Youth 20s

so yea, i sacrificed my nationals this year, again.



anyway,
our team got champions.
for me, mixed feelings. just glad that i think i've improved in d. still got to improve for a. and no matter how anyone may look down on me and keep saying that i'm never right, i thank God for friends and teammates who tell me truth.
although u really took away my first game, i'm glad it took me one game to recover out of it.

the truths doesn't have to be something that's good. i know, and i can tell the difference between what's really to build me, or simply to just tear me down so that u look better. sounds childishly better, but at this age, this is happens.

anyway. really proud for some of my teammates who's improved alot and really fighting for it. (: thank u.



immediately went for the last saturday rehearsal and danced all out.
still scared.


tired. and burnt.




usually, i'd take like 10mins to get home. today, i took near 20mins coz i was really dragging myself home.

we had 5 games, 5-2-5, with about 15mins interval each games. and had the finals as well.
hot sun.
gd weather.

28th nov.

i ensure that my desk was cleaned, chairs in, laptop closed and things are packed.
i press the button, walked out of the glass door, ASAP.
press the 'down' button at the lift area, went down a pretty avg 14 storey building,
RUSHED OUT to meet freedom.



i felt good.that feeling was just- SHIOKKK.
freee from being quiet and not myself.
even today, nothing really much the different even though most of the collegues are clearing their annual leaves.
but, thank God for everythign. i don't really care about the results, i just want to thank God for working with a bunch of ladies with office politics.





28th nov.
it used to be a very impt date.
it's still is now, just that, i can't do anything about it.


well, its ur bday. hahas.
every year, i was in thailand.
it was only the 2nd yr that u were in thailand with me.
last yr, u were also in thailand with me.


so basically, every year, we couldn't have a proper celebration together because we're on a mission trip. i couldn't do anything though there were a thousand and one ideas to surprise u to just make u feel special.


and when its my bday, it always falls on a day where u have ur trng or i'll have mine.
we seem to been busy with our sports. we're captains then. u had ur team to lead, and i had mine, plus, i had the whole prefectorial board to lead as well.
but, i think i've done my best by meeting u downstairs at ur place coz i cared for u. (sia la). haha. i didn't want to tire u (its not that near ok). though i had a straight bus, it would take about 45mins? someties less if its late at night. i was tired, burnt out. didn't have any time to do my homework though O levels was around the corner. i felt that it was worth it and didn't take note about it. i really thought i could do it, thus, no matter how tired i'd be, i wouldn't voice it out. big mistake.


u'd offer to send me back, but being marian, i strongly rejected it coz i felt that it wasn't practical and u're just wastin ur time. that's also maybe a wrong move. i guess sometimes in a relationship, its not just abot being practical about life or just caring for a person. it may be better to care for the relationship as a whole. to just spend time with each other, at the right priortised time.

so its like, we over cared. we just over want the best for each other by not really telling the full story of stuff. not being bhb but, when i was with u, there was guys chasing after. i kept it from u because i knew u'd be apprehensive abt it coz we sort of like just started out. and then when u found out, both of us couldn't say much. i just couldn't. and it carried on.

and then, me being not confident always feel that i'm not the best for u. which made u feel that way about urself towards me. haha. that was just plain wrong and yea, wrong. not good. it got worse when i got to SA. i think for that u're over paranoid from me moving from a girls sch to a co-ed. even though u knew like 80% of the SA DSA guys who were mostly from ur sport (who were my friends), u were still worried. hahas.tsk tsk.



looking back, maybe i've set priorties wrongly. it should have been study over sports and then over u, and not u as the near top. i've learnt that really, trust, mutal understanding and transparency is impt. there has to be both the practical and not so practical stuff in it. i shouldn't have been so.. headstrong. meaning to carry my burdens all by myself even though i know i could do it. yea, i did share with u, but held back most of it coz i didn't want u to worry. again , mistake. i guess, the female side has to just be not-so-strong so that the guy can indirectly give the girl some sense of security if not he'll fell... erm.. not good about it?




sometime back in august, i wrote a poem in an attempt to express myself.



sometimes i think i've totally left the past behind.
but the sweet memoraries dont make me fine.
sometimes i do miss my dad,
but missing you can even make me more sad.

i dont really know what would salvage this defeat.
sometimes i'd just sit there staring at my two blank feet.

this' e beauty of this complicated impatient girl,
never wanting to admit that one's becoming frail.
i get it, i deny it.
i dont get it, i long for it.

sometimes i thought i've moved out of that state,
but deep down inside it's still an empty crate.
deleting you out of my life is becoming impossible,
because your surving phone number is making me disable.

now you've got someone who's gg to be there for you,
and reallly, i'm just so happy and glad for you.
i'm just so proud that i can think this way
and still get on with my endless day.

in a way, i'm glad that we've decided to go seperate ways,
but i'm just not fine with how so many things were left unsaid.
with her around, i hope u'll do even better,
coz i'm amazingly still praying that she'll fill your empty craters.

if time could just go back to where we started,
i'd say that i'd have many things adjusted.
our feelings weren't enough to hold this together,
coz i know that many things that were making this whole thing blurr.

maybe in the first place i should have just kept to my principles,
never wanting to place my trust in any of you people.
but i guess ur heart really made mine melt,
and uptill now, i dont really regret how i felt.

but one thing i dont regret is falling for you,
n that's the thing that's giving me no clue.
nothing seem to be able to break that heavy fall,
neither can i retrieve that rolling ball.

bah! so edgey!
and just so crappy.
maybe i just miss you.
your words left are now like glue.

somtimes i just dont know whats wrong with me now,
i'm always welcoming you back to take a bow.
no, nothing more than that,
coz i nv again will i want to be this sad.


ok. get out.
i shall just sit here and pout.




hahhaa. looking at the whole thing, maybe that wasn't the right time to start. i should have just prolonged our friendship first. we're friends for about 4 yrs but i think that wasn't really enough. our friendship base wasn't strong enough for a break to fall on to. thus, we're not even on talking terms.



i hope we'd all grow up from it really.


msybe i'm saying all these to just get whatever's one my chest out. since u wouldn't want to take time to respond to my thousand and one letters to ask u to put a clean end and not leave it hanging, i'd just blog it here for friends to read- to be heard. i dont think u'd ever come here anyway. not that u've anything against me, but i believe u're not those that would bother to read ppl's blogs unless for other apparent reaons.. i may be taking a chance here, but i highly doubt it.


i'm not sure if u've moved on, but i believe so. am glad for u.
i'm not sure myself.



so on this day, i wish u a very happy birthday of ur life. happy that u're present to be once part of my strongholds of strenght and encouragement and a big listening ear whenever i faced trying situations. may u continue to find joy in whatever u do and succeed in them. i'm positively confident of ur girl to be there for u. she's really a ultra nice girl and i do hope that u'll treasure her ok. like seriously. i mean well. haha, yes, dont be shock that i can be this maganimous because ultimately, i just want the best for u.
tsk tsk. oh man. i think i'm damn nice.


steady boh. HAHHAH.
ANYWAYS.


back to earth,



anti-government thais are making the airports close one by one. this year's mission is heavily affected. after much deliberation, voting, advising, seeking, searching, some ppl pulled out. now, i heard that only, those above 21yrs are allowed. thus, the youth team has suffered severely. all the months of hardwork, training and preparation weren't really put to use. the 15 day trip that was supposedly over 2 halves is cut to the 2nd half, i think, in hope that the king's bday will make a difference.
i'm just worried for the villages that they're gg to miss out in the first half. every year, things like that happen. riots fall on the time of departure and stuff like that.

this's yr's situation really bad. spiritual warfare?

i think so.
but nonetheless, i believe in God's plans. He knows and He's planned it all out. it'll be a sweet ending in the end. if not, it's just not the end yet.

may the team grow strong together and keep praying. though certain adjustmets may have been made, they may not be the final one.
God will work, and the Spirit will move if we just follow closely.
i believe it'll all turn out fine.

pray for strength for the leaders now.

mistakes.

today, i learnt to make mistakes.


my mistake is always being afraid to make mistakes.
thus, i dont dare do things and make mistakes.
then, i being so unconfident.
then, i dont talk.
then, i become blur.
then, i give myself excuses
and then, i can't use my speed.


just do it.


today, i managed to go trng earlier coz i had to go Tampines to deliver goods. then to avoid surcharges, coz i could claim cab fare, i left office earlier.
so, i reached b4 6pm!! at around 545pm?


i was abit disappointed to see that by 6pm, most of the seniors and some freshies were down, but not everyone. the seniors that were late booted up at the field. then at 6.25pm, ppl were still at the grand stand. talking their own sweet time. ok. some of which had class. BUT, some of them were at the grand stand even b4 i arrived.

so i really think there's no reason to not be at the field by 6pm.
discipline has no excuses. if u're late, means u're late. unless valid reasons luh.
i'm sorry, but i have to compare it with the past.
when class ends slightly b4 6pm, we'd rush down to the field, being all excited to play. sometimes, we're every early. maybe even 4pm plus. by 6pm, we'd already be playing touch. at the sidelines, whoever's not playing would be practising the drills that coach taught the previous trng.
but i rmbr the snrs being very very erm... urgent. about things. they'll be like... "girls! u all dont want to play ar!"- not jokingly.

haiz.





this morng, read the reas abt Thailand. now, worried for this yr's mission trip.






