everything in slow mo

hello.
(its gonna be a boring one)


today was kind and nice.


worked today. jo was working 1 level downstairs and was able to catch up with him!
just 2 orders for the day.
had time to finish up my law exam paper. now just left with the online quiz. after 2hrs last night, (accrording to the system) i'm 27% done. hahas.
had my kindle. and spent time reading while packing 2pax of ketchup, 3 pax of chili sauce and 5 servettes into 1 plastic bag to be ready for Poeyes' Day on Sunday. no, seriously. hahahas.
its some anniversary thing and 5 chickens going for $5.90.
Popeye's at its best. and the chickens are never frozen and hand marinated. *thumbs up*
whahahs.
and yes, go to the website, fill up some feedback form if u had a delivery, and u'll get a free chicken. hahas.
so much for the promo tonight. nope, not a nuffnang stunt.




went back. changed. and down to TP for fitness and Touch.



haven't really recovered from the sat sun mon trngs.
but i needa follow up with the 7s fitness regimes.
timing still quite jia lat as compared to my almost kenya-ish teammates. but! i've improved my pace of runs by about 10sec! we've been logging in our timings into the google drive and i noticed that improvement. and so, just 3 wks, but slowly and surely. (:



had a good time of Touch today. well, didn't play muchhh after all the fitness coz i can feel my thighs hardening up and that mcl of my right knee reminding me of its limits. so was just sitting down, watching them play, taking in the cool, quite night at the stadium.
some how, still heavy hearted.
but no, not to the point of emo. but everything in slow mo.



and all of a sudden, i realized that we're caught up in a h2h session with some of my juniors.
well, they were my juniors, but as we grow older, everything's more neutralized.




.
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and so, after that short h2h session, played abit more, and then i was walking back to my bike.
the stadium lights were switched off, so all around was dark.
though it was a short walk, it was enough to for me to realize the my heart was lightened.



maybe all these while i just need to verbally voice out  those heavy anchors and set my ship free.
hahas. i needed a listening ear and a 3rd party's p.o.v.
though we aren't the best of friends or super close teammates, but everything was just nice. we have our own fair shares of struggles and takes about the world.





my coiled up wires  and messed up thoughts are still pretty much tangled, but at least they're more...spaced out.



being in
being out
being on
being rout.


really. we've got the religion, we've got the morals, we've for the principles, we've got our own fair share of experinces. but so, what does all that amount up to? and if so, so what?
what's the whole point of it all. for the good of our own? for the respect of our morals? for the faith of our religion?




before i even go into all that, i must say that my absence in church, my distance from God did waver my Faith. my God's unchanging, but Man is forever sinning and the fallen angel will always be there to find ways to pull you away from the Righteous one. period. ok, maybe not. there's so much more.



we're ever-changing.
adaptation, maybe?
to fit in, for the survival? maybe.
for the pleasures? maybe.


the problem tricky part to it is in its identify.
to which, should it even be defined? if so, for what?
perhaps i'm taking life's simplicity into a whirlpool of the 'what is'.


going back to one of my past life lessons, maybe giving up is really gaining some.
maybe i've indeed complicated things abit too much. sometimes, we really dont need to.
what it is, it is and there's no need to go deviate, go complicate and add on unnecessary icing.


*pause* HAHA. while i'm typing this, Nat Geo's "Breakout - Freedom Fighter" is on now. hahas. its about how 3 convicts are trying to escape from prison in which they eventually succeeded;  they're being interviewed and one of them just said "we had to get out. we had to escape... to find a key and break out to our freedom". .. "i had to make a key. that was the start."
whahhahahs. how #apt indeeeeed.
basket. and just visually, he's making a wooden key now in attempt to make a replica of the prison's one. and through testing, filing, he's made it. hahaas. steady. he deserves a medal for that really.
he's made to be an engineer pls or at least a spot in the special ops tactical team. hahas. Tim Jenkin






ANYWAYS.
k. i'm not really in the emo mood now to be retrospective and all coz i'm pretty much distracted by the documentary and i've still for the law quiz to do.
hahas.






but while i'm here, knowing that u'll be reading this, and probably a little surprised that u are still reading this, i just want to say sorry.
i dont have any explanation in which i think u wouldn't want to think that u need to accept anything.
but here it is. sorry for all the mental complication and i guess i really needa sort things out on my own. time has probably helped to ease out the crease. but i guess just so you know, i guess i really, do miss a friend like you and idk if i can.... contain myself when i'm with you.
yep. but no more emails pls. coz each time u do, i've got brilliant plans to hunt your bike down and pass u some stuff. hahas. i think that just put a slight grin on ur face, but that's not my point. hahas. and i should not do it.
perhaps i'll be regretting posting this up later. but lets just salvage every ounce of bravery i have here.
anyways i just want to thank u, somehow for everything and i just wanna promise u that this wont be the end because i know one day i'll be able to come of out of my cave.
till then. and i miss you.









bah. women.

what

I think what's worse than not getting what you want is not even knowing what you want.

















The all too familiar defeaning silence.

ready?

today, IRB level 1 coaching course from 9am till 5pm. i want to die.
but ok la, they really tried to speed up to make the 2 day course to a 1 day course.

hahas. just as i'm done with the sch projects, i got a whole new lot for things to do on my checklist.

i got the IRB laws to study (super duper long online quiz), Rugby Ready quiz, and the exam paper to hand in by next monday. 

its open book, but its not that straight forward.

honestly, i dont think i'll make an excellent contact rugby coach coz as a player, i've still got so much more to learn. but what i hope that i can take out of this course is to be more clear of the game and at the same time, able to help those that's new in our club.

Rugby unlike Touch has got like 10000x more rules. more game play. more everything. even about the fitness and conditioning, it cannot be taken lightly coz it's also really about safety in an adrenaline-rushed game at the end of the day.

