thank you, chapter closed.

ok, finally with much subtle prompts, u finally decide to tell me that u believe that we wont work out together.
i guess it finally now all make sense when u say u dont want to go slow as a friends first.

thank u for finally telling me this.
i really needed to hear this from you.

supposed to be writing my report now.
its a sunday night and i'm all alone in sch.
too much emotions rn, i just need to vomit it out.

so it really all make sense now.
i just thought it would be more helpful if u told me this real reason so that i wouldnt live with such hurt in the past 4 months.

the only disappointing thing is that somehow u believe that i didn't think we'd would work out. i really wonder what made u think that way. but if its just a mechanism of u to distant urself from me, then ok, fair enough.
on the contrary, i was really hopeful about us. in fact, i dont think i've ever once doubt us? all the deep convos, the mutual understandings and expectations, the accelerated mutual feelings... not even mentioning about the common activities we do like climbing, riding, somehow photography...
how can they all not mean a thing right?
probably the disappointing thing for u is that i couldn't have enough faith with you. and i guess if nothing progress towards your goal in a way u expect it to be, u'd rather not pursue it at all.

i guess i'm really expecting a longer time frame to get to know you first. but i think its rational coz i wanted to get to know more of you before i can give all of my heart to you (thankful that i didnt).
for me, building a future with a person i know for barely 3 months is out of my league. its not like we really hang out or anything in those short periods of time; we just studied/ did our work alot and ate a couple of no more than 10 proper meals together. i mean like, we didnt even do one of our common activity tgr. and i'm not a confident person unless i really know and am comfortable with the person whom i can trust my heart with. i wished i had more time spent with u, but i guess those times are sufficient for u to assess that i'm not enough for u.

things fell apart the moment u gave up and my heart probably sensed that b4 u even knew it.



the hurt i feel now is still pretty intense.
but right now, i dont know what's love anymore. idk if i'm just being loyal, committed or love someone. all those right feelings, those feelings (i thought) out of love, in the end, they all end up being abandoned, betrayed and insignificant. is it coz i've overestimated love? i've never expected anything in return, but i dont like my sincere heart to be abandoned like that. it always hurts and i dont think i can get used to it. or issit coz there's no such thing as human-to-human love, just commitment? Is wanting a person whom u love v much to love u back just as u are too much to ask for?


but at least now, its validated. at least i know its u've given up.
i know that u didn't love me while this is just another.... part of growing up.

idk what to learn from this episode actually.
to not love? to not even think about commitment? to not be honest about everything? to be tactful?
but one reoccuring lesson that resurfaced is to learn to let go of the things you love.