ONE MORE DAY.
I AM SO HAPPY TO GET OUT. (((((((:

night. mares.

last night. the wind was howling. the rain was pouring.
several car alarms went off.
it was close to passing it off as a typhoon.

all alone at home in the dark room,
i hid myself under the warm blanket looking at hard shadows of violently rustling leaves, casted by the frequent lightnings.

and soon, succumed to my slumber and dead calves.



but.




i had a dream. but this time, you are the antagonist.
there were moments with this warm fictional person (wasted). even though i just felt so loved, and as one, there was still that fear present.
it all felt so real. although i was happy, and that person was ultra-mega trustworthy, i was still guarding that fear, clingling on hard to it.

maybe i'm really all out to not trust anybody so much any more.
and maybe, that's a good thing after all.

rehearsals

i've never danced till my calf muscles are screaming in stiffness.
haha. dance and be a new form of fitness pls.


seriously. rehearsals today left my legs aching. ballet is finally completed, but not cleaned up yet. both the tap items are done. quite very excitied. heard that tickets are like almost sold out. left the chachat seats at the far end. hahas. whooots. nervous.



i think glen's mad.
he's uploaded tons of photos of thailand onto fb. ok guys, to view my photography porfolio, pls go to glen liang yu xuan's pg and click the albums. HAHA
glen! u psyching up for the trip ar. ahhahas.










i'm procrastinating too much.

dizzzy.

we took a team photo. wasted that some players couldn't make it and coach had smth urgent to attend to.



in a way, it was gd because i could try to do more things today, w/o letting my low self esteem pull me down.
honestly, i think i'm getting it gd. (: i know what i'm doing, and i know how i, and even other ppl can improve. i guess the change of position, in a way, is gd because i learn more. especailly to step out of my comfort zone.
somehow, i just feel that no matter how much i want it, how muct effort i put in, how much sacrifices i've made, it'll never be enough.

we had a little talk today. one or two persons wanting it alone is not enough. saying u want it is one thing. actually pushing urself to do it more is another. i dont wish for lucky chances on those trying days that are coming soon.. but i really hope that as much as i'm giving it my best, everyone will benefit and grow stronger, together. after all, to think big, its for the team, for the sch. i think everyone is too nice to herself, including me.


maybe in the first place, the snrs took the wrong move. should have started out hard.
nvm. i'm just happy to be part of this.
Haha came today. real glad to see her. she gave us yakult. ((:




i think next batch onwards, must start being firm. i rmbr like when i was like freshie.. 1st wk was like getting the feel of the ball.. run around here and there and played team games with the seniors. and then, wk 2 team debriefing was like "if you're not in here to win, get out". everyone was eager to say smth. as freshies, we're always being scolded for being quiet and not voicing out.

hahas. as in, seriously. i rmbred that that was said during our first offical trng (at the dark astro turf). HAHA. and then, we didn't have the luxury of taking our time to improve. we learned the rules and how to play the game b4 trng started, during the game we played after the drills. and not like how recently, freshies get a few months to get into the game and stuff like that. i rmbr how some of us would come early to just pratice the drills so that we won't get drop balls and angry-frustrated faces at us. that was also when i started to realised i need to seriously start priortising. but yea, we're being pushed hard.


in a way, i would call it good pressure. no, its not that pleasent along the way, but i'm sure that we're glad that we went through all that.


on and off the field, everyone was doing everything to get things right. urgency really wasn't an issue because everyone wanted alot of out trng. discipline was like dont even need to think about it. all the time, it just felt that everyone wanted to get it right and apply and move on. we complained tt trng wasn't enough. and then when there's like any selection for any game. seriously, it was like. dead silence. when ppl dont make it, ppl cry. everyone wanted it bad. no excuses.


for me, bowling was a bad move coz it took away time to build my foundation. now that i've missed that one opportunity, i've missed all the opportunities.

anyways. lets talk abt now.
i gues its a friendlier environment, filed with tender loving care around. may be a good or bad thing. but for sure, that might have made us to compromise with discipline.


bad news, capt's foot's not gd. fell into some port hole a few days back. gd news, still can tahan till season's over. bad news, surgeory's gonna be postponed- till after season. which means, this is risky. keeping fingers crossed and pray hard for her.




recently, been having dizzy spells. i dun need to get up from a lying position to feel dizzy. when i was sitting down, i waver abit and my vision started to swirl, as if to navigate its bearings before it settled down. random headaches occur. not killer AMS (acute mountain sickness) kind of pounding headache, but just, head aching.



haha. i just added 3 friends in fb again.
ahhas. bhb. but fun.

quotes

The pain of discipline is far less than the pain of regret.
- Sarah Bombell -




Don't let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do.
- John Wooden -




You have to expect things of yourself before you can do them.
- Michael Jordan -




Experience tells you what to do; confidence allows you to do it.
- Stan Smith -





Nobody who ever gave his best regretted it.
- George Halas -





Adversity cause some men to break; others to break records.
- William A. Ward -






Ability is what you’re capable of doing.
Motivation determines what you do.
Attitude determines how well you do it.
- Lou Holtz -

a.

oh boy. mum just left with some church friends to cameron highlights.

she called me to inform me. i guess she told me b4, but didn't specifically tell me when so it was a shock to me.


did alot of things today. my FINAL WEEK OF SIP.. i am so darn happy.
i went vivo, jurong pt and united sq today to deliver things. again, 10kg-10kg over distances ok. i think i'll build strong muscles after this sip.


i think i saw smth which i shouldn't see yet. but i and sure, that my appraisal would avg a 2.
5 - excellent.
4 - meets most of the time.
3 - generally meets
2 - occasionally meet
1 - fail to meet.


i'm actually happy because the ppl around me are clearinng their leaves this wk, then office will be less noiser and irritating. (((:



haha. i'm still like accepting two friends daily from facebk.








THE VIDEO IS FINALLY DONE.
now, i've still got the CBC one.




i need to ride soon.



sleeeeeeepppppyyyy!

keys.

today's my first time as a pianist for the kids-for-Christ. hahas. made alot of mistakes. obvious ones. but i think once again, i've learnt much. music prodigy peter said that i've improved alot considering that it's all self learnt. hahahas.
gotta prac more in my own time.


for some reason, had to do alot of things in church today.
its like.. taking photos for cbc, dancing and so on.



last night, i wanted to complete the video, but i did until 4am and KO-ed. woke up at 7am to acc mum to church to prepare breakfast for sale. mum also slept at 4am while preparing the food at home.



i was dead tired.
had to help carry all the food stuff down to hail a cab. and that was enough to make me buang. then had the video session today. was tired. do decided to go home after that.





i owe alot of ppl dinner and outings. tsk tsk.




the mission team is leaving for thailand soon. i feel so.... so.. out of place. its like. i feel that i'm super GUAI, having to choose to not skip sch and all for this yr. last yr, i went ahead with my 4 disapproved Leave of Absence, and got back 6 warning letters. mum was like... wah. u good sia. 2 wks, get 6 warning letters. hahahs. but really, that few minutes during the Agnus Dei at Sensuk meant everything.


daniel and paul showed this yr's team how to do Creator King. i didn't know until i dropped by the room, waiting for uncle han meng. when i went in, they were at the last few parts. as i watched them do the skit, all the memoraries of thailand flowed like a gushing river.


like, how the youth team would pray like mad just for the villagers in the church at those cold nights to just turn to Christ and allow God to enter in.
it was, powerfull.
when the sinner nails Jesus' hand into the wood during the skit, i always get that goose bumpy feeling. dont have to mention about Agnus Dei.


i'm alittle worried for this yr's youth team because there's only 3 guys. 1 full trip and 2 other half trippers. usually, it'll be like 4-5 guys. i know God will provide, but i hope that they'll learn to take breaks. hahas. last yr, that was one of our valueable lesson- to learn to take breaks.


anyways. after svc zheng shared with me about his thoughts abt the 7 ministries thing. (i blogged abt it on nov 3rd) and yea, it was a gd sharing because i'm real glad that this decision was sought after for long time and it was God who gave the clear green light.
i appreciate him for taking time out to explain / clear out some of my doubts. well, i still do have my doubts in certain areas, but, if it all goes parallel with God's plans, it wont be wrong. i guess dealing with the years of a teenager is really a delicate process and really, have to be dependant on God.


ok.
u know like right now, even with my organised orgainser, i cant rmbr what's gg on for this week. it think i'm really bogged down my rectials. and the fact that performace is in 2 wks and the dance is not complete. plus. sch's starting. my wkends are filled. all wkends. i have endless task to complete. i want to take part in this photo competition also can't find the time to. maybe, i'm taking things too slowly so i can't catch up with myself. or, i'm just taking on too mnay things (which would make more sense).



every wk, ppl come up to seek help.. like today, i reject photoshoots again. and another videos. hahas. i'm honoured and i feel like SPIDERMAN. with great power, comes with great responsibility. but the reason for my rejects is becasue the timings clash with SIP. and i think, its also time that i learn to say no whenever i can't gurantee a promise. but so far, so good. still can, coz i tend to think i'm superman at times, even though my low self esteem still really exist.



i need to slp.
saturated brain juice is not good.



and the amazing thing is, even though my mind is bogged down with thousandandone things, i still can blood* think of u.
haha. there one post some time ago (i think i was the night b4 bowling pol-ite. 17th oct?) , i blogged the struggles that i thought that i've gotten over. HAH. so my prediction was actually right. because we've literally missed each other on sundays, loosing physical sight of u helps to heal the wound.
and then, when i see u again, today. tian ar. the stapled wound like split open. and then, the cycle continues again. cuii.

i hate to be all whiney again. but i have to say this. BUAY TAHAN. why can't i just forget u forever. u're either damn lucky or damn suay that u're a friend that i can't get go of.


my command of the english language is bad.
cant seem to constructed a 'perfect' sentence.


