y y y. unpredictable things keep falling infront of me.

lets start wif the gd. i wanna thank God for friends. ulrica and joanne. i love them. thank u for ur little notes. really. words mean alot.

today during sermon, i guess its one of the best sermons i've ever had. from sleepy mode to super alert. "miracullous ways". yar.


hits me again.


ok wait. pause. now my mother juz asked me..."ay girl.. tell ur friend dun damage ur bike... some peole ar... blah blah".



so now how? u tell me how to respond?

infront of ppl, i try to b happy. i can't seem to do so in church. at the airport wif yr, gary, sara and the px ppl, i could. putting on a veil infront of me. its tiring. i had to. for the sake of happy pppl. their o's is tml. i really dun want them to screw up, major paper.

on the way home... i was alone. i told my freinds to go first.. as in. i told them i wanted to stay a little while more to study. well, it was actually to think. to stop and think again.

today smth scary is happening. i look as girls. ok lar. its not the first time i'm doin so. but its pleasent and nice to loook at chio girls. u see the way they dress. super CAL. according to gary, chao ah liao. why do girls wanna lower the respect of the female species by being revealing? wad gd does it to the a girl to dress uncomfortablily. that is to me lar. tight short shirt and all. eee.


girls girls girls. dun worry. i wun b a les. pls. straight. ruler. i dance. i dance like a girl. yea. but i duno y, i juz like being boy. sitting wif the coffee shop open or like the trishaw man. look. i dunno how girls sit still. i was being tortured in e white u skirt. pants rocks.



tml, i making a police report. ya. hopefully i can scrap through by being alone. if they ask for adults.. i think i'll call sis. she betta help me. haiz.


actually i'm really lost. i dun even know who am i. no as in my identity or wad. my personality? i'm changed? huh. i want to tok to someone but yet, i dun wan. i want to control myself, but i can't. i want to get this thing done, but i also dun want. wad is this? horrendous behaviour. i have to b a role model in sch. as an exco, prefects look up 2 u as a role model. therefore, i have to b a role model. yes, its easy for me. but wif additional probs and obsticles, ur path will be super rocky. its a challenge that mould u to a better sculpture. but, if lets say the fire get too hot or the spinning thing gets too fast, are u still able to b produced a gd product?

pls, the liquid boils, the clay gets damaged and dries fast.

God is our potter. He is perfect. but like during spiritual dryness... ur potter seems gone. i seem to be left unattended. i love to be in that situaution. to be alone. a loner. i like being alone.. (not in the dark lar.). ppl ask y i'm like that. i duno?



ok. shall stop. i crap too much

i click "publish post". its then gone. even bloggin is screwed. i dun wish to re type. grrr.

i click "publish post". its then gone. even bloggin is screwed. i dun wish to re type. grrr.

argh argh argh. f.


argh. ohsrnpaov;isrh;onroi .



my bike is stolen.

fark. argh. sory for the uncivil behaviour. argh.

i'm dead. wad would my mum say? wad would she do to me?????????? wad??

its not the consequences. i've loose alot of my memoraries. my bike is given to me from my dad. i cycle it with my dad. my dad modified it. installed the lights. bought a basket for in and all.

fark.

i cannot stand it. argh. i lend my bike to shu. i cannot blame her. she secured my bike to a pipe. who knows some moronic idiotic person would take the whole damn pipe away. shu did her best. i cannot blame her.

dad. argh. y must u torture me like this. u. argh. pls can. stop it. argh. i cannot take it anymore.


i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore.
i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore.
i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore.
i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore. i cannot take it anymore.

i simplyl can't.

what would my mum do to me? wad would my sis do? somemore, she asked me during dinner when will my friend return the bike ot me. shit. i'm dead. i'm lost. argh.

let me indulge in this uncivil behaviour. juz for today. fark fark fark. argh. marian. u're dead. u're hopeless. ur father did smth for u. and u, irresponsible daughter of his, how could u?

go and die marian. u juz bring misery to this freakin world.



some polite executive committee prefect.

this is getting scary.

i'm thinking of smth that totally go against the Bible. butch. marian, a butch? wth.

was picturing myself in big baggy pink collared shirt, grey cargo pants, big big skate-boarding shoes.

ho ho ho. i stop. to think. based on the Bible, somewhere in Phillippians.. homesexuality is bad and corrupted. then again, i dun really like wanna be a butch or wad. i juz wanna dress like them. har. little marian, who knows what can she be up to. where's that "marian.. u're a cheerful girl" kinda thing. no more man. no more.


i guess i'm experiencing spiritual dryness.


i've kinda stopped msging ppl nice msgs. oh well, some. i duno lehs. sec 4s is having practicals. gary, john, lydia, lorraine and all. i pray for them. but the prayers keep getting shorter. i know its not the length or wad so eva... i keep succumbing to my tiredness - to sleep.

speaking about slpin, i woke up at 6:33 am, rushed and reached sch at 7:23am. i'm late. well, not late for sch, but late for the prefects' time- 7:15.. plus, i even "nagged and harped" on the importance of being punctual blah blah blah during the last meeting. wad kind of exco is this lor.

tml got meeting. hopefully it'll end b4 3pm. into of new trainees and all. hopefully, wad i say will also be implemented on myself. being a leader and all the crap. in conjunction, tml is the selection, last 3 games. i'm scared deeply. mr lim toked to me today. he said. marian,.. i've seen ur eoy results.. so i said.. yar i know its bad. he replied." no, it is not. its very very bad and not gd at all. its not up to ur standard." i was like.. ok. now wad. mr joseph lim, now asking me to drop a subject. so mrs lim, walked passed by.. and then joined in the conversation.. and also encouraged me to do so.

