linear anaylsis

i'm feeling all sorts.
at this point in life with all the various outlets of social media, if i ever blog here, means its serious.

i've always mentioned that i started out this blog is to share my life, to share my experiences and thoughts with people and hopefully to inspire people around and all. but in the recent years, this place has evolved into the deeper realms of my heart. its only through typing it out slowly that i can reorganize my thoughts to put me back in an unstable equilibrium again.

currently, there's twitter, instagram, instastory, and even Pinterest that i'm using as outflow valves to a system that is self-overfilling. twitter is mostly for instant profanities / thoughts and words i can and should never say out in whatever circumstances while ig is for like thoughts worth sharing using 1 pic. as for instastory, i think this is an interesting one. i think having a bf and sharing ig stories about ur moments in life should probably be inversely proportional. i'm currently ig-storying alot now. i mean, though i sound deeply emo in this space, no doubt i wont deny that i'm as such, but i think i've got that tinge of humor from my dad. whether ppl around me gets it or what is another thing. but i'm just glad and thankful that i can still be a jovial person for ppl around me even when circumstances is as shit as it can get. lastly for Pinterest, its just another outlet for visual comfort as well as letting the pictures speak millions of the unspoken words.

i still love you.
so much.
so much that i miss you too much.
i dont know what to do with all the feelings and emotions that i have for u right now.
do i want you back? i dont know actually. that's entirely another question.
being a girl, i do notice that u dont even read my ig stories, like my post nor bother to entertain my attempts in trying to converse with u on whatsapp or dm again. i'm trying to get ur attention which u're trying to ignoring. idk if its on purpose or u really just dont care anymore. but i  kinda wish that its intentional? then perhaps it would mean that i still mean smth to u.. maybe for that 1% left. but i have no idea. its sad that u dont even want this friendship with me while i'm still trying to search for that line. i'm sorry that i can't find that tight rope to stand on to balance ur needs and requirements of me. and trying has being futile and have definitely led to heaps of misunderstandings since after all, while trying to be someone whom u want me to be, i've lost myself.

to the mainstream public, this does sounds like a dont-change-yourself-for-a-guy kind of situation. but i guess if its out of love, its worth it? all i wanted is ur love and attention, but along the way, somehow we have loved too much, forgetting to fundamentally love ourselves. But tbh. i didnt like myself when i was with u. If i didnt lile myself, how could  expect u to love me right.  I mean, other than not being able to be myself, i felt tt it was difficult to be nice to ppl without getting on ur nerves. I did stupid pointless as impractical things which if i did or did not do, would still irritate u in some sense. Idky y i so attention seeking.  Issit coz i hope u can love me more?
i tell myself that if u wanted me back, u'd fight for it. i mean, that's also one of the main things i love about u - u strive to get what you want. so i guess if u've stopped trying, its pretty clear. - i just dont want to get that; can't seem to internalize that fact.

y cant you love me for who i am?
for my flaws and i?

i think one most hurtful thing is u affirming that initiation of break up back in Aug when we've doing so many happy stuff together till mid dec 2017 on our final moments. i felt cheated.
i thought we're still  happily tgr. so whats that last 5 months suppose to mean? tbh though i was constantly trying to change old habits to fit urs, but it felt like u didn't even bother to give some consolation for that. i know i'm blunt coz i just say what's in my head. this is something i've always been trying to change even at work, but i always believe in honesty. even if it hurts. the hard truths are always more beneficial that then comforting lies. i ought to be punished severely for that, but havent u dont so? really.
in those months, they were pretty traumatic. every little thing u did, triggered me. i was paranoid to some extent. looking back now, i can say that i couldn't even tell. u know, every little hurtful words u said magnified into bloody choppers that slashed my heart on the same cut. i was shaken. coz when when we went out, sometimes those normal superficial harmless stuff could also triggered my tear ducts to be in active mode. like a few times i had to try and wipe of those tears from my eyes w/o letting see. my heart was shaking. literally quivering. so subtly violent that i had to google for some biological explanation for that.

