Boot Camp

Blacks Boot camp over these 2 days.



9-5pm rugby.
fitness.SUN.ccab.lunch.whiteboardsession.minifckinggrid.mud.SUN.intenseteambondinggames.sportshoes.garrettpopcorn!.gameplay.defensepattern.teamrun.moreSUN.

hahas. fitness. Black's style. 

pick a card. the no. on the card is the no. of reps of the exercise. Joker is sprint/stride 800m. Ace is 11. Picture is 10. and the rest is self explanatory. hahas. 

1 set, 15mins. after 4 picks, run 400m.  total, 3 sets.

we did 2 sets of 20mins in the end. 

ok. no joke if u pick like 10, 8, 9, 10, 10, 8 of Spider crawl. i almost died with Rad. hahahas. i felt like for the whole 40mins, i was doing spider crawls with abit of pushups, alternate leg jumps here and there. hahahs. 

shagggggged. but it was a whole new meaning to fitness. and ok la, it was fun and painfully enjoying. ahhas. thanks Pris!

in the club for 3 yrs now. officially played for the club 1 season as a rookie, injured and out on the 2nd/3rd season, and now, going into my 4th season. so technically, i haven't contributed much. ahhas

i think just for the preparation for the 2013 season, i've grown as a rugby player mostly in this season. i think its mostly because i'm able to focus more on trng w/o major injury (keeping fingers crossed) and w/o my bowling commitments. i rmbr for the past 2 seasons, we trained really really hard, especially on the fitness. we had the luxury of st. andrew's field, where we had good equipments to train with,  not forgetting those red/blue sandbags, tyres and that 1 particular hugeass tyre. probably a tractor tyre or some sort. hahas. always a love-hate relationship with these stuff.
the shift work during OJT did disrupt my club trng.. the national team trng also did some disruption to the club's plan. but i guess we need abit of distraction to keep us focused right; we're pulling things together, now that there's not so much disruption. slowly, but surely.


we've lost the title last year, after being reigning champs at least for the past yrs and of course, we're very hungry to get it back. desperate maybe. but good desperation. we've always topped the table but when it comes to the finals, we just need some more fine-tuning i guess.



i think i'm still abit fearful when it comes to full-on contact during minigrid in trng because of the past few injuries. i think for game its ok, coz mentally, u've really got no excuses to slack off. not that i've got any excuse during trng, but its different la. but its getting better. and i hope to be more aggressive though. aiya, its a mental game.



and some photos from last yr's hk trip with the Poons.

bringing people together

its the final week of the year.

Christmas season is always my fav.

it reminds me of the life that God gave us through Jesus.

it's also about the giving and sharing.

and of course, with it, it brings so much warmth in the cold rainy season, over good ol' christmasy food and awesome company.

(:

(:

i'm quite glad that this yr, i was able to spend good time with good friends w/o having to miss any dates. as in like, everything this time fits quite nicely unlike previous yrs where i had to be in an either-or situation. and finally, i'm giving myself one whole day tmr to just clean up my room abit.

i just want to thank God for the many things.

really.though at times i've subconsciously distant myself away from Him, He hasn't left me.

this year, Christmas felt abit more differently special for me. maybe coz i'm growing up or perhaps, gained one more year of experience living on this Earth, i'm starting to appreciate my the people around me more.

sometimes i think i've got a secret ability to bring ppl together. ok, not bhb, but its proven!

coz of my large contacts base, knowingly or unknowingly, friends of friends become friends.

and sometimes, after i've brought groups of people together, i have to leave it coz of my commitments.

today during trng, i saw this quote on someone's shoe bag...

"i've got a million thing to do, but i make sure i make time for it. -Fitness First" 

hahas.true that. life is not about being fair, but its about making priorities count right.

there are certainly many more people whom i very dearly miss. though i canoot keep up with all the twitter/fb updates and news, some of u guys just pop up in my head occassionally. 

well, for some reason, i do see myself changing morphing growing alot more this yr. cannot really decide if its a good thing or a bad thing. maybe coz since i'm also moving my whole self from the business industry to the the aviation side, i'm generally meeting more different kinds of people, resulting in some from of self-adaptation to spark.

maybe i need to be searching for something to be searched for.

thanks whoever you are! this is really nice! (: (: (:

sometimes the eve

being practical saves you.
most of the time i guess.


many things i wanted to do
many things i wanted to say
many people i wanted to spend my time with
but sometimes, if your practicality is able to shine through for that few sec before that decision-making process starts to kick in, it can very well, pull you back from a long-term regret.
that is of course, situational based yes.



