2020, the next phase

for the past few days leading up to writing today's annual post about doing a closure for the year, i've really been thinking about this year.

as evident as it shows in this space, 2018 was really really,.. (haha, i can't even find a word to describe the depths of it)... low. i 'needed' a 2019, something imaginary yet tangible to some extent, to just bring me out of the depths. i was looking forward to 2019 actually, knowing that if u're alrdy so so low, u can really only go up from there. hmm, let's try to do this chronologically / in phases, and then a summary.


so, i entered 2019 with an unexpectant heart,  yet embracing whatever hits may come. i tried to focus on my studies alot more but that emptiness of 2019 was still pretty distract. at least it wasn't as haunting anymore. in Jan, during the HK trip with mother poon, i bought like some facial care products from airport duty free. other than coz i was roaming around while mother poon and sis were shopping at DFS, i rmbr how much k1 wanted me to just fcking get some facial care for my face. i resisted much then coz i didnt think it was financially necessary and also probably coz with k1, i was just being defensive by then.  but yea, anyway, i got a set of VICHY products. i used it diligently ok. till the end of the year, i'm still using it though not as dilligently coz i just wanna not waste my money. but yea, on the whole, i've probably learnt to practice abit more self-care. after work, i'm washing my hands with more effort, sometimes even using facial wet wipes for my face, and changing my overalls more frequently now. so yea, good job sportspoon.


and then, i tried okc. i actually met up with someone coz the texts really did feel so genuine. k2.
then suddenly, March 2019 felt like the best month in my life for years. it did really feel like i found someone who could love me the way i am while i could love him by being myself. i liked how someone could understand my thoughts while i could appreciate the way he thinks.
well, to cut the story short, the journey was just as unexpectedly short. either he couldn't allow me to know him better, or he didn't like the mess he found in me, he just left just like this.

through those months, it was really a good lesson for me.
feelings are really a fleeting moment.
i dont want to compare, but with k1 and k2, it was just a total refraction (not reflection).
someone can love you and not like the way u are while being honest vs;
someone who can say that he likes you the way you are, apparently appreciates honesty, but chose to leave in the end for whatever the reasons.
whatever it is, from all these brokenness, i've really learnt. k2 did taught me to love myself first b4 anyone could love me / b4 i could love anyone; while k1 just validates the brutality of my existence in the company.

its just doesnt... tally. u say wanna break clean. nothing left and all. then u still ignore me like mad for f. i mean like, i dont expect u to say hello or what but, at work, when he realizes my presence, he just denies my existence. to some extent that i even question myself if i was really there.
through all these lessons, i'm really pushed to move on.
i'm settling with the occasional imu nights. missing all those who walked in and walked out of my lives. but this time, they no longer torment me like how they did in 2018; they're just probably settling in as reminders to not fall into pits like this ever again.
sorry to the friend/guys who are trying to msg gdmrng texts and all. sorry if i'm being defensive and rude by not replying, but i'd need to draw that straight line early and clear. even if it means to lose a friend, it's really also up to u if i'm worth to keep as a friend.

but really, at some point in 2019, probably later in the year in oct/nov, i felt that kind of freedom.
like ever since d left in 2007, i'v really been struggling with myself up till this point. perhaps its also coz of my struggles that ppl who came could not stay, but not saying that i've 'found myself',
i just felt free.
like i could do whatever i like and not feel guilty,
i could wear all my cargo pants and ugly teeshirts,
i could eat and not eat what i like / dun like,
i could spend money on unnecessary things and not feel like i needa payback to something.
lonely? yes, but on such days, usually for brief moments at night, they are just fleeting moments. just like how any guy could love me; the loneliness would't last and the next day, i'm busy again with work/sch/trng.
riding home from the west with class95's lovelifeforum on weekday nights also did validate quite a few perceptions i have in my love life. ahhahs. i kae-kiang go give some comments / "advices" to the topic via class95 whatsapp channel. and wah... john klass read out all my comments so far, and even commented that my opinions are  'good pov', 'well and fair', 'with neutral stands'. hahah. well, #engineering, and really, feelings are all a fleeting emotion that have no tangible claims to it.


so for this yr, i've really decided to make a difference.
really dun wanna go search for love / or like socialmediastalk ppl whom i care about  anymore. if impt individuals can stop all connections with u even after having such intense (i assume) emotions with u, then what's really real now?
i can't say i've succeeded in refraining myself from thinking about the what ifs, about the whys and unfortunately still missing all these ppl, also coz they've all cut ties and comms with me, but at least, i'm in a more comfortable place now.

