on course

feeling damn shitty now.

these 2 days should supposedly be better because i'm on a HF refresher course. not so much because i'm on course and away from work, but because the course is held at TAD, siaec's trng facility. great facility. saw the facility and really cool that they've got almost everything for trng. good library with all my fav books as well. a pity that not many people appreciate/use the library to the maximum.

anyway, able to blog now coz we're done with the course for the day and the rest of us from the same company are doing our office work in the facility, hijacking each other's mobile tethering. it's quite a nice setting coz its like a group discussion kinda thing.

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i just want to say, you've made me feel so worthless. 

maybe its more like, you've reminded me how self-centered i am. and in saying so, i'm probably putting myself in a state of wallowing up myself in self-pity. well u're right, coz i'm just so broken again by you and i dont know what to do now. 

i dont really know what's love all about now.

each time i try one step, it just hits me back like a strong wave. i cant even stand back up. before i can even start stumbling back up to my 2 feet, another wave come and hit me. 

you keep saying its about my obstructive strength, resilience, stubbornness and to delete you off my contact list. i would if i could during that 6 months ago. 

i dont even know if i'm angry now. its not like i'm tired of it or what but everything feels so broken to even find its bearings. i dont even know what i'm thinking right now. but thanks for assuring me that i'm not ready for anything, not ready to give up my selfish life for others, not willing to cast my pride away for love and comittment. well, thank you. that was probably with a bit of sarcasm, but with deniable truths as the majority.

and really, i'm not being defensive, but i'm just clueless to all those mean words being fired back at me, again. ok, not clueless, but just disappointed- not with you, but successfully, in me.

thanks for the reminder of who i really am. 

honestly at this point of time, i dont exactly know what you see in me anyone. since u hate me so much, y not just let it go. ok, i'm sorry, that was supposed to be for me. i'll try even harder to let you go. sorry to have wasted your time. as i cant be who you want me to be, i can't and shouldn't expect you to be who i want you to be. i guess i should learn to give up friendships, not just because they can be this painful, but they can be too good to be true. 

i hope this is a good lesson for me, thanks for waking up my ideas.

all i wanted to do was to share with you a supposedly good day i'm having or the what i'm doing now and redundant stuff like that. but whatever.

and i really hate myself .again to highlight, i'm not into wallowing up myself in self-pity, but i just need to be heard, otherwise i can just go crazy and do crazy things that i shouldn't be doing. that's how i am and you can probably try to respect that. not forcing you to. 

i'm probably built to be alone and help others. that's it. no committment and no responsibilities that i can't carry.

quite sure u're going to read this, and i dont care.

you read you respond you get unhappy. if you can tell me to delete off your number, i can tell you to forget this space and leave me alone. and yes by now, i'm truly sorry and apologetic that i called you out for serious help.80% was about the bike. 20% is coz i miss you which shouldn't even be part of the equation. i should have waited out the night for some fellow rider to help me with my bike rather than turning to you for support. for that, my bad. sorry for using you when i'm not allowed to / not willing to bear the consequences and carry the weight. may you forgive me, forget me and just rmbr me as that girl on OJT, who's really interested in aviation, period. 

and to whoever else may be reading this space, pls dont say nice things to me to comfort me. its not going to change things anyway. you're just saying nice things to elevate the problem to make me feel better which will come back again. it  gives me all falsification of hopes. i dont deserve good coz i dont thrive in them. like what you've said to me, i thrive in such circumstances coz it builds me - i should learn to acknowledge that. 

i never should be happy. coz u're giving that height to fall. life should all be at a constant. no ups. no downs. boring, safe, and how itshouldbe.

so yes. 

still not sure of what am i supposed to do w/o you now. 

i dont know what i'm saying since i'm never really with you anyway. its like trying to break way from a vantage point that u can't really see or know if it really exist. 

i hope i can get out of this pitch u've always so successfully put me in.

i dun evern dare say those 3 heartfelt words to you right now for i dont know what it all means anymore.
confusingly painful.

whatever it is, i hope you're not reading this while u're at work coz i still want you to stay safe and be focused. i know you will anyway.  dun want anything to happen to you or to others. 

So I guess this is y ppl say focus on ur work/ studies, dont go into relationships if u cant manage. I never believed that, even when I had my first break up until... today. Idk if its coz of the growing up process,  or the increase in workload/responsibilities, or just me deterioting in my priorities and capabilities, but this is one lesson that I should take note of. And remember that.

may the God i believe in continue to guide me and walk with me. may He touch your heart one day as much as your stubbornness is against it. 

may i know my place, stay there, never to be in your way again.