--

i hope this would also bring me back re-direct my focus of the game.

honestly, i dun think i've ever shared this before, but what made me join rugby was because of u.

it's probably a....um... statement.. that i never wanted to accept as it was just.not.me. 

but after all these yrs, i think it doesn't matter how ppl think of me anyways. ppl should accept me of who i am.

secretly supporting u from the sidelines in the midst of the crowd was one of the most memorable moments for me. wanting to play the game, understand what u're going through, be it ups or downs, and also hopefully train and play alongside with u one day was one of the secret motivations.

and so, all along the model answer to why-i-join-rugby was 'oh, rugby is fun, challenging....' and the whatever nots, which is really all the truths to me that stand still to me up till this day. however, those aren't really the initial reasons to why i really joined rugby. 

many ppl ask me this kind of question, and so i have to say, i've been lying through my eyes. i'm never a great liar, so when ppl ask me, i do notice that i look around, avoid eye contact, displaying all the tell-tale signs of lying coz i really can't lie. hahas. but yea. 

and so, as the years go by, its really between because-of-you and i-really-like-rugby. and of course, the huge reason was you... and u know when they say that 'you'll start to believe in ur lies one day' or like 'the lies become the truths when constantly being spoken', it's partially true. its probably called self-denial in subtle success. hahas. and yes, over the years, i've learnt to appreciate the game and really love the sport. 

been playing competitive Touch for about 7 yrs now and Rugby 3 yrs.

i wanted to join Rugby first initially 7 yrs ago, but TP didn't have a womens contact team. and so i resorted to joining the Touch team despite going getting to my Business course through my bowling achievements in my sec sch days (under the STARS programme scheme). 

i could have joined Blacks 7 yrs ago, outside of school. however, my Touch coach then, didn't allow players to join any touch club or let alone, play Rugby. besides, with my bowling, touch, photography, dance and church commitments, i really didn't have any time at all. 

well, eventually all so was also to drown myself to keep myself fully occupied to not allow myself have any time or energy to think of u. come to think of it, i think i should be happy and proud of myself that i was able to have so much better time management and energy than now. maybe its the age catching me. oh wells.

and so, it was actually quite a great plan coz in the process, i get to learn alot of things, experience alot and really utilize my youth. ahhas. however, having said that, it was as good as pushing the problem away and not actually facing it.

--

sometimes i get so caught up with my thoughts.

my objectives and rationale get so destorted.

so deceivingly, 

so deceptively. 

but at this stage and point of live, i really have to recognize and identify some grey areas. all those 'left hanging' situation that really needs to be sorted out one day.

once or twice, i did drink recklessly excessively just so that i can have the courage and be brave to drop u a text saying that 'all these while i've been missing you just so you know', but i guess my better conscious-self, in a pool of all the intoxication, was still able to re-surface and not let myself abuse alcohol and let it take the blame for all my can-be-controlled actions. 

been drunk. been there. done that. 

and so, no matter how drunk we are, we still have that bit of self-control because of our Medulla Oblongata that's still very much alive on its own. and i guess i should be proud of myself on that.

and because of that, i think did unknowingly, used another you, in which i think u did used me as well. 

not so brutal as it sounds. but it was somehow mutual, not in that practical sense as per se.

in my opinion, it was just for each other's benefits though it really felt true.

and because it felt so true, i feel that i shouldn't be using u like that and let u use me like that. 

i'm glad that i was painfully able put on the brakes and execute a RTO before i let myself sink in further because i must say, i'm really confused at that point of time and i shouldn't drag you into this situation with me.

even now, it still bothers me coz i've successfully created another left-it-hanging situations.

now and then, i still miss you, so much that it makes things a whole lot more difficult because not only i can feel so miserable over 2 different people, but for the fact that its 2 different ppl, i feel likka... player.

ok, maybe that wasn't really the word that i was looking for, but i just know that it shouldn't be like this.

and for what's not started, it can't be ended. right?

sounds philosophical enough? hahas

but ok no, that doesn't justify anything.

and so, it started allllllllll because of you. the first you. 

(hahas. i guess i'm tormenting u readers by using so much you and not actually saying who or actually using like person A or person B).

hahas. whatever. i just feel so messed up now just like how u guys are feeling. just 987897928749382x more pls. tyvm.

really, i need to move on.

and its not just about removing the mental block. coz for about 7 yrs, i've tried doing so, but just look at the state of how and what i'm blogging about now. ahhas. #provenunsuccessful.

and yes, i know that i cant move on if i dun pluck up enough courage to settle it once for all with sheer honest.... courage. that's probably the only tangible solution.

i dont think i should ever resort to alcohol for whatever strength because that would just mean that i'm probably not at my honest self. and so, at the end of the day, i only have 1 solution which is to face it.

i really have no idea how u are doing and what's gg on in ur life right now.

i probably am still concerned but that's all i can do / should only do for now.

and y do i need to move on?

because now i feel myself so pointless to a point that i'm really out of the tangent. 

i'm not stucked at the fork of the road or anything, but i feel that i'm being pulled to the other side.

a side that's not so straight.

hahas. get the gyst?

and its just really becoming very unbecoming. 

and honestly, i am tired of all these coz i really want to truly start accepting ppl into my life and not be so so uncomfortable and to an extend, tormented. i just want to start accepting. and w/o letting go, i cannot hold on to the better future ahead. known or unknown, its better than what is now.

maybe its coz of the recently indirect hints from hk dramas. not just one but a few. the 7 yrs. the letting go. the understanding. the clarification. too much uncannily simliar situations... hahahhas... and also with the recent joking scandals about me and other girls with some of the nonsense boys in my touch club. hahahhas. though its really all just one big joke to keep our lives entertained, it really did made me realize that there's really so much more if i can just let everything go. 

there's way too much baggages on me and the plane can't take off with the MTOW. hahahas. (maximum takeoff weight.- pun intended!) hahas.

and as time goes by, it further proves that time does not heal all wounds.

time accumulates all these scars and its really about whether u choose to identify it or not. its not about concealment, but acceptance.

tmd. sucha unexpected heavy post.

