Go Hard or Go Home

a wkend trip to JB for the jb carnival 15s. ARFU 7s was also held there.
it's one of the stepping stone games for Belugas (our NUS, SIM, SMU) team name for the laos' tour end of the month.




some vid app that bel's totally crazy about. hahhas.
take so many vids until her phone no more memory to store the photos. ahhas. damn funnnnnnnnnnyyyy.



we stayed in the sponsored hotel
quite atas ah. apparently it's 5 star. hahas. steady boh.





first game vs Bucks. very strong forwards.
pity our forwards. like kena long by fridges time after time. lost 7-12



and its recovery time at the pool! hahas.
the first time my FT3 got the water adventure. hahhas






ya.. my coach. boomz the abs man.











and we had another game vs RSC. won, 12-0


washed up and headed off for dinner...

(ya. another of bel's doings. hahahhhahahhahas)




at dinner, managed to catch the Super Rugby 15s finals!!!! Reds vs Crusaders. ahhahs. was hoping that Reds will win and they did!!!!! ((: but yea, was amazed by Dan carter's agility and sonny bill william's ball skils. mad skills man. and Quade cooper makes rugby look so easy, as if playing a touch game like that man.



awesomest waffles. i think coz we're hungry. but AWESOME comfort food man.



at the official dinner (hahas. round 2 dinner). we more or less had to attend it la. hahas. we erms... didnt really eat thoughh..



BREAKFAST the next day.
oh man. AWESOMEST BREAKFAST. nv had so satisfying breakfast in malaysia before. hahas. hoho. the prawn mee soup and scramble eggs are BOOOOOMMMMZZ. damn shiok. was quite full but just wanna eat and eat and eatttt...



whiteboard sess before nap time/ game.
wing's just so awesome with this. u should have seen how wing very AYE-SEH-LY sleeesh out the scotch tape to reveal the 3 points of attack.



after finals... lost. 10-0.
but ok luh, good learning game for us.
none the less.. we're happy Belugas.







why we're called Belugas..






yup.




for me, was quite sad luh.
initially, i was quite confident that my ankle could heal by this wk coz i've really taken goood care of it.
and u know what... on the VERY FIRST (ya, like first 10 steps kinda first) jog line of jog for warm up, my un-warmed and loose ankle kinda slipped coz of the uneven ground and it totally caused a sharpppppp pain.
i was like................. ooooooookkkkkkk.

i thought i could go on. i tried.. until when i tried to really jog on the balls of my feet, i felt that it was almost impossible to do it w/o having much pain and signs of limping alrdy.


and when wing asked if i was gd to go, i almost said yes but then, i thought of the games in laos and i said no.
was quite upsetting luh. coz the games were really good opportunities for me to learn and grow as a player, out of the singapore club leagues.
then again, i dont want to be a liability to the team. the field was wide. and it was really a wide game. imagine i get the ball and i canoot run to score try if its a clear try situation, as a winger la. hahas.
so yea, tried to help out by being the most effective water girl and all.

and once again, i was reminded to R-E-M-E-M-B-E-R this pinch-ing feeling. not being able to play/ train. so, if i'm able to, i WILL NOT give excuses to not give my 100% best. be it being afraid to go into tackle or not. now its like even if i want, i can't.
so ya, i must rmbr this pathetic feeling.



and i'm also actually willing to give up the srss (7s) tournament. i like to play 7s coz it's a faster paced game... but ):
oh wells. i guess there really is a time for everything.



but nonetheless, the trip was awesome coz was able to get to know the nus girls better. was actually hoping that some of us could step out of our comfort zone abit more to not be so cliquish and actually bond more as a team, take more ownership and stuff like that. but oh wells. i had fun and i dun think i should let any unnecessary issues to bother me or anything. just relac, enjoy and learn as much as i can. :D


yea.
wtr to my angsty poony post, haiz. hahahs
i think its good to blog when i'm in an irrational state. so tt when i look back and re-read the post, i can identify out some learning points, laugh and grow out of it.


and yes, God is good, all the time.

hahas. i went back to the shop today coz their signpad got prob.

she wasn't in, but one of her friends told me tt she asked for my no. ! HAHAS.
:D
freak hurh. 电电电电电! ahahas



siao liao ah.

angsty poony

I'd rather have no friends than have friends who don't take u as their friends.


I should have a box of bloody sharp nails infront of me. If any fckers tailgate me at 130km/h, I will fckin take a handful and throw behind. esp when I'm in a bad mood ya.



that's my major tweets for the day. like seriously. when there's a clear lane beside me, be it if i'm on lane 1 or 2 and gg at 130km/l, u better not tailgate me. i hope ur tyres burst, car frame kena scratched majorly, or crack ur windscreen.
SERIOUSLY. egoistic male drivers, and blurr cok female drivers.
sorry for the colourful language, esp when i'm really angsty and not in a good mood as so to say.


all these reckless drivers really make me wanna go sign up an be a traffic police.
not that i adhere to rules strictly. i do break those common motorcyclist breakable rules. but ya, rules are set for a purpose and to keep the roads safe. i mean, if u wanna go and break the rules, do it with caution and not as if the world's at ur serivce.


