the jump

some days i feel free.
some days it creeps in.
but eveything's under control.

binged watch The Last Madame on Toggle. such an excellent drama series.
some times i wonder what would it be like if i was back in the 1920s, in sg as a woman.

"a strong woman who throws her strength away is worse than a weak woman who have no strength to even throw away."

some days i wished i had this yr's schedule of things back in 2017 or even 2018.
i dont want to wonder what difference would it make,
but i choose to think tt it wouldnt matter.

30.
i feel that jump.
though its really just a number without much significance, there's an imaginary gap that requires you to take a leap. its not so much of where u're jumping into.. but like.. how are u going to make that jump.


i still wonder about that one night that i woke up in shock and crying in your arms.
it just proves that there lived a monster, well hidden in the abyness
perhaps we all have that monster in us,
it's just about if we're able to live in peace with it; letting it create havoc if it wanted to, but just making sure that it doesn't consume us and those within close range of us.


my heart feels dead. - not in a bad way actually.
its more like, i'm probably learning to master mind over matter, mind over heart.
feelings and emotions are just the evoked intrinsic effects of hormones, but its the mind that should be in control and be in-check.



some days. i miss you.
but i have no idea what it means anymore.
all the real conversations with anyone aren't real,
while nothing matters.


i dont feel goal-less, but i just feel that probably, some things in life aren't really that necessary. or rather, i guess not everyone deserves certain goods and bads in life.
i have learnt to embraced the struggles. i thank them for making future rocky routes more bearable while the falls seems to be cushioned.


i not that i dont need anybody in life. but its just a good reminder that no one is in charged of my happiness except for myself.
i can finally say that i'm finally learning to love myself.
its not just about taking care of urself, or settling for excuses or find comfort in logical reasons. but as simple as it is, it just about appreciating life and thank God for every single day and everyone. even if its the shittiest of days, or the most horrible persons, its things and ppl that have crossed paths with ours.


i still wished that ppl we once knew, once interacted with, and especially those that are so close to us; wont choose to be strangers. individuals who were once a big part of our lives and have occupied a big space in our hearts will definitely leave their footprints as scars. it shouldnt make us less beautiful people, but it should allow us to find courage to take on challenges and fall while learning to stand again.


haha. this post sounds so fictitious, so modelled, so cliche; but that's all the simple truths about circulated cliches. i'm still learning kind to myself, without compromising on the expectations of myself nor threatening my life's principles. i'm learning to accept that people who you can strongly love will strongly want you out of their lives as well; accept the choices that people whom you love would want to revert back to the unfamiliar faces in the crowd again.

that's how life goes. we dont drown in the waves but ride along the tides. we fall, but we'll ride again till the time we're gone and officially out of breath.
meanwhile, people who love you will chose to stay without any conscious effort. its not that we take them for granted, but we should be mindful of our heart, still guarding it fiercely with respect and in love.


love is a choice.
it is a fleeting feeling.
let's not chain ourselves up but stand firm in kindness and with the bits of shattered heart left. the remaining pieces are evidences that we've got capacity to carry loads and go through even tougher days all over again, again and again.

hi

well, i guess things are getting better? that not said with any conviction, but its been a lonnnnggg while since i've felt... lighter? not physical weight (i wish).. but my heart just feels like its finally starting to mend its wounds from all the battles.

its been too long.

last night i had quite a cut on my 4th finger. its abit upsetting coz i've got a few upcoming bowling tournaments and injuries always happen at the more impt parts. it hurts. like with the fuel trying to dry up the blood while the blood is like trying to flow out. couldnt stop to clean the wound, or rather, not a big issue to do so. so i carried out removing the fuel pump with my blood colouring the component.

but yea. it hurts, but is wasn't as painful. idk if becoming 'dark' and emo is now a part of me, but pain doesnt seem to bother me anymore (except going to the dentist). its like, my heart has been hurting for the longest time that any physical pain seems ok since it can replace the deep intrinsic hurt awhile. haha no, i dont think i'm in any state of depression unlike in 2018. but just feel more... resilient? or u can say... dontgiveashit.

i still miss those to 2 ks. haha. maybe i should just label them k1 and k2 here since i dont wanna type their names out here anymore. k1 has always been at the back of my mind, unfortunately. i still see him at work and evidently, he's been superly avoiding any eye contact with me. sometimes i do see him actually turning around to walk in another direction just to avoid me. i've come to reconcile with that. but i just feel like.. i mean if i mean nothing to u anymore which u've clearly mentioned and wanted to establish that, then y does it bother u? my closer cols who know about u and i actually ask me why u like that eh. if i dont mean anything, so chill. each time i see him or see any persons looking like him, the butterflies in my stomach still comes alive. but they dont flutter as aggressively as before. the just give some mild jerks and fly away. i wanna say i miss u, but i dont think now i really do? i feel myself learning to let go properly, also coz u're with someone whom i did tell u that its what u're looking for in a gf also.

its like what some thought catalogue said... we shouldnt fight trying to stop missing the person, we should just learn to accept it and move on. k1 will always be part of my memory and nothing can change that coz we're all wired up that way unless i go into some accident and damage my brain cortex or smth.

let me try and google something tangible out of that.

haha yea.

ok k2. this is a special case, also coz i failed to define our r/s properly. i mean, i couldnt also given the timeline of events and exams altogether, also with the tight cutoff time he gave. haha. its like those major TMA submissions.. like if u dont hand in by 2355, u dont get a 2nd chance. i mean u can still submit, but ur grades will be severely affected.

i miss him, but i guess its more like.. what a pity that i couldnt spend more time to get to know him better. but if that is really him, i dont think i can deal with someone so.... haha i dont even know.
i used to think he was different, like he was someone very understanding to my problems. but they're all the same. perhaps coz he understands me so much that he knows that he can't handle my issues. i guess i'm ok with that. but until now, i still dont know what kind of girl u're looking for. its good that i dont know also so i wouldnt subconsciously strive to be the person whom u'd want to be with.

but that's all good isnt it? he just had to walk away just like that.
clearly to him, the friendship isn't something worth keeping as well.
i dont think i can stop loving anyone once i have started to love them more than an average human i know. just like k1, he'll always have a space in my heart just that i'm not going to do anything about it. as with k2, its just... undefinable? to u, its like a null set. i've got all these feelings and i dont know how to deal with them. perhaps like they all say, time heal all wounds.
cliche shit. but from k1, it's evident that i'm learning. i'm dealing with it better emotionally, i guess also coz now that i've more time to play rugby and all to limit my time to being emo.

but one thing for sure is, i dont think i wanna get involved emotionally so deep unless i'm given clearance to? with k1 and k2, without their... erm..... permission / consent, i fell in love so deep. then its all with assumptions that progression becomes inevitable or in their context, 'supposed to be'. perhaps its just them reciprocating to my feelings and positive actions/emotions, but i dont think i'd wanna do that anymore.


on the lovelife forum on class 95fm recently, it just irks me that ppl are seeking advice just because they found someone better / some 'soulmate' while they're in a r/s. i mean like... erm whut. someone even asked like "should i break up with him coz he's too stable". she elaborated that she wanted some guy to throw her off her feet and all those shit... and the guy wanted to bring her to maldives so she's also asking if she should go for the trip... wtf gurl. yea maybe u should break up with him coz u dont deserve him. ok loh, i guess u break up, and get together with someone else, and after the honeymoon period, u continue ur feat..since u're just idealizing every part of a r/s. of course, ppl flamed her... esp on fb msges which the dj didn't bother reading out. hahahs.
one of the comments was like "love is a choice".
i couldn't agree more man.
k1 and k2 has chosen to stop loving me. i do want to do that too, but its really difficult. i can't even justify that further. tt's y i've learnt or rather, still learning to reconcile with all these emotions. keep them, but put them aside and not them evoke into actions. if anyone wants to enter my heart, he should learn to reconcile with that too. that's probably my #1 mandatory requirement too. if u can't deal with it, move on. i dont want to open up anymore memory space for ppl who's gg walk out on me eventually. its too taxing.




but yea. i'm blogging today coz i'm supposed to be doing an assignment, but i'm just missing those ks. hahas. its ok that they dont love me anymore, or want to have nothing to do with me anymore. more imptly is that i shouldnt stop loving myself. i'm working on learning how to practice self-love and more imptly, self-respect. i've probably lost myself so much that ppl who really want to love me dont even know how to.

recently, one of my bestfriend also just broke up with the girl he met online. they met around the same time as k2 and i. i mean he always tell me how excited and happy is he when she text him this and that.. and recently, he told me about all those travelling plans for the year and the next. and just like that.. no more.? but one thing he shared with me much earlier in the r/s which was quite a red flag to me.. she ask him like "how are u going to add value to my life when we're tgr". hmmm. idk, and i wouldn't qns the rationale behind her intentions, but this girl is clear and pragmatic man. i think she should meet k2. maybe they can reason out their expectations and all tgr since they're so freaking clear of what they want in a r/s.
i'm really sad for him. he's always a giving person and its nice to have someone asking him about his day and all again. he tells me like he's so happy when someone can actually show her cares for him. got one time he shared about what he did for her.. like write some note on a piece of tissue or smth.. the whole thing made me teared man. haha. also coz tt time k2 just told me he didn't want me also, so everything was very sensitve to me at that point in time.

there's this song... "from strangers to lovers to strangers...."
tbh, i dont understand how someone once so freaking impt and being a huge part in ur life can just simply revert back to being some other stranger living on this earth, and worse still, in the same country / geographical area. why can't ppl look up and move on? hahah (saying that to me as well, but hey! i'm working so well on it man.) if it means nothing to u, why does it bother u? issit ego? what else?


