ok. i'm so dumb. i blog about yd first.


after dance. met ngel to go change guit strings. changed mine at novelty music. $17.50. ahaha. argh. but was gd. but i dun like the strings. old and new.. coz they are like super hard.. then play for awhile,... fingers are really painful lor.
nigel changed his electric at city music. i must tell all music loers to go there lors. super cool. there's this acoutic guit.. by Martins. $2,079
i tried on it. tell u man. the feeling is like superb. like whoa. i play guit never have this feeling lor. nigel tried it too. he liked it too. haha. crazy man. i won't buy it. coz its to precious to be in my home. ahha. should buy for church use. only those playing for service or whatsoever, can use man. sound quality, woul give it a 8/10/ feeling...9/10.
then i saw this electric lead guit. its $300! i love it. i like the colour and all. its cheaper than my current one. wasted. nigel should have brought me there b4 i bought my electric. ahha. but nvm, i stil love mine!
after tt went church. ws so tired. and felt sick. kept coughing each time i sing. but after that ok.


today.. late for service by 1 min. haha. went wif mama. then after that ate at pp. and then study at macs. didn't go airport. ahah. did not much work. slept for 1hr. i wasted today lors. then the guys came. then we went to meet char grace and eveleen they all.. eat dinner. then took neoprints. today is a very laughign day.


ok. on sat. i did something stupid. i deleted my msn. so sads. then tried to d/l, canoo!. said some bug 1603 in my com. so i'm trying to d/l other version. ahha
so currently surving on sis' com.
sis is nice today. she bought that waving cheena cat hand. haha. yar and seh allow me use her com.



ok. amongst all these., i wanna thank God for giving me a break on sat. didn't touchm my bks at all. felt so worried. ahahah. hmms.
nxt wk sch. pray that it'll be a gd wk and i'll learn how o focus more. yup. that's all



i love my church friends. i miss my sch friends. i love my family. hmms. wonders how's gary doing at pulu ubin. i think. hmms.. with my bagpack. haha

i thank God for today.


finally.



one person who shockingly made an impact is XIAO HUI!. was still in my argh state. then i ask her. tell me.. wad motivate u to study?


"i guess we all work so hard, is not for us. (pause). it is all for God"



I've neglected this amongst all this point. i have to get back into my there-goes-marian mode.



so today. went to shss invest. felt like some big star. was walking in the carpark. then a whole grp of them shouted "marian poon!" haha.
its been 4 yrs. and they still recognise me! yay.
name tags are gd stuff eh. u walk around in sch, with name tags, ppl see u and they'll know u. rather than juz the fact tt i know that ur from my sch. with the badge. i can identify u wif so and so.


ok. so was out wif jaq after invest to walk. jian jie asked for my no. abit shokcing. yar. but ok.

then had cell. wasn't in any mood for cell. was juz so tired byt his wk.
then had dinner. walked around. to esplanade.

was a very romantic place by the river. should have brouhgt my camera. really. its super awww to go out there wif a guy at night. pure thoughts lar. ok.

then went home. sloggered my feet up the stairs.







this wk. i guess been one of the toughiest week. its like nothing seems to go well. than God for those who msg me lar. one of which is ** . yar. he somehow knew that i wasn't feeling well lar. so was touched by his msg.

was sick ytd. in sch. very sick, pissed wif almost everything. so there goes another breakdown. today still wf the flu. hopefull wll be gone.





in total. brokedown 2 times this wk. a record lor. dad passed away also not so stressed till like that. i miss dad.


seriously, that pillar of strongness seems to be missing. and i'm very empty. the house is still.. so argh. the hdb flat like got no life.
dad. come back in human lar. u realy can change this world. when will i get over u. when.

being a nice singaporean, i uninstalled Kazza.


all my 500 over songs gone.


gone
gone
gone



my hillsongs. the songs i recorded for Dennis during his worship for his upcoming bday. all gone.



this is so so so bad.

i'm losing too many things. to many things that worth sentimental vaules. argh. pissed. super very.



juz as i was getting better.







juz pray that com dun crash. coz all my pics inside.

my string broke. my red guit. i shan't touch my electric.


nigel broke his too. hmms. issit the weather? or issit me?






eeek. i'm being cold.













but, i thank God for bowling. for the friends. as well as my church pals. thank u.-

life is so unexpecteted.

today when i was doing Gate duty, ms sheku walked passed.
i told her that i won't be going for wed's trng coz of sch field trip, coz juz to inform her incase she looks for me and all. the response i got...
"WADS UR PROBLEM?...U ALWAYS LIKE THAT ONE." *rolled her eyes and walked away*. i then later, rolled eyes away.

it was infront of my juniors, trainees and some exco. well. actually, i was ok. duh. its like only a small freakin casual remark lar.

later on. after bringing late girls to sng, i left gate duty. needed to b alone to think b4 gg up for class.



then started feeling hurt and cried. up to class. mrs chang walked pass, and asked me if i'm ok. mrs sng who was in class asked me go wash face. so yea. i did.
typical lars.





i duno wads all these. i dun understand y i brokedown like that. then i rmbred melissa, my last yr exco, my senior. so looked at me and told me not to bottle up anything and cry if i want to.
reflected on it. then during maths, knew the reason lar.


its like so many things happening. i duno. juz too many. my heart physcially aches. here i am blogging.. there my mum cleaning the window, saying, "u all dun wanna help me. if i fall now u happy right? if only dad dun die, one of u die..,"
like wth. yea lar, she's not like in her sad sad crying mode now, so jk i guess. but heys. mother right.


looked at it this way lar. i'm no longer Marian whom i used to me. i havve to b happy. i need to b happy. without that veil, ppl who are not really close to me come up to me and ask me if i'm ok and all. i dun like that. dun ask y. if my close friends ask me, i'll share. but others, i duno.
perhaps this is the selfish way of takking it. dwang it man. dwang it.

perhaps i've found the reason why i keep playing the guit lately? its like i duno mans. i nv cry due to ultra bottled up sadness b4 and all lar. i wanna b happy. but if lets say 50 scissors come and hit ur veil, or burst out the bottle cap, wun't u reveal and pour everything out?





i duno how to thank God for letting my God go.
simply juz duno how to.



and, i've mentioned it b4, i duno if dad is in heaven. i dun know.



argh argh argh. having that urge to type that colourful 4 letter word man. argh. poo poo man. poo poo.


i'm triggered by ms sheku today. and coincidentally, mr lim called me to ask how am i. i miss him man. miss him as a tchr in charge, miss him as a big brother.
this will affect my relationship wif God lar. i question Him.

