ready?

today, IRB level 1 coaching course from 9am till 5pm. i want to die.
but ok la, they really tried to speed up to make the 2 day course to a 1 day course.

hahas. just as i'm done with the sch projects, i got a whole new lot for things to do on my checklist.

i got the IRB laws to study (super duper long online quiz), Rugby Ready quiz, and the exam paper to hand in by next monday. 

its open book, but its not that straight forward.

honestly, i dont think i'll make an excellent contact rugby coach coz as a player, i've still got so much more to learn. but what i hope that i can take out of this course is to be more clear of the game and at the same time, able to help those that's new in our club.

Rugby unlike Touch has got like 10000x more rules. more game play. more everything. even about the fitness and conditioning, it cannot be taken lightly coz it's also really about safety in an adrenaline-rushed game at the end of the day.

--

i hope this would also bring me back re-direct my focus of the game.

honestly, i dun think i've ever shared this before, but what made me join rugby was because of u.

it's probably a....um... statement.. that i never wanted to accept as it was just.not.me. 

but after all these yrs, i think it doesn't matter how ppl think of me anyways. ppl should accept me of who i am.

secretly supporting u from the sidelines in the midst of the crowd was one of the most memorable moments for me. wanting to play the game, understand what u're going through, be it ups or downs, and also hopefully train and play alongside with u one day was one of the secret motivations.

and so, all along the model answer to why-i-join-rugby was 'oh, rugby is fun, challenging....' and the whatever nots, which is really all the truths to me that stand still to me up till this day. however, those aren't really the initial reasons to why i really joined rugby. 

many ppl ask me this kind of question, and so i have to say, i've been lying through my eyes. i'm never a great liar, so when ppl ask me, i do notice that i look around, avoid eye contact, displaying all the tell-tale signs of lying coz i really can't lie. hahas. but yea. 

and so, as the years go by, its really between because-of-you and i-really-like-rugby. and of course, the huge reason was you... and u know when they say that 'you'll start to believe in ur lies one day' or like 'the lies become the truths when constantly being spoken', it's partially true. its probably called self-denial in subtle success. hahas. and yes, over the years, i've learnt to appreciate the game and really love the sport. 

been playing competitive Touch for about 7 yrs now and Rugby 3 yrs.

i wanted to join Rugby first initially 7 yrs ago, but TP didn't have a womens contact team. and so i resorted to joining the Touch team despite going getting to my Business course through my bowling achievements in my sec sch days (under the STARS programme scheme). 

i could have joined Blacks 7 yrs ago, outside of school. however, my Touch coach then, didn't allow players to join any touch club or let alone, play Rugby. besides, with my bowling, touch, photography, dance and church commitments, i really didn't have any time at all. 

well, eventually all so was also to drown myself to keep myself fully occupied to not allow myself have any time or energy to think of u. come to think of it, i think i should be happy and proud of myself that i was able to have so much better time management and energy than now. maybe its the age catching me. oh wells.

and so, it was actually quite a great plan coz in the process, i get to learn alot of things, experience alot and really utilize my youth. ahhas. however, having said that, it was as good as pushing the problem away and not actually facing it.

--

sometimes i get so caught up with my thoughts.

my objectives and rationale get so destorted.

so deceivingly, 

so deceptively. 

but at this stage and point of live, i really have to recognize and identify some grey areas. all those 'left hanging' situation that really needs to be sorted out one day.

once or twice, i did drink recklessly excessively just so that i can have the courage and be brave to drop u a text saying that 'all these while i've been missing you just so you know', but i guess my better conscious-self, in a pool of all the intoxication, was still able to re-surface and not let myself abuse alcohol and let it take the blame for all my can-be-controlled actions. 

been drunk. been there. done that. 

and so, no matter how drunk we are, we still have that bit of self-control because of our Medulla Oblongata that's still very much alive on its own. and i guess i should be proud of myself on that.

and because of that, i think did unknowingly, used another you, in which i think u did used me as well. 

not so brutal as it sounds. but it was somehow mutual, not in that practical sense as per se.

in my opinion, it was just for each other's benefits though it really felt true.

and because it felt so true, i feel that i shouldn't be using u like that and let u use me like that. 

i'm glad that i was painfully able put on the brakes and execute a RTO before i let myself sink in further because i must say, i'm really confused at that point of time and i shouldn't drag you into this situation with me.

even now, it still bothers me coz i've successfully created another left-it-hanging situations.

now and then, i still miss you, so much that it makes things a whole lot more difficult because not only i can feel so miserable over 2 different people, but for the fact that its 2 different ppl, i feel likka... player.

ok, maybe that wasn't really the word that i was looking for, but i just know that it shouldn't be like this.

and for what's not started, it can't be ended. right?

sounds philosophical enough? hahas

but ok no, that doesn't justify anything.

and so, it started allllllllll because of you. the first you. 

(hahas. i guess i'm tormenting u readers by using so much you and not actually saying who or actually using like person A or person B).

hahas. whatever. i just feel so messed up now just like how u guys are feeling. just 987897928749382x more pls. tyvm.

really, i need to move on.

and its not just about removing the mental block. coz for about 7 yrs, i've tried doing so, but just look at the state of how and what i'm blogging about now. ahhas. #provenunsuccessful.

and yes, i know that i cant move on if i dun pluck up enough courage to settle it once for all with sheer honest.... courage. that's probably the only tangible solution.

i dont think i should ever resort to alcohol for whatever strength because that would just mean that i'm probably not at my honest self. and so, at the end of the day, i only have 1 solution which is to face it.

i really have no idea how u are doing and what's gg on in ur life right now.

i probably am still concerned but that's all i can do / should only do for now.

and y do i need to move on?

because now i feel myself so pointless to a point that i'm really out of the tangent. 

i'm not stucked at the fork of the road or anything, but i feel that i'm being pulled to the other side.

a side that's not so straight.

hahas. get the gyst?

and its just really becoming very unbecoming. 

and honestly, i am tired of all these coz i really want to truly start accepting ppl into my life and not be so so uncomfortable and to an extend, tormented. i just want to start accepting. and w/o letting go, i cannot hold on to the better future ahead. known or unknown, its better than what is now.

maybe its coz of the recently indirect hints from hk dramas. not just one but a few. the 7 yrs. the letting go. the understanding. the clarification. too much uncannily simliar situations... hahahhas... and also with the recent joking scandals about me and other girls with some of the nonsense boys in my touch club. hahahhas. though its really all just one big joke to keep our lives entertained, it really did made me realize that there's really so much more if i can just let everything go. 

there's way too much baggages on me and the plane can't take off with the MTOW. hahahas. (maximum takeoff weight.- pun intended!) hahas.

and as time goes by, it further proves that time does not heal all wounds.

time accumulates all these scars and its really about whether u choose to identify it or not. its not about concealment, but acceptance.

tmd. sucha unexpected heavy post.

(when i switched my laptop on to do the IRB laws. ahhas)

hahas. back in STL 2011 taken by Fiona Sniper Chong Photography. hahas.

i used to think that i was cool with this short and side-shaved hair. 

it was very practical, cooling, saved time, effort, water and rubberbands/ pins. 

that was probably another one of those moments in my life. wahhaahs.