something quite nice and relevant i saw at the shop ytd. a notebook. but i'm not paying $12.90 for it.

and so...
apart from all those wasted nights, ok, i haven't really done anything regretful yet la.
self-control is a skill that can only be harnessed through practicing and a tinge of determination.


all trng's still on-going
touch season is coming up, hence the saturdaydamnhotinthesunfitnessandgame trng at dempsey. but it was good. and felt good to play touch again.
contact trng today. sprained my finger. didnt know that it was so painful until... now. swelling. the usual stuff. getting  immune and bored of it. ok #notcomplaining. and i dun mean that i desire anything more. hahas.

then we had our team christmas gift-exchange and relish! hahas.
the theme was redwhitegreen. hahas

(:

just love my girls. though we're all different ppl from different places, backgrounds, history, we all play that one game we all love, for ourselves, and for Blacks.




and since it was the night before christmas eve, i didn't feel like gg home after everything was over.
(too much dunfeellikegoinghomefeeling these few days. ): dun get me wrong. i still love home. hahas)
so, i took a ride down orchard, avoiding the expressways home.

avoiding the expressways homes.
sounds like a metaphor there.



basket. orchard jam. and somehow, i feel that my sparkplug is gg to die or smth. the bike's stalling point is so far into the clutch. stalled once at the filter lane today. then want to turn left, the bike turn right/ feels like its gg to toh anytime. and i honestly dun think its the acquired phobia from the last fall acting up.
anyway, made a detour to rochor tauhuay to get some for mother poon and myself. the standard dropped like mad. not nice now. prefer the tauhuay shop at potong pasir  or laoban.





oh yes. mother poon bought me a quiksilver bag for me for my christmas present this yr! hahas. so, no more angpow for the year then. ahahas. she saw that i liked the bag and bought for me sia. its really a good bag. many compartments, the base is really waterproof, got provide some mat to keep dry, inside got dry bag all. ok. i'm not promoting the bag... just telling u how pleased i am. ahhahas. and since it's christmas, its on 15% off! (:

more often than not, sometimes i feel i dont deserve the good things.


u know, i did not put myself down for work for these whole wk coz i just wanted a time out for myself. ok. that sounds alright right. but it's not when i know that my bank's left with (maybe) $11 or smth. HAHHAS.




sometimes, i feel that i've forgotten the meaning to things.
being focused and hardworking seems to be like a bypass valve after all.
then we start to loose its value, its meaning, and its respect.
sigh.


u know i've really got 790840928432 things to do. like packing my room, transferring (at lease 10gb) of stuff to my harddrive or smth. sort the photos out and stuff; clear my desktop so that my wallpaper of sasha digiulian can be justified. but i just haven't got the time discipline and effort to do so.




sometimes i hate dislike myself
sometimes i can't tally. i can't agree. i can't decide.
i set up so many bands for unnecessary protocols.
too many somtimes.
can we really achieve consistency by remaining parallel to our beliefs, principles and experiences and yet, having that sinusoidal curve? that positively labelled curve, often used as a motivational quote like "when u're down there's no where to go up".


but life's all about perspective isn't it?
"when u're up, there's no where but to do down".
it still applies right.
then again, who says that life is a sinusoidal curve anyway. maybe its those tangent curves. its extremities extends far out to its infinity. and the further we are, we get closer to our pre-set boundaries that are always perpendicular to ourselves, and never ever touching it. tmd. so close yet so far right.
omg. i'm actually using mathematics to evaluate out my intangible thoughts. iamnotageek ok. hahas. stephanie sim, if u're reading this, i think u'll feel damn proud of me. hahas. if only i can tag her in this post so that she can get a notification or smth. hahahahas.

maybe i'm versatile.
too adaptable.
not knowing, is knowing.
stay near and be far.
vs
being far and staying near.
gibberish.



and i'm selfishly lazy.
i mean like, u know, my childhood cum neighbour is back to stay at his aunty's place again for a period of time.... and though i do want to keep up the promise to meet up with him over a meal or something i haven't done so. i mean like, he stays just opposite me. and when i mean opposite me, i dont mean the block, but the unit. like less than 10m away kind.
he tells his aunty, whom in turns tells my mum that though we stay so near each other, he's not even able to see me. before they're awake, i'm out of the house. and once they're back and asleep, i come home. i'm sucha goner hurh.





how often do our paths cross with people?
what keeps us.






