moving on to 2019

hi. as busy as i always am, i try to make it a point to reflect and sum up the year in 1 blog post.
1 word to describe it: B R U T A L
this is also the year i learnt that "u'll nv know how strong u are until being strong is the only option."
its like just when i thought that life couldn't get anyworse, my bike key broke at 3am, 1 wk before exams.


this year, i rmbr struggling so so much. everyday, everything is about you.
i think i might have gone into depression.
i rmbr crying randomly... sometimes while i'm riding home or something. its not those like teardrops by tear drops, but it's those kind like flood gates open and mucus all over kind. it was weird. i mean, i do think of u every day, almost every moment, but though it seems like it just a constant thought, somehow, something just triggers.

i really wanted to seek legit professional help. but 1. i dont have the money, 2. i dont need such records tied to my NRIC coz i think i'm better than that. i mean, just to document it down here, i was actually suicidal at some points. but i allowed my ego to shine through, to at least preserve my life to those who can love me for who i am. not point ending this physical life just to bring hurt to those around. its really not worth it though the pain brought by just 1 person can be so so immense. besides, the holding thought was that mother poon still needed me, as much as i still needed her in my life.

so with that, i saw another side of me.
i could really be so damn broken.


this year (2018), was alot about searching.
i was trying to find my identity. i forgot what i liked, what i loved.
for the past 4 years, everything i did or think was about you. so when you left, it felt so empty that i didn't even know what clothes to wear go out. for those years we've spent tgr, everyday i've been trying to adjust to your liking. so w/o u, it seems that i've lost a purpose and a direction.
so when you told me that all i did was selfish, i really went to reflect.
all i could get out of those darkest times was that my love wasn't enough for u because u couldn't love me for who i am despite all my efforts trying to change myself to who u wanted me to be.


i was still very uncertain about my life. i mean, i still am even till now though, but in dec, it suddenly got much better. i guess coz this yr, i could finally go out and meet with all my friends. i mean, i dont like to really socialize, but i just like to catch up with ppl whom i've grown up with, who values my time and heart. i dont think i need any validation from anyone, but just through dinner and conversing normally with friends again, i realize, though i've lost you entirely, i managed to get my friends back.

with work and studies, very little time was left for my/our family and friends. my family came first, then ur family. then, we had very litttle time for ourselves together, and really no time left for our friends. u also didn't like that i hang out with my guy friends, which is also the dominant gender of my friends given the routes i've taken up in life.
i still rmbr that u resented the fact that going out with me meant that u couldn't do OT. ur 3on2off gives more days for OT as compared to my 4on3off; though it also meant little sleep time for u. who doesn't want/ need to earn extra cash right. i've been working so hard, and trying to save up on stuff but i ever once thought that giving up OT for u wasn't worth it. but oh well, i'm not worth ur time anyway, so that explains alot.

unfortunately, i still love you. i'm still trying to digest the fact that someone who was once the closest being on earth to u is now a complete stranger. i thought we could be friends still, but to you, i'm such a dirt and trash that keeping up with a friendship with me just waste all of ur time and energy. i get that.
i'm just so damn hurt. and for that, i will never accept a guy like u back in to my life. it's just so so damaging. i became so ugly. i didn't like who i was. u didn't want me to be kind to others. we all have our pasts and struggles, but that shouldn't stop us from being kind towards others. there's a fine line being kind and stay safe/ protected. but i think if everyone's insecurities stops us from being kind, this world is going to be a cold, dark place. its funny how u call me selfish but u stop me from being kind to others, whatever the reasons.

anyway, i just hope that you wont do such damage to other girls again. pls. ur friend has also hurt me bad but i dont wanna rmbr that and go down to her level of reasoning since u've chosen to trust her. but for the girl who u think (and i hope) u're loving now, i just hope that u'd learn how to be selfless. u'd learn to love someone for who they are and not inflict self harm. if she can bring u happiness, i'd be really glad that finally someone could make u smile and not tired and upset all the time.


so, 2018 is all a blurry dark struggle.
probably 90% was all about u.

studying was just my antidote to get away though it's also the source of the stresses. i did 6 mods in 2018 July sem. i worked so damn hard. it was so painful, and i sacrificed so much. too much. my hardwork was validated with the 3As and 3Bs i got. i wished for better grads for some of the mods, but i can't regret anything coz i really really commited and gave my best. sometimes i'm not sure if the sacrifices are worth it, but i think God for those who stayed, especially (lonely) mother poon for being understanding. it was clear that i lost u in the process, but it did teach me alot about people in general.