EH. i miss sammmmmm, qing qing and ping ping and manda and all others. AHH.
its really both a gd and bad thing to have crossed paths with so many people. what more, build a relationship and starting missing each other.








as u can see. this post is random.and many things. i duno. my mind's messier than this.



SLEEEEEEEEEP.

editing

been using windows maker alot recently.

today, i successfully help ms shanti to cut music for the recital. its it 2 wks time and the dance is not quite complete. abit scary. but felt very achieved to hear that my cut music, using WINDOWS MOVIE MAKER, sounds near flawless. the beats was all in time and all.

whooots.



still workgin on tny camp vid. tough vid i'd say. because every 4-5 edits, i'd better click ctrl+s. if not, it'll hang. confirm.




this morng, supposed to go down help out with that. but i chose to sleep in. woke up at a glorious time of 10am to start on the video. i knonked out last night, leaving the lights and com all on. hahas.


can't wait for recital. but nervous and afraid of ppl looking at me. this yr, for most of the dances, i'm like infront. haha. coz i'm not that tall u see. worried for quick change. and this yr, dun have technical rehearsal!!!! only one time small time technicall then straight into full dress. like OMG. hahas. abit worrying.




recently, everday, i've been accepting 2 new friends (that i know) on facebook, daily. its like, i nv liked facebook coz i'm an old antique that likes friendster. haha. then i was looking at my profile pg today.. omg. 700 over friends already! the like time i looked at it was like 300 over. and i havent really go and search for friends kind. whhhass. ok. i think friendster suffering now which fb is climbing high.


after rehearsals today, had family gathering. was gd. gd to see shaun. (: hahahs. didn't quite take photos though. hahas.



ok. random.
i MUST finish the vid by TONIGHT.

there.

its a fact that no matter how hard i work, how much i improve, i'm never going to get there in this.
its the stigma, u get it?

i reallly really really do want to move out of this, and move on else where. but yea, its the team that i still wanna be part of.
its where i started and i dont want it to end like that.


no matter what, i'll still give my best coz that's the only way that'll be good for the team. just need to adjust my expectation of myself to get ready for the blow. HAHA.
and u know what, i might just be magnanimous and foresake bowling nationals, this yr, again. for the same reason.
this is dumb.
but this is for the, team.
ohhhs. angel.



but anyway,
i want to thank my secret 'buddy' who's given me nice hand drawn cards. they're very nicely done and i really appreciate you. (: dont have to spend on candies. just write letter to me and i'm more than happy. (:


i think as a team, it was one of the most saddest trng ever. we've been doing abt the same stuff, but the drop balls still count very much.
c is frustrated. everyone's frustrated.
cool yow.
i think. really.
its time that we, take effort. take initiative to make that change. when someone is talking as a team, to the team, jolly well listen up yow. dont even ATTEMPT to finish ur conversation with any individual WHILE that person is trying to speak.
basic discipline: do not talk when someone is talking.
maybe we all think that we're all grown ups and can do our own things. i guess, a big wrong there. its really abt discipline and inititative more than anything else alrdy.



hah.



again. in the office now. i was the earliest and everything was locked. so i waited outside for half an hour. most of our bosses were on leave today.



i think i hurt my back ytd. i bended forward to catch the ball (almost 90 deg) while running and fell. later on, i stupidly broke another fall by landing on my knees.
u can call it either too focused on catching the ball, or plain dumb with no faster and smarter reaction to fall.

5th annviersary

just had lunch.


its my dad's 5th year being MIA at home.
these 5 yrs would pretty much be the most difficult ever for myself and my family, having to adjust w/o the father, the husband and the bread winner.

i guess i've probably learnt alot. i guess my sis mum and i have changed with the influence of his absence w/o knowing. my mum... i think she's less talkative and vocally expressives. she's like quieter now. though she still nags alot. i can see that she still can't get use to the fact that there's no POON around. eh. they were like childhood neighbours, first love n so on. i think when she was 12 or 14 they like hanged out or smth. dad would make excuses to go 'visit the aunty' but is actually to pass her notes/ PASSPORT PHOTO. EHHHWWWS. hahhahhahahas.

anyways. for my sis, now that she's like offically wed to this special ops guy and so on.. she's probably like moving on in life, being more matured and sensible. she's probably grown closer to my mum, being more sensibly supportive in the household decisions.

while as for me, i'm still the rebellious kid. the one that gives trouble to the family. the thing is, i know my mum hates me as a rebellious kid but loves me has her daughter. i guess all the time, we bicker and talk. but that's probably how it is- it has nv changed. just that because of dad absence which made things more serious at home, mum takes whatever i say in as to R-E-B-EL and D-E-F-Y.


i've changed. i'm less confident. i'm less driven. i'm less myself-myself. i'm always working for a positive impression. i'm happy yes. but when at home, alone, it's just different. the more i put up a happy front, the more i believe in this character i'm playing. in a way, gd. but in a way, it also gives u much confusion about ur identity. the safety bouey would be to make sure that really, whatever u do, u put ur hear to it and be sincere about it. then things would be easier.


well, i can't say i've been through alot as well, coz there are ppl out there, at my age, worse off than me.. like parents died in a car crash and have younger siblings to take care of.


i dont blame anyone for taking my dad away. probably the staff and nurses at CGH and the paramedics who were so unprofessional, slow, and not knowing the consequences of things untill its all too late. i'm dead serious. i'm not biased, but really, i can rmbr the events that took place on those fateful days. that's why my ambition was to be a doctor and revamp the whole shit and like have a medical breakthrough world wide.. maybe even with a medicine to alter blood pressure. wwhooooots.

crazy.

now that this route will be difficult, i wanna be a fireman. that's more meaningful in life for me.


yet, i guess, i am thankful. thankful that i still can walk into my hasbro's office to do things. things are getting better in work now. wasted. i'm left with 1wk. nono, but i'm happy coz its just 1 wk left! (:

*whoots. i just saw an eagle fly by my window!. they always fly around by i never see them up close till now. its nice, big, brown and strong.



anyway. haha. i've also grown to be more independent i guess. bad thing is, i always think that i dont need friends in life. i'm used to be able to survive with that carrying everything on my own, and picking myself up alone when i fall hard.

but after the whole phase with adding another half in my life and then minus-ing it off like that, there's this added void now that i see, that would really teach me to learn that i need to depend on those around me as well. black hole. it sucks really.


God's strength is sufficient for me. but my faith alone is not strong enough to be at that place where i can put my 100% trust in God. we all say, yes, we do love and trust Him 100%ly. but what if somehow, u got a calling to just go like some wierd place in iraq or smth to carry out His work with one Bible, a water bottle and a pen. (and maybe ur passport). would u still have that trust that He's able to provide u with all? hmm.
for me, i'm really not sure, though its not a definte no though. i'd probably just need to be in that situation to understand the weight of things.


haha. i'm able to blog this now coz everyone's like eating dessert in the showroom.



oh oh. i've always been waiting for the Kona Blast 2009 to come in stock so that i can purchase it right. THEN. i made a phone call to Tay's today.. and realised...

SINGAPORE DOES NOT BRING IN KONAS THIS YEAR.

according to Tay's, its because the range of colours sucks. i called Ben from C2C to double confirm... he says its some problem with the distributor.
oh boy. whatever it is.
i'm back to square one. i don't have a proper bike and i need one, soon. hahas.
it's ether changing the brand that i want. but i'm still not sure. OH WELLS. hhahahs.