hellos. argh. wth. here i am, trying to fight and come back. there goes my most trusted teacher, also telling me to indirrectly "quite the triple science game". HARS. NO, I'M NOT GOING TO. I WANT TO PROVE TO U PPL.



am i being too sensitive?. i dunn want to be juz a girl. i wanna be the extreme case of one. i hate being a girl. guys keep giving way to u. ppl keep using.."because u're a girl" kinda excuse to supress the consequences. wad only.




shall juz end here. feel so aunty, naggin and complain online. such loser.

i dislike this yr. i dislike the marian this yr.

bowling team is going to crash. and i mean crash.
- no mr. lim
- no uncle jack to drill ur balls at tampines.
- new format
- recreational sport becoz we did not win anything this yr
- no intake of sec 1s nxt yr
- nxt yar must win at least a bronze or smth else better.



i hate it. juz had selections. under so much pressure. so much. 125 128 108. accordin to uncle jack, 150 avg is an auto into the team. i doubt i'll make it. argh. i've lost my touch. i duno. i really don't know.
this yr, everything seems so bad. dad, pls come back. damn. have i gotten over dad? have i? have i? have i?. smths hindering me this yr, and i can't seem to remove it. i keep telling myself its not my dad. ppl tell me that "marian.. u're a strong girl..".. are u guys really telling me the truth or juz encouraging me?

tml. hopelessly packed.
- meet mr lim.
- meet mrs sim.
- meet mrs lim.
- meet mdm shanti, aka vp.

mr lim wants to speak to me. regarding my studies. in addition, i heard that 1 person from my class, retained. i'm scared. i'm no fighter. someone or something has to bring out that freakin confidence. bowlin? issit really for me? or shall i juz stop and switch to music. totally.


i guess, today, i've officially stepped down as a capt. kinda sad. its demoralising. (congrats to shujing and zoe). i was actually hoping for donna, coz i really feel she has the potential. i duno. but i feel that i'm no role model. during prefects' interview, ppl keep saying.."u've gotta be a role model" and all the crap. reflecting on myself this yr? am i? am i? am i? i'm lost. i need a listening ear. my friends, i dun feel like pouring to them. why?

i'm vulnerable to influnces. for all u know, ms marian might go into a relationship, dies in studies and cca. har. that will b the day man. the turning point. the optinum side of me. har. was in the sbs bus, blasting myself with hillsongs. almost brokedown. infront of so many ppl coz i was sitting in the seat where the whole bus can see. thought about dad. he's gettin irritating. can he juz come back? can he? things will be much better. i wana get a job this 2 months at SIA... its juz the prob of time management. too little time. i'll get burnt out. plus, what about trng? backt ot bowling, if i dun get into nationals for nxt yr, i'm gonna quit bowling. not as in quit, but juz dun go for trngs. i'll go get uncle franics to train me, then take part in tournaments, make my name known and prove to the coaches.


one thing is, am i able to?

i wanna go sajc. through bowling. its getting further away. now i juz have to base on acadamic results, which is a defintie no. i'm loosing my focus and goals. i wanna get over and done wif and open my company.




i can't stand it. the world seems to be turning its back on me. everything is screwed. "Where will u be the day after tomorrow?". wad if ice age is coiming in like 24hrs. i'll b happy. i'll no longer be on earth.




one thing gd, heard from andrew, daniel lum can got express!. yay, poochie!.

hmmm. i feel super wrking wif sch lor. y am i shouldering all these responsibilities? this question hit me. we all do so much. it all sums down to our objectives. if we all juz do. no point.

sch super nothing to do. so played sch com. was resarching on the various pbs of sg. and i realised that our sch is super outdated. yar. also. today after sch.. went to prefects room to call up some agencies and helplines for catering of our food. our budget super low. gonna die. after sch was prefects meeting. our first meeting we held. it was ok lar. i felt that i didn't know what i was speaking. aha. abit kan chiong. glad that i did not say everything wad i felt. if not i might offend ppl.

hmm. i've got new ways to propose to mrs sim about improving the status and respect of our sch leaders. be it psl or prefects, we are not respected and "wanted". so as one exco board, we'll try to make an impact this yr. to be recognised by ourselves, and gain respect. also, wif regards to new ppl coming in, besides juz interviews which are quite pointless and time consuming, i might try to change the whole system. because of this, i guess i'm quite rushy to some extent that i might juz wanna keep going and keep improvising, w/o stopping to for experiences. hmmm... also because of this, it might seem that i am pushing ppl. haha. i doubt so lar. but yar, nicole and i, feels out of the board. thats one thing. therefore, its something that i have to learn and change- to be positive but yet, think of negative consequences to b prepared.

that's many goals and expectations i've set for myself nxt yr. for bowling, there are many. so much that its like literaly pushing the next yr capts. hopefully, i'll be able to assist them if they need any help. for prefects, hoho. alot. one thing that will improve our sch's efficiency will also indirectly depend on the board. sadly, we have to work wif teachers.oh well. for the gd of students.

hmms. yea. kinda packed for the hols. gonna be an all new experience for me again.


as for now, my aim is to win masters for stbc league coz now wer're in the 1st division. and try and get a 200 in any case. and that my big name will appear in newspaper. ha ha ha. muahhaha. sound evil. yar. my aim for now, for prefect. juz pray for communication and unity






