will u?

Will u call upon me when u need me just like how I would when I needed to?

Maybe u wont coz I've made you walk away, and away.

Hence,  I should know my place just like how you think you know yours.


We're all people.

My heart just jumped out of my stomach

Omg omg omg. I just saw u stepping out of the car.
And and and my collegue who also know you wanted to u-turn and say hi and I freaked out by saying nooooooo and that we needed to head back asap/urgently.
He was like hazard light on and all ready to u-turn alrdy man.

Wah lau.

Saw this on instagram and it reminded me of the conversation we once had when i was still in school.

Maybe I'm really the one who's at fault. I mean I dun think this is an issue where we can really put a finger on the cause, but i think to some point, my desperation for you made me make unnecessary decisions to begin with.

Blogging through my phone now. Taking a break from the reports. #notskivingok.


Idk if its a cold war we're having (again) in which we're giving each other time and space, but when I felt that I needed u badly ytd and the day before and then u msged me just 2 words to wish me good night, I could sleep better.

These 2 days at work is killer and I will explain again in my next post when i get home. I really needed ur care, concern and support in which i dont deserve.


Anyways, this picture / writeup is a good reminder and a reflection for myself. At the end of the day, the definition of love is probably clouded by so many attempted rationales,  but by it all, nothing must actually come to a logical rationale since its all about love right.


Ok..times up. May I be focused for the rest of the day; at work or at trng, shall i not think of you. You are really a distraction and its making me so emotionally unstable. Hope that u're focused at work as well and be safe. I will promise not to use you as my heart desires and will respect you and myself. This is something in which I must really honour it.




Love you.
(In ways u and I cant find peace in)

How

I hate myself






So much that I cant believe that u can love me.

the Pull Over

i just think its amazing how we can quarrel the shit out of each other and today, we seem fine.

before i go into that, just wanna share about my work day today.
hahas. its not like any other work day coz.... i slackkkedd. totally felt guilty towards the company coz they totally wasted their mhrs pay to me today. hahas. ok, i will work harder.
i mean i could slack also because i'm still waiting for some plans to be done before i can work on the study and proposal. and for the record, there was no meetings, scheduled/unscheduled today. but of course, i had other things to do as well, but instead, i spent the whole morning doing up my resume. an updated one that can be more up-dateable all because to apply for the SilkAir Engineer position.


actually, i dont think its a good idea after all. coz if i rmbr correctly, silkair engineers dont sign off their planes.. its siaec laes. so guess the engineers are probably cabin engineers / technical svc engineers and stuff like that. anyway, just apply. haha. see how it goes. they've got their ad up on jobstreet and on the newspapers. and in jobstreet, they do tell you how many applicants are there. the ad was posted on 20th Feb... and as of 3pm... it was like 200 applicants. these are exclusive of those who applied via emails from their newspaper ads and stuff like that. pity the HR gotta sieve through so many CVs. that's when marketing comes into place - how do you make ur CV stand out.

anyways. the pullovers.
i would also refer them to the current issues in my life that has taken on extreme changes.


#pullover1
i called up the airforce today to enquire abt the validity of my compass test. its valid till 6th apr. its bad news coz as of today, should i be called for interview and all other medical test and so on, the test would expire by then, so i would need to go through the whole grueling, mind-bogging 5 intense hrs of thinking. actaully its quite fun coz u really feel like u stretch ur brain to the maximum, to a point where u feel like u're freakin' saturated and stupid with 0 situational awareness when u walk out of the examination room. and idk if its a another piece good/bad news.. but previously, my test does not qualify me for C3.. instead, i'm up for WSO and UAV. ok, UAV is totally out coz i have 0.1 interest for unmanned planes. i mean i like planes / aviation for that one big difference they've made to human transportation and capabilities.... and for WSO.. hmm. it'll be interesting coz i'd be learning how to fly. i dont think i wanna kill anything. ahhas. but i dont mind manning the systems from behind, or do the calculations. aiya, alll these are theory. but it'll be good learning grounds for me to learn more about flying which will help alot in the engineering of the plane in the future. and who knows, maybe next time i can be likka plane researcher or smth.... or even my secret dream of joining the NTSB for aircrash investigations.



#pullover2
all of a sudden, one of my collegue had a brilliant idea in helping me achieve my trainee lae goal. he msged person XXXXXXX who is bigger than person YYYYYY. all the while, i've been (bhb-ly) seekking out for help from the AMs GMs SMs and even ex-VPs. hahas. thickskin. but desperate times call for desperate measures. ahhas.
so anyways, gg straight to person XXXXXXX does increase my chances by a mile, even when the career website system has totally blocked all of my stubborn future application to that 1 position. whahahs. yep.
i guess i will not get my hopes high and will still proceed on with my backup plans. if i get it, is a bonus. if i dont, then too bad... God will open a better window for me, with my faith speaking out loud now... nothing much to be very disappointed about coz i think i might have surpass that stage.



#pullover3
u know how i'm like still desperately trying to get out of this system of meeting clients, big bossess, making proposals that's so tough to push through all the clutter and stuff right... today, 2 guys from the airport ops side wanna pull me over.
i'm happy of course. coz its to deal with more of the operations... i.e, to deal with the current operational probs, seek out productive ways to make it effective, rather than trying to keep pushing for something which is so hard to achieve since our platform is not solid / firm enough. no need all those like RFQs PI PO Sideletters GTAs and all those hard core papers... where the official template is not even properly set. and whats more.. its about line maintenance, both the cabin and the technical ground aspects of it.
and happy of course my base will be at the airside and not so much in an office office setting. there would be more life to work now...  but all that can happen, if the 2 guys are able to persuade my GM. hahas. they are the AM and SM, and they make my life in the company more worthwhile, like seriously. but yea, they better do it sooooon. and i secretly pray that this switch is not only enough to excite my work life, but also, exciting enough to make me stay and do well coz really, this place is really the place to go. anyone who wants to look to work hard to expand the expanding company, pls come and find me, tyvm.



