i died

today, finally a reply from you.

not something that i expected,
but i guess its something i had to hope for.

these few months have really been mental. i miss you so much. i do evaluate if we should try again. i dont have any clear answers, but i wished that we'd still be friends coz i treasure you alot.
very bottom line is i just want you by my side, still.

after the break, i tried to cut all comms/ ways for u to find me. i removed ur access to my schedule on our shared calendar, disabled u from following me from ig and all those stuff since u weren't seeing my ig stories anyway; all just because i wanted you to be sure if you wanted me. i was hoping if u'd be able to forget me,
and true enough, you didn't want me anymore.
seems like i've gotten what i wanted right?

good also i guess.
though broken, least i'm glad u can find someone that meets ur needs.
and thank you for the firm reply so i'm not left hanging.

---

the first was "i've lost all my feelings for you."
the second was "my feelings for you died".


idk how i'm coping with this. but really?
"you're special, i dont have this feeling with anyone else before".
i'm refraining myself from saying that they're lies coz my heart felt all the emotions. but for what it is today, it feels like i'm left stranded; like i can't really connect what's real and what's not.
what do all these guys want? do they all really want just that one thing?

and y does feelings always have to be the center of a relationship? what about trust, responsibility, faith, perseverance and all those shit textbook answers? really, since i was like 14, in my opinion, i always feel that if a relationship is just based on something so flimsy like feelings.. how do couples live together till they're ripe and old. surely everything can't be all just hearts and flowers. they come with the blood and thorns too. y can't we just deal with them?


tbh, this is difficult. i mean i if i hate u and have stopped loving you, it'll be so easy.
or, if i still love you and can forget my identity, it would have been a whole lot easier for us in the first place as well.  so what's initial parameters for the equations now?
i've never stopped loving my first ex bf, since... about 15 yrs ago? its just that i've learn to deal with that. i've spoken with u about it and just glad that we both had a really heartful heart to heart session while i learnt to manage urs as well. for that aspect, u're really understanding and just want to thank God for such special moments.
but for now, it seems that i have to forcefully add you to this.... list.

i dont know much my heart can take.
as a mildly perfectionist, when i love, i give my all. so i can't just re-coil all these heart strings again. like a rubber band, it looses its elasticity after awhile. and one fine day, it just wont stretch anymore. its something reversible that will, and can change to something irreversible.

glad that i'm not crying my heart out now as i'm  blogging this in the hall, with mother poon watching this funny hk drama. but i can feel this inner strength suppressing this over-pressured valve. the check-valve is still holding everything well inside. its funny how it is indeed a tangible physical feeling that i'm feeling, and not just some emotional stunt. like the treachea is shaking, and my stomach is trembling.  idk if this is a good or bad thing, but i just hope that later when i go behind closed doors and try to sleep for my morng shift, the check-valve doesn't fail.

i'm blogging so much out coz i just want to get rid of everything that's churning inside. i really dont want to flame all my social media or show the world how emotionally painful it is feeling right now.
and i also know tt u dont like me blogging my thoughts out, especially now it involves you. but oh wells, u're not mine anymore, and neither am i urs, so why do i have to care right? besides, i'm pretty sure u wont stumble on this space since u wont be curious if i'm dead or alive anymore.


this is so painful.
cant believe i have to go through this all over again. i thought it's be easier since i'd be more familiar with this feeling. but no uh, its like a multiplexer; everything adds up to 1 loaded line. how long can this wire last before it burns out.
perhaps i should just spend 1 full night crying my eyes out till i dont see any point in being sad. or maybe 1 day. exams are coming, so the challenge is there.


i can feel the eminent fear. like i dont think i can ever open up my heart to anyone.
/where's the good in good-bye. where's the nice in nice-try?
this is wierd. i feel like lost. i dont know what to do with all these emotions.
i just need to study it off. channel it to studying hard. come on, i can do this.