You kknow that there is God. You know that He is there. But. Is it Really so? issit. its easy to say yes. it is. wad if that tsunami strikes sg, w/o summtra? and like only 10 singaporeans are alive, one of them is u, the rest are strangers. are u stil gonna hold that Bible of urs and say, thank u God for today? some will. me i'm not there yet. my faith is not strong.
i question Him. why does He take dad away? i need my happineess back. i want a complete family.


i want a complete family.
i want a complete family.






i hate this. i dislike it.

i watched SHALL WE DANCE today. ahha cool man.

so inspiring. makes me wanna mprove my posture. and have more passion in ballet. ahah. j lo is hot. and that english lady who sent her costume for washing was chio man. ahha. inspiring. the oold man is charming. ahhah. hmms..grace and i had the feeling of learniing ballrm dancing nxt yr. HARS.

reminds me of sat. sat tap, was supa cool man. irish. ahh. buay tahan. so coool the dance. feel like video tapping it. ah

so anyways. today, didn't study at all. not at all. whole day out. from next wk onwrds, no more. aha. yup. wll try and see how.

been playing the guit alot lately. not sure y. haha. later i die.. choy choy . no lar. 0




//inside me, confusion. in and out. no confidence. no commitent. dun feel marian lately. its not her. its that veil of one's.//

oh wells.

today i played for teens time! and b4 that, i wanna thank Nigel for teaching me sooo much stuff man.
then was tellling him about through it all. another more pro and nice version.
then today worship, by Adeline, have the song! was happy. and i knew, God wanted to speak thourgh that song lar. coz i duno y i have ben practising the song alot. ahha. then today i applied!.
and also, for the song All who are Thirsty, they sudden;y change the key, also thanks to nigel, was able to play in E instead of G, w/o paper and a more pro version. haha. so happy. =),
i thank God overall.
i got 4 tu dis for guits liao. amy, marc, avriel, leon? yup. haha. not sure if there's a 5th one. nigel betta helpe me wif this. ahhaa. so happy. =) i'm serving God!

i thank God for charmaine. also duno y. but thank God for her.

today Gary go kayaking. then suddenly in the afternoon felt like msging him. so msg him. haha. i guess he's safe and sound? coz juz saw him online? haa. funny lar he.

thank God for Ulrica. thank God for andria. thank God for those who came for teens time today! thank God for new ppl. thank God for Eveleen who treated me dinner coz of low cash flow. love my cousin.




dun wanna take o levels! rawr

cool eh. its glass. worth less than $4. =)

today, went to study wif sara. at 6pm. brain couldn't function liao. ahha. cannot absorb.

ok. i did my quiet time in the airport. today's one was about worship and subsequently, i realised that wad Neale said about making God smile was all in the purpose driven life bk. yay.n our first purpose.

i learny terribly lot today man.

worship can take a form of anything. like if u work, and u turly dedicate ur work to God, u are worshipping Him. u are pleasing him.
then as for worship part, so many ppl got misconception. like when u say, "i like today's worhip" is technically kinda wrong. because, we worship God everyday if we put our center of focus on Him in every of our wrk. be it attentively listening to sermon. its also worshipping God. the bk says that if u say like "i've learnt alot from todays' worship", its not right. but personally, i think that yes, we can learn from worship, but make sure its not our purpose, because we have to worship him focusedly.

haha. was alot lar. the bk pointed out something. like.. if worship is all about music, then are u tryign to say that nonmusicians cannot worship God? ahha,the bk staedy ar.
so much thigns to learn man. this bk, really open so many doors lors. slow worship songs, praise and worship songs are all misconceptions. we juz name them lar. but its not really right. coz worship, really, depends on the heart.
ahha. thanks ar Lord. steady lar u.





okok. to sean.
its hard to tell u online lar. but basically, i think u'll read this. erms.. dun be hurt of wad i say ok. rmbr, marian is an ah beng k.
hmms. i think really, u should put ur focus onto ur work and prefects or anything. coz i'm not a right focus for u. chill. and btw, u really freaked me out ytd. coz it was really scary lar. coz me, this ah beng, is the super straightforaward one. and i dun really like erm, listening to all those romeo kinda words.
dun be hurt.
i understand how u feel. i've been into that situation b4. definitely. u need self control. self disciline.
hmms.. i'm trying to put it nicely all here. coz u know lar, i'm a veyr blunt person, so hope u dun get so affected.
i know that if u like a person. u wll -ai wu ji wu- one. aha. (cheng yu cheng yu!). ahha okok. i know it wun be a burden to u and all. but i, personally, feel that its a burden to u. u do not know it. its a self-conscious kinda thing.
its complex lar. the heart sometimes dun work wif the mind. but really, marian dun really like erm.. super pleasetn thigns. like as in things that those super girly girls in cine likes lar. the most extreme girl thing i like is erm market flowers? haha.i'm the more obiang kind. i guessed u would have figured it out.
like ytd lar, really. was taken aback. coz i'm not da, i love u. u love me kinda person. i'm the oie! kkind of person. hmms. i can't express much through words lar. if u want me to talk about i love u ulove me kinda thing, lugy worse.
its not me. serious.
and pls pls pls. do me a favour. STUDY! o levels! u said smth about not taking o levels ytd.. err.. u not? y? haha. okko
but seriously,, can try not to flow out so much romantic language, coz i abit buay tahan.
u understand right? sorry lar, can't express much. can't express properly.