i've been through some speeding car races on the roads. there are some very reckless ones and very cautious ones. not that i'm encouraging street races, but even if u wanna go to that extreme, pls do rmbr that other road users do exists ya. ur one minor mistake may impact the lives of others, and others of the others of the others ya.


think before you act.





during trng today,
was really really.. ugh.
want to train cannot train. have trained on a healing ankle before and trust me, it will never heal or rather, take 6 times longer than it could have been healed.

during trng, was looking and thinking how my performance and be affected so much by my peers.
in bowling, i was trained and able to shut off all external pressures. infact, the higher the pressure is, the better i perform.
some how in rugby, i see myself shunning away.
i can't perform because of this, because of that, because of you, because of what ppl say etc. its really all wts and useless.

it kinda all boils down to how confident i am; the more confident i am, the better i perform. then again, if i become confident, i because sensitive to how ppl think of me, then i start to retract again.
idk if its the injury, if its the friends that have walked away or what, but i know that if i continue to give myself excuses and let all the shit, or rather, self-created shit affect my performance like that, i rather put myself out of misery and quit this whole sport shit. it took me quite alot of self-persuation to move out of bowling after all the lifelong lessons that this sport has given me.


u know, giving up my sporting life and move on into The Arts scene is probably what God wants me to do.
i know i can excel in guitar, in photography, in dj-ing especially in music, but i just chose sports over that because sports builds one up and teaches us many invaluable lessons harder and faster than music. in some sense, its more adrenaline rushed, and really, builds memories with ppl who have slaughtered their hearts out to give their best altogether.

and since i'm still young, might as well.
music can wait.
but yes, at a cost.
u know, i really could have been like pianist now. not those anyhow whack chords and play in band kind. but those like read all the towgays, write the towgays, and might even have a cert to say that i can do so. and this is something that i've not done, but very sure that i'm able to do it.

other things i wanna try are like rock climbing and sailing, but its not a sure-sure will excel in it anyways.
music is really my drive.
and i think i'm just beating around the bush.







i miss God and i know He misses me.
and if i can love God as much i love you, think of you, depend on you, confide in you, God will be a very happy pa.
time and time again, i persuade myself to let go of you, bombard myself with all ur negative points and it seems that the harder i try, the harder it all backfires.
and when i stop trying and moved onto a path that's finally starting to clear up, u just HAD to appear infront of me in my practical sight.
gosh.
is this all a big joke?!

i really really really really wanna let go of you and move on.
i'm actually quite worried for myself coz i can actually get 电到 by a malaysian bung at this shop while installing the machine today. hahas. idk if my heart's becoming desperate and just going haywired and all confused in denial, when i left and she looked at me in the eye and said bye, my heart skipped a beat- a beat which i know it should not even be skipping.
*slaps head. and its becoming something that i can't control. yea, can see it as a joke or what, but now that i sense it becoming more and more.... 'effective', i should be getting worried for my life ya.




maybe its because my radio radio has been sold to the gurang guni, that my life, w/o music,
is so rubbished and lost in uncertainty.
ok, i'm talking cok and sing song.



ok. its been long since i've written a proper essay, read a passage or a book and i can totally sense my english totally going down the drain, to an extent that i can't even pen down the things i really wanna say and some times, even get lost in what i am trying to say. understand? omg. sucks. hahas. i know the language structure is all wrong and idk how to correct it. this is what i call in a state of being... JIA LAT.



happy thing for the wk, i bought the Panasonic FT3 camera last mon. a waterproof, shockproof camera. though it took up like 90% of my money in the bank, leaving me all poor now, i think its worth it coz now i dare to take out my camera and shoot anyhow and start wanting to recapture my memories. (my s95's all too perfect that i think i should only bring around for special occasions).

I'll rmbr the agonizing feeling and next time when I'm all good to go, there will be no excuses to not give ur 100%.

the sun was a 580ex ii today

whoas.


since the ankle, haven't been really trng all out, especially in the hot afternoon sun.

today was the one of the rare trngs for 7s (in 2 wks time) and i really didn't want to think about the ankle.
into 30mins of the trng was super duper shagged. i felt so breathless, my chest was tight and i had to really control my breathing.
i couldn't really focus on the team talks coz i was trying to manage myself.

damn jialat.
i was reminded, u are damn unfit.


i needed to like re-climatized myself. we're doing runs after runs and it felt like the coaches forgotten about waterbreaks.
into 1hr, whoas, flashing even more and i felt my eyes really really tight all around. at that point, i was thinking.. whoas. my fitness is... boomz. and i might just die soon.
most of my teammates are national players who had major gym session at 8am in the morng. totally respect them for tahaning it through out. and i think also coz they've been trng and drilling in fitness that they were able to tahan the heat. or maybe, they're really so mentally zai that tiredness is not in their vocab. hahahas.

it almost felt like a cardio-cum-speed-recovery trng.




and yea. i was at that time too tired to bother about my ankle. yea, and i missed tackle every single man. felt so useless.
then i got tackled and my ankle got pulled.
thank God it was abt 5mins to end of trng.

hhahhas.


damn miserable man.





been loong since i felt so chuii.
i think i should start running.
like tell myself that i love running. the marathon kinda running.


ioverunningiloverunningiloverunning.








and omg, i need to forget about you.
in a few more days, it'lll officially be 5 yrs since we've not have had a proper conversation; promised to be friends and never did.

with a smile

ok. horrible june just passed.
what a month.