Dear Lord, i thank u.

yar. in class now. supposedly having post-exam activities . yar. our class com is wrking! the class is like no one. the sound system also not wrkin i guess.

haiz.


i not sure of my future now. i wanna be a doctor, but i wanna train ppl. train ppl to be leaders. har. open a campany and train students. coz now, i'm tryin to tolerate ppl's nonsensical behaviour.yep.

mrs tang juz spoke to me. again, its another reminder. marian has slackened. the fighter in her is like dying lors. i give up too easily. thuogh i attempt to make situation the best out of it, there are still obsticles. i wear down myself. wth.

i miss papa. i miss my pri sch friends. i'm gonna miss kcbt, mr lim.







dun feel like blogging

today. lets start wif the tournament. i didn't performed my standard lar. the lanes was super nice to bowl. like dry lor. so slayR kind of ball. got 115 128 157. no comments, was very tired. team 2 did a great job. they got 2nd. missing by 100 pins only lor. for team. if not, they'll win siglap boys team, get a goodie bag, and be on newspaper. the reporter guy was there. haha. ok. i must make my team win. muahaha. i juz feel that that passion of mine is trying to be used but kenna locked.
i must must win win win. do my sch proud for the last time in kc this yr. i wanna get champion. i wanna get 240. haha. my aim - 240 by this yr. not avg lar. siaow. but serious lar... today really pityful.

today was the bbq. ahhaa. planned by the sec 2 com + sec 2. i think its really really great. its an encouragement to me. in life, we have many roles to play. wadeva we are, wadeva we do, we are significant lor. its really gd. sec 3s kept singing campfire songs. haha. the song still stuck in my head.."oh no more mitshubutshi lancer".. ahaa.. very thankful for juniors and mr lim lar.

after that. had "meeting". ahha. current com members. the "meeting" we had was productive. it was wad i expect in an exco meeting. productive. everyone was open. every voiced their objectives and feelings and perspectives. we were open. this is wad i want for an exco meeting- everyone to listen and think. dun juz keep pushing and forgeting all the wonderful experience and mistakes that we can learn from.

gonna miss kc bt. haha. yar the ppl. i have a new objective and goal for us as seniors. seniors should not be neglected. now its the time for me to plan and settle all my objectives, goals and aims so that i will not side track. i want to be a follower that lead. its not contridicting. think.

camp was fun. i thank God for camp. in general, i feel that the camp was mostly to bond us. overall, our grp got the no-so-enthu insrtructor or smth. her passion seems to be dyin.. i duno. other grps are always wif their insturctors and they are really bonded lar.. ours is.. erm.. yar. whole camp, scream and scream lor. kept singing and all. i hope that this spirit wun die down. the food was gd, instructors was awesome. insturctor jason was inspiriing.. instruction eleanor is chio. ahha. yar.

alot is reminders.. teamwork blah blah blah.. made me stop as think. in life, its not all about leading and leading. personally, all of us have passed the stage of leaders. it is now to listen and accept, and lower ur pride. it seems easy. its not. we are so used to leading, but when it comes to listening, we have problems. yar. and another thing, on eoy. so wad if i have potential to excel. if i dun use it or have the right focus or objective, wads the point?. might as well heck it.

its time that i will really stop and slower my pace as an exco. not stop as in stop lar. go slower. we tend to keep rushing against time, neglecting all experiences and objectives. we do it wif the wrong aim and focus. no point. the outcome seems the same, but its not. its that sixth sense we all have that make us know the diff.

okok. crap. back to camp. was great. slept in the hall. thank God the screams of KC girls were used in camp songs and cheers rather than on an insect (cockroach..). gonna miss the instructors and all. the cheers and camp songs. and even the responses!. ok! alright!. very good! excellent!. hahha, seriously, team-bonding is impt. ahha. argh,.. stuck to the song.."oh is was sad.. oh is was sad.. it was sad that the big ship went down, to the bottom wif the husbands and wives and the children lost their lives, it was sad that the big ship went down...."...."one banana two banana three banana 4, ...",...."mmm emp, goes a little green fog one day...". agaaha.,so many. but my fav one is the one we say b4 makan. super cool. yep. gonna apply most in prefects camp..hehehhe


okok. i'm tired. laura, bridget, mel, steph, cheng en those hyper ppl were tired!. hha. yar. oh ya.. all these ppl also loose their voice. including me. ahaha. scream too much. miss c div alot. 2003 c div. tml is tournament. hmmm.. i guess my ball will seem to be like 16 lbs .. ahah. meeting sam at 645. haiz. die. pls, let me wake up tml lor. yar. byez

today. well its the 20th. a signaficant no. again. as usual. things happen.

ok. today..

all my results are sort of out. i am speechleess and pathless. i have no clue about my goals and aims....