hmms. and pls ar, try not to have any judgement on sas ppl ar. erms, i not saying u have lar, but ur blog...... yar. so haah. they are all my hao peng you. really. so thanks ar. =)
smile alrights. can work hard towards... erm.. trying to leave my life. =). and erms, dun see my buziness as trying to aviod u. coz marian wun be so heartless. ya. tc






ok. hope this didn't sound too harsh.




i wanna go and screeeeammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. talk. shout. dwang on my guits.

nice nice. ahhaha. prominent ar. haha

on the verge.


today siaow man. slept so much in class. for ss test, it was hopeless. 2 essay in 20mins. nothing to say. i duno anything.
i felt so so dumb. and i slept. i went to apologised to mrs tan.
whole day, felt that i was so inbalanced.
so wrong.
couldn't focus at all. very disappointed. i've disappointed so many teachers. i'm sorry.

after that, guitar.then met mama to go chinatown. first time there. was walking. bought a sign saying POON MARIAN. so its like the road signs lar. wil take a pic and upload here eventually.
ok. then went to parkway to eat.
then went home.

i still dun get it leh. i feel that papa has affected me in some way which i dunno. something in me is gone. i guess my confidence level has dropped. my burdens rise kinda thing. and the house still feels empty.
argh. if he really like die die must leave this world, he should at least leave after i work. or mayb o levels? wrong timing lar. and i dun think he knows that i'm in triple science yet. hars.


but anyways. i thank God for stumbling over andrew's blog. nice song. that made me think about God. about how He has blessed me n all. ahah. and the cool drums pics.
so anyways. ya. nothing to say.

hmmss.

today. is a very on and off day.

mama bought some ginko stuff. ate it, supposed to make me feel more engetic during class.. but contridictingly, i slpet for like 4 periods in a row until it was maths. haha. talk about energy giving stuff man.ahha.
but towards the end, had a wonderful english lesson, right 4/6? ahhahaa, chinatown girl. coz i was in my ah beng position, then she say when she look at me, it reminded her of chinatown. ok-.


after that, rushed for trng at victors. kao. spoke to uncle jeffery, uncle jack and all. so many POLITICS! buay tahan. as u all know, my sch bowling cca goona crash and all.. and there's more behind it. much much much more lor.
and the new tchrs in charge, wanted the coaches to call her ms ____. so ergh. horrendously horrifying. there's more internal probs which i can't say. the team does not know too. argh.
right, caring sch that excels. yea man. so true ah.. ok. sarcasim. okok.
bowling was fine lar. thought i'd bowled more worse coz i didn't bowl since 20 nov. aha. but it turned out fine. yay.
took a cab for ballet. was late. ballet at 545. trng ended at 530. so yea. felt cheated. coz the taxi dunno y count me $2.50 extra ok. so broke now.


then on the way home from ballet, was being approached.

haha. marian, kenna approached? ahha. ok. from vjc, he said was from msh. he like wanted to make friend and all. and what more, i was alone. eeee. aha. we toked alot? coz he asked alot? he's a swimmer, 8 pointer, msh, vjc, tampines, but stay in drops off at simei.
haha. alot ar. but ok lar. i felt so mian qiang lor. stranger."mummy say dun tok to stranger". ok. but he claims he knows janice, my junior, thinking that i was her junior. ahha. ok was wierd. so wierd.

went home. then guit, tv, food and now com. haha. so haven touch that ton and pile of hw. ahha. kinda afraid. haha. pray that the "energy-giving" stuff will give me energy. aha.



for studying part, haven been touching anything for o levels. mostly struggling to complete hw.this is v bad lor. i'm scared, but yet still succumbed to laziness. ppl out there, pls stress me. make me more worried to have a heavier drive. aha. dun say i hardwoarking. i'm not.
=)


i'm excitied for sat! nigey teaching me more lead guit stuff! yay! God of wonders!!

wanted to do this. but haven started. haha. reason to y mon cannot is because of mrs sng. ahha. cute eh

me, geraldyne, sara. ahha. trying to be like studious. haha. see the calculaors and spects. i borrowed mine from bridget. aha. we took a long time to be serious, for the shot. ahha.

haha. i'm dead. wait till mrs sng sees this in her bks man.

Happy Birthday Elizabeth Seah, Nigel, Kevin, Cindy(tml>!!!

haha. ok. another bday day.
busy. gary has to go soon. so yea.

ok. been bz and so tie-ed down by everything. ahha. so bloggies are less too.

friday.
major day.
its da installation. was gd. prefects was gd coz of the pledge thing. yea. got the "whoa" from the audience thing. yay. felt a big encouragement wnad huge reminder now that i have a exco badge. hwhaa. pressure. no lar. nice nice.
after that. was prefect board mtng.

needed to do a chop chop one. i sounded that i broke their hopes man. grr. gate and dc really failure leh. but yes, we'll pick ourselves up. but the prob is that we keep giving ourselves excues that its the 2nd wk and all. but prefects. the chosen ones. for sure, we all have something in us, us in man. don't let it to waste. wif tthe status of prefects, its an honour lor. like we can now ask ppl to button up and all w/o being asked that y even a student is askin me to do so kinda thing lar. ok. its like v long sentence. nvm.
during mtng, i wanted to stand up and roar k. like piang super pissed with eveything. exco wasn't gd too.
after mtng, was our grp tuition. sara was very down and needed to be alone. so she was crying. didn't know wad to say and how to help her. so yea. but later was all ok.

but during tuition. i felt super stupid. circular measure. couldn't do so many. then also, wrong ans, i dun bother to try again,. but at least i make sure i know the concept lar.



sat.
made new ppl in church. one of which is timothy. great bball playr. and daniella, daniel wong, leticia, all pron ppl one. sioaw one. then after teens time and all..some of us went to airport to send ppl off. suan hui leaving again for france, will be back 6 mths later. cass, leacing for big apple, back in may.
goona missed these 2 very speccial ppl. i thank God for cass. she's been like supporting ppl lar. like ppl of all sorts. she has that thing in her that shines damn brightly. steady man.


sun.
today. service. then eve's house. played more than hw. watched the dance dvd. so yea.





okok. so i better make my stand.. wait wait. whah. i beeter say this.
from now on, i think blogging will be lesser. but there'll be more pics to erm.. describe my day? its easier lar ahha. see first. yup.


streesed wif ballet now. and time management!! alot of prioritiing to do man. ahha. so yea.