"the biggest mistake you can make is to drift apart from someone you once had the time of your life with."



really. saw this quote and it just makes me wanna be a better person.


i mean like, if we really focus on the positive side of things, naturally, the negative side won't be that much of an obvious barrier right.



the whole june month was really ugh.
with busy preparations/ work/ plus indepth miscomms.
i really dont.get.it.
y can't ppl just be upfront about things? y can't friends remain as friends; or rather, y can't ppl be true to themselves and others and stop thinking about themselves all the time.
sometimes i'm guilty of that much. but i'm pretty sure i dont fake my way through and hurt ppl along the way.
haiz.
i really miss my friends. really. the old them.
and those who are so physically far away ( - social networkings).






mother poon randomly asked me about him.
"u all nv get back tgt ah"
in my heart, i was like.....er... we dont even talk ya. hahas

she went on saying that she was talking to his parents the other day over dinner during the wedding. like how his father was so proud of me coz i of the things i do (?); the mother happy to see me.... etc.
okkkkk. "cannot be his daughter, be his daughter-in-law also good"
MOTHER POON AH. duno if she got think before she speak or not.


but i think that less-than-one-min conversation did have an impact on me for the whole night.
i went on dreaming of him again, another happy moment when we're able to start talking as friends.
u know, one of the thingstodobeforeidie would be to just have a good converstaion with him and that's it. nothing more.
i'm just 不甘心 that i've lost a best friend and a good brother like him.




OH WELLS.




on a random note, i've got a sudden inspiration to play scrumhalf.

the wedding!!

finally able to give a proper post after 2 wks!! hahas






















some of the photos...




during the church ROM...































and the dinner!!
ya. and... i've got NO photos of the beautiful bride and charming groom.

























so so glad that the photo montage went well! totally not good in using the mac to do it. first time using iphoto and imovie to do it. i started doing ppts using microsoft ppt, then moved on to windows movie maker (damn pro at it alrdy. HAHHAS), and then onto mac. hope to use adobe premier pro or something else that can allow me to edit more. (:


really took alot of effort this time. sleepless nights, took leave, groogy and grouchy. but because it was for my awesomest, very 1st cell grp leader/ godma/ writing pal bride and for the teens and youth chairman/ guitar person groom, it was all worth it.
i knew i just wanted it perfect and suited and that's y.

glad that jovin's vid turned out excellent and pro-ed max. hahas.


now that all the wedding formalities are finally over after months and months of preparation, anxiety and anticipation, the road ahead of them continues on. i wish them a very happy marriage and to start having little zhengs and jos soon. ahhahs. (:

what a wkend

i owe u guys too many post about my exciting ilfe. hahas



what a wkend.



and just as i thought everything could be over,
i.saw.you.





there and then, my life kinda stopped.
and now, slowly trying to reboot up.




so much ups and downs this wk. so much to blog.
but my energy level is.... || of |||||||||.

learn to wait

so many happs events to blogg but no energy!! hahahhs

the main highlight of the wkend was zheng and jo's wedding. (ok, next post!)
yep, and i bravely cut by hair short ytd. inspired by my injured ankle.
( no ankle = no ballet = no recital/exams = no need for long hair)



today, God taught me how to be PATIENT.
my tweet: I've learnt today that whenever u're in a rush, God will make sure u wait. And He'll pull out all stops to make u learn.


everything just goes wrong whenever i'm in a rush.

ok, the plan is.... i booked physio sports massage for today, 1.15pm. gd to go during lunch break.
(it's actually a postponed plan coz the physio was on MC last wk.)


some of the bad things/things that HAD to slow me down
(there was practically a fault in each step i took).......


- my jobs were in clementi, CHOA CHU KANG area, and my appt was at 1.15pm.
- the job appts are at 10am, 2pm and 2.30pm.
- the 2pm/2.30pm one can go earlier. the 2pm ok. the 2.30pm one.. got so much prob.
- went to the place, the whole place moved to Teck Whye. had to find THAT PLACE, with just one given info- "TECK WHYE".
- went there, the person wasn't there. i could just do what i needed to do then coz everything was there, but i JUST had to wait for her.
- so, i had to cancel my appointment. totally cancelled it. coz i literally gave up trying to postpone it.
- otw to choa chu kang, as i was rushing, i did made some wrongful turns which i dont usually do; that slowed me down.
- i could have spent more time in SIM or even have lunch with caroline and gang. but everything was wasted.
- went back office. wanted to justify my hardwork and committment by dropping by some nice eating place. but the route back didn't allow me to. and i was too drippin wet to chill.
- supposed to meet mother poon and boy for dinner/ playground time at 5pm, but the machine just had to delay me.
- the staff took 10,000 yrs to close to counter.
- it was supposed to be a rainy day, but it drizzled only when i ended work.