SIGH.
urgh.
feel like taking my bike down and bash through the streets of singapore right now.
but i dont feel like manually pumping my tyre for a start now.












its christmas eve!
all the festive know-nots.
if only everyone really understands the true meaning and value of christmas.
this statement is probably inclusive of me too.









things that i've just stumbled across tumblr.
yes. all from tonight's wreckage.

poisoned

wahh.

kenna food poisoning ytd.

was so so terrible.

discovered it during fitness.

while doing the sprints, i thought maybe coz i wasn't fit enough or smth or the circuits were tough. then i starting puking... and kept puking since then. then the stomach started churning and i had the diarrhea.  ok, definitely not fitness. food poisoning. 

and i initially thought that it was the combination of gym + alcohol + fitness. ahhas. 

was contemplating if i should ride home coz i knew my body was just going downhill.

as time ticked by, i realized the longer i take to decide, the shorter are my chances of making it home as my condition started deteriorating. i did think of asking some of my biking friends to save me or smth but didnt want to trouble anyone of them. so i decided to just bite the bullet and take a slow ride back. glad and very thankful tt i made it home. if i had video-ed my face otw home, it would be hard to watch. ahhas.

upon reaching home, i felt my soul leaving my body. i wanted to immediately go see the doc. but at that time, it was only private docs and i didn't have the money to go see doctor.

hahas. sounds damn miserable right 'no money go see doctor'.

so yea, i reached home, mum gave me $100. took a $4 / 3min cab ride to the Bedok healthway clinic.

the doc was damn nice. hahas. he saw my phone and showed me that he owned a blackberry too. hahas. and yes, we both hate the phone. hahas. not bad, he made my visit to the doc's more bearable. 

total cost : $68.40.
2nd time seeing a doctor for the yr. first time was half a yr ago when i had hfmd. ahhahahhahas.

took a cab back and died in the hall again. and the fever kicked in. the bodyaches- i wasn't sure if its from the virus or the gym. hahas.

the medicine was lethally good.

i thought i would puke the medicine out or smth, but the medicine was like immediate effect sia. stopped puking and peeing through my ass. hahahahs.

coz by this morng, i was gooooood!!!! 

stil had the energy to go out with mother poon and the kids to bedok point.

wanted to strip my bike, but not enough energy. 

yup, i took out the cowlings of my bike ytd to experiment abit. 

(honestly, i did think of asking u to join me in activities like such one day. but in the end, because of all the 'commotion' that we put ourselves into, i think we should give each other more space. ok, or rather, more space for myself if u want to see it that way. ya la. this is to you la. period.)

hahas. and yes, i think i need to be more knowledgeable about wiring systems. 

i want to install hazard light, highbeam (those u can tap kind.. like super4), and change to more powerful lights. i think i should be able to figure out soon! 

u'll always learn more when u seek for the answers urself. 

ok. thank God i'm not working today.

and i think i want a break.

i need this december man. been too much away from anything good. too unfocused. too gone.

need to be find myself again. i'm not lost. just blinded.

sometimes i think making mistakes when u're not sober is better than making them when u're fully clear-headed. that not meant to be an excuse, but its probably a more comforting alternative.

ok. the medicine is kicking in.. gdnite.

needa post right now.

i just got home.
from a wasted night.


i'm not fully sober. neither am i drunk.
but, i'm awake enough to save up some $, to figure out a way to get home via public transport, and spend some time thinking and sorting myself out.
even at the place, my closer teammates are shocked to find myself in a place like such.
they all know, it's so not me. something must have happened.



before carrying on, i have to tell u, as requested, i've blocked u off whatsapp. thank you very much.
i'm really not the person who would fancy such childish gesture. but, if its really a way to make the both of us better, why not. i can't block u on twitter/ blogger, coz it would seem stupid. i mean like, if i'm ready to be all socialmedia and all, i should be able to face the weight of it right. and, whatever, it doesn't mean anything to me now.





i'm  really quite proud of myself for making it home. and really, the journey home, though long and cold and it seemed that it didn't make sense, made alot of sense. as i miraculously figure out a system way home, i've got a bus uncle who told me that its the last stop, i passed by the morning crowd, i sat on top of the double decker and watched the sunrise w/o paying even paying an express bus fare. i saw people going to work. people going to the market. scdfs gg to save lives. soldiers going for trng. and there i was, feeling so wasted and seemingly having zero outlook upon life.




what have i done to deserve this really.




what have i done in my wasted moments.
i do regret.
but, it was a good lesson learnt.










thus, i have promised myself to distant myself from boys. even daniel (yes, i can fully exclaim out loud here now coz i think theres like 34209849024803242 daniels in singapore alone). i have figured out that there's really no point in all these effort. all these struggle.


here i am trying.
and if u're not helping, why should i even continue.
just because i can tolerate ur mood swings, it doesnt mean that u can tolerate mine.
honestly, i'm actually ok with it. but if it becomes to a point where i dont even know what the hell am i doing or trying to salvage/ bring out.... whats the whole point seriously.


