what's worth?

nothing happening throughout the week.
maybe its all good this way.

and so, i think i pulled my piriformis muscle on monday during touch trng. its quite a tricky one coz its fine when u're walking or jogging lightly.. but when u start to have a burst of speed, the pain comes to take you down. short, sharp and sudden.
on tues' contact trng, was just fitness since most of the national girls are in Hk for the HK7s! i wanna fly there to watch the match one day mannn. anyways, didn't do the fitness coz i just couldn't.
thurs didn't go for trng.
so yup. that's proolly my week.
today's the usual saturday games at turf city. Womens. Mixed. then referee-ed.
my right knee's been hurting for about a month alrdy. idk if its a tight pull of the ITB, but my MCL's starting to hurt again. esp when i ride my bike with my knee in a bent-position, the pain comes when straightening it after being in that position for quite sometime. i hope my meniscus is fine. i guess i should be seeing the physio soon if i can't get the pain to go away.

hahas. this wk had so many car accidents around. just last fri, a taxi was in flames just outside the junction of my office. and on the same day otw to the airport, 2 cars had a serious accident where i think the car actually spun around given the position of the car after the accident.

and just last week, at that same junction outside my office, there was a motorcycle accident with a delivery lorry. there was a lady on the ground (whom i think its the pillion) while the rider & driver was talking to the tp. since that were a jam, i came in to work later that usual and it got some of my collegues very worried coz they thought it was me. one of my colleagues told me she ran out of the office to verify who was it and while telling me how worried she was & happy to see me in the office, she was almost tearing. and for that, it really melted my heart. felt so much warmth, love, and just felt comforting being cared for like that. 

but yup, i thank God i'm safe... so far. haha. pray that i'd continue to be safe. but honestly, since i've got my new bike, i'm riding alot safer now. sometimes i think i ride like as if i'm a car. 

haha, i guess a good sign.  i dun cut cars so often now. and sometimes, if i'm feeling abit more frugal, i try and travel less than 100km/h coz it's more fuel-saving at 90 km/h before the 4 valve system opens and the vroom vroom kicks in. still considering if i should continue on with my delivery jobs on high peak hols period. doesn't make sense now!

so yup....


...had lotsa gaps to think about things. and before i let my mind slip into the abyss of uncontrolled self-inflicted sadness, i pay more attention to the little things around me and question their existance. idk how to explain this, but i'm back at questioning the existence of a reason or rationale to things that exist. and in such a mode, i'm find myself confining my whole being into my world of whys and hows; usually with no proper answer. ok, idk what i'm saying now actually.


ok, wait, i find myself super stupid to only recently realize that my bike has got 6 gears. ahahhas. coz i realize after kicking up the gear a few times, i can still kick up some more. ahhahas! so i tried to count and yup - 6 gears! that's quite alot considering my spark had got 3 and now that my neutral gear is in between my 1 & 2. too much gears. but i'm feeling my bike alot more now. more comfortable with the turns though at tight turns when my arms are fully extended on the far side, i get abit manageably paranoid. haha. oh yea, while parking at my home carpark, i accidently hit a X-1R that was behind me since it was a down sloping road. hahhahas. felt damn bad but HEING, no one was looking. i think partically coz the x-1r was on side stand also. i was abit worried coz i was afraid if i couldn't lift the bike up and push it back uphill and make it look flawless.... but i was surprised that I.DID.IT! hahhhhas. i guess my heavy super4 has trained me well. previously in my early early days of riding, i couldn't push my Spark up when it fell when parked while forgetting to put my side stand down. maybe the x-1r is a much lighter bike also, w/o the box and thicker tyres.





back to life, the 1 big thing on my mind is my career route and it should keep my mind very busy for now. being unwillingly forced to give up yet another dream is just painful, but i guess i'd have to deal with it. with that door closed, i'm forced to open up all the windows around me.
ok, recently, got recommended to go to another co. as a project manager, with focus on a/c interiors. the job requires me to fly alot and out of my home for about 2-3 months depending on the duration of the project which usually involves C or D checks. and guess what, not including allowances, the pay's about at least $10k. that's shitload of money for a month. that's like..... about 5,000 mac deliveries on a sunday morning. HOWEVER, because i'm still very inexperienced to give advise on the technical repairs, quality systems and the mandatory painstaking aviation paper work, i'm not yet qualified for the job.
hence, he spoke to me and suggested that i stay wherever i am now, get the experience since i'm moving into the operational side soon, and then learn from there and make the grass seem greener on the other side, and move on from there. he's looking at about 1.5-2yrs more.

indirectly and unknowingly supporting this decision, is the xx who offered me an option of using a part-time degree to bond me with the company. he was just providing  me with options with good intentions, but idk if i can really last that long.

i guess the whole difficult thing about this dilemma  is that i really enjoy working in my company with great colleagues, good prospects, and with good opportunity grounds to gain experience.... it just that the nature of the job that i'm struggling with. though i seem to be able to perform well, i think there's alot of things i'm lacking in and one major thing is loving my job. actually, its not THAT of an office job considering that i'm out of the office everyday, meeting ppl and gg up aircrafts. the thing that bothers me is that, i'm just not contributing to the end job itself, i.e, fixing the repairs and stuff like that.


idk.