U.G.H


God really tried to slow me down and be paitent.
while waiting for the staff, i did reflect upon my day and then realized that He was really trying to do it.
each time i wanted to take one step forward, i moved 2 steps back instead. when i sorted things out and slowed myself down, things just fall into place. tsk tsk.







my palpitations are more obvious these few days and i can get really really impatient and angsty by myself, especially when things dont go according to plan. i used to have those palpitations and even took blood/ecg test for it as dr moey adviced me to. and yea, i did have minor signs of thyroid probs, but i think just really minute and almost none kind.

but these few days, i can really hear/feel those random heartbeats more often. like 3-4 times a day. and when i get angsty, i really just had to sit down, hold in my breath and release it slowly in 8 counts. totally.. uncool man.
googled it and one of the symptons is weight loss. I WISH LORRR!! i know i'm always hungry and i can rarely real the 'very full' stomach limit.... but the weight loss symptom? no signs of it man. hahas, though i do wish i would have the symptom (but it must not be at the expense of my heartbeats in a lifetime one can have).





haiz.




over the wkend, i thought i could see u.
but on both days, i didn't.
my mum and ur mom seemed pretty close. hugg and alll siol.
she has more info than i have now. she even told me where u'd be studying after ur ns, and when/where u'd be moving house.
all came to a surprise to me.
happy for u to know what u've probably did well academically.
still, u're top 3 on my prayer list every night man. first is my family, then friends, then u and ur family. i'm not sure if its a habit, but praying for u is the least i can do. not to gain anything, but to know that God has everything well taken care of.

i really dont think i'm stressed coz i've been trained to perform under pressure.


but just tonight, i just want to run away.
to leave everything behind.


and really, i am not being emo for the sake of being emo or like to be emo.



i just feel so hurt and tired.
and i really need you here right now to steer my heart.
w/o u beside me, my world has been an empty empathetic shell.

ugh

so upsetting.


my objective is to keep cost low so we raise more funds.
just 1 design, and 2 colours- one dark, one light, so more ppl can buy. that's it. simple.

then some want something exclusive for ourselves.
so i'm trying to make sure that everyone is on the same page.

so i come with up another suggestion.
then it feels that i'm being arrowed down.

just because i want to be democratic, i get misunderstood.

i dont care if u all read this or not, tell the whole world, print screen, spam everything on everywhere or what, i just need to get it off my chest.



i.dont.need.to.please.everyone.

-



today, went physio.
and the doc was.. bala's brother!!! AHAHHAHAS. small world. (my doc on leave)

then catch up + lunch at tp.

then work.


then do the video.


then Monsoon award's night at sylvia's place, aka. starwars museum with a welcoming mr. macdonald.


then home.


and die die must finish the montage by tmr.









-




Friends are not ur friends if u don't trust them as they don't trust you


started out, we're really gd friends one whole group.
then we're all v comfortable in telling each other who we felt about things. very openly, about anything and anyone.
gossips, bitching and all. never really approved of it nor contributed, just listen and forget. there and then, i was like wha. how nice ah. there's ppl i can depend on in this circle, share all my ups and downs.
now i think, i opened up too soon.

because i told you, u tell others w/o asking for my permission. and i clearly told you not to tell. and i think that was the turning point.
idk if u gossiped or bitched or whatever, i just feel that as friends, maybe u could have be more respectful about it. but ok. appreciate that u told me though it was only after u told her.


gosh. and i thought gone are the days of bitching when i graduated from an IJ school man.


and so. from then on, i can no longer trust you and everyone else around you. i may have underestimated how influential u are, but i think i shouldn't really care. if choosing ur friends for whatever the reason is where u're heading, then ok, i should not be affected in anyway.

and somehow, because of my insecure self, i do get discouraged because of this and my performance has went down tremendously. it even did occur to me to quit this whole thing and leave the scene, but then again, i think its not worth it. as long as i do my part, i should not be afraid of anything.
i shouldn't try to go any extra mile, take any extra effort coz anything will just be misinterpreted and with my awesomest low self-esteem, i'm just sinking back into self torture and mutilation.

recently, i really did try to not be so sensitive.
but so many things keep happening against me.
i just wanna give up.
and i should stop trying to please everyone and boost their ego.



ok. let's just leave it as it is and look at the bigger picture. well i am tired, i am working so hard on the wedding. and therefore, i am damn sensitive.
ok? happy.

brain burst

i've got so many things to be concerned for.

work
wedding
the montage
laos trip shirt
blacks shirt
everything about fundraising
what to wear for wedding
photography for wedding
need to borrow flash and lens
wedding gifts
work again
trng that i'm going be be missing out due to my injury
proper conditioning since i'm gg to be out on trngs
physio
and the appointments
dinner dates
award night
my career interviews? some in progress, some have to apply.
the general elections form to fill up
sending ppl off at airport for wc/ and bel to aussie
and my terrible ankle that's restraining me alot.



ok.


i





need






to






breathe







ya.









and sometimes, it doesn't help if ppl think that they're always right and the most experienced, put you down, doubt ur capabilities.
they.ought.to.be.shot.





at the rate i'm using my brain cells, it feels that they'll be depleted in no time.
and yea,i rmbr at work today, i was trying to calculate how many pages are there in 275-384. i felt that my brain was so tired that i gave up and counted by hand. hahahhas.


okok. i need to finish up the ppt and restttt.

nua tiao

sians.


my eng vocab getting more and more limited by the day.


2010 is just a very hectic yr for many. i think its more so for those 89/88 ppl.
mid pt. decisions. choices.


The story of the pencil
source: “Like the Flowing River” by Paulo Coelho

A boy was watching his grandmother write a letter. At one point he asked:

‘Are you writing a story about what we’ve done? Is it a story about me?’
His grandmother stopped writing her letter and said to her grandson:
I am writing about you, actually, but more important than the words is the pencil I’m using. I hope you will be like this pencil when you grow up.’