- English: 65.3% (B3)
- Chinese: 46 % (D7)
- A Maths: 48 % (D7)
- E Maths: 45% (D7)
- Biology: 33.5% (F9)
- Physics: 55.5 % (C5)
- Chemistry: 41 % (E8)
- Core Lit: 63 % (B4)
- Geog + Ss: (19 + 22)= 41 % (E8)




what to say?







it took me long to accept this fact, or rather, let this situation hit me. i was ok.. till end of sch when,, i realised that, yes, marian has failed 6 out of 9 subs. and yes. best class.
forget it. its over.



mr pang talked to our class. i feel that yes, it is totally indeed true that we need to fight as one and not among ourselves. it reminded me of VS. after seeing john's blog the video clip, kc is lacking alot. we are not updated. we are not united. we think we are, but we are not. i want to make this change to kc that we, as a sch, will be an outstanding sch that emphasizes on the importance of leadership qualities and not just cultural stuff etc.





today's also the trainee interview. ytd, was 5 ppl.. today, 30 over. the exco were very tired, we had to take a break. in the end, given our high expectations, 11 our of 40 smth was selected. 11. no way can 11 ppl make up the board. 7 were sec 1s. so if we were only to alow these ppl, what about the future batch of exco and seniors. haha.so in the end, it no. was raised to 17. not confirmed. have yet to discuss with mrs sim and all.




on the way home. talked to yuan ting. there's also reminders for me to learn. as myself. later, on the way home alone, i boarded the double decker bus. still thinking of prefects' stuff and sch stuff. haha. physco. haha. then on the way up, i think i drop my walkman the ear piece on the stairs. as i sat down, i felt empty w/o music. so i went to the stairs. and yar, my property was gone.

i thought of dad. that was the ear piece that my dad last listened to. we played christian music for him to listen, using my walkman and my earpiece that i am using now. now the piece is gone. haiz. 20th. truely. why? why? why?. there's so many thought in my head. so many task to fulfil. no time. nxt wk, totally booked. time management is way tight. hoho. another challenge. thought. good and bad. positive, as well as negative.


"u juz drop chem lar. or make it a combine," mrs koh said.

too bad. i choose to fight. i choose to prove to you that i have an a1.



oh wells. smth good happened today also. i got back my result for the westpac australian maths competition. ahha. i got 100!. i duno upon wad lar. coz i realised that i beat alot of opppl who are gd in maths like sara and etc. yay. top 20% in sg. but still credit. steph got higher i guess. mr pang said that the highest was 101 in class and he thought that my marks must be some calculation error or prining error. he as jk. but yar. i am encouraged that i am about to sort of almost top the class in some maths thing. that's one thing i'm proud of today. only today.

i'm not sure if i'm ready to go for camp with a light heart tml. camp ends at 2230 on fri. the next day, tournament at chevrons. then later will b games and bbq. what more? i wanna study. but now i can't. i have videos to do.. but yea, i'm honoured to do such stuff for the sch. i'm juz afraid of the time frame and resoures i'm given. i need to have trust in the ppl that are helpin me with the scanning and sending of the photos. in 3 days. a magnificant sllide show. i want to achieve that. i have to fight.



bloggin helps. it helps me. i feel -relieved(?)- i do not want my report bk. i'm not proud of it. in pri sch, i was superly excited to get my report bk. this yr, dreadful.

i feel hopeless.

both maths failed.

oh wel, at least passed physics and literature, but still. 3/6. not up to standard. all below avg.


sux.

sports-wise. even worse. i can't seem to get back on form. juz simple couldn't. today saw uncle billy at safra tampines. he asked me what was my problem. i couldn't even givea definite answer.

1) no speed
2) no timing
3) no rev.
4) no follow-through.
5) not consistant.
6) no confidence
7) no spares
8) no strikes.
9) 100 avg.
10) sat is my tournament


my aim is 190 by the end of this yr. plus, kc team is going down. we are gg to have less trngs. nxt wk is the roll-off. if i dun get to play for sch in nationals. i'm gonna juz quit. nothing is there to spur me on. cannot. juz cannot seem to find my line, my focus. it sux.









i can't bowl

Happy Birthday my dearest Joanne! my super lovely cell leader. naver fails to mail me through postman to keep my going. =)

yep..ok.. basically, i got my amp on sat. f-20. yay. hahah.

and i also wanna thank God that i was able to play for teens time on sat. haha. i played a few errors.. but ya. ahha. yay.. not llike major ones. haha. then on sun, played for junior sunday sch. hhaha. that one was bad. i got alot of mistakes.. till duno play where. ahaha. was funny. coz nigey got mission dance.. then had to play drums. ahha. so not enough time to find drum stick. ahhaha. then in the end used 2 long thing grey pipes of unequal length. ahaha. super funny. was cool lor. like some rock thing.hahaha. after church went to celebrate joanne's bday.. then went home to get ball and go bowling.

haha. bowling was bad. bowled wif jeff and sam.. ahha. was super rusty. avg 100. hoho. nxt wk, will be our kc team roll-off for b div. wed and fri. and will also b our last 2 trngs for the yr. can u imagine? w/o bowling?. mr lim also said that he'll be leaving us. i feel super sad lars. argh. i cannot imagine wads life in kc w/o him. can u imagine the bowling team nxt yr? pity nxt yr capts. and also, this sat is the league. i have to win. got to get my 160 avg back in 4 days. haha. help

tml super bz.. the following days also. totally packed till evening. today was the prefect workshop, tml and wed will be the trainee interview... thurs and fri will be camp.. sat will be tournament, dance prac, bowling bbq. ahhaha. phew. super fast wk.. yep. wil be busy.

oh ya. sun i started jammin at homw if my guit. ahahha. and also changed classical strings to addjario.. yay. then nigey taught me how to use the amp through phone and msn.. as in.. like experiment wif the amp and guit. ahha. super cool. wanna thank God for such a friend. ahha. looking forward to learn new stuff from him. :)


haiz. today was a bad day. started off by getting back bio. hoho. 33.5/100. lowest in class i guess. haiz. hmms. then ss.. 22/50. but i improved!. was kinda expected it to be lower. yay. mrs tan commented that my source base was gd!. yay. first time in my life. its only the essay that pulled me down. as for eng. ahha. was shocked. summary i got 20/25. ahaha. yay. and mrs teo wrote alot of encouraging remarks on my paper. i thank God for her. yar. i from C6 jumped to B3 overall for eng. was happy lar.. for kc standard for eng.