Wallpaper

In the wallpaper folder of my phone, i found this.
Who is this guy?

well, that's easy (for you)

how is it so easy for u to let all these go?
am i selfishly mean to feel like sad?
is this what you really want?

of course it is,
hasn't' it always been?



there's 2 ways to look at it.
one is, you just want the best for me so leaving me in the lurch is the best option and to successfully do it, its means to just cut off all comms.
two is, you just dont want to have anything to do with me anymore. total detest. total loathed. period.


i choose to believe in the latter coz u've chosen to go cold turkey on me by not replying any of my text qns. (if only u could do that to ur smoking habits).
i mean, i've been crying for nights. ok not every night coz i have night shift. but each night when i get to lie on my bed and try to get a good night's sleep, i struggle to just sleep. each time i close my eyes, i feel the emptiness, without u by my side. i try to hug my octi, shark or everything else i could find altogether, but nothing could really replace that feeling of security. (sg so safe, not like i need security right, girl?)
then i freaking cry. u know some songs/ books/ or like ppl say.. "cry myself to sleep". LEGIT.
just that when i cry, i can't exactly cry to sleep coz u're still very much mental-visually there; and i mean like physically arriving my bed at 12am, but eyes still wide open at 4.30am, starting to close soon, only because finally it's still to swell from all that loading.

so, if u still have that bit of heart left for me, u'd probably at least, reply. give me a no or smth. like a harsh  big fat NO in my face. but instead, i find myself trying to accept ur silence and distance as a legit form of response.

quite crazy. i didn't expect myself to be in this state all over again.
took me many many years and (more) sports to get myself out of that pit and now i'm back in again. this time even deeper coz i'm alrdy into sports and i'm like this. the good thing is, at least i have sch and work. i'm trying super hard to not let it affect my sch work though clearly, it is happening.

but tbh, i feel really selfish now? coz i wish that at least u'll wanna talk to me coz u're feel lonely/ sad/ empty without me and all those shit. but nope, u're all good and well. so, why can't i be like you?
sigh. i dont expect u to come back to me and struggle with the relationship again, but i just dont like that i can lose someone (who's still alive on this planet) totally. like everything about you and with u is gone. especially someone who's been so so impt to me, who has been a big part in my life, just like that. its like.. i'm starting to doubt ur existence... what happened in those 3 yrs? was i in a limbo?
who was i really with in those 3 yrs?
is that my imaginary friend?

perhaps, it is!
perhaps all along, u're just a figure in my subconscious thought; only realizing its reality now that in fact, u were never really there in the first place. so i shouldn't feel any sense of loss since u were never really mine to begin with.
perhaps if i stick to this notion, it could elevate the pain abit, since all these is really self-induced?
though it is threatening my sanity towards what is real and what is not, at least it keeps my false stability to an extent.



come on poon.
i can do this and be myself all over again.
hang in there, coz u've already left me hanging,
and all over again.

here and now

online lect today.
feeling tired, unmotivated and mundane.

so this is life w/o u.
itsn't it the same format 3 yrs ago?
but how and y is this so different now?

how do memories function?
their contradicting existence - there, but never there.

how are u?

idk what to do, not that i need to know what to do,
or like if there's anything i should do..
but like. study loh. go to work loh. go to sch loh.

feeling so far from existence now- here but never here
may God's bountiful love fills all the void though i'm so undeserving.
may i get used to this soon.

the back of my friend

and so today, my monthly scheduled backache comes.
i thought of the times when u kept me in ur embrace just to make me feel better though in doing that, there's no beneficial biological attributes to that. and when u give me little massages, my heart cringed each time i felt ur hands on me.
perhaps its the dopamine being produced, sometimes i really feel better though the pain is still very much there. haha and to be honest, sometimes when the pain subsides abit, i'd whine abit more just for ur attention and coz ideservealltheTLCintheworldcozi'mPMSing.

meh.

i wasn't like this.
on younger days, i never complained about my backaches coz i never wanted to let the female menstrual cycle be a problem just because of the egoistic thought that menstrual cycle should never affect me.
i still rmbr i suffered in silence in front my rugby friends... and there's once i reffed back to back games, trying to ignore the pain. and in the 1st half of the 2nd game i reffed (after playing my game, refereeing 1 game and going onto this 3rd game), i just physically fell to the ground coz my legs were just too jelly. i knew it was because of my monthly back problems for the obvious of reasons, but i chose to attribute it to un-conditioned physical fitness level. but funny uh, referee collapse. hahas


so as i break away from studying abit, i'm blogging now just to distract the pain and you.
but looking back, through u, i've learnt how to whine like a girl. though most of the time i feel like its ineffective, i do feel that there's some useless hope in that. haha. at least it makes me look vulnerable and needing some form of assistance in life. hahas

anyways.
its a daily mental affair everyday.
today wasn't so bad coz last night, i went to bed at 0310 hrs for my 0600 morng shift. and today, i have an online quiz that just opened and closing tmr 2355hrs. its 0600-1800 shift tmr, with the SIA bowling league from 1930-2130 so really, my mental capacity has only so much to withstand.
i didn't have proper meals at work today coz of work, but had like 3 cups of ice milo.
no the best of a healthy lifestyle, but least my mind's being forced to be on the move.