to be honest, u've ruined me.
since i've met u, it was literally a life changing experience. for the good and for the bad. that's how much an impact u've had on me and what's worse- i dont even know until i've suffered the repercussions of it. of course, nothing to u seem to make sense or satisfy ur practical desire for a logical explanation. whatever. just blame it on that i'm a girl and i've got my unreasonable reasons.
at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. just because i'm trying to keep the friendship, it doesnt meant that u can do a good job with it too right. for that, i'm probably too naive. just because i've respected u and probably have so much confidence in ur experience with lift, actually, i really shouldn't be making any groundless assumptions.



this is stupid.
this is not me.





i'm moving on.
and thank God, the new year's coming.



tonight wasn't supposed to be.
i was supposed to be at Play later tonight.
(k, i havent slpt, so the word 'tonight' is both ways k)
but, i guess, tonight did wake me up. all the alcohol did wake me up.
at least i've got that strong bit of principles to keep me safe, still. i'm abit shocked that i've fallen into that, but thankful that i've not totally killed myself.
in all these, i see myself stronger. i dont care if u dont think so, or think so in sarcasm, but it seemed that i've figured out.



i dont want to be in a r/s.
never again.
with confidence.
for i dont have that level of maturity.
and i also dont need that kind of dependence, as i'm selfish with my own.


looking at girls became a stage in life for me. but i do know, and still have that level of conscience, that i wont, and never want to hurt a girl, just like how a guy can do.
guys are brutal. they think they're not, but in their softness, it comes with sharp piercing knives. just like how a rose is with thorns.



ok, to u, and i know u're reading it now and feeling with deep regret and all the shitty feelings.
pls, dont be.
get a grip on urself.
i'm not blaming u or feeling bitter coz u've hurt me.
infact, i want to thank u. take it as i've used u.
coz through you, i've really learnt what it means to let go. 拿得起，放得下.
 ie, if u can take, u must be able to let go.
i've really learnt alot. though we're not together, it felt like u've once played a big part in my life and seems that i can count u as my 'second' (- if u know what it means.)
but, heck it.




i'm stronger now.
i've seen the light at e end of the tunnel.
no more wasted nights like such.




i just had to post a post like this now even though my bed calls for me.
thank God no sch tmr.
but this post will serve as a reminder to me.
of what i did tonight.
what i think i've done.
and of what i think i've set myself to do.
all these, the small steps, are so impt to me right now.

towards the end

it has been pretty muddy lately. the woes of washing muddy trng gears after trng. :/ but ok, i must admit and give thanks to mother poon for finishing up the washing. i do the part one, she does the finishing bit.

had fitness today. almost died after not doing fitness for so long. sprints.

100m x 4

80m x 4

[40m x 3] x 3

[80m x 3] x 3

50m x 5

ok. something like that. i can't rmbr anymore.

its those moments when on the field, u're all wet, breathless, but you have to keep going because u see ur teammates infront of u; that that sacred part of ur mind starts to get activated. u start becoming logical yet self-motivating. no choice, but to go on.

the first game for the season is in a months time, and i've got lotsa work to do. i dun want to give myself excuses, but i think my knee might be one of the reason i can't go full out into my tackles. dun want to go into the technical stuff, coz i guess ultimately, it's all up to the mental. 

like i always say, once you've overcome ur weaknesses, they become ur strengths.

onto today's practical.

interesting. we got to remove and install the Cessna's starboard aileron. the AMM was like a 3 pointer to remove. hahas. and good to have small hands coz then, i put my hand through this small opening to align rod inside. and tmr, its the rudder! yea, and it's pouring outside when we're at it.

had a long wkend, plus a long day at school work on monday.

it was raining 70% of the time. so orders were in / out. but still wet in the rain.

first time posted to Punggol East hub in the afternoon. then went to Bedok Point to carry out my evening shift. and finally went to Downtown's hub to courier some stuff to the manager.

hahas. in the afternoon, spent some time talking about bikes while waiting for the rain to stop. trying out other riders' zheng-ed up bike.. and a super4. Ooo. ahhas. had a good time actually.

and hence, today, from all the full long days, i felt super duper tired. i was so tired that sleep > hunger.

i slept for the first 30mins of lunch time man! hahas. chuan also- my lunch partner. he's like me, but he's driving the van for his food catering company.

ok

to be brief..

sat's Singapore vs HK test match at yck stadium..

then was Carols by Candlelight in church.

