its been too long.
last night i had quite a cut on my 4th finger. its abit upsetting coz i've got a few upcoming bowling tournaments and injuries always happen at the more impt parts. it hurts. like with the fuel trying to dry up the blood while the blood is like trying to flow out. couldnt stop to clean the wound, or rather, not a big issue to do so. so i carried out removing the fuel pump with my blood colouring the component.
but yea. it hurts, but is wasn't as painful. idk if becoming 'dark' and emo is now a part of me, but pain doesnt seem to bother me anymore (except going to the dentist). its like, my heart has been hurting for the longest time that any physical pain seems ok since it can replace the deep intrinsic hurt awhile. haha no, i dont think i'm in any state of depression unlike in 2018. but just feel more... resilient? or u can say... dontgiveashit.
i still miss those to 2 ks. haha. maybe i should just label them k1 and k2 here since i dont wanna type their names out here anymore. k1 has always been at the back of my mind, unfortunately. i still see him at work and evidently, he's been superly avoiding any eye contact with me. sometimes i do see him actually turning around to walk in another direction just to avoid me. i've come to reconcile with that. but i just feel like.. i mean if i mean nothing to u anymore which u've clearly mentioned and wanted to establish that, then y does it bother u? my closer cols who know about u and i actually ask me why u like that eh. if i dont mean anything, so chill. each time i see him or see any persons looking like him, the butterflies in my stomach still comes alive. but they dont flutter as aggressively as before. the just give some mild jerks and fly away. i wanna say i miss u, but i dont think now i really do? i feel myself learning to let go properly, also coz u're with someone whom i did tell u that its what u're looking for in a gf also.
its like what some thought catalogue said... we shouldnt fight trying to stop missing the person, we should just learn to accept it and move on. k1 will always be part of my memory and nothing can change that coz we're all wired up that way unless i go into some accident and damage my brain cortex or smth.
let me try and google something tangible out of that.
haha yea.
ok k2. this is a special case, also coz i failed to define our r/s properly. i mean, i couldnt also given the timeline of events and exams altogether, also with the tight cutoff time he gave. haha. its like those major TMA submissions.. like if u dont hand in by 2355, u dont get a 2nd chance. i mean u can still submit, but ur grades will be severely affected.
i miss him, but i guess its more like.. what a pity that i couldnt spend more time to get to know him better. but if that is really him, i dont think i can deal with someone so.... haha i dont even know.i used to think he was different, like he was someone very understanding to my problems. but they're all the same. perhaps coz he understands me so much that he knows that he can't handle my issues. i guess i'm ok with that. but until now, i still dont know what kind of girl u're looking for. its good that i dont know also so i wouldnt subconsciously strive to be the person whom u'd want to be with.
but that's all good isnt it? he just had to walk away just like that.
clearly to him, the friendship isn't something worth keeping as well.
i dont think i can stop loving anyone once i have started to love them more than an average human i know. just like k1, he'll always have a space in my heart just that i'm not going to do anything about it. as with k2, its just... undefinable? to u, its like a null set. i've got all these feelings and i dont know how to deal with them. perhaps like they all say, time heal all wounds.
cliche shit. but from k1, it's evident that i'm learning. i'm dealing with it better emotionally, i guess also coz now that i've more time to play rugby and all to limit my time to being emo.
but one thing for sure is, i dont think i wanna get involved emotionally so deep unless i'm given clearance to? with k1 and k2, without their... erm..... permission / consent, i fell in love so deep. then its all with assumptions that progression becomes inevitable or in their context, 'supposed to be'. perhaps its just them reciprocating to my feelings and positive actions/emotions, but i dont think i'd wanna do that anymore.
on the lovelife forum on class 95fm recently, it just irks me that ppl are seeking advice just because they found someone better / some 'soulmate' while they're in a r/s. i mean like... erm whut. someone even asked like "should i break up with him coz he's too stable". she elaborated that she wanted some guy to throw her off her feet and all those shit... and the guy wanted to bring her to maldives so she's also asking if she should go for the trip... wtf gurl. yea maybe u should break up with him coz u dont deserve him. ok loh, i guess u break up, and get together with someone else, and after the honeymoon period, u continue ur feat..since u're just idealizing every part of a r/s. of course, ppl flamed her... esp on fb msges which the dj didn't bother reading out. hahahs.