thank God for all these brutal ppl. it makes me realize that people can choose to be brutal just bc they want to for whatever the reasons. its not that we lose hope in humanity, but its more impt that we reflect on our actions inwardly, and ensuring that we dont lose sight of what's impt to us and to the good of mankind. seriously.
there's so much more to do while we're alive on this earth so full of misery and pain. we couldn't be always questioning why ppl do this why ppl do that; rather, let's all be flexible and yet, grounded. coldplay says "nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be this hard, oh take me back to the start."

going back to the start, being hopeful, being positive, being kind to those around and especially to urself but this time, more resilient.
it takes time, and even 10 yrs is still part of a time frame though it kinda pretty long. its a painful process and i can tesitfy that so much. i just hope that if anyone reads this post, they can feel comforted again. i'm glad to start being positive me again here.
nobody said its was easy, but lets be strong to those who still love and care for us. even if it means to put up a strong front and then cry in ur pillows in the wee hours of the night when no one is looking, do it. even if u think there's no one there, just do it to let ur heart out abit. we really dont need anyone to validate or sadness or hope that anyone can come to our rescue. comfort is just a temporal masking of emotions, so u just gotta deal with it urself emotionally; just that in the process, dont do anything extreme that u're gonna regret when u're more sober again. and lastly, if u looking towards the suicidal path.... look at me now. if i had carried on my thoughts and jump off that building that very night, i cannot imagine the state that mother poon is going to be in, i wouldn't be able to see changi jewel today, and i wouldn't be blogging now, telling u how life can really go up if u're down.
having said that, if u're feeling at the lowest, dont expect to go up coz u'll never know that u're at the lowest until u go up.

thank you, chapter closed.

ok, finally with much subtle prompts, u finally decide to tell me that u believe that we wont work out together.
i guess it finally now all make sense when u say u dont want to go slow as a friends first.

thank u for finally telling me this.
i really needed to hear this from you.

supposed to be writing my report now.
its a sunday night and i'm all alone in sch.
too much emotions rn, i just need to vomit it out.

so it really all make sense now.
i just thought it would be more helpful if u told me this real reason so that i wouldnt live with such hurt in the past 4 months.

the only disappointing thing is that somehow u believe that i didn't think we'd would work out. i really wonder what made u think that way. but if its just a mechanism of u to distant urself from me, then ok, fair enough.
on the contrary, i was really hopeful about us. in fact, i dont think i've ever once doubt us? all the deep convos, the mutual understandings and expectations, the accelerated mutual feelings... not even mentioning about the common activities we do like climbing, riding, somehow photography...
how can they all not mean a thing right?
probably the disappointing thing for u is that i couldn't have enough faith with you. and i guess if nothing progress towards your goal in a way u expect it to be, u'd rather not pursue it at all.

i guess i'm really expecting a longer time frame to get to know you first. but i think its rational coz i wanted to get to know more of you before i can give all of my heart to you (thankful that i didnt).
for me, building a future with a person i know for barely 3 months is out of my league. its not like we really hang out or anything in those short periods of time; we just studied/ did our work alot and ate a couple of no more than 10 proper meals together. i mean like, we didnt even do one of our common activity tgr. and i'm not a confident person unless i really know and am comfortable with the person whom i can trust my heart with. i wished i had more time spent with u, but i guess those times are sufficient for u to assess that i'm not enough for u.

things fell apart the moment u gave up and my heart probably sensed that b4 u even knew it.



the hurt i feel now is still pretty intense.
but right now, i dont know what's love anymore. idk if i'm just being loyal, committed or love someone. all those right feelings, those feelings (i thought) out of love, in the end, they all end up being abandoned, betrayed and insignificant. is it coz i've overestimated love? i've never expected anything in return, but i dont like my sincere heart to be abandoned like that. it always hurts and i dont think i can get used to it. or issit coz there's no such thing as human-to-human love, just commitment? Is wanting a person whom u love v much to love u back just as u are too much to ask for?


but at least now, its validated. at least i know its u've given up.
i know that u didn't love me while this is just another.... part of growing up.

idk what to learn from this episode actually.
to not love? to not even think about commitment? to not be honest about everything? to be tactful?
but one reoccuring lesson that resurfaced is to learn to let go of the things you love.

i'm out.

6 months

wasted time, energy, effort and money.

all that didn't matter seems to matter now.

i'm pretty glad to have finally woken up.

and i dont think i've ever moved on and out from anyone like this.

just a few days and weeks ago, i was still missing you.

but today, its like.. boomz. sudden realization.

so what if u're capable but dont have a heart?

u've got kindness on ur lips but not in ur actions. 

i dont think i'm even disappointed coz u're just way beyond.

i dont deserve you.
not someone who can just walk out and abandon my heart just bc his short term goal's aren't met.

doesn't make sense if u say u like a person, wanna move further but dun wanna spend time as friends to get to know each other first.

u're full of mind games especially when u say u dont. 

double standards.

honest open conversations?

u've never appreciated them. 

i've been so blinded by the good things when they aren't real.

how did i even trust you.

i guess i should be glad that u decided to walk away b4 i could fall deeper.

and i'm glad the defense was worth it

now knowing that u're a person like this.

well, i still wish u well.
that u'd find someone genuine to jump the gun with u, take risks, ride on adventures and with hope and confidence in a future that everything works out well.
i'm just sorry that i cannot have such confidence in a stranger like you.

self-respect

self-respect.

confidence level

decided i should blog again coz today is quite a random significant emotional day.

as noted from the past few months, i was just in a state of abandonment, feeling unwanted, not purposeful, 0 drive. i just laid back and let the waves catch me if i fall, or if not, it doesn't matter anyways.

but today, was talking to this friend. its been really long since i've talked to anyone abt my issues. not bc i dont want to, but just (think that i) dont need / dont have to. somehow, it does feel... 'refreshing' to feel and understand what it means to be lonely again. i used to (and still think) that i can thrive being alone and not feel lonely.  so while talking to her, it seems to be a usual feat that i'd cry as i talk about my issues. since kh left, i've been a cryer. haha. everything seems to trigger. i dont think its unresolved issues, but that brokenness can't seem to be leave. no, i dont want him back at all, in fact, i'm just glad that all along i'm right about him not being.. 'the one' even though when i was with him. its different, and i'm glad he taught / cornered me to love in other ways; though in the process, he screwed my mental state. though there are things that i've been misguided with, but this also throws me onto a platform where i should reassess myself.
i have been trying to do that, but its like a headless chicken trying to find a worm in the haystack.

so then it comes to k.
i talk to her abt him too. hahahhas. all these 'k' boys. tsk. inside, i realize i still do have feelings for him and i'm still quite clear of why i like him. but with the little amount of time spent tgr, i can't be sure / or rather, allow these feelings to develop. u can say that i'm guarded, u can see it as being protective of my heart, but i still think its necessary bc look at what loving with ambiguity leads you to. in my defense, love is patience, love is kind. some ppl may not understand that, some ppl may be looking from a different window, but if at the end of the day, he decides to leave, then its only best that i respect that and stop the pursuit. despite the misunderstandings / reasons and almost accusations that i have with him, there are other bigger problems; yea mostly of which is mine that i may not be aware of, but i guess u do have your level of expectations that i cant meet too.
so what does love have to play in this?

anyway, todays' post is not about being emo.
but she said something that reminded me of who i am.
"wahh. i didn't expect you're like this. i always thought u're confident and u always know what u want kind".
was i? looking back, yea. when things seem fine, i dont think ppl would self praise / acknowledge / appreciate themselves for their merits. in life, its only when it's missing that we'd realize what we've lost or, used to have. my identity.

and so, somehow in that moment while riding back, i did feel abit uplifted. yes, what k told me was right. he was right that i should be trying to fight for myself instead of fighting for him. he didn't want that i was trying to figure out my issues for him, while i didn't know how to get out of that stigma since it was something being programmed in me through my failed r/s. but i guess, k couldn't love me enough to be patient and disregarded the fact that we, or rather, i needed to spend more time with him as friends first to adjust myself. if i'm not worth wait, then ok, move on. i shouldn't be wasting ppl's time also. if all that i've done, wherther for him or for myself irritates and triggers him, then i guess i should focus on being loyal to myself and stop dragging him down in this strained pursuit.
fair enough.

as fundamental as it is, love is both ways,
if its one way, its not worth it. stop making things difficult for others and for urself.
he did tell me that even if i do get rid of my issues and find myself again, i can always text him back. however in saying that, its pretty clear that he can't love me for who i am. but looking at it again, i shouldn't exactly 'blame' him coz at that point in time, i dont know who i am any more. i dont  and can't love a foreign version of myself.

anyway, even if i do eventually get myself back up from the issues, i guess i should start thinking that i still do deserve someone who would be patient and love me for who i am.
in short, quite a pity i should say. but i still hope that u'd still be fighting for world peace despite the turmoils that i've briefly introduced to alongside with ur work and writings.


i feel like i can be happy again.
haha wow, such conviction.
i just need to focus on erm.. graduating, and then travelling, n spending more time with mountains and ppl of other cultures. no i'm not running away this time. but i think i need to start enjoying life abit more again. at this point in time, i feel like life waits for no man to be emo. i've not taken any leave just bc i wanted to (i.e, take leave just to stay at home or go out chill) before. i mean i got take just bc of travelling and all la. but what i'm trying to say is that i wanna get out of this state of being liable to anything or anyone. i dont mean to be irresponsible, but i'm alrdy reaching 30 and i think before i hit that, its a good imaginary line for me to boost my realignment in life after being assured that i'm not a positive person to be with. to rephrase that, i'm not saying that i'm gg to change for anyone but simply put with, i need to start doing things that make me happy. why bother making someone else  happy when its only pain that it brings all over. making someone happy could just be a bonus and not something we should strive to achieve. it should come naturally in the process. it makes everything...'smoother'? i think that is pretty basic.

we overthink.
forgetting to be selfish is one of the positive things that is being clouded by negative connotations.