10th.

hahas. not bad. got 10th even though i started out slow.

click here for results.

the timing like all the same one. can go join women's open luh. hahas. still the same. only 1 scary one only. hahas.



oh well. felt emo today. lame.
went for dance. and i realised that i'm dancing like 4 times a wk now. tsk tsk.

forget it.

do u know what it's like to train and work so hard knowing that ur goal is really not achieveable?


honestly, i've been working on this. when i'm not doing anything, i'd think abt it.
like..
what to do. what not to do. where to stand when to run...

as a w.


now that i've been put to c, there are many things to re-learn.
its like. i'm trying to be positive and make the most of out trng. and then, this happens.
ok. fine, work harder.
but everyone's under pressure. even the coach's under pressure whenever a championship draws near.
i cannot afford to make any mistake.
more importantly, i want to excel. honestly, i think i've improved alot now that i'm able to regularly come for trng with pol-ite bowling over and that coach's really drilling alot of specific information about the drills.


i'm like. hurt.
hah.
coz seriously. i want it badly.
i've made certain decisions that'll affect my future (in a way) and i really dont want to make a wrong step anymore.
if i'm stagnant and not improving, ok fine. at least i've got a clear answer. the thing is that, its stigma.
the world evolves around perception and impression. if u're gd, u're gd forever. if u're bad, u're bad forever.
well, it can be darn right fact.

its like say.. ok. when remy ong bowls like a 169 or smth. ok. he's not on form/ bad lane condition and so on.
but say like when some other good school team bowler bowls 169, he just suck. not there, and so on.






i hate stigmas.
i hate situations like that.
i hate myself for being concerned about how ppl think of me. thats why, i'm also loosing that bit of confidence at the near end. sounds familiar? haha. i know i'm not in this alone.
but i have to accept a harsh fact that is just sitting on the line, waiting for me to be recieved.

i like darn right honest n blunt ppl. coz then, i really know whats going on.
i've never been a coach or what, so i cannot say i truly understand what kind of pressure a coach faces. so. no comment on what so ever in all due respect.
my coach's an excellent coach seriously. she technically very well versed, experienced and just know what to do. i have no doubts in her decisions that will build a team towards the goal, and the gold.


so.
having saying all that,
i've got a decision to make.
i can choose to go all out now and just force myself to accept the fact that i can never get there because of all other factors.
or.
i can choose to put a stop right now, concentrate on what's more tangible and would do me gd in the near future.







hhaha. maybe i should stop all these nonsense and go full time into music and my climbings/adventures.

deranged.

maybe i'm taking life too seriously.
and maybe, i'm not putting in the effort?


actually. nothing.
i kinda actually wished that i have a twin sister. so i'd have someone whom i can talk to and understand eveything.
i miss the late ms devi.




randomly,
i wonder how's haoming doing now in switerland.
i miss 2M02. b4 we kinda like being seperated like that.



i miss alot of ppl in life.
i like to hang out.
i dont usually like to hang out. but sometimes in life, we cant deny that we dont need ppl around us. be it ppl who irritated u. ppl who disappoint u. ppl who tear u down, we all need them to be stronger.



at this point in time.
i cannot accept that fact of feeling that i feel this way. as in like.
still dangling on a thread. i really have no idea why i cant like break this thread. maybe its like a fishing line. unseen, yet there.
slowly, yet surely, i'm gg to hate all males on earth.
i'm sorry.



i've like got a thousand and one things on my desktop waitign for me to clear up.

Swissotel VM 08

i didn't quite hit my aim of 12mins... i think i could have done a weeee bit better if i paced slightly faster. was 2mins under. ): i was with this grp of 7 other girls. omg. they had to hold hands up the level 1-6. couldn't get through until i was like.. erm, really, excuse me. hahas. but ok luh, i think i did my best of it alrdy.


was an experience. ahahs. the stairs are actually very well ventilated and cooling. i think aircond wind comes it or smth.
quite funny.
at at around the 60th storey, i looked at my watch.. 10:54 mins.. wah. not bad. quite under target. then at the 70th storey, it still showed 10:54 mins. that was when i realised that i think i hit the stop button along the way. ahhahs. make be happy abit only. HAHAH.

then then. the men's u-20 led off first. so funny. they kae kiang go and CHIONG the first few storeys. ahhshs. there was a screen showing the 1st, 42nd and top level. HAHAHAHHAH. then at the 42nd level.. AHHAHAH. was funny. the crowd was just lookin at it in amusement. not in a bad way luh. hahas. just.. cute sia. hahahs.


the climb was fun. the killer part is at the 50th - 60th storey. thats when u realised that sufficient trng is impt. ahhaas. after u pass the 60th mark.. easy already. just whack only. hahahs.


some event photos.
made friends with some TP ppl and ppl who came to talk to me. hahahahhhas. and spiderman. he was funny. he's 67 yrs old and very very social. highly. he made it to the news too though. hahas.

the view's there nice. abit misty though. ahhas. thighs like nua maxxx.


will go again next yr. hahas. must hit 12mins alrdy.




after that, went for this course. i think i've learnt quite abit. my brain is tired, saturated and weak now. ahhas. sleepy.

i think touch has indeed trained me to do explosive work rather than anaerobic stuff like running long distances. i find myself very tired doing long distances. i'd rather take the 73 storeys over a 10k.

AIA

last night.

bowled AIA.
didn't know that Graded B needed doubles partner. in the end, just bowled for the Youth category which was against the whole array of the national youth squad. so no chance yes.


the 7pm-squad started at like 10pm. me and amanda got the 9pm and 10pm-squad. so after oiling, we starting the 9pm squad at 12.30AM. and the 10pm squad at around 2am.
bowled till like 3.30am at OCC YISHUN.

thank God for amanda's sz who sent us back k.



i know i wouldn't do that well having not bowl since pol-ite. i bowled a 658 series and leon told me (today) that my name was on the list. HAHAH. for TODAY. so, by tmr, i'm 1000% confirm-gurantee-chop that my name will be kick out by all the national youth. hahas.


the reg for GRADED B IS $100. crazy freak.
youth's only like $20.
seriously. that are they thinking?!


but really, was nice to see the bowling circle again. (:



anway. today, i woke up early for the course. my shoulders and thighs are aching. i always ache after bowling. no proper warmup/stretching or whatsoeva. hahas.




tmr's the climb.
12mins is my aim.
my body's aching now even b4 the climb.

choose

did delivery in the morning to carrefour at PS and Suntec, and Robinsons at centre pt and raffles city. the toy store at robinsons centre point damn nice. feels damn happy when u're inside. estee, joelle and yvonne should take a trip there. hahas. they'll love it.

has alot of sercurity probs! saw the back end of retail. like the unloading of goods and stuff coz in the morng, the store's aren't open.
it was raining. so the journey was quite tiring having to be careful to not slip and fall.


anyway.



i think for today during trng, i'm getting the hang of it all already. all these yrs, been just not focused. with bowling, cant' really give my 100%. ytd during trng, i think i really put my 100% mind into my position and i think i'm really getting it.

as in like... we'll watch when others do the drill and like talk about how to improve/ what she should do and stuff... so it feels gd to have a same viewpt as a team player, knowing that u've said the right thing, and would (finally) make a right decision on the field, early.
i've learnt to be more optimistic about things, because of all the things that's happen, also because of SIP.
(: i think i'm mentally improving, but its not enough.


i think we're really not as disciplined as how we should be. we really should take effort to keep our mouths shut when someone is trying to say smth to everyone. esp towards coach and the capt or whoever's trying to say smth to everyone.
i guess that's basic courtesy and respect with abit of urgency. seriously, i feel that if we're not urgent in trainings, it'll really show in the game and during competition, we'll get the bitter end again. do u realised this yr, we didn't really won anything besides POL-ITE and the nebo for freshies?
i think the seniors got to step up and juniors can be firm to the snrs if we're not like discipline and stuff. aiya. should not senior junior here anymore k.



and u know what,
on the 29th and 30th, its national selections for bowling.
on the 29th, there's a touch competition that it be be taken in to consideration for IVP.
9am. both.


just like the 18th oct (between photog n bowling)
now its bowling and touch.


i really dunno where my heart stands for bowling now. when i'm not bowling, i dont think of it. when i do, its really that good feeling when u make the correct shot and u know that u can do smth. but honestly, why i wanna get into the n team is because i need it if i want to secure a place in NUS/NTU. haha.
cheap thrill. but its smth i got to seriously think about as well. if i do get in through bowling, it would mean 5 more years of it. nono. dont get me wrong. i still love to bowl alot. but, it bowling has to take up time for touch or other things, i think i really go to think again, if it is the time to let it go.

i guess i'm not really to leave the circle yet. i've known alot of ppl through this sport and have grown and learn from it alot during my sec sch days as a capt. its not easy to let go of smth that's quite a big part in my life.
for touch, it relatively smth new as compared to learning bowling for like near 7 yrs (whoa!), but there's still so much more for me to learn for touch.


for now, and as of now, ivp is impt to me coz its my last yr and i really do want to make it.
i dont know whats the right decision for now. coz i'm like afraid if i choose one and fail in it, i'll regret.
both's the same.

if i choose b and fail in it, i've lost an opportunity in something for t.
if i choose t and fail it it, i've lost a possible education further as well.

actually, if u look at it, if i should fail in any one of my choices, it'll be a loose loose situation. oh boy. that's bad.





tmr night, i'm chionging AIA championships. hahas. haven't bowled since POL-ITE but i'm just gg to give my shot tmr night. i'll adjust my level of expectations accordingly. hahas. but of course, i still want to do well.

again, i have a very exciting wkend ahead.
its my usual rehearals and class and jamming with nigel.
there's a course that i'm attending also.
and, SWISSOTEL MARATHON on sunday! hahas. for this, i wanna hit 12mins above seriously and see what happens. hahas. my first and last year in the u-20 womens' cate. hahas.
all in 2-days, 10 things that i got to do, but i can only plan to go for 7. hahas.

super marian.
HAH.

mon-soon

i want to thank God for the rain today though it gave quite much of an inconvenience.


i bought ipod earphones today! (: mine's dying. at max volume, its like.. u must really put in effort to listen.
the new earphones are like.. refreshing. i bought the one with the radio transmittor too!. so now, i can hear radio! (:

yay.


very packed this wkend.
i've decided to bowl AIA once, this friday and see how. hhahahas.


u know wad. i can't find my small carry-with-me-bible. coz i use the big one. then now, can't find the small one. ):

so now,
i cant find the Bible,
and, my Canon 30d batt.
looks like i've got to clear my room soon.