and meanwhile, i'm in the midst of the application for the WSO position in the airforce...
but looking at the height requirements (though some say it doesn't matter), i'm about 10 cm away.
my compass test which currently qualifies me for both WSO and UAV office is expiring on the 6 april, and looking at the progress of things, i'm gonna be re-taking it soon and the results may probably be different now since previously, the test was taken 2 yrs back.
so yep. let's just see how it goes.
but the bond is..... 10 yrs.
yup. do i really wanna distant myself that much from the commercial airplanes? ultimately, this path is more promising should i go into aviation research and development which is one of my secret but idonthinkican ambition. since i think its far fetched and unrealistic looking at the paper qualifications i've got, its a dream that i dare not pursue. but joining the force will provide me such a platform towards this. whats more, i'm gonna be learning to fly! but really la. before i get myself excited and focused, i must rmbr that my height is really and issue and i'm pretty sad about it.
its always the height issue

hahas. if all else fails, abandon the whole industry. join the police force since they called me up for an interview in which i rejected it 2 yrs ago. not so much about the bad guys part, but maybe like traffic police / investigation officer or smth like that. HAHAHS. whatever.
i dont know what i want anymore.
i dont always get what i want anyway.




yep. so that's about my week.
lotsa thoughts.
had opportunities to go out with friends for dinners, but i somehow chose to go home and accompany mother poon. idk what's my intention of withdrawing from my friends now that rare opportunities for a social life finally come by, but i find myself withdrawing alot from idk what.
probably its the fear.
starting to be fearful of commitments? idk.
veering into exclusion with just mother poon and i does seem likka more valuable offer. one thing is, though we can quarrel alot,  i know she can't leave me, likewise. no matter how angry she can be with me, she'll never stop loving me. that's probably that only 1 assurance of love from a human being remaining on this planet. ok luh, same goes to my sister too.
if daddy poon was around, life with more even better. ok, dont want to go into wishing for things that will never come true.




nowadays, i'm feeling alot likka introvert now, but i'm fine with it.
funny how i can really laugh alot and smile alot on the outside, but the inside isn't really smiling as much. i dont think its a case of being a hypocrite, but the joy is probably a subconscious forced solution to mask or, run away from the deep dark black port holes that exists within. not everyone is w/o sadness, but i have to rmbr that its how we choose to face it.
but its fine like that anyways. i dont that i wanna be happy if i can't deal with the sadness that comes with it.
its just feels safer, and i need to feel this way.




recently, i read an article it seems likka legit explanation/ solution to our situation. i probably dont agree everything in the article, but perhaps this will be it; "Because you really don’t have any other options. You just hope that the two of you find others to love so you can think about each other less and so you don’t have to worry about her happiness anymore..... Some people will love each other until the day they die, spending the majority of their lives apart." 




yea, thought so too.
move on.



there's nothing left that's worth anymore.

Hmmmm

Ok

heart strings

y does it seem like the right things are always the hardest of things?



recently, read an article about the tendons of the heart, aka the heart strings. the article mentioned something about y our heartaches when we're really sad. as in, literal aches and not just a figure of speech. i vividly rmbr some clear occasions where my heart really ached. one was my dad's passing, another was being maglined for something which i did not do, and another one was a guy breaking my heart.

in those occasions i did rmbr my heart feeling a really bad cringing feeling. the article went on to explain that emotional trauma/stresses causes these heart strings to get taut due to the biological hormones that's affecting the whole system. i can't rmbr the explanation though. but now i know, my heartaches aren't just illusional or just an emotional thought out by the brain, but really a biological change that is happening. its not too good coz extremities of such can cause the stoppage of the heart in super severe but rare cases. but yup, why i'm saying all this is to provide me with strong and rational reason to serve as reminders to not be sad. i dun think we can really control our emotions like an on/off switch, but i think its good to remember to manage it well.


anyway, let's start being more focused and objective about things. yea, there's so many things we wanna do together, so many places i wanna go with you, but i have to remind myself that i do not deserve all these for i dont have what it takes to hold on to you like that.

do not lift up anything u can't put down.

just because we feel good, doesn't mean it's good, does it?
anyway, i finally feel that blogging on and on about this is not going anywhere or going to do any good; not that i've got a direction in the first place though. i just need to move on and stop sinking in. wake up my idea.






on to more practical things about my career route, instead of walking into the wall and being stubborn about things, i need to also be clear if choosing this route is its really where i wanna go / what i wanna do and not because i've given up on all other alternatives.
this whole new route can probably serve as an outlet for escapism, but i hope i dont abuse this choice.


continue to pray and trust in God. there's really no one  u can trust but only Him, so what's stopping me.


wake up your idea, sportspoon.
enough of your nonsense now.

SG City Race

today was the Singapore City Race.
we took part in the mid distance one, an estimated 25km.
its a race with no route, just gotta go through 5 check points that were given this morning, and then navigate ur way through.

in total, we jog/walked about 29km. i enjoyed it because its places that i'll never go and let alone, walk through them on foot though they're probably dead as of now.
started off at marina barrage... ok.. let the photos do the talking.

8am at marina barrage. good weather.

planning the journey.

Singapore's pretty skyline. not everyday that u're gonna be there at that kind of timing.

1st check point at the Buddha Tooth Relic at Sago Lane there.

the long walk to 2nd check point at labrador nature reserve. finally. 

another long stretch to the 3rd check point at Shaw, lvl 4. the long walk from labrador. 

cutting through town in malls w/o a map coz we're at eveleen's territory. ahahhas. shopping is her forte.

4th check point at Sri Thendayuthapni Temple, some where near River Valley.