(oh wait.) i think i've blogged my sat on the last post right? hahahahhas. gosh. been so absent minded these few days. aiya. but here's some of the photos!

and glad to have a photo with the remaining few classmates from Sunday School. ahhahas. (:

yea, and the 2 boys beside me are my kindergarden classmates! hahas. friends for about 20 yrs man.

in the past, it was about the colour pencils, scissors and glue.. now, we're talking about business, paths to take in life and etc. short but sweet catch-up! (:

my awesome girlfriends, with lynette's (extreme left) 3 month baby!

(missing my gym/dancing/swimming/running buddy ulrica)

and finally, trying out jerome's bike. fazer. how can i resist right. though its a 2B with speed card, it's still a fazer. and damn smooth. vs my spark, i can truly understand why my kup is aka a market bike. ahhas.

and yes. followed by a long h2h session over at serangoon gardens till about 3am.

then sunday morng was the SIM alumni/current bowlers bowling tournament. 8.30am.

very very very glad to be able to bowl with my best bowling buddy amanda. great to be bowling with the guys again. ahhas. missing all those times we had during sch trng... how we bet over food, drinks, pool, $.. everything. ahhas. was held at our usual trng ground, so it felt so nostalgic.

and then lunched together with her, sz, kok and his gf. 

then off to a very mudddyyyyyyyt trng while he had his league.

and dinner with the 2 of em' again! (: hanged out at parkway. they waited for me to get clean first and he drove me to and fro from dinner. 

what a simple great time we had on a rainy sunday. been so long since i've hung out with friends like that.

went home, KO-ed.

and one of the fun photos taken during last fri's annual IMF gift-exchange christmas dinner meetup.

(:

but, i just wanna....

though i think today, though i'm burnt, but i'm managing well.

i just want to thank God for everything. even for my downs.

its in such down times that we've really no where to go, but to go up.

been reading the ODJ. not very consistently, but whenever i do, i can sense that God is really trying to speak to me.... and on this day (see image below) it speaks about this lady on her dying bed. while she was saying her last words and trying to speak out her last wishes, it was all about ensuring that the people around her is fine and stuff like that. nothing much about her work, her job, the practical things that needed to be settled. 

so it did left me in wonder. 

though i wasn't really focused in my quiet time (as i was doing it in class before sch started), the message was strong. it did made me reflect about my life, my actions.

recently, i see drastic changes in my life.

in my attitude.

in my conduct.

in my thinking.

in my way of disciplining myself.

i'm probably not very proud of the life that i'm living right now. with the all struggles then i deem that are struggles that i'm facing right now.

i need a breakthrough. and its always the  new year  that gives us that imaginary boundary line to cross, get a drive, and start to make changes isnt it. and then, after one yr pass, we look back, reflect, and then realize the big deviation from our 'ideal life'-set-goals and then start to want to make that change again. a vicious cycle?

last wk..

drank before school. 

late for school.

very uncouth in my language.

and yesterday,  i actually took HALF DAY off sch just to go and work.

i mean, i finished my practical at like 1030am. and the teacher wanted to carry out the written test in the afternoon. so i asked the tchr if i was able to finish up the test before lunch and take half day. hahas. and the tchr being a typical rational and practical seasoned once-mechanic, he agreed. 

i mean if i dont do that, the whole day will be wasted by sleeping in class, playing itouch games, tolerating my classmates nonsense and free flow of vulgarities being sprouted across the classroom- friendly and unfriendly ones. so why not go out and make some money right.

but honestly, that's not the right thing to do though it might be a better way to optimize my time and gain money. if it was earlier this year, i would have scorned at my behaviour big time. 

idk.

but i'm quite afraid that i've just getting 'accustomed' by the worldly standards. i dont mean to want to define what the worldly standards are. but this is definitely not the life i want to lead and not how i want to lead by example.

ok. its 1.45am now. and i'm gg to reflect, pray and write more about these next time round. and i mean, since its gg to to end of the year and also a good platform for reflection right.

thanks for reading.

the guards. the safety mechanism

had a rather chillax saturday. not my usual saturday.
woke up to the need of no alarm.
went down to catch the sg vs hk test match.
then off to church for the annual Carols By Candlelight event.
suppered. then h2h with the old friends.
and now on my bed, back home after a cold and rainy night, with 30% batt left on my com.

well, i've got another bowling tournament in 4 hrs, and rugby trng in 12hrs.
i'm just gonna make this brief.



the h2h session was..... idk how to describe it. but it brings about many thoughts.