though u're so not worth it come to think of it, i do foolishly think that u're worth it to me. it's only because i know that my love for u was real and true. though it may have been one-sided, at least i knew that i loved u with my all, and also discovered that i could love one human so that much.

this year, also because of u saying that i'm selfish, i evaluated that this 2nd degree is probably a selfish decision. because of passion, i gave up a $5k/mth job, to be a technician. i gave up money for the family just to study. i gave up time for my friends and family for time with you which totally backfired. but also thanks to you, it's only in this year that i thought of giving up this job that i love the most. i really love my job. it does pay well, but not now. we're looking at about the next 5 to 10 yrs time? so we'll see again after i grad. i got some plans going on, but we'll still again and i hope taking another long route will be worth the journey.


there's no end to earning more money. but i'm probably abit ashamed of myself that though i'm reaching almost 30, i can't spend money on my family as and when i want to. like, i can't bring mother poon far away for holiday or to like some European countries. i can't like give her more money to spend. i can't like go to an expensive restaurant and let her order all the expensive food.
i mean, let's not talk about nice cheap food la. i'm just saying that i can't spend money as and when i want to.
speaking of which, 2018 is also the year i finally take up all of the family's expenses. i applied a sub card for mother poon to spend on her groceries. as the years go by, though i can't up her monthly allowance, i'm literally carrying the family's expenses. money is really tight esp with all the sch fees.
but on a good note, i dont have u now, so i can spend lesser. u never liked anything i got for u anyway. the most useful thing u recieved from me is probably the microSD card for ur phone so u can store more media, but u unfortunately lost ur phone. haha, just not meant to be. yea, and i hope ur ego wont stop u from using the expensive branded wallet i got u. hahah.

ok for the record, probably as a selfish means, i did try to open my heart abit. i used Tinder, i played okc. hahas i loved those self-checking questions. its like self discovery siol. hahas. i chatted with a few ppl, but i realized, the more comfortable i get, i start to get very reclusive. i'm just so afraid to get close to anyone anymore. this 1 year has been so damn tough getting out of u. i'm still trying to hold it there and not sink back in to the dark abyss everyday, but i'm just thankful that darkness doesn't sting as much now. but having said that, i dont think i'd wanna open my heart to anyone right now. i just can't afford to.


i'm just glad that i have more time for mother poon and my family.
the last few public hols, i actually went swimming with my sis and pillioned her for the first time in almost 9 yrs of riding. i'm talking to my sis abit more also, and towards the end of 2018, i think its the first time in our lives that we're really talking. still not f2f, but just over the text.
i mean, its never bad with my sis, just that in all our years of living, we're brought up to be independent.
perhaps our independence does threaten the egos of the male counterparts, but i hope that as we learn to depend on someone who wants us to depend on , that respective person can learn to accept and respect us for who we are.

no trips this yr, except the UK trip i went because of school.
finally finished that vid and will be posting up here soon.

so now that i just have mother poon and i. i guess its abit better? 1 less worry. hahas
there's so many things in my life that needs sorting out still. other than my photos, media, sch stuff, my room and endless materialistic things of this world, i'm still learning everyday.


sorry that this post is so choppy and unorganized, but i've just too much to say in the battered heart.
there's still more that i wanna say, but i needa go off now.



lastly, i just want to thank God for this year.
really.
i'm not thanking Him just because it's only right to do so, or like oh.. let's thank God for another year. but this 2018, really. i dont usually rmbr the tough days, but somehow, i think i'll rmbr 2018. too much tears. too much weighted thoughts. and i guess, i could have ended with 2018, so i'm thankful that His grace and mercy didn't allow that.
i dont want to look back, but i still rmbr how memorable and great 2016 was. 2017 2018 is like an ultimate lead up to the darkest days of 2018 and ironically, these are the years when u said we're tgr. haha. it really seemed that we're better off lingering around as close virtual friends from end 2014, to 2015 and eventually 2016. haha, perhaps we're better off as virtual existence. but i still hope that one day u'll learn, and u're also learn to see the possible goodness of humanity and the unending love from God. i hope she'll be a vessel for Him to shine through ur thickest walls, eventually.


oh wells. i dare not expect for an easier 2019.
but i guess this episode has taught me back to be a silent fighter once again. i thought life could get easier when someone thought me to depend on him. but it's a fact that we can't depend on anyone but only on ourselves with God being our Captain. i'm not saying this with strong conviction, but come what may; coz i know i can survive another year, and even be a better, and more giving person.
i should not let any individual stop me from shinning through especially if that individual is you. what matters is family. and only blooded family stays in my case, so i thank God for that.