5th and final check point b4 heading back to base at Masjid Sultan Mosque... somewhere near north bridge. made a few friends. i think its interesting that though we have diff routes, we still meet some of the other teams at every check points. 

finally heading back!

hahas. found a boy who hurt himself while skateboarding. an opportunity for me to live my paramedic dream for a moment. ahhahas. 

even the sun's hot, thing's are still pretty. heard that the evening sundown is the moment to be in this place coz its magical. my first time. and i didn't know its open to public like FOC kind! shall ride there one day to do an evening run one day if possible. 

finally done, and before the cut off. ahhahas. 

good job team. whahahs.

so yup, managed to ride home safely with my super tight hamstrings. we walked 80% of the journey coz we wanna take it slow and just enjoy the route. but i think perhaps too slow coz it becomes abit heavy after while and jogging seemed to be a less tiring option. 

but anyohhow, i enjoyed myself. 

ytd, long day. had Womens game, watched the Mens, then played in the Mixed and then reffed the Mens C game... and and.. Hide played with us! we're down on numbers and TFS allowed him to play coz our team's not full anyway. 

such an honour. he's Japan's #1 Touch player ok! his vision, his ball skills, agility.. all really... phwas!!

that's not the main reason. the really charming thing about him is that he's really humble and encouraging. During the team talk during half-time and after the game, he was just able say things to make us feel so motivated. ok, maybe coz he's really an awesome player. during the game, he really creates the space and just work on using the girls to score and sort of guide us in a way. too cool man.

wanted to take a photo with him but gotta rush off to ref. too shy anyways. hahahahs.

anyway, thank God for such an opportunity coz i've really been quite down lately towards both rugby and touch. hope that this experience is able to push me out of my dark zone. 

Some event photos from fb... ahhahhas...


this one fake one. as in the instruments. hahahah

flight level

finally its the wkendddd.

things been picking up in the office with the new GM. 

looks like i'm rlly gonna be moving more into line main ops now. been great working with uncle j in the hmd ops. through the ops, learnt alot and met alot of people. nothings confirm yet, hope things dont get confirm anyway.

today took a half day leave to go for the medical test. 8am and ended at abt 10.30am at cmpb. ears eyes heart blood urine dental spine checked. the nurse was nice. talked to her. as usual with all my job applications, height is an issue, and will continue to be an issue. well, lets see how it goes.

afternn got my IU checked as the fuse blew out and it wasn't working for the past few days.

then went for a talk / seminar about Producitivity. hahas. learnt that before in school. not so relevant in some sense.

hmmm. this wk happened so fast that i can't rmbr what i did exactly.

i rmbr tue's trng got cancelled coz of the low numbers.

went for a light jog. been sooooooo long since i've jogged at a chillax pace. no haze. cool after-rain weather. was really pleasant.

been awhile since i've used my Shuffle, a gift from dickson a few yrs back...

pretty.

wanted to run the round but felt that it was too late since it was about 10ish-pm and not too safe alrdy. 

wednesday, went for Escape room with the girls!
was fun. found that i've got a cut to be policewoman. ahhahas. we went the 'Dark Mansion' theme room. (there were about 3-4 more rooms to choose from). the idea is to find lotsa interlinked leads to find the key and get out in 45 mins. 2 tough stages. in the first stage, i found all the clues man. sam was able to get the key out of the puzzle box.
2nd stage we didn't really clear it, but went pretty far with the leads! had to check the 'ledger', map and all sia. hahahs. macham really like FBI.

and, i think if you and i went in together, we would excel like mad. hahas. i guess my strength would be my observation skills; plus ur crazy analytical skills, i think just the 2 of us would break all kinds of record or something. #nokick. ahhahahs. we would probably give feedbacks and device out a more challenging plot. but yea, i guess u would think its stupid and a waste of time anyways.

anyways! i enjoyed it though i think its wasted money. lydia had the groupon thing so it was about $15 for 45mins. if not it could have been up to $25 or smth. a wk's worth of petrol. well, its a good business idea i must say. creative, but not sustainable. so i guess the plc curve would be something like a fashion curve- fast rise , fast fall. but was entertaining.

yea. so that's about it.

MH370 still not found. theories about it flying in the shadow of the SQ68 does sounds plausible, but just highly insane coz it means the pilot is freakin skilled. probably a hollywood blockbuster movie can be drafted out of it. well, at this point of time, kudos to all the SAR teams and the respective ministers who deals with the pressure every single day. i guess the Msian's is also in a very difficult position since there's just too much ambiguity. so let's all be slightly more patience and tolerant about it.

whether its being hijacked or what, nothing is really conclusive. the delay in the switching off of the ACARS and transponder could be due to something else- we just dont know. maybe the pilot is really trying to save the aircraft? probably much dramatic situation going on in the cockpit? we just dont know. anything can happen. 

but at this point of time, 239 ppl being uncontactable is just baffling and painful for those in the wait. may the peace with them during this period of time. 

hopefully some more conclusive clues can surface up soon. even if has crash, i hope the investigation teams will be able to provide some form of solid and conclusive answers for the families.

ok. 

well, 

ya.

let's just not even go into there.

lotsa thoughts. missing you but i guess it doesn't and shouldn't matter anymore.

move on.

