work study woes

really stressed out.
the lab assignments and projects are really taking up alot of time. and on top of that, there's like online quizzes which open for 24hrs. and as i try to study, i just dont get it. but for now, its just clearing all these deadlines. 3 more projects, 3 more quizzes to go.

quite annoying actually. i've give up so much but it doesnt seem enough. u know like working and studying is really mad. i mean like, idk how my collegues can do it when they are married with kids. i've stopped gg for trngs and games, and like today's mother poon's bday and i had work and sch; didn't go for her bday dinner with my sis.

then as i'm struggling to understand all these lab programmes, its really tough when i can't get help. i mean i dont have a strong foundation nor time to like go figure out just like many of the guys in sch, so pls dont look down on me. i really hate it when i genuinely ask a question, it makes me feel like i'm useless. hello, its not like i'm not trying right. so frustrating.

then now i'm like wasting leaves on gg for lects and labs- and still dont understand. totally giving up my youth and money for something that i dont really need. i'm really frustrated. its not like i grad with this degree i can even make an attempt apply for self-starter for engineers. stupid and useless HR policies. still say ops demand. idk what the co is thinking especially when it keeps proclaiming 'ops demand', 'cut cost' and all. doesn't add up.

anyway, this degree is really taken out of self-interest (as i try to console myself). but the money spent does not justify man. totally giving up my money and youth. i mean i can be like travelling and doing more sports as i'm reaching the decline of my peak of the youth. sighs.

and on top of all these, i'm trying to suppress you.
as i'm trying to deal all these maths and unknown figures, i'm still like in this post-relationship phase. and to make things worse, i think u've decided to even end this friendship. its really killing me inside but all i can do is just keep my focus on my work and sch.
this week, i have sch almost every single day. for the last 3 rides back home from sch, i keep tearing up as i hit the expressway. its like an automated system, the outflow valve opens at Eng Neo exit and the shut-off valve kicks in by Eunos exit so residual flow dries off via overpressure relief valve before reaching Bedok exit. ok, tried to make a joke out of it so it doesnt sound so depressing. but i really miss you and that's all i can do. its not like  i purposely go and think of u or smth, but every single hour, u have still been in my thoughts. and with all these work and sch stress, there's only so much my heart and brain can withstand.
i dont have anyone to talk to, or rather, i dont wanna pour my sorrows to any living person on earth coz over time, i've learnt not to do that. idky, but though corroding inside, i still feel its best that i just forget all these unnecessary thoughts and focus on what's needed in life to function  (steadily) in Singapore.

i still keep thinking that probably u'd try for us again, or at least try to accept me again. then as i contemplate on trying to converse with u, which i eventually do, u give all these cold conflicting ans. conflicting coz when u say a yes, its a no. come on, we've been texting for the last 3 yrs, how can i not know. idk wth i'm trying to do also.
i still love u. but what can i do when u dont love me for who i am even when i try to change to someone whom u could love. but y am i doing this? it doesn't make sense.
u're generally not a nice person. though u can be very thoughtful hence overly protective, your ego refrains u from being nice and happy for urself or those around. or maybe i'm wrong about u from the start. u were never a nice person to begin with. y? 'coz the world is a cruel place and no one deserves nice'.
but of course. if everyone thinks like you, u're so going to be right. u have ur past experiences and i also have mine, so y can't u respect that. and since there's no equilibrium out of that, y dont just attempt to make the world a better place?
anyway, whatever. u're not mine anymore.

i genuinely wish that u'd find someone to give you all the love and warmth you need, so you have more room to exercise your egoness being a protective man-for-the-girl. or well, perhaps its not that u have a big ego, but its my ego and stubbornness that makes me say all these. but does it matter? u've stopped the pursuit long ago, and yes i still must say - i feel cheated. who cares.
i do believe other girls can make you happier and would be more patient and.. obedient towards you. wish you luck. not saying this in a spiteful manner coz i know i still have undying feelings for you (as of now), but i really wish i can let you go so i can end all these internal misery and let you go entirely as well. gosh i sound so spiteful despite claiming that i love u. tbh, i hope to hate u one fine day and hoping that day to come real soon.

from the start, u alrdy knew my issues and promised to worked together. so did i. so maybe i did not work hard enough and be as girl as i can be. but i just can't take it when i try to be girl, its becomes annoying to you (and to me as well). deciding to go separate ways is probably the best solutions, so at least it gives us a clearer picture if either one of us is willing to let go of our ego and fight our issues together. but i guess, since it also seems that i'm unwilling to humble myself to be meek in my ways towards yours, then i guess i'm also not worthy of ur time, effort and love.

but taking a big step out of this mess, on e whole, clearly i'm  more relieved. i'm no so emotionally stressed. the last few months with u was really tormenting. as much as there's love, every movement i make, action i take, words i say, ppl i text, ppl i take photo with, friends i have... it just get very very paranoid, worrying that if anything i did would upset u; in which, whether i do or not, it still upsets u.

ANYWAY. u know, today i saw ur sis' igs that ur mum is finally taking her first flight out!
idky, but i felt happy for ur mum. like finally. i mean the son is an aircraft tech but the mum hasn't flown on an aircraft before! she has so much to see man. its like, i know u're also gg to be happy (or maybe not, since 'theres nothing to be happy about') but as i have all these positive feelings, its still tearing me up. i hope i could be nonchalant, or ignorant. perhaps its that so called 'love for you', but i'm really finding trouble in trying to detach my feelings for you.

i will never love again.
i can vouch for that.
over a decade ago, i was struggling with the same shit. its u who promised me that we'd work on our issues together, but guess what, u've affirmed my issues. idky if i'm saying this out of anger or stress now, but what i know is that i feel at ease and care free w/o having 'another half' in my life. so much for the happiness, but if all the stresses outweighs all these goodness, then i think its time acknowledge that i'm not up for it. of course, love doesn't come without the flaws, but really, this is too much. so what if we have so much in common, its probably too much in common that we're in this state.

cant believe i'm typing all these out.
but since u've shut my social media out long ago, i guess u'd never come here also because of ur ego and standing up for what 'is right'.



ok. school work is taking a toll on me and its obvious.
but idk how to cope. nothings going to change even when exams are coming in May. its alrdy March and i'm struggling with the workload. haven't even started studying proper. and with my peers whom i also can't depend on for any technical or emotional help, its really time i learn to be strong again. theres' this quote "You'll never know how strong you are until  being strong is the only option," yep, that's right. my family is financially dependent on me, and i really dont have much of a choice but to graduate well and end this studying. u know, i really love studying. that's true, its just that its just v frustrated that i dont have time for anything and its also taking a toll on my health and fitness. without all these runs and trngs, i'm just killing myself. already dying inside, i hope not to die on the outside.

anyway, glad i've emotionally vomit this out. not a post to be proud of or worth re-reading.
but i just need to press on and get my shit together. i really dont have much options left.