unmoving air

dun really wanna write a post coz i know its not gg to be a good one; but i just gotta let out some steam.
just came back from a 44 deg cabin and my whole shirt is really dripping wet, soaked through till the vest.



ok.
i've being taught that no one should strive for perfection in this world, even if it means to simply work hard and put in that extra effort.
well this............. is something i do not want to learn.
perhaps there may not be direct reaping from the additional 'expense', indirect value do surface still.
perhaps u're just saying things to agitate me. but seriously, at this urm... age/status/well-being?
nevertheless, for the business mind u have, i still respect u for that.

u may call me perfectionist, but one should not stop anyone from trying to achieve the better.
and even more so, one should never be sarcastic about proper things / messages. i really dont get you since there's really no good out of it. maybe in an IJ convent sch filled with teenage girls, i understand. but here... really?
idk if u're really trying to test out my patience or what, but i'm glad its just 2 more days and i should be able to HANG.IN.THERE.

its just like saying.. yes to no change.
the contradictory.
the irony.
the conflicting thoughts of sincerity.


well. ANYWAYS.
today i went back to my OJT co to talk about some work stuff. managed to talk to 2 of the older bosses.
always good and some how comforting to be back. the company's pretty quiet as compared to the past. but haha, imagine i did make a decision then and working there now.

ok. gotta run.
kthnxbye.

Energizer Night Trail Race 2014

gonna be a long one coz i've had a loooonngggg weekend!

Friday

let's start the wkend on fri.
it was my sis' bday.
i've never skipped trngs for bdays or anything besides work; even dilligently (sometimes reluctantly) gg for trngs on my own bday. however, perhaps its the whole growing up thing, i've decided to skip trng for the family even though its the last trng before sat's game.
mother poon decided on going to the airport. perhaps she's feeling #boeingpoon. we didn't know what to eat for dinner and went ahead with Swensen's as the #1 family choice whenever we're at the airport. in the past, it was always Swensen's coz if i can rmbr with my small brain then, it was just Swensens, outside the viewing mall with a big metal globe of international coins stucked to it. wished i've had a photo of that coz i use to run around it. we walked around till like 12am. so it was like 16hrs spent in the airport for that day. ahhaha.
but yea, always missing him.
that's the thing about losing someone completely; you can't really do anything abt that loss but to just reconcile with it.


Saturday
my day started at 7.15am at yck stadium. been awhile since i've woken up before the sunrise.
it was the Club 7s series 3. (2nd round of tournament for the ladies)
we managed to get Champions this time round!

(With the oldest ginger in the team not in e photo) haha. And we welcome back our 2 almost SBJs (singapore born Japanese) from their 5 wk trng in Japan. Sometimes our attitude in life should just be like playing rugby; we do things not only because we want the best for ourselves, but we also want the best for the teammates. Even if it means to pull our teammates collar for her to get onside and just literally throwing our own bodies into the ruck, we wouldnt hesitate to do things that protect each other. Once out of the field, most of the time we go back into our comfort zones and forget to not do/say things that wouldn't add value to any our lives. I mean, let's be honest, it can never be easy with u have a group of girls together. but I'm just glad that I've met some of the both physically and mentally strongest ladies through this sport and at the end of the day it's not jusy a gentleman sport. Oh yes and i want to thank our coach jelvin for all the effort. It's not everyday that u'd see a coach run the touch judge just because he wanted his girls to have more rest time and constantly having to face the mountainous permutations of little problems coming from raging hormones.

yep. i mean this yr's 7s abit different for the club and even the scene.

but whatever it is, i think we should remind ourselves why do we play rugby. we dont really need to complicate things by saying or doing anything that is unnecessary. hahas. perhaps because its been too smooth sailing and people just want to sabotage it. oh well. we all need some love benefit those battle scars. hahas!

3pm came

It was time for the 3km obstacle course. its the same as last yr's. i thought they would change it. it wasn't very challenging as compared to MH Urbanathalon or the Commando challenge one.i guess coz its also more for the families with kids. those kid are super amazing and cute.

and since it was at Lorong Asrama, i guess the route couldn't really differ much. 

after the 3km. i was like... ok. i've got another 6pm later. 

by 5pm i was sorely regretting that i didn't do proper warm-downs for my activities for the day and totally feeling it. though i didn't have alot of game time as compared to my other teammates, the sun + heat was strong enough to suck my energy away. hahas.

went to the zoo to chill coz its the nearest place.

rested. 

lost a (just topped up $15) cash card. always happens when i just topp the card up. typically the bikers way by forgetting to remove the card. 

8pm came

hahas. before the race i was like... omg. it totally feels like i've just finished running.
this yr's free headlight was better quality, but its bigger and bulky so it made me kinda dizzy while running with it. i mean like, how can u maintain while running with bouncing white illuminated circles on the ground right. so throughout the run, i off/on the light. hahas.

the first 3 km was surprisingly ok. my lower back started to hurt, but i guess its all because of the tightness in my hammies. i didn't realize i've cleared 4km until i saw the sign and felt tired. ahhas. mentally lost that. hahahahs. well, a pat on the back coz i didn't really stop to walk until.. i met the horrible hill. the first few ones weren't that bad.. so i could maintain the pace with freaking small steps. until the last one. omg. i tell you. i was trying to reconcile my legs and the initial moment when i click the 'to register' button. the only consolation is that no one around me was jogging, everyone was slowly climbing up with big strides. through my bg music from my earphones, i can hear heavy breathing and occasional burst of swearings. hahahahs

at that moment, i was thinking abt this wkend's adventure. will i be able to survive mt rinjani with my fitness level like that? i shrugged at the thought and just hope to have more faith and belief in myself. hahahs.
the last km was fairly easy and i cleared it.
was super happy that i was done with my phone finishing mapping my run with the RunKeeper app at 3% batt remaining. gulped down 1 can of isotonic drink (sponsored by Aquarius) b4 the phone died. i took many photos though. think i took in total of about 1hr 15 mins for the whole thing. according to the phone, its actually 6.91km. hahas. whatever.it was a good trng/ preparation / reminder of this wkend's climb.