i still wonder how and y a person can just suddenly cut off all ties.
u know, for the record, i've never severed any ties with anyone. its always ppl doing tt to me.
even towards my most hated of enemies, i still do respond. perhaps out of kindness, out of whatever principle left or respect, i still do it if i think its necessary. anyway, that's not the point.
the point is, are all the feelings we've ever had, one-sided?
i'm really starting to think that perhaps, u were there all along just to accommodate my undiscovered needs. so all along, its was just reciprocal. u were never really in the chase, never really interested in wanting all of me. from our first meet up, letters, and all those actions that led to milestones.... they were probably initiated by me. and there alas, i started this whole problem.
we ever argued about me being selfish, coz it was always about gg to the places i wanted to go or doing the things i wanted to do...... but u never really said or planned anything. perhaps u did, and perhaps u took my feedback as outright No's, that i can't even rmbr what did u even initiated.
perhaps u never really wanted anything, including me.

i mean like, since its so easy to end our daily conversations just like that,then perhaps its either u were just responding to someone's who's interested, or, u finally decided that i was too damn irritating to be part of or life.
or maybe both.

i dont know.
everyday its just immense thoughts, feelings and scary memories of u and us, but i can't really classify nor sort anything out. i dont know if i love u or i dont, i hate u or i dont, of if i want u back at all. but one thing for sure is, i'm not ready for a person like u.
so what if i my feelings for u are deep? it doesn't really make any difference coz after all, its one-sided! its just like those quadratic equations where there's that one answer that is undefined coz the lines just never meet - yea, i'm in that floating region.

ahhas. i'm blogging gibberish now.
there's no content really, just pain from my back churning up into my fingers typing whatever's in my head now. i can't be bothered what the world thinks of me, what u'd think of me anyway.

haha speaking of which, i dont like to be.... 'social-media-ly noted', but thanks to that episode that my life story became viral, i can actually draw much encouragements from that. (wasted i didn't managed to blog about my thoughts and views then, especially with some innocent war going on with the company policies and i)
but from 1 humble interview which led to a chain of interviews, and to some of which i couldn't respond to, i managed to read some of the comments by... idk.. mainstream public? there's some negative comments coz there's always the haters. hahas. but there's alot of positive comments in which i draw strength and affirmation from.
i really dont like to be in the limelight coz i like to be the backstage worker, but reading those comments really helped me to push on to continue on the reason i started out this journey in the first place.

its like now, my love life is like shit, my pay is like shit, my grades are like shit, my prospect even looks like shit.. but at least in all of these that lead to 1 big piece of shit, i still managed to fertilize some souls on this earth. and from them, i can feel abit more confident in pursing the things we/i chose to fight for in life.

ANYWAYS. its 2244hr and i'm still in airport. i've got to be back here in another 7hrs and i still need to go back and finish up my quiz.
yes, and bathe and sleep, and probably scroll through some social media to keep my sanity.
so byes.
thanks for making me feel better, blogger.
i dont intend to be heard, but i just want to emotional vomit it all out and i did well today.

All he ever wanted

Now that i've taken a step so so far back, the whole picture gets alot clearer, and i was right from the start; sticking to my principles which would probably kept the both of us fighting (on)- in a good way. U know in our adolescence years, grown ups always tell little girls those practical advice on boys, on bgr, on marriage?

In the early months of our relationship, i really struggled to stick to my principles and priorities. We had a few break-up attempts, or rather, i had a few attempts, just because i loved u alot and wanted to build a stronger friendship foundation first. i felt that we didn't really have a 'honeymoon period'. u know ppl say that the first few months are the good months of the honeymoon period. perhaps we're all too real with each other, too truthfully raw- which isn't a bad thing, just that our bond and understanding towards each other escalated real fast.

I've always struggled to depend on others, to share my time, and to receive love. i've been brought up in an environment where good things come only with sheer hard work. so by having someone by your side loving you and ur flaws unconditionally, its just something i dont deserve, someone i struggled to call mine.

and perhaps i'm right.

perhaps after i had given my all to u, you didn't want me already. 

those sugar-coated words that i can't seem to absorb, now seemed to be lies and now i question, y did i bother so much to try to believe and accept you when at the back of my head, i keep telling myself not to fall so deep for u. men can't be trusted. it was a noted fact since over a decade ago and y did i refuse that notion?

y and how is this so complicated? true that, its all my unnecessary thinking. but these thoughts can't be left ignored when the outcome of it all is, today. if love was really the answer, then what we had wasn't really love, but lust. 