there's really nothing in this world that we can be so confident of. even no matter how confident we can be, seem to be, or want to be, we can't really never be that sure right. i believe that even in every competitive, focused say...sportsman, there's this part of ur brain that tells u no. ok. more like to prepare u for a setback, a fall/ just like a safety mechanism. how 'serviceable' this mechanism we've all subconsciously put it place is probably defined by the experiences and setbacks we personally face, or at least witness/ hear those that other ppl have faced right. the level and degree of it, we think we know, but honestly, no one knows.


no one truly knows all the shit boundaries we say we define for ourselves right.
we'll probably only know when it happens. either we go up or down and more often than not, in regret; due to the fact that we can never be 100% protected / guarded.



needs and wants.
we create our own needs and wants. to simply put it generally- textbook style, Marketing is all about creating needs and wants. its all these things around us that successfully place thoughts in our head. what we need. what we want. no matter how much we say we dont, with such visual input, how can we be so sure that we've rejected it totally.  Marketing simply rolls it up into a snowball effect, allowing such needs and wants to grow bigger and bigger as gravity and velocity take control.
and everything is so craftily done in an elegant, conspicuous, graceful, and eventually, underylying manner; just like a silent killer; an athletic ninja. we die, and we dont even know that we've died and why.




the world is nothing as we deem it seems.






really not trying to be very philosophical in any sense. but truths are always distorted, promoted to white lies. as we start to get older, everything gets diluted. the experiences we have always seem to gets all the credit. but all these experiences are probably the cause of such dilution, loosing its concentrated faith and confidence. and as we mentally gather up the experiences in our own set of database, it tabulates and evaluations everything, constant-sum it all and eventually, we arrive at and infinity solution; perfect dilution. everything that we've believed in, trained for, or being taught so dilligently when we're young, becomes so small minute particles that can be passed off as insignificant, and to a point, non-existant.



ok. i may not fully comprehend the point that i'm trying to bring our here, or if i really do have a point.
maybe, the point is, there's no point.
perhaps, we can set some caution and warning signs in accordance with our own set of promising standards. but shit happens. and we it happens, we have to deal with it. we fall, we stand. period. our perception constantly changes, no matter how much we want it to or not.
deception.
we'll only know tt it's deception when, we've been deceived. some probably, even knowing that its a big deception, doesn't know that they've been deceived. deception then becomes another meaning; a whole new development plan that we think its best for us.



idk, but i'm trying not to be confused in life coz there's really no need or demand to be so.
but sometimes, its really such thoughts that validates our safety mechanism.
its such safey buoys that cushions our fall. we still fall, but we can survive it to live another day and perhaps, grow stronger from such another fall. humanly, we're all very selfish people because thats how we adapt to survive and brave through the conditions that the world has set for ourselves. in the past, the very very distant past, its probably the forceful natural winds, mountains, rains, wild animals that has brought about positive human change so that we can be adapted to survive and carry on. now, its probably all these on-going news, marketing, social media, competition that starts to further spurr on human development. we do have our morals. but all these will just shift accordingly to how the society defines no mater strong headed an individualist may be.



nothing is ever true.
nothing should be ever true.







that's y, as Christmas draws near, i want to slow down and earnestly thank God for the birth of Jesus.
knowing that he's gonna to be sending His Son to die on the cross, go through all the pain, and as self-inflicting as it may seem, its only though His blood that we can be cleansed from all unrighteousness. ok. i dont think i wanna go into the biblical context here coz i pretty much have minimal understanding towards such things for now. but i just want to be thankful, appreciative and be someone that God and look upon with a smile.
its not about being sin-free, but i just wanna be real and true.

high on APU

ok. so after last night, damn high whole day.
think i embarrassed myself in school today, whole day. but through that, accidentally made friends with ppl from other class. hahas. yea. and even talked to the big boss like as if he's my friend. what courage.



also, the first time that i took half day leave off sch just because i woke up late. hahas. my phone was on silent! ahhas. efforts from all the friends who cared about me and my student life and gave me the morng missed calls wasted! hahas. but thanks guys! but sigh. no more perfect record.




and today's practical module on APU. ahhas. quite fun coz we had to remove a number of components out of the APU. and was quite proud of myself coz i was still able to meddle with the small nuts with such a state of mind. and though i think i should technically be the most fatigue one of all in class today, i managed to still attempt to follow the amm and think about everything properly while the other half of the class went back to the classroom to sleep since after lunch time. hahas. but i know i was still super high.

and of course, a very proud self-shot of me, with the APU and the 2 guys were patiently working on the APU with me. ahhas looking #seriouslysane i'm sure. hahas

it felt abit like during those enginechange nights at Shaeco. just that its more small-scaled and in a more comfortable environment with better lighting. hahas

and the finally, the 2 poor planes that's out in the sun and rain for months has finally been towed into the hangar! now the hangar's starting to look more like a hangar.