#pullover4
you lor. like how u're
hot then you're cold 
you're yes then you're no
you're in then you're out
you're up then you're down.
you're wrong when it's right
it's black and it's white
we fight, we break up
we kiss, we make up
you dont really wanna stay, no
you dont really wanna go-o

hot then you're cold 

you're yes then you're no

you're in then you're out

you're up then you're down.

hahas. even Katy Perry says so.

(bet you started singing it halfway through. ahhahs)

thank God i'm not you. if i was you, i'd have to be dealing with me, and dealing with me just... makes ur world insideoutupsidedown. honestly, when it comes to affairs of the heart, i just want to admit that i suck at it. been too broken. too afraid. too hard.

today i was just thinking about it, i guess i'm one of the common girls whom will never make peace with the demands and supplies... like how i always say how girls dont mean what they say... they ask for A, u give them A, they want B... and the cycle just goes on.

i realize i'm being like that.

so terrible, and its not that i want to. i tried to open myself up more and let you in, but the moment i do that, i regret. and when i dont, i whine and complain about myself for locking the door. actually its not a joking matter... but its something that i needed get it sorted out before i seriously hurt anyone else. 

i rmbr theres that one time when i desperately wanted to see you and u eventually came. though i didn't even hinted to you, you came right down to my block. u know, i was desperately fighting in my room with myself to not go down. its not about the ego, its not about the pride, but its really about the fear of what's coming / not coming. i can't even explain properly myself. i dont think i can deal with anything - be it moving forward or back. in the end, u left, and i was damn sad about it; though i deserved it, but i think u shouldnt really be treated that way. even as a friend, i should have respected your effort at least. 

its like, each time, i just want to be found by you. and when u eventually miraculously find me, (literal or not literally), i push you away. and when i do, i get upset, you get upset and then we both get upset. u probably get that unwanted push more than i try to understand how many times i've done so. 

so for that, i'm truly really sorry. but on the other hand as much as i need you for my selfish emotional support, i want you only as my special friend coz i really have no intention of taking it further. 

so pls try and understand that i'm still trying to adjust / deal and really manage it well. perhaps i may have the wrong actions that portray the wrong intentions, but rest assured, i still love you for who you are, just that i dont know how to explain it in a way in which u'll get it.

i know u'll never see me in a way i want you do, and i have understood, not to try and change that. i'll just see how i can manage this whole thing, but i do want to request that u'll give me time and patience, for i can be very impatience at times.

tonight, i wished that u're my pullover, to keep me warm, sheltered and rested. but i know i dont deserve it for i'm unable to bear the weight that's with it. you may not understand what my heart is trying to do here, neither do i.

probably this sounds all childish and unreasonable, but all i know is that you've got a very special place in my heart and i want you to be there, really only as my only special friend if you can find terms with it and accept that. but i do promise, that on my part, i'll try to understand more and take your hand hold them tight to walk with you through. 

i'm pretty sure that one day, we will be able to find that equilibrium. 

i can't lose you like that.

idk how apt this is, but i would like to share a song that i've been hearing over the radio...

and the title is....


Sleeping With A Friend By Neon Trees

All my friends, they’re different people
Anxious like the ocean in a storm
When we go out, yeah, we’re electric
Coursing through our bodies ’til we’re one

And why mess up a good thing, baby?
It’s a risk to even fall in love
So, when you give that look to me
I better look back carefully
‘Cause this is trouble, yeah this is trouble

I said ooh, ooh
You got me in the mood, mood
I’m scared
But if my heart’s gonna break before the night will end
I said, ooh, ooh we’re in danger
Sleeping with a friend, sleeping with a friend

All my friends, stay up past midnight
Looking for the thing to fill the void
I don’t go out much like I used to
Something ’bout the strangers and the noise

And why leave when I got you, baby?
It’s a risk but babe, I need the thrill
I never said you’d be easy
But if it was all up to me
I’d be no trouble, hey, we’re in trouble

I said ooh, ooh
You got me in the mood, mood
I’m scared
But if my heart’s gonna break before the night will end
I said, ooh, ooh we’re in danger
Sleeping with a friend, sleeping with a friend

We are both young, hot-blooded people
We don’t wanna die alone
Two become one, it could be lethal
Sleeping with a friend

All my friends
All my friends
All my friends
All my friends

I said ooh, ooh
You got me in the mood, mood
I’m scared
But if my heart’s gonna break before the night will end
I said, ooh, ooh we’re in danger
Sleeping with a friend

(All my friends) Sleeping with a friend
(All my friends)
If my heart’s gonna break before the night will end
I said, ooh, ooh we’re in danger
Sleeping with a friend

motivation

just as i was saying in the last post, i decided to look through all my comments...
thank you all kind readers and sorry to have disappointed you guys. your comments have been an encouragement.


i will pick myself up and stop being so anal about things. i will promise to look up and not dwell on things that should not matter at this point of time.
i should learn to love myself first before i can love others.



thank you once again, i will resume blogging normally soon. :'l

sick at heart

feeling pretty uncomfortable right now. not sure if there's a negative physical effect of being lovesick but i'm getting the feverish feeling. i know its not the common bodyaches-flu-cough kinda URTI common cold. i hate this.

i'm feeling very lonely now especially with so many friends that i've chosen to abandon.

everything is a choice.

i'm supposed to be doing up my resume today but i spent the whole day sleeping and resting from idkwhat.


are you going to be my remedy?
am i torturing you?
i feel useless, helpless and always in the way.


maybe i should just leave this place coz i can't take it.



no, not hurting myself coz God loves me. but i just need to runaway and get a breather.
i miss you so bad and i hate to miss anyone like that.

ok. tmr, monday. new day. new week.
i shall stop all my nonsense and start living proper. i shouldn't let anyone have such an effect on me.
its dangerous and not good.



f.o.r.g.e.t.y.o.u.