(when i switched my laptop on to do the IRB laws. ahhas)

hahas. back in STL 2011 taken by Fiona Sniper Chong Photography. hahas.

i used to think that i was cool with this short and side-shaved hair. 

it was very practical, cooling, saved time, effort, water and rubberbands/ pins. 

that was probably another one of those moments in my life. wahhaahs.

Changi Airport

i guess being confusedly in denial is when what u've always been thinking/ assuming, doesn't physically tally with what see in real live. it this you like a shockwave, sending distorted signals being lit up synapses and mixed up neurons.


--



it always happens in T3.

(photo taken in long long ago Swesens! )

Changi Airport.
it has always been an alternate home where i do occasionally seek refuge and from.
in fact, i can say i grew up there. dad works there. dinner in the wkends in the airport was frequent.
last time was at swesens.. where there was a huge globe made up of international coins... also a colourful playground outside where i would be playing while my family queues for a seat. can't rmbr which terminal coz to me at that time, the Airport was endless.

have had many field trips there. in kindergarden especially. i vaguely rmbr there's an A&W somewhere.
as i moved on as a teenager, i always studied there. overnight. everyday... at T1 BK. until all the staff knows me.

even as i continue to grow, i continue to study there. from normal academics subjects to finally, aviation subjects.... no more T1 BK' as the big, spacious conducive place.. so now i mostly study  at T3 macs.

part time job as an AvSO. got posted to T3 transit area. countless trainings and epic occassions with angsty passengers there. in the transit area and especially in the gatehold rooms. politely arguing with them over 100ml waters and even had an experience of  single-handedly threw away 2 limited edition JonnieWalker Black Labels - upopened (coz it's not in the sealed bag).
but yea, its really an international platform where u meet countless ppl from all walks of life all over the world, in perhaps, just 1 15-min stroll down the terminal.


even my OJT was there this yr. at the airside.
also, at T3.
one of the most memorable job experienece i've had, meeting with ppl whom have made.an.impact.on.my.life. hahas. well well.

and now, i'm looking forward at having my life-long job there at the airport. even if i may not ultimately end up where i wanna be, i forsee that my relationship with Changi won't end just like that. hahas.



so indeed, Changi Airport always has a room in my heart or rather, is the room for my heart.
in the past, the viewing gallery was clearer. at night when i get bored of studying, i would take a walk there, looking at planes taxiing and even land. (can't find photos now.. its like 90940934820 yrs ago, lost in my harddrive).



and of course, apart from the daily stuff, there's the traditional take off and landing for family holidays, mission trips, adventure trips.. all happening there. also, sending off people, saying good-byes... all in that ever growing space.


and yes, after whole lot of short but intense bashed-up feelings at the carpark when i thought what would have been a routine park at the carpark, it was to send CQ off for the 9-months pilot trng. unearthly time of 7am, where some of my passionate teammates were there too.

"You can be my pilot while i can be your technician."

hahahs. it is meant to be an aviation joke but the joke was on the both of us all because of this incident in HK where i helped him release his ITB coz of all the mad games.

but nonetheless, have a good trip! 9 months is actually quite fast so yea, learn as much as you can!

caught up with jacky too today before he went in for his shift! 

hahas. so much rubbishhh he. but whatever it is, really, i hope all's gonna go well in the future yea. 

no one for sure can be confident of anything that's unseen. perhaps planning, heart, and passion can take u somewhere / anywhere ur heart may desire whilst satisfying the hole in the pocket. 

 went to sch today.

it was the LAST DAY.
DONE with the project.
DONE with the presentation.
passed my GasTurbine, and that makes a clean pass for all the papers. i think of the whole class, only roxas and i had a clean streak, with AirLaw being its infamous killer.
so i can safely say i'm DONE with the sch.

not that i super love the sch. but, i'll definitely missed it. all the lecturers and other school mates. thanks to all those who shared their experiences and imparted their knowledge with us. also the movement from Eunos to BAC and finally to the Seletar campus.


so now, its really just waiting for them to process the whole thing which apparently takes half a year.
may need to go down to sign stuff and not sure if there's a graduation or what, but i just want the cert and that would seal-off my time at ATTC.



what's next?
everything still a blurry. not w/o plans.
probably in the hopeful wait and prayer for my aimed company.
in the meantime, part-time jobs to earn $$. probably needa do one last epic adventure bagpacking trip or some sort to any parts of the world and just live in the moment.  needa getaway with nature for once last good time before i focus of the next loooong chapter in my life before i can really do another epic adventure.




--






you.
why you?
what's all these conflicting hesitation
what's all these mindset and whatever nots.
in no pursuit.
in no aim.
but everything is listless
everything else is bleak.








--


hahhas.
ANYWAY.
i think i should be like Changi ambassador or some sort. i sound so freakishly proud of Changi Airport. which i really am. coz its award-winning and for a small country like this, the world-class airport for excellent business flow, really provides a platform for a shrinking world.Sir Stamford Raffles had good vision, 一口咬定 that Singapore will be an amazing hub and port for transport/trade and stuff and its still is despite fierce competitions. #likkasir indeed.







anyway. on the last note.
3 wks into the S4.
camera crashed / SD card auto unmount.
samsung repair centre. #1
next day, back to the repair centre for collection. #2
next day, camera crashed / SD card auto unmount / phone auto restarts / batt heats up while charging.
back to the repair centre. #3 and gave me an express service with a total motherboard replacement.
3 hrs later, back at the repair centre #4. everything should be fine, miss.
and the next day,. camera crashed / batt heats up even when not charging.


i DEMAND a new replacement and you cannot expect me to go and and repeat and follow the whole shit again. i dont think i deserve such standards especially i've (actually no, mother poon) have paid good money for it. i dont think i'm being unreasonable coz i've been patience. 4 times to the centre in 1 week. i dont have all the time in the world. i dun care if u've got this no-exchange policy shit, but dun u think this is stupid????? really. imagine i dont have the bike and i gotta take the public transport which is 1 hr from home. to and fro, it is 2 hours. x 4 = 8 hours wasted.
and once i get my phone, i have to try and set it to sync with all my emails, unnecessary social medias and all the shit.
in the process, i lose my data miss out whatsapp conversations.
talk about opportunity cost.


i DEMAND because i CAN and SHOULD do so!

flash.backs.