Sunday

no surprise that my legs were a little sore. and it wasn't as bad as i expected it to be. i guess coz i wore compressions to sleep the night before, so they rested well.
didn't go church. God understands. HAHAHA.
but it was the retreat for the Worship ministry at Aloha bungalows.i went down at about 3pm. made alot of u-turns coz i couldn't find the exact spot. wanted to stay on coz it's been long since i've just spent time with them, but left at about 6.30pm for work.

work at Popeyes delivery. hariraya docket. additional $1. and i was abit lucky coz in total of the 7 orders i sent from 7-10pm, 4 was 'out of area', so there's an additional $2 to it. whahahs. so just from 7-10pm, i earned $50. shiok. and it was good because i sent like 3 orders together - save time, fuel, energy.
the pastamania guys asked me to work coz they were paying like $10.50/hr... from 10pm-2am. hahas. maybe in the past i would do that.. but thinking about tmr's long shift, hahahahs. i gave it a miss and retreat to my bed and zzzzz.


Monday

Happy hari raya folks!
nice to see families in the same colour dressings. love some of the ladies' kebaya. hoping to save up to get a peranakan one. i mean, i'm like a true-blue peranakan but i dun own 1. its not very cheap coz for the exquisite design and workmanship.

anyway, its back to my 1-yr-work-1-time contract at macs. ahhas. they are always severely down in riders during this period of time. 8.30am. worked at BDI. (bedok interchange). in the morng, estee, zh and joseph came to visit and was hoping to have breakfast with them! but the orders kept coming in and the manager didn't allow the riders to go on break. :( was quite sad.
but managed to talk to them for a few mins. quite a funny mix. coz 4 of us - 1 pilot, 1 engineer, 1 tech and 1 scrap metal lady. HAHAHHA. needa catch up with them soon. was so busy that we didn't even manage to take a group photo! hmph!

by 4pm, i was super tired. i think coz my back seat was slightly higher, so while riding, it causes the big heavy bag to push me forward, and while resisting the pressure by straightening my arms and back, my shoulders took on the load. i was thinking... 5 more hours to go. how sia.
as usual, met some of the nicest and nastiest customers.
at one place, i noted there's no lift. so its like manually climb up 3 storeys. it was in the evening and i was almost delirious that i was talking to myself out loud like "hur, must i really climb the stairs??"
hahahs.
when i opened the door, it was this really nice man who gave me and additional $2 tip on top of this order + keep the change. so it was about $3. hahas. that's like 1 delivery. so ok. can. hahahas.
was really a morale booster. so guys, pls tip ur delivery riders. u dont know what kind of impact u are giving. ahhas.

by 8pm. i was focusing on 9pm.
totally feeling the weight of the bike. first time delivering a full shift with my super4. never felt that it was economically sound, but wasn't that bad coz for these 2 days, only used about half a tank. $10? at this rate, my spark would be drained.. (about $7 full tank then).
and at the small roads, it was really leg powerrrr for the u-turns that i had to make. wasn't easy. needed more confidence. and since it's also the beginning of the 7th month, the roads at bedok camp / kew dr and all weren't too friendly comforting.

and 9pm came.
collected $57 in cash for the dockets. i think i sent about 23 orders. i guess it'd be more at popeyes since mac only allowed 2 orders max per trip or if not, stick strictly to 1.
so in total, for the 1.5 days, i've earned about $160. :D.
so that settles for all the airfares for my trip to Lombok & Bali in Indonesia.



thank God

u know for these few wks i was very apprehensive. i've been trying to think of ways to make my 大姨妈 come. no,  dont let ur thoughts run wild. ahhahahhaas. coz by calender, it suppose to come right during my trip when i'll be climbing and going to waterfalls and hot springs. u know how inconvenient it can be right. i dont want to go to the extend of getting medicines to alter the cycle.. but i realized there's also no medicine to make it come asap, only to delay it. i was quite desperate, so i bought a bottle of Vitamin Cs last week to consume it dilligently coz google says VitC helps. hahahahs.
even spoke to uncle Kok chi, our 'church doc' to see if i'm desperate enough to get medicines. but i still didn't want to resort to that.
so whole time this week, i think i was abit apprehensive about this. and as what they say, stressing will only delay it. hahahs. so it became quite mentally challenging to some extent that i actually said a prayer about it. like seriously.
and then... IT CAMEEEEE today. ahhahahs. can't ask for a better time. if its ytd, i'd be complaining even more.. plus the riding and all. and if any later than today, sure kena on the day of the climb. my back is aching now, but i dont mind. ache all it want while i can. hahahhas.

i sound likka bimbo by publically announcing it here, but heck it, coz it feels like the load is off. :D
hahahs. there are alternatives like tampons or like menstrual cup as suggested by this cool girl online who's into adventures. (click for her link) hahas. but i think i'm still the more conservative side. hahas. wts.
anyways, love her photos. definitely taken by an slr. 16-35mm at least.
thinking if i should bring up my big cam just for the night shots, but idk if i've got the energy to lugg it up.


i guess i've unconsciously under estimated the volcano. i thought like Mt K was already quite challenging at the summit climb due to the relentlessly wind chills and all; and since it was the tallest mountain in SEA, i should do fine for the rest right.. but all my friends who did mt rinjani & mt k said that this is gg to be much tougher especially at the summit.  coz of the loose sand, u climb up 1, u roll back 2. oh boy. and though its shorter in distance, its much steeper.

well, on the good note, i guess i dont have to be battling all the AMS (acute mountain syndrome) due to the altitude. i rmbr the ironic weird throbbing very centralized headache while my friend was puking for no reason.


kinda excited. this week is gg to pass toooo fast.
needa pack properly, both my office and the bag.

last fri while waiting in the office. well, ITS THE LAST WEEK while i'm here.

How do we land?

(photo from Tumblr) The landing gear. 

One of the most impt part of the plane. I mean like, so what if we can takeoff but can't land. 

3 crashes in a week is indeed hard to swallow for the Aviation industry. This is probably the saddest of years, not just for the industry, but for the world. When people don't make that effort to pay that extra effort and be abit more cautious and detailed, we allow that kind of gaps and then human errors set in. Near misses are probably just reasons for us to credit 'luck', but it's the most irreversible of changes that are the most painful. We can look back and regret, but more imptly, let's all rmbr these hard lessons to fuel our motivation and drive to do a better job in keeping air travel safer. We don't need such reminders to work hard, work smart and work safe.

ytd, I signed the bond.
quite funny coz i didn't know that the sureties for the bond-signing had to be present, thought only those 21 and below needed them to be present. heing that my 2 sureties are my current colleagues, who had a meeting 1 level up. so i just had to call them to come down. my mum and sis couldn't qualify coz 1 is over-aged and the other is not having a stable employment at the moment. almost thought of asking you but it was irrelevant. one of my surety joked that if i do runaway, can he pay the bond back in installments. ahhas. jokes. 5 figure sum yow.

so i guess the runway for the next 3 yrs is more less fixed.
this is quite impt to me and i hope i make the best out of these years. may i not get distracted and stay focused.

they asked a qns during the interview the other time round, "b1 or b2?" (mechanical or avionics)
i've always wanted to be B1 trained; not because i think its more important, but i find myself reading more about the structures and like how physical things can be tangibly fixed. i think its quite satisfying to see something broken getting fixed because of your time, effort and expertise.

however, i rmbr hesitating before answering the qns. didn't expect that, but that's probably the kind of effect you've had on me; unfocused, distracted and almost confused; willing to give up things things that are important to me when in the process, they can cause me to loose my focus.
i still rmbr how i enjoyed watching you work, and would subconsciously secretly write down your schedule on my little hydraulic-stained notebook for the day so i could find ways to learn more from you. it was a bit of a challenge coz at the same time, i wanted to make full use of my time while learning from a B1 engineer/technician. i mean, u were very helpful also because u were the rare few engineers who was willing to spend time explaining things to someone who's got like super basic levels for the understanding of flights. ur ability to make complicating systems seem so straight forward was really amazing. and even though u've been going through similar routine processes of daily checks, u still do them diligently w/o compromising on the checklist. i guess that's how people should be; always wanting to give, share, improve; hopefully to effect a positive change to things. haha, perhaps u should consider lecturing though it would mean 1 less good engineer. part-time perhaps? hahahs. anyway always appreciated u, and thank you for giving me hope.

of course at the end of the day, i have to rmbr that my interest still lies in the mechanical aspects and that i was just interested and almost enjoying the process i could be clear with the Avionics stuff because of you. from young, it always took me abit more time to understand electrical systems. i rmbr in physics class, i hated the topic about electricity and calculating the ohms and currents. its actually quite straight forward with the diagrams, but i just didnt like it. even with the correct formulas and information that i know, i just couldn't be confident with my answers in the exam, always having to painstakingly spend extra time to go through the whole thought process to check the answers again. even though i'm relatively good in numbers, wires and numbers dont seem to be a good combination for me.
generally, i take more time than an average educated person to grasp concepts as i always want to go to the depths of it coz that's when i can fully understanding. also, i'm really a hands on person because i only get it when i spend time doing it.; visually seeing and hearing wont be that impactful for me to learn. but just for consolation, at least once i grasp things, i do well coz i always strive to make the best out of it.


in the end, the answer was still B1, with subtle confidence.
haha. i thought it was just an expression of interest which wouldn't have any impact on anything until i saw the bond with all the subjects in it. haha! so thankfully, i'm glad they took that seriously and primarily, training days won't be that painful while secondarily, i can grow more in this function with my passion. haha, and i guess since my dad spent his whole life as a mechanical technician, perhaps i have the blood to understand this things clearer. he was really a talented mechanical guy who totally sucked when using the computer. i mean it was to a degree that i needed to teach him how to reach the "it is safe to turn off your computer" when i was 10 yrs old.

perhaps the entrepreneurial spirit within me is from him. always wanting to fix and invent thing, always wanting to improve. from young, while other kids played with plastic hammers and colourful plastic 'wood', my dad was teaching me how to knock a nail straight into the wood just outside the house at the steps. more often then not, i would hit his fingers while he held my hand to make the nail straight. of course like any human, he felt the pain and would shriek out in pain since i was superly (and probably overly) excited about hitting a nail with the heavy hammer. ahhahahahs. i still rmbr how he would say like "u trying to kill ur father ah". and i would say "ur fingers so fat... can't see the nail". hahahahas.
and yes, all my primary sch science electrical projects where done by him, and they are often the best in class. i mean like, who's circuit board would be made of actual wood with nails fixing the components being secured by highspeed aviation tape? ahhahahhas.



sorry that i gotta keep posting repetitive photos. wished that i had more photos but camera stuff weren't very affordable then.

taken at the steps where inventors and aircraft mechanics were born. ahhahahahahs

taken with my most favorite play partner during a visit to australia. mother poon says that i always loved using my spoon to violently hit things around me.

on his birthday, always wanting to blow his candles, cut the cake and play with the paper umbrella.

climbing to my sis' dressing table (via the bed beside, and to the open drawer) which would shock mother poon since its quite an elevated distance to the ground.

because drinking milk from the bottle was too slow.

and at changi airport T1, picking him up from work and always going to swensens.

definitely, i will always miss you and feel sad coz we can't be doing the same thing together, now that i'm dealing with the real deal and would be asking u more intelligent/relevant questions about things u're always passionate about. hope that i'm able to carry ur bright spirit where i go and be proud for you. may ur colleagues be proud of u as well as how i know u'd be proud of me. 

counting down

and i think its a good time that i reflect upon myself.

clearing up my stuff and going through old records

reading through my pasts, the ups and downs.

making preparation for what's ahead

looking back and moving on

from all the lessons learnt

what's my direction

where was i going,

what have i done,

for these 2yrs

nothing

much

worth

remembering.

time to make a change.

fckstrating #2

if only by cc-ing the GM's email then action can be taken, what's the point of this whole shit.
i'm hoping to attribute all these angsty shit today and for the week, solely to the innocent biomechanical resultants of pms.

hate this life because the whole world tells me "everywhere is the same".

because we've made it so, and we're reluctant to put in effort, and we're reluctant to make a change, let's all put our hands in the air and trust that "everywhere is the same", undeniably true and irreversible.

so, why i am working?

for money?

for a better life?

to pass time?


what.is.the.freaking.point.


i dont event feel like opening my mouth to speak anything coz its just going to be wasted.


its been quite bad that in my emails,that i have to add in (unnecessary) comments like "if it is unnecessary, then its ok". - means dont have to do it, though it would be good to do.
i initially typed "if it is unnecessary, then forget it". then the whole negative air pricked me and i back-spaced to sound more courteous though very much frustrated behind the screen.

and the best part, there's this front that everyone is working hard to achieve something.
KPI perhaps? but its just manipulated figures to meet the paper's expectations. it doesn't represent nor become anything to improve anyone's quality of life or having that bit of increased productivity.

perhaps the GM could have another email account that he secretly doesn't have to read. just for ppl to put in the the CC list just to 'borrow power' and enforce some authority so that things can be moving.

and honestly, its not about being busy. everyone has got 24hrs. same.
ok, workload varies, but i guess with great power comes with great responsibility?
and if u can't cope, means u probably should be elsewhere.

and really, perhaps u dont even need any Business Development team. how are u going to develop ur business when the current business alrdy pose so many gaps for complaints improvements.

and and, the best part, it's not that there are no solutions. there are probably ways to do simple pilot tests or studies to at least make the probable solutions a reality and minimize long-term risks; but well, since by not doing is saving in itself, lets all (again) throw our hands in the air like we just dont care.
hence, lets not even have businesses.


and so they say, when there's no love, there's hate; just like how its cold w/o warmth and how its dark w/o light.
are we then, all born full of 'hatred', 'cold', 'dark', since we all need some additional.... energies to make this world a more positive place to live in. i mean, what if everyone and everything is just the same. ground level.
no comparisons, no highs, no lows and all in equilibrium.
how does 'love' becomes tangible then?
this is just FOS. .fullofshit.
i dont believe in love anymore.
haha, i dont see where this is going anyway.

hate myself in this state and perhaps, this is my actual character traits. hateful, cold and dark.
far and away from God. u wont understand anyway and hence, there's really no more room for anything.

at this rate, i just want to abandon everything and go live in the mountains, away from civilization and the world. i'd be better off harvesting rice and veg for the day's meal.

i seriously hope to end this phase on a nice note and not like that.
lower monthly pay, but still survival and no one should ever condemn my job by saying it's a lowly-job.



cant.wait.for.july.to.end.


the only gooood thing to look forward to is that i'm going to climb a volcano in less than 2 wks time!
can't go Vietnam alrdy since its too last min and unfamiliar. so, i'm going to trek Mt. Rinjani in Lombok, Indonesia. 5 days. could be longer but he couldn't take leave. not so adventurous/ no time to plan a trek on our own, so we're gg under Equatorial Adventures. i think i've worked with them before but i can't rmbr off hand where/what/who.

need this kind of getaway.

if i'm a guy, it would be good coz mother poon will allow me to go alone and forget about the world.
next time when i'm older, perhaps i can do a motorcycle adventure around the world. just me and my bike with lots of locks and chains (physical items, so that my bike wont go missing.)
haha.
ok, thank you blogger for making me feel better now.

the missing file

life is like a missing file.

once it is missing, it is missing.

what you can do is to move on, and forget about it.

Clarity

"It's actually clear"
We are just two seperate entities
That don't understand each other

If it takes too much effort,
Perhaps some friends are just not worth keeping

Kinda tired of this life.
Don't you think so?

Lost Stars

Lost Stars - Adam Levine



[Verse 1]
Please don't see just a boy caught up in dreams and fantasies
Please see me reaching out for someone I can see
Take my hand let's see where we wake up tomorrow
Best laid plans sometimes it's just a one night stand
I'd be damned Cupid's demanding back his arrow
So let's get drunk on our tears and

[Chorus]
God, tell us the reason youth is wasted on the young
It's hunting season and the lambs are on the run
Searching for meaning
But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

[Verse 2]
Who are we? Just a spec of dust within the galaxy
Woe is me if we're not careful turns into reality
Don't you dare let all these memories bring you sorrow
Yesterday I saw a lion kiss a deer
Turn the page maybe we'll find a brand new ending
Where we're dancing in our tears and

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
I thought I saw you out there crying
I thought I heard you call my name
I thought I heard you out there crying
Just the same

[Chorus]

[Outro]
But are we all lost stars, trying to light up the dark?

fckstrated

its official.
i've lost a file that i've spent years consolidating information into it.

trying to sort out stuff on my com & work com into the HD, and i guess i wasn't too focused that its only today that i realized the file is missing. i dont have much administrator rights to even use the Regedit function in the com to salvage some shit. so upsetting.

i want to bang my head into the wall and go into a coma to forget that the file even exist.

Fridays shouldn't be like that.

crashed

photo from tumblr.

last night at about 11.30pm, recieved breaking news about the crash of MH17.

it really saddens me.

i think the impact of it is not just from the crash alone but from the fact that it's a Malaysian Airlines plane who suffered a missing MH370 within this year March. 

perhaps this is all a big conspiracy. what are the odds. i mean there's so many other airlines out there, so many planes flying around everyday; why does it have to be a MH B777 plane.

i think what stood out from the accidents is that both planes lost contact and then with no distress call, they crashed. and i think the media is making the whole situation seem uncannily similar with the MH370 by placing subtle emphasis such similar points. 

and i think instead of focusing on putting on the blame on the actual ground-to-air shoot down accusation, why not really drive into the crux of the problem. personally, i just think the focus should again, be the part on the lost of contact. i mean, imagine i'm a soldier and an unidentified plane comes into my territory, i'll be doing my job to shoot it down.
oh well.

perhaps they are related.

perhaps both are being shot down.

1 covered up. 1 not, since wreckage is too obvious. 

just got news that SQ351 was just 25km behind MH17 upon the time of the incident. that's about 30sec away. so i guess i wanna selfishly say, thank God.
deliberate/unintentional or not, lives were lost and its just sad that this is how the way the world works.

was just thinking about some of the plane accidents that didn't have a conclusion.... one stood out in my mind was the flight 585 rudder probs. they didn't have a conclusion until another similar accident happened again about 4 yrs later.its only then that the figured out about the B737's rudder issue, some PCU servo fault. 

on a side note... I CAN'T FIND MY FILEEEE.

been clearing up my work com. and there's an impt excel file with my life's work in it. 

i'm really afraid that i might have deleted it off. and since my com isnt very fast, i've been diligently emptying the recycle bin. 

ugh. 

this is really feeling-helpless-ttm.

The Lone Moon

Stars-covering clouds drift as night fell

Uprising turmoils never seemed to quell

The lone moon could not find her light

As her source kept blatantly falling out of sight

Temperature falling everything stale

Nothing seemed to be of its will

Deafening silence is all she hears

Nothing seemed to be crystal clear

Drifting in and out and up and down

All she hopes is to never drown

Faithful stars she fails to find

And darkness soon engulfs her mind

Wrapped in clouds to fend the cold

Deep inside she has lost her soul

Hoping to find solice in such embrace

Not knowing if she is in her rightful place

Struggling hard she tries to free

Nothing else could make her see

Missing the warmth that keeps her safe

For how long can she remain this brave

Seconds minutes hours went by

By and by Hope seems to die

Waiting seems to be the only option

Running seems to be just a faction

The lone moon could not find her light
Perhaps this is just not her fight
Despair and abandoned in the dust
Not sure if there will be another dusk

The Business Arena

AHHAS. just sorting out my harddrive and saw this vid. 

CCN Day (Campus Care Network day) 18 May 2007 @ TP. 

The school has little events like such by the students/lecturers to raise funds for the school's charity.

Logistics Operations Management (Propo) vs Marketing (Oppo) students on the notion if 

"Singapore is ready to embrace homosexuality"

2007 was like 7 yrs ago. i dont think i was even 18 yet.
dont like my squeaky-and-gets-higher-pitched-when-i'm-nervous voice and ugly-not-cool short hair.
was in yr 2 was my first debate from what i recall. kena forced and arrowed by my course mates and lecturer to represent the cohort coz i guess they think i'm challenging-ly witty to a certain extent then since i was always about making changes and improvements to policies and procedures. i'm never good in speaking properly in good english in front of crowds though. not especially when i have to speak in proper sentence structure. ahhas. guess those BMW days (Book & Music Week) while i was in a speakgoodenglish convent sch like KC were beneficial. 

ok, this is really just 'for the fun of it'; not discrediting poly students, but poly students are not very into the formal language kinda thing. so pardon for the 'lvl of debate' as compared to other debates.

i think the only very encouraging thing back then was when D. David (yes, host of channel 5's famous Pyramid Game eons ago) was the course manager of comms, commented that i was a strong speaker. hahas. totally didnt expect that coz i stumbled so many times and (if you couldn't tell), i even got lost in my script for a moment. ahhahs. well, my partner was the one who did most of the job. ok, to be honest, about 50% of the content of my script was done by him. hhahahs.

he's my mktg junior and we only knew each other just for this event. if i rmbr correctly, he's like debate-trained during his days as an ac barker boy. so he taught me some key words & phrases to use when trying to prove a point.

we only had 3 mins before the bell came. i think it'll be good if more time was given so we can like rebut. but there wasn't anything concrete to rebut anyway, since (i still believe thhat) the propo was off the notion.

good thing i like taking photos not just for the beauty of things but also for documentation purposes.

 

ahhas. what a mess but that's how my study notes look too.

i think debates in informal language such as singlish would be better/more comfortable coz it'll be so much easier to prove a point. hahas. let's not go into proper language-trng pls.

but yea. funny amateur vid for the week.

just to you

good morng. i actually didn't want to type it all here but i've got lotsa things to say just to you.
i guess this is going to swing to the unpleasant side (again).

that's the horrible thing about me; my response seems to be always towards the adverse side in opposition no matter the outcome. these few months hadn't been easy, words crafted for you from my heart's like the carbon dioxide gas bubbles in the bottle, always trying to explode but with a cap to it.
refrained. confined. confused.
i have really tried my best to at least, save this channel by not writing/posting things about u here; but at the end of the day, this is still a blog, my place of refuge for the aching heart. been trying, but just let me do it one more time here.

when you msged me, i was of course, elated.
glad that you're reading the debris of my heart.
sad that u're also reading the debris of my heart.
however, i regretted it all again coz i dont think i will understand what i'm gg to be putting the both of us through yet again. actually, i dont think things should be that complicated. however, i guess we mean so much to each other that its officially becoming so difficult to find that thin line to walk on together. really hate myself for this to a point of blatant disgust. :(


ok. why i've locked my instagram/twitter - honestly at the beginning, u were the big fraction of the reason. however, as i move along, because i just want to share nice pics of the aviation scene in sg, i just had to privatize it just in case the photos land up in the wrong eyes of the legislation. its really not me to be locking up stuff that in the first place i've put up to share, but i guess at this point, i have to? i never really want to abuse social media spaces as channels for indirect msgs to anyone coz i always believe that if one wants to say anything to someone, it's only right to do it right in the face and directly coz it makes more sense that way.

i rlly dk what to do and where i can go from here.
all i can say is that i am sorry.
perhaps may the grace and love of God fall upon this relationship. i need this. need this so so badly.
idk if its legit for me to ask for more time as a self-healing medication coz idk what is it that i'm waiting for since both of us have differing ideologies that are yet so similar. besides, how much more time do i need? how much time do we require? i dont want you to be waiting for me while i dont want to be waiting for you by believing that things till change when it will not, unless our values take on major shifts.
and like all tetonic shifts, earthquakes do surface and cause the unwanted massive destruction. is this inevitable?

do we really love each other since love should be able to overcome many things and since it's supposedly to be 'blind'? or are we trying to keep our eyes open too much? are we being selfish?
or am i really confused between a platonic vs a romantic relationship with a guy?
what am i really saying here?

perhaps i should just cold turkey this whole episode.
stop going to places that i shouldnt go.
stop wasting time on doing things that shouldnt matter.
but i'm abit afraid to be walking a past route to be resorting to thing that would hurt myself.
really, at this age, realllly?
can i live without you?
can i live with you?
visually, i just feel like taking out my heart crushing it with many G forces to a point of irreversible state and then throw it into the rubbish chute.or perhaps, crush the brain of mine so it'll let my heart go free.


howwww?
i just dont know how to deal with this.
it is supposed to be clear. but it is taking far too long to register that.

wander

been wandering...
and dun feel like gg home since team trngs have lessened.



after work, been walking around the airport..
last wed, went to see children playing at the playground. found a wallet with lotsa cards and money in it.. and i freaking rode all the way to the door step to deliver it.
but ok la, the lady stays in bedok south, so its kinda otw.
felt good to do a good deed but glad that the lady didn't have to go through the painstaking process of cancelling all her cards and making her i/c, driving license and so on.

on fri, the rain was sooo big that i couldnt ride home.
stepping out of my office at the airside, i saw the rain and it got pretty scary with all the lightning. and as the sun was setting, it got darker.
on the way out, the rain got even bigger and there were lightnings at almost every 30 sec. got abit apprehensive for idkwhat reason, but i decided to stay put and watch a plane while sitting beside a parked baggage cart. passengers were still getting in though ground ops were halted due to the tremendous amt of lightning.
while the lightnings were still on going, i saw an engineer doing his walkaround. felt pretty worried for him in that kind of weather.
still very amazed that planes can still take off and land in such a weather.

while it was still raining, i went to watch the kinetic rain (the irony). hahahas.
during lunch time, i walked pass while it was showing the pattern of a plane. so i decided to wait for that pattern again. hahahs.

nice uh. quite therapeutic esp when its really raining with the roaring thunder outside. hahas.

and so, 1 cycle takes bout 15mins. hahahahas.

and this pattern seem to appear at every 15th min of the hour. i must be too free alrdy. hahas.

this wkend went pretty chill.
didn't go for the morng touch session.
went to church for sunday's prac.
met jerome in church and decided to wash our bikes tgt. hahas.
b4 that, we went to get bike decals and after which, went to his place to wash our bikes and stick on our decals. hahas. shiok to see my bike so shiny again. but white colour is really hard to maintain man.
then we went to csc for dinner with rose...

hahas. it was a night where we all felt tired but just didnt feel like going home. so we road around... and i suggested gg to pasir ris park to see fireflies coz i've always wanted to do that. went there, and we chilled out at this bistro-ish looking place since it was a beautiful moonlit night. been long since i've been there and so much changes.

hahas after that we embarked on our fireflies expedition which ended even before we started because it was too freakin dark and scary. we walked no more than 200m in and then retreat. HAHAH. ok, gonna take that as a failed recee trip and i dun think i'll wanna go there at that kinda timing. it was about 1am by then. hahhahahs. i guess i will try gg again before sunset. then again, fireflies come out only when its pitch dark right.  so anyway, we went to macs at downtown east to chill till about 2am b4 heading home.

sunday morng. churched. then homed. then nua.

so that's my simple chill wkend.
and, i wished at u're with me. to hold me, to walk with me, to understand me.
i really just want to tell you that i love you, to share my ups and downs but i know i cant. these 3 words,seems too much a weight for me to carry, but i can't seem to get used to loosing you like that. i need you. i really dont know what can i do to keep this friendship gg. miss the times spent with up, but i guess all i can do is to let you go.


i'm still looking for ppl who's free/can take leave to go trekking with me. :(



world cup finals later at 3am. still thinking if i should watch it. since its 4 yrs once, why not right, thoug i dun think there's any value add to my life in this. hahas.

happy birthday nostalgic daddy!

gosh. he'd be 72 yrs old today.
that's quite alot of years to go through huh.
guess it'll be a good wk for you when if i told you my new job placement. hahas. can totally imagine u bragging to all ur colleagues about ur daughter on the job :D but then again, at this age, u'd be long retireddd alrdy. yup. so that's the news for now.


really miss him alot.
1 man less to love and be loved.


TGIF.
so tired at work today. the ppl at loyang are busy with their movement.
and guess who i met up for a meal during the wk!

bad lighting but who cares! here's to one of my fav shifu in the field.
:D
while he was sending me back to my office in the van, nostalgic man. i still rmbr how i used to hang my water bottle in the vehicle, cold rainy days with nice radio music and so on. hahahas.
always nice to catch up with him since it's gonna be another period of time before i come back to line maintenance like that. told him about my placement and he reminded me of my path then. previously, the boss of my ojt company did offer me a position as a trainee tech to collect my hours while i do my papers for LAE. perhaps this would be the best option for me now. i mean not only its gonna be faster, but chances of me getting type trngs for my fav 747s are possibly high since that's quite a big part in their market.
haha. imagine that. then again, overall it wouldn't be that great looking at the business outlook for the company now uh.




bahhh.
sooo many things to sayyyyyyy that i just wanna share. esp to you.
i think this is the thing about me; i can't shut up over things that fascinates me. and the good/bad thing is that every little thing seem to amaze/excites me that i can't wait to share it with someone. hahas. i mean like, nice clouds, nice moon, nice motorcycles, i just wanna tell someone about it.
i just need to let them out of my system and hence, this blog is still surviving for.. (omg) 11 yrs now. AHHAHA.
sometimes i do randomly click on the posts back then and it is interesting to read my thoughts/concerns then. HAHHA. #ammature. and whatever photos i post here comes via Picasa. so sometimes it feels super nostalgic to browse through the album and go through the phases in my life. hahahas. wonder if the next few chapters of my life will be as exciting as my younger days. wellwell. no one really knows what's installed uh.

and over the years, there's the spike in social media which has becoming a culture-changing thing and probably having a part to play in how people work/think/act. blogs used to be like the 'in' thing along with friendster which eventually died due to the emergence of Facebook. and there were communicative modes like ICQ, MSN...since SMSes were costly.  hahahas. asl. HAHAHS. i still rmbr my sis telling me not to mess with ppl online. hahahas. well, imagine if we sms the way we whatapp now....
"haha" [send]
"ok." [send]
"see you soon" [send]
"take care" [send]
hahahs. that's like 40c  already. HAHHAHHAS. those.were.the.days.
now there's and more streams like instagram, twitter, dunowhat chat and so on. and some how, for the different things, we use the different streams like as if it matters. i just find this quite interesting; probably a part of a relation towards sociology and how people function in a community within a culture-set.
i mean, all these saying is within Singapore context / in a county that's so technologically developed.


honestly, though i seem to be severely dependent on these social media streams to feel 'heard', i still secretly wished that life can be much simpler. like go back to the days of using snail mail (no such thing as emails), and just using the home phone, not even the pager. so, if i were to arrange to meet someone at this place at say, 5pm, both parties can't be late, can't change the time/ place. hahahas. #bobian.
i think people are more responsible/loyal/committed then.
they're i guess, more focused since there's nothing much notifications going on, no beeping or distractions of any other thing. so this frees up alot of time and space for effective thinking for things and people. this makes people more considerate i guess!, paying more attention to relationship building that leveling up in some farm. oops. hahahahs.

i think during that era, i was like in primary school. i rmbr trying to rmbr all my friends' home phone numbers, writing them in my telephone books and sticking nice stickers to it. hahahahs!
omg. i still rmbr this boy, we used to secretly like each other and then we would talk on the phone for 10 over mins. that seemed to be a long time in comparison since we're not supposed to talk over the phone for so long since it was costly anyway. hilarious.



well well. i guess i'm managing controllably fine now; that's what i tell myself.
i really hope that this inner turmoil shall come to pass soon.
really, i dont want to be in this state of needing anything or anyone to replace this almost unbearable feeling, but just to eradicate it all away totally coz it is really very, very uncomfortable.
i mean, since i was in (what i think was a serious) relationship, and then going out of it, life never seemed to be focused or on a manageable line. i think i was about 14 then. so its now its been about 1 decade later since i've felt normal about life. i can't really define nor explain what i mean by 'normal', but i just dont feel quite right. idk if this is the package for growing up, but i really wish to find that kind of peace back then before anything started. and then along the way, when you suddenly came along and it seemed that you became a big part of my life and my world just expanded up to the skies and then down to the concrete ground, and then crushing it back into a paper ball to be thrown into the bin. hahas. idk what i'm saying, but pictorially, it just feels this way for now.
i cant just keep loosing special people in my heart due to whatever reasons just like that. why can't things be managed properly?
i guess i'm a hoarder, but i really treasure all these friendships and i wouldn't want to trade it away with anything in the world.

perhaps this is what it means by having a void in your heart, a scar that can never be removed. once someone creates it, it always stays there. suddenly thought of the time while on the wing when u replaced the light bulb. technically, there are gaps that require sealant to fill up the gaps, but sometimes we just need to take off without it and hope that it survives.

so yep, hope that i'll survive this and stop feeling so uncomfortable.
aiya. there i go again.
okok. i shall stop all these whining.



lastly, nice photo in the gym just before it closes.

at the fork

i guess many of us are at the fork of the road, no matter where we are, what we are.

on a lighter note, semi finals ytd night. Brazil 1 - 7 Germany. haha. 造反 man.
This yr i didn't really follow the world cup coz the timing is quite jia lat. last time round wasn't that bad as i rmbr the games were about 12am 1am ish. this time its always 4am 6am.

was thinking if i should stay up to watch actually. not really for the love of soccer, but really, for the cheap thrill of it as i have succumbed to the trend and bought a Pick-the-score of 2-2. HAHA. $5 was the minimum bet and i would get $90 if it was really 2-2.
1am. i switched on my com, contemplating if i should blog while playing my phone game and watching tv at the same time.
2am. finally decided not to blog, shut the com down, and head to the bed. since it was just 1 hr plus more to the game, why not stay up abit more to watch right. so i continued to play phone games.
almost 3am. buay tong liao. slept.
this morng, first thing i woke up, i checked the score. hahahs. i saw the "7" and refreshed the page to make sure i was looking at the right stuff. ahhahas. indeed.


hahas.
see, it was just a simple dilemma, but it took long hur. but life's really all about the choices we make isnt it?


at this quarter-life crisis, i guess many of my peers are also being driven to the fork of the road, trying to make the best decisions out of the endless permutations and most of the time while in such a situation, we're so clouded that we do not the the big picture which is supposedly the best picture for ourselves.
its like trying to land a plane flying in the dense fog where all you could rely on is your systems. though u're too darn close to the ground, you just cant see the road and u'll have to rely on ur best piloting skills and trust that your systems are giving the most accurate information.

so really, what is the purpose of it all?

as i seek to settle in to the phase of the just-graduated-and-into-the-working-world, perhaps i'm taking a longer than normal time period as a singaporean lady. i mean, i ended my bachelor studies in 2010 and now, its 2014, here i am, still deciding on my foot hold.

perhaps this is a result of my perfectionist mindset; which allowed incurring (time/opportunity) losses along the way w/o me really acknowledging it until i'm drifting too far away from the what's-right.
well, on a better note, its not because i'm indecisive, but i just keep failing at getting what i hope to be.
all along, its been ... doctor. fireman. engineer.
its always about helping people in need. problem solving. giving back to community.
along the way, i've wanted to join the airforce; i wanted to play a vital role in singapore's defense system; i wanted to contribute more to the community under organizations that facilitates this purpose. i cant really give a good link between all that and an aircraft engineer, hahahhas, but i have impossible plansaspirations of improving whatever systems to make it more safer and productive.