Runaway

I want to runaway.

do we really have the choices?

last night i dreamt of you. didn't expect that, again.
i dreamt that we're like together, living the life of a normal couple. we held hands, hanged out with my friends, decided where to go for dinner next, talked normally, everything was normal. it was so normal that i knew it was dream.

at this point of time, i'm really thinking, can we really live the rest of our lives together, and forever? how you dislike me for my flaws and how i can't overwrite yours with the overwhelming feelings that i have for you... what really matters?
you know when they say, 'love conquers everything', 'love is blind'... in our so called relationship, i dont think that's really happening. well, i shouldn't really expect that anyways since we're not in a relationship that we can really call one....... all because of me and my principles in which you detest.

but what i do know is that i'm really missing you these 2 days.
i want to lie down by your side, under the stars just to hear voice just speaking to me. i still wanna hold ur hand and see fireflies lighting up the dark night sky. i just want to grab hold of your arm again even if you dont want. its like, i gotta learn back all over again of how to not msg you even when i desperately feel like communicating with you, or like to hold back myself from thinking hard of how to find ur bike and go to it, just to feel your presence. it seems much more difficult this time round. sometimes i just wanna run up to u and hug you so tightly that u can leave me alone just like that, but i know all these is not within my capability. i've been reminding myself the negative responses that i'd be getting from you whenever i just wanted to tell u something nice... but it doesn't seem to be effective enough to stop me from loving you.

whokays. it has just got my to my attention that i'm starting to get crazy over you and i know that this is not right. how 'not right' it is is not for anyone else to judge, even you. i just know that i should know my place well enough, and stay there.
i can't deal with relationships. i'm just not matured. not ready. selfish. and, i should remember all that before i start free-ing my heart to just be free to love again.

right now, i just want to forget you and to only remember the times i had with you during my OJT. those were the days where i really enjoyed myself. that's probably the lethal start, but i guess that's ok; i just shouldn't have allowed it to propagate likka small bush fire that can turn into deforestation.





anyways. onto something more practical and useful in life...

i've just applied for the airforce.
i actually applied it, and qualified for it, 2 yrs ago for C3. i rejected it because i wasn't really sure especially after i just got rejected from scdf/ on my way to exploring the alternatives of pursing this aircraft engineer dream. was afraid that it was just on a moment of impulse.

but this time, i'm pretty sure. not because i realllly want it, but its just the best option for me right now. in all honesty, i hope to get in and then get an engineering degree out of it if its ever possible.
and just as i was more or less settled for this choice, my biggest boss of the company sent me a whatapp pic of silkair's job opening for engineers. and unlike siaec's one (though i'm not too sure if its really different), there' looking for diploma holders, but of course with the relevant qualifications which i dont qualify.

well, i'm guess i'm gonna give the last shot at it, before i settle for the airforce. i will regret not being part of the airforce experience, but giving it up for a longer time spent repairing commercial planes would be worth it.
but let's not get my hopes high again. yup, i should try again, but let's just manage the emotional part of it well, dont want to make any implusive decisions.



onto my job, was just talking with my friend who's an excellent writer for SPH.
recently she just quit her job, though she was doing well. she saw her passion for writing being subconsciously threatened by the many other inevitable work-related factors and she just didn't want the passion to be killed in the process. in the mean time, she can see herself not performing the best of what she can be. hence, before decides to leave the job because she kills her name in the progress.

that's exactly what i'm thinking right now as well.
i applied for a technician job. being over qualified, i got posted to business development, higher 'position', higher pay. at first, i was doing well. i mean like... first job, had the opportunities to apply what i've learnt, able to implement changes and all, but at the end of the day, its just not my undying passion though i can excel in it. i promised my gm that i'll stay for 3 months. then 4-6 months. and now, i'm on my 8th month. and i can see myself not performing. not that i can't, but i just dont have that drive to go on. and before everyone else i'm working with realize this drop in efficiency, i'd better leave before my level of reliability gets boycotted in the process. my gm has a high expectation of me and thinks highly of me to some extent, however saying that, he too is aware of my goals in life. so i guess, 1 yr is enough for me. i'm giving myself till june. what's more with silkair's new purchase of 54 (omg) boeing 737, chances of me working on this plane is very high if i should get into the company/ trng scheme.


so yes, really, pray for God's direction.

and with this whole career thing, i guess i should hijack this opportunity to keep my heart busy. nothing else should matter now. i just want to say i love you and i will end this love as soon as i can, with whatever means i can.

u know, its just amazing that u alone, have that ability to make me made all my social media streams private. my twitter, instagram and now my blog. u're not a friend on FB... so looking at it, u're just left exposed to my tumblr posts in which i'm thinking of making it private too if its possible.
why, because there's some post i just want to repost, but i dont want to u to read it and then think that they're all aiming at u though sometimes they are. hahas


sigh. duno if its a blessing or a curse that i can write so freely in this space know that it's going to be publish to the world (in ur definition) eventually.
honestly, i dont want to be blogging my private life here. coz i dont really like all the special feelings to be so.. broadcasted.. but this is probably the only possible way of me communicating to you. ok, actually not communicate, its more like pouring out all my shit to you without u using every point to jam at me back into my already torn heart. ya, i know i may be wrong in my thinking to your opinion.  no buts and howevers, i just need to do it.

hence u see, there is this space that we both want to be at, but just cant be at the same time. 

well, i've got nothing to hide really. even if this is a platform for people to judge me or react / respond to me just based on my blog, i dont really care anyway because i know that i'm true to myself and that's all it matters. even if people misunderstand me, i can only blame it on my poor written language skills.
and even if ppl use my content against my interest, whatever.


ok. i dont like myself in this mode now.
good day.

words from the heart

one of the rare days that i needa blog out so many posts.

honestly, i have never blogged to get a response from anyone. and i never blog just to gain sympathy coz i respect myself, myself and my readers who are truly interested in all my biking/ mountaineering/ aviation adventures. 

if you can't take it, then don't read it since its public space right.

however, i'm locking this up coz i realize that its been too long that my words are consistently encircling around 2 people who have hurt me the most.