cold hard truths, but i still think that logically, love solves all problems. 

if its out of love, its done out of patience.

if its loves, its done out of kindness.

if its love, there would be faith.

if its love, there is hope.

do i hope? idk. 

what we've had was indeed special because in my entire life, i could never be so comfortable with anyone. literally, we didn't have any awkward moments even as friends or during the short-lived courtship days. in the early days, i thought i could be myself and yays, finally there's someone who could accept my flaws and i.

but oh wells. 

not many men can tolerate head-strong, stubborn and egoistic tomboys. after all, men are egoistic themselves who craves for tlc. they gain security by having the ability to provide security. and if the girl doesn't know how to accept that form of protection and security, they would probably feel useless and their ego would be jeopardized. dont get me wrong, i'm not saying all that is bad. its just that such behavioral traits are like the electrons of a nucleus. negatively charged, and always finding the cooperative positively charged atom to bond- legit ladies who meet the social norms: kind, soft-spoken, dresses well, eats well, appreciates nice expensive food/things and so on. 

i'm probably like the... noble gases of the periodic table. unreactive, with a full set of electrons, so i dun know how to participate in such chemical bonds. how noble. 

haha. cringe. 

anways, as i've mentioned a thousand of times in my years of blogging, time doesn't heal wounds. wounds will be left as scars, u just need to get used to it. no one can give a specific time frame, but also come to realize that there's no equation to solve for time, t. 

now here comes the qns. do i regret?

yes.

the reason because, i alrdy knew right from the start, no one was able to carry my emotional baggage along with all my unconventional habits, and yet, i wanted to take the risk. i trusted u too much.

and though i tried to pull back the throttle even in it, u held my hand and wanted to press on. i allowed you to coz i really thought we could go the distance since i really loved you.

and though towards the darker days of the road, though it was so tough, i tried again. but i guess u were tired of all the fights.

to some extent, i do feel cheated, especially during the end of the road. but i guess in ur defense, u'd have ur rightful reasons. 

i guess the consolation of it all is that there was indeed a traumatizing phase of my life when i lost myself to u. i tried to succumb to all ur needs and desires though it seemed futile. for every move i made, or didnt make, it was filled with much fear and stress. in my entire life, i was never under such pressure, never felt so alone. i still rmbr the slightest of anything could evoke a tear from my watertight tear glands. so could u imagine when we really argue. perhaps i had gone mental without knowing. even on those days when my mum viciously caned me till my hands had blisters (that my tchr even asked if i was under some home abuse), i felt those were incomparable. at least i was fully aware that my mum caned me out of love and really for my own good. 

but with u, what was good?

disappointing to say, i still love u and ur flaws.

just that u've ran out of gas and can't find ur petrol station.

despite all that, i was willing to try again but its clear that u'd rather not have me by ur side at all even as platonic friends.

perhaps we're both too similar- loving someone doesn't mean u need to keep him or her by ur side. if it makes the other happier by letting go, then so be it.

perhaps u've given in to my stubbornness and independence and i've given in to ur desire to feel.. superior. i can't find a suitable word for this, but i know that i'm not the type of girl u can live with.

not said in any spiteful anger, but i'd be really happy if u can find some girl who can make u happy even without trying. being so close with u over these 3 over yrs, i guess i roughly know the kind of girl u need in ur life and too bad, my attempts were far from it.

i hope this episode is a good lesson for me.

as distraught this whole episode may seem, it was all good, i guess. 

least i have that book full Polaroids of our happy moments which u didn't seem interested to participate in. well, perhaps its timing also. it is a fact that juggling a full time-job and seemingly full-time studies is tough especially when it seems that ur hardwork will eventually lead to nothing. but lets just take it as everything happens for a reason right? 

i dont think i'd ever ever want to fall in love again. really. being in a relationship may not be for everyone and i cannot naively think that i can be part of the majority.

i mean, look. though i miss u like hell, least i'm on track to finding back myself. least i can wear what i like, do the things i like to do, ride to wherever i want to, eat the foods i like to eat, go out with whoever i want to, all without feeling so damn guilty.

so sportspoon, what's there to be so sad about.

dont miss the good times, coz i guess good times can be recreated again. just dont lose urself and ur principles. men will always be men. when they get what they want, they'll scoot off. never pass judgement on intangible words but by the practical actions taken.

now that i've decided to totally give up on this kind of relationship, i hope to stick to it and rmbr why i'm doing this. i hope that if one day u get married, u'll invite me to ur wedding, or at least, introduce me to the girl whom u've decided to spend ur life with coz i'd reallly really wanna meet her.

perhaps she can teach me a thing or two. hahas. 

take care, love. 

u and ur family will still be in my prayers every night coz i still want the best for u.

thought it seems that what we've had was a mistake, i guess,

the only wrong decisions are the ones we didn't take.

hung

now i realize how much i actually mean to u all these while.
were u happy when u're with me, at all?