ok. some days i do question my orientation.
but let's not go into there for now coz i dont think it's worth going indepth with thoughts that ties in with insecurities. haha.


ok.
so.
other than all that,
I WENT TO JAPAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
omg. i didn't think i could go Japan. gc jioed me on a thurs night and on a sunday night, i was on a $495 flight to Fukuoka. even while in Japan, i couldn't believe that i was in Japan. after the trip, i still can't believe i went to Japan.
hahahhaahas. i always wanted to go Japan for many reasons. the mountains, the food, the culture and all. but everytime, $$ is the issue. so i'm glad i went to backpack with gc on this. i can feel the $$$ going out though we're pretty budget on this trip as usual. but every penny is worth and this trip really remind me to WORK MORE for a job that PAYS WELL. so... hmm. let's see what 2020 will bring me.


schwork wise... hmm. like that loh
sem 2 results were good (as seen in the last post), but this leaves me with fight for straight As for the last 3 mods before i can grad with 2nd upper. if i score just 1 A- for any of the 3 mods, I AM GOING TO GRADUATE WITH 3.99 AND I AM GOING TO REGRET FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
its like.. its really not impossible, but its also, just too crazy. its all the programming mods left and this is just going to be really.... interesting.


sports.
let's start with rugby first. as mentioned in previous post, the whole work-sch schedule was also much kinder. i could go trngs, and not miss sch / take leave from work. towards the 2nd half of the year, i could attend trngs and play the leagues as well eh... on top of that, they all didn't affect my grades much.  the rugby 10's matches also reminded me that i need to hit the gym more regularly if i wanna make my tackles count or at least survive the next 15s matches. also, been trng with Wolves coz this season, Bucks dun have enough numbers to send a 15s team. :( but, trng has been good! its been a long time since i attend structured and really useful drills. :)

bowling...
wow. i think i'm like.. on form.
hahas. i've been averaging 170 180 without going too lows on my low.
also, i bowled my first 9pin tap game in my life. and the first game was 278! heehee.
also also, i found out that SUSS has a bowling team and we're sending in a team in the next IVP that's in 2 weeks. so i've recently joined in the trng and made the team! uncle michael and aunty geraldine are focusing back on my timing. its something not easy to coach and i'm just thankful that these coaches are taking so much effort to make these changes. there's probably no one shot gone in trng that's unwatched. i feel really blesses and (surprisingly) motivated to improve my game. i mean i've been bowling since 2002. that's like 18 yrs man. for the last... probably 12 yrs, no one really touched on my timing and all. so i'm just glad i'm working towards a change that can improve my game on a whole.


lastly, family.
everything's been well. with mother poon and i, its been ok. the usual. i just hope that she can be as healthy as forever while i try to earn more money to bring her travel and let her eat my money. coz in life, the only person left who loves me alot is mother poon. (other than my reluctant sis. haha).
as for my sis, i just hope that God's grace will continue to be on her side.
"Faith, Hope and Love. the greatest of all is Love". that's a bible verse which i cant rmbr from where (oops. ahahs). i guess sometimes when we're struggling to love, it really because we've forgotten to have faith and hope. Love is simple, and hence, it can be so easily lost. humanly, i dont think we're capable of giving that kind of love that God has for us. hence, there's really other impt ingredients such as commitment, patience, honesty, sincerity, responsibility..... and many many more, other than love, in which we've all placed less importance on.


okok. i dun wanna drag on this post. i'm on morng shift tmr.


2020.
it's probably going to be big year for me.
coz, (if all goes well), I AM GRADUATING.
i am finally going to work (properly, and not like work-study). i can take leaves. i can travel. and i am planning for...... NEPALLLLLLLLL. i really wanna go this year. not sure what's installed for my in my open pursuit. but i just can't wait to just enjoy my job for awhile more, before i decide to choose money over passion.
again, i'm really looking forward to doing so so many things and moving fast again. i really cant wait to finally be myself again ever since 2007? geez. hahas.
COME WHAT MAY BABY.
thank you 2018 again for allowing 2019 to be slightly sweeter and real again.
thank God for not abandoning me and putting me through all these test which You think i can bear. hahhahhas i mean i'm still surviving now aint it so?
i dont expect a perfect life, but i wanna live a life that You'd smile on because, i would be smiling through too. (: