i guess this is going to swing to the unpleasant side (again).
that's the horrible thing about me; my response seems to be always towards the adverse side in opposition no matter the outcome. these few months hadn't been easy, words crafted for you from my heart's like the carbon dioxide gas bubbles in the bottle, always trying to explode but with a cap to it.
refrained. confined. confused.
i have really tried my best to at least, save this channel by not writing/posting things about u here; but at the end of the day, this is still a blog, my place of refuge for the aching heart. been trying, but just let me do it one more time here.
when you msged me, i was of course, elated.
glad that you're reading the debris of my heart.
sad that u're also reading the debris of my heart.
however, i regretted it all again coz i dont think i will understand what i'm gg to be putting the both of us through yet again. actually, i dont think things should be that complicated. however, i guess we mean so much to each other that its officially becoming so difficult to find that thin line to walk on together. really hate myself for this to a point of blatant disgust. :(
ok. why i've locked my instagram/twitter - honestly at the beginning, u were the big fraction of the reason. however, as i move along, because i just want to share nice pics of the aviation scene in sg, i just had to privatize it just in case the photos land up in the wrong eyes of the legislation. its really not me to be locking up stuff that in the first place i've put up to share, but i guess at this point, i have to? i never really want to abuse social media spaces as channels for indirect msgs to anyone coz i always believe that if one wants to say anything to someone, it's only right to do it right in the face and directly coz it makes more sense that way.
i rlly dk what to do and where i can go from here.
all i can say is that i am sorry.
perhaps may the grace and love of God fall upon this relationship. i need this. need this so so badly.
idk if its legit for me to ask for more time as a self-healing medication coz idk what is it that i'm waiting for since both of us have differing ideologies that are yet so similar. besides, how much more time do i need? how much time do we require? i dont want you to be waiting for me while i dont want to be waiting for you by believing that things till change when it will not, unless our values take on major shifts.
and like all tetonic shifts, earthquakes do surface and cause the unwanted massive destruction. is this inevitable?
do we really love each other since love should be able to overcome many things and since it's supposedly to be 'blind'? or are we trying to keep our eyes open too much? are we being selfish?
or am i really confused between a platonic vs a romantic relationship with a guy?
what am i really saying here?
perhaps i should just cold turkey this whole episode.
stop going to places that i shouldnt go.
stop wasting time on doing things that shouldnt matter.
but i'm abit afraid to be walking a past route to be resorting to thing that would hurt myself.
really, at this age, realllly?
can i live without you?
can i live with you?
visually, i just feel like taking out my heart crushing it with many G forces to a point of irreversible state and then throw it into the rubbish chute.or perhaps, crush the brain of mine so it'll let my heart go free.
howwww?
i just dont know how to deal with this.
it is supposed to be clear. but it is taking far too long to register that.
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