Intrigued, the boy looked at the pencil. It didn’t seem very special.
‘But it’s just like any other pencil I’ve ever seen!’

‘That depends on how you look at things. It has five qualities which, if you manage to hang on them, will make you a person who is always at peace with the world.’

‘First quality: you are capable of great things, but you must never forget that there is a hand guiding your steps. We call that hand God, and He always guides us according to His will.’

‘Second quality: now and then, I have to stop writing and use a sharpner. That makes the pencil suffer a little, but afterwards, he’s much sharper. So you, too, must learn to bear certain pains and sorrows, because they will make you a better person.'

‘Third quality: the pencil always allows us to use an eraser to rub out any mistakes. This means that correcting something we did is not necessarily a bad thing; it helps to keep us on the road to justice.’

‘Fourth quality: what really matters in a pencil is not its wooden exterior, but the graphite inside. So always pay attention to what is happening inside you.’

‘Finally, the pencil’s fifth quality: it always leaves a mark. in just the same way, you should know that everything you do in life will leave a mark, so try to be conscious of that in your every action’

THE click

Asian Champs ended today.


omgggggggggggg yyyyyyyyyy


always like that. 1 or 2 trngs b4 a season start, i'll tear my ankle ligament. first the right (stl 2010), then the left (gw15s 2011) , the now the right (gw 7s 2011). then like that i must prepare for another left ankle spain hur?


ugh.



DAMNNNN SIAAAN.



was the finals against SIM. then sheema hard touch me as i wanted to dive and score. i kinda tripped over and i think my right ankle got caught in the ground before her legs as i was falling forward. and ta-dah... i heard THE CLICK and i was like.. shitt.
i cried sia. hahas.
ya it was pain, but i was pretty sure that i cried coz i was bloody frustrated. it was only JUST LAST MONTH that my doc said i can be DISCHARGED from physio. looks like i've gotta call up and make an appointment again? and to think that i've got to go through all the physio for another 6 months to gain back 80% strength is the shit.

like seriously, my agility has dropped like mad. my speed and burst also damn slow now. ppl actually notice the difference. now leh?! sian TTM.



we lost in the end for the finals. we kinda drew then lost in the sudden death.
i think it's a pity, but both teams fought well la.







but ok, i have to rant this out; when i helped SIM to take happy team photos, i really felt the pinch man.
its like, i've done so much before all...... ok. nvm. no point, no use.
no one will understand how i feel and what i was going through.




wtf la.




just damn upset now coz its just bugging me.
and i had to miss the first 7s Blacks trng and ms shanti's wedding tea at Dance Arts.


and ya, all that ability to go back to ballet and tap for about 2 months has now gone to waste yet again. i can't go for classes now and have to strengthen it normally before i strengthen it for dance.






but ok. to try and be positive,
well, at least i'm the one who injured my ankle rather than any of the WC players.
and, i had fun with my team mates.











*criss cross fingers, if i really do get into the paramedic trng, i HOPE AND PRAY that i can be healed well enough to start the physical trng ya. i dont want this to be a liability anymore.




yes, and i need to stop being so colourful with my language.

crazy wkend part 1

just this 2 days, i've got a really packed schedule.

today, it was Asian Champs 9-6pm, hakim's farewell 6.30-10pm, vincent's 21st 10pm-1am.
tmr, it's Asian Champs 9-2pm, blacks contact 3pm-6pm, ms shanti's wedding tea 7pm onwards.


so because i predicted that i'm not able to recover physically an do up zheng and jo's wedding vid in time, i told cheong in advance that i want to take leave on monday. i MUST finished their vid. MUST.




and yes. today, amen for the rain, so it wasnt' that tiring. we only had like 8-10 players. depending if other games clashed for some of the national womens in our team.
so we played 5 20min games today. THUNDER AND LIGHNING in the afternoon.. so waited out for about 1hr.


not gonna talk about the games now.. coz time check... 2am alrdy. i need to slp!

gonna make it brief.





the farewell.
hahas.in a house of gay ppl makes me happy. its like i can so be myself any worries ya. hahahha.
and the bbq food is atas. like $39 sausages, $500 airflown beef from NZ, aweseomest satay and all.
power only.



then 21st bday.
at club titanium. hahahas.
same old ppl. drank enough to ride home safely.



ok. gd night.

skipped a beat

ok.

like finally, my heart actually skipped a beat when this person added me on fb.

ahas. we know each other la. but not personally personally. see each other in tp gym quite often.
i'm more happy for myself that i'm finallyable to be excited over another person rather than u.
so ytd, after he added me, we chat on fb like as if we knew each other for damn long. i guess coz there's lots of common friends as well.

but the irony is. last night, i dreamt of u again!
it was damn realistic. i dreamt that i smsed u saying "hey whoever, let's meet up for dinner ya. been a loonggg time since we've caught up! wonder how's things on ur side now.." and the phone screen in my dream was like on the nokia 6510.

then i think we did met up and caught up with the good times and became excellent normal brothers for life.
hahas. how ideal right. literally in my dreammss.


back to staying relevant to my blog post.. ya.
i hope i dun see this whole thing as a replacement thing. and really i dont want to go crazy over this kind of things.
aiya, its just an eye candy luh.
at least now i've got 2 eye candies to be excited about. hahhas.
but i kinda still feel that its a very diff feeling altogether.
i mean like. u know, 4 yrs like each other, 2 years together, breakup, then still like the heartbreaker for another 4 yrs (i think) ?!
what can beat that? that's 10yrs man.... a decade!! honestly, not speaking to u since forever is kinda eating me slowly day by day.