and so. i owe quite an explanation for my highness right. hahas. high-ness.

as mentioned before, been struggling recently about things and issues that i just want to run away from. its not part of a big escapism plan, but more like an area/issue of life that i just do not want to meet with yet.


and it just keeps coming.
#affairsoftheheart. what pains.





so last night, since its the oh-its-the121212day, decided to (finally) hang out with some of my touch girls at butterfac.... after a notsofriendly day at work.
hahas. well, it was between that and Play on thurs (today). hahahahhahahas.
actually more so, i just needed a night to waste away. a night to drown myself and just abuse alcohol to untangle and reboot my whole emotional system that i want to get rid of.

and finally one of the good reasons for being a girl, its ladies night so its free. and free flow of alcohol. and shots gg at $1 per shot in dozens. hahas. one of my friends got 3 dozens. hahas. mad and potent. i think i downed like 8 over shots. i can't rmbr.


actually, i dont really rmbr the night.
all i know is that my tolerance for alcohol not so fantastic anymore since i've started riding. all i rmbr starting with one vodka and immediately finishing off one glass of asahi. what a lethal combi. halfway through the beer, i was surprise to feel the effect alrdy. then it was the shots and more vodka in jugs.


vividly, i had glimpse of the night. met a few other friends in the club as well. hahas
and i rmbr bumping into ben whom i've worked together with in my poly days and according to my friends, we did pushups outside the club and toliet which of course, i would want to deny it.


music was good.
never liked music that loud or places that made no sense...
but the company was great and we had fun.




and soon i was in a cab with bel home. and i vividly rmbring the cab uncle (who left) u-turning back to ask my friend to make sure that i was able to get up home. hahahahahas. so sweet the uncle.
and of course, all not-sober ppl will be in denial to say that they're fine. at that point, though i felt  my life was so wasted away, wasting precious time sleeping, and STILL dilligently rmbring that she has a apu/gas turbine practical the next morning, i didn't want to go home. i just wanted to soak up in my lost wonder. let everything evaporate into thin air, just like how the alcohol is seeping into my blood vessels by the second.




after much persuasion from the student in me, i made it home. and once through my door, i stumbled and fell flat. heing was mother poon asleep by then. then i let my subconscious self take control of attending to the daily needs of bathing, changing into good clean clothes and then fall into slumber.
but if u'd ask me to recall, honestly, i can't rmbr everything too clearly.
hahas. but looking back at my twits, it was hilarious man. i totally dont rmbr myself tweeting or msging ppl. what a disgrace.




and so. 9am i woke.
still very confident that alcohol was still very much in my blood. but no headache. none of those bad hangover signs.... my body probably has a skill to cope hard and fast. quite good. that's about 5 hrs since all the consumption. i contemplated on riding my bike coz i was even stumbling to put the key into the starter. on my bike i rode and it felt so wobbly. uncontrollably out of my estate, i did some corners and brave maneuvers which idk whr i got that courage and skill from... but i know i shouldnt be proud of it. and so early in the morng, at the first traffic light, there was an accident at the junction... with ambulance all. i was reminded not to be reckless.
so i made it safe to sch.
and didn't feel sleepy!
perhaps the alcohol allowed me to have one good, but short sleep.




what a night.
and what a carried forward day.





drowning ur sorrows with alcohol's not the best way to solve ur probs, but scientifically, it does have some stress-relieving effects or like better cardiovascular effects. ahhas.
somehow, it seems that it has helped me to unveil some uncertainties and the myriad chains of thoughts.
and i just want to thank God for that time i had.

fluctuating swings

whoas. moody poony today.

idk but it's starting to seem like i get very affected by my own mood swings, especially before and after my period. ahhas. i rather it be the conventional 'during'. u know like 3 wks vs 1 wk.

actually i dont think its just moodswings.
hahas. i'm either starting to get unreasonable or just very illogical.
sometimes it scares me.


ok. maybe its just the monday blues and i'm irritated.

sometimes being the nice and caring person takes a huge toil on u huh.
in another light, let's just say that one is either perfectionistic or idealistic.
as we grow older, before we know it, we're giving ourselves more leeway, room for error, blatant excuses. i cannot really identify the exact cause for it, but i guess as we move on, the whole 'being disciplined' thing gets overlooked because why, we're more matured.... and all that's just excuses or rather, reasons to comfort our own ego.



we attributed our decision-making skills to the life experiences that mould us; however failing to recognize that our values and principles still do exist, but clouded with the respective excuses which aka. reasons.
yea yea, one coin, 2 flip slide. but do we really know what these 2 flipsides represent?
sometimes, just like rugby, what we really need for an effective attack is, time and space.
time gives us that period to arrive at a constant equilibrium; weighing out our plus and minus, and be in sync with its external environmental pressures.
space gives us that area to think and explore the possibilities and outcomes to better make an appropriate decision. may not be the best. but best at that point of time; well, coz no economic environment and hence, condition is ever the same right.






everything else is debatable.
whatever that sounds more convincing with a tinge of comfort to the human conscience.
everything else seem fine.






what then, governs it?