but wad sads me is my bio lar. i like bio. and i had F9. ms louisa tan say its ok. coz sec3. hello. its not. i have a few more months to o's. ahhah. ok. does this sound scary? ok lar. hmms. tml wil try to squeeze in bowling. i have and must and need to bowl.

yay. finally. i got my electric guit. haahahaha. somemore at a cheap discounted rate. ahhaha...Samwick kve-430. its black and white. ahha. smth like sebastian's one. hahahah. muahahha. i feel evil. hahaha. yay. so happy for the rate. i bought it at parkway. the robert shop. shiok. yay. haha. got 3 knobes. and its now new!. ahha. but its the display one. coz the stock one is like got paint on it. so sad k. haha. i saw my classicial guitar on the shelf. ahha. it looked so new as compared to my one at home. ahha.

okok. anyways.. to those who want to buy guits... go PEACE centre... its like super filled wf guitars of diff kinds lor. ahha. i think today is an eye opener for me... like i've nv seen so many guits in my life. ahha. yay. i'm happy.

today morning, no sch. marking day. haiz. but had to go sch for some exco workshop by acorn. hmm. i dun think its really a good workshop. didn't really learn much. mostly is juz reminders here and there. nothing much to learn. i must get tips from vs liao. hahah. okok. then later had lunch wif the exco. tthen went to starbucks for meeting. i guess this is the most fruitful meeting. well, not that fruitful lar.. but manage to cover many things. i realised that we;ve got so much to do and so little time. interview, concert, meetings, meetings, meetings. every prefect meeting means there's an exco meeting. so its like 4 x 2 kinda thing. but oh well, its fun. ahha. yay. today's one was lik 2hrs. hahaha.

okok. so later met my mama go walk around. so yar. yay. here i am now, happy wif my guitar. okok. sis wanna use com. bye.

today is the day i've been waiting for.

morning, woke up at 8. felt excited about everything. 830.. left the house.. cycling. finally, i was able to cycle on my bike.. so i cycled to sara's house... haha. at kembangnan.shaha. i tot i'd lost my way.. but thank God... i anyhow turn.. then later called sara, then she told me her house juz infront where i was. ahha. so wanna thank God that he guided me and that i did not loose my way!.
reached there at 945.. around there.. then rested.. and continued to ecp wif her. ahha. its so funny lar. i fell down. coz i can't do sharp turns. haha. then she nv tell me turn right or left to ecp.. ahha.so fell down at a construction site. ahha. but was alright. ahha. then later.. i offended 2 cars.. coz i was turning, then i blocked one car.. then the woman driver gimme chao face. saddist lar. then i moved away. while moving away, a truck was behind me.. or issit a big car?.. aha. anyways, yar... then i gave space lor.. then the driver, thinking that his car is super big, thinks that the car is being blocked by my bike. ok. so i had to move back and up. ahhaha

then we continued our way....

we cycled.. went to bedok jetty.. slpt there for about 10mins.. took pics wif phone to act cool and all.. then cycle cycle to some ulu place. aahha. rested and had fun. ahha. then chiong all the way back.

time was 2pm by then. was tired. my lower back was pain. coz its like my bike, is not for long distance. i think its for stunt?.. but its big lar. ahha. coz got 2 shock resistor.. so yar.
our "class" came later.. which consisted of 5-7 ppl/ yar. then i left my bike wif shu and then i went to the bowling alley. departed from them. leisure bowl sure chaned alot. ppl left.but thank God that the uncle still rmbrs me. so yar.

later went home, cleaned up a little and went to tampines to bowl.
when i first went in, i saw jazreel's parents, stanely ong and his parents, jasmine yeong, evelyn jie and alot of pro-ed bowlers...they having trng i guess. ahha. got this caucasian big shot guy coaching them.. i gues he's some pro bowler.. aah.. super famililar.. ok.. so yar. then later, i bowled wif donna and charlyn. 4 games. totally suck sia. no grip, no speed, no rev, con control, no timing. totally sia. i guess my avg for the day is like 100? super sad. ahha. all i trng the effort all gone. i want trng!.

yep. then later went to tm to take neos. ahha.by the time, i was red,. as om sun burn lar.. then went to see guits..ahha. sad leh;.... my marshall ampifier no more liao. haiz. shall go hunt for it. haha. okok.

tml!.. i cannot wait for tml. its marking day!. haiz, but have to go to sch for some exco workshop. oh well, hopefuly we will bond. later i meeting mama to get my electric! yay.

can't slp tonite. i guess i'm gonna dream about tml!. yay.

exams. are over. the consequences have yet to come. i'm not ready to face it. haiz. i'm been thinking lately. thinking alot about my life. promotion day is on the 27 oct. which means i'm goona be considered as a sec4.

this is scary

too scary. sec4?... time is like flying... i duno leh.. like i haven been experiencing time crawling for a very long time. everyday seems to be packed. my life. there's so much things and ppl that influence me in decisions i make. they can b gd or bad. i duno. it's starting to hit me. i'm gonna be 16. i scared? not really thou. anxious?. hmm. i think i'm juz not ready to step into the i-am-16 kinda thing lar. gotta settle my edu first. things are too private. not suitable for here. anwyays, i thank God that abby is fine now. =). i thank God for friends. i thank God for teachers. i thank God for bowlers. I thank God for everything.

