one of the rare days that i needa blog out so many posts.
if you can't take it, then don't read it since its public space right.
however, i'm locking this up coz i realize that its been too long that my words are consistently encircling around 2 people who have hurt me the most.
1 of them have kept his distant out and far despite my desperate pleas to salvage the friendship back. we're once best friend who turned lovers and then it all became a silent movie. i'm really very sad to have lost such a good brother in my life, and do want this friendship back so much in which we both enjoy nothing more.
the 2nd one, a special friend and mentor who constantly like to hurt me. special because he is really special to me. though i do love him alot and long for his companionship as friends, i find it too hard to just embrace the whole thing because we both have very different levels of expectation for this friendship. each time i be honest, i get shot back at. and when i start to hold back some horses, i still get a double shot. we really enjoy each other's company alot, but everything just seems so difficult because of our different ideologies. despite all the differences, its interesting and nice that we can hit off so well.
we've quarreled like lovers. we've recovered fast. but if i can recall, these last 2 ones are probably the breaking point. i just dont get how and why we've landed up at this stage. are we thinking too much?
are we expecting too much? are we depending too much? instead of 'we', have we pushed all the accusations to each other's side. i'm probably guilty of that too. no doubt we understand each other so much, perhaps its just too much for us to take; ok, too much for me to take since i'm not ready to commit anymore other issues in my life.
well, at least now that u've really pushed me to an edge, i needa reflect upon myself. i should probably be glad and thankful that i'm now at this step, at least i dont abuse this blog space.
you know today, i've had many many thoughts of literally drowning myself, in water, in alcohol, in perspiration. not to kill myself, but just to physically push myself to struggle with the physical nature and probably force out a wake up call with the literally physical struggle. but i dont think its worth it as it is not going to change anything.
perhaps social media has been a big part of it all. with you and your evaluation skills, u're really probably reading too much into it since after all, i'm still a girl who whines out w/o holding back at times.
i'm still really sad, and to a point that my heart is physically aching.
i'm at the verge of crying and breaking down but for some reason, that pride is holding that tears back. i've got not many people to talk about this since u want this privacy.
and since u're not a fellow believer in Christ, i find it hard to explain certain things to you. perhaps all this while, this is the reason just that we both have subconsciously chosen to ignore it.
anyway, i know this space wont be locked forever and eventually, this post will shed light. honestly, there's nothing to hide just that i do want to respect you in ways that i can manage for now.
perhaps when the time is ripe, when i unlock the blog, and perhaps if you're still reading this space, we'll all look back at this post and realize how blind we are to the many other things.
u know, now that i'm in this mode of no-one's-gonna-read-this, i feel more relaxed to some extend... its like... taking a step back. and probably if the both of us could just take a step back, we can still enjoy each other's company after all. but for now, i guess both of us are unable to let go of all the unnoticed baggages.
i guess this is how i should be blogging again and not blog with fear of who's gonna read this / if my msg is gg to get across etc..
and in all things, i want to thank God and honour Him for what he has done. already such little issues, we're struggling to keep up on the surface of the water. imagine what Jesus has to go through when He came down as man. he didnt have fb/twitter/blogger/tumblr to be angst all about, all He could do was to be patience and have faith. WWJD indeed.
i pray that God will mend my heart and keep it safe.
i will trust and obey for He is good and its only His love that dwells forever.
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