Functional

Suddenly, I forgot how to function.

levels

sometimes  i wonder, do our attitudes or focus levels come in percentages.

can we really give our 100% on the different aspects/outlooks, or is it really that all unequal level amounts up to 100%? then we're gonna be talking about opportunity costs.

been working relatively hard. idk if its coz of this, that i'm not enjoying rugby as much. because of work, have been late for trngs. its always so difficult. i dont think its as simple as to say that i've lost the passion for playing rugby or to say that i've grown out of it. though trng isn't very tough coz we're in season, i feel quite tired. not sure if its a feeling of discouragement since i haven't been performing well, but i guess i can comfort myself by saying that our 100% best gas somehow somewhat to be divided.

i arrived at trng today about 8pm. while trng, saw the really huge and big yellow moon at about 8.30pm. really wanted to take a photo coz it was really glowing and the building beside it was like reflecting light of it. really pretty. was hoping that wherever you are, u would be seeing the moon and hopefully, not thinking of me.

after trng, checked my phone, and was surprised that u sent me images of the moon and the plane. i was really elated, but i know i had to put a cap to it. 

sometimes in life, we tell our friends 'we wish you well'. but in it, do we really know what it contains? do we know what is well for them; are we making any effort to follow-suit those wishes? i guess everything is said just as a form of greeting w/o much thought to it. i mean its not like we gotta know what's exactly best for them anyway.

honestly, idk what point i'm trying to make here. there's a point that i want to note, but i just cant seem to find the exact way to explain this.. contradictory paradox if that's the way to describe it.

ok back to work. got 2 news.

one of which is that i'm probably gonna be moving department. but i really duno what's worth since i've made up my mind to leave in 2 months, currently w/o a concrete plan though with alternatives to really evaluate. 

2nd is, today, i got recommended to go to another company. its more like project management which requires me to fly often to visits customers. he thinks i'm capable... but not just to be humble, i dont have the necessary experience. i dont think i'm at the level where i can meet customers and have the autonomy to make accurate decisions. i probably have the management/planning and process skills to some extent, but with that huge gap in the technical knowledge, i dont wanna risk it. 

but flying often for short periods sounds fun. hahas. growth is there as well.

anwayyyyy. let's all drown ourselves in work so that our mind dont have any space to recall anything that will distract us. 

where is it?

the search for the missing MH370 boeing 777 has taken on a new direction.
i think it has become abit more tricky now. hijacking? pilot suicide? who's claiming the credit? where's all the passengers?
so many countries have helped in the search right now, including Japan... i think it the midst of all these adversities, its comforting to some extent to see countries from in the South China Sea regions working together. all the expenditures and resources man. perhaps if this was really a hijack/ sabotage, was this really the main plan? is it even possible?that one hellofa person is able to risk everything and force countries to work together in such a way to gain international peace? would it make sense?? how about someone who wanted to steal the plane and then modify it? all.the.possibilities.

just like the current movie 'Non-Stop' also about hijacking, so many twists and turns. even if u expect the unexpected, it is still unexpected. sigh. i guess its probably the worst time for the families and loved ones; being left hanging and stranded. such a void.

anyway, because of this incident, many people start to know more about planes now, especially regarding transponders, ACARS, explosions, black boxes and so on. even mother poon was like "eh girl ah... if crash alrdy can find the black box, up till now still dont have". ahhas. to think that she even know what a black box is. hahahs. good job mother poon. dad would be proud of his wife. ahhahahs.
but really, let's just hope that its anything but a crash and that all the passengers are safe somewhere.
239 is really alot of people. let's pray for this whole situation.


ok. this week ended too quickly. it was the handover week, and the last time working with my GM. been a good 9 months working with him. wish him all the best as he goes back to his Mothership. gonna miss all his nagging and drive. ahhas.
we had some drinks with closer colleagues on thurs, a grand thanksgiving/leaving dinner amongst the managements staff and the annual Bowling tournament yesterday. the little drinking session on thurs was at this reallly nice place somewhere hidden in changi village. didn't know that place existed. and its really pretty and warm with the sunset and all. yep, i skipped trng for that. fri's dinner was at this restaurant at Goodwood Hotel. freakin atas. probably the most atas place i've ever been for a dinner, not as a photographer or someone running an event, but just as a guest/patron. it was like fine-dining. felt out of place with my pants and safety shoes. the bread was so good. it was warm and fragrant.
there's like soup and sides.. the mains were steak. had a beef steak and it was like... wahlau. i just dont know how to take it all in man. but thank God for the too good food that i dont deserve!

and sat morng, the bowling event.
ahhas. been sooooo long since i've bowled. totally no feel. didn't know how to make adjustments coz i dont even know my form any more. hahas. 3 games. had an avg of like 135. quite gross. that's about 50-60 pins off my form. hahas.
even my shoe tore apart as the glue dried up. but nonetheless, there was that bit of competitive spirit to fight for that $50 ntuc voucher. ahhas. next wk of groceries settled. :) gave to mother poon which made her happy.

whokays. next, medical test up on Fri.
taken a whole day leave for it. got a feeling that my height is going to be an issue.

anyway, for this, i really dont know.

i'm not sure if i've given up fighting or have simply given up. i just hope that i'm walking with faith in God's sight.

actually on a more... troubling matter, my new GM has even suggested to sponsor me for an engineering degree for whatever the reasons after knowing about this option that i'm seeking. 

choices. choices.

that's the thing about choices. people think that with more alternatives to choose from, they will be satisfied. in fact, they wont be because of the emergence of an opportunity cost, leaving room for regret. that's the whole idea behind the paradox of choices.

hahas. nope, i didn't come up with that. that explanation is from Nat Geo's Brain Games, which also explore things like subconscious confidence and so on. pretty interesting series.. a must watch!

it also explained the goodness about fear. that it was the 'fear' of darkness that led to the invention of light... the 'fear' that protect ourselves, the 'fear' that allow us to be ready for fight or flight, and so on...

it also explained that how are brains are wired up when we're in a fearful situation, we tend to remember things more clearly and vividly likka video camera though things happen fast.