[i'll probably come back and edit this space again]

unexisted and better off alone

ever since that first dm, there has never been a day when i never think of u at all.
exams have passed. u were still in the midst of all the differentiation and fourier transform.
brought my fam to KL, with a mind full of you.
so many things are trying to fall back to place, but my soul just can't find a place to rest.

perhaps it is in this state of constant inner turmoils that is my equilibrium. and i guess i'll just have constantly learn to adjust.
the good thing is, the strong urge to text u has subside, bc i know that there's someone else who better worth your time. unfortunately, i still wish to be by ur side to see u smile and her ur warm voice again. but then again, knowing that my presence upsets you, it's better for everyone that i just continue to understand that i was never part of your life and i dont exist anymore.
the pain is still very must raw and there. and though time doesn't heal all wounds, i have learn to accept the pain and take it in with my daily strides.
i still wish u could see through one of ur friends. but ur happiness shouldn't be my concern since she can take care of it; and it does seem that trying to not exist in ur life does bring happiness to you.

honestly, i do feel very damaged. like i've turned your hate towards me and brought it upon myself. i hate myself so much that now i've turned reclusive. i dont want to make any more new friends nor bother to really spend time with friends i love, other that my real blooded family.
people eventually leave. its only that your family don't. and the best part is, its is only your family members who accepts you for who you are. so in a way, i thank you for showing me that.

i just find if abit difficult to deal with the void made by someone whom i thought i'd be spending the next 60% of my life with. but then again, it seems that i'm really much better on my own, and since you've told me to get out of ur life.
and honestly, i am still puzzled why u suddenly turned into a monster towards a monster you've built like me. i'm sorry for not being the perfect girl you wanted me to be. but i do feel that you shouldn't really treat me like this since all along i've been trying to change for you just to make u feel happy. if changing for you made me someone whom i isn't, which caused you to stop loving me, then i'm really confused.

for you, i've lost my identity. i dont understand what i like and who i really am anymore.
its been over a year now and if time filters out all the details to bring out clarity of the big picture, then it all becomes a blurry now. perhaps this blurry is due me living in denial, built by ur violent words etched deeply in my aching heart.
everyday is a painful day. i'm owning these pain now. i'm digesting all these cuts in.
but it is just so, so sad that at the end of the day, it is the man that i love the most that caused all of this. i didn't want it to be u, but it is.

honestly, i do feel that my outlook in life is ruined. my efforts for the future is now wasted because i'm just so filled with pessimistic views and feigned optimism. but one good thing now is to know that i now know how to not bring myself into a situation where i can hurt anyone anymore.
i dont think i cant open up my life to anyone anymore too. and even if i do, i shouldn't care abt anything else other than just earning more money so that i can bring mother poon out for more hols and let her live a more comfortable life.


as always, i turn to God for strength. i'm disgusted that when with you, i didn't put God as my priority, only running towards Him only when i think i needed Him since u were always the first option. while with you, i always prayed for God to be a foundation for us and to tear down the walls inside your heart. perhaps God has other, and always better plans for us, but i'll need to learnt to accept that in faith. my faith has been shaken a little abit, but its good that i still know that God hasn't left me. most of the times, i feel so undeserving to be going to God with all my problems, but through this whole episode, God still shines through.

i find that amazing though. its like, i feel like my think layered and thickened mud, built by all my insecurities and hurt has blocked His light. but somehow, His light is so damn strong that it shines through all the cracks. the harder i become, the brighter God tries to shine through. He is my saving Grace and i think God that those N. Thailand mission trips has been my eternal validation that God is real.

its like, before i can even question if God is real, He is real. there's like no doubt about that since things dont just happen is such sequences. coincidental or not, there is a certain extent that faith is the truth. as mentioned a thousand times on my blog, i hope that my blog can encourage ppl and bring joy to ppl, hope that my life can lead by example.