"cast you cares upon the Lord because He cares for you".
in my teenage years, its just like... "dear Lord, pls help me do well in my exams, pls take away all my fears and anxiety." now as we grow up and get clouded by wanting to be in control of our thoughts and actions, our mind evolves, and we start to analyze and classify them as self-induced problems. then we try to correct it, we try to find our faults. then it gets tangled in unnecessary validations be it internally or externally by ppl around.

but really, cast your cares upon the Lord,
i'm not saying that we heck it, and not look at whatever legit problems that may be there.
but let's just simply the equation all together. the value of x is still the value of x which makes the value of y. no matter how we permutate it or convolute it, in its basic raw form, it is still what it is.
so, its all about trust and faith.

satan was one of the angels that fell and he knows his ways to intercept God's love for us.
faith move mountains.
haha, ok i'm starting to sound Godly and all, but i still do believe that it is only His peace and grace that can carry us through. He's there for us so why do we have to keep not realizing that we're actually turning our backs on him to face all these self-induced struggles.

being strong is probably having the ability to not even having to say that i am strong in adversity. being strong is just adjusting ur sails to ride on the winds, trusting His directions.



ok, with all of that, to simply put it, i hope to love myself more, and show more grace to those around me.  i hope to learn how to trust and hear His voice again instead of trusting in my feelings or analysis and evaluations.
thank you for today,

#hashtag #misery #bitchmodeON

i'm gonna list all the shit that has happen, just for today only....
well (on a brighter note), so that i can count my blessings when the good days do come.
(oh wow, sorry for the long post ahead)

seriously. ahahas. but wows, i'm blogging again.
today i really had a trying day. everything seems to be testing my patience.
let's start in chronological order. but disclaimer first, i'm like in my annoyed bitch mode now. so, i have no bigpictureshit in mind, and i'm just probably finding fault at every nitty gritty shit, for just today. ok. lets even do a count on it. btw, profanities for the day probably hit like the monthly quota alrdy. my vocab is probably in an inverse relationship with angsty-ness and profanities. so yea, sorry for the uncouth behaviour in which i shall not regret. oh, and note the #hashtag. #justtryingtobeabitch #waystobesarcasitc #cozigirl

1. i woke up, almost late for work. actually mother poon woke me up at 0510hr (coz she sometimes can't sleep until that time. probably its a wife thing, coz she also make sure my dad is not late for his morng shift). but ok, that's not the bad thing i'm trying to say. i woke up late coz i actually had a freaking good surreal dream. i dream about kh. it wasn't likka M18 shit, but like.. i dreamt about a  very sweet us. like how we gazed at each other eyes. how u held my had while sitting in a... van(?) and didnt wanna let go, while i laid my head on ur shoulder with big wide smile.
bits and pieces of good... times. idk if they are memories coz they all seem blurry to me now, but i just felt really at peace in the dream. so much so that i didn't even hear my phone and digital clock alarm. so waking up with a good dream with u in it like that left me in a limbo. though i knew i was running a little late, i sat on the bed for about 1 min, trying to sync in reality. but i couldn't get out of that limbo state... i brushed my teeth, put on my overalls, started my bike, all with visions of a smiling u in my head. WTS right. i really couldn't snap out of it. i couldn't rmbr the ride to work, but once i reached the cp, i put down my side stand, and told myself, fck off girl. u're no longer exist in his world. now its time to freaking go to work, and be safe so tt i can get home safe for mother poon. so yea.
i got onto the lift, looked at myself in the mirror of the lift, and i rmbred telling myself, he doesn't want u anymore, i've got much better things to do.

2. at work. ok. was assigned to this engr. so abt to prep and all, then assignment changed. ok. nvm, can. #opsdemand. then want go out, no spare. got spare then no veh for apu job. so we went out late. ok nvm.

3. the job involved trying to remove a seized bolt. its a handover job and apparently, escalated quite high that one of the snr mgmt had to come down personally to try. ok nvm.  #respect #effort. #atleastoutofoffice. he go up, got harness, no landyard, no gloves. and still say me? #can #safetybeginswithme #safetyatalllevels #issit

4. this technician, also collecting is workschd for his B1 type license, is still a technician, macham like engr alrdy sia. i think its just me, being annoyed and jealous, but let's just document it down here so i can look back and lol at this reaction in years to come. knn. i 好心 lend u my tools. pls dont make it sound as if i'm personally there for u to pass u my tools. maybe this one i bitch. maybe coz u treat me like a bro (which is good), but i am not here just to pass u tools btw. for the record, he forgot to take his harness from the vehicle. he actually asked one of the trainee tech (who is also a girl), to walk all the way to the fwd side of the bay, where the veh was, just to personally deliver his harness for him. bro. thought u wanna be man about work. wanna be hero all. harness cannot ownself take issit. #beyourownhero #everysuccessfulmanhasawomanbehind

5. i'm a girl. so its a misery to begin with. coz the job is only accessible by 2 ladders. so each time i wanna go up, the tech will say, wait ah, wait ah. wait until clock out loh.
so as a girl, sometimes its not that u cant work  / inadequate / no skill. u're simply not given the chance to work, to experiment, to explore. so when the time/rare opporunty comes (eg. when not enough manpower, and bo bian need to use u) and u need to perform, u're actually doing it for the first time. so when u duno how it really works (coz nv do b4), u kena the ohcozshegirl. bitch. i give u do first time u see u can 100%.  but yea, on this point, this is my daily struggle, so not really an issue. used to it liao. #cozigirl #notexpectedtoperformanyway #goodalsocoztyco #nevercozskill

6. i lend u my tools. ok. u want to use hammer to knock, ok. but fyi, there's a reason why I PASS U THE DRIFT. y must u use my 12" 3/8 drive extension to (attempt to) knock the bolt out. if like u need that extsn for access, FINE. but eh. no leh. y cannot use the drift for its purpose of its existence? if i rich ok la, spoil at most buy new one ah. but sorry hor, now i struggling to pay sch fees. u buy me new one if rounded ok? thanx
for this, i wanna justify one thing. i really try to be understanding. but being kind, understanding, patience, doesn't do good for ur wallet. got one time i openly lend my tools. knn. use my 9/16 gear wrench to BREAK TORQUE. bro. i got spanner. i even got 9/16 spline. y must use my gear wrench? so in the end, the internal gear probably broke or smth, can still work but isnt smooth.
on another instance, i lend someone my tool, totally lost and gone. snap-on bro.
another one, i lend my 3/8 drive ratchet handle, u use the ratcheting side as hammer. bro. u use the handle part, i still can tahan. u use the ratcheting side for f?! u're not gg to get the leverage u need to with that 3/8 drive movable part there. so, in the end, not surprisingly and almost expectedly (looking at the way the tool is being treated), the gear inside broke. couldn't turn the ratcheting ANYMORE. was abit annoyed that time. but since i had time, i managed to find a way to secretly fixed it until its good as new. #goodjobgirl #butustillgirl
and lastly, on another instance, i bought this extension pole just reach this t/r button. i really 好心 put in the dept to let everyone use so ppl dun have to push step just to reach that button. ppl take and use, never put back, nvm. so got one time, i can't find it (coz ppl nv put back at its original place).. so i went around to search high and low for it. in the end... i found it.. at the back of the van. broken. the plastic handle part was obviously used to hit hard metal part, while the end of the stick was broken off and now shorter. KNN. excuse me. no.1, u borrow u never ask, its ok. but at least put back. no2. u freaking broke it, (and didn't have the brains to realize the a hollow aluminium rod has 0 impact strength on anything that is needs whacking.), maybe at least INFORM. i wont kiamsup-ly ask u to pay it coz its a $7.90 tool which i have alrdy have the mindset that it's gonna be gone. but not like this pls. so until today, its still broken, and shorter. i just deburr it and tape it around so can still use for its purpose. but just annoyed coz i'm alrdy so short, and u just wanna make it more challenging for me.

7. my shift was diff from the guys so i had to leave the ac, so i wanna keep my tools. but they needed some of my tools, ok can. so he wanted to borrow this small cutter of mine. reason being.. coz 'shiok to use'. eh.
ok. to put things into perspective, he needed a cutter for the cotter pin. like those huge one. (the same guy who used my extsn bar as a drift) Y MUST U USE MY SMALL CUTTER. i specially, specifically, scientifically, technically, bought that relatively expensive cutter just to reach hardtoreach access areas that need to cut those thin eni lockwire. coz sometimes u really just need one small good accutae madeinJapan precision cutter so it makes ur life easier. but no. u had to use that small cutter for ur big cotter pin.. bc 'shiok to use'.
the tool box that we took had a cutter. and, i even (in my most patient unagitated voice) said like, eh, i lend u my cutter also coz this one i buy to use for those eni lockwire at under cockpit /pedastal area. he still emphasize 'nvm ah. shiok to use'. that is x2. fck it. i was just too annoyed with the same guy. whatever. bare minimum, just make sure no tool is left in the ac.