Gandhi once said, "In a gentle way, you can shake the world."
i think this is a quote that can somewhat summarize what i want to be doing for rest of my life when i can.
also a good reminder to not give up on our dreams uh.kinda like this quote also coz of that sense of subtle paradox in it.

periodically, i try to start and make conscious efforts to note shifts in my thinking and actions as i'm in this transition.
i realize as i do so, i have to make conscious efforts to remind myself of my goals and dreams. perhaps it's this that make me an achievement-oriented person uh. i mean at some point of time, we just wanna #fliptable and just work for the money to put food on the table for the family. no goals. no dreams. no aspirations. coz they all dont matter right. forget about trying to enjoy working or even standing up for ur rights at work. keep life as simple and safe as its best. in singapore, because people are so driven to improve one's quality of life with monetary returns, it seems that the whole picture is being compressed and reduced to just the 'safety-belonging-esteem' / 2nd-3rd-4th tier of the pyramid; even if it means by skipping Safety as an expense in the process. and because this section seems no end, we'll never really want to reach a stage where we even dare to think of the bigger picture. i.e, to not think of ourselves but really for the good of others and the whole world.

perhaps all these seems inmyface right now coz i'm standing at the fork of the road. probably when i do get the job i want, i may start lamenting on opportunities that i've missed, again.
so really, what matters?
what kind of risks are we taking?
or are we even evaluating the right risks?


still rmbring and treasuring words you gave to me while in the car when everything was so platonic back then,

"So dont look back n regret on e decisions tt u've made in e past, because they were e best ones tt u could possibly made at that point of time. Look ahead"

miss those days badly.

yep.
i guess i can take those words as a form of comfort and confidence even if we really suck at decision making. well, even if we end up regretting, i guess the only saving grace is to thank ourselves for having that least bit of feeling regretful coz, u can only feel such a way if that something means much to you to a point that it makes you feel such a way. ahhas. omg, that long sentence make me sound like mojojojo (from the powerpuff girls).


still, my mind seems to be caught in that whirlpool; sometimes it gets scary coz i seem to feel the presence of your shadows around especially at work and. its driving me towards insanity. so, i went running on mon! was at good pace overall.
the sunset there never seem to fail me whatever the cloud conditions.
i had to take extra effort to focus on other things.
after the run, just sat by and soak up the peace and serenity of calm waters in dim darkness. heard some planes roaring in the skies, but u can't see them coz of the cloud cover. not really a good spot to catch planes anyway coz they're not too near to ground at that area.
nonethless, its always such moments that.............. i just need to pull myself back to the reality of things.
dont even start dwelling on things/people we dont deserve coz it just makes it alot more difficult.

i guess that's how they say to move on.; to not even go near those lines.

on side note, hahahahs, there's this technician who wanted to match-make me with his son. and omg, he brought like a photo of him. like seriously a photo nicely wrapped in plastic bag and all. i mean like, there's such gadgets as phone with camera right. HAHA. its quite funny coz it.is.really.like.matchmaking.in.the.olden.days.please. HAHAHAH.


on the whole, i guess this is more manageable overall.

7-1-7

Club 7s series 2 over the wkend.

we didn't do well at all and i guess its time to pull up those socks.

anyway, back to my work life, just as i'm feeling more important at work, (i can finally say) this will come to an end soon. looking forward to next month. got a call for acceptance last Thurs! 

and i hope to squeeze in a vietnam trekking trip 1 wk before my new job. any takers?

i hope i'm on the right track coz,

it is time to

move on. 

hbd to u?

Process Mapping

just had a longgggggg meeting. 9-5am. Process Mapping.
and this is just for 1 (of the 394802943092) problems.



always wanted something like that, but previously, some ppl told me that this "only happens in sch and not in the real world". was very discouraged, but i'm pretty glad that our customer/partner had decided to take such steps towards collaboration towards productivity.

Quarter-life

Happy 25th Anniversary to my company. hahas

i guess its not an easy feat but glad that the Services side has finally decided to split and grow from there.

all in all, for a company to grow in the Aviation industry is never easy due to all the legislation barriers. i guess to just hang in there for 5 yrs is a feat, not even talking about breaking even.

hahas. good thing my $25 dress came in handy to look businessy. quite funny coz everyone was just not used to seeing me so feminine (vs my usual checkered collar shirt and ugly cargo pants; half of which are kid sizes and lokpok brands. hahas). some of my customers also took a few secs to recognize me when i initiated The Coporate Handshake. ahhahahas.  but yea, never liked business events. just duno how to react comofortably to it when everything is so awkwardly formal.

all in all, glad for some of my closer colleagues. quite thankful actually. despite being in this unspoken inevitable internal battle field, friendships are still able to be fostered. 

planning the event was supposedly easy, but i guess it gets abit tricky when hierarchical factors comes into considerations. i would and could have done a better job, but anyway, glad the event is over and the event planner is good. hahas. sometimes i still dont understand adults. if fear puts a stop to progression, changes, or even to have a stand in what we believe is right, then what's the point of even having aspirations, goals and values? might as well just sit back and hope for the best if hope even exist. i think what's more... um. challenging if being indecisive is a decision in itself. henceforth, there's really no way to expedite urgent pressing matters even when the situation is already driving for an answer. 

but well well.

quarter life. just like me huh.

just last wk friday, i went for another interview. sneaked out during all the bosses meeting (i did inform some of them for protection though hahahsh! i mean since its also so near by) also, i guess the previous interview from that company's a no-more, but i'm glad that's over and i dont have to be in a position that i have to choose and decide since the outcome has decided for itself. but yea, back to that interview, its quite funny since i'm supposed to 'seem to know alot' in this field. its actually for the trainee tech luh.

i think they gave up asking me what do i think the job is all about. i mean like, since i'm already and currently a business development exec in a parallel line of business, i'm supposed to already know the jobscope and probably even more clearer than the HR right. hahahas. so instead, the whole interview shifted towards to my decision for even considering being a trainee tech when where i am now offers greater prospects and career growth as per se. pay-wise, its going to be cut by half, so i must really know wth am i doing right. i mean, yea, not just about the pay, but also in terms of the progression. i mean if u look at it, some ppl tell me its about a 5-6 'level' drop. i'm still thinking coz i'm still young, i'd rather make that change now, rather than having more committment probs as we live longer.

and so, i went climbing last wk too. :D
felt great and i achieved a 5C+ wall. hahahhas. i think.
but ok, thinking of doing this more regularly! helps to train upper body instead of doing the boring gym stuff. 

great to see stanely again... after.. 6 YEARS. we last met / climbed together at Mount k together with my adventure gang. awesome climber.

ok. and so. ytd, went 四马路 to buy some chinese dry goods and ate $10 per bowl bird nest. hahas. she freakin look #likkaboss here. Mother of all birdnests. likka  溏心風暴 drama.

sis dugged out some old photos from her drawer. HAHAH. i think my dad is very handsome.