mother poon asked me why didnt u come over for cny dinner this yr again. last yr we argued over idk what. and this yr,.. erm... i guess coz u're not part of my life any more? mother poon even dreamt of u and told me the story. i wanted to text u.. but what for?

i actually wanna blog about work and all coz currently my department is undergoing some massive interim restructuring and its pushing to destabilize whatever culture that is comforting. alot of movements, changes, and adaptation again; but all these is just secondary.
i mean my dreams and hopes have been kills by the very ones that built it also. so yea. sighs.

currently, juggling this 4 mods with labs is really sucking the life out of me.
i've never started studying for exam so early... but even though i've started, i feel like i dont have enough time. u know i've actually set a date countdown, and it reads 70 something days left to the first paper. its not alot if 70% of it are work commitments. and with all these restructuring at work and all, i'm trying not to let it affect me. currently, i'm trying to manage the amt of sleep i get, the amt of food i take in considering the amount of work i do and the little of time i'm committing to fitness.
i hope to climb or run in between so that i can have good nights sleep that i can have 40% of the week.

but anyways, its also good coz i'm keeping my brain occupied.
today while studying, i kept thinking of u. it was like a pounding techno music that's banging in my head. i couldn't focus. i kept instastorying to vent it out. i miss resting on ur shoulders especially after a long and tough day at work. coz with ur arms around me, not that i needed any form of security, but i felt safe. i craved for that feeling again. i felt like i could take on whatever life throws at me. haha, but then this is the irony; coz i can't handle even the slightest of words that u say to me.

hence, right from the start, i did knew that this was gg to be tough. but i didn't expect it to be this tough till we're like this now.
i always wanted us to be friends first.. to take our time. to establishing that solid base of friendship, so that we can accept each other just as we are, without any expectations or having anything to lose. like u know, go out, chill, and just be ourselves. i should have stuck to that principle.
but oh wells. i mean now that's another reoccurring algorithm, i guess that principle will be etched deeply now and probably till forever.  its probably a 'wrong' move to think that u're gonna be my forever. omg, that's damn cringey. hahas. but yea, i really thought we're gg to be in each other's lives forever coz there's never once a moment that we're awkward with each other.


but now, i have no idea.
lets just hope i dont do anything reckless at the spur of the moment like texting u 'i miss you' or 'are u ignoring me' and all. i mean, its obvious, whether intentional or not, u dont want to have anything to do with me anymore. its sad that i've lost someone so dear to me whom i can share my moments with. but i guess if u dont appreciate it / find myself a nuisance, then i guess lets just hope that at least a minority of the ppl viewing my social media can share my moments with me.

despite all that, thank God for everything. so much to thank Him for.


thank You for this song so so much.

---

Prince of Peace \Hillsong UNITED

My heart a storm, clouds raging deep within
The Prince of peace came bursting through the wind
The violent sky held its breath
And in Your light I found rest

Tearing through the night
Riding on the storm
Staring down the fight
My eyes found Yours
Shining like the sun
Striding through my fear
The Prince of peace met me there

You heard my prayer

Hope like the sunlight piercing through the dark
The Prince of peace came and broke into my heart
The violent cross, the empty grave
And in Your light I found grace

Tearing through the night
Riding on the storm
Staring down the fight
My eyes found Yours
Shining like the sun
Striding through my fear
The Prince of peace met me there

You're always there
And You hear my prayer

Your love surrounds me 
when my thoughts wage war
When night screams terror, 
there Your voice will roar
Come death or shadow,
God I know Your light will meet me there

When fear comes knocking, 
there You'll be my guard
When day breeds trouble, 
there You'll hold my heart
Come storm or battle,
God I know Your peace will meet me there

Again and again
Oh, be still my heart
I know that You are God

Oh, fear no evil
For I know You are here

And my soul will know
Your love surrounds me
when my thoughts wage war
When night screams terror,
there Your voice will roar
Come death or shadow,
God I know Your light will meet me there

And my soul will know
When fear comes knocking,
there You'll be my guard
When day breeds trouble,
there You'll hold my heart
Come storm or battle,
God I know Your peace will meet me there

Oh, be still my heart
And my soul will ever know that You are God
And You heard my prayer