ANYWAYS. the rain POURRREED today. totally #floodgatesopened #buaytahanliao.

first time riding my white Knight in the rain. stalled twice. lets's see how it goes in the rain. 

but i guess the trees are happy now. and the fields are finally gg to be softer now.

and next complaints from singaporeans would be about the flood and all. 

the unending desires of human nature - forever unable to be satisfied.

lastly, i think human have this unspoken 6th sense and women are more sharper in that sense. 

my physics lecturer once said that our 6th sense comprises of the sense of direction. take for example, when u hear a sound, u'd probably know where to turn ur head to face in the direction where the sound is coming from. that should make up one of the senses isnt it? i mean yea, it's the fluids in the ear that play a key role in detecting all the vibrations from movements and stuff like that, but does it detect long distant brain transmissions between synapses; if there's sound waves, are heart waves present? hahas.

i cant rmbr if i rmbr correctly, but i think there's a study which talks about the strength of brain signals. 

i rmbr in secondary sch, a group of us wanted to test out this theory, so the group of about 6 of us stared at our teacher from behind, and massively calling out her name in our  mind and hearts in unison. in the end, our teacher did turned to our direction! ahhahas. but of course, it was clear that it wasn't because of us, but because she's finished with her task and just practicing some situational awareness as a discipline mistress. ahhahas.

but sometimes i feel that i can detect stuff easily. hahas. yes, call me sensitive coz i know i am. positively saying, i'm observant. like for my GM, i knew that he was facing some decision-making phase in feb. no one said about it, but i could detect it! hahahas. so i actually asked him last week, and he revealed to me the unspoken timeline, and i felt great that i was proven right. wahhahas. satisfaction of personal ego - checked.

alright. gonna crash now. 

hope i dont ruin anything that come what may.

dont think too much. 

Parameters

SgHaze is back.


today i had a good day at work coz one of the customers was really proud of our work and he said like "been working with u guys for so long but this is the first time this is so clear and spotless". :D

and also quite satisfied with myself today coz i managed to send an email out to say one of the customer's customer and to highlight that the operational side (which is us do face the repercussions and not you). wahhahas. i knew that the email was gg to get CC-ed. so heing that i sound so harsh.



on a 2nd note, got called for medical check-up today.
about 3 more weeks till my compass test expires. hope this is fine and in time. dun want to go through the whole procedure again. anyway, abit frustrating that each time i call to ask the same qns, i get the diff ans and different procedures. wasted so much time.
but let's just see how this goes.


but today is a day that it seems that i'm able to just let everything go and take it along my stride. it suddenly becomes so clear, even when it comes to my aspiration to pursue e LAE step. honestly, LAE is never my end goal. i'm looking long-term into taking up roles like AFM, SFM, VP... but at the end of the day, i still have to rmbr that its still about the revenue, profit and cost coz after all, its still a business. tackling the technical aspects of it becomes just a small part of the big picture. i mean there's many sides to a coin, not just 2. of course, being a LAE would be great for now, but if this becomes un-realistic given all  the current situational factors, i guess its time that i dont hold on to something seems impossible.

at this point of time, i wouldn't consider it as 'giving it up', especially when i've tried to apply and reapply ever since 2011. probably just being not so stubborn persistent and determined about this. well, if the job offer suddenly miraculously comes to me right now, i wouldn't hesitate to say yes though.

but i guess there's many means to an end.
ultimately, i still want to save lives... probably looking into becoming an aviation researcher/ investigator in the future. wanna look into systems and process improvements for real and it not just about the profits but more towards flight and aviation safety. i used to think that this is very far fetched, as inspired by Air Crash Investigation. ahhas... but i shouldn't also scare myself with the impossibilities also la. and so, by joining the force, i think this is more achievable given the resources available; but i would need to work extremely hard and be focused and clear. should i step into this route, i would still want to move back into the commercial jets eventually. well, i dk how hard its going to be, but i'll just keep all my options open, but still be clear of what i really like to do.

bottom line is, i still do like to fix and repair stuff; aircrafts that is.

idk how far away i'm going to get, but i just hope i'm able to take passion in my work and help those around me in the process. i guess i'll be regretting soon, but its only when u try then u're sure that its not  suitable right. hahas. sounds familiar, but whatever.


anyway, i'm just glad that for now, everything inside is not so crazy now.  sometimes it makes me feel like i'm some insane kid that's about to go bersek. but its really by God's grace that i'm finally feeling some form of 'rest' despite all the busyness.

maintain.

on a side note, i'm starting to agree with mother poon that i look like my dad.

Hpd mp!

Happy birthday mother poon!

Like me, though I know she's happy, she doesn't show it - until i force her to smile for e cam. Hahas

Went funan to eat her fav thai food.. then walked around... wanted to bring her to see the water show at mbs but i guess everyone was tired. Got home and sis helped her sync her ipad and all.

a good day.

Painted nails with the foc testers. Starting to really like nail polish but I cant bear to buy a bottle home. 1 bottle cost $12.90.. thats like half a week of petrol money can!

Feeling quite moody poony today. I think there should be another lady working in my dept... at least a more ladyish one. Out of spares today while i was out at hangar. Period. Hahahahs! Pun intended but whatever. 

Just thank God for good and patience nice collegues.

Also feeling helpless abt the missing MAS flight. Idky i'm affected also. I wanna go help them find some debris or something. Doesnt seem helpful, but i wish i could do more! The chances are almost nil as it had been 3 days. Really needa pray for comfort to the loved ones of the pssengers. :(

Saw this on Fb.. really a good reminder of the choices we chose to not take.