1 of them have kept his distant out and far despite my desperate pleas to salvage the friendship back. we're once best friend who turned lovers and then it all became a silent movie. i'm really very sad to have lost such a good brother in my life, and do want this friendship back so much in which we both enjoy nothing more.

the 2nd one, a special friend and mentor who constantly like to hurt me. special because he is really special to me. though i do love him alot and long for his companionship as friends, i find it too hard to just embrace the whole thing because we both have very different levels of expectation for this friendship. each time i be honest, i get shot back at. and when i start to hold back some horses, i still get a double shot. we really enjoy each other's company alot, but everything just seems so difficult because of our different ideologies. despite all the differences, its interesting and nice that we can hit off so well. 

we've quarreled like lovers. we've recovered fast. but if i can recall, these last 2 ones are probably the breaking point. i just dont get how and why we've landed up at this stage. are we thinking too much?

are we expecting too much? are we depending too much? instead of 'we', have we pushed all the accusations to each other's side. i'm probably guilty of that too. no doubt we understand each other so much, perhaps its just too much for us to take; ok, too much for me to take since i'm not ready to commit anymore other issues in my life.

well, at least now that u've really pushed me to an edge, i needa reflect upon myself.  i should probably be glad and thankful that i'm now at this step, at least i dont abuse this blog space. 

you know today, i've had many many thoughts of literally drowning myself, in water, in alcohol, in perspiration. not to kill myself, but just to physically push myself to struggle with the physical nature  and probably force out a wake up call with the literally physical struggle. but i dont think its worth it as it is not going to change anything. 

perhaps social media has been a big part of it all. with you and your evaluation skills, u're really probably reading too much into it since after all, i'm still a girl who whines out w/o holding back at times. 

i'm still really sad, and to a point that my heart is physically aching.

i'm at the verge of crying and breaking down but for some reason, that pride is holding that tears back. i've got not many people to talk about this since u want this privacy. 

and since u're not a fellow believer in Christ, i find it hard to explain certain things to you. perhaps all this while, this is the reason just that we both have subconsciously chosen to ignore it.

anyway, i know this space wont be locked forever and eventually, this post will shed light. honestly, there's nothing to hide just that i do want to respect you in ways that i can manage for now. 

perhaps when the time is ripe, when i unlock the blog, and perhaps if you're still reading this space, we'll all look back at this post and realize how blind we are to the many other things.

u know, now that i'm in this mode of no-one's-gonna-read-this, i feel more relaxed to some extend... its like... taking a step back. and probably if the both of us could just take a step back, we can still enjoy each other's company after all. but for now, i guess both of us are unable to let go of all the unnoticed baggages.

i guess this is how i should be blogging again and not blog with fear of who's gonna read this / if my msg is gg to get across etc..

and in all things, i want to thank God and honour Him for what he has done. already such little issues, we're struggling to keep up on the surface of the water. imagine what Jesus has to go through when He came down as man. he didnt have fb/twitter/blogger/tumblr to be angst all about, all He could do was to be patience and have faith. WWJD indeed.

i pray that God will mend my heart and keep it safe. 

i will trust and obey for He is good and its only His love that dwells forever.

LOCKED

Since i'm not using this space to 

share about exciting life
encourage others

share my experiences or

glorify God, 

i'm gonna take a break from the public face until i get it right.

on course

feeling damn shitty now.

these 2 days should supposedly be better because i'm on a HF refresher course. not so much because i'm on course and away from work, but because the course is held at TAD, siaec's trng facility. great facility. saw the facility and really cool that they've got almost everything for trng. good library with all my fav books as well. a pity that not many people appreciate/use the library to the maximum.

anyway, able to blog now coz we're done with the course for the day and the rest of us from the same company are doing our office work in the facility, hijacking each other's mobile tethering. it's quite a nice setting coz its like a group discussion kinda thing.

---

i just want to say, you've made me feel so worthless. 

maybe its more like, you've reminded me how self-centered i am. and in saying so, i'm probably putting myself in a state of wallowing up myself in self-pity. well u're right, coz i'm just so broken again by you and i dont know what to do now. 

i dont really know what's love all about now.

each time i try one step, it just hits me back like a strong wave. i cant even stand back up. before i can even start stumbling back up to my 2 feet, another wave come and hit me. 

you keep saying its about my obstructive strength, resilience, stubbornness and to delete you off my contact list. i would if i could during that 6 months ago. 

i dont even know if i'm angry now. its not like i'm tired of it or what but everything feels so broken to even find its bearings. i dont even know what i'm thinking right now. but thanks for assuring me that i'm not ready for anything, not ready to give up my selfish life for others, not willing to cast my pride away for love and comittment. well, thank you. that was probably with a bit of sarcasm, but with deniable truths as the majority.

and really, i'm not being defensive, but i'm just clueless to all those mean words being fired back at me, again. ok, not clueless, but just disappointed- not with you, but successfully, in me.

thanks for the reminder of who i really am. 

honestly at this point of time, i dont exactly know what you see in me anyone. since u hate me so much, y not just let it go. ok, i'm sorry, that was supposed to be for me. i'll try even harder to let you go. sorry to have wasted your time. as i cant be who you want me to be, i can't and shouldn't expect you to be who i want you to be. i guess i should learn to give up friendships, not just because they can be this painful, but they can be too good to be true. 

i hope this is a good lesson for me, thanks for waking up my ideas.

all i wanted to do was to share with you a supposedly good day i'm having or the what i'm doing now and redundant stuff like that. but whatever.

and i really hate myself .again to highlight, i'm not into wallowing up myself in self-pity, but i just need to be heard, otherwise i can just go crazy and do crazy things that i shouldn't be doing. that's how i am and you can probably try to respect that. not forcing you to. 

i'm probably built to be alone and help others. that's it. no committment and no responsibilities that i can't carry.

quite sure u're going to read this, and i dont care.

you read you respond you get unhappy. if you can tell me to delete off your number, i can tell you to forget this space and leave me alone. and yes by now, i'm truly sorry and apologetic that i called you out for serious help.80% was about the bike. 20% is coz i miss you which shouldn't even be part of the equation. i should have waited out the night for some fellow rider to help me with my bike rather than turning to you for support. for that, my bad. sorry for using you when i'm not allowed to / not willing to bear the consequences and carry the weight. may you forgive me, forget me and just rmbr me as that girl on OJT, who's really interested in aviation, period. 

and to whoever else may be reading this space, pls dont say nice things to me to comfort me. its not going to change things anyway. you're just saying nice things to elevate the problem to make me feel better which will come back again. it  gives me all falsification of hopes. i dont deserve good coz i dont thrive in them. like what you've said to me, i thrive in such circumstances coz it builds me - i should learn to acknowledge that. 

i never should be happy. coz u're giving that height to fall. life should all be at a constant. no ups. no downs. boring, safe, and how itshouldbe.

so yes. 

still not sure of what am i supposed to do w/o you now. 

i dont know what i'm saying since i'm never really with you anyway. its like trying to break way from a vantage point that u can't really see or know if it really exist. 

i hope i can get out of this pitch u've always so successfully put me in.

i dun evern dare say those 3 heartfelt words to you right now for i dont know what it all means anymore.
confusingly painful.

whatever it is, i hope you're not reading this while u're at work coz i still want you to stay safe and be focused. i know you will anyway.  dun want anything to happen to you or to others. 

