the jump

some days i feel free.
some days it creeps in.
but eveything's under control.

binged watch The Last Madame on Toggle. such an excellent drama series.
some times i wonder what would it be like if i was back in the 1920s, in sg as a woman.

"a strong woman who throws her strength away is worse than a weak woman who have no strength to even throw away."

some days i wished i had this yr's schedule of things back in 2017 or even 2018.
i dont want to wonder what difference would it make,
but i choose to think tt it wouldnt matter.

30.
i feel that jump.
though its really just a number without much significance, there's an imaginary gap that requires you to take a leap. its not so much of where u're jumping into.. but like.. how are u going to make that jump.


i still wonder about that one night that i woke up in shock and crying in your arms.
it just proves that there lived a monster, well hidden in the abyness
perhaps we all have that monster in us,
it's just about if we're able to live in peace with it; letting it create havoc if it wanted to, but just making sure that it doesn't consume us and those within close range of us.


my heart feels dead. - not in a bad way actually.
its more like, i'm probably learning to master mind over matter, mind over heart.
feelings and emotions are just the evoked intrinsic effects of hormones, but its the mind that should be in control and be in-check.



some days. i miss you.
but i have no idea what it means anymore.
all the real conversations with anyone aren't real,
while nothing matters.


i dont feel goal-less, but i just feel that probably, some things in life aren't really that necessary. or rather, i guess not everyone deserves certain goods and bads in life.
i have learnt to embraced the struggles. i thank them for making future rocky routes more bearable while the falls seems to be cushioned.


i not that i dont need anybody in life. but its just a good reminder that no one is in charged of my happiness except for myself.
i can finally say that i'm finally learning to love myself.
its not just about taking care of urself, or settling for excuses or find comfort in logical reasons. but as simple as it is, it just about appreciating life and thank God for every single day and everyone. even if its the shittiest of days, or the most horrible persons, its things and ppl that have crossed paths with ours.


i still wished that ppl we once knew, once interacted with, and especially those that are so close to us; wont choose to be strangers. individuals who were once a big part of our lives and have occupied a big space in our hearts will definitely leave their footprints as scars. it shouldnt make us less beautiful people, but it should allow us to find courage to take on challenges and fall while learning to stand again.


haha. this post sounds so fictitious, so modelled, so cliche; but that's all the simple truths about circulated cliches. i'm still learning kind to myself, without compromising on the expectations of myself nor threatening my life's principles. i'm learning to accept that people who you can strongly love will strongly want you out of their lives as well; accept the choices that people whom you love would want to revert back to the unfamiliar faces in the crowd again.

that's how life goes. we dont drown in the waves but ride along the tides. we fall, but we'll ride again till the time we're gone and officially out of breath.
meanwhile, people who love you will chose to stay without any conscious effort. its not that we take them for granted, but we should be mindful of our heart, still guarding it fiercely with respect and in love.


love is a choice.
it is a fleeting feeling.
let's not chain ourselves up but stand firm in kindness and with the bits of shattered heart left. the remaining pieces are evidences that we've got capacity to carry loads and go through even tougher days all over again, again and again.