finally. its over.
( gonna be a long blog )

this year is very very bad. not to mention that i did not put in my best of efforts. haiz. its over. the sentence is soon to be heard. i'm afraid. afraid of the consequences that lies ahead. well, its over.

b4 exams., was the east zone colours award. was down for duty. my first 'major' task as an exco outta sch. yar. was at yu ling sec sch. i saw alot of my pri sch friends. was shocked that they were sport'y-inclined. yep. saw choong fu there. ahha. so funny. i think all his friends know my name liao. ahha. then took a photo wif him, knowing later that the film was not put in properly. haha. so yar.

ok. exams...
summary. in order of date.

* English
- this is the only subject i'm happy of. it also marks the start of the period whereby students feel stressed and not knowing of eveything. compo, was fear. ahaha. "FEAR". i was so phlilosphical. haha. duno how to spell and all. hmmm. i was very "emmotionally attatched" to the piece i wrote. haha. yar. the compre was tricky. but ok..

* ss and chinese 1
- hopeless. ss was totally. forget it. horrendious. felt dumb throughout the paper.
- compo was ok. didn't felt like i put in my best.

* lit paper 1&2 an bio
-was a hopeless day. totally. was alreay drained. told myself to carry on. but i juz couldn;t. no physiccal and mental strength.
first was the lit paper 1... i didn't have quotes. wrote crap. couldn't substantiate.
- then was paper 2. 2 hrs hass passed. w/o break, it was paper 2. twelfth night.. super duper tired. then later.. while writting, i couldnt take it anymore so i juzz wrote conclusion and then went to slp.. finished the paper in 1hr!. siaow liaow
-thank God was break. then yar. rested. couldn't absorbed, only could wait for bio paper to come. almost break down.
- bio. all thinking question. i wasn't in the mood for thinking q lors. pls. hopeless.

* emaths and cl 2
- maths. sad case. it was difficcult. hopeless again.
-chinese. hoho. totally. fill in the blanks section... i only knew how to do 1 out of 5. stupid dumbed. then the compre. was HCL!!>.. as in higher chinese passage... the hcl ppl say that we got the same one. buay tahan lor. 6 marks one q leh.!

* a maths.
- speechless. no remarks. juz fail lar.

* geog.
- hoho. i wrote general knowledge. nothing from text bk. and u know wad. i did not do a section!. 15 marks gone. because it was supposedly to be " do q 1 and 2 or 3".. n i happily thought that it was "i or 2 or 3". so in the end.. minus 15 marks. i knew it like 1 mins b4 the end of paper. i wanted to write. so i wanted to ask for paper. but i thought.... by the time the teacher walk to my table, thats its lor. times up. no point.

* chemistry.
- i duno wads got over me. i didn't know how to do so many. to top it off, i slept after 1 hr. when i woke up b4 the paper ended, i saw that everyone was busily writting. feeling super tired and ccould not be bothered, i went back to slp.
hopeless.

that day, i fell sick. very pale. was also eng oral. so i did my oral first then went foor guitar class as i felt that i need to as i did not go for class for very long liao. so i went home. slept from 5pm 50 545am.

*e maths paper 2. and chinese listening.
-hahah. did not study. so i felt horrible. was shaking very scaryily. felt practically like as if i'm under herion or something. the medicine my mum gave me still had effects on me. felt like as if i was going to die. do during the paper, my neurons couldn't connect. juz couldn't. so yar. goona fail e maths
-listening, haha. wad are they tokin? haha. totally duno.

*physics, cl oral.
-physics.. haha. the only paper i felt refresehed for. felt hopeful. wanted to get a1. haha. after the paper, i plan to get a b4 or smth lar. duno wad to do.
- cl oral. got my cheena tchr, knowing that she knows my standard, i did not put in my best.





finally over. yes. in sara's house now. having fun... wif all the musical instruments she have. haha. her com is like. whoa. in this "cyber cafe" haha. 4 coms in one row. but her papa took one of them down. so its me, sara, geraldyne and gloria. geraldyne is studying her hcl. so yar

ok. this period of time, i wanna thank my study kaki. sara, yuan ting and gary. i am very thankful for gary. he's like whoa. coz he taught me almost every subject lar. he has been supporting me through this wk lar. very thankful for such a wonderful friend like gary.
been going to airport t2 bk almost every day. made alot of friends who are aunty and uncle. ahha. the workers of bk. yay. nice pl. even the manage be came our friends. ;)
i also want to thank all my friends who sent me nice msgs. mostly from church lar. haha. thank u so much.

ok.

finally. yar. fun. well, actually not. gonna brush up my guitar skills, and imrprove my bowling. haven been bowling. thats very bad. hahhahha.


ok. haha. such a long blog. shall end now. due to ppl telling me that i've been bloggin for very long. haha. right sara? right geradyne? if u have successfully read everything i'vve blog. ahhaa. congrats lar.haha. u've got gd stamina. haha. being very lame noe. ok. shall stop and start to draw!. helping gloria wif her art. =)

i gotta let out steam.

stressed

no way i'm gonna do well.

made ic today.. i feel like as if i'm under identification crisis. i've been living in a wrong identity. my name. its pronouced wrongly. its written wrongly. for 15 yrs. thank God, it was the chinese characters. but i'm sad. all my wrk and all is all fake. argh. save me. who am i?

children's day. wad a day.making of identification card, seeing rodneny at ica, realising that i'm living a lie for 15 yrs, stressed, perfectly realised that today's the 1st, exams, 4th. finally, exams has hit me. no effect has take. -pause-

really, being supported by my hp and hillsongs cd. they are my pillars. those forward msges comes into handy.

how?. [ the end of triple, double double double ] meaning, sciences, maths, humans, languages. all- to the drain.

i'm craving for rock. jam. in musical context.

amongst all, i want to thank God for letting me survive till this day. for my friends, espically those who really helped me alot. thank u gary for today, finally understand 25% of chem.