Life's actually not too bad If we know how to take It eaeasy

Non-Stop

had a long day today. played 3 games. 2.30pm. 4.30pm. 7pm.
Womens, Mixed and then Contact.
but for contact, i was a sub for the last 5mins. so it wasn't that bad. the girls were awesome today. the line speed, the discipline, those kicks. good job. and beautiful win today!


ok. that's for today.
many things this wk.
big news at work as well.
and in the mean time, msian airlines' B777 is missing. damn sad.. i feel damn helpless.
i guess its probably crashed into the sea alrdy. :( ugh.
we all can just hope that it landed somewhere safely and without any form of communication.
sigh.



still, have been pretty down.

after all the games, though i'm soooo tired, i actually went to watch a movie, alone, again.
i could have waited for some of my friends to have a common schedule, but i guess its almost impossible. so ending the game at 8.45pm in my smelly jersey and wet sb, i rode down to catch the 9.20pm movie.
'Non-Stop' the movie.
its about a hijacking case of a plane. very very intense i must say.
its a movie that i wanted to watch with you coz we can probably talk about and hear of each other views after the movie. but i must say its so intense that i didn't even move throughout the whole movie. most of the viewers also. hahas.


i enjoyed it; though alone, its something that i guess i'll need to get used to.



ANYWAYS.


next big news - apart from the big news that my co is splitting, our GMs are swopping.
my current GM is gg back to siaec line main, while the manufacturing GM (also a siaec guy) is taking over us.
last time, to me, a change in leadership is not that of a big issue. now that i'm in business development and working with all the projects, i really see all the repercussions.
the change in directions, work rate, habits, style, processes... everything changes!
its always a good and bad thing to have a change, whatever it is, we just need to simplify everything and start thinking things at optimum level.
anyways, my stubborn self is still set at june. these 2 months will be my last fight and i'll responsibly let both the kind GMs know. hahas. if not, i'll be joining the airforce in aug if it all goes.. 'well' in some sense. let's see how. but i'm really praying for God's direction.




ok. next news.
actually no news. its mother poon's bday tmr!
the bro in law brought our family to jb eat wanton mee and lok lok last night.  :D though i was super tired by end fri, it was still good.
and and i'm quite happy coz i finally have the ability to buy her an..........ipad mini! it cost about $1k with the highest storage space.  well she wanted it. been complaining her heavy ipad. hahas. but having said that, i still owe her $ that she had loan me to buy my bike. this doesn't include the $$ i give her. ok, really not trying to be proud of it, but just wanna give a good pat on my back. but from the looks of it, i really needa start taking money-making actions. its not just about getting richer, but really to have a LT plan if i wanna let mother poon live a life w/o worry.
we'll see about that. hope this takes my mind of things that dont matter.



onto my bike, been managing well.
so far, so good.
1 full tank last me 1 wk. for my old spark, i would usually needa pump 2.5 times per wk. overall petrol consumption increased by about 20%.. so i'm actually paying about $4-6 more per week. ooookkkk la. not that bad la. oh yea, last wk, i so much difficulty parking properly at the carpark beside wheelock that i gave up. ahhahas. i mean its oook la. just out of the box by the whole front wheel and i couldn't reverse it, so i left it there. but i think the clearance should be enough for other bikes to go pass. ahhas. so terrible.
while leaving the carpark after running my errands, i saw this malay couple, 1 guy and 1 girl, both on their scramblers coming in. the girl's super cool.  the guy went to park first, while the girl surveyed for another spot. soon there was a spot available.... she managed to push her scrambler into the slot, upslope! she was struggling abit, and her bf didn't help her but just stood by just incase she can't / her bike fall. hahas. after i saw her parked, on my bike, i gave her a thumbs up and shouted "baik ah!" means 'good' in malay. then she and her bf both laughed and gave me a i-understand-how-you-feel-bro kinda smile. ahhahas.
that's the thing about malays in sg. they're a much more friendlier bunch than the chinese. ok, i dont want to sound racist here, but better to highlight that i'm a perankan. so i'm kinda like on both sides. hahahahs.


back to rugby, been pretty down.
sometimes i feel like i'm a liability since all my other teammates are just so awesome. maybe i should just leave the team, coz my absence may just be a contribution. my work also doesn't allow me to commit for trngs. my work usually ends like at 7pm ish while trng starts at 7pm in the northwest of sg. after packing up and travelling about 28km down, i usually reach at 8pm and that's like half the trng gone. and since i'm no star player and all, it doesn't help anyone or myself. probably needa re-consider this seriously after the league.
this applies to touch as well. but i fell more comfortable with my touch teammates. idk if its all the overseas competitions or what, but i feel more comfortable there. but recently, i guess its also because of work, i haven't been performing. all in all, my fitness has dropped and i probably needa re-look into having my work-life balance.




lastly, wanted to blog alot more last week, but was just too tired, down and lazy.
on to you, u've told me to give up trying to give up and we'll give up eventually. may be its really working. and let just face it, we're both on different platforms and no matter what we say or do, both of us just can't allow our platforms to be leveled up. i do regret walking into your life and tormenting urs, but with all the heart affairs aside, thank you for all ur aviation talks and guidance. u never fail to keep me interested and updated in the current aviation news especially wrt to Boeing and definitely, i'm going to miss them. also want to thank you for ur emotional support when sometimes i feel like breaking down. i dun think u'd ever know how at ease i can feel with i'm with you. but that might just also be the problem also. i guess at this point of time we've come to this unspoken agreement of staying apart. ok, maybe its just me one sided, but i guess if i'm able to manage this well from now on, life wouldn't be so upsetting for u, as well as for me.
i guess i just have to give up totally and face it. no more using or depending on you for support and assurance, i'm selfish and prideful, and if i can't cast those aside, then i guess its not going to be fair at all and its best that i leave u alone.





so yep. i guess this space is FINALLY going to see light soon.





in all things, i just want to thank God for everything and for watching over me. i just hope that one day, You'll be able to touch the heart of my friends one day that they'll be able to know you.

i'm not perfect

Perfect - by Hedley

Falling a thousand feet per second, you still take me by surprise.
I just know we can't be over, I can see it in your eyes.
Making every kind of silence, takes a lot to realize
Its worse to finish then to start all over and never let it lie.