I do miss ur arms around me,
and having a shoulder to lie on when the days hit hard.

But, the jacket i got for u is still left hanging,
miserably, feeling  unwanted.

u left me long ago.

i recall that time u left me back alone on the streets of KL. at night.

what now.

in public now.
my heart is aching and idky i keep crying.

i've tweet so much that i think i should stop and blog now.
idky.
i'm like trying to do my report on Corrosion, but like just v emo.

God, help.
do i need to see an earthly doctor?
dont worry, i'm not suicidal. too much to live for, and mother poon needs me.

and its not like i feel lonely or need company
nor do i want to talk to anyone i know about all that's going on.
its not like i know whats gg on inside me also.

i dont even feel like wallowing up in self pity,
or go on binge drinking,
coz im still sane enough to know that alcohol is only worth it from duty-free,
or like good drinks over some good meal.
and i have a professional job that needs me 100% sober.
see. i'm ok.
?


my heart just v painful.
i hope that perhaps its coz of ytd's 10k run.
like u know, physical aches rather than emotionally inflicted aches.


i hope all this shall come to pass soon.
coz i'm still trying to do my report.
but i cant go on coz the tears is blocking my view from googling and typing.


although, i feel that i'm left hanging.
tell me you hate me pls.
tell me u've given up.
tell me straight that you do not want me in ur life anymore.


i need to kill all of this.
i need to get on with my daily duties pls.
and i need all that focus i can get for this semester's exams.

i'm not even seeking for any solutions.
and after typing all of these things,
i'm not searching for any comfort.

i just want to be normal and driven to do fine in life again.

convolutions

dysfunctional.
i dont know for how long can my heart eat itself out.
issit coz my heart too big that its gg to be the longest of time?

drastic.
drastic moments and drastic actions.
unnecessary, but necessary.

convolutions.


idk how can i keep this down.
how can u even keep this down.
perhaps, all along it was a misunderstanding.
it was never for the long run but for the short falls.


if this is what u really want,
then i guess i have done all that's necessary.
i didnt want to, neither did i have a choice.


long and gone.
may i find peace in solitude and work again
may my studies engulf my search for solace
or rather, may stillness find my quivering heart

broken battered and tried,
i was never ever up for this.
i've lost so much
and i dont think i'd ever want any of this back


except you
who's never to find me again.
for a friend's that's gone so far away,
this void will never have that closure,

once again.



once again.
its all too familiar.
perhaps all these consistency will be habitual.
may my heart be used to it.

be used, again and again,
but it doesn't matter
nothing else matters,
nothing else matter.

work study woes

really stressed out.
the lab assignments and projects are really taking up alot of time. and on top of that, there's like online quizzes which open for 24hrs. and as i try to study, i just dont get it. but for now, its just clearing all these deadlines. 3 more projects, 3 more quizzes to go.

quite annoying actually. i've give up so much but it doesnt seem enough. u know like working and studying is really mad. i mean like, idk how my collegues can do it when they are married with kids. i've stopped gg for trngs and games, and like today's mother poon's bday and i had work and sch; didn't go for her bday dinner with my sis.

then as i'm struggling to understand all these lab programmes, its really tough when i can't get help. i mean i dont have a strong foundation nor time to like go figure out just like many of the guys in sch, so pls dont look down on me. i really hate it when i genuinely ask a question, it makes me feel like i'm useless. hello, its not like i'm not trying right. so frustrating.

then now i'm like wasting leaves on gg for lects and labs- and still dont understand. totally giving up my youth and money for something that i dont really need. i'm really frustrated. its not like i grad with this degree i can even make an attempt apply for self-starter for engineers. stupid and useless HR policies. still say ops demand. idk what the co is thinking especially when it keeps proclaiming 'ops demand', 'cut cost' and all. doesn't add up.

anyway, this degree is really taken out of self-interest (as i try to console myself). but the money spent does not justify man. totally giving up my money and youth. i mean i can be like travelling and doing more sports as i'm reaching the decline of my peak of the youth. sighs.