as of now, i'm still disgusted by who i am. i know that i'm a child of God and it makes it all more confusing. i'm not trying to comprehend how deep God's love He has for us. but i just hope that i can be a better person for Him and mother poon.
i dont want your horrible actions to be my final validations; so i really need God's strength on this.
i still love you and hope that u're well. i just hope that u dont hurt anyone else anymore and i'm also glad that she has God with her. i just hope that God can continue to use her and work with her even more to heal whatever brokenness u have in this world, and eventually see what love is all about.
though i haven't got a clue to what love all really is about, one thing for sure is that my love for you isn't enough or 'right' for u. perhaps u didn't love me for who i am in the beginning, whether it is intentional or not, and i dont think i'm in any position to question anything about us.

i'll still be keeping u in my prayers every night. and i dont think forcing u out my thoughts is going to be kind on myself. perhaps it is not being fair to whoever is with u now, but i just want to keep this part for myself. i still miss u very much and i hope to stop all of this nonsense forever and focus on more important things in life.


hang on little fighter,
just one step at a time.
even if that one step takes another 10yrs, it's still a step worth hoping for.

We Started Out As Far Away Ones.

we started out as far away ones,

even further now with the same setting suns.

i try to turn to science

it could have been our the 2nd year.

2 years ago right now at this time, i was sitting at our place, waiting for ur break time to come out just so we could talk like how we always so under ur void deck.
i rmbred i brought my laptop along, to try and get some work done since it was during the same season when exams were fast approaching.
i was figitive. jittery. apprehensive. nervous. excited. yet feeling comfortable that i was gg to hear ur voice again.

i rmbred how i was rational about the irrational decision to ride down all the way just to have a chat with you- coz we just felt the need to.
it was after a collegue's wedding. i was tired. i had abit (within legal limits) of alcohol in the system from all the toasting during the wedding. i was home, texting you while u're at work. i was still in my black top and black skirt-shorts kinda thing for the wedding. it was about 1am.

we missed each other.
we didn't say it. but we knew it and we felt it.
but we knew we couldn't say it coz we were so aware of our own personal struggles as individuals.
i felt like you were the one only who could untie the knots for me then while i naively felt like you allowed me to tread in your dark valleys.

hence, i made several u-turns after riding off my bike from my cp.
i think it was at least 3 to 4 u-turns at various locations.
i was afraid that we could be something together, like really take all these feelings and baggages and move on knowing very well that i wasn't ready while u weren't sure.
i wanted to, but i really know full well that i shouldn't have met you on that day.
perhaps its that few glasses of wine that let those walls come down and soon enough, i was on PIE (changi), riding at 60km/h coz it was cold and i was still wasn't sure if i was doing the right thing in life about my life and about ur life.

pity that i didn't blog about all the emotions then. it would be interesting to be now reading all those feelings then. i guess while i had you with me all the time (over text msges) i didn't need to blog / use here since you had my heart in the warmth of ur hands. good days or bad days, i'd turn to you. i didn't need this space coz u were my space.

but back at it, 2 yrs have passed exactly and i'm still relatively clear of what was going on all over inside even with that anti-diuretic agent from the alcohol still in me.
it turned out to be an important day.
in my opinion, it really shouldn't be that definitive since nothing was said or decided about our lives and path/s ahead. but then, all that feelings could be summed up into that one tangible friendly hug of departure. it was a normal friendly good bye hug since we're both so busy to meet with our clashing schedules. but because it was just so warm, so affirmative, so defining, i agreed to ur definition of the beginning of us.

i guess u wouldn't like me to share our moments we've had on public space.  but i guess u couldn't care less anymore. nothing i do, have done, have been doing, or doing right now has an impact on u since it was clear from u that i am of no significance to ur life anymore.


it still hurts very much.
i'm still at the airport, with my emotions being bigger than my physical tiredness from today's mornging shift. i've been in the airport for at least 20 hrs now, but everything rational is being overwritten by thoughts of you. again, i'm supposed to be writing on aerofoils and pressure distribution, but i just cant focus like this.
despite sitting here in the open public space, very much 24/7 in operation, i cried a few times. each time i do, i'd zip up my hoodie. coz i'm alone, and there's good policemen patrolling around, and i dont want to be seen crying in a place like this.
aerofoil aerofoil aerofoil. 1/2 rho v^2 S CL. and then, you.