And as long as I can feel you holding on. I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong.

I'm not perfect but I keep trying cause that's what I said I would do from the start.
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave. Was it something I said or just my personality?

Making every kind of silence, It takes a lot to realize
Its worse to finish then to start all over and never let it lie.

And as long as I can feel you holding on. I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong.

I know that I'm not perfect but I keep trying cause that's what I said I would do from the start.
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave. Was it something I said or just my personality?

When you're caught in a lie, and you've got nothing to hide,
When you've got nowhere to run, and you've got nothing inside.
It tears right through me, you thought that you knew me, you thought that you knew..

I'm not perfect but I keep trying cause that's what I said I would do from the start.
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave. Was it something I said or just my personality?
I'm not perfect but I keep trying cause that's what I said I would do from the start.
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave. Was it something I said or just my, just myself?
Just myself? Myself? Just myself?

I'm not perfect, but I keep trying.

I think it has come to a point

I think it has come to a point where I need to reconcile both of our needs and wants.


I think it has come to point that I need to recognize that I cant be that more than friends u want me to be, neither can I expect u to just be my special and waste each other's time like that.




I think it has come to a point that I stop using you for my emotional support and believing that we both can come a our consensus.





I think it has come to a point that we're both fighting for ourselves, not with each other, not for each other.




I think it has come to a point that we should just stop hurting each other and then hurt ourselves with hope that doesn't exist.









I think it has come to a point where u wont even find me if u need me while I'll hestiate too much even when I need you.









I think it has come to a point that I need to make a sound decision even if it means to lose u entirely. I cant keep u to my selfish needs and then ignore urs.






I think it has come to a point where we're both so similar in our thoughts and actions that it supports the law of magnetism that like-poles repel.




I think it has come to a point where as much as I can love, in the process, I can also hurt u with the truths though it comes with all honesty and destruction in which we both dont deserve.




I think it has come to a point where I need to be the one who walk away and not turn back. U probably want this too but I'll just have to do it.





I think it has come to a point where I need to realize that my daily thoughts and actions doesnt need to evolve around u if this is not really going anywhere.






I think it has come to a point where I cant even cry anymore because I'm all spent with no tears left.









I think it has come to a point where i love you so much that I need to let u go.

So stressed now.
I dont like the business model.
But I miss you like crazy.

Ok. Focus now.
kthxbye.

Is it legit to ask u out for a movie?

end me.

And so.
I wanted to slp.
But thoughts of u just fill my head.
All I want to do is just to say, I love you.

But I know I shouldnt.
U like it. But I guess u wouldnt.

Is this considered cheating on u?
For I know clearly this is not how it should be in e first place, and u're pretty clear that this not just about just friends. So should I ignore you just to respect and honour ur decision in  which u'd deem it as me challenging myself? It's all for you.
Really.


Coz right now, I'm trying to make u understand something I dont quite understand.
I wish for u to be beside me right now, to hold me and to tell me that everything will work out fine even though it wont. I dont deserve anything from u.


Leave me. Just like how you want me to.
I will try my very best to not walk back to ruin you.

My saturdays

Thats how my saturdays will be for the next 10 wks at least.

Blogging through my phone now coz I'm pretty lazy to swtich the com on.

Had touch and contact games today.

Funny how in both games,  different sport, different teams, different players, and at different times, had same lessons today. 

First halfs are always the shit. And it was pretty  negative intense shit. Its always e 2nd half, or at least e last part we pick ourselves up when we start to re-realize that we have to play together,  for each other. Isnt it too late?

its interesting how in team sports, u can feel it clearly if we're on e same page and playing together and for each other anot. Today's performance as a team and as an individual was just too... erractic. I felt myself caving in and to a point strong enough to make me fight back up emotionally. 

We dun usually take things personally on the field, but I guess we should really start encouraging each other rather than putting blames on those around yea.

Yes, good to have that kind of drive or probably the heart for ur fellow team mate to do well, but before that, I guess everyone needs to be sincerely clear of their intention. Nope, I'm not really judging for I've probably passed e phase of being so uptight/ anal abt things. Its just that again, all of us are humans whom somewhat sticks to maslow's hierarchy of needs, even at e expense of those around.

Today its one of those days when I felt that my absence in itself may be a contribution to everything. Even when it comes to you, I'm starting to think that ur life wouldnt be so... uncomfortable when u hadnt met me. Yea, with me, you probably have more moments of happiness.. but that comes with baggages full of frustrations. In ur defense, u would always say that w/o me, ur life would be mundane and neutral. Taking a step back and looking at e whole thing, I think I'm causing u more sorrows than happiness, so much so that ur mundane life may just be considered as a better one. Everything in life's relative. U can only be good if there's someone else that's not so good.

Idk. Its all just not worth it.

I did hope someday that u'll secretly watch me play, or like u'll call me out for a move and waste time together. The key word is 'did'. For now, I dont deserve any of ur time or memory space of ur thoughts.

My absence may just be a contribution. 

Ok, on a happy note,  really proud of my friend, tiff who made e news as a fire fighter.  Shes my rugby friend, not my teammate but my opponent.  Played with her and against her on other occasions. Shes really a nice girl. Today when she was on e field for her game, some of the girls at the spec's stand was cheering "go singapore hero!" Hahas. Quite funny.