And so, i've completed reading the book (50 shades of Grey) today while waiting for the orders (only 2) to come in. hahas.
nobody orders chicken for snacks ya.



i dun think i can really summarize all the thoughts in my head.
i'm not confused. challenged, perhaps? but not in any of those ways.

but, i reminded me of so many things of our r/s if u can ever properly define it as one.


lifted this off the book from some PDF source online.
its an email (in the story) from the sadistic, masochism and somehow seemingly deemed to be the protagonist of the story, to the girl whose role was probably to allow readers to empathize and take the whole story into a more personal level.

i strike out those that i felt wasn't.... necessary. ahhahahs.
major BDSM issues huh.




----------------------

From: Christian Grey 
Subject: Finally! 
Date: May 31 2011 07:30 
To: Anastasia Steele Anastasia 

I am annoyed that as soon as you put some distance between us, you communicate openly and honestly with me. Why can’t you do that when we’re together? Yes, I’m rich. Get used to it. Why shouldn’t I spend money on you? We’ve told your father I’m your boyfriend, for heaven’s sake. Isn’t that what boyfriends do? As your Dom, I would expect you to accept whatever I spend on you with no argument. Incidentally, tell your mother too. 
I don’t know how to answer your comment about feeling like a whore. I know that’s not what you’ve written, but it’s what you imply. I don’t know what I can say or do to eradi- cate these feelings. I’d like you to have the best of everything. I work exceptionally hard, so I can spend my money as I see fit. I could buy you your heart’s desire, Anastasia, and I want to. Call it redistribution of wealth if you will. Or simply know that I would not, could not ever think of you in the way you described, and I’m angry that’s how you perceive yourself. For such a bright, witty, beautiful young woman you have some real self-esteem issues, and I have a half a mind to make an appointment for you with Dr. Flynn. 
I apologize for frightening you. I find the thought of instilling fear in you abhorrent. Do you really think I’d let you travel in the hold? I offered you my private jet for heaven’s sake. Yes it was a joke, a poor one obviously. However, the fact is – the thought of you bound and gagged turns me on (this is not a joke – it’s true). I can lose the crate – crates do nothing for me. I know you have issues with gagging, we’ve talked about that and if/ when I do gag you, we’ll discuss it. What I think you fail to realize is that in Dom/sub relationships it is the sub that has all the power. That’s you. I’ll repeat this – you are the one with all the power. Not I. In the boathouse you said no. I can’t touch you if you say no – that’s why we have an agreement – what you will and won’t do. If we try things and you don’t like them, we can revise the agreement. It’s up to you – not me. And if you don’t want to be bound and gagged in a crate, then it won’t happen. 
I want to share my lifestyle with you. I have never wanted anything so much. Frankly I’m in awe of you, that one so innocent would be willing to try. That says more to me than you could ever know. You fail to see I am caught in your spell, too, even though I have told you this countless times. I don’t want to lose you. I am nervous that you’ve flown three thousand miles to get away from me for a few days, because you can’t think clearly around me. It’s the same for me Anastasia. My reason vanishes when we’re together – that’s the depth of my feeling for you. 
I understand your trepidation. I did try to stay away from you; I knew you were inexperi- enced, though I would never have pursued you if I had known exactly how innocent you were – and yet you still manage to disarm me completely in a way that nobody has be- fore. Your email for example: I have read and re-read it countless times trying to under- stand your point of view. Three months is an arbitrary amount of time. We could make it six months, a year? How long do you want it to be? What would make you comfortable? 
Tell me. 
I understand that this is a huge leap of faith for you. I have to earn your trust, but by the same token, you have to communicate with me when I am failing to do this. You seem so strong and self-contained, and then I read what you’ve written here, and I see another side to you. We have to guide each other Anastasia, and I can only take my cues from you. You have to be honest with me, and we have to both find a way to make this ar- rangement work. 
You worry about not being submissive. Well maybe that’s true. Having said that, the only time you do assume the correct demeanor for a sub is in the playroom. It seems that’s the one place where you let me exercise proper control over you, and the only place you do as you’re told. Exemplary is the term that comes to mind. And I’d never beat you black and blue. I aim for pink. Outside the playroom, I like that you challenge me. It’s a very novel and refreshing experience, and I wouldn’t want to change that. So yes, tell me what you want in terms of more. I will endeavor to keep an open mind, and I shall try and give you the space you need and stay away from you while you are in Georgia. I look forward to your next email. 
In the meantime, enjoy yourself. But not too much. 

Christian Grey 
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings Inc.