8a. so while the other guys were busy, i had to close the t/r, with another trainee LAE. holy cow. he duno how to close fan cowl eh. EH BRO. u alrdy in OJT phase. and, its been at least 2 mths u here liao eh. i T2 eh, i do many other ac types eh. u everyday only this one ac type ehhhhh. #candontanot
this one just irritates me max. i'm just annoyed everyday abt engineers, esp trainee engrs who dont give a shit about their job. ok, if u dont wanna take the initiative to ask / to learn / to work / to try / to act / to look bz , at least how know to open fan cowl can? no need tools one eh. u just need to press button. ok for this type, maybe abit 'tricky' to u coz need to unlatch the lock using the handle. but bro. this one really for ur own good. at least know how to open the fan cowl? if u from like cmu or what, ok ah. but pls ah, next time dont say u ojt from our dept. later ppl think we nv work on engine.
then ah. ok la, coz i was bz closing all the other latches on my own, so i had to ask him to push away the step so can close the cowl. then like.. he was like struggling to push the step(?). as he was trying, got this like screechy sound. #SLAPSHEAD #INBOLD eh bro. MAYBE THE STEP LOCK. just maybe ah. maybe u wanna try unlocking it? maybe it will work? #justmaybe. i alrdy down there closing everything by myself (good coz finally can work w/o ppl trying to not let me work), so ah, u only got 1 job which is to push the step away. i dun think u need experience to realize if something is stuck, i.e does not move with effort, maybe u wanna LOOK AROUND, or at least think about y got screechy sound. eh. lucky is step lock eh. i cannot imagine if like stuck coz of the engine in the way or smth, then keep pushing. hahas. #Godhelpme
so anyway, he pushed the step away, engine fully closed, then go back veh sit. issit the step no need to put back? then all the tools will walk back ah. since we're at this, i also wanna add on. hahas.

8b. u also duno how to appy anti-seize. ok. maybe if u a technician with many yrs of experience and still duno how to apply correctly, i can still understand eh. but hor, u local degree graduate eh. XXX mech engrg, specializing in aerospace. (feeling ashamed to typed that out-not my sch btw.), do u even understand do material science, or at least, read the shit out of it. coz i saw how he applied the anti-seize compound........... ok, ideally, u need to mix it up, so that the oil (in layman's term) and those super tiny ball bearing-ish compound shit can be mixed to be a... anti-seize compound- made for its purpose as with the name obviously puts it. so he just apply a few drops of the floating oil on the thread. eh bro. ppl alrdy scoop some out, put on the cover so can reach for it w/o getting ur hands dirty. good that u wearing disposible gloves though, but even more so, #WHYbroWHY.
so i tried to erm.. teach educate share my knowledge/experience abit.. i say like.. eh bro.. need to have abit of the thick thick stuff on it coz it inside got tiny bearings to anti-seize it ah.. then he was like 'oh yea, i know'. #ohbrother. #uknoweh. (but then hor, i see like ur 4, 5 bolts all just a few drops of the oil eh). is that maximum effort? or issit u trying to cut cost. #bitchmodeon #buthowtobitchmodeoff


8c. everyday, these 2 trainee engrs who is about same as my shift just annoys me. i know i'm in no position to judge or care. but they come in, sit there play phone. dun bother about what tools to prep, its ok, nvm. but ur engrs all prepping the docs, the spares.. issit u know everything alrdy? even when in ac, sometimes the job done alrdy, just go back veh sit down. issit all the tools and u/s items will ownself walk back to the veh. sometimes even ah, the techs all working on other jobs, then the engr go do his inspn on his own.. like need to open apu door and all... they can just go sit in the veh eh. eh wows. u really buaypaiseh ah? ppl drive u to the bay eh. look bz abit la. pick up the rags or smth. so hor, i guess i shouldn't be surprised if u duno how to open the fan cowl. ok ah. at least u know that come to bay need to wear vest.


9. ok so work ended. supposed to go meet this carousell buyer. he agreed to meet at this place at 5.30pm. i reached there, texted him.. no reply. ok nvm. 10mins later, i sms him via his number. another 15mins later, then he replied that he got something on then cant come.
EHH. u got something on 5.30pm cannot text ah. ppl working on ac can afford to be responsible to check /reply at certain timings / deadlines... issit u doing like some diving/underwater job that u can't use ur phone.. or driving or whatever. ok maybe la. idk, so i can't judge and i'm gonna give u the benifit of the doubt coz its also not my problem to find anything to validate ur tardiness/ absence. so in the end, i waited for 30mins, then go home. he suggested to meet tmr. #okigiveuonemorechance. but ok, i have to note, he was kind enough to apologize, and say like 'i dont mind paying more' for the item'. ok la, i admit i cheepo trying to earn money, so i wont feel insulated that u ask me that, but i think i also got that integrity and pride to keep it at that agreed price. #okgivemyselfsomerespectabit


10. ok, so i wanted to go home liao. i went to my bike which was in the bike lot... knn. kena trapped by 1 bike by the side and 1 car by the front. diagonally behind is a abit of a grass patch. come out is can come out. but sia la. duno how many times i fwd back fwd back fwd back.
but hor, to neutralize it, earlier on when i reach the cp area, i was like.. oh wow. at least got 1 more bike lot for me eh. (coz usually that area bike lot always full). haha. so i guess such goodness on a bad day isn't gonna be good after all seyyy.


11. finally rode home. otw home, i was just mentally thinking.. i really hope i do make it home safely. murphy's law today really game strong. so yes, nothing much happened otw home, other than a few cars cutting into my lane w/o signalling in which i had to apply break. at least no need jam break. almost home. then like while i was just 1.5 m away for my usual lot, this teenage who was smoking, spat right into my lot. if i'm having a good day ah, ok la, whatever, go another lot loh. but hor.... with all these rage at work, buyer not turning up so my trip down is wasted, and i just need 1 more sec to park my bike so i can end my day peacefully, U HAD TO SPIT IN MY LOT. got drain at the side. got grass patch 2m infront.... Y MY LOT SIA. i infront of u, and alrdy going in to my lot.. y that lot.
#Fannoyed.


so yes. i'm homed now. spent so much time blogging redundant stuff that does not add value to my life nor anything positively interesting to whoever happen to even bother reading this. if u really manage to read through the whole chunk of vomitted shit, i wanna thank u. i hope the #bitchmodeON comes off as something u can LOL at coz i think i would when i'm in a more... peaceful state.
but yea. i think its to a point that its so funny to be this annoyed. idk if u can call it #passionate or what. but sorry. i've alrdy passed the point where i agree that being hardworking or capable in life doesn't take u far/anywhere, but all these ah. just pls dun disturb my tools and i.


idk if its something to be thankful for actually.
i'm sooooo annoyed by so many little things, that i didn't even have any emoness left to emorant on twitter or send out negative emo vibes on ig.
and i know that tmr will be a good day coz to be something worse than the string of events today is gonna be a feat for the world to cooperate on that. but hor, i shouldn't say so soon. maybe tmr morng my bike can't start, or like key break agian, or like fuel leak? who knows right.
just wanna pray that God can keep me safe and functional so that mother poon dont have to do hospital visitation of a patient at her age, and she can continue to be happily playing her ipad, tapping the credit card at worry, while cooking good food for me when i come home for dinner.
that's all i ask for in life now really.



and last disclaimer, if any bitch wanna screenshot and intentionally wanna stirr shit at my workplace, by all means really. coz these feelings are not 见不得光 and all these actions have indeed taken place. its just my internal interpretation and i think i'm polite enough to not fck anyone up in the face coz its just unnecessary and well.. i only T2. actually if should u want to create awareness by informing the respective parties, gd eh. at least they're aware of their actions and can start thinking about how to make the workplace more positive, effective and efficient.



ok. phew. glad to be blogging out.
guess since i dont have anyone else to text and rant my personal shit, blogging does help.
thanks for reading, to whoever who unfortunately stumble across.

insignificant significant days

Just went to the gym and swim after morng shift. Its been awhile since i have this routine after a morng shift.

Idk if im expecting to be like a switch that i can just forget all that has happened, but the heavy days are significant. Just last night, i dreamt of ur gf. I dreamt that we were gd friends, duno doing what tgr. Wts right. Hahahas. Idk if im that of a nice girl or what, though i am happy for u, of course i got jealous abit la. So idk how did that dream come about. But i woke up, feeling like a derailed train. And today at work, i saw u again. Its one of those rare times that our eyes meet that u couldnt siam. I smiled at u as if like u're just like another colleague from another dept that ive not worked with, while ur nonchalant smile was recognizable. Idky those butterflies still flutter at the sight of u. Not sure if they were reserved for u or what, but i just hope they'd stop fluttering like mad in my stomach when i see u.

While swimming today, i find myself more focused, more hardworking than the usual chilloutworkout. When im mentally in that state while exercising, i know i've got alot to sort out internally. I teared abit in the water today, but it didnt matter. Just that it was abit annoying that i had to manually drain the tears out of my goggles. Haha. Might as well dun wear right. Let my tears be carried away by the water, just like the ppl of Atlantis. Hahas.

But i've really been thinking.
All the guys who have left me have many exes b4. So what's another one like me to add on to the count right. Its so easy for them to just pick up and let go. Im not sure if i wanna be like them, but hmmm, i still think of d, though it has been like 12 yrs?! Kh almost overwrite it totally, but almost.