i try to focus on the science of this heart break.
emoness, like any one of those signals being transmitted between synapses, which can in turn, bring about a voluntary or involuntary bodily reaction. but emoness, how does that transcend to a physically aching heart? i mean like take for example when u're hungry. the empty space in ur stomach makes those cillas/ glands feel empty. the acidity of the stomach juices being produced on the stomach walls causes hunger pangs. ur brain gets notified that u're hungry. so u'll go and find food. but emoness? caused by u. how does that work?
u're an external factor; unless i've internalized you? haha whuttt. it may sound wrong actually, but no. haha.
like even now as the sciencey part of this post has elevated the emoness of this post, my heart still aches. its not just a figure of speech. i really mean that my heart is physically feeling the pain.
each time i think of you like this, especially on such ex-big days, it's just so painful altogether.
does a sad thought literally pull a heart string / muscle fibre in the heart? does the signal send subtle shocks to those places? what really triggers?

like you know, pain felt by the body is actually a signal being sent to warn / caution ourselves to be careful and stop doing whatever that has caused the pain coz it brings harm to the body.
so, thinking of u makes my heart painful. does that mean i, my body is telling me that i should stop thinking of you for good?
i mean like, i miss my dad. i miss him alot. when he passed away, i felt that sharp pain in my heart. many years have passed and i no longer feel pain in my heart when i think of him or when i miss him. i miss him real bad on tough work days or nights, but i dont get such physical pain of the heart anymore.

perhaps its only 1 year that we've gone our separate ways. but how long more do i need this time? another 10 years? in life, we technically dont have many 10 years to give.
i guess i should be thankful that as of now, i've given 4 years of the life span of my heart to you?
everyday i've been thinking of u, and its not an understatement. its a fact... like ever since we started dm-ing on twitter, u were very much in my thoughts, especially on those few months when we unspokenly left a gap.

looking back, perhaps i was just wrong about you. perhaps u say all those words to every other girl u've been in a r/s with.. those "you're the only one that make me feel this way", "i love you because you are you" kind of words without actual weight.
perhaps, the rational side of me should have asked.. "in what way?" i bet u couldnt answer then coz there's nothing u love about me.

actually, we had this coversation before.. i still fondly rmbr when was it. it was when u welcomed me home from montreal and we had our first dinner/meal tgr. after that we went to t3 viewing gallery to do what we do best- talk about stuff in our lives. it felt warm though the aircond was so cold and i was feeling tired from the long haul flight. i rmbr u told me that u liked me for my loyalty, and to quote 'i like how you can challenge my thoughts'.. i but that was about it. i guess u couldn't live with every other thing about me and u couldn't handle the challenge eventually. ahahas.
u were subconsciously comparing me to society's norms of an ideal girlfriend since i myself was a perfectionist to be begin with. and i guess in those yrs, u were really trying, but i just wasn't enough. u wanted me probably also for ur own selfish reasons. so in the bigger light, i was the selfish one because i occupied too much of ur time. hence since time is limited, everything else, like time for our own families, for each other families' became real issues.work and sch didn't help. ur tennis and my rugby didnt't help.
our time spent together just made everything worse.
also because u were tired while i was seemingly forcing u to be happy by actions and intentions.
how naive i was then to think that u valued our time together.
how naive i was then to give in so easily.
how naive i was then to think that u really love me for who i am.
how naive i was then to think that u needed me to complete your life
how naive i was then to give up and sacrifice so much for you just because i thought it was worth it
how naive i am now to still love you so unconditionally.


so damn bloody girly all these issues.
icannot.
like really cannot.


the only solution is to just reconcile all these heavy thoughts and feelings about u. i read on somewhere that instead of fighting with urself to stop missing someone, just carry on. dont resist. dont resist the fight. its ok to miss someone, just dont let it affect your life. learn to reconcile with it.
i am trying.
but it doesn't help knowing that u've used my feelings while i lied to myself. it has really shaken my perspective on life and perceptions of people. like these few months, for some reason, i've been assigned to do SKH. each time is that reg, my heart twtiches abit. like today, i did her; or maybe i should call that particular ac a 'him'. hahas so messed up man, just like u. hahhaas.

now, its 02:47. around this time 2 years ago, u had to go back to ur aircraft.
i still rmbr how sad i was to depart from ur presence each time. even when we're tgt, even when we do coincidentally see each other at work, i'm surprised that found departures so hard; all that crazy butterflies while trying to be professional with our tasks. on some occasions, i rmbred i teared coz i missed you. like wth, i was with u less than 5mins ago. but oh well, from a time frame of 5 mins, its almost 1 year now. it only can get better right?
i guess i should head home now, and hope than next year during this time, i wouldn't realize that its 12oct.