---------------------------





hahas. and u know, while reading that chunk in the book, i kept thinking of about you.
it was an all-too-familiar feeling.
its like a letter that u would write to me. it's so you. its really how the many uncannily similar actions and reactions that make me feel a tad guilty.
i bet that if u're still reading this now, u're gonna evoke the same feeling as i did when i first read it.




and so, upon completion of the book, i dun think anything's changed.
perhaps more... knowledgeable? hahas. i mean, in terms of issues such as BDSM, the cultures, the health and biological explanations to it.


certainly, i guess society is moving into that - pleasures for oneself is starting to overrule the whole value of chastity.  the value is being diluted and even, de-valued to a certain extent. the government can only do so much. social media can only do so much. and friends and only do so much. hahas. probably more damage than good. ultimately, i guess is really all up to one's individual values. how firm, unwavered, compromising, tempted, allowing, persuaded one can be. i guess its really tough to maintain that oldish early century conservative thinking. but really, what's the whole value, whole point of it?
honestly, i can't explain all so closely in words coz there's just too many issues.
but let's just say, be clear of what you want and where u are going.
i'm not even going to what's to be valued or not. hahas.







anways. sunday's 1st Contact trng for the 7s season went well for me.
somehow, i find myself more bold and less fearing. not that there's zero fear, but i think it's not affecting me so much as it did in the past. so.. good job!
hahas. the fitness part really reminded me what fitness is really is. hahas. i've probably been too comfortable with the sluggish level of fitness that i have... its also a difff kind of fitness from Touch. more intense perhaps? but yea, it left me aching throughout this morng. been long since i've felt this ive-had-a-good-and-hard-trng-last-night ache. the last few good aches were during HK inter-cities and that particular saturday where i had 2 games and 2 running events. but those aches were just running, bodily fatigue kinda aches. Contact trngs, as some of us would say... gives us the 'lllooooong by lorry' ache the next day. ahhahs.




today, had a friendly with the team that had to pull of the competition (due to their commitments). in fact, they are the only team that we lost to in the pool stages of the league. so today's 'friendly' was erm... intense. hahas. 6-6. we drew. ahhas and we didn't wanna go for the drop-off/ sudden death.

i mean, our team today consisted of players who weren't originally part of our Womens B. we've got some player's who's new and not exactly from our team, and we've also got the more experienced players from the A side. its a wide range and we're playing tgt for the first time. so if we win, i guess they would be like 'aiya.. they got better players what' and if we lose, it would look quite bad as (not rightful) Champions of the league right. so i guess, having a same scoreline is the best way out. HAHAHS.






oh wells. that's how life is right.
it's never fair.
because no one says life should be fair.
its just an assumption or an ideology that the society aims to pursue.
but honestly, nothing can really be quantified and be measurable and derived into a coefficient.





i want to be on an adventure in the mountains right now.
but first, $$$$$$$$$$$$.

a great awesome Monsoon season

Thank you for a great Monsoon season.
(the collage maker can only fit 9 images though there are more awesome team-mates out there.)
[btw, my phone camera function camera crashed again- 24hrs after collecting it back from the service centre. but since i've had a good day, lets not whine about it here.]

thanks for balancing out my life. having a reasonably tough sch life + a great Touch season is really all i can be thankful for. i think this is one of the best season. from the beginning of training during yr-end last year till STL, till Hong Kong Intercities and end of the long STL journey.

Womens A- 2nd
Womens B- 1st
Mixed A - 1st
Mixed B - 2nd
Mens - 1st

that's all the categories in the league and we're the only club to have dominated the finals. (:

(we really could have won the Mixed B though. still abit 不甘心. but oh wells. hahas)

i really dun think that skill and all was the main reason y we won. but all the heart we have and the effort we put into the training and additional fitness at Kallang Track. skill is probably a bonus, but other clubs have their fair share of talented players too. what brought us thus far is probably how family-ish this club has grown into especially for this season; despite all our differences and wide range different kinds of ppl. i.e students to teachers to CEOs... 18 - 36 yrs of age and so on.

we are not afraid to be ourselves.

we are not afraid to learn and grow through challenges.

everyone values everyone not because how good we can be or what we can provide for each other, but because we want to bring the best out of every individual to make it an excellent team effort.

we leave no man behind, literally.

players who are really so darn good at what they are doing are also so darn humble about it because i guess one sees no point to flaunt their talent but to just use all of it to bring the best out of those around. we dont really judge ppl as how the world does it well, but we just make sure that everyone is feels welcomed in the Monsoon family.

today's finals was probably a good display of how far we've come in this season. we only had 1 mens finals, but literally, almost the whole team was down to support each other with mindless pongpongs and with those long tube-ish looking stuff that when u hit together, it buzzes out a airy sound. (idk whats that, but thats not the point). past seasons, u know, some team members dun even turn up for games coz of last min probs let alone trngs. this season, we're really subconsciously making effort w/o really making effort to support each other in whatever ways we can.

and u know, for the Women's team, we've got 2 guys from the Mens side to help coach us. sounds nothing great right? but, if they're sacrificing sleep time to come early for our games, organize stuff, have their own meetings, send out emails, bothering our ever-so-random-and-out-of-topic-whatsapp-group-chat and even taking time out from their own training with their mens team to come and train us.... all this w/o being paid..... how's that manageable if u dont have the heart in it? Clifford and Edwin, both very busy ppl in their working lives, are the 2 fathers of the team. They're the senior memebers of the club and are the ones who've got so much heart for a bunch of whiny girls who can be quite hard-to-manage at times. hahas. all the words spoken to us with so much fatherly tone to it, and even paying so much attention to our welfare before and after the games are really beyond what 2 guys who are probably big shots in the corporate business world. yea, and not to mention, clifford missed his wife's own sporting competition (also the finals) just to come for our finals. a bunch of kids over his wife leh!!! but really, if its not for them, i dont think the title would be in our hands. that's the kind of difference they are making. so for that, thank u so much for everything. 

for the Mixed side.

hahas. what can i say.

drastic ups and downs. but from there, it really shows that if we are focused enough to do it and want it, we can really perform further than what we physically can and that's what T.E.A.M really means - Together Everyone Achieves More. its cliche shit, but its's pretty clear in our games.