God bless me and SAV!. aha. it rhymes.




cass leaving. =(


suan hui leaving.=(


ben ho again. he is excitied.


ben ho ben ho.


avriel avriel his t shirt


look like dm er.. haha. crap. demi ong's new cool n funky spects


dun look like me right. haha


cass and i. she leaving today. =(


SAV! yay.


sas sec


the seniors.


the 4 of us. marian, sara, gera, nat.


exco and mrs sng n mrs sim


the whole board. =


so straight. haha.


trainee prefect badges


me n sara.. finally, a nice shot.


senior executive prefect

grrr. its been a while time since marian has blog.

sec 4 liao. lost man. ballet, prefects, studies, bowling. dun seem to go as planned.

ballet. canot rmbr steps. exam coming soon. dun think will be prepared to face the examiner. screw up. pray not.

bowling. mr jega seems to be like obstructing us for trng. objection to trng at victors and pocket bowl. thinks that coach wanted it at those places coz of alliance?! then strongly wants back tampines which is fully book. and touranment is in 2 months. w/o trng. nice eh.
last yr, started trng madly in dec. till nationals. this year. hoho. its like becoming february.

studies. struggling to do juz hw. kao lor. its not even struggling yo do my own revision. when it comes to quiet time, i do till slp. nv absord and no input.

prefects. tomorrow invest. and i dun think i'll make a gd exco. hars. so many probs for Gate and DC. mrs sng seems to be cool about it which make me feel so bad lar. argh. new system seems to be rocky. but it'll be gd. juz dun know how long it'll take. "its the 2nd wk." this is like a reason and excuse for all lar.
i also not sure myself. i'm more of straight forward, and gun-ho. why do ppl be like "oh-no.-its-an-ant!" that kind of attitude. like super girli-fied and alll lar. eeee!. screech*. hars. tml, i'm worried. feels so confirmation-ish. wahha. grrrrrr.... court shoes tmr. prays it dun rain.

mr pang in CGH 29-20. dengue fever. he lives in the bedok estate too. so yea. haha. when he was sick, already was liek jk said.. i think u have dengue. then all the ava ppl say no lar.. adn all. hwha. i'm right. and no, i'm not cursing him.
visited him on tue and today. tues was kinda bad? he was super red and talked very softly, like no energy. feel so sad for him. then today, was better, but he say no appittie. but his blood palates are getting higher. which is gd lar.
hmms. CGH. the memoraies of how i fight with the staff for taking stupid temperatures when everyhting was in a rush. the memoraries of sis and i wondering around till simei mrt when he was slping. the horryifying nightmares lar.

like ppl onthe bed. ppl having hopes. but cgh ppl are so inefficient. to me lars. that's y i wanna be a doc. impliment much new rules and more considersate plans for the welfare for all.

but. there the trng agency busniess in my head. so i'mm still kidna not clear. which is bad.

doctor? trainer?

grrr. this should be my focus now lar. in class, duno why, teacher say smth, i cannot apply. canot learn. canot absorb. horrible feeling.

6 points leh. i so can get lar.

struggling




.

need not say much. happy little mask.




-

pissed.

for the bowling schedule, i've planned it accordance to last yr. 4 times a wk. tue, wed, thurs, fri. one hr was minused off for trngs at victors. so its 2 hrs.

lanes are booked by uncle jeffery. due to the lateness of planned trngs, boooking of lanes are very difficult. actually, we cannot even train at victors coz there was totally no lanes, until uncle jeff had to neogtiate to have a pathetic 4 lanes for all sch team bowlers.

and for sure, you all will grumble.."why only 4 lanes?"

regarding the change to pocket bowl, it is because of the same reason. tampines is booked totaly. by alot of pri schs. so we couldn't even go there so pocket bowl was one of the nearest bowling alleys. so he chose them. booking all done my him. stop complaining about it. stop making noise. pls think lor. y do u keep blaming us?

and for the no. of trngs. yes its tiring. but y are u complaining to theis extent? u even asked me to re-shedule! u think its easy issit. i had to grasp the soft copy from aunty elena, and edit it (last yr's schedule) asap and pass it back to them. and u still go and complaining.

" why so much trng,. its outrageous........"

kao. u know how i felt anot? its not about the work that i've done. but the passion. when we were in sec 3s. i rmbred cleary that we were delighted. esp wif 3hrs, one per lane and all. this yr o levels. i understand. but hellos. i too have o levels. i have my tuitions. i have to skip lunches. what's there to complain about. if we dun win this yr, bowling will officially close down ok. think about it. issit worth it to keep thinking that u are tired.

if i give u lasser, u all will complain. then if we dun win, u all will blame the coaches for not trng u all hard enough. for less trng hrs.



and somemore, u even added on.."you also have to think about us lar"


paing. so u mean that all those trngs is i any how go do it one meh. on sunday, i called uncle jack to ask him if thre's any trng for 2005. he scolded me like hell. liek wad.. as capt, i'm suposed to produce a workplan and alll. schedule trngs, book stuff and all. i felt so irresponsible lar. so immediiately, i called uncle jeff to help.