So I guess this is y ppl say focus on ur work/ studies, dont go into relationships if u cant manage. I never believed that, even when I had my first break up until... today. Idk if its coz of the growing up process,  or the increase in workload/responsibilities, or just me deterioting in my priorities and capabilities, but this is one lesson that I should take note of. And remember that.

may the God i believe in continue to guide me and walk with me. may He touch your heart one day as much as your stubbornness is against it. 

may i know my place, stay there, never to be in your way again. 

miserable.

the girl who's got my back

very distracted today. tried to do up a proposal but just couldn't. 

was thinking about some stuff today and i guess you're right... i can't be honest with you. 

as much as i can pour out everything i have in my heart to you, there's still bits and pieces that i just want to keep it away from you.

for some reason, i thought of you alot today. it was unexpected coz i'm neither feeling all lonely or in my PoonMarianSyndrome state. i wanted to msg you rather desperately but i didnt know how to, or let's just give some credit to the self-control aspect of it. i guess mainly, there's probably too much unspoken mutual agreements that we dont speak but we're just able to comprehend the layers of it. it feels that i'm trying to orchestrate the whole thing or rather, trying to deny the fact that i'm orchestrating it. it feels that i'm just trying to use you to fill all that.... unrest. i missed you so bad and wanted you to know that but i'm quite sure that along with those 3 words comes with many other things. and then i was thinking, are you thinking of me? or rather, are you in the same state of wanting to msg me but just wanted to give me some space and then leaving everything alone, waiting.

ytd out of the blue u said that 2 words to me and it was special coz i was surprised that it got me pretty pleasantly distracted. it wasn't the best time coz i was out to meet customers. i tried my best to work on the work plan but just couldn't put my mind to it. its bad coz its not the way how sportspoon does her work/business. when just hit off well and know that we will.

that's the problem with all girls in general. when they want A, you give them A, they want B. when you give them B, they want A. and for the record, you can never understand them. sometimes, i dont even understand myself. i'm not able to be rational nor logical. well, i'm not trying very hard to put a reason to everything, but from how i'm being brought up, things got to be justifiable. but when it comes to affairs with the heart, not everything can be laid out straight in black and white, not even grey. 

really, if life can just be like robots or binary systems of 10101010100110. 

its where you can practice fault isolations, perform redundancy tests or implement fail safe systems. everything has a Y/N flow and chances of you deviating out of that 10101010 flow is nil. 

honestly, i dont know where i am, what to do now. 

i know that i just want to be a special friend to you and that's about it. you know that too but i guess you couldn't agree with it. and as much as i know what i want, when i'm with you, everything all goes into a blur. 

today was quite... funnny. one of the working partners suddenly asked me a few qns. qns like.. "do you have a boyfriend? do you intend to have one? do you think of getting married?" he asked me that coz he was trying to dissuade me in taking on the engineer route coz it's just not appropriate for a lady..... unless one fine day you meet a rich guy or handsome pilot or something. he then went on to comment that i look nice in some of my pass photos... .this and that. its quite... uncalled for though i mean he's a nice person to work with. i mean we've been talking about the business plans and our views towards certain issues are quite similiar and just hit off well as customer-client kinda thing. 

for this, i know i'm thinking tooo much into it. and to be honest, i dont recall sportspoon becoming this sensative. idk if its coz of the recent valentines' season, or meeting up with you, or probably just the whole growing up phase, but i'm starting to get pretty sensitive and i dont like it. i mean i dont like my internal reaction and response; its not as care-free as how i was. how -whatsupbrudda- i can normally be. 

i think i'm really growing up. whhhahas. next, what about the feminie office work clothes? WHAHAHHS.

omg. i think i'm being too open here. didn't expect to vomit all these out, but in all these bittersweet goodness, i'm feeling the load and i cant get away with it, along with the additional 7yrs load. hahas.

anyways, i went to the bike shop to get my i/c back.

got my clutch, throttle and suspension adjusted. feels so much more comfortable now. getting abit more confident, and i'm riding really safely now. hahas. i think in my 4 yrs of riding, i've never been so safe. like stop at stop line, keeping a very safe distance, not exceeding this and that. ahhahahas. steady.

then just otw back, i thought to myself, all these yrs, y have i been riding in such a rush mode. i guess with all the hours with delivery/courier it has become a bike habit. now with my... WhiteKnight (hahahas. i just find this funny), i dont have the skill to rush anyway, hence i notice the difference.

saw them washing sparky. its realllllly clean, and i miss him. i got back Bubbles!

washed her and still so dirty. shes' been riding with me all these while. 4 yrs mannn. 

about 60,000km? 20,704.7 km - 78,708.7km. 

she's got my back. she's gonna be with WhiteKnight now but her string's broken. probably needa get mother poon to help. 

whokays. that's about it. 

lastly, glad to meet up with some of the friends for gab's bday over dinner. :)

at least it put things back into place. 

i miss you.

my White Knight

been wanting to blog but my home wifi's been down for these 2 days. >:(
hijacking mother poon's hotspot on her (still) 12GB data plan. whahas.


ok, the no.1 topic of the night is........ my new bike!

on a romantic night of 14th Feb, i found my true, hard love. hahahs.
and on that night i........... fell twice. hahas
looking at it, shehe's really a beauty.
but really, i was really afraid of it. from 135cc to 400cc, i felt the weight.
while trying to negotiate a right turn, i just couldn't handle it so i fell.
i went to the petrol station, pumped petrol, tried to turn out and fell again. ahhas. totally CMI. and really thank God for all the uncles in the world who came by to help me. sigh.
but when i first ride on the PIE, shiok ttm. the response, the smoothness, super swee. it felt all worth it.
finally reach home. couldn't park at all coz it was up slope. dun talk about turning, can't even reverse. so i had to go up one round before coming back to the parking lot.