AIYA. WHATEVER LA.


omg. totally ruining my image right. ahhahas.
yea, u're not on the wrong blog. u're on sportspoon.blogspot.com that is.
hahahs.




i mean ya, i dont exactly know who reads my blog and how many people reads my blog. i just blog to be heard. that that's probably the scary thing. ppl know u more than u know how much they know you.. anyways. i dont care if i'm being judged for this ya. so long as i get it off my chest, i'm gd to go. :D



good night punks.

splits side

anything but being misunderstood.


sometimes, because of all that's going around, i start to question my own integrity. like, who am i when no one's looking. wwjd.
i help ppl coz i want ppl to be happy. but then again, u'll be happy if the person u've helped is happy. so, are u helping because u just want to feel happy, or are u genuinely happy for that person?


i used to be so sure of myself.
but it starts to sting u when ppl dont respond nicely.

and when u've tried ur best, and there's so much miscomm along the way, it all voice down to you and ur mistakes and then, i get all the low self-esteem shit and all.

honetly, i dont want to be a girl that puts on a happy front but to be genuinely happy because i am a child on God and i am here to save the world. (:

for a change..

i used to blog solidly about the happs events in my life to keep track; like celebrating ppls' bdays, sporting events, school, church events and all...
now, its leaning towards the i-blog-because-i-want-to-rant curve.
not very nice hur.

i guess many factors may just attribute to sucha a behaviour, but fear not! i'm still positive; just trying to iron out all rough patches in my life now.




so today's Sam's bday. 21st alrdy. hahas. welcome to the club.


looking at fb photos...u only realize how old u're getting when u see the younger ones hitting the jc/poly stage. kinda like... "huh! jc alrdy ah!" then u think again and realized, oohhh mmyyy. i am getting oldd.
actually 22 still young la! - though i can kinda feel the age coming up. some things may not be the same, and some friends are just... not the same anymore.


ANYWAYS.
as i work, i walk around to find the shops to install the terminals.. i do look aorund. today... was at NEX. power. the place ALOT of things man. like HUGE. its like a heartland vivo city in a way. and.. ALLLOOOTT OF FOOOOD. and and. HAHA. kinda looking around for a nice dress for zheng n jo's wedding. ok luh. quite relieved that i'm starting to look at dresses. but to actually spend money on them to wear them out is another issue altogether.




ya. and there's a reason why i dont actually wanna rotate the photo upright. but this dress likea nice only.
the price also nice. $105 i think ?! at Isetan. i so won't spend that kind of money on a dress. maybe $25 max? ahhas. $105 i can save up abit more for a good handle bar for my mountain bike alrdy lors!!!! or even a good atas helmet.

anyways.
damn gian about bikes now. P-plate riders on Fazers makes me more..... GIAN!!! the 180cc fazer HOW NICE. CLASS 2B. can u believe it!! so nice right!!!!!!!!!! this one put a metalic box behind also nice.
only bad thing is cannot put basket so cannot buy bakchormee soup and my Oolong cha and put in basket. ahahhas.




and another...

THE Trek DS Series...
...


dang dang dang dang

The Interview II

so today, paramedic interview. 10am till 5pm ya!
soooooo loooonggg.
36km from bedok to Civil Defence Academy. i can't rmbr when, but it seems like i've been there before?! maybe in my dreams hur. ahahs.


its supposed to be like a physical test. i though how xiong. but ok la. like warm up like that.
and o.m.g. GUESS WHO i was one of the 'testers'. THAT Major who disapproved me of my snr officer dream. hahas.
YA. quite funny. i saw him.. then i was like.. "omg. u again". hAHHAHA. ok luh. nice guy. he has his reasons, but i still wished that he could have been more frank with me though. i can take it one la. HAHA. i just want to know the truth.


anyways.
first was the CA thing. (Chemical Agent?)
wear the suit. ahhas. omg. FUN man. hhhas. always wanted to wear the whole thing. then got gas mask and all. then wear full gear, run up 1 storey, run down, then run round the campus. supposed to be 300m. but it felt like maybe 250m? then come back must do 30 sit ups. ahahas. totally inspired me to wanna join FRS. hahahhahs. it wasn't that physically challenging as compared to rugby trngs... but it felt like the mt k. climb- the lack of oxygen and must control breathing kinda thing. i like.



then, was the space constraint thing.
and omg. GUESS WHO I SAW AGAIN. Jason chua(?) HAHA. the super fierce guy i saw on the DART selection trng videos. hahahs. he's actually quite a charming, friendly and nice guy. keep smiling only. HAHA. i think coz we're like testwater and not trng so we see this side of him. hahas. but this was the part i enjoyed the most.
first u gotta climb the ladder up 1 storey. the climb one storey down. then go through this dungeon looking debris collapsing tunnel. at first got light. then no light. hahhas. then must turn right. then i hit my head coz too excited. HAHAS. lucky got helmet. hahas. but this was what i wanted to do!! (: felt like they could have made it more challenging and exciting.