in the (mixed up) pool stages, we could actually drew with a team that's in the A-pool who made it to the finals of the, A pool when we didn't have enough numbers on that day as well. it's all because we were all out to play our hearts for each other, using our strengths to make up for other's weaknesses. i rmbr how hard we defended till i think it shocked the opponent.  But when the finals came, because we probably weren't on the same page, things fell apart and we lost a game that is ours to own (also basing on past scorelines). 

and really, i must admit, its really this yr that i started to move out from my self-constructed safey-cage and not be afraid of who i am.
all these years, i've probably got some minor self-esteem issues, i never like being the first starting 6. and my mentality affected my running lines... they weren't as penetrative as how it can be based of my physical capabilities, and i was just very concerned of how ppl think of me / how ppl looked at me / how ppl would judge me if i wasn't able to perform as i was expected. however this yr, i think i'm able to edge closer to just giving my best on the field w/o letting all this unnecessary thoughts cloud the way i can perform to the best i can be.
"giving your best" sounds casual and manageable, but really, asking ur heart.... how many times do we give our best till we can walk off the field after a game, fully saying that 'i've got no regrets at all'.


and from not wanting to be on the starting 6, i moved out of that and was even named for the 5 players to be on the field for sudden death in HK during the semis against the HK team. it was a first for me, and a very memorable one since everything turned out so Awesomely.
really, all i can say is a big thank you to my teammates for just being ourselves. no politics. not team issues nothing. i mean its not that they're non-existent, but we would resolve them asap #likkaprofessionaladult because we know that we've got each other's backs having each other in mind.

its really a long way for my Touch life especially from the tough decision moving from Pirates to Monsoon in 2010. i wouldn't say its a good / bad decision because in both clubs, i really enjoyed myself and have grown as a player on my part, but what i can really say about the move is that i've not regretted since. of course, there are the downs which made me question my decisions, but in those moments, i do have teammates or even ex-teammates to confide in and i really want to thank God for all these ppl.


and so, what's next?
ASIAN CHAMPPPPSSSSS in KL IN JUNE.
that's only in 3 wks time!


and i really hope that i can bring these positivity into my Contact games especially when the season trng is starting officially...... TOMORROW. hahas. somehow the Touch and Contact calendars seems to have gotten everything planned out for.






anyways.. some of them are hanging out tonight at Avalon while i'm stucked at home doing my project.
too much goodness isn't that good too huh. hahas
and ever since all the incidences during the last december, i'm becoming more and more careful at where i'm treading. good healthy fear i guess, but let it not overcome me.



thank God for today and everyone around me.

50 shades

my phone's rear camera crashed unexpectedly and its now in the hands of the technicians of Samsung Service Centre.
using my trusty nokia phone now. at its best.
full charge time: 30mins. time that it can last: probably 3 days or even more. hahas.
w/o whatsapp or the easy access to social media, life has indeed been a tad more peaceful. for the first 3hrs, it was quite difficult to adapt and to a point of reluctancy, but..... all these is just materialistic and really not needed for survival.

i mean, i had some impt on-going group chats for some arrangements and the all important emails especially when i'm in the phase of waiting the replies from the prospective companies that i'm looking from at part-time... but.. really... life is much more simpler this way.

infact, i'm actually enjoying it now. hahas.


was msging someone today to make some arrangements for a shoot. u know how easy it is over the smart phone to msg someone right. on this phone, after typing, u have to select to send, and confirm, and then wait for a 'sent' in reponse. HAHAHHAS. old school sia. secretly remising it.


long long time ago when you and i were closely msging each other, it was that same procedure. unintentionally, i've selected the same msg ringtone. so each time my phone rang, i thought of those long lost moments where we waited excitedly for each other's sms. HAHAS. then... nokia's *beeeepbeep. beeeepbeep* quite a nice feeling actually. hahahhahs.





and so, today.... no schoooool.
it was to the service centre and then off to work. didn't spend any time on the project.
worked night shift. no smart phone... so i brought my kindle along to read.

yep.
not really a reading-for-leisure kind of person... but, the book i've been reading now is... Fifty Shades of Grey. hahas. quite ashamed to say this out loud though. seriously, the book's got some issues man.  BDSM big time. its really likka text book for sex education or some sort, just more...perverse?
but yea, i must admit, the book makes you want to read more and more about it in defiance as it is undoubtedly... tantelizing. hahahs. i'm 3/4 way there, i'm quite proud to say that its not those erotic scenes that attracts me to the book, but how the r/s between the guy and girl is so.... wanting and unwanting in that sense. probably something i can associate with?

but really, in the Asian context especially Sg, its can probably pass off as porn in the eyes of our fatherly-ish government.
yea, and at times when i take out my kindle to attempt to continue reading that while eating, i realize both cannot actions cannot co-exist and i have to choose one. obviously, i choose the latter. hhahahahas.



ok. anyways. i should be doing the project now......

ignore this

if you said that the choice was to help the learning process coz its a challenging topic, i would be happy. but u said u guys anyhow choose coz it looks easier.. i think it made it all worse, for me that is.

iwanttotakeadaggerandkillmyselfatthismoment.

the conclusion

finally.
hahas. that's an understatement.




i've just home from the last day of school. its an unearthly time to be at home now and even to be blogging. will be doing my own fitness runs later in the evening.
its a rare sight to see this blogger page with a very well sun-lited surrounding. hahas.
probably this would make me more practical and rationale without having much emotions to distort my description of amplifying my thoughts.




well. what can i say.
1 year has passed. i just want to thank all the teachers and trainers not only for imparting their knowledge and sharing from their years of experience, but especially for their patience towards SAME 11. its especially a big group the school has every had; and 'rowdy' as some of u may call it, but with whatever the ways u've tried, thanks for helping the class to pass the modules.