Video making.

Do you know that each time i make a video, God plans for me?


its like.
for me, i find that the key in making video is the music.
each time, i search for the music first. God chooses the music. i run through my itunes, and select a few. then from which, i'll listen the intro roughly here and there and make the selection based on how i feel.

i dont have to plan.


why?
because i usually have a set of photos/videos that i want to run through with it. and, i dont even need to plan for everything to be - in place.
each time when i proceed on to the next step, the music runs nicely with what i want the audience to feel.


i'd always have enough music for the set.
always. (think this is the 4/5th time?)

and,
what's even more amazing that... u know music had changes of mood and stuff like that? God has planned it out.



coz for now, i've justed finished the first section of it, which is just nice, at a right point of the music and i dont even have to plan for it.


God is good.
All the time.

and.


All the time,
He is good.



amen.



thanks ar.

travelled

as usual, i think the whole office hates me now.
i delievered stuff to Jurong, then Woodlands, then Seng Kang today. spent $57 on cab fare in total... claimable of course.

never been to jurong or woodland's heartlands. must say, its an experience. hahahs. quite funky. but the ppl in the west are different from the east



to me, i think i did fairly well in trng today. just got to listen more.
u know what,
i should stop thinking so much.
it applies to my life as well yow.



i've post this b4.
coz while searchin videos for the mission team, i was looking at these images and videos.
i really miss thailand.
one year not going its like a whole empty year. we usually take about 1/2 to 3/4 of a year to prepare. and really, its a time where i really get close to His presence.
and on the trip, He is so there, so there that 'coincidences' just spooks the team and i.

last year, was THE year for me. that 2mins moment at Sensuk was just..... in awe.

a big HAIZ. i must wait for another 400 more days for the next trip. when i want to do stuff, i'd do it all the way. just like how i got 6 warning letters last year for this trip. pontaning 2 wks of full sch days. hahas.


i'm supposed to be working on the vid now. but i'm really thinking about thailand now.



2006, my very first trip. my first village. my v first few thai friends and also, the first grp of ppl that i reached out to.


2007. whenever we brushed our teeth, we'd always catch a glimpse of the rising morng sun reminding us of God's faithfulness.


2008. Boon Tong! beloved driver by our team. been with us for yrs. also the driver who came all the way to pick me up during the yr i went to thailand alone. also the one who bought rachel lee and i corn from this stall by the roadside along the mountains.


2005. at the guest house of carecorner. haha. tired, high, and happy. another reason why i miss thailand- a focused, cheerful youth team.


2006. glandinator. my fellow videophotog bro who i'm sure shares the same sentiments as me.

betr.

hi.

i think i've snapped out of emo world. that's fast.
i'm short-tempered yes.



so today.
nothing changed. just that we never talked. i never talked. no one talked.
it was through emails.
and my bad, i didn't read one email, and got like.. the sarcasm thing again.
i'm immune to it.



in the morng. i reach office at a record breaking time. 810am. i reached bugis at like 7.47am when i board the 7.24am bus. that's like record breaking.





was so happy when i ended work. i was literally couting down. this is the first time, i'm GOING HOME after work. (:
oh yea, bumped into mr. lawr. (from the other dept) while on the way down the lift. we're chatting... and he's like.. work in Hasbro is hectic. so much work. he asked if i were to come back again. i was like. an immediate NO. hahas. he asked y.. i was like.. erm.. not my kind of environment i guess. he agreed. hahas. ((: but he said this liner that got me snap out of my shallow self; "in Hasbro, you learn alot".

ok. not very chim. but honestly, though i am totally not doing anything that requires any marketing knowledge, i'm experiencing stuff. coz my the company is like regional HQ and stuff like that.. so its abt the same as big co.s overseas, just that its smaller and stuff like that i guess. yep.


when i got home, i immeditatedly changed into my sports stuff and get out of the house to climb stairs b4 i procrastinate. this is my last time trng b4 the race though. ahhas. i thought it was the following week. but no, this sunday!!
and, AIA starts this wk as well.


i realised in my life, everything happends tgt. just like 18oct.



anyway. i did 5 sets of 12 storeys. couldn't find any discipline to do the 6th on which will make it 72 storeys. (almost like swissotel's) ahahs. but good this is, i covered all 4 sets well below 2mins each. (:
it was smth like 1:48, 1:44, 1:53, 1:59, 2:00. HAHAH. the timing got slower. and nonetheless, my legs got heavier. this is not an accurate trng also. coz after i reach e 12th storey, i gotta climb down. so its like. cooled down alrdy. hahas.


my aim is still 12mins. HAHAHAH. abit big of an aim, but i hope i can pace well and tahan!! hahas.




k. anyway. last night was nice with nigel, my jammer. we had a short time of recording. still need to work on the moderately bad singing. hhahhaas. rushed to meet this guy at CCK to trade his lespaul Goldtop with this bull's eye guit. sounded gd. ahahs. long way there. but we had fun discussing ah lim's songs. we miss ah lim. should let him know. haahs. he's serving the nation now. i wanna thank God for jammer really. the whole thing just takes my mind off things that i shouldn't even be worrying about.


we're working on the song Here I Am by Shawn McDonald. the music part is easy and really no effort. but the singing's the challenge. we'll make it, and give no less for Him. i'm really glad that the song's helping me. (: i really want to thank God for not letting me go like that.



ok. meanwhile. i'm gg to rush the videos that i owe the church.




EH. ANYONE SEEN MY CANON BATT FOR MY 30D?! ITS MISSINGGGGGGGGGGG!!! :(

stalled.

3 horrible days in a row.
how more worse can it get.


should not even bother to read this post.
just wasting 15mins of your time.


lets talk about ytd.
i sent goods to Forum, then to Vivo. then back to office.
then i found out that i've sent some item wrongly due to miscomm.
so i went back to Vivo. and sent that thing to Tampines.

so i msged the person whos supposed i/c of me, to apologise if we've got some miscommunication. its that same previous person btw. i was nice ok. but she was mean. i was really expecting her to like talk it out with me or smth. but she replied, saying that i'm "unwilling to take in instructions", i "dont have the best attitude when it comes to work" and so on. that's like quoting from her smses. so i kindly replied a thanks for her honestly, and told her that i'm actually shocked to feel this way.
and she was like.. "i'm glad that you're shocked and honestly, you should take time to reflect on your actions and attitude".

i COULDN'T FIND ANY OUNCE OF STRENGHT TO REPLY HER FREAKING IGNORANT ATTITUDE. like. wtf. seriosly. here am i trying to solve some shit that's affecting my SIP and there u are puttin on airs.
like seriously.
i think i'm too bothered my grades more than being bothered by u. because i know that u're gg to be part of my freakin grading shit so i'm being nice here ok.

i'm left with less than 20 working days. if not, i'd just f-ing quit this whole shit with you. its like. come on. seriously. dont push it. i know i'm in NO POSITION to go and bicker with you and make my life more worse in the office because u have your whole department with you ok. in the name of TP, i will freakin bear with your i'm-always-right-self and do what i need to do.

i really cant be bothered with you.


after that, wanted to meet up to celebrate's agnes' bdy and forget about the whole office shit. bad info given to me on bus route. not her fault, i've never trusted SBS journey planner anyway. only use it as a major guide pls. so.