one of the comments was like "love is a choice".
i couldn't agree more man.
k1 and k2 has chosen to stop loving me. i do want to do that too, but its really difficult. i can't even justify that further. tt's y i've learnt or rather, still learning to reconcile with all these emotions. keep them, but put them aside and not them evoke into actions. if anyone wants to enter my heart, he should learn to reconcile with that too. that's probably my #1 mandatory requirement too. if u can't deal with it, move on. i dont want to open up anymore memory space for ppl who's gg walk out on me eventually. its too taxing.
but yea. i'm blogging today coz i'm supposed to be doing an assignment, but i'm just missing those ks. hahas. its ok that they dont love me anymore, or want to have nothing to do with me anymore. more imptly is that i shouldnt stop loving myself. i'm working on learning how to practice self-love and more imptly, self-respect. i've probably lost myself so much that ppl who really want to love me dont even know how to.
recently, one of my bestfriend also just broke up with the girl he met online. they met around the same time as k2 and i. i mean he always tell me how excited and happy is he when she text him this and that.. and recently, he told me about all those travelling plans for the year and the next. and just like that.. no more.? but one thing he shared with me much earlier in the r/s which was quite a red flag to me.. she ask him like "how are u going to add value to my life when we're tgr". hmmm. idk, and i wouldn't qns the rationale behind her intentions, but this girl is clear and pragmatic man. i think she should meet k2. maybe they can reason out their expectations and all tgr since they're so freaking clear of what they want in a r/s.
i'm really sad for him. he's always a giving person and its nice to have someone asking him about his day and all again. he tells me like he's so happy when someone can actually show her cares for him. got one time he shared about what he did for her.. like write some note on a piece of tissue or smth.. the whole thing made me teared man. haha. also coz tt time k2 just told me he didn't want me also, so everything was very sensitve to me at that point in time.
there's this song... "from strangers to lovers to strangers...."
tbh, i dont understand how someone once so freaking impt and being a huge part in ur life can just simply revert back to being some other stranger living on this earth, and worse still, in the same country / geographical area. why can't ppl look up and move on? hahah (saying that to me as well, but hey! i'm working so well on it man.) if it means nothing to u, why does it bother u? issit ego? what else?
thank God for all these brutal ppl. it makes me realize that people can choose to be brutal just bc they want to for whatever the reasons. its not that we lose hope in humanity, but its more impt that we reflect on our actions inwardly, and ensuring that we dont lose sight of what's impt to us and to the good of mankind. seriously.
there's so much more to do while we're alive on this earth so full of misery and pain. we couldn't be always questioning why ppl do this why ppl do that; rather, let's all be flexible and yet, grounded. coldplay says "nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard, oh take me back to the start."
going back to the start, being hopeful, being positive, being kind to those around and especially to urself but this time, more resilient.
it takes time, and even 10 yrs is still part of a time frame though it kinda pretty long. its a painful process and i can tesitfy that so much. i just hope that if anyone reads this post, they can feel comforted again. i'm glad to start being positive me again here.
nobody said its was easy, but lets be strong to those who still love and care for us. even if it means to put up a strong front and then cry in ur pillows in the wee hours of the night when no one is looking, do it. even if u think there's no one there, just do it to let ur heart out abit. we really dont need anyone to validate or sadness or hope that anyone can come to our rescue. comfort is just a temporal masking of emotions, so u just gotta deal with it urself emotionally; just that in the process, dont do anything extreme that u're gonna regret when u're more sober again. and lastly, if u looking towards the suicidal path.... look at me now. if i had carried on my thoughts and jump off that building that very night, i cannot imagine the state that mother poon is going to be in, i wouldn't be able to see changi jewel today, and i wouldn't be blogging now, telling u how life can really go up if u're down.
having said that, if u're feeling at the lowest, dont expect to go up coz u'll never know that u're at the lowest until u go up.
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