and u still complaing.


u all must be thinking, i've stepped down and y i still doing so many things. frankly speaking, the things that i'm doing now are actually not to be done by captains ok. its actually done my teachers. mr lim left. ms tan came in. as a new tchr to sports somemore. i have to guide her as well. because the captains are new. so ihave to also guide them along.

the task of capains seem to be geting heavier and heavier. and i have to make sure that all the admin thing is stablised first before we take the 2nd step.


wad do i get? complaints. wad shocked me is .. u even asked me "can i dun come for trng" i said no, and u even went on.."wad about CCA points."........ gosh man. how i felt about the team. how are we going to win. at the same time. its also tiring fo the coaches to train use 4 times ok. and they're not complaing. what more, us?




grrr.



today. supposed to clean classroom. only me ans lizzy can make it. so forget it. tmr. irritated ok.

for prefects. i duno why i i feel that when she tok to me, she puts on a guard. and the friendship we have is definite crumbling. whahha. but nvm.

in my class, there seems to b so much bootlickering around man. so irritting. so not sincere. pls. its so freaking obvious, its like she also want to suck up to stephanie, who is the first in level and class kinda thing. liek wth.





overall. i dun wish to continue. ppl are getting so self centered and selfish. the sincerity of doing task is no longer there. and i could feel it.


(btw, thank God for lynette who msged me. have yet to reply her.)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i love her man. pillar of support from a junior.




!! says: heya
!! says: relax la kk
brother: sry about today
brother: u read my blog ar
!! says: we not complanin bout the plan i'm damn happy u did so much somemore
!! says: yup
brother: its not u all
brother: its the sec_s
brother: ______ (sry. confidential)
!! says: dun be angry la kk .. on behalf of those who complain sorry h
!! says: pai seh
brother: she even msg me lor
brother: aiya its ok
brother: juz eel so bleech
brother: like i do so much.. then still get discriminated
!! says: no .. i respect wad u do for us .. somemore do everything for us then we can jus train dun even need to worry about when wad time wad day and all
!! says: damn grateful le
!! says: cannot ask for more
!! says: and good job k so dun be dishearten
brother: thank u _____
brother: =)
brother: so touching
!! says: err haha ok
!! says: lol
!! says: but seriously all the work was done by u and u practicly didnt ask any of us for help when ur like so busy so yea
!! says: and theres nothing to complain about in fact i cabt wait for trainings
brother: thank u
!! says: =)
brother: much appreciated
brother: hmms..
brother: i've nothing ot say man. juz thankful for such a junior
!! says: hahhaha
!! says: anyways dun let this kinda thing put u down k .. lol must keep stayin strong cos once u give up onli bowlin team can say bye bye le yea
brother: yep
brother: thanks

stress? wif the family.

issit really a family? for sure, its not a full one.

ytd, had a major conflict wif mother. she cried. i cried. papa died. mum sensitive. grrr. i wanna be a boy boy boy. then she'll wun expect me to be like super guai and all.
she keep say.."after daddy die u like dun love the family. not at all. u think i dunooo?".. in anger, marian replied.."u think u love me? wadeva i say n do is wrong. in ur eyes. and wadeva u do, is right. juz let it be k. i can choose not to study and go work. but i didn't. so i'm naughty lar.. happy?"

cries.. "u see ur daughter. why do u die first? i should die first. u see. marian dun love me at all... blah blah blah.".


yes. and there's more. more sensitive stuff.


i was left in bed. thinking of the past. 2 wks after papa died, she say i was soo naughty. and attempted to jump off the window. literally did tt. sis had to pull her. me? sat on the floor, crying. pains from the slaps and canes.

cool family eh? in the bed, was thinking wad if she jumps? but thank God. couuld hear her toking to herself, compling to dad's photo, while ironing her clothes and with the tv on.


i'm not a respectful girl. i'm a super singapore chao ger. toks loud and is very direct. thats me. even tchrs. sometimes, i dun give them the respect they ought to have. i only respect vp and p. tchrs. i tok. casually, but not friend friend. that's me. and its amazing how i got in to prefectorial board, not passing through the interview, due to my bluntness.. and mr lim had to fight for that position. haiz. therefore, i should be thankful for mr lim for giving me this opportuinty and make him proud. exco 2004 will nv ever thought that marian who be in that exco position. i shocked them.


God blessed me wif grace teo. i nv and un msg grace teo at all one. ytd, she msged me smth like this.." heys.. have been thiniking alot of you today. thanks for being around. it was an encouragement to me.." i was touched. clearly deplicts of an angel in act lar. the msg came in during the conflict. could hear my phone beep. i'm thankful for grace.


went sch. swollen eyes. couldnl't open. thank God for helping me sustain myself throughtout, espincally during maths.



DISCIPLINE MISTRESS MRS SNG WAN YING.

my maths tchr. i kenna freaked out. she's the only tchr that i'm afraid of. ok. skip all those.

ytd. mrs koh, mrs tang, all kp telling me to drop chem and bio. or combine. i was like telling mrs lim. no no no. stop discoraging me can. grr.
thank God for God.


after sch. went to jam. nigey, daniel and andrew at shangz. we went late. so only played for a pathetice 1/2hr. and was very very bad. i broke the string. 3rd string. was i venting my anger? i doubt so. hurried paid and left. graace and eveleen came. so we went walking.
heard that nigel got booked by police. for jaywalking. he was running in the direction on the on coming traffic... while daniel was runnign on the grass... coz they were late.. but there was no cars. and instead of seeing the police car, nigel thought he saw the taxi? yar. so both lum bros got booked. haiz. nigey nigey. haha. do take care.

thank God of grace, andrew, eveleen, nigel, vincent and daniel for spending gd time together. i felt that i needed that.