i went up, put my bag down, wanted to go down and practice, but by then, i realized that i was shaking. i was actually quite scared. was feeling all fatigue alrdy also. i felt so scared that with all the butterflies fluttering in my stomach, i couldn't eat dinner at all. throughout the night, i was very uneasy. mother poon asked how's the bike, i told her its big, good, and fine, but i guess being my mother and having all kinds of mother sense, she was worried.

idky i was so scared also. i mean like, i've skidded, and then recovered emotionally fast after just a few mins/hours, but this time it was different. hahas. it felt likka reallllyyyyyyy old feeling. in primary sch, i was damn afraid of gg to the dentist. at the mention of the word 'dentist' by mother poon who was intending to bring me downstairs to get my tooth plucked out, i would go all silence and feeling all the tension and all. on the very next mention of that word, i would literally break down. ahhahahs. yup, that afraid.

i still rmbr friday night leading up to sat night. i went to the airshow on sat morng. nope, didn't ride there. took a cab to meet estee to go down. though i was excited through the airshow, i still felt the jitters. when estee asked me how's the bike and all, i felt that anxiety and almost cried. ahhas. wah lau. heing i didn't, but i didn't expect myself at that kind of stage.

after the airshow, i went to get my seat cut and installed a bar raiser and the exhaust protector. the fork is already at max lowest, and i think my suspension can be turned 2 more notches down. #lastresort. but after that, it felt much better. played rugby in the evening, and then rode back. and for the record, with the butterflies flying in my stomach the whole day, i didn't eat at all. surprised that i survived a 15s game w/o dinner,  breakfast and lunch. went home, tried to park in the position that i wanted, and just couldn't do it.
and the more i tried, the more i realized that i was almost caught in a dead end. i couldn't reverse. couldn't move forward and for some reason, i couldn't get my gear in the neutral position.
felt helpless man. my neighborhood biker friend wasn't around, so i called you.

really glad to see you. not so much because u're here to help me, but it was just too long that i've seen or spoken to you. though i still wasn't feeling too well from all the mixed distractions and anxiety, i enjoyed the chill time with you. but anyway, thanks for coming down to my rescue. really, it really wasn't staged just to see you. but all i could think of was you ok.
so yea, i'm pretty glad for the intense butterflies. for they have given me all the power to finally msg you again, and thank you, yet again for not abandoning me as how u should have.



sunday morng.
went to church. surprised that i was able to wake up early and on time. not only time, for some reason, i wasn't really that tired at all!
a little embarrassed abt my big bike and the loud vrooom vroom sound. but jerome fell in love with my love. hahas.

our first photo together.
i can so hide behind my bike and u'll not seee me at all.

monday, day 1 of work and battle with the peak hour jam. woke up 15 mins earliers, just in case. hahahas.
and.... it wasn't that bad at all! :) now its alrdy tues, and i'm starting to get abit more comfortable.
still abit apprehensive, especially at turns and tight spaces, but i'm starting to fall in love with him abit more. whahas. with one of my teammate's inspiration, i've decided to name it, my White Knight. whahahas. i mean like, since sg's fighter planes are the Black Knights, why not right. whahahahs. (sorry sparky, pls know that i still love you and miss you alot)


but seriously, even with all the jitters, anxiety, i still love this bike coz of the feeling. not sure if its worth it though.
howeverrr......... i'm still thinking if i should sell it back / to ppl (got a few potential buyers alrdy!).
i mean like, i bought a bike to save cost, and be at a convenience. if this bike is not gg to help me save on cost as well as give me the convenience i need (like secretly camouflaging my bike in some small illegal corner of singapore), then i really need to reconsider. i'm looking at the 2b fazer, but i dont think it'll be as versatile as my spark. perhaps get another spark and zheng it till it feels likka super4. whhahahhas.  idk. almost gave up, but i think i'll give it another try for a month before deciding again.

in the mean time, pls pray that i'm skill enough to be safe. i guess its time that i throw out all my bad habits and start riding with good techniques.
and thank you all for your kind encouragements, advices and well wishes.

my friend's friend recently passed away because of a bike accident (on the day i got my bike). and another of my friend is wheelchair-bound for another 6 motths also because of a bike accident that smashed her hips and broke her shin into 2.
yea, ride safe guys.


ok, next topic.... AIR SHOW!
actually no topic. just more photos. glad to see the boys on duty. hahhahas.
estee with her pilot on his F16 and me with my fellow sub-collegue. :)
Trade days and public day. Work and friends. Business and fun.

it's only the place where u'll see the landing gears all so clean.

not a big fan of the A350. but its a new plane, beautiful wing tip. and thanks for challenging the market and your fellow competitors, be it direct or in-direct. aviation industry FTW. hwhahahs. 

Korea's Black Eagles are so awesome.

he's here with his batch mates on his off day. still say i aviation siaow.

  

public dayyy! massive crowds.

 because taking photo with airplanes is too mainstream. ahhahas

so yep. pretty a fulfilling wkend.
managed to watch The Lion Men with mother poon too.  i think her last cinema movie was like the 881 movie.











---









so many decisions.
i think my brain is going to explode.