630pm left Tamp.
reached Upp thomson road at 9pm. supposed to meet at 7pm-ish for dinner btw.
got quited f up when i couldn't find the place. again, miscommunication. so i headed the other way, further from the destination.

i was left stranded at an ulu bus stop at 930pm-ish. cars kept coming by and the bus did not come. i freaking gave myself 10mins to break down.
i've never found a time and place to cry this hard. seirously. my life, i feel, screwd. i didnt make it in the end. i just lost my cool.


so the day was like.. Forum. Vivo. Bugis. Vivo. Tampines. Thomson Rd. Adam Road. AMK. Bedok.



its like f. i've been rushing here and there all for nothing. seriously i was too emo to actually eat dinner. thats how freakin sad i am- so bad to actaulyl give up a meal.


today. it was good to wake up at 11am. i needed that break. whole day, i felt my eyes were heavy.


then was WTL. last game of the season.
f up again.
i think we're complacent. more like the s were complacent. we always say.. "ok, lets not split ourselves as s an j", but i think we're freaking doing it on the field, not trusting each other. so when i voice it out, i get shot back. like, wtf. drag me out to talk abt it. dont come and give me that, again. i'm ok with it if i'm majorly at fault. but i'm not ok with it if anyone is trying to prove anything. its not just you who want it. i want it. and many others. i'm not saying the whole team wants it also ok. so stop being individual people.

u know what, since year 1, you've rob me of my confidence. and now, doing it again. not blaming you this time round, coz i've learnt to take it in upon myself, not knowing if its the right thing to do.


during team talk. its not about what shit we've done on the field. so stop saying "do YOU all want it." its we. its a team game ok. stop saying you did wrong when it usually takes 2 to make a stupid mistake. more importantly, we should encourage each other and say things that we need to improve on and how we should work together to go about doing it ok.

during training, when someone is talking, its like, only half the team listens and respect the person. like seriously. stop being complacent. its not about being discipline already. i really think we need scoldings from coach to do the right things. by then, its too late. we're all too spoon fed and just complacent.

complacent does not not only mean to think highly of oneself. but it also means to look down on others.
during training, everyone wants to outshine each other. only the few knows the defination of 'teamwork'.
think about it, s. do we trust our j and willingly go all out to help each other to improve together as a team? i guess not. i'm not everyone ok. some.




so after WTL. i had my rehearsals.
was ok. music was f up. i wanted to just give up. i couldn't do music right. for once, i felt i couldn't link with music. perhaps my heart was too heavy laden with all the shit that's happening altogether.


maybe i should just give up everything, quit sch, and go full time into music. ok. that's just being rash and stupid.


everthings just wrong. after the rehearsal, supposed to go and support this other dance friend in a graduation concert. but then, promised my mum for dinner. so i magnanimously gave it up just to meet her for dinner. and even b4 dinner, we qurrelled.
i think i was at fault. coz all kids are wrong to talk back to parents. right.
so yes, i'm wrong. had a difficult time at dinner with just the both of us.


even my current family situation sucks without dad. sis has her new house and husband, so its like, just mom and i. i freakin want dad back. i HATE this incomplete family. everytime it just screws up. i can't seem to be strong anymore.
fffffffff. dad, come back pls. if i could just f-ing turn back time and make the stupid ambulance drive to SGH instead of f-up CGH. would things be bettter?


and then. when it comes to you. its been years since we've literally went seperate ways. i've tried to seek some time from you to talk about it. to just settle it and not leave me hanging like that.
i've plucked up seemless courage to write to you, phrasing each and every sentence so that u'd not think that i want more than just a friendship.


but, you just plain ignored it.
so. i've given up trying to seek some form for clarification from you, instead, i want to forget you. and u just would get out of my head. it has now turn to a big hatred to all the other population of your gender. adn honestly, day by day, ur image i my head never seem to slit my heart each time.
f-ing pain, now that accumulated salt has been added to the wound.

why i'm mentioning you at this point of time is beacause u've left me with a big hole. deep. dark. pit. u were once part of me and i could freaking trust u. i had a friend to talk to. about my joys. about my sorrows.
now, when i really wanted someone to talk to,my honest heart just could not find any person that i could fully trust and rely on. i even had to scroll down my phonebook to see who i could call. and all you ppl out there, none.
it just me ok. i'm just being pathetic and act as if i can carry all the shit alone. let it be. i'll just keep working on that. i know who i can trust and who i can't. looks like i can't trust the world, yes? i could do it once. but just like dengue, a repeative one would then kill.

all i could do was to leave myself stranded, and cry my lungs out to have a big wash away of all the shit, empty the bottle and leave it to be filled again.




and the cycle repeats it's damned self.





i'm seriously confused.
i've lost all confidence in doing anythin right.
i dont know whats right whats wrong.
i've lost that black veil, that happy mask.
i've lost the judgement that i have on situations.
i cant seem to make the right decisions anymore.
i cant trust myself, neither can i let anyone trust me already.
i cant open up myself.
i cant just talk it out.
i cant seek help.
i dont know how to adjust my expectations.
i dont know who i am any more.
i dont like friends anymore.
i hate people, but i do love God's creation.
i just want a crazy car to bang me down when i'm crossing with road with the green man on, so that i can be put to hibernation for a moment, or, forever.
i wouldn't want to end it myself coz its the dumbest thing to do and God would't like it.

all i know is that i'm just lost. God is waiting for me to just turn to Him. but i can't seem to just go just as i am. now i lack the faith. i lack everything.




i'm just wallowing myself up in self-pity and zero hope. i'm sorry for the vulgurites. i'm not one who'd sprout colourful words. but recently, its only this year that i'm beginning to be so uncouth. i guess i've lost myself totally.








maybe i should shut out myself for awhile. i'll stop bloggin if i'm going to post things up like that. it's not gg to help anyone here. probably just helping myself at least i know that i'm being heard althoung not resolved.

i started this blog in sec 2, with a clear mind that i want to share my experiences with the world, hoping that ppl can at least learn a thing or two from my perspective of things and how i manage things as well as my adventures. but if i'm gg to continue being nua like that and all the shit, i should just stop. like how Rihana's song- 'Shut up and drive...'. yea.

Serenade

Can I Have This Dance
Zac Efron & Vanessa Hudgens

[Gabriella]
Take my hand, take a breath
Pull me close and take one step
Keep your eyes locked on mine,
And let the music be your guide.

[Troy, Gabriella]
Won't you promise me (now won't you promise me, that you'll never forget)
We'll keep dancing (to keep dancing) wherever we go next

(chorus)
It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance

[Troy]
Take my hand, I'll take the lead
And every turn will be safe with me
Don't be afraid, afraid to fall
You know I'll catch you threw it all

[Troy, Gabriella]
And you can't keep us apart (even a thousand miles, can't keep us apart)
'Cause my heart is (cause my heart is) wherever you are

(chorus)
It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance

[Gabriella And Troy]
Oh no mountains too high enough, oceans too wide
'Cause together or not, our dance won't stop
Let it rain, let it pour
What we have is worth fighting for
You know I believe, that we were meant to be

(chorus)
It's like catching lightning the chances of finding someone like you (like you)
It's one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do (way we do)
And with every step together, we just keep on getting better
So can I have this dance (can I have this dance)
Can I have this dance

Can I have this dance
Can I have this dance








i'm in the office listening to this while keying in data entry. ahhaahs.
hahas. so into the music of the HSM3. this song is like. awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
lala land pls.

on it.

i dont trust myself
ppl dont trust me
how can ppl trust me
if i dont trust myself.


sometimes, i always feel that at the wrong place, at the wrong time.
i've killed all my opportunities.
sometimes, i'm so sure that i'm not at fault, but, it'll turn out to be.
it takes 2 hands to clap right. but i'm always the left one, the seemingly more inadequate one.


i dont like ppl who chooses ppl to play with.
i dont like ppl who put 'i' in the word 'team'.


we cant do it individually,
we have to do it together.
so lets all discipline ourselves and do what we need to do pls.
urgency pls.


ok. i'm jus sensitve today. PMS. Poon Marian Syndrome. hah.
but seriously, i want it real bad. its my last. and i have to finish this race knowing that i've given my best. not like know...
mentally defeated so early.
more like self destruct.








bummmmer.
u know the vertical marathon coming up next wk?
i haven't train since i last climbed my flight of stairs.
feel so nua.
feel so lazy and like... NUA.
ok la i've really got no time.


3 wks more till NO SIP. whooots. (:









hahhahas. share with you 2 songs from High School Musical
kinda sums it up. HAHAHS. yea. high school musical. hahahaahs.


Bet On It - Zac Efron
Everybody's always talking at me
Everybody's trying to get in my head
I wanna listen to my own heart talking
I need to count on myself instead

Chorus:
Did you ever?
Zac: Loose yourself to get what you want
Chorus:
Did you ever?
Zac: Get on a ride and wanna get off
Did you ever?
Zac: Push away the ones you should've held close
Did you ever let go?
Did you ever not know?

I'm not gonna stop, that's who I am
I'll give it all I got, that is my plan
Will I find what I lost?
You know you can
Bet on it, bet on it
Bet on it, bet on it
(Bet on me)
I wanna make it right, that is the way
To turn my life around, today is the day
Am I the type of guy who means what I say?
Bet on it, bet on it
Bet on it, bet on it

How will I know if there's a path worth taking?
Should I question every move I make?
With all I’ve lost my heart is breaking
I don't wanna make the same mistake

Chorus:
Did you ever?
Zac: Doubt your dream will ever come true
Did you ever?
Zac: Blame the world and never blame you
I will never
Zac: Try to live a lie again
I don't wanna win this game if I can't play it my way

I'm not gonna stop, that's who I am (Who I am)
I'll give it all I got, that is my plan (That's my plan)
Will I find what I lost?
You know you can (You know you can)
Bet on it, bet on it
Bet on it, bet on it
Bet on me

I wanna make it right, that is the way
To turn my life around, today is the day
Am I the type of guy who means what I say
Bet on it, bet on it
Bet on it, bet on it

Oh,Hold up
Give me room to think
Bring it on down
Gotta work on my swing
Gotta do my own thing
Hold up

It's no good at all
To see yourself and not recognize your face
Out on my own, it's such a scary place

The answers are all inside of me
All I gotta do is believe

I'm not gonna stop
Not gonna stop 'til I get my shot
That's who I am, that is my plan
Will I end up on top?
You can bet on it, bet on it
Bet on it, bet on it
You can bet on it, bet on it
Bet on it, bet on it

I wanna make it right, that is the way
To turn my life around, today is the day
Am I the type of guy who means what I say
Bet on it, bet on it
Bet on it, bet on it

You can bet on me



Scream - Zac Efron
The day door is closed,
The echo's fill your soul.
They wont say which way to go,
Just trust your heart.