another thing scary is. i admire girls. i look at chio bu-s and hot girls. ok. freaky. dun go around spreading this about me ar. but i duno mans. guys? erm.. girls more. cine got alot. okok. stop it. focus focus. shall read and memoraise Corinthians. an daniel's super funny. aha. he kenna into state of shock when he saw my right hand biceps. hmmms.. ahha.

thank God.


gg to sch. putting on a smile. tiring. at home, its my time to quieten down. think and reflect.
so sory to msn ppl. =l. =]

ok. shall make it quick.

first service at potong pasir. shoick to be home. the feeling is juz diff. but i prefer the old old goonna drop anytime church. yep... went to church at 7. felt useless. very. logistics all done on sat. so juz went around n b stupid to take pics.

then later. lunch at pp81. left right back front all coa ppl. ahhaha. business sure gd.

then went to eve house to do lit hw. its done! claps. ahha.

then met up wif some ppl to eat dinner and walk abit. haha. saw this chio girl. leon's friend friend. she's super hot lar. leon char and all agree. whaha. export one. from KL. MY AGE!.haha. ook. shall not get to excitied.

hmm.. do i have a prob? ahhaa. maybe. whaha.

then mrt. some guys approached me. felt very blech.they say is joel's friend. joel called to affirm it and all. pri sch friend has now wierd friends. okk.



amongst all. i thank God for providing free airconditioning to singapore. felt lik 20 degrees lor. nice. all around were ppl in jackets. even church guys. yup.
also..

kinda sad. my sista, lyndon is becoming more sister!. so sad. he juz recovering from toncilitise...(spl error). and he's voice has become higher!. no more that 5 months sore throat. so sad. but its good that he lost weight. haiz. my sista is really becoming my sister. haha.



okok. i thank God for today. personally, those negative thoughts are in my head again. thank God that i could actually tell myself to focus on reaching out and really having fun wif Him and His kids. yep. thank God.


------>
Saturday, January 1

\\*new year 2005*//
its the new year.like wowz,evryone shld b happy?its juz wrong that i cant watch the nationa's countdown party on tv.thats juz wrong man.its like how can we b denied such a thing?wad m i bulling so much bout my unhappiness...ppl are lamenting over unable to find their loved ones from the tsunami disaster.wad m i complaining about?my personal problems?haiz.todae...went parkway two times.one time in afternoon and one at nite.both times veri boring.like walking around a dead place.so bloody crowded.den suddenly almost empty.and sembawang wuz like flooded?and there wuz no cd sale or something.tho i wanted to buy the mayday cd.haha.then i made the mistake of going to the hp shop.m1 and singtel.saw the hp i loved.7260.yea.so near yet so far.wuz like measuring my hp pouch with the phone.den my father wuz like see onli la....(then i saw yinghui...he wuz like hello...haha.)i understand perfectly..pocket problems.heehee.then went home.my brother decided to go get some stuff to cook to like celebrate la....u c there is a blessing here:he aint behaving like some saint andrews boy.thank God man.
oh haiz...still day one of feeling desolation zone....now officially day 2.but i cant b botherd bout such timings.oh haiz.did i mention that i hav almost no heart to do my iso?even if its faking it.i din do finish it as i planned.oh nice.and i anit feeling the brokenhearted ness of the whole matter yet.oh my gdness.its rili put in a lock.feelings all there.the onli things left is the ghostly pain, neutral anger,basically sean lee when he wuz sec 2.ah but that is spastic.cos i wuz a bastard.hot tempered.its in a safe mode basically........forever.oh man.safe mode.for so long.i gonna break down next year or something.can imagine myself getting sacked as a senior prefect either cos i cant take it anymore or i lose my temper and hit some sas boy during finals or beat up gep-er boys.sheez.then i wuz listening to all my cds todae.felt that those love songs were like crap.not nice its like they calling out to me sia" i wish u look at me that way, ur beautiful eyes looking deep into mine, telling me more than anywords could sae, but u dun even noe im alive...baby to u... all i m ...is the invisible man..." then theres jay chou qing tian...translate the hanyupingyin la"gua feng zhe tian, wo shi guo wo zhe ni shou, dan pian pian, yu jian jian,da dao wo kan ni bu jian, hai you duo jiu wo cai neng zai ni shen bian, dneg dao fang qing na tian ye xu wo hui bi jiao hao yi dian...cong jian cong jian, you ge ren ai ni hen jiu, dan pian pian feng jian jian ba ju li chui de hao yuan, hao bu rong yi you neng zai duo ai yi tian, dan gu shi de zhui hou ni hai shi shuo le bye bye" translation"on the windy day, i tried to hold ur hand, but the rain wuz so big that i could see you but not meet you,hoqw long more before i can be at ur side,maybe on the better day, i will be a better person...a long long time ago, a man loved you for long time,but then, the wind blew our distance so far apart.its wuznt easy to love you another day, but in the end you still saed goodbye"oh man...its almost suited my story.crap man.THAT song rili struck me....unlocked it by abit.luckyh i din listen to the reason...theres too much memories of her in that song.oh haiz....i wuznt trying to erase u....i m erasing myself from ur life....trying to let go of so much feelings kept within this HUGE vault.pressure high.so even now as i blog...u wun see me online cos i kinda blocked you...and i aint tryig to erase u...seriously...the seven deadly sins include jealousy...thas wad i talking bout...i mean like i can understand all that u go thru...or mayb not...liking gals has always been both my bane and my energy...its two way bad thingwhen it gets too much then u suffer drug overdose....cant face you..need time to mediatate if i can at all.i juz cant face up to the pain attached....maybe on a better day perhaps i can b a better person.where the vault is open.and i can look upon u as a frend.haiz.i juz hope nx yr i dun hav to go rugby finals or any finals that hass any sas punks...cos if they try to b funny like that time at the police cup, i tell u.....it aint gonna b pretty.ah its the wrong things la.and glen...i noe u aint the sas things...( hey u think i wouldnt check this and that?its funny how being jealous would make you such a dude that check out other ppl surrounding....sheez... i sound like predator)and giving her up is the rite move i m guessing....ok tho this whole morning and day and nite it rained alot( does it sound like God is telling me i m making the wrong move?nah cant b that zun la..)i hav to...much as i stil wana carry on...i hav juz slammed rite into a wall....its not dark cloud its a wall....dead end geddit?nvm...nx yr transferring to siglap south for my brother and oso its sean lee frendly( yeah!)and oso got frend there.....daphne is there...but its sad that shes there...not with some good trng place like eunos...now i need as much taekwondo practice as i can...i need to drive all tat frustration out..vent it out in sparing...be some kind of fighting demon...thats oso i wanna transfer to siglap south...cos daphne saed got sparring there..well, time to whack la...haha sadist....ok i m crapping too much...sheez...muz finish iso....no more drive...blinking out... oh wowz, my teardrop is in my eye...knives wouldnt hurt my chest.but the decision would.oh wellz...