okSocialMedia.

i think its funny how i've decided to come out of hiatus and start to blog randomly.
i owe this space too many valuable posts such as my 1st bromo trip back in 2016, my God-sent Montreal trip, and my UK trip just last 2 months ago, and the many spartan races and all. actually i've moved to blogging them via doing 1-2 min videos. but i guess its a really different way of documenting my life. blogging helps me to document my deepest thoughts and make those legit travel information more retrievable for ppl seeking help/info. so if i actually go back in time to try and recall and then blog all those moments out, i think it's not gg to be the same coz i definitely cant remember those exact feelings and emotions.

but anyway, i guess despite of the vast array of social media channels available as emotional outlets, blogging is still the fundamental place i can somewhat find solace is slowing down my thoughts and tangelize them into block words that i can be them typing out.
its funny how i dont really like how my deepest and loudest of thoughts are being made public; and neither do i care if anyone reads this, but i still find this space... therapeutic if you can call it.

i started blogging in 2003. whoas, that's like 15 yrs ago. the purpose hasn't shift since- i just hope my little story and inspire or help ppl find comfort should they happen to stumble on this humble, iritaing, full of complaints space. back then, it was like all teenage-growing-up years; the struggles, the confounding thoughts, the big life decisions days.... but actually, it hasn't really changed much since then huh.

ytd i was just watching some youTube vids on social media, and h2h interviews of ppl from the entertainment biz. i dont watch YouTube vids much coz i really dont have the time and energy too. i wished for more time to do so though. but ytd, i was really tired from night shift and couldn't just discipline myself to get my assignments going. exams are coming, and i'm just trying to control the worries coz i really duno shit about the mods esp when exams are about a month away.
so anyway as i was saying, most of us (the ppl in our age group) have lived through the age of how social media has transformed.

xiaxue shared about her blogging/ views of ig and how social media has become so much bigger than blogging, while influencers face real pressures from getting likes and followers. for the record, i like ppl like her and Hirzi, whom are influencers/ social media ppl / whatever you call them, whom are never afraid to speak their mind and deal with all the repercussions by taking everything in their stride.

ok actually, i'm not here to share my views on the shift of social media climate or like give some interesting views on mass comm and all.
as usual, i run to this space whenever my emotional loads needs some offloading.



its been almost a year since i've lost you. our birthdays for this yr just passed, and on my birthday, it was really, really an emotionally tormenting day. i wasn't expecting anything, but the heart just failed to be strong. its like.. not enough hydraulics power to sustain it. i've never seen or expect myself to be so....idk how to describe it to give an accurate 'measurement' of the pain.... but its like.. .i have discovered that i can actually be very emotionally needy for you. during those time spent tgr, i rmbr how u didn't like how i can be so independent towards our relationship which transcends to be being selfish. u didnt like tt i wasn't very jealous when u talk / hangout with ur girl friends and all. initially, like before unknowing trusting my whole life on you, i thought guys liked space. i thought like perhaps the more 'independent' ladies can also find some tlc in the guys whom they love and love back. but throughout those years with you, u've really trained me to be this emotionally dependant on a guy and i really really wish i can unlearn it.

some days i find myself trying to stalk you on social media, but u're the reclusive/ minimalist kind so its not easy. that's the thing about you. u're so contradictory, as much as u didnt really like the idea of posting my life on social media, u didn't like that i didn't post much of our time tgr. i'm always striving to find that balance what you wanted and what i could give so it wouldnt upset u, but it all just fails.

ok. actually, hahas. i'm really here today again not to talk about u. i mean, i've been thinking of u everyday even before we're tgr, and i'm still at this configuration. good and bad days, i wish i could still text you. sometimes i just can't contain it, so i'd like tweet my texts to you just so to pretend that i'm still texting u. no i've passed the denial stage and understood that u've not loved me for who i am,
its just that its just unfortunate to say that i still very much love you for u and all ur flaws that have hurt me bad. some days i wished that these are just habitual (and not intended) thoughts; so i try to recall and drill in those mean words u've said to me. but its like, i have said mean honest brutal heart-felt words to u before and the sian bottomline is, i love you. and when i love, i love fiercely because its not easy for me to love and trust 1 person so deeply.

rmbr how it took about 2 yrs of contemplation before getting tgr coz we're just so afraid of the same emotional issues. so i guess i shouldn't be surprised that it took u just about 1 yr to decide that u never really wanted me for who i am.
i guess i really should have known and be prepared to be emtionally tested out by u, but hah.. i guess i'm still girl and well, 'true love prevails' right?