To find what you're here for,
Open another door.
I'm not sure anymore.
It's just so hard.

The voices in my head,
Tell me they know best!
Got me on the edge,
they're pushin', pushin',
they're pushin'

I know they got a plan,
While the balls in my hands!
This time its man-to-man,
I'm droppin', fightin', its time too.

Whole worlds upside down,
What do I do now? Cause I choke!

I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. So bad I'm gonna Scream!
I can't choose, so confused! What's it all mean?
I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

I'm kickin' down the walls.
I gotta make 'em fall!
Just break through them all!
I'm pushin', crashin', I'm gonna
Fight to find myself,
Me and no one else!
Which way I get down, pushin',
Searchin', can't find a
Road that I should take,
I should, tomorrow left us!
Like nothing works without you!

I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. So bad I'm gonna Scream!
I can't choose, so confused! What's it all mean?
I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

Yeah we're cooks, running down,
hear the crowd gettin' loud!
I'm consumed by the sound!
Is it hurt? Is it love?
Has it ever been enough?
Gotta work it out, gotta work it out!
You can do it, you can do it!

I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. So bad I'm gonna Scream!
I can't choose, so confused! What's it all mean?
I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. I want my own thing!
I can't choose, so confused! What's it all mean?
I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

Ohh! Ahh!!!!

tyco-ed.

i'm ok with her again.
i just can't communicate when it comes to work.


ANYWAY.


thank God for being cooolios max.
i was searching for like drivers for like can rent 2 hours kind.- for work.
taxi rates as per charge are like $75-ish / hr. its like KILLER. so i was really like stuck. i'm known for being resourceful k. then now like, stuck. hahas.

then then. today, coz my task was to deliver goods to TANGS. so i took cab back and forth. oh yea, I SAW ESTEE TODAY! (: royston was there as well. they having their internship there. hahahs. (((: felt happy to see estee during office hours, having to miss the grp dinner last night.

so back to the point,
on the way back, i decided to take a cab from lucky plaza taxi stand so that i can like walk pass some gadget shops to have a quick peek at what's in the market for cameras now and stuff.


so i queued. then then.. it was my turn to board the cab, i realised that the cab was not the usual common cab. it was slightly bigger, close to a maxi cab but slightly smaller. i turned and looked at the boot, it was big enough to put all my goods that to send in the next 2 wks. (:
(okok...here comes the part...) so i asked the driver if he was able to do like hourly services. he said... CAN!!! and he was also looking for such business. he was charging at a rate of $20/hr or $25 for peak period. WHOOOOOOTS. and he was reallyl friendly. he said no problem and he'll like help to carry the goods if i needed help and all. he didn't even mind the ERP charges can. i'm so gg to help him promote his services.


i'm sure, his kind of services are in demand at such a rate. haha. if i book him for 1hr during peak period to drive me from office to sch, the charge would actually be lower. coz if i take cab from town to sch during peak period, it can hit $26. ahahhahs!


anyway. really thank God. i could have walked like 1 step slower and missed this opportunity. at that pt of time, the queue was pouring in.





so today was the first of the trng.
I realised that i love such trngs. as in like. i found it very detailed. and more than usual. ahha.

cant wait for thurs.

send.

she asked me to send stuff to ck tangs today.

she didn't say to courier or to personally go down.

so when i asked her through sms when she was in a meeting, she was like.. 'didn't you read the email.....'. then mail wrote smth like....

'Can you send the BA Potty XXXX samples to C.K.Tangs for their photo shoot next week. Kindly attention to Buyer xxxxx, address: xxxxxxxxxxxxx'


"i'm not your PA you know." -she

maybe i'm stupid coz i DIDN'T expect the word 'attention to' means courier.
but when in doubt, aren't i suppose to ASK rather then do with false assumptions???? so when i do ask, sarcasm comes in.



so now, there's another set of goods that i'm supposed to send there. courier or personally go down? i want to clarify. but if i do, i'll probably get shoot down again. so i just smsed her and no reply. i cant go for lunch if she dont reply right. later i go, w/o knowing that i have to send to Tangs by today, sure kenna shoot again.


i'd really be appreciative if you're more clear about your instructions and kind with your remarks and stop saying stuff that makes me feel that i'm doing everything wrongly. so what if i'm an intern. i may not know the 'right' way of doing things, thats why i need u to tell me and dont just tell me for the sake of telling. explain. if you find it troublesome to explain clearly, then the things i do will not be of what you expect right. and when that happens, dont give me sarcasm when i try and clarify with you.




anyway. next wk, i'm gonna be the delivery man. (: out of the office.
but its really cartons and bags of things. one person... to like all the toys r' us stores in sg. maybe like.. there's jurong pt and tampines and so on. i'm getting gabriel to help to send all in one day i guess.. coz its like.. for one store, its about 4 heavy bags and one carton. i can't possibly carry all there alone. what more... to many other stores. she gave me 2 wks to do this. but i'll probably try and finish up in one day so that its more convenient.

Food For Thought

great place.
great ppl.

somewhere behind bugis. GO. ladies night on mon and tues.... spend $12 and above each to get a free brownie and icecream which is gooooood.


Feel really really tired on Mondays. 20 over more days. I’m so gg to celebrate on the 28nov. whoooooots. Tmr’s only Tuesday and I’m like tired. Come on.

useful.

felt really useful in church today.

i realised that there's alot of areas in the church that i'm serving right now. infact, alot. and every.

its been a month since each wk, there's someone who comes up to me to seek help in terms of photography / graphic/ art / dance/ music and so on. i'm honoured that ppl think highly of me in such aspects luh.

i always have to ask this question, am i able to commit to this task. hard to reject, but i will know where my dotted line is. which is, by the grace of God, good.


sometimes, i feel so inadequate. jack of all trades, master of none. i dun intend to be a high master in anything, but, saying that, i do want to do my best and be good in the things that i'm doing. ahahs. who doesn't.

ok. i sound contradictory.


do you know that i've turn down quite alot of photoshoots of like weddings / ROM/ functions? and i do have time actually for some of them. its because, i'm not confident. (damn. wasted income opportuinty man.) actually, i know why. its because up till this date, I DO NOT OWN A FLASH. and i think i need one like seriously if i want to do the job properly. indoor functions are a big no no w/o fash. weddings, all the more must have the flash standby.


you miss it, you miss the lifetime shot.
even if the client is magnanimous enough, i wouldn't really forgive myself right.





anyway.


haha. i had like dance with uncle hanmeng and georgia today. uncle hanmeng is a PRO. i'm dead serious. he's really really really good. he went into professional dancing a few yrs back and he's still good at it. hahas. for now, its me and georgia and he'll cheorograph. there's this part that its like a duet-partner thing and georgia is supposed to lead me. so uncle hanmeng demo with me first kinda thing... damn cool. as in like.. u know in ballroom dancing, they always say the guys lead the girls into the dance. and i dont quite understand that whole bit. so today, it was something like that but ballet. boy, when uncle hanmeng led, it really felt that he was leading. ahah! i duno how to explain, but its cool. the weight transfer gotta be precise and the guy has to understand the girl part to execute the support thing well.. cooool. so when georgia took over, the feeling was different and i fell qutie a no. of times coz she's still learning.. ahha. not easy pls. ahhas.

but was fun. and way too unglam for any viewership. haha.
not looking forward already. ahhahahahs.


i think my whole ballet phase is moving up fast. abit hard to face it that i'm serious into it after doing it for like 15 yrs. hahas. but i still think that the alley and maybe the field (in the future. hahas) is still by stage for now. probably its just that recital's coming and i'm dancing like 3 times a wk. maybe even 4.

come to think of it, thank God that POL-ITE for bowling ended early, so that i can focus. hahas. gd and bad, but i think God for being such an awesome planner.


anyways.