then later... after i blogged....





"...seriously man,i aint erasing her...i juz wanna sae this to the dude that got her heart in years or months into the future.....dude, u rili hav to learn to treasure her....like dun break her heart or something....cos u dunno how many ppl are wanting to b in ur shoes...there aint any gal that can replace her ok? one in a million sia.lose her then its ur own loss....ok i talking dumb here...as if that dude is gonna look here...i sound so bloody himbo mon.oh wellz...no more daily entries la...skool coming....how to blog?tamade..."




found this at his blog. ookok. touching? (whee.. u dun mind right. i copy ur blog. coz u copy mine too!. ok. have fun. =))


okok. wahhaa. i feel mad now. sch's tml!!!>ahhahahahahhahhahaha....hectic and bz and stress day for prefects esp exco and esp head prefect. GOD! GRANT US GOOD WEATHER TML. PLS!



jasper's bike. i'm goonna get one after my liscence!. see if i still have this feeling of riding motorcycle.


our goin-to-be-completed church. yeas. beauty.


st andrew's junior and sencondary. all together. even share a same building. cool. really. our church is a stone throw away. hmm.. must bring more girls into the ministry!.


heehee.. i dun think he knew i did this. but wasted. missed the mr bean one. either by daniel lum or him.


okok. this is leon low. hoho. mad one acsbr. whaha. dancing in the rain.


see! so hardworking right. yeps. more urshers.


when the rain sets in. urshers still go on!. yea.


ppl going up. rain haven come...


wahaahahha!!. i got u 2 ppl first. ahha. =P. the background one is the person who always takes photos. then the foreground one is jeremiah's papa.


worship practice. youth chairman. cool eh. haha.


kenneth. master logistics in action


biamp and logistcis ppl. they more pro.


first 8am service


lydia and ulrica. bright girls. wahha. 1st teens time there.

1ST JANUARY 2005

2004. gone. 1 yr.
a very bad yr i should say. for me at least.
- lost b div
- mr jega wanted to clsoe down bowling. so no intake this yr.
- yr w/o father
- whole darn yr of spiritual dryness
- so darn much negative thoughts. freakin devil keeps being an irritant.
- mrs koh hates me.
- mrs joan lim doubts me.
- mr lim left. left bowling. left sch.
- most boring bday i've ever had.
- mama becoming more sensitive and naggy at times.
- sis could actually be admitted to hospital.
- cass not in sg.
- didn't really enjoyed church camp as much. teens camp as well.=(
- shaun passed away.
- diane passed away.
- stepped down as captain.
- screwed up ballet exam. as usual.
- bad bad bad eoy results. i'll work hard lors.
- i've hurt someone? yea.

and the list goes on....

in the midst. there is God. somewhere. shall thank God and honour Him for wad he has done.

- quite peaceful yr. not much war.
- no sars.
- move back to st andrews's!
- church stayed strong as one despite the move
- God provided us wif so many places. st margrets, st andrews..
- more ppl!. amy pryke, meng kit, vincent, jeremy, demi, suan, shaun, marcus, hai sing ppl and on and on and on...
- got closer to more ppl.
- got promoted to executive prefect.
- actually got in triple science despite laziness.
- char had 4 pts!!!!! ray too!!
- got to know gary, sara, gera, yuan more and more. new friends. john, tc, mervyn.
- guitar improving thanks to nigey!
- won sji? made new friends and all.

ya. ok. couldn't think of more.


2004.i duno mans. its like passin yr. didn't feel like i had the drive to do anything. like wad mr lim said, "where tt fighting spirit in marian?" i agree. where is it man. when i want something to be done, i'll like go all means to get it. bbut this yr, to think that i started to think about giving up in day 2 of b div. eoy. gave so much excueses. super bad time management. hw. hoho. need not say.
its juz diff lar. eee.

nxt yr. ah beng!. YEA. gonna start my style. get back my drive. fight on. get back the confidence i used to have. get back my smiles. get back the things i've lost. erms.. beside papa lar.

aims:

- 6pts for o's. minus 4, hopefully, 2. then go sajc.
- which means, know my txbk at my fingertips, and do more resarch on coms.
- b div. win at least a medal or trophy for myself. and win one for sch.
- be an outstanding, impartial prefect. be respectful. and DISCIPLINE. initiative part okok.
- read at least half of new testment
- be superly pro in acoustic guitar. give me a song and i'll know the chords kinda thing.
- know classical more and play pro-ly. electric, hold on.
- ballet. hahah. hopefully will do my best.. get distinction. and rmbr my steps!
- hopefully, hp wun screw up. i wun drop it or mistreat it. be nice to it.
- be punctual very punctual.
- have gd rest. superly filled wif energry despite heavy schedules.
- find time to jam. go out wif friends. once in a while though.
- get much closer to God. strength my faith in Him.
- be more active in church.
- be a good logistics person who wakes up early. learn biamp properly since its a chance given to me.
- have fun in any experience. keep doing my best and taking pride in my tasks.