*i have to be focus. i've got to. its no more a choice. its a must. watch ur time plan girl. watch it. watch every move u make*

Happy birthday Mr. Lim!!
well.. wad can i say about this tchr. he's been there since sec 1. i guess in my whole life, this is the only tchr that i'm so close wif. he, as my cca tchr, has done more than he could. he's always there. he's always the one teaching me values and wualities of a leader. he has thought me many many values. appreciative is one quality that he is v serious about. this guy.. really one of a kind.. "call me brother outside sch.. in sch.. mr.lim". hah. really.. u can let ur guards down. he seems to b able to read my mind. recently, he said this to me..."study hard, do well for ur exams.. do ur best. u know where's ur best. be truthful to urself.". simple words. complex thoughts. reflection.
wanna thank God for being such a wonderful provider.

oh well. no mood to blog about events. basically, today bowling girl juz give mr lim a cake. thank u shu neng!. for coming up the idea and the wrks.

oh wells. i guess that i'm reaching the peak of climax. i'm stressed. yea.in my class. not that competitive lar. but still. 9 subjects, no.. +1..ss. 10!!.. i haven seriously started yet. i'm worried. reeally. well.. i guess i cannot classify myself under stress.. i expect too much.
its way over my ability. its my choice to b in this kind of class anywyas..but i guess i juz have to wrk really hard. regretting that i swoped to core lit. coz i dun think in jc i'll be taking lit. so yea. confused.the passion is lost. hopefully my so called talent in writting lit can come back... get back my 2nd in level for lit title. hah. impossible.
marian, like mr lim said duing my nationals, is loosing all her confidence.."wheres that marian who could fight?" -mr lim-.. juz only. pok said so too. i'm known as a fighter? oh wells.. have to admit, yes. i was.
my pillar or strength is gone.. i know there's still God and all. But, i can see dad. dad is my pillar. his smiles is my pillar. those that really lighten my burden. i have to fight. to fight back for my confidence, my respect, my focus, my discipline. its all slowly fading away. like i said... not to come online if its not for work purposes. but look. where's my darnest discipline and concentration level. and tmr, i have a cheena test. helps.

issit really me again? have i really changed? is papa such a great impact on me, or issit juz an excuse, or a shield. i've no one to lean on. my best friends? yea i can. but, i'm closer to my solitude. my paper. my diary whuich i;ve not touch since march thank to you, blogger.

i have to start planning. i have to start mugging. i have to be the world greatest mugger. ahhahahhahaha. coughs. *national mugger.(mk).ahha. okok.

i shall make my affirmation.

"i, marian, will repel all my temptations to blog and chat online. i will refrain myself from being addictive and sticky to msn friends, reading blogs, searching webs. i will keep a distance between my fingers and the ON button of the cpu. i will be that fighter and prove to those darnest teachers that look down on me. i will prove myself"

ok. i stil have my guitar. hopefully, will spent only 15 mins max.

today. sbs wasn't nice the bus came at 6:24!. 2 mins early. not fair, aahha. so all the regulars took the 6:39 bus?. yar. i wan;t supposed to miss it leh. i saw it.i picked up pace.. and then.. this 2 aunty were walking.. slowly.. i could turn anywhere coz it was a quite narrow path.. near the road.. so.. 5 steps left to catch the bus and i did not make it.

ok. anyways.today mornign was funny. ahah.. we kept all made of up of an advertisment. ahah. from mtv to advertisement. aha.. hear ar.. ahhah. this girl.. was playing er-hu on the chair. keep playing and playing.. then the backgd keeps changing.. from mountainous, grass, sky, city... blah blah. then finally.. antartica!. ahah. then as she play.. she slowed down.. and froze. ahaha. then wif the fade in fade out effect, a black screen comes out.. with white words.. "no music, no life". ahhahahahhahha. so funny. or version 2, put that erhu player in e field... filled wif cows.. then one by one they drop dead.. then again with those effects, saying.. "with music, with impact." ahhaa. so funny. [picture it!]

today.. me and nicole was discussing something. i guess i can;t blog much here. all i can say is that we, as 10 ppl forming 1 body, lacks alot of understadning and listening. u guys have passed that level of leadership. now its communication, cooperation and test. u've gotta let go of responsibilities. there's an explaination for it. from mr. lim. some of u dun do wad all of u are suppose to do.. eg. ur roles. when somethings are suggested, we duno, we dun hear it. we lack communication. we have to listen, besides speak up. we have to communicate like how friends do.. not so formal, or holding so much guards of wad u are gonna speak. we are all students. anyways, wadeva i say now will either be in vain or get passed around. forget it marian, not worth it.

ok. in class. i felt so tired today. i duno wads wif me lar... sara and i were ay war with each other. ahha. so fun!. but it got serious.. then ok liao. haha. .. after sch when tuition.. i totally screwed at TRIGONOMETRY. thank God for tuition.

i thank u zen for giving me a bday present. ahha. thank u sean for the present. thank u elaine for the msg, last night at 0048 thinking it was 20 sept. thank u. ahha. i appreciate those.

amongst all. i wanna thank mr lim for how he teaches me so much values.