next was the part where we had to carry 2 heavy bags and walk 2 rounds.
i thought how heavy. they say until like damn heavy. but i think the bagpack barely weighs 10kg and the hand-carry probably about 6kg? hahas. i think this is where my bowling trngs come to good use. ahhahs. coz last time when i was younger, i scared to take the lift late at night. so i would carry like my sch bag plus 4 bowling balls up 6 storeys ya. and in speed some more. ahhas. that's probably like (7x 4 + 3 = ) 31kg. hahahas. so this test..... nothing la! hahahs. aye seh. ahhahahhas. how chill.




next, played with the stretcher.
played around it. had the nsf guy to be our 'victim'. ahhas. quite fun ah. but i think must play more with it then can be really familiarized with it.



after that.. it was the balance test.
so the patient was in the ambulance... then the ambulance go around the campus like 2 rounds. the driver anyhow only. speed. then brake. then anyhow turn at the bend.. basically he tried to make it as wobbily as possible. then the test was for me to take things up and down, open the cabinet and so forth... and basically be able to balance in a moving ambulance lor.
ahhaas. ok luh.





overall.. ok luh. it reminded me of how much i wanted to a fireman in the first place- to save lives.
and ya, as a paramedic, though i have a degree, i will receive a diploma pay. thus, i have to rmbr y did i even ended up at scdf again- to save lives. i think secretly deep inside, when i faced the rejection for my application as a snr officier, i was quite resentful (and maybe still is, i dont know).. so i majorly psycho-ed myself to join the airforce.


but then again, i know i can't work as a paramedic for 20 yrs. but as an engineer, i can.
ultimately, i do want to be able to repair aeroplanes like my dad. but at the same time, i still wanna save lives. joining paramedic will allow me to be a useful person when there's emergency. there's probably some other avenue for me to learn all these life saving skills, but i think paramedic will give me that exposure i would appreciate.

so, it really looks like i'm creeping towards my 3rd option, which is to paramedic (2yrs) > snr officer, 4 yrs? > see how and when > do a scholarship with ST Aero, 5 yrs > about 35 yrs old, and join SIA Engineering and settle there..


nothing's confirmed yet though.
its just interview part II and there's a part III - the panel judging.

so i'm still roughly exploring my option 2, diploma in aerospace + bond with airforce > ocs > bond again to study in NTU > come out, either straight to SIA engineering or might wanna explore ST Aero first.


yup. so after the day's interview, went down to depot road and ask for some career advice on the JPSDS scheme. they're not too sure about it also. but i do think that i'm able to excel in the airforce more i guess. hahas. oh wells.


pls do pray for God's directions. if this paramedic door were to close on me, at least i have a clear airforce path. it otherwise, i.e, JPSDS not applicable for 2nd time diploma, then ok, scdf. if both closed. OMG. last restort- AIRFORCE C3 ok. hahahhahas. at least my pay will be good then. aahhaas. what a consolation.

ok. but i still want to save lives. ahahahahhas.





ok. i sound damn 矛盾... hahahs. okok. leaving it up all to God!

and this draggs on..

ok. so tmr's the part 2 interview for paramedic.
i really dk if i really want this, now.

2yrs of studies then i become a full fledged paramedic. i'm really pretty excited abt helping ppl like that.
but then again, 20 yrs later? what am i gg to do after that?


tmr, after the literally whole day interview, will be heading down to the airforce hq and TP to seek some advices about life. hahas.


last night, this really gd friend of mine expressed some sort of feelings towards me over bbm.
i was like... eh. super caught by surprise.
and i mean like... i dun like my gd guy friends to have more-than-friends-feelings for me. quite sick and tired of all these r/s thing; be it being confused of my identity and so forth. just because we can talk about anything doesn't mean there's more to this really gd friendship ya.

honestly, kinda disappointed. yea, the next time we can meet and act as if nothing was being expressed. but seriously, can it still be the same?



i hate all this.
enough man.
UGH.



while riding home after dinner, my mind was just very distracted and i had to force myself to ride below 100km/h and not on the 1st 2 lanes.



in my head, i kept thinking of.... you.
dont know why, but just these 2 months, i start to think more of you again. before that, things got better when i just occasionally think of you. just this wk, it got pretty worse when u were really in my head even when i'm working! and that's just NOT GOOD. i dont know why after all these yrs u still play such a big part i my life. for the past 2 nights, i felt really compelled to go to ur place and just force out a conversation with you and ask how are u in life. hahas.

infact, just last fri, i had a great catch up dinner with ju at kovan. she chose that place for some reason. hahas.
kovan brings alot of memories. i mean we dont hang out there ALOT in the past, but it was the heartland mall near to ur place. and the mrt station u would alight to go home and stuff like that.

so otw home, instead of gg home, i took a turn into our secret hideout where we would just sit there and talk till forever.
i looked at the chairs, at the walls... and told myself- enough. wake up for ur idea and go home now.


and so i did.







ok. LETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGO.
its really been so loong and idk why my heart and whole well being clings onto u. i hope that u faster get a gd girlfriend, get married so that i can force myself to let go upfront. i've really been trying. so so hard that i put up so many walls around, enclosing myself into someone i question.



u know what,

I. WANT. TO. GROW. UP.

Rough week

i've having sucha rough week..

Tues and Wed was like a totally MURPHY's law at full force.


Tues.
I FAILED MY 2A. 34 POINTS YA.
paper say come at 7.15am. we actually started the test at 11am. WAIT AND WAIT LIKE SHIT.
but throughout the whole test, my legs were shaking. ahhahs. while waiting for figure 8, my left leg was shaking damn badly. ahahas. its either bike motor or the latter which i think so. ahhas

ok. my mistakes were blindspots?! and i am DAMN sure, that i've checked ALL my blindspots. infact, blind spots are my strengths ok! hahas. didn't meet timing for salon and crank course. but crank course cannot blame me what. got car infront i had to slow down!! was supppppperrrr nervous for plank. need to be damn calm at plank. but ok la.

made a few friends! (: another girl, bertha! hahas. from ntu/ tj and all who rides a phantom. and another no.10 guy who's doing his class 2 and wants a ducati. hahas.


but they are super duper strict. after the 1st bike go, the tester wait and wait and wait with eagle eyes all on the bike till he finishes his slope man! then the next bike can go. scared the shit out of ppl man.


but ): that i failed ah. dun wanna go through the whole process again.
after the test, i was still shaking like mad. hahas. really damn scared. hahas. 1 chance only.



then after that... work was killer.
everything was just wrong. terminal cannot print. then RAINNED. then at another shop, cannot find the 4th terminal. then by then it was late and all the medical centre that i was supposed to go were closed. wasted all my time and effort.
quite irritated.
then went tp for social touch. really super tired.
after that, after dinner, (just as i thought that NO MORE WRONG can go for the day)...supposed to meet the supplier for the minilomo coz mine got some prob i think. then i read bedok reservoir view as bedok reservoir road. then canot find. then after 45mins, then found.
reached home, K.O-ed on the sofa totally. even fell asleep while watching the exciting part of my fav 9pm hk drama



the very next day, WED.
just as i thought Murhy's law could stop.. but no. it went on full throttle.
was still damn tired. like havedn't recovered from the bad day.
so bright hot and sunny. then afternoon, THE RAIN POURED.
was at heeran.. so walked around... and THERE'S A BILLABONG SALE MAN. that was probably the only thing that lifted my spirits. i bought 2 jackets and 1 bag for $105.
the prices;
-billabong jacket: $99.90 $24.
-atas NIXON weatherproof jacket: $115 $34
-billabong bagpack: $89 $34

then there was this $436 nixon leather jacket then slashed its price till $105 man!!!
siao lor. till 19 june. that really made me a happy girl again despite the horrible weather.



then timbre with the touch girls. and everything seemed to take on a better turn. amen.





so today. kinda recovered.








been really struggling with decisions.
SCDF called me up for interview for paramedic. SERIOUSLYY. first u reject me. then now u want me to go 2nd part interview. i reallly dont know anymore. coz i've made some plans alrdy.
honestly, thinking more practically, i think i wanna go airline industry. aerospace. repair aeroplanes. i think i've got talent (HHAHA. seriously though.) in repairing things. my dad's genes ar.
but with my marketing dip and degree, its propbably out of the question.


so 2 options:
1) Dip in Aerospace with TP. BUT. fees gonna be ex , coz no more tution grant from the gov since it's the 2nd time ($16k /sem?!) . THUS, i might wanna sign up with the airforce, and get scholarship through the JPSDS scheme (if it still applies). MIGHT be able to go in as officer since i've alrdy got a degree.
the major con is... i HAVE to secure a place in poly first before i can apply this scholarship. imagine if i secure a place alrdy and airforce say no to the scheme. i will just kill myself and declare bankrupt.
and then again, if let's say i do well, and still succeeding in the airforce, i can apply for NTU scholarship.


2) SAR 66 / LEA cert. hopefully under ST Aerospace? but i'm not too sure about this. coz if i'm not wrong, u still need some form of engineering background. and though i've gotten this cert and all, i dun think i'm eligible for a good degree. but major pro is that i'm gonna start young and have lotsa work experience with many types of aircrafts.



ya. i know right.
i feel like i'm back tracking my life alot.
so by the time i'm able to make it to NTU, i'm gonna be like hitting my 30s?!
ok luh. at least i roughly know what i want right. though i still really wanna be a fireman, i think i gotta face reality la. if i'm tall and the 1.65m kind of strong, i think there's a route there for me.

paramedic? idk. they tell me that they're gonna take me in as a diploma holder. that i honestly dont mind. but then again... gotta study for 2 more yrs. and what happens 50 yrs later? would i have any more skills? i dun wanna like study again when i'm in my 40s ya. totally a waste.



i do wanna chiong while i'm still young la.
but honestly, weighing all my pros and cons are just the icing of the cake. monday, i'll just go for the scdf simulation interview and see what's it all about. then i'll go airforce and speak with the person and see what can be arranged. then go see TP aerospace course manager, talk to uncle sam and all.


HAIZ.
some times i really dont know what i'm doing anymore.
i kinda need u and ur always so helpful comments and suggestions. u'd always be giving me encouragements, comments, feedback, but still leaving me with the options to choose and decide and eventually make me feel more confident about it.



H E L P.