluttering like mad in my stomach when i see u.

While swimming today, i find myself more focused, more hardworking than the usual chilloutworkout. When im mentally in that state while exercising, i know i've got alot to sort out internally. I teared abit in the water today, but it didnt matter. Just that it was abit annoying that i had to manually drain the tears out of my goggles. Haha. Might as well dun wear right. Let my tears be carried away by the water, just like the ppl of Atlantis. Hahas.

But i've really been thinking.
All the guys who have left me have many exes b4. So what's another one like me to add on to the count right. Its so easy for them to just pick up and let go. Im not sure if i wanna be like them, but hmmm, i still think of d, though it has been like 12 yrs?! Kh almost overwrite it totally, but almost.

Idk if this one is another cause of being misunderstood, but certainly, there are things i dont understand. I feel that im out of ur league as my self-esteem creates more layers of blurr.
I think i love u, that said without much conviction. Its not so much as im not sure or what, but just dont dare. I just wanted to get to know u as a friend better, so i can trust u and move on tgr without the insecurities of losing u. I probably didnt know how to script my intentions properly, but u were clear to explain that i had to sort out my insecurities on my own, for myself, b4 i turn to u. And in the meantime, keeping u as a friend isnt fair to u. Then what is fair to me? Sorry la. /Yeah, I got issues, And one of them is how bad I need you. (Haha, ya that song).

Honestly, thinking about it, its just like u trying to tell me to drive a car straight on the road w/o a steering wheel. Here i am, wanting to spend more time with u as a friend so that i can trust u more, but on the other hand, u want me to trust u more w/o interaction with u as a friend, unless its a more than friend thing. Then u tell me to text u only when i need u, whether i want or not. Is this what u think of me? Loyalty is one of my traits and im pretty sure about that. How do u think i feel? But yea, u probably dont know me more than u think u do. Well, its also coz idk myself either. Haha. And so with that, i discovered that my care and concern to ur well being transcends to me being a conversation killer. Haha. If i tell that to my friends (esp my close bros at work). i think they'll lol. Me being a conversation killer... i think more often than not, they'll want me to shut up. So that's me, being myself. With u, im not myself coz i just cant be. Too scared to lose u? And in trying not to lose u, i have successfully done it.
But then again, shouldnt give myself too much credit coz maybe u didnt really love me to begin with..u probably just love the feeling and initial process. What's new right.

How ah.
Probably girl mode triggered now, but it just goes to show that u dont love me for who i am, to be patient and work things out slowly, together. At least in my sch, i can withdraw from the final exam and try again on the next sem. With u, withdrawing to prepare stronger again is an immediate failure, no chance given. Haha.

So yea. At the gym today, its like aft office hours, there were many guys as compared to the morng hours. I was actually a little irritated. Like just to be in the presence of these guys. Like ugh. I mean at work is diff ah. Maybe coz i know them liao. But just feeling abit uncomfortable to be with guy strangers. Some girls came in later... but they were here for some gym prog tgr with more guys.
Hahah maybe really im not straight sia. But fck this shit. Im tired of meeting new ppl and getting my life into this shit hole again. Its like, early this yr, i was really picking up myself well. Like came March, it become so so much better. Probably too much goodness for my life that it had to be taken away at this instant.
So just like today, im like... y am i in this place all over again. I dun want to revisit those dark dungeons and get caught there. It took alot of me to unchain myself, so y must u pick me up and throw me back into the rut? My mistake was probably reaching out my hand for u to hold, coz I really thought that u could lead me out. But somehow to u, want u to hold my hand out was unfair to u. Haha. Maybe u like me in the darkness more than me in the light..or rather, in the light, u didnt like what u see so u had to throw me away.

Tbh, i've nv felt so abandoned b4. Even when kh left me, i didnt felt so unwanted. Mayb coz with kh, i've come to realize that i brought it upon myself since from the start, i knew at the back of my heart and mind that she was the one for u. But with this one, maybe coz u're just so smart and rational, throwing me away like that is the most logical thing to do, so right that i cant find any more reason that u'd actually want to keep me. Bz or not bz, i dont think that's even part of the consideration.

So what do i do now?
Well, i've always been trying to move on. It has been like this since 2007. So it shouldnt be that difficult to be back in this tryingtomoveonemostate. Thats probably my default setting while keeping myself busy. Its just the part of feeling super worthless and unwanted that i need to see pass it coz there was a point in time did i really did think that u were the one that i could walk with for the road. But ur premature departure was probably the best option for u in the end and i guess i should learn to be thankful that u're doing it now rather than if my heart went deeper.

I still miss u.
Probably like crazy.
But i cant validate that.