*i am trying not to comehere too often, i;ll get hooked. hmms. ok. exam is in 10 days time issit? around there. i'm scared. i've not like started properly. oh wells. prays....

thinking about dad again as blog.. using his com. his wall paper is him, the pic infront of me is him. yea. mervyn, we share the same thought. cgh... stop taking lives.

ok. there are some of the jokes he said or rather, he's last few words. from the time he fell till death.. its really amazing how he, in pain, can say such stuff at the time nearing death.
not in any order,

nurse: "mr poon, where pain? where pain?"
dad: "my,.. my.. (touching his pocket) pocccc-ket paainnn"
interpretation: no money.

dad: " ku-e-h la-p-is,.... currrrrrry... puuufff"

dad:" CGH-caaaannooot gooo hhomme.. SGH- surrreeee ggooo hhoome..."
=> still trying hard to go sgh despite of the fact that the suxy cgh ppl say "wait.. i'll checkk... (2days later) ..can't"

16th nov- 20th nov - 22th nov . events seems so stuck in my head. everything is juz so clear. it juz took 6days to make a walking man to ash. 20, a signifiant no. my bday, his deaht, his marriage, his engagement... still got somemore. can't really rmbr. it seems like ytd that dad is drilling his stuff, hammering his wood, srewing his nails, painting his walls. he. or. slpin in his bed, hearing his ko-lon-chong music from radio. his smeely farts. loud and clear. stink bombs the room. he. squishy and hard. no dad. hmm. my brain can't seem to send impluses, cannot register. promise papa to b doc. i wanna rule sg doc. train them to b docs of virtue and caring. not juz do their work, but do it with pride and thier best, they are messing wif lives, wif feelings.

mixed feelings.

a year older. i juz realised. 15. nxt yr swt 16. 30 yrs, hopefully, a doc. married. i think that my ideal husband would be those like my father. evry bit of his pure character.such a loving husband, caring father. really, i honour him. i'm thankful for such a wonderful guy. perhaps, gd guys go first. to join God, to be happier earlier.

haha. more things to say... msges really brighten my life. was reading ppls' blog again.. hoho. so touched.... eg..sara's...

"Happy BirthDay To MARIAN!!!Message to Marian:My Dear little friend... hope you enjoyed urself today! though i was so insulted when you said Gera gave you tat card.. HUH! haha.. but anyway.. me not petty one.. hahaha.. sorry bout the pic though.. hahaha.. sorry.. the card really small.. so cannot really contain wad i wanna say..anyway.. glad to have known you.. although its onli lke 2 or 3 years? (though minus one year cos i din tok to you ...=P) really can't imagine how i missed a girl like you in Sec 1.. hahaha .. mus be too caught wif the commotion Haziqah was making to the class.. hahaha.. anyway.. really glad to have you as my friend n study partner(though you r so evil) but.. really admire your strengths n values, principles and straightforwardness you have... you have taught me patience incase you did not know.. hahaha.. but i hope that after leaving ur Primary skool fwens n all.. you are feeling at home n welcomed in the KC family.. haha.. (imagine if Mari didn't come to KC... haiz.. life would be so.. peaceful. muahahah) jkjk... ya.. treasure your fwens gurl .. and never give up! Hope you achieve ur goals !! Love ya! hahaha..."


and another one.. who is whoa . shocked my life.. eg..YuanTing...
Marian

Another DARLING of mine.
My study kaki, my buddy, my junior, a sister to me.

Just LOVE this girl!
She is SO cute and adorable.
Lol

Know this girl since she was Sec 2 cause I was her class prefect.
I have no idea why but she just got my attention.
Perhaps she was one of the naughty ones, as in the noisy and talkative ones.
Lol
She was the one who started talking to me.
I'm always known to her as 'Prefect' as she don't know my name at that time.
Whenever she sees me, she would give me her cheerful smile, wave to me and shout "Hi Prefect!".
After knowing my name, she will now shout "YUAN TING!!!"
Haha.
She's just so cute. Like her so much.
Haha
Was really very happy for her when I heard that she's chosen to be a Prefect.

This year, 2004.
We are closer.
Still haven't figure out how we get to be so close. She too is also wondering how.
Haha
She always brighten and enlighten my day.
A girl who never fails to make me laugh.

She have a very cute attitude, or should I say a GOOD and RIGHT attitude.
A girl who has great leadership skills. She is born to be a leader.
There's no doubt why she is the captain of bowling and an ex-co in the Prefectorial Board for Year 2005.
She truly deserve it.
Marian! I SALUTE you!
Lol.

The study kakis
That's me, she and Sara.
Our usual place is Burger King in airport Terminal 2.
Its like a routine that we will be there to study at least once a week.
Whenever she listens to her discman and started singing, Sara and I will immediately put on her earphone and blast our music so as to not hear her sing.
It is so hilarious.
Haha

Ok, I'm talking too much.
Haha

I just wanna wish you, Marian...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Best wishes to you. May all your wishes come true. All the best in everything you do.
Remember must take care of your health. Don't study till so late and don't be so stress.

LOVE YOU!!!

*MuaksSsss*

[yuanting-]
drifted away at 8:27 PM

yea. these ppl. i love them. ok ahha..thank u