Idk if this one is another cause of being misunderstood, but certainly, there are things i dont understand. I feel that im out of ur league as my self-esteem creates more layers of blurr.
I think i love u, that said without much conviction. Its not so much as im not sure or what, but just dont dare. I just wanted to get to know u as a friend better, so i can trust u and move on tgr without the insecurities of losing u. I probably didnt know how to script my intentions properly, but u were clear to explain that i had to sort out my insecurities on my own, for myself, b4 i turn to u. And in the meantime, keeping u as a friend isnt fair to u. Then what is fair to me? Sorry la. /Yeah, I got issues, And one of them is how bad I need you. (Haha, ya that song).

Honestly, thinking about it, its just like u trying to tell me to drive a car straight on the road w/o a steering wheel. Here i am, wanting to spend more time with u as a friend so that i can trust u more, but on the other hand, u want me to trust u more w/o interaction with u as a friend, unless its a more than friend thing. Then u tell me to text u only when i need u, whether i want or not. Is this what u think of me? Loyalty is one of my traits and im pretty sure about that. How do u think i feel? But yea, u probably dont know me more than u think u do. Well, its also coz idk myself either. Haha. And so with that, i discovered that my care and concern to ur well being transcends to me being a conversation killer. Haha. If i tell that to my friends (esp my close bros at work). i think they'll lol. Me being a conversation killer... i think more often than not, they'll want me to shut up. So that's me, being myself. With u, im not myself coz i just cant be. Too scared to lose u? And in trying not to lose u, i have successfully done it.
But then again, shouldnt give myself too much credit coz maybe u didnt really love me to begin with..u probably just love the feeling and initial process. What's new right.

How ah.
Probably girl mode triggered now, but it just goes to show that u dont love me for who i am, to be patient and work things out slowly, together. At least in my sch, i can withdraw from the final exam and try again on the next sem. With u, withdrawing to prepare stronger again is an immediate failure, no chance given. Haha.

So yea. At the gym today, its like aft office hours, there were many guys as compared to the morng hours. I was actually a little irritated. Like just to be in the presence of these guys. Like ugh. I mean at work is diff ah. Maybe coz i know them liao. But just feeling abit uncomfortable to be with guy strangers. Some girls came in later... but they were here for some gym prog tgr with more guys.
Hahah maybe really im not straight sia. But fck this shit. Im tired of meeting new ppl and getting my life into this shit hole again. Its like, early this yr, i was really picking up myself well. Like came March, it become so so much better. Probably too much goodness for my life that it had to be taken away at this instant.
So just like today, im like... y am i in this place all over again. I dun want to revisit those dark dungeons and get caught there. It took alot of me to unchain myself, so y must u pick me up and throw me back into the rut? My mistake was probably reaching out my hand for u to hold, coz I really thought that u could lead me out. But somehow to u, want u to hold my hand out was unfair to u. Haha. Maybe u like me in the darkness more than me in the light..or rather, in the light, u didnt like what u see so u had to throw me away.

Tbh, i've nv felt so abandoned b4. Even when kh left me, i didnt felt so unwanted. Mayb coz with kh, i've come to realize that i brought it upon myself since from the start, i knew at the back of my heart and mind that she was the one for u. But with this one, maybe coz u're just so smart and rational, throwing me away like that is the most logical thing to do, so right that i cant find any more reason that u'd actually want to keep me. Bz or not bz, i dont think that's even part of the consideration.

So what do i do now?
Well, i've always been trying to move on. It has been like this since 2007. So it shouldnt be that difficult to be back in this tryingtomoveonemostate. Thats probably my default setting while keeping myself busy. Its just the part of feeling super worthless and unwanted that i need to see pass it coz there was a point in time did i really did think that u were the one that i could walk with for the road. But ur premature departure was probably the best option for u in the end and i guess i should learn to be thankful that u're doing it now rather than if my heart went deeper.

I still miss u.
Probably like crazy.
But i cant validate that.

episode 3

 

yesterday was a good Saturday. its been awhile since i've had a packed day like that. sailing in the morning, then Ballet Under the Stars in the evening, then night shift.

i would blog about it, but i think i'd wanna sort my heart out first. 

i think that was it.

he's left.

i got a ticket for him for the night a few months back, and he said like "i've marked it down my calendar". but when the day came, he didn't even bother to text if he's coming or not. i'm not sure if he's forgotten about it, or dun wanna go, but i think at least it's only responsible that he inform me that he wouldnt be going for whatever the reasons? pride or no pride, courtesy should exist. if i was in his position, i still would inform right?

i think that was utterly disappointing, but also awakening.

guess its another one that refuses to spend time with me as friends first before moving on. so this morng after night shift, i went home and tore out those few pages from the book, so that i can stow everything away into that box and hide it forever. didnt feel like working at all during night shift. in fact, i was struggling emotionally during work on every other day. i uds that he's bz, he also says he's busy.. but tt time i when i went to okc to deactivate my acc, i saw him online, and he even updated his profile and all. feeling abit sensitive coz i was actually triggered. i mean like, u say u're bz and all, u dont even check my igs, but u have time for okc eh. hahas. Like u stopped liking all my posts too. Pathetic csi bitch me... hahas, but coz i care(d)? But yea, u didnt ask me abt my exam results, nor text me abt my tournament in which u said u'd like to go down and support. Hahas. But what if its the other way round- i text u abt them? Comtemplated alot but decided i shouldn't also. Maybe i fear rejection from u since each time i try to converse with u, u'd see it as a conversation killer. V sad one u know; getting ur genuine heart trampled on. 

but that was it, coz everything he says validates his actions though they seem to be conflicting. i felt like i've met me. with kh, i felt tt i was too rational, too practical in a r/s. with this one, i felt like i'm being the too emotional one. i'm not sure if kh has changed me for the better or i've finally met someone who was like the practical me. but all in all, i cannot tolerate disloyalty? 

but what was i expecting right?

online.

haha. i probably invested too much and too fast emotionally. it shouldnt be surprise if he can change his.... erm.. 'target' so soon since u can try again online right?

everyone wants fast game fast solution; nobody, who goes online, would probably wanna naively spend abit more time to get to truly know the person first. 

i'm very sad coz there was indeed a point in time that i thought like he was different from the others. i thought that we could slowly work things out a little tgr. but he was just clouded with his practical ideologies that my emotional state that was incomprehensible, became something he could not deal with. he'd probably think he had it controlled by giving me the option and all, but it was clear that he didn't want to fight for me, and neither did he even want to fight with me anymore. i made him tired and gave him no reason because simply, there was no love to begin with.

he mentioned something like "one thing my phd taught me. if it is important to you, you get it done regardless of the method", which was another validation to me coz he perfectly understood that. he wasn't doing anything to keep me. i didn't need him to do anything actually. i just needed time and patience. but i guess he didn't see any reason to wait for me. but that's also right, coz i didn't see anything in me that's worth for him to him anyways. i love him, but his reactions to my actions made my doubt my love. everything i tried to do seems to be triggering and agitating him. this was something i really didn't see coming but yea, i guess i shouldnt think so highly of myself either. 

he also clearly specified that he wanted me to get rid of my issues before texting him. fair enough. he was ok that i seek other people for emotional support as well. he was just like me in the past- before kh. i thought like oh good, there's trust. but now i uds how kh feels right now. 

anyway, its been pretty hellish trying not to text him while he has stopped texting entirely. but i guess its getting better since, just like the others, they are clear. either we move on tgr, or we go our separate ways. 

through this episode, it did make me miss kh even more. and i guess, 

changing myself for someone who love me was probably easier than trying to change myself to make someone love me. 

so for that, i guess for kh to say i'm selfish, it's does make all the sense now. though kh was a man of fewer words, he was a man of actions. least he did what he could do while the practical me kept making it difficult for him. i just needed to change my dressing, my mannerism and time management. looking back, that's actually easier than trying to immediately eradicate my emotional insecurities. haha. but yea, so much for all those empty words. i wouldn't call them promises, but i shouldn't have listened to all those flowery words again when now they dont mean a thing. i mean like, u have said things like u'd bring me out on a date or catch a musical tgr, but now u dont even reply to a ticket i got for u. it wasn't a surprise nor something unplanned. i uds that u're busy. but i trust that u're more capable than that- not to actually turn up, but just to send a simple text like, 'im not going'. 3 words.. probably would take erm... less than 30sec, including scrolling down to my name in ur WA. so i try to console myself that maybe u forget about it. but really? haha. who am i kidding. so actually, idk which is worse.... forgetting or choosing not to.

that's the irony uh, i'm suppose to stop being emotionally insecure while u stop giving me assurance.

maybe that's how its suppose to work also. but really, what am i expecting from a... 2 month... friend/morethanfriend that i met online right. we've only spent time studying tgr and occassionally having a couple of meals out. there's nothing i should hold on to also right. take it as a lesson learnt i guess. shouldn't think so highly of myself also.

well, at least i've tried online. hahahs!

its heartbreaking, but it seems that i'm getting used to it. the cut is still deep, not as deep, but deep enough to feel those physical heartaches again even when the sun is still up. but yea, i will never meet up random ppl just like that coz it involves more intention actually. 

looking back, i do regret meeting up with u on the 23rd. i mean like, if we didn't meet up and we just kept to texting... and if u stopped texting like this, i think it's also easier. 

as with kh, i should have learned to stop taking initiatives. this is what i get loh. its like giving someone the opportunity to break u. y do i have to put myself through that? instead of expecting someone to be patient with me, i should be more patient with myself first. anyone who wants to keep u will find ways to do so instead of hijacking whatever opportunity that is available by chance.

but yea, i dont think i should need another 10 yrs for this one. 

so let's just go back to default 2018 me. but no, i dont think i'm wanting kh back as a bf, but i still want him back as my friend. i dont think that's selfish. but if it's not going to be ok with her, then that's selfish loh. haha but given kh's principles, its still best that i stay away forever. 