There's a vid clip of her online in action.  Its really cool and it did pull a chord in my heart. This was one of the dream that I was forced to give up due to my unchangeable physical limitations. From young, I've always wanted to save lives. When e doctor dream became unrealistic due to my horrible o'level results due to the many distractions... I was considering betweed scdf or the police force. After much evaluation,  I felt that the scdf was a more practical and useful one. Besides, its more interesting coz it deals with many situatuons thats requires u to think fast and make accurate decisions to literally save a life. Hence I went on to do the business degree since it was e fastest route to get there.

Anyways, after countless attempts of hitting the wall, I knew I had to let that go and it wasnt easy.

Looking ahead for now, at this point of time, I'm not really sure where I'm gg, or even where do I want to go.

Ok. I just want to go and sleep now and forget the world.

it was an accident

what a work week.

last tuesday, work almost killed me. literally man.
we're supposed to send some parts to seletar.. otw out from alh and passing changi v, there's this traffic junction... u know those 2 lane roads.... ok wait. i'm gonna screen shot my 'accident report' ahhas.

yea. so we're the lorry. the car's at fault to turn out suddenly. thank God that we're only travelling at 30-35km/h and about 10-15m away. HOWEVER, our accelerator failed to rebound back to neutral state.. so upon hitting the brakes, the car skidded.  it was about 3-4 secs of uncontrolled driving and it was enough to scare me abit. you could see the car skidding uncontrollably while i see my colleague trying to stop the car.. and so it finally hit the veh before coming to a stop. like really no control man. thank God again that it wasn't a motorbike that we hit or smth. if not it could have been devastating.

so we waited about 1 hr for the towtruck since the accelerator just couldn't function properly.. in the mean time, there was a another lorry which broke down just 15m away. hahas. since it was a logistics company, we exchanged contacts and name cards... so not bad.. there's some business opportunity / alternative solution.

but yea. long day i had. skipped trng.

before that, it was a good day actually. was helping with some urgent repair matters.... had the opportunity to explore the workshops and stuff like that. even went into the huge storage room for all those aircraft consumables. from adhesives to engine oil... it was cool coz the store room had lotsa and the different but familiar cans of engine oil.. saw those cans that i used during my OJT at line main.. all the memories man!




work's been up and down. as the company is officially embarking on a big change this april, things are pretty... up and down. to me, it just feels directionless. idk how legit it is for me to explain stuff on a public space, but all i can say is that... if there's no ownership, u're just gg to fight for short-term profits even if it means to operate at a long-term loss.


we're all human after all.


no matter how honest, respectable and 'correctly concerned' one may be, i guess the extremities of conditions and situational pressures really pushes one to do things / make decisions out of their defined boxes just to satisfy the immediate demands.
its pretty sad.
and even if the... um.. situation on the right platform, w/o the genuine support and clear long-term directions, it's just gg to be an uphill battle. as it gets steeper, instead of reaching for the top, everyone is just struggling to keep the footing. it's really gg to be a waste.
and that's really not how a profitable business should work, especially one w/o the capability.
it just dont make any sense. so really, quit thinking about profit and revenue. we need to really start making losses for long-term sustainability.




hahas. does that whole part sound likka love life? hahahas
maybe that applies to my life also.
just because of all the sudden... desperation or drive for whatever as per se, we make impulsive decisions though they would have gone through thorough evaluation.
these decisions are probably short term. we dont want to make the losses coz we only care for the moment.




whatever it is, this week seeems likka full work week because whenever i had space/time to think, u were in my thoughts whole time. i really dont want all these thoughts coz it really drains me as they lead to me longing for you unconditionally.
i saw you the other day and it really made me freak out to some extent. yea, being a rather extremely expressive person, i had no choice but to blog on the spot. hahas.




bah.
can you just come grab me tonight, leaving me no choice but to watch the shiny night stars together?
hahas. not sure if singapore's clouded night skies will allow that though. how about fireflies? ok, not the ATR 42. hahas.
i think its quite funny coz that day, when i said that i wanted to watch planes landing with you at the night sky...you disagreed with your astute self and was quite rational about it saying that there's not much arrivals and departures at that time... ahhas.. which was true. totally felt quit dumb-witted for that moment.
i mean like, though i'mma business development person who's pretty familiar with the flight schedules, i wasn't able to think logically like that. ahhas. yes, cheers to you, and though no planes for us for that night, whatever time spent with you is just nice enough. good thinking though. hahas.




hahas. i'm really starting to get worried should one fine day when i've decided to make this space public again... and u'd start reading back all these posts. i really hope you dont but u probably will eventually.
other readers who reads this may also see a different side of me.
hahas. i'm probably darker than anyone can imagine coz i myself dont even know.
sucha confused kid.




u know at this point of time, idk if i can say 'i love you'.
yea, after all that man. i guess i just need to understand that i dont understand (hahas. the pun) the true meaning of these 3 words, or, i've failed to recognize the unfathomable values / principles that comes along with it. not that i dont want to say it, but i think unworthy to say it to u. even to just drop you a 'i miss you' seems to be something that i need to put on all the stops. reverse thrust maybe.
i just dont want it to make it difficult for you eventually. u probably dont agree to this, but i should be clear about this by now.



anyway, i miss you tonight and being a girl, though i never want you to know this, i know that u would eventually read this space again, so i'm saying it. hahas. #girl.  aiya, since i'm trying hard to not msg u... lets just use this space la. may u have a good night at work/ sleep and that i wont be a distraction to you.