1 yr.
definitely, my knowledge in Aviation has taken a leap, and a confident one towards the direction that i'm sure and clear in heading, steering away from the whole literal Business and Marketing.
with all the modules, though some technical bits can be so dry and literally down to just bolts and nuts, it has never failed to increase my excitement and interest for the planes and the whole Aviation thing.
i've really enjoyed the practicals the most, during the times at BAC and of course OJT. my favorable modules would be M11 which is about aerodynamics, structures and avionics (basically the whole mechanics about an airplane) and M15 Gas Turbine in which it finally answered by all-time kid question of "how do planes fly". it really shows that it we use something small, collectively and effectively, we can create wonders and do the impossible.
hahas. that sounded like a mission-statement-to-be.





as i was riding home, my mind was just running through some stuff.
1 yr.
honestly, i dont think i've made any true friends that would initiate any meetup/gathering with me 5 yrs time.... except the ones i've made from OJT. hahas. really.
i've struggled to be patient, to be understanding, some paid off, some took a wrong direction. but whatever it is, i'm clear that my intention is not to hurt anyone or put anyone down. all i wanted was a conducive environment for learning though it was a challenging feat indeed.
perhaps my expectation for the class and those around was high.



idk. you can be the judge here.
while lesson is going on, all i expect is ppl to be silent and at least respect the teacher. during lesson, ppl would be talk away, and sometimes not even whispering. audio sounds from the phone off youtube is clearly audible... even sometimes with the earphones on, it can be so loud that it buzzes right through them.
ok fine. sleep. some snore when they sleep. i can't really blame them. but really, if u're the one trying to get ur ideas across and teaching ppl stuff for their own good, i dont think its nice to do that? sometimes i really want to question all these people- why are they really in class. if its just to get the exam tips and blitz ur way through, ok fine. just dun condemn those who really want to grasp the concepts well and make it a mockery out of what's sincere and un-hurting.


most of the time, i can't contain it i just would let out a ssshhhhh.
to them, its offensive, rude and invasive.
maybe it is. but if i kindly told them to keep the noise down, would they really listen and respect me in return? its not that i've not attempted. but failed attempts in the first few months has allowed me to realize that some things just gotta be done through the more direct way.
and when i do so, i get all the shit back at me.



just today, i just wanna say vent out one more incident.
our class got one more make up lesson and we're supposed to allocate ourselves into wed, thurs, and fri.
learning from the past mistake, i hurriedly ask one of my friends to put our names down on WEDNESDAY, thinking that we've confidently secured a place at the time slot (just like how it went for the project)
.
..
...
....
.....
....
...
..
.
and at the end of the day, another friend told me, "eh u know our group is on thurs right"
i was like.... WHAT.
apparently, those group of ppl wanted wed so they pushed ours to thurs.
EH.
what is this.
no consent from me. no asking. nothing. what if i'm really busy on thurs?? how?
first is the group project. now its the time slot. idk what and how did it happen, but i was just so blardy frustrated and disappointed.
ok. to a point that i didn't and couldn't feel a thing anymore  it was very very short-lived, (2 mins of anger perhaps) because, i was just so numb and immune to all these unfairness, impolite, inconsiderate, disrespectful acts.
that's probably their way of life and upbringing, and i'm just a girl who's got no control, no say and no place in the class.
it probably took me tooooo long a time (11months) to figure out that in this class, my focus should really be just blocking everything out to focus on my studies, instead of implying ways to do so to others. sometimes, being individualistic the the best way to go. though seemingly selfish, at least u dont get hurt and efforts wont be wasted.






i dun want to talk abt racism here.
but clearly, racial harmony wasn't properly inculcated across the schools in Singapore as much as the government tries to do so through Racial Harmony Day, Social Studies and so on.


i used to think this problem existed vastly in primary schs or even in secondary schools, especially with ppl from broken families or just coming from a very sad family environment. but after this 1 year, i guess my horizon has really broadened. hahahas.
this is probably a very real problem that cannot be settled so definitely. though all's so unspoken, it really shows.
i dont wanna dwell about it here. but i really wish that everyone can stop practicing social discrimination through our actions even though we dont verbalize whats going on in our head.






and so. i've gone through quite a no. of 'last day of sch' but today's one special different one.
at 4.50pm, it was clear that most of us can't wait to depart and go our separate ways.
hahas. perhaps it's coz we've still got one more project to be submitted (though its to be done at our own group's time and target), but there's no form of celebration, gathering, thanksgiving or whatsoever done in class. done is done.
from my experiences, limited but enough to have a vague expectation, usually, it was the best time to express well-wishes, sort out any misunderstandings, or at least say our final good-riddance to the ones we just can't get along in a sincere & jovial way... but today, no good-byes. good riddance indeed. hahas.
it was just the usual opening n closing of the room doors, timing out and thats it. even though our paths and light of sight crossed each other as we exit the sch premises in a common everyday pattern, it was still a common everyday pattern, with no acknowledge of each other's presence and so on.



and so. that concludes my almost 1 yr in attc.
i thank u all the experience. really. for all the good and all the bad.
though mostly bad, at least it has indeed broadened my perception of the different kinds of ppl that i'd be meeting and also, to have a proper management to my level of expectations.
i dont think i'm being proud and haughty, but least to say, some ppl really need to learn to respect others. and i've not talked about the P&Ps R&Rs. (Process and Procedures, Rules and Regulations). what's more, Aviation is probably the industry with those of P&Ps R&Rs at the highest of standards because Safety is paramount. really, i dont wish to see any of you commiting actions that would endanger the lives of others by leaving ur spanner in the landing gear or whatsoever, so from here, though i highly think that none of u will stumble across this page, i wish u guys all the best.






whatever you do, just dont jeopardize the safety of others.
that's probably my main concern and honest word of advice to u guys especially if u've chosen the Aviation route.

