and this draggs on..

ok. so tmr's the part 2 interview for paramedic.
i really dk if i really want this, now.

2yrs of studies then i become a full fledged paramedic. i'm really pretty excited abt helping ppl like that.
but then again, 20 yrs later? what am i gg to do after that?


tmr, after the literally whole day interview, will be heading down to the airforce hq and TP to seek some advices about life. hahas.


last night, this really gd friend of mine expressed some sort of feelings towards me over bbm.
i was like... eh. super caught by surprise.
and i mean like... i dun like my gd guy friends to have more-than-friends-feelings for me. quite sick and tired of all these r/s thing; be it being confused of my identity and so forth. just because we can talk about anything doesn't mean there's more to this really gd friendship ya.

honestly, kinda disappointed. yea, the next time we can meet and act as if nothing was being expressed. but seriously, can it still be the same?



i hate all this.
enough man.
UGH.



while riding home after dinner, my mind was just very distracted and i had to force myself to ride below 100km/h and not on the 1st 2 lanes.



in my head, i kept thinking of.... you.
dont know why, but just these 2 months, i start to think more of you again. before that, things got better when i just occasionally think of you. just this wk, it got pretty worse when u were really in my head even when i'm working! and that's just NOT GOOD. i dont know why after all these yrs u still play such a big part i my life. for the past 2 nights, i felt really compelled to go to ur place and just force out a conversation with you and ask how are u in life. hahas.

infact, just last fri, i had a great catch up dinner with ju at kovan. she chose that place for some reason. hahas.
kovan brings alot of memories. i mean we dont hang out there ALOT in the past, but it was the heartland mall near to ur place. and the mrt station u would alight to go home and stuff like that.

so otw home, instead of gg home, i took a turn into our secret hideout where we would just sit there and talk till forever.
i looked at the chairs, at the walls... and told myself- enough. wake up for ur idea and go home now.


and so i did.







ok. LETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGOLETGO.
its really been so loong and idk why my heart and whole well being clings onto u. i hope that u faster get a gd girlfriend, get married so that i can force myself to let go upfront. i've really been trying. so so hard that i put up so many walls around, enclosing myself into someone i question.



u know what,

I. WANT. TO. GROW. UP.