and on top of all these, i'm trying to suppress you.
as i'm trying to deal all these maths and unknown figures, i'm still like in this post-relationship phase. and to make things worse, i think u've decided to even end this friendship. its really killing me inside but all i can do is just keep my focus on my work and sch.
this week, i have sch almost every single day. for the last 3 rides back home from sch, i keep tearing up as i hit the expressway. its like an automated system, the outflow valve opens at Eng Neo exit and the shut-off valve kicks in by Eunos exit so residual flow dries off via overpressure relief valve before reaching Bedok exit. ok, tried to make a joke out of it so it doesnt sound so depressing. but i really miss you and that's all i can do. its not like  i purposely go and think of u or smth, but every single hour, u have still been in my thoughts. and with all these work and sch stress, there's only so much my heart and brain can withstand.
i dont have anyone to talk to, or rather, i dont wanna pour my sorrows to any living person on earth coz over time, i've learnt not to do that. idky, but though corroding inside, i still feel its best that i just forget all these unnecessary thoughts and focus on what's needed in life to function  (steadily) in Singapore.

i still keep thinking that probably u'd try for us again, or at least try to accept me again. then as i contemplate on trying to converse with u, which i eventually do, u give all these cold conflicting ans. conflicting coz when u say a yes, its a no. come on, we've been texting for the last 3 yrs, how can i not know. idk wth i'm trying to do also.
i still love u. but what can i do when u dont love me for who i am even when i try to change to someone whom u could love. but y am i doing this? it doesn't make sense.
u're generally not a nice person. though u can be very thoughtful hence overly protective, your ego refrains u from being nice and happy for urself or those around. or maybe i'm wrong about u from the start. u were never a nice person to begin with. y? 'coz the world is a cruel place and no one deserves nice'.
but of course. if everyone thinks like you, u're so going to be right. u have ur past experiences and i also have mine, so y can't u respect that. and since there's no equilibrium out of that, y dont just attempt to make the world a better place?
anyway, whatever. u're not mine anymore.

i genuinely wish that u'd find someone to give you all the love and warmth you need, so you have more room to exercise your egoness being a protective man-for-the-girl. or well, perhaps its not that u have a big ego, but its my ego and stubbornness that makes me say all these. but does it matter? u've stopped the pursuit long ago, and yes i still must say - i feel cheated. who cares.
i do believe other girls can make you happier and would be more patient and.. obedient towards you. wish you luck. not saying this in a spiteful manner coz i know i still have undying feelings for you (as of now), but i really wish i can let you go so i can end all these internal misery and let you go entirely as well. gosh i sound so spiteful despite claiming that i love u. tbh, i hope to hate u one fine day and hoping that day to come real soon.

from the start, u alrdy knew my issues and promised to worked together. so did i. so maybe i did not work hard enough and be as girl as i can be. but i just can't take it when i try to be girl, its becomes annoying to you (and to me as well). deciding to go separate ways is probably the best solutions, so at least it gives us a clearer picture if either one of us is willing to let go of our ego and fight our issues together. but i guess, since it also seems that i'm unwilling to humble myself to be meek in my ways towards yours, then i guess i'm also not worthy of ur time, effort and love.

but taking a big step out of this mess, on e whole, clearly i'm  more relieved. i'm no so emotionally stressed. the last few months with u was really tormenting. as much as there's love, every movement i make, action i take, words i say, ppl i text, ppl i take photo with, friends i have... it just get very very paranoid, worrying that if anything i did would upset u; in which, whether i do or not, it still upsets u.

ANYWAY. u know, today i saw ur sis' igs that ur mum is finally taking her first flight out!
idky, but i felt happy for ur mum. like finally. i mean the son is an aircraft tech but the mum hasn't flown on an aircraft before! she has so much to see man. its like, i know u're also gg to be happy (or maybe not, since 'theres nothing to be happy about') but as i have all these positive feelings, its still tearing me up. i hope i could be nonchalant, or ignorant. perhaps its that so called 'love for you', but i'm really finding trouble in trying to detach my feelings for you.

i will never love again.
i can vouch for that.
over a decade ago, i was struggling with the same shit. its u who promised me that we'd work on our issues together, but guess what, u've affirmed my issues. idky if i'm saying this out of anger or stress now, but what i know is that i feel at ease and care free w/o having 'another half' in my life. so much for the happiness, but if all the stresses outweighs all these goodness, then i think its time acknowledge that i'm not up for it. of course, love doesn't come without the flaws, but really, this is too much. so what if we have so much in common, its probably too much in common that we're in this state.

cant believe i'm typing all these out.
but since u've shut my social media out long ago, i guess u'd never come here also because of ur ego and standing up for what 'is right'.