ANYWAYS. so i've used tinder again last month. but stopped coz i'm just tired of mindlessly passing superficial judgements on photos and then swipping people i've not seen before. actually tbh, i dont intentionally go-and-search for  a life partner online coz i believe God provides whoever and whenever. so i was on tinder, just curious to see who of my circle of friends are on tinder. i've met some good friends, collegues and super like them and joked with them. idk if they felt offended or if their private life have been severely invaded, but haha, i still like bringing joy the ppl around me la.

so, my friend intro me okcupid. i decided to try it coz its interesting that you can answer some questions from a standard app-generated qns bank and then compare it with whoever u're... interested in. its about 2 days that i've started using the app, and i feel like its more... relevant than tinder? i mean like, if you have market data and more accurate information on the target market, u'd probably be able to do a more accurate profiling on the consumer base right?

me being the serious me, have set subconscious boundaries. as in like, tbh i'm still skeptical about entrusting your future with someone whom u've met online, but i believe we're (this age grp) all old enough to take in and let go. ok sounds deep. but its more like.. knowing when and how not to limit ur own opportunities at erm.. making friends?, while knowing when to go deeper into trusting person u've chat online to be ur friend. does it make sense?
i think it shouldn't be that technical especially since i was never the intentionally-go-find-friends to expand your circle coz really, given the amount of things i do in life, i really have alot of friends / ppl i know.
i mean, i dont want to go into the levels of friendship like from those hi-bye to those whom u've been through life and death with... but for me, i'm just happy with what i have, and i dont think i am searching.


tbh, i've been alone since u've left but i've never felt lonely. i never felt the need to meet anyone, and in fact, i found myself being more reclusive.. like u know, because of my busy schedules, whenever i can meet my friends (when they initiate a time) i'd make time for it and go whenever if it fits my schd. but this year round, i think its the first time in my life that i dont 'attend' the gathering and chose to do more.. solo 'me time' stuff like gg to our place to just look at planes, or like just go home and spend time with mother poon.
but recently, i've been chatting with a few guys via the app. sometimes idk if i'm not straight or what, but i dont get extremely excited when i have matches or when some guy msges back. partially i really think its because of you that still takes up a large proportion of the RAM memory of my heart. u're probably a big piece of SSD information.
idk if i'm under-valuing the app or what, or perhaps its coz of the past scars and current baggages, i dont feel comfortable to be talking daily nothings with people i've not met or done stuff in life tgr with before. like when its gets really comfortable, i get abit uncomfortable. i mean that's not the word to describe it.. maybe like... apprehensive? actually not really also... like erm...  just more defences going up. like MASTER CAUTON orange lights before the MASTER WARNING red lights go flashing. perhaps coz i'm also pretty tom-boyish, i converse very much comfortably  likka bro. i konw kh doesnt like that i'm likka bro to him, but if i'm comfortable, why do i want to make it not comfortable or text as how u'd like me to text u when its not going to be me right? that's another contradictory part you. u like me to be honest, but u dont like if when i treat give u the vibe that i'm ur bro. well, i really cant be sorry for that ,can i?

i mean like to put things into perspective, just today, someone msged me 'hey good morng'. i was like omg. ok, wait, not 'omg' coz like omg-a-guy-msg-me kinda thing coz i really dun like goodmornghowsurdayhaveueatenyourlunch kind of msges.... but 'omg' because it just feels like how i get secretly happy when u text me ur daily nothings. then i get all uncomfortable and thinking like.. eh i don want to go into serious shit yet but eh.. its just an innocent idontmeananything 'hey good morng' msg.
chill, sportspoon.

but i think i find it abit uncomfortable to be msging a few guys at one time. i mean, i dont think i should be placing too much 'value' on the msges much since its just 'open r/s', or like just talking abt bikes and places of travel and since if u're able to be on such a app, u should also learn to deal with ur own expectations. one guy asked if we could whatsapp him, but i kinda said i'm not ready to chat on whatsapp coz i'd prefer to just msg on that space, and he didn't reply. hhahahas. then there's also one guy whom wanted something else and when its clear i'm not in that direction, he stopped msging. fair enough. that's good actually, i think more imptly or rather, the fundamentals of msging someone is that, u shouldnt go around saying nice and not honest things just because u expect some form of reaction from someone whom u think its hot and stuff right.
but then again in this materialistic world, good honest man/women dont usually last long. whatever that means.