ok. haha


this is so systematic. my aims seem to be hard to get. but hey. i must. o levels. no joke. my business. my company. my future.
abot thailand mission trips, not sure. coz of the trng times. will clash. hmms.

yep. another long post. realy wonder who reads all these besides my son. whaha. faithful ar. =). okok .anyways. since today's the 1st of jan. i shall be gd and do my hw, making my son happy. =). and also. if u guys have read all these. thanks man. haha. hope i'll be an exncouragemt for u guys out there.

btw. nice blog song? ahha. from my son too!. whahha. to me ar, its a song that can push me? yeas. byes for now. 7am in church tml. be there punctualy.

ok. i feel that i've hurt someone. okok. basically i have.

for a guy to like marian is not a gd thing. not being bhb or wad lar. but seriously, liking marian is pure torture.
yes, i have been tempted to go into a realationship. i have been tempted to get a stead. i have been. but i still have and must hold on to my promise and committments.

i've read ur blog. the names u've mentioned, the sas guys. they're my close friends. i understand how u feel of not having that friendship i have wif them. basically, i'm terribly packed wif activities. your are still my peng you. i wun neglect you one lar. most of them are frrom my church. lets say i dislike them to the core, it is the church activites that will bring us together. =)

basically. let me share abit here. marian can be very irritating. if a guy likes me, i will not want to put high hopes nor false hopes. the tendency of replying slow is higher.i'll feel sad doing such a saddist thing lar. but i dun want u to fall badly lar. pls do not be jealous. there is still ming wei to support u. i'll be there as a friend. still.

sry if this is personal..:

".i m unable to escape such a sin.one of the 7 deadly sins.the new is coming up.anothr new target:to move outa her life slowly.man. i need time to think.i mean i can see from the signs:daoing sms.near one word replies on msn.inability to meet me for me to pass her christmas present,talking so much bout other guys on her blog.its like signs to tell me that its a wrong path in life"


let me try to redefine. being unable to escape is not a sin. and y do u wanna move out of my life. so sads! but if realy u choose to do that, =). hoho. daoing smses. looks like u dun know me well. for me, most of my sms goes to my prefects. lets take gary for example. if he msg me. i'll wun reply. if anyone ask me a yes no question, i also wun reply. its the bills lar. friends msg me nice msgs. i'm happy. i wanna make them happy by doin the same. but theres alwasy stil the $$ barrier. i'm sorry.
last part about chooing the wrong path. hmms. in my opinion, going into a relationship now or madly being in love wif someone is not a gd time now. u have ur o levels. so do i. ccas and all will wear us down. won't it be more stressing to have a stead. whereby u have to plan ur time to keep up wif the relationship. its not crime to like someone. neither is it a wrong path. but in my opinion.. a path that is chosen by and 15-16 yr olds, should be a path that leads to ur future practically. dun get me wrong by thinking that liking someone is not practical.

liking someone is uncontrollable. u know it. i know it. i've experienced it b4. its painful lar. but the growing experience. thats wad we should be happy about.


after reading ur blog. ahha. i realised that we are very chiao ppl. kp seeing u everywhere. haha. but i feel so sad that u're trying to erase me outta ur life? that's wad it meant to me lar. i also feel so bleach tthat i'm actually torturing u. haha. this reminds me of shakespeare lor. nxt yr, i might be gg ur sch juneact. maybe. so yea.

i might seem to be some old aunty to be nagging all these wrds and all. ahha. but as "kids". definitely not the time. well. haha.my defination of kids here, is by ppl who is growing up. probs surfaced alone juz by the education system. thats y, very much like u, i would want someone to fall back on. to feel loved. to feel special and all. in my times of dryness. i wanted to go steady wif a guy. but think. if my act of folly starts now, my "first" wun be the best. i juz dun want to hurt anyone. even worse, i've ever liked a girl b4, and when studying, i kept staring at her. freaky eh? but only for 2hrs. haha. hms.. that explains the ah bengness in me.

from the Bible, God wants us to live a life pleasing to him. at the same time, enjoy urself. make the best out of it. i'm not worth. it. hhaha. i'm juz a prefect from kc who can bowl. ahha. everyone sure has a sppeacial talent and gift. everyone in God's eyes is special.

i;m not sure if by reading this it seems to be like 10 knives slashing across u or wad. but i hope u'll understand be and happy.


haha. 2005. 10 more minutes. was wanting to type out the past yrs events. make it long and interesting. to share my probs and all.. but well, i think this is more impt.


heys u. ahaa. juz to share a little bit more. when papa left me. my life seems to be like shortage of guys. my family, my dance classes, my sch. all girls. (aha. besides that dancer samuel lar.)haha. i still miss him. like duh. i guess i've unknowingly gotten over him!!. yay. but not sure will start staring at the hammer and cry again. haha. looking back at my life. there are many intersting guys in singapore. haha. once, there was this person. who went all to yishun to see me bowl. i couldn't communicate wif him coz i was the capt and had to set a gd eg. coz of the rule. =). another person.. when i was sick during my bday, went to my house to give me a present. when mama said i was sick and slping, he told mama to wish me happy bday. and left. so touchign right. there was also once. (this one is whoa..) in p6. i liked this guy. and this guy liked me. after alot of talking through paper and all, he hinted of getting steady. in primary six. i wrote back to him, saying this line and alot of stuff.." due to our age and ministry that we're in.. i dun think it is possible or ideal to be togheter now." ahha. scary ar. pri 6 girl.whwha. was painful for me. but we're stil in contact now. as friends. but i'm happy that i did not succumb to my temptation lar. yay.


5 more mins to 2005. so scary. feel like withdrawing from the world. aha. so scary. 2005. sec 4.


ok. i should stop blabbling now. and send this file to gary. ahha. should acknowledge him. thank u for helping me blog since like EOY. yea. =) thanks.