-


i feel that God is trying to tell me smth. but i'm just not still enough to listen.
its like. i should never give up giving my best. coz i enjoy it and ultimately, the things u do that help ppl bless them as well. as in like, they feel happy, i happy lor. hahas. cheh cheh. but ya la.




had a quick chat with this friend in a car today. realised that everyhing the the tny ministry is.... unsettled? you can call it.. 'in the progress'. but i feel, i feel, i strongly feel, this whole ministry, more like the comm... gotta re-think certain areas again. i'm not saying that its not wisely planned, but i think there are areas that probably, might have been left out, not overlooked.


coz i heard there's this 7 ministries thing. at first, abit happy coz like wow- new stuff more activtiy oriented. but then after i heard that the church body, have other similar ministries being set up.. its like.. whookay.
not convenient to go into the details here. but i'm afraid that the y ministry will be seperated from the church body as a whole. 'community' is one of our mission/goals/values (somewhere along that line) also right. that's y we've never had a youth serivce which would just break us away.


thats my 2 cents worth. i dun hear the details of the rationale, but its a fact that several ministries are gonna kick start. b4 making recommendations, i think it'll be good to consider the constrains of other party. if not, its really selfish not showing much understanding?

maybe i'm just worried for the ministry. what he said was right, everyone of us are in no position to question why would someone leave a ministry, what more, leave a church. we are in no position to make them come back with a heart that's unwilling. but what's more impt, look at what makes them stay. its not really the activities or things that cater to their interest, because they can do them elsewhere. but, its really about the relationships built. cannot agree more to that.

and i think, in my opinion, we're just too caught up with the fanciful stuff in church to actually spend time with those that are not involved. through cell, sometimes, i feel that its not enough if its a hi-bye thing.


for now, i just feel that the more alarming thing is the teens. to close teens time for youth ground work is... erm... leaving a gap.
by the time the ground and foundation is built, we may have missed a generation. we may think we have time, but we may not have the luxury of it.. i really pray and hope that all these is done in God's accordance and not because leaders think that this is the 'right' way to do it. to manage such thing, in my opinion from experiences, ther's really no right/wrong way to do it. things should be done in a way that pleases God. thats it.

i havent really prayed and ask Him about guidance to it though. haha. so this is just my pure human concerns coz to me, it is logical.



we need to pray.
to pray for hearts that are urgent.
and, hearts to be open.


i dont want to see a gap in this generation.
i myself fall into that. i do have my struggles that i'm not exactly facing it in the most wise way because the rope seems to hang on to me.


if any comm members (which i hope in a sincere heart) should read this and needs clarification, do come and find me. i'll be more than happy to voice out my opinions even if its not how u'd like it to see it as.



i duno.
we just need to be still first before anything can happen.

pollypockets

haha. was better than we expected.

instead of a 14-0. it was a 4-0. (:

i think, marian should do more.
this is like, a stagnant frog in a well.
haha.


-

i love my SIP LO. she's very nice.
she says things that make alot of sense and just makes me feel more encoruaged.
(: i will press on far and wide. even if the whole company hates me, i'll just do what i need to do. hard to bring up a smile, but i'll still do it nicely.




abit tired. mentally.
dance was hard ok. we're like half the song and its on in the first wk of december. alot of brushing up to do.

both the tap items are completed. (: just more style and more 'into' the mood. ahhas. the first tap item is called 'Audition' . music: from the musical thingy called 42nd street. damn fast and leaves u feeling that u're damn week and u need to go run 2.4k under 10mins kinda feeling. ahhahhas. black and white, 1970s. and its IMMEDIATELY after my ballet item.

must train to quick change in 20sec. this includes untieing my double knotted 2 sides pointe shoes, wearing tap shoes and tieing time. change earings. clothes. pants. and hair style if possible. ahahhhaahaha. there will be like 3-4 ppl working on you. they just pluck the earrings off and shooove in the item one.

haha. i feel like lewis hamiliton. ahhas. but i have 20sec thereabout. ahhahs.

ballet's not easy. my first pointe item. to a very arty farty dance that's full of energy speed and precision. seriously. feels like in laselle doing a final year project. cheers to ms shanti. hahas.

and the 2nd tap item, which is the 2nd last item on the night is whoooots.
using 'teach me how to dance' soundtrack. its like hot-sexy kinda thing. AHHAH. can't imagine me right right. lots of cleaning up to do. still not as stylish as ms susan expects. ahhahs.


oh well. really looking forward. 4 more wks. ahhas. nervous but more excited than nervous for now. hahas.


-

next.


after all that, went to church. was nice that the whole grp of girls sat and just talk. its been years since we've done that. hahaha. christopher rocks. right right.


i think the whole ministry is caught up with things that dont matter. after all, God wants things that are from the heart. in my perspective, it seems that we're driven by ppl's wants and expectations.
last time, when there's like coffeeshop nite, no auditions. just snip shot rehearsals and sound checks like 5hrs b4 or so. no pressure. just tons of laughter.

and in the end, it turns out hilarious coz its like.. skits are done on the spot and all. haha.
i still rmbr the ah-beng-ish-look-alikes sec sch boys who did the song QING TIAN. ahhahahahs.


as the year progress, there's like.. publicty team. event organiser and so on. i feel, really not needed.


then like. the whole y ministry is like in this committe whereby they have like countless meetings. sometimes, meetings takes away sunday outing times. and its like... we're doing all this in the name of expanding God's kindgom. but then, sundays are just used up for such meetings, at the expense of going out with the people. does it make sense?


in the past, the church had like 2 gates. the side and the main. 2 main locks. thats it. now, there's like doors everywhere. locks everywhere. to lock the church up, aunty violet takes like about 30mins or so. its like. really. WHATS THE POINT MAN. i mean like, yea la. security and so on. but i think in a way, these affects the eeverything about being in a church that's supposed to be called home. or like, a place that gives u a warmth feeling.

it used to be like that last time.


i guess, not only should the church grow in numbers, but more imptly, the quality of ppl. the heart of the ppl. it shouldn't be task led, but God headed. right now, i just feel that ppl are not weary because of serving God with a sincere heart, but at the worldly things that are needed to meet people's expectations. i am no one to judge, but i am guilty that sometimes, i do things to please human, rather than askign God if He's like happy with what i'm doin.


we grow old.
people change.
hearts change.
desire change.



i dunno.
i've nv felt so unsure about my predictions.
i'm usually sure, and right about it. this time, its not exactly a comforting feeling. hmmm...


-





oh yea. i did something very tak glam. i was sending this email to sportsclub president and advior, supposedly attaching the draft layout of the notice board. then, because i was blogging at the same time (3days ago), i sent them a pic of zac efron. the one i posted on my blog. EEHHHHWWS. haha. but gd idea ar.
sure bring in big loads of publicity. HAHAs. join BASKETBALL. WAHOAOOAOOAHSHHA.



k. getting high now. gd night

the things.

had a little misunderstanding in the office with her again.
but honestly, i'm just left with 28 days. so heck it. i wont pass with commendation like that already.

i sent my 30d for repair already. haiz. no more warranty. ):


tmr. i have like 6 or issit 7 things listed.


- 9am: SIP on campus.
- 12pm-ish: tny camp mtng. (cant go)
- 310pm: WTL game at turf city
- 4pm: tap. getting the stuff ! whoots.
- 530pm: the music. ahhas.
- 6pm: ballet. till 8pm!
- 645pm: church netball trng. (not going.)
- 6pm: church soccer league boys thanksgiving BBQ. will go after dance.

ok. yes.


and sunday.
even better.

- 9am: shoot for the tny camp publicity video clip
- 930am (its 9am actually): playing guit for chinese service.
- 12pm: continue with the shoot. and probably discuss about tny camp publicity meeting.
- then meet seok li with regards to CBC video photos.
- then is e 1st CBC dance mtng with han meng and georgia!

- after that, i hope i have time to jam. i miss hearing nigel and paul's breathless squeals with the unsound guitars. oh man.





i'm not exactly tired. just... breathless?


physically, also breathless. last 2 wks ago, i think it was during nebo touch. after subbing out, my heart pain sia. i got damn scared. but nv go think about it. i seriously think my lungs and heart got some prob. its not that i'm being sensitive. coz its like... many times, things happen. like when i'm running, its not the right breathless that i would be feeling. i hope nothings going to happen k. coz there's still tons of things that i want to do b4 i grow older.

i need to improve my 10k timing. or rather, slower my pace? i cant seem to run slower and sustain it. really reflects myself- focusing too much on the finishing and forgetting about the little steps that take you there.
ok. i hope the swissotel marathon will be a wake up call for me.


i want my black kona blast. NOW.
it has two wheels, 1 handle bar, disc brakes and a super cool frame.
if you see it, pass it to me. thank you.



hmmm...


haha. randomly.
i realised, i've left with like less than 11mths to join all kinds of U-20 competitions / get nice free U-20 promotional offers. ahahs. tsk tsk.




btw. anyone know the title of the song that was played when the sound of the gun fired to kick start the race for the GE women's 10k and the Nike Human Race?





i'm not sure if this is considered as drowning myself,
as i'm enjoying what i'm supposed to be doing.
and when you're not in my sight for a long time,
i thought it was finally all good.
but then when i caught sight of you once again,
it seemed like i was just behind the same black veil.
still thinking that i've successfully gotten out of the pit,
i'm just confused if i'm lying with with myself.
ugh.
get out get out get out.
stop harrassing my inner me.



haha. emo sh*t





eh. my ipod's screwed.
w/o music walking, jia lat pls.