its about 2228hrs, trying to study in the airport at my usual place.
went back to work for the last 2 morng shifts.
feeling tired from the week of exams and studying and work;
hence, taking a break from studying for now.
i think i should sum up the feelings now for this sem.
done with all the tough mods, cleared 2 heavy papers and 1 light paper, more light one to go.
RCM on tues. (Reliability Centered Maintenance) felt like i did my best given the time frame, with a mod of my playing field; but always feel like i could do better, or could be more be more efficient in my writing.
DSP on wed. (Digital Signal Processing) the core mod that i've dedicated 90% of my studying time to. it was always switching from studying DSP, to RCM then back to DSP. the paper felt easy. not because i studied so hard, but coz everyone also felt that the paper was easy. so it did felt like i overstudied coz now everything just neutralizes. its was also coz its was one of those electronics mod that i fear, so i dedicated more time to it. subtly, it was also coz it was ur field. but anway, from working towards a pass to aiming for an A, now it just feels abit in the soup (haha directly translated from chinese) coz of the easy paper. not that i was wishing for a hard paper though. hahas. maybe abit? but no. hahahahas. but its the last 'heavy' module for my course, so finishing the paper macham felt abit like i'mgonnagrad. (but no. there's still 2 more programming mod + capstone + exam results not even out hor)
HF on thurs. (Human Factors). ahhas. level 1 mod. my thing. but was over complacent in the studying since opportunity costs was heavily towards DSP. i mean i did study abit, but i only started to focus and pay more attention on like, wed evening. hahas. the night before the paper, my friend and i had like 70% feels to not go for the paper (take next sem). then coz probably the grace of God fell from the sky, a random group mate from other module msged me to tell me to watch the revision lecture that was being recorded which some of us weren't aware of coz the lecturer didnt want to tell us the details of the revision lecture (since it was re-sit students and not for us); and that the whole sem's lecturers weren't recorded coz all of our lects were held in NP. yea. so like about 1am, i was on my bed watching the revision lect and making annotations. damn assuring. hahas. my friend also watched till about midnight. so on thurs morng, we're like...LOL. let's do this. also, all of our papers were 1pm paper, but also by the grace of God, for some reason, this paper was at 4pm. so we had more time to literally last min study. so we studied on our own and at about 2pm (2hrs b4 exam), we went through past year papers together real quickly and tested each other coz it was a closed-book exam. 4pm came. i flipped opened the qns paper, and dumped whatever i had stored in my working memory in point form on the qns paper before doing the paper proper.
hahas ok, so i left the hall 20 mins b4 submission, the first and last paper that i'd ever do that, feeling like i nailed it. during the paper, at some point, i felt like i was flexing to the marker by drawing graphs (those i learnt while trying to understand more quickly via YouTube) and all. haha, quite disgusting yet proud of myself, i think i can A+ this mod. A would be a disappointing. hahas pretty arrogant for a paper that i was complacent in my studies, but that's how assuring the revision lect was.
i mean i also left the hall earlier coz for some reason, i felt like i needed to pee and had a mild headache. when i reached back the revision room, i had a pounding headache. i dont usually get headaches (probably the first since one bad one that i could rmbr back in 2017 while u were around). it felt like the AMS kind. my kind friend got me panadol, but i just wished that u were by my side. i just needed ur shoulders to lie on to feel that peace again. i guess coz its been a long time since i really tried to cramp super much things in my head in a super short period of time.
ok. didn't expect to long-winded that part.
but yea, this sem.
pretty smooth sailing. like all my sch lectures didnt' clash much with my work schedules and in fact, i had pockets of opportunities to even include some Tough trngs and even managed to play a season in the Touch League.
i'm just... probably in awe that this sem and almost becoming a large part of 2019 that things have been kind. too kind, that i'm always reminded to always be thankful and appreciative.
i mean, it is still very scary that how good and nice things / people can just disappear like what happens when Thanos snaps his fingers.
rides homes from the west still include thoughts of u. however, i am believing that i'm starting to stride over all the unhappy past. some of the nights, i still dream of u. and in fact, the week before exam week, i had consecutive dreams of u, not those nightmaring kinds, but those oh, wow, ok. like i woke up, reflected on the dream, lingered on the good feels but also trying to re-assess my state. as in like, i guess i'm sailing so smoothly that i do expect no dreams of u in any format. no dreams, no nightmares with u in it. but they do still appear. i'm also not in an state of consciously pushing them away as with the pink elephant ideology, but yes, they still run through my mind when i'm sleeping.
probably also coz it's DSP. all ur fields. in pockets of stressed out moments, i let in some thoughts of u. like it'd be interesting if we could talk and discuss about this module. for some freaking reason, i'm actually starting to like this electronic mod. pretty sure that this part is not because of u. but as mentioned, its my most weakest field, so i really spent alot of effort trying to get it. and while its overcoming hurdles understanding non-understandable concepts, probably the feels of the little victories mimmicks the positive reward reinforcement to start liking something that i could start to understand. so, its with this understanding that i did think if we could be talking about these concepts tgr. then again, i guess if i had u around, i'd probably be dependent on you and not work so hard like this. really. if i get a B+ for this, i'd really be disappointed.
its like.. for monday's paper, only started to study on thurs night.
its probably an 'easy module' but i hope i'm not expecting it to be an easy paper.
i actually do have alot in my mind.
actually apart from blogging out this exam period, i'm also blogging its coz i just wanna straighten out some of my thoughts and hypothesis about u.
i dont deny that i'm thinking of u on most of the days, but these thoughts dont torture me as how those in 2018 could.
i'm always wondering how are you? what are u doing? are you happy?
and it ends off with "it shouldn't concern me and u'd be happy without me."
on more...
then the harmful second train of thoughts, carrying self-doubt and self-esteem qns fall in. "why didnt you like me in the end?" "what did i do to make u hate me like this?" "am i that of a horrible person when i'm in love or even when i'm not?" well, at least now they're identifiable, as in like, at least i'm aware of blocking out all these degrading thoughts before letting their effects run its course.
class95 lovelife forum at night, esp since its always the time i'm riding back home, does keep me distracted and yet focused at times. haha some times i write in to comment and my comment gets read out by John Klass. hahas. the irony. me giving ppl advices to ppl with the same problems as me.
i do think of taking a ride up to mount faber and bask under the moonlight in the quiet of the night and high above from the problems. but then, i guess it wasn't practical to do so - to be alone at night in an isolated place. also, i couldnt be sure if mt faber felt peaceful beacuse of u or because it was mt faber on its own. then again, its not worth the risk.
haha, there was one night that i had to make a delivery to a house at mt faber cres. i passed by mt faber, and also henderson waves and was so close to going up to henderson waves just to spend some quiet time with myself. but what's the point if u're not there and also, if it just adds on risk to my personal safety with justifiable benefits being induced. was so closed to msging u, but i refrained from unlocking my phone to evict out a step 2.
i mean sometimes i do think like.. we should not marry because of love. marrying someone because of love leaves you with something / an opportunity for you to lose something, or gives someone that opportunity to take something so important away from you. why take the risk? HFACS says like 1st line of hazard control is to Eliminate then Substitute then implement engineering controls and lastly, admin controls (personal protective equipment). haahhhhah that pun. anyways ya. so like.. we should probably marry because we need a name tied to a legit person on documentations for like.. idk .. house? apply for govt grant for baby benefits? haha idk, what else?
perhaps thats why ppl of the past always say to marry a rich man. at least if he losses all the money, u dont lose much coz its not ur money to begin with. losing a loved one is much more severe than losing a rich man. DONT YOU AGREE? hahhas.
i mean there are also days where i straddle across thoughts of losing faith in love entirely. actually the the moment of typing this, 10% having faith in love. hahs. well, better than 90% lost in love hahahas (HF's heuristics on Framing Bias), though they're effectively the same.
ok, there's somone still msging me intermittently, and since 2018 if i rmbr correctly. idk how and why, but i still rmbr that there are some days i just wanna msg him out all my internal issues, but i dont.
i dont because i'm not ready to be myself infront of anyone coz it has been proven i could lose that person entirely;
i dont because it wouldn't be fair to him if it was just me wanting to rant out to someone;
i dont because i'm picking up confidence in facing and solving my own issues on my own and internally.
i dont because i dont wanna give in to any chances.
but having said all of that, there are a few spurr of the moments that i was happy to receive his msges. however, i can no longer be sure if i'm happy coz it was him msging me, or me receiving a text from someone.
ok la. i really duno how to frame it all this time round, i just know that life is really much kinder, and God has always been faithful.
i still miss you and i'm ok with that.
its more like, i'm not going to deny nor refuse the probability of me missing u for the rest of my life. perhaps its no longer just about u, but wtih d, k1 and k2, its all the same. hence, using a venn diagram, it brings it all back to me, handling my own emotions and state of mind.
ok. 2338hr. i'm tired. but i don deserve to go home coz i'm left with 1 more chapter to study before i can start revising for the exam proper. its one of the papers that i need to A it if i want to grad with a 4.01 gpa and not 3.99. THAT DIFFERENCE. yes, that's the level of self-induced stress i'm dealing with. hahas. but better than dealing with the 2018 struggles.
idk how to end this post, coz if u realize, i has been for a very long while since i started to use this space to emotionally vomit rather than the original agenda of sharing my eventful life activities and key pivotal thoughts in life.
hmmm. ok. i guess, i'm appreciating the little changes or rather, improvements in whatever. (haha i dont even know how to phrase/ classify/ describe). i guess now i can (almost start to) consider myself as an engineering grad, and i should learn to 1 0 my life as well. with the errors and fluctuating noise, i just need to apply the correct filters and smoothen out all the peaks and troughs in life, without eliminating and neglecting key pivotal moments, good or bad.
haha, maybe i should work out a possibility of doing a framework for discussing or solving ur mental emotions - the engineering way. there probably already is, but maybe its more of like.. writing to cater/speak to engineering ppl. then again, if they're alrdy engineering, they would probably be able to 1 0 their life out on their own.
ok. that is random and so deviated.
i guess i should stop now.
and to whoever is faithfully back to read this meaningless (for now) space, thank you.
ahahad u can drop me a dm if u have any Q&A. HAHAHA. whatever siol. okok, kthnxbye. :)
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