so i guess i'm back again at square 1.

lonely days will be over soon. :) 

there's just too much to do. been watching

itchyboots

on youtube. yea, he intro me to that channel. but watching her ride round the world like that really inspires me. like fck all the fears and shit. just do what makes u happy. obviously as an asian, that's not an easy notion. i wanna do my masters in UK, i wanna get a job that allows me to travel like mad, but i love mother poon too much to leave her alone at home. i'm glad that i dont feel like its an obligation or anything, its easy when there's love. she loves me, and i love her. like i do shout at her and she says me for whatever reasons, but the next day (or sometimes abit more), its all fine. all pure and honest. nothing to hide. nothing to act. just raw us, and i'm just thankful for a family like that. i miss my daddy. idk if i wish that he was still around now coz he would be a freaking 78 yr old man. but i do wish that i had abit more time with him esp when i'm in aviation. he's be proud to have a daughter at his workplace i guess.

so that's first half of 2019.

its almost quite a defining year for me. not going to overestimate 2019, but i'm glad and thankful to be out of 2018. 2019 March was no doubt one of the happiest months i've been. but happiness is always a fleeting moment isn't it? look at how March progressed till June. when u're down, u can only go up. but when u're up, u've all the chances to go down too. so lets just try to keep it at equilibrium; be grateful for all the little things and try to smile at all the challenges.

i hope to be close to God again.

i think i've been listening to my own voice for too long that i dont even know that i'm doing that. i'm probably too clouded with what i'm supposed to do in life, rather than trusting everything on Him. His love is unconditional and incomprehensible and that's y its so easy for us to just take it for granted. sometimes we place too much effort on a certain individuals that it just becomes too toxic. 

i do want to be postiive and respectable agajuin. i dont like myself in this state, trying to blame myself for everything or trying to validate every other extrinsic thing.  

there's a difference between expectation and being hopeful.

i do want to be hopeful, but not expecting. 

But yea, staying away from u is also the best for everyone. Hope u can finish ur journal soon. Its been too long.

null

perhaps its the monthly hormones, but just feeling really dull.
really unmotivated, but it feels... ok.

haha. 2018 was really so bad that i'm really thankful for each day in 2019.
i still miss him so much. but what balances that out is knowing that he's probably happier with someone else. some days i do think like... there's still a chance since they're not engaged yet. but most days, i'm thankful because she led u to a change in ur faith for whatever the reasons.

i feel like i'm (slightly) more positive, but i'm not sure if its coz i've got no more drive or expectation to do better in life. i mean, ppl can just walk out on u like this.
the ppl i trust the most in significant points in my life tend to leave me eventually. i'm tired of it, like really tired of trying in any way. even if our lives are busy, even if we have commitments, if u're not worth a place in someone's heart, then y make it so difficult right?

its like, idk if its coz either idk the person well enough, or he has changed over a course of time.
just this week, i can feel my principles shifting, or rather, being deleted. like i used to think like oh.. the person whom u love (and spend the rest of ur life with) should be able to understand u, be responsible, be hardworking, etc... then i realize, all these intangibles are so unfixed. so fluctuating. nothing really stands. y not, like what our aunties always advice us.. find a rich man to marry.
tangible? yea.
of course money is exhaustible. but if the guy is filthy rich, doesnt gamble / spend like mad, and spending millions of dollars is insignificant to him, then might as well let me spend his money and buy all these worldly fleeting momentary happiness and at least have some ability to shower love to those around me... what is love? no need uh. since u dont love him, there's nothing to be disappointed about right. even if he doesn't love u, it also doesnt matter, whatever his agenda is.

like i really dont need a husband to love me.
i just need my kid to have a father.
selfish thinking? yea, probably.

and i'm starting to think being selfish is good.
selfishness allows self love.
selfishness promotes self preservation.
this is something i used to be very against about, and like, tend to shamefully judge selfish ppl. but as i grow up, i realize, the struggle to just live as we grow older seems to be on an inclined slope.
it takes a selfish man to call another one selfish.

its seems like 2019 is becoming vindicative.
like in 2018,  my principles were threatened. just as i thought that i could keep them up and well again, thwarted. each effort i try becomes hyocritical to someone. its really depressing especially if u realize that u're learning to majorly fall in love again. almost there, but validated that i should stop my shit.

i didn't want to think its my problem since i'm clear that whatever i do was for someone i love alot. but if 2 person does the same thing back to u, though in different time frames, it's probably clear enough. i dont see why i should be fighting to keep the person again if he doesn't do the same. it has been proven that the harder i try, it becomes a nuisance.

i dont think i'm de-valuing myself, yet.
i just dont see a need to give my best anymore.
its like, what's the point. i mean even at work, it so easy for someone doesnt put in much heart/effort to become an engineer.
what about me?
talk about passion? not tangible.
talk about qualifications? overqualified.
talk about effort? u're still a girl.

haha. just like love.
intangible.
under-qualified.
still a girl.


i hope no one reads this post and feel like i'm making sense though i am indeed feeling that it all make sense to me right now. i just hope that if i read back on this post, i'd lol to myself and go like.. here's me going on to 30... young and full of issues.

i'd rather not have u and feel lonely.
i'd rathar have myself and feel not alone.

i dont think its fair that i blame everything on pride and ego. but through kh, i've lost some respect for myself anyway. apologising. begging. like literally choosing to spend nights outside ur door step begging for an opportunity to talk vs spending precious time with mother poon.
i've had enough of people who dont love and care about me. everything is so questionable. actions are so unjustifiable when u realize there's no love. everything is about me me me. so let me be in my own bubble until the end.

so to all the kids out there, love ur mother, and ur family. no matter how shit they can be, they're still blood related and they are probably the ones who love u the most. i mean there's a small percentage in the world that this doesn't apply, but lets just assume that society has crafted people to protect ppl of their own flesh and blood.


haha and yes, if u're even here, to u, sorry to reply ur msg on okc and wasted these months of ur time. u could have used it to finish up ur work earlier, so i'm sorry to get in the way though u alway say u got it covered. if conversing, or texting me becomes taxing, i'm sorry to make u feel obligated. i thought its good that i give u space, but everything i tried to do just worked in opposition.
i love you, or probably thought i love u, but i realize the love i have for u isn't enough to overcome myself, my issues, and him. i wanted u to love me back but its only because i just felt unwanted and not because i had ur happiness as my priority. actually initially it was, until i realize my sincerity was hypocritical to u and that i dont even know u.
but one thing good to know is that i've nv used u as a replacement or anything. through u, i gave myself another chance at love, but idk how and why it has become so toxic over the weeks and months. but that's enough validation for me. i mean if its our work, travelling, distance (physical/mental) or whatever, then i guess we've failed the test. my honesty was something u doubted about and not well recieved, so it becomes confusing. what we've spoken about during the early phases does not seem to be in tandem. perhaps i'm the one who's changed. i've learnt to guard my heart even more fiercely; i shouldnt love so loosely like that as well. with u, i felt inadequate and even more hopeless. choosing to walk away was painful though not as much. its back to dull. back to null. but i guess walking away now is better than either of us walking away after many years. i'm disappointed, but if i feel this way, than u also probably deserve someone better. but yea, that's not my priority coz its still about me- like i seem to thrive in my emo shit than trying to get out / succeed at it. idk if u're seeing anyone right now, but for me to even think that way, then all the more i dont deserve u or those bits of feelings u had initially.


hahas. omg. i really feel like shit right not. while 2018 is the worst year for me, 2019 is the worst version of myself. at least in 2018, though i grieved and almost went crazy, at least i'm a more reliable and responsible person in life. right now, my attitude sucks and there's nothing much i bother to say abt it. its weird and probably alarming coz i'm not super devastated or what. idk how to really describe. probably genuinely the 'i give up on life'. its reallly not just about my love life, but even at work, i know that i'm not giving my best anymore. y bother trying so hard when not trying allows more peace.

idk if its really coz 2018 as built a 'stronger' me coz 'what doesnt kill us makes us stronger', hahas, or issit coz i just dont give a shit anymore- since i'm the shit. hahas. its like i feel so ugly inside out, and i just dont give a shit. perhaps in the past i would worry like if ppl dun like me or more imptly, if my heart isn't in the right place.. but really. fck it. haha. what professional help do i need? i'm fine what. just do whatever i wanna do, be selfish but dont go out of line/ be a criminal or do illegal shit, i should be fine and survive well. i dun think i have any purpose in life, but i think i might need to go back church. probably going back just because i feel like as a christian, it should be a routine or smth. though no longer the sincere, hardworking genuine girl, at least there's more direct opportunities that biblical words can speak to my heart and change it back to how God would be happy about. sns, but more aptly, thank you.



to really be honest, there's alot more i wanna say, mostly conflicting stuff to whatever that's mention. but i choose to give up coz i'm tired of needy me. thank u for no longer being there so i know that i dont have anyone to find or run to. my daily nothings are really daily nothings since i'm not even living each day to my fullest and best. no one needs to know how am i, coz its just gg to be the same. nothing will disappoint since there's nothing to expect or hope.
nothing to be happy about since its just about getting past each day till my last breath.
i dont wish to die now in this state though, but i have no hope in changing myself either. haha. that irony. maybe tmr i read this post and go like.. wts gurl. but fck it.
i just want to document all these feelings down and rmbr it, rmbr how real life is.

midway and not quite.

and with a blink of an eye, its mid June alrdy.

so much on my mind, i dont even know where to begin this time.