ok. school work is taking a toll on me and its obvious.
but idk how to cope. nothings going to change even when exams are coming in May. its alrdy March and i'm struggling with the workload. haven't even started studying proper. and with my peers whom i also can't depend on for any technical or emotional help, its really time i learn to be strong again. theres' this quote "You'll never know how strong you are until  being strong is the only option," yep, that's right. my family is financially dependent on me, and i really dont have much of a choice but to graduate well and end this studying. u know, i really love studying. that's true, its just that its just v frustrated that i dont have time for anything and its also taking a toll on my health and fitness. without all these runs and trngs, i'm just killing myself. already dying inside, i hope not to die on the outside.

anyway, glad i've emotionally vomit this out. not a post to be proud of or worth re-reading.
but i just need to press on and get my shit together. i really dont have much options left.

linear anaylsis

i'm feeling all sorts.
at this point in life with all the various outlets of social media, if i ever blog here, means its serious.

i've always mentioned that i started out this blog is to share my life, to share my experiences and thoughts with people and hopefully to inspire people around and all. but in the recent years, this place has evolved into the deeper realms of my heart. its only through typing it out slowly that i can reorganize my thoughts to put me back in an unstable equilibrium again.

currently, there's twitter, instagram, instastory, and even Pinterest that i'm using as outflow valves to a system that is self-overfilling. twitter is mostly for instant profanities / thoughts and words i can and should never say out in whatever circumstances while ig is for like thoughts worth sharing using 1 pic. as for instastory, i think this is an interesting one. i think having a bf and sharing ig stories about ur moments in life should probably be inversely proportional. i'm currently ig-storying alot now. i mean, though i sound deeply emo in this space, no doubt i wont deny that i'm as such, but i think i've got that tinge of humor from my dad. whether ppl around me gets it or what is another thing. but i'm just glad and thankful that i can still be a jovial person for ppl around me even when circumstances is as shit as it can get. lastly for Pinterest, its just another outlet for visual comfort as well as letting the pictures speak millions of the unspoken words.

i still love you.
so much.
so much that i miss you too much.
i dont know what to do with all the feelings and emotions that i have for u right now.
do i want you back? i dont know actually. that's entirely another question.
being a girl, i do notice that u dont even read my ig stories, like my post nor bother to entertain my attempts in trying to converse with u on whatsapp or dm again. i'm trying to get ur attention which u're trying to ignoring. idk if its on purpose or u really just dont care anymore. but i  kinda wish that its intentional? then perhaps it would mean that i still mean smth to u.. maybe for that 1% left. but i have no idea. its sad that u dont even want this friendship with me while i'm still trying to search for that line. i'm sorry that i can't find that tight rope to stand on to balance ur needs and requirements of me. and trying has being futile and have definitely led to heaps of misunderstandings since after all, while trying to be someone whom u want me to be, i've lost myself.

to the mainstream public, this does sounds like a dont-change-yourself-for-a-guy kind of situation. but i guess if its out of love, its worth it? all i wanted is ur love and attention, but along the way, somehow we have loved too much, forgetting to fundamentally love ourselves. But tbh. i didnt like myself when i was with u. If i didnt lile myself, how could  expect u to love me right.  I mean, other than not being able to be myself, i felt tt it was difficult to be nice to ppl without getting on ur nerves. I did stupid pointless as impractical things which if i did or did not do, would still irritate u in some sense. Idky y i so attention seeking.  Issit coz i hope u can love me more?
i tell myself that if u wanted me back, u'd fight for it. i mean, that's also one of the main things i love about u - u strive to get what you want. so i guess if u've stopped trying, its pretty clear. - i just dont want to get that; can't seem to internalize that fact.

y cant you love me for who i am?
for my flaws and i?

i think one most hurtful thing is u affirming that initiation of break up back in Aug when we've doing so many happy stuff together till mid dec 2017 on our final moments. i felt cheated.
i thought we're still  happily tgr. so whats that last 5 months suppose to mean? tbh though i was constantly trying to change old habits to fit urs, but it felt like u didn't even bother to give some consolation for that. i know i'm blunt coz i just say what's in my head. this is something i've always been trying to change even at work, but i always believe in honesty. even if it hurts. the hard truths are always more beneficial that then comforting lies. i ought to be punished severely for that, but havent u dont so? really.
in those months, they were pretty traumatic. every little thing u did, triggered me. i was paranoid to some extent. looking back now, i can say that i couldn't even tell. u know, every little hurtful words u said magnified into bloody choppers that slashed my heart on the same cut. i was shaken. coz when when we went out, sometimes those normal superficial harmless stuff could also triggered my tear ducts to be in active mode. like a few times i had to try and wipe of those tears from my eyes w/o letting see. my heart was shaking. literally quivering. so subtly violent that i had to google for some biological explanation for that.