Infinite Possibilities

Finally went to the air show todayy!!!!!! Its my first air show. hahas. the last time was the RSAF open house. but because we had so much things to clear in the office, we only went at 2.30pm till about 5pm. 

we spent most of the time at trade booths coz we're also supposed to find some sources / solutions get some business done.

i would really want to spend time reading about all the technologies and solutions in the market man. but it was more like browsing and talking to people and stuff like that. no time to read. ): 

my interview with the sch was being played on the promo tv- and on loop some more. ahhhahahs. omg. the irritating face and voice. but whateverr. Jason saw it and whatsapp me. ahhahha.

more imptly, i saw the A350! heard that it's gotta go back tonight, so trade and public visitors for tmr and the wkends wont be able to see it. hahas. but i'll guess i'll see it somewhere soon. there was a long queue for the 787... so we didn't go up. :(

it's funny how i'm able to go in and out of airplanes almost everyday but just still very excited about it.

saw RSAF's defense planes as well. no one went in and play around coz i guess everyone was still prim and proper. ahhahahs. i mean like, there were a few la. but i'm pretty sure on the public days, u're gonna have a looongggggg queue - those kind of giveupandletsnotqueueanymore kind of queue.

but all these military machines did ignite some old long lost passion for my part to play in national defense. hahas. well, perhaps. maybe. u'll never know. but nah. hahahs.

bahh.  still so excited.

since my co's a subsidairy of ec, we took the free shuttle bus from alh. hahas.

and its quite nice coz in a big event like such with tons and tons of people, when u see familiar faces from the business partners u've worked with, u've got this closeness feeling with them. and its a good platform for relationship building with ur business partners.

anyway, yea, i guess there were lotsa big shots. everyone was in business attire. a minority were in like polo and t-shirts. majority had those suits and blazers. it felt like another IMF, just more extreme. it was nice to see ppl from other country.. especially the korean pilots of the Black Eagles. 

people coming together to share ideas and just to improve the industry as a whole. 

the aviation industry is one special industry coz the basic aim of everyone's business is to keep everyone safe. of cost, at low cost, maximize efficiency by optimizing everything and anything. ahhas.

i took lotsa photos. mostly in my camera. hahas quite funny coz it felt like i've lost all artistic sense of composition. i just wanted to capture the image of the object and didn't care how i did it. totally not my style, but i was just... like too excited and trying to manage so many things in so little time to really enjoy myself.

really wish that i could be there with you. idk how it would turn out different. but i guess any aviation moment is always one to cherish. but i should let that go now coz i have no idea what u're thinking / doing now. some how it seems that i feel you. but i shouldn't caree.........!

ANYWAYS.

today i got a call this morng.

looks like i'd be having a new boyfriend on friday.

and friday its.... ZHAP GOR MEHHH. whahahhahs!!

been thinking about him alot for the last 2 wkss. abit hesitant, but i know my heart's like set on him. went to see him today and made the decision. i might regret it because he may not be as economically efficient, but still must have at least that 1 shot at it. and friday will be thee dayyyyyyy!

soo excited that i think i can't slp tonight. wait for it... will be posting up photos when we're together! :D

wahahhahahahhas.

and it sucha beautiful day today.

though the work part of work still feels like shitty work, but its A-OK.

just when i was about to give up (or have given up for that moment) on my goal, i saw this on instagram.

amen to that man.

I.give.up.

1 down

whokays. operating with less than 20 hrs of slp for the week, glad that the vid is done.and just in time. event starts at 6pm... and i finished the job at 4pm... and it takes 2hrs to render and export the vid. so yep, 1 chance. and thank God it was successful on the first attempt. can't believe that i actually skipped 3 trngs and 1 league game just for this. #commitment.

on a whole, idk but even the debrief, personally i found it very different from other years. previous yrs felt more... home-ish, more to the heart. it was more about sharing and learning rather than just having a debrief as per se. idk but i feel very tired and its not the good kind of tired.

though the debrief is finally over and probably signifies the closure for the 2013 trip, i've still got a list of requests from people to follow up.

that's the thing about helping people.

once u help, it becomes your responsibility. 

we can often 'correct' our mindset and internally reorganize our minset/purpose, but really, what's worth?

and this happens everywhere, especially it the corporate world. and then, it becomes a problem because it affects efficiency when its not supposed to fall under your 'workscope'.

this wk, work was another crazy week. true enough, the plane was delayed into the hangar. however, it didnt' really change things much.

another milestone for the week is that i'm called in for the management meeting.

and i dont like it. 

managment meeting is always the best time for me to catch up with all my work because all the big bosses and managers are involved, leaving me some peace and time for myself for awhile. corporately, its a good sign for me. but i dont care. this is not where i want to progress and i'm pretty sure that money and any other benefits does not waver my determined stubborn goal. 

in the mean time, anyone wanna be a business development executive in the aviation industry? ahhas. contact me. your job scope:

• improving efficiency and streamline process
• carry out ground work and field studies to improve on aircraft maintenance processes
• understand quality assessments and aviation regulations and regulatory framework
• able to introduce cost and revenue management strategies
• ability to assess safety requirements
• be familiar with line / hanger operations 
• may require manpower management and organizations skills
• prepare documents for RFQs, tenders, GTAs, etc.
• be able to conduct meetings and presentation to customers and subcontractors
• have good interpersonal skills
• offices hours and able to work OT, sometimes wkends
• good to posses a Class 3 license 
• M9, M10 papers would be an added advantags

HAHA. 1 word: BKL. = BAO KA LIAO

(ahahs, aka... Boh Kor Lieng)

and the list goes on now that it's official with the company's expansion plan. 

sometimes i just feel that all these is just... redundant.

so tired. can i add in the inevitable work & business politics and all other 100000 emails. 

if its for like SIA, u've got like 10 staff to do my 1 job. serious. but of course, they handle more clients and customers.

a few yrs back, if the decision made was otherwise, i would probably be fighting a different kind of fire now. a literal fire that is if i were to be a fireman or at least a paramedic. 

i'm probably still young and naive in my thinking. yea, money and savings is good in the long-run, but i'm not there in my thinking, yet.

honestly, its better to start on the right path first right. otherwise, if you're in it, that's it. its like planting a tree.... i mean the tree can be uprooted and be moved eventually, but it'l' never be the same right. 

first i told him 2 months. then 4-6 months. now i'm like 8 months into it man. its really by God's grace and the excellent colleagues and bosses that kept me going. yea, sometimes i do enjoy my job coz at least i'm able to apply what i've learnt in school and contribute to the growth. at least it makes me feel useful. at the same time i think because i'm a girl, i'm also able to contribute with staff welfare policies (though its not really my core workscope) in the staff welfare whenever possible. 

haiya. whatever it is, i know i'm never looking forward to a monday workday besides tmr! coz this wk is the Airshow week! 

loooking forward to the trade days and to give out my name card massively with ulterior motives to find another job. hahas. i'm not afraid if my boss should happen to stumble upon this space coz he's aware of it. hahas. its kinda like an unspoken thing.