ok. ahhahs idky i keep sidetracking so much today.
i'm here today just because.... i guess coz i'm msging some guys via the app and i'm just wishing that one day i can swipe to see a KH, 31 or smth. idk. (i actually so a few KH, and my heart literally jerked, but its not a photo of u or antyhing...so nexttt). hahah. i dun wanna be confessing that i wish to be texting u via the app to start just as friends all over again. but i guess i have to be clear with myself that i'm not msging people just because i like the feeling of msging u.
i mean, its different.
i should be msging them because i like msging them, not u. so far, so good; good that i've been consciously clear and careful with what i'm msging and not lead anyone on or anything. but i'm just alittle afraid that i fall prey to the convenience of msging someone just because you can just msg so freely.

idk if u get my drift, but basically, just the pure basic respect of a human with a heart should be honoured even on such.... care-free 'no strings attached' app.


interestingly, i've had some h2h convo with some ppl i've not met in my life. some asked me 'what brings u here(to this app)' and i find myself asking myself.. 'oh ya uh.. y sia'.
i'm actually clear that i'm not on the app to intentionally find a lifelong partner though when the questions asked by the app is like.. here for ' new friends / hook up / short term dating / long term dating', i'd choose the latter, and even 'new friends'. hahas.
perhaps i'm just giving myself an opportunity. idk how to actually answer to that-  like opportunity for love? marriage? IDK. its not like i have alot of free time to text ppl also sia.
perhaps its all human mechanisms that we're searching even without intention. its just like this Discovery Chanel documentary that says that we're all crafted towards re-production of our species; there's actually a deeper and dark details to Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. eg.. like since birth as babies,its instinctive that the baby likes sucking the mother's nips, i mean also for milk. but that inclination of that sucking action as the baby grows up into a man is also for some other form of needs as the man progresses into his next stages of life -if u know what i mean. hahas. that's all in the pure science light pls.

i didn't expect this post to be long. it'st still pretty much in a casual mood unlike the past few heavy, full of resentment and near suicidal kinda post. ok, and i guess also coz its me to be honest, i'm probably here also coz should anyone from the app happens to stumble across this page, my intentions are clarified since its never easy to vomit all ur issues out with someone whom u've not seen in ur life. i mean, someone msged me my name coz he actually knows my name coz he watched a YouTube that i posted. ohhs eh. issit influencerPoonster. hahahahhahas



back to a update on my life..
its practically the same as the work-study config as with the last 3 yrs, just without u with me.
i actually wanted to blog on my bday coz i was so so shattered by my own self-inflicted thoughts and emotions. like not only i was struggling with thoughts of u inside my head and heart, i had a little argument with mother poon coz i wasn't spending much time with her coz of my work and sch schedule.. and on top of that, there's sch fees, bills, and groceries too.
i'm really not into celebrations and parties, but was abit sad that i didnt choose to spend time with mother poon on my birthday when i had time after morning shift. instead, i chose to sit at our place to watch aircraft and with some good ol music playing through my ear piece, over doing my assignments. i'm not sure if i should be proud of that, but yea, it was like 6-10.30pm of time to myself, and the aircraft and music, w/o much social media and shit.

i mean, i'm not all in a pathetic plight. but sometimes, its as simple as.... life is just tough.
tough if its in us to strive to do ur best, but the circumstances seems to not allow you to.
i mean we all can fck care and dont give a shit / like why make life so difficult for ourselves right. but that's also the beauty in the 'sufferings'. i'd be reaching the big THREE next yr, and i haven't hit some of the goals set in life. but as much as we can choose to regret, we can also choose not to live in regret and continue to give our best to those around and not expect anything in return.
well, its sad that at this age, i'm forced to cut down alot of my activities during this period of time.. like less rugby trngs, less gym, less climbing.. less gg for races and stuff. but lets just say there a time for everything and i hope tt mother poon can feel less lonely in a home when boeingpoon is no longer around.

negative runs, hopeless self

there's so much negative emo vibes in me that i can't get rid off.
pls stop reading this