mother poon asked me why didnt u come over for cny dinner this yr again. last yr we argued over idk what. and this yr,.. erm... i guess coz u're not part of my life any more? mother poon even dreamt of u and told me the story. i wanted to text u.. but what for?

i actually wanna blog about work and all coz currently my department is undergoing some massive interim restructuring and its pushing to destabilize whatever culture that is comforting. alot of movements, changes, and adaptation again; but all these is just secondary.
i mean my dreams and hopes have been kills by the very ones that built it also. so yea. sighs.

currently, juggling this 4 mods with labs is really sucking the life out of me.
i've never started studying for exam so early... but even though i've started, i feel like i dont have enough time. u know i've actually set a date countdown, and it reads 70 something days left to the first paper. its not alot if 70% of it are work commitments. and with all these restructuring at work and all, i'm trying not to let it affect me. currently, i'm trying to manage the amt of sleep i get, the amt of food i take in considering the amount of work i do and the little of time i'm committing to fitness.
i hope to climb or run in between so that i can have good nights sleep that i can have 40% of the week.

but anyways, its also good coz i'm keeping my brain occupied.
today while studying, i kept thinking of u. it was like a pounding techno music that's banging in my head. i couldn't focus. i kept instastorying to vent it out. i miss resting on ur shoulders especially after a long and tough day at work. coz with ur arms around me, not that i needed any form of security, but i felt safe. i craved for that feeling again. i felt like i could take on whatever life throws at me. haha, but then this is the irony; coz i can't handle even the slightest of words that u say to me.

hence, right from the start, i did knew that this was gg to be tough. but i didn't expect it to be this tough till we're like this now.
i always wanted us to be friends first.. to take our time. to establishing that solid base of friendship, so that we can accept each other just as we are, without any expectations or having anything to lose. like u know, go out, chill, and just be ourselves. i should have stuck to that principle.
but oh wells. i mean now that's another reoccurring algorithm, i guess that principle will be etched deeply now and probably till forever.  its probably a 'wrong' move to think that u're gonna be my forever. omg, that's damn cringey. hahas. but yea, i really thought we're gg to be in each other's lives forever coz there's never once a moment that we're awkward with each other.


but now, i have no idea.
lets just hope i dont do anything reckless at the spur of the moment like texting u 'i miss you' or 'are u ignoring me' and all. i mean, its obvious, whether intentional or not, u dont want to have anything to do with me anymore. its sad that i've lost someone so dear to me whom i can share my moments with. but i guess if u dont appreciate it / find myself a nuisance, then i guess lets just hope that at least a minority of the ppl viewing my social media can share my moments with me.

despite all that, thank God for everything. so much to thank Him for.


thank You for this song so so much.

---

Prince of Peace \Hillsong UNITED

My heart a storm, clouds raging deep within
The Prince of peace came bursting through the wind
The violent sky held its breath
And in Your light I found rest

Tearing through the night
Riding on the storm
Staring down the fight
My eyes found Yours
Shining like the sun
Striding through my fear
The Prince of peace met me there

You heard my prayer

Hope like the sunlight piercing through the dark
The Prince of peace came and broke into my heart
The violent cross, the empty grave
And in Your light I found grace

Tearing through the night
Riding on the storm
Staring down the fight
My eyes found Yours
Shining like the sun
Striding through my fear
The Prince of peace met me there

You're always there
And You hear my prayer

Your love surrounds me 
when my thoughts wage war
When night screams terror, 
there Your voice will roar
Come death or shadow,
God I know Your light will meet me there

When fear comes knocking, 
there You'll be my guard
When day breeds trouble, 
there You'll hold my heart
Come storm or battle,
God I know Your peace will meet me there

Again and again
Oh, be still my heart
I know that You are God

Oh, fear no evil
For I know You are here

And my soul will know
Your love surrounds me
when my thoughts wage war
When night screams terror,
there Your voice will roar
Come death or shadow,
God I know Your light will meet me there

And my soul will know
When fear comes knocking,
there You'll be my guard
When day breeds trouble,
there You'll hold my heart
Come storm or battle,
God I know Your peace will meet me there

Oh, be still my heart
And my soul will ever know that You are God
And You heard my prayer