(and my favourite phrase)
what makes.








then again, just be wary.
do not let it change u. generally.
i mean, what are the possibilities. infinite. but to be technical about it, Organizational Behaviour (in Business Marketing) has covered the fact that its our inner guiding intrinsic principles that... well, guides us. hahas. self-explainatory, but we have probably underestimated the level of importance that our total well-being depends on this. then we let ourselves fall into the fallacies of Man in general. we start to loose ourselves coz there's this conflict between our own true governors and who we really thinks governs us.




nothing is really consistent anyway.




i dun really have a point to sound out here coz right now, i myself have set some tapes as unnecessary harnesses around me, tangling up myself with everything. all i can say that in life, there's really not much more we can do but to be positive and look forward.
we can't change the situation, but we can change ourselves. 
as cliche as it may sound, its probably the best summation being weighed out and really, the biggest enemy is ourselves. not really enemey as per se, but that giant, that big hurdle that we've set ourselves up for it. once crossed, we'll be stronger. but only to face another level up. #challengeaccepted.







oh wells. i can go on. but i think i need my sleep.
gd nite.
dun let urself slip into the world.

the small significant difference

ok. today morng, i had the Kampong Chai Chee Bowling Open. hahas. been so long since i competed in a bowling tournament. it was a 3 game series. 1st game was a bad 138. didn't know what i line i was hitting and stuff... been so long since i've bowled on lane with such strong back-end. but soon, got into the competition mode and bowled climbed abit to 175 and 161. not that fantastic. but after not bowling for almost a year, i should be thankful at least i still can rmbr most of my routine and mental process. first time ever sparing a 7-4-5 spilt. tyco like mad. and it happened on the 10th frame so it was worth it.


hahas. and so, i won the Women's High Game that comes along with $50 CASH. (:
not too proud of it coz 175 its supposed to be likka avg score rather than a high score. hahas. i mean coz the competition level wasn't too high la. i should be fighting for the high series with the Mens.. coz ladies got 10 pin hcp. but i guess my form's not there to get even near.
the lady who lost to me had her high game of 172. hahas. she must be cursing me. 3 pins only to $50.

so all was good.
$50 for winning. $10 ntuc voucher for sparing some funny pins (the 'emcee' was gg around distracting/ challenging ppl and stuff like that). free atas catered food. free bowling. and fun.
so thank you.


the guy who bowled the same lane as me got 3rd with a 190 avg. he bowls in the SIA league! his dad's from SIA. he's gg to study aerospace though he wants to be a pilot and all. hahas! small world. haha. and he won himself 2 printers! both for the first to bowl 4 strikes in a row and a above 200 game respectively. hahhas. lucky shit.

yea. after tt, went for rugby trng.
had a good session actually. and after finally being able to go back gymming recently, i think it did help in my form.

and from Gene (on attack about commiting ur defender) today, today:

"The space that we left is the space we just created for ourselves."

profound indeed.

schools been ok.
at the new hangar... this this is lunch at the old ST canteen.

life's been kind.
but still, i could have have been up in the mountains now if its not for sch.
breathing mountain air everyday. eating farming food.
sleeping in confidence that that insects won't bite at night.
battling out the cold but be warmed again with the next golden morning sun.
being close to, God.
that's all i need.

i've really lost myself in this materialistic world.





-









lastly.
idk what to say anymore.
initially i had a long list of things to say.
lotsa ideas to share.
but in its train of thoughts, i've lost its meaning.



"The space that we left is the space we just created for ourselves."




indeed.



it doesn't just apply to rugby but to our lives as well i guess.




maybe i'm just not meant for all these after all.
i'm still struggling, but i'm struggling to get out of it.
maybe all these silence and break would give me space to adjust myself to where i really belong and not be saturated with... with thoughts that dont matter eventually.


well, i'm coping better that i expected myself to do so.
painful. sharp.
but its just how a knife gets sharpened right. do i even need to explain further.





haha. funny how its always such a break.then bowling tournament almost immediately. then a high game.
literally, practically, twice.