this space has been all about u in the recent posts, and i guess today, it'll still be (unfortunately) about u. 

as always, i've wanted this space to be documenting my adventures and my moments, so as to share my experiences and info with ppl. however, it was pretty clear that ever since 2014/15, my posts has become less frequent, because of instagram and whatever nots. and with all the piled up emotions, i realized i still find some solace in running back to here, just to type out my tangled thoughts, in hope organize them and find some form of temporary solution which can hopefully be made permanent. 

ok. so. 2019. so far, it has definitely got better since 2018 was really the lowest point in my life.

work has been constant, not because it has been, but its because my drive and passionate has taken a plunge detour. i'm still passionate about what i do and i still strive to do it well. i still have the zest to learn and troubleshoot at every opportunity. however, i have learnt to manage my own expectations vs what the company can give. we'll see how it goes, but meanwhile, i'm still continuing to go to work, enjoy the job, enjoy the company of my fellow colleagues. 

i still hope that i'd be a positive and motivating worker and to some extent, an inspiration to those around; esp if i'm a girl and i can do shit, i hope it stimulates / aggravates ppl to do better. hahas.

sch.

ok. this sem has been really good. too good that i find myself struggling coz i wasn't struggling. hahas. as usual, i took 4 mods, but out of the 4 mods, i think only 2 of which were challenging. i had a lot of time for the 2 challenging mods since the other 2 was somewhat my kinda shit. 

so anyway, exams went well. i think i performed within my expectations. results out 19 july and its the first time i am this excited to get my results. i'm expecting ermm.. 3 As and 1 B+ ? hopefuly i can get A+ for structures and Flight line man or even Manufacturing. i didnt do so well for the Avionics paper since most of it can be found somewhere in the text/pyeps..

ok so, i was generally more focused this time round. 

also because i got to know someone in March.

its June now. 3 months. 

its been on a high. so high that the plunge became inevitable.

before i go into that new... friend, 

lets talk about u in my mind for now. 

u've been in my mind every single day. perhaps not so much in march, but u're still very much there.

through social media, its kinda obvious that u're now with the girl whom i told u that u'd be suited with. yea i'm jealous, but i am happy for u. 

i'm glad that she can probably make u a happier person and i also found out that u're baptized!

i think that really hit me real hard.

yes, i am stalking u, so much that she has deleted me off her follower list so i can't no longer see her posts. sad but i guess i gotta give her some space. but i do see some of ur friend's stories though u dont post anything at all. i'm risking it to be blogging this out here (later someone find out then block me off on every platform), but i'm pretty sure that u wont be in this space and i also shouldn't think so highly of myself. pls give me a little path out at least?

but i'm glad.

though idk what made u decide to follow Him, but i'm just glad u did and i do think it's probably through her. i know these are things not for me to think of, but i can't help thinking why can't i be a better salt and light for Him for you so that u could see His love through me. was i (still) that broken?  i realize that u've also got a new playlist to have songs about Him and His grace and mercy. i wanted to share those songs with u, but u never seem to be interested while i was afraid that u'd think i'm one of those "staunch Christians" who gives no one a choice to decide on their own faith.

i do miss u. still do, very much and everyday, and probably even more after this month, but i will love u by keeping my distant bc that is what u wanted me to do. i still hope for the day i could attend ur graduation or wedding, but i guess i can only hope for social media to stream a photo or 2.

its strange that we started off as strangers and now we're back at strangers again.

its also funny how time gives us such challenges, like now u have changed dept and shift so tt i can actually see u on all 4 of ur working days if i do 2 morng OTs. i still rmbr how difficult it was then to wait for our off days to coincide, and when it does, it becomes an issue for u since u (and i) had to sacrifice ot just to go out and spend more money instead of earning money.

each time i catch a glimpse of u at work, be it before or after work, it just affects the remaining time of the day. though those initial impacts is not as painful as before, but the little hurt just resides and lingers. i'm literally so close and yet so so far.

we started out as far away ones, and one we're back at even stranger ones. 

idky i love you this much also. 

but its not like i can just stop loving someone whom i've loved so deep.

through d, i've learnt that u can never really stop loving somone - you can only manage the feelings and learn to free up some space for yourself and also for someone else. this is something i have failed to do so terribly. 

its probably only this year that i realized that i am also selfish - as how u've explicitly told me. but its only coz i love u and idk how else to love u in the way u wanted me to. my ego was probably in the way to be my allow my raw and broken self come clean infront of u and hence all the struggles.

i finally tried to tidy up my HD, photos and stuff, so i happen to click on our whatsapp chat log again. i do realize u love me alot too. but u probably love me in ways i didnt know how to appreciate nor respect while i let my issues devour me and us. i drove u off bc i didn't know how to deal with my insecurities and issues, in which u chose to not stay as well. i feel, and still do feel that u're much better off w/o me; and now u really are.

i didn't knew that my issues were so real until March this year. 

i re-read my blunt words against ur trying words. its only now that i can see a person who can so hard and so cold, so recognizable, so familiar-  hello me and my monster.

i think i have PTSD.

tbh, i didn't know it was really a legit issue.

idk how and why and for how long. 

i only got some affirmation through someone i met in March. because everything was going so well, it aggravates the monster in me which was the same one u had to deal with. it only became clear when at one night, i woke up crying like mad about someone whom i love, leaving me and wanting to murder me by throwing me through a glass window and into the woods. this is not something that is normal. i do have nightmares here and then, but its never been as real as it was. the nightmares have been coming to get me. i can forget about nightmares, but recently, the nightmares have become so freaking real that when i do wake up from them, i find myself physically shaking and seriously questioning reality, not knowing if i have really woken up or not. it just throws reality off equilibrium and sometimes i dont even know if i'm really living in this real world or not. no one is ever real.
hahas. sounds so teenager-ish problems, but this is so real guys.

so, with much discussion and.... passive persuation, i've been trying to reason out by really looking at the events that have passed by all these years.

i'm beginning to think that my dad's passing did have a very very latent effect on me. 

i'm still refusing to believe it, but i can't find anything concrete that can refuse that notion. 

i'm really on the verge of seeking professional help, but i dont think i need to spend that kind of  money nor have something like this being legitly documented down in my life. my ego dont allow me to think that i have a mental sickness. besides, i've been suicidal last year and i have learnt to deal with it on my own - mother poon was and is my reason for survival. should i ever feel suicidal again in a time when mother poon is no longer around, then pls drag me to seek professional help. 

but really, my dad left me in late 2003, i was about 14 then.when u're around that age, u think u know the world, u think that u know what exactly u're dealing with. idk what it means to actually 'deal with a loss'; i knew i was sad back then, but i rmbred that i needed to be strong for my mum and that's how i survive till today - by brushing off any feelings of loss.

and then, i decide to let d into my life in 2005 after many yrs of friendship. with him, we're really young then with much teenager struggles. before i could learn to love myself, my insecurities drove him away since knowing me well isn't the same as knowing me on the the surface. 

i became really insecure as time goes by, i  still continue to keep myself really busy to not let myself deal with that growing monster. in 2014, u came by. u and i knew about this monster, u chose to face it while i became ignorant about it. i took up another degree in 2016 (10% of it was also to keep me my mental health sane and current) which took a toil on my life alot while driving u away too. 

and soon enough, here in 2019, probably its part of the adulthood package, the monster grew up too. its probably a gd thing coz  it's becoming even more obvious that i have a problem when i met this guy who's good in breaking things down for me. 

so what's the problem now?

hahas. idk.

i find it hard to even describe my feelings and thoughts now.

probably my dad's passing somehow created an effect that anyone who loves me is gonna go eventually. all my exes has proven it, and while trying to look at the big picture, it seems that all of my r/s ended somewhat bc of the same problem- i have very limited self-love; though with different details and approaches. in each r/s, i always hoped that it would be a forever, till we're old, slow and wrinkly and all, but with that thought, there's always this part in me that strongly believes that good times dont last. 

perhaps its this monster trying to gain its foothold that leaves me in confounding thoughts and verbalized brutal text messages as i start to love and allow someone in even more. since i find it hard to love myself for who i am, how the hell should i expect anyone to love me for who i am. so, it does make sense that when whoever tries to get close and know me who i really am, it becomes a big subtle disappointment that only true unconditional love could overcome. and even with that one last resolution, i find myself subconsciously rejecting it in every way. sometimes it feels that im schizo. i dont think that i'm that extreme yet, but i'm probably quite clueless. i dont even know how to love anyone they way the want me to anymore.

i dont even dare to love anymore.

through u, i've learnt not to take initiatives anymore, unless i'm damn sure / unless when i know i've controlled that monster in me. i find hard to love freely and accept myself for who i am ever since my flaws have been constantly amplified. the the more i love someone, the more i find it hard to love myself.

in march, it really did feel like i finally found someone who would tide over with me. perhaps i was too naive that the monster had to react and now i'm left with running away since nothing i do give comfort to anyone or myself. at the moment, i still feel like being alone is really the best solution to everyone and myself since it my monster wont burden any individuals.

i am tired of myself.
i dont think my monster allows any visitations anymore. i'm giving up, which also means that i'm giving u up. im tired of trying because it always seem to backfire and put a strain even on the friendship. after loosing so many important ppl in my life even as friends, i dun think i wanna lose another. even if it means that u're gonna walk away, i'd rather u do it now b4 memories are created which adds more haunting to my nightmares all over again. rn now, it does feel that he's feeling the burden alrdy and no longer wanna text me and deal with my mess so i think its all good that he should walk away now before deciding that much later.
anyway, i hope our 50yrs old pac still stands.
sigh.