忍忍忍

wahhh.

this is probably the most challenging mental test of the year.
i really super frustrated that i can break the wall.
i really wanted to cry out loud in the toliet to let it all out but i realized i've got no more tears to waste like that.
tears are meant for good things or things worth ur deepest feelings and not all these nonsense.



bascially, we've got 9 project titles to choose from. 1 group 1 since we've got 9 grps.
the previous teacher say can over lap, means 2 groups can be doing on the same title.
then today, another teacher say cannot.

nvm.


our group decided on Engine alrdy. there's 2 titles about it.
THEN. 2 groups rushed up to tell the tchr that they wanted to do those 2 titles. and the tchr conveniently started to agree that yup, thats the time we all should submit our choices.
there's no form of fairness / control or whatsoever. THANKS.
so in that sense, 'we lost the bid'.
but fcuk. the 2 groups that we 'lost' to is that 2 groups that's been causing so much trouble.


then i got damn bloody upset. coz i was preparing for that project arldy. and i'm sure they havent started.but thats not the point.
if i lost the bid to other groups, i still can take it... but to this 2 groups that's been consistently trying to hurt me.......................




really.

if u're in my class u'll understand the situation.
i can't find the reasonable strength to go and explain everything out here coz that would make me feel pathetic.



then i thought to myself again.
where's all my grace and forgiveness.
i find myself quite digusting, to a sense that i've really stooped down to their level.
my thinking become so messed up and like... where's all the forgiveness, grace and charisma man.
i kept thinking. struggling.
i tried to move out mentally.
and i found it so tough.



but those words that u said about me last friday....?! about me trying to gain sympathy by sitting outside the table was like.. wtf. when i think of what u've said, i'm still astounded, appalled, shocked that u're able to come up with that. me, marian, seeking for attention like that? sorry hor. that's not my style. if i really wanted sympathy, i will either go directly to a person that i can confide in or hide myself in the toilet and not like put public display or what.
what's more, i've once considered u as a friend. once.




but like i've said. there's really no one on this earth u can give ur full trust right.
even the nicest guy would betray you and hurt u when u're most off guarded.
trust no Man.
Man as in human, boy and girl, but more applicable to guys since as girls, we would probably have that subconscious mind to place all hope that we've got in the opposite gender if u're straight that is. hahas.
another topic of expectation?
lets not go into that again.





anyway. the point is, i'm just so vexed. partially is coz i can't do about Engine.
but more so, on how i responded to the situation.
i could have been more professional and steadfast by accepting any other challenges.
i mean the other titles are not that difficult. but they're boring... some about human factor, some about a/c starters, some about cables and wires.... i mean compared to Engine.. is like taking a peanut and compare it with a... nutcracker. hahas. ok, idk what kind of metaphor was that. but yea.
but to loose out to them is liteally a face-palm moment.



so now i think i'm doing about cable/wires or smth. whatever. not at that level of discipline yet.
the challenge now is how to expand on that to make up the given content number of pages and still keep within the project focus.





ok. now that i've blog all this out, i'm ready for tmr.
been super moody can.
LAST DAY OF LESSON TMR FOR THE WHOLE COURSE.
good riddance.
just left with the project + presentation, and I'M DONE WITH THE SCHOOL.
just fyi, i love schooling, but not the school.




pardon me for the colourful language here.
thats very uncouth and uncivilized.






UGGGGGHHHHHHHHH.
move out.
move up.
move on.




Aviation is much more than this
Life is definitely more more this.

忍

忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍 忍

I'm blogging through my phone now coz I am very very very very very very frustrated.

Urghhhhh.
Really 不甘心.

Control.
Maintain.
Let go.

God, pls grant me peace. Amen.

finals + Energizer Night Trail Run

wahhh. what a lonnng day.

morng, 9am at turf city for Finals.

and so, we got Champions for Womens B and Runners up for Mixed B.

then 3pm, the 3km Obstacle race.

was quite tired from all the lactic acid build up from the morng games.

felt like i wanna die after the tyres coz it felt like high knee lifts. but the whole race wasn't as bad as the Men's Health Urbanathlon. maybe coz there was the kids category too so they couldn't make it too hard. ran with my camera!

this was the most fun part for me.

the slide down was the scariest! so steep. maybe this is what it feels like when u jump off the escape slide of an aircraft. hahhaha.

and all hail the legendary milo van.

milo from this van is always at its best.

with 4 hours to kill, i went to the Singapore Zoo to chill since it was the nearest chill-able place.

ate KFC zinger meal for lunch.

and i really had a goooood rest.

8pm. 6km night trail. 

ran with my phone this time. (the nicer photos taken off fb from the event page)

it wasn't that bad after all! i thought i would die, but maybe coz i psyched up for the worst so it wasn't that bad. i took it slow though. stopped along the way to take many photos. and my s4 did well for a camera phone. u know, i still can't believe i owe a S4 coz the phone's so excellent.

idk how my classmate spotted me in the dark while i stopped to take photo. hahas. 

and after the run, i saw farocks. HHAHHAS.

i came home. and it was like 1030pm alrdy.

had a good bath. and its been long since i've enjoyed one.

the morning games left my sb wet throughout... so i was just damp for the whole day.. for more than 12hrs. but its a good thing that i did not fall sick.

ate some snacks and didn't even know that i slpt on the sofa till about 4am then i went back to the room and sleep.

and this morng, woke up after sucha deep slp (though with mild cramps in the night) hahas.

didn't go church and nua all the way and catch up on my sleep debt.

and so.. HAPPY Mothers Day!

thank u for all the nagging and watching me attain my small square hat to a big one.

and thank u for being my best playmate even till now, though u're 2nd best to father poon. ahahs

i just want to thank God for saturday and keeping me safe. my lower back and knee was able to hold up well! quite satisfied and happy. i hope this will encourage me to do my best in my sporting endeavors and not be lazy on my fitness but be disciplined about it!

(: