life is so unexpecteted.

today when i was doing Gate duty, ms sheku walked passed.
i told her that i won't be going for wed's trng coz of sch field trip, coz juz to inform her incase she looks for me and all. the response i got...
"WADS UR PROBLEM?...U ALWAYS LIKE THAT ONE." *rolled her eyes and walked away*. i then later, rolled eyes away.

it was infront of my juniors, trainees and some exco. well. actually, i was ok. duh. its like only a small freakin casual remark lar.

later on. after bringing late girls to sng, i left gate duty. needed to b alone to think b4 gg up for class.



then started feeling hurt and cried. up to class. mrs chang walked pass, and asked me if i'm ok. mrs sng who was in class asked me go wash face. so yea. i did.
typical lars.





i duno wads all these. i dun understand y i brokedown like that. then i rmbred melissa, my last yr exco, my senior. so looked at me and told me not to bottle up anything and cry if i want to.
reflected on it. then during maths, knew the reason lar.


its like so many things happening. i duno. juz too many. my heart physcially aches. here i am blogging.. there my mum cleaning the window, saying, "u all dun wanna help me. if i fall now u happy right? if only dad dun die, one of u die..,"
like wth. yea lar, she's not like in her sad sad crying mode now, so jk i guess. but heys. mother right.


looked at it this way lar. i'm no longer Marian whom i used to me. i havve to b happy. i need to b happy. without that veil, ppl who are not really close to me come up to me and ask me if i'm ok and all. i dun like that. dun ask y. if my close friends ask me, i'll share. but others, i duno.
perhaps this is the selfish way of takking it. dwang it man. dwang it.

perhaps i've found the reason why i keep playing the guit lately? its like i duno mans. i nv cry due to ultra bottled up sadness b4 and all lar. i wanna b happy. but if lets say 50 scissors come and hit ur veil, or burst out the bottle cap, wun't u reveal and pour everything out?





i duno how to thank God for letting my God go.
simply juz duno how to.



and, i've mentioned it b4, i duno if dad is in heaven. i dun know.



argh argh argh. having that urge to type that colourful 4 letter word man. argh. poo poo man. poo poo.


i'm triggered by ms sheku today. and coincidentally, mr lim called me to ask how am i. i miss him man. miss him as a tchr in charge, miss him as a big brother.
this will affect my relationship wif God lar. i question Him.

You kknow that there is God. You know that He is there. But. Is it Really so? issit. its easy to say yes. it is. wad if that tsunami strikes sg, w/o summtra? and like only 10 singaporeans are alive, one of them is u, the rest are strangers. are u stil gonna hold that Bible of urs and say, thank u God for today? some will. me i'm not there yet. my faith is not strong.
i question Him. why does He take dad away? i need my happineess back. i want a complete family.


i want a complete family.
i want a complete family.






i hate this. i dislike it.