whatever it is, i thank God for giving me the ups and downs. 2018 has definitely allowed me to become 'stronger' when it comes to hard hits like that. perhaps being strong may not be applicable to all situations coz it does become threatening and misleading. but i have to understand that b4 i can even allow anyone to enter my life again, i gotta get rid of my monster first or learnt to tame it.
sorry to those who tread across my heart, i shouldn't even have allowed such a path in too. thank u for those who stayed as well. i'll try to be a better version of myself first.

moving on to 2019

hi. as busy as i always am, i try to make it a point to reflect and sum up the year in 1 blog post.
1 word to describe it: B R U T A L
this is also the year i learnt that "u'll nv know how strong u are until being strong is the only option."
its like just when i thought that life couldn't get anyworse, my bike key broke at 3am, 1 wk before exams.


this year, i rmbr struggling so so much. everyday, everything is about you.
i think i might have gone into depression.
i rmbr crying randomly... sometimes while i'm riding home or something. its not those like teardrops by tear drops, but it's those kind like flood gates open and mucus all over kind. it was weird. i mean, i do think of u every day, almost every moment, but though it seems like it just a constant thought, somehow, something just triggers.

i really wanted to seek legit professional help. but 1. i dont have the money, 2. i dont need such records tied to my NRIC coz i think i'm better than that. i mean, just to document it down here, i was actually suicidal at some points. but i allowed my ego to shine through, to at least preserve my life to those who can love me for who i am. not point ending this physical life just to bring hurt to those around. its really not worth it though the pain brought by just 1 person can be so so immense. besides, the holding thought was that mother poon still needed me, as much as i still needed her in my life.

so with that, i saw another side of me.
i could really be so damn broken.


this year (2018), was alot about searching.
i was trying to find my identity. i forgot what i liked, what i loved.
for the past 4 years, everything i did or think was about you. so when you left, it felt so empty that i didn't even know what clothes to wear go out. for those years we've spent tgr, everyday i've been trying to adjust to your liking. so w/o u, it seems that i've lost a purpose and a direction.
so when you told me that all i did was selfish, i really went to reflect.
all i could get out of those darkest times was that my love wasn't enough for u because u couldn't love me for who i am despite all my efforts trying to change myself to who u wanted me to be.


i was still very uncertain about my life. i mean, i still am even till now though, but in dec, it suddenly got much better. i guess coz this yr, i could finally go out and meet with all my friends. i mean, i dont like to really socialize, but i just like to catch up with ppl whom i've grown up with, who values my time and heart. i dont think i need any validation from anyone, but just through dinner and conversing normally with friends again, i realize, though i've lost you entirely, i managed to get my friends back.

with work and studies, very little time was left for my/our family and friends. my family came first, then ur family. then, we had very litttle time for ourselves together, and really no time left for our friends. u also didn't like that i hang out with my guy friends, which is also the dominant gender of my friends given the routes i've taken up in life.
i still rmbr that u resented the fact that going out with me meant that u couldn't do OT. ur 3on2off gives more days for OT as compared to my 4on3off; though it also meant little sleep time for u. who doesn't want/ need to earn extra cash right. i've been working so hard, and trying to save up on stuff but i ever once thought that giving up OT for u wasn't worth it. but oh well, i'm not worth ur time anyway, so that explains alot.

unfortunately, i still love you. i'm still trying to digest the fact that someone who was once the closest being on earth to u is now a complete stranger. i thought we could be friends still, but to you, i'm such a dirt and trash that keeping up with a friendship with me just waste all of ur time and energy. i get that.
i'm just so damn hurt. and for that, i will never accept a guy like u back in to my life. it's just so so damaging. i became so ugly. i didn't like who i was. u didn't want me to be kind to others. we all have our pasts and struggles, but that shouldn't stop us from being kind towards others. there's a fine line being kind and stay safe/ protected. but i think if everyone's insecurities stops us from being kind, this world is going to be a cold, dark place. its funny how u call me selfish but u stop me from being kind to others, whatever the reasons.

anyway, i just hope that you wont do such damage to other girls again. pls. ur friend has also hurt me bad but i dont wanna rmbr that and go down to her level of reasoning since u've chosen to trust her. but for the girl who u think (and i hope) u're loving now, i just hope that u'd learn how to be selfless. u'd learn to love someone for who they are and not inflict self harm. if she can bring u happiness, i'd be really glad that finally someone could make u smile and not tired and upset all the time.


so, 2018 is all a blurry dark struggle.
probably 90% was all about u.

studying was just my antidote to get away though it's also the source of the stresses. i did 6 mods in 2018 July sem. i worked so damn hard. it was so painful, and i sacrificed so much. too much. my hardwork was validated with the 3As and 3Bs i got. i wished for better grads for some of the mods, but i can't regret anything coz i really really commited and gave my best. sometimes i'm not sure if the sacrifices are worth it, but i think God for those who stayed, especially (lonely) mother poon for being understanding. it was clear that i lost u in the process, but it did teach me alot about people in general.

though u're so not worth it come to think of it, i do foolishly think that u're worth it to me. it's only because i know that my love for u was real and true. though it may have been one-sided, at least i knew that i loved u with my all, and also discovered that i could love one human so that much.

this year, also because of u saying that i'm selfish, i evaluated that this 2nd degree is probably a selfish decision. because of passion, i gave up a $5k/mth job, to be a technician. i gave up money for the family just to study. i gave up time for my friends and family for time with you which totally backfired. but also thanks to you, it's only in this year that i thought of giving up this job that i love the most. i really love my job. it does pay well, but not now. we're looking at about the next 5 to 10 yrs time? so we'll see again after i grad. i got some plans going on, but we'll still again and i hope taking another long route will be worth the journey.


there's no end to earning more money. but i'm probably abit ashamed of myself that though i'm reaching almost 30, i can't spend money on my family as and when i want to. like, i can't bring mother poon far away for holiday or to like some European countries. i can't like give her more money to spend. i can't like go to an expensive restaurant and let her order all the expensive food.
i mean, let's not talk about nice cheap food la. i'm just saying that i can't spend money as and when i want to.
speaking of which, 2018 is also the year i finally take up all of the family's expenses. i applied a sub card for mother poon to spend on her groceries. as the years go by, though i can't up her monthly allowance, i'm literally carrying the family's expenses. money is really tight esp with all the sch fees.
but on a good note, i dont have u now, so i can spend lesser. u never liked anything i got for u anyway. the most useful thing u recieved from me is probably the microSD card for ur phone so u can store more media, but u unfortunately lost ur phone. haha, just not meant to be. yea, and i hope ur ego wont stop u from using the expensive branded wallet i got u. hahah.

ok for the record, probably as a selfish means, i did try to open my heart abit. i used Tinder, i played okc. hahas i loved those self-checking questions. its like self discovery siol. hahas. i chatted with a few ppl, but i realized, the more comfortable i get, i start to get very reclusive. i'm just so afraid to get close to anyone anymore. this 1 year has been so damn tough getting out of u. i'm still trying to hold it there and not sink back in to the dark abyss everyday, but i'm just thankful that darkness doesn't sting as much now. but having said that, i dont think i'd wanna open my heart to anyone right now. i just can't afford to.


i'm just glad that i have more time for mother poon and my family.
the last few public hols, i actually went swimming with my sis and pillioned her for the first time in almost 9 yrs of riding. i'm talking to my sis abit more also, and towards the end of 2018, i think its the first time in our lives that we're really talking. still not f2f, but just over the text.
i mean, its never bad with my sis, just that in all our years of living, we're brought up to be independent.
perhaps our independence does threaten the egos of the male counterparts, but i hope that as we learn to depend on someone who wants us to depend on , that respective person can learn to accept and respect us for who we are.

no trips this yr, except the UK trip i went because of school.
finally finished that vid and will be posting up here soon.

so now that i just have mother poon and i. i guess its abit better? 1 less worry. hahas
there's so many things in my life that needs sorting out still. other than my photos, media, sch stuff, my room and endless materialistic things of this world, i'm still learning everyday.


sorry that this post is so choppy and unorganized, but i've just too much to say in the battered heart.
there's still more that i wanna say, but i needa go off now.



lastly, i just want to thank God for this year.
really.
i'm not thanking Him just because it's only right to do so, or like oh.. let's thank God for another year. but this 2018, really. i dont usually rmbr the tough days, but somehow, i think i'll rmbr 2018. too much tears. too much weighted thoughts. and i guess, i could have ended with 2018, so i'm thankful that His grace and mercy didn't allow that.
i dont want to look back, but i still rmbr how memorable and great 2016 was. 2017 2018 is like an ultimate lead up to the darkest days of 2018 and ironically, these are the years when u said we're tgr. haha. it really seemed that we're better off lingering around as close virtual friends from end 2014, to 2015 and eventually 2016. haha, perhaps we're better off as virtual existence. but i still hope that one day u'll learn, and u're also learn to see the possible goodness of humanity and the unending love from God. i hope she'll be a vessel for Him to shine through ur thickest walls, eventually.


oh wells. i dare not expect for an easier 2019.
but i guess this episode has taught me back to be a silent fighter once again. i thought life could get easier when someone thought me to depend on him. but it's a fact that we can't depend on anyone but only on ourselves with God being our Captain. i'm not saying this with strong conviction, but come what may; coz i know i can survive another year, and even be a better, and more giving person.
i should not let any individual stop me from shinning through especially if that individual is you. what matters is family. and only blooded family stays in my case, so i thank God for that.


[i'll probably come back and edit this space again]