And yes! Silkair welcomes 23 new 737s!! :D this gives new hope man. I dun think there will be any chance of me getting a 747 type license should I become a LAE. Now theres new 737s there's hope! Hahaha :) 

oh yea. i dreamt of you last... i think thursday night. i rmbr sleeping at 3am ish and with that 3 hours+ of dead tired slp, u were somehow in that pleasant dream. i find it quite funny coz what was supposed to be a nightmare turned out to be a pleasant dream. i think what stimulated it was because i saw and interacted with this engineer which totallly felt like you. seriously. his pattern. his way of speech. ahhas. you should really meet him.  he too appeared in the dream and it became confusing. i can't exactly rmbr the whole thing now though. ahhas. but yea, that was unexpected. 

and the next day, i saw him again. hahas. he walked pass and i let out a chuckle. my boss noticed and asked "what's up?".. i said "nothing. that guy looks familiar."

well, following-up again on my "Liberation" post.. ahahhas. still not taking it back.

i know i've got so many baggages that i'm unable to let go off. but just want to thank God that i'm managing them pretty well now. though i really wish that i can throw them all off board, i guess i'll have to take it slow. at least its not so painful now.

not wishing anything. not hoping anything. just simply because.... i can't afford it anymore, in all aspects.

lastly, i miss you and i wish to be by your side though i dont wish to see all of you again. whahhas.

i just wanna start learning about planes and fixing them all over again and that should make my life complete. 

family reunion

whokays.

the yearly cny family visitings are coming to an end. this yr, we managed to spend more time with the relatives. was nice coz of the long break from work. i mean like, (though i've said this, but....) i'm super happy that thurs' halfday and today, its sunday, and tmr, it's still off in-lieu! :D and all trngs cancelled! wahahs. but i need more time to finish up the ppt.
starting to get a bit stressed about it coz i dont have much time left. ugh.

and i know that going back to work, i've got tons of things to follow up coz the plane that's gg into the hangar is.... going into the hangar and i need to get things going. secretly and selfishly hoping that there will be a delay. ok. i take that back.

anyway. work aside.
today, i went to church. hahas. went at 10am for a 9am service coz i got the timing wronggg.
anyways, ur mum saw me and gave me ang pow! hahas. been separately keeping all the angpow that she has still been giving me all this year into the box with all our ur things in it. i think this yr i could just keep it together with the rest of the angpows and stop being so...... special about it.

was surprised to see ur dad who's back from overseas for cny. he lost so much weight! and while talking to ur mum, suddenly ur dad came from the back, put his hand on my shoulder and wished me happy cny!
i was shocked man. pleasantly surprised coz uncle seems comfortable with me after all these yrs. its likka mixed emotion for me. happy coz an uncle seems to be happy upon seeing me even though we've not communicated for ages; shocked coz he's still ur dad after all.
i'm not reading much into anything here. just missed those little times we had.
i still rmbr how i had to buy a measuring cup for ur mum's bday coz when the cook book wrote '1 cup', she literally used 1 cup (any drinking cup she can find at home) to measure stuff for her chocolate cake. fhwahahs. and we became the victims of her experiement. hahahas. it was fun. but it was more fun when u said that i put in so much effort just to get into her good books.

hahas. sorry the melancholic sharing of such bittersweet memories. (literally coz of the chocolate cake. ahhahas. jokkinnggg)



and so. i think mother poon thinks that i'm having a boyfriend outside or something.
she's been saying things like "you can dont come home for dinner then i dont have to cook,".."i can cook if you want to bring ur best friends over.. just let me know in advance". hahaahahs. must be the flowers and probably all the going home late from trngs. ahhas. and with my increase usage in handphone  (coz of HayDay) it probably just adds on to her suspicion. hahahhas. jokes.
aiya. maybe i'm thinking too much.
coz i think she really wants to cook for my favourite best couple friend; amanda and sz who bought the mookata pot for her from thailand last year. hahahas.
anyway, it doesn't matter. everyone knows i dont have time for anything else other than work, trainings, and now church stuff.



been watching a korean drama "The feast of Gods" and i really empathize with the female lead character. but her character just taught me alot of positive values that how we should be in life. not only that, it also reminded me of how we should stand firm in the good and have faith. the granny in the show also said something about this girl in a soliquy scene.. "a girl with such 没心计 (harmless) thoughts will be sad and get hurt for this long road ahead of her... hope she pulls through.."







ok. all that aside.
onto my once favourite aircraft engineer, you're still my fav engineer ok.
there's so many ups and downs i want to share with you, so many things i want to discuss with you, so many aviation opinions and views that i want to hear from you. all i can do is just suck it up and live with that void. i'm probably still trying to learn how to respect your stand and decision, and.. know my place.
not sure if it helps in any way or do more damage than good, i want to let you know that i really do miss you and i can't stop thinking about u. you've probably stopped reading this space and i should be glad if you did. again, i just want to hijack this cny festive season and say sorry for any misunderstandings caused. wherever you are, i hope that u'll find what u're looking / not looking for. God bless you.



anyway. i'm so tired from the close to 40GB  of photos and vids. but its good coz at least it keeps my mind off things that i shouldnt be thinking about. since its a realization that i'm hitting the quarter-century crisis, i really should grow up and move on. just hope and trust in the Lord and chances of your going wrong will be low and almost nil if we have faith. sometimes in life, the more we try to get things going, the more it wont work. and the more we just let it go, it'll come. (disclaimer: does not happen in getting things done at work ok. ahahahas)


just wanna thank God for these few days.
it's sooo needed.
and just today, i watched like 3 movies at the houses. KungFu Hustle, Captain Philips and Act of Valor. steadyyy.





ok. finallly able to watch Terror in the Skies coz its 3:51am now.
the pilot of US Flight 1549 was sick talented man!! a flock of birds (not 1 but like many many) wrecked both the engines but the pilot managed to land on water and EVERYONE survived. so guys, A320, though small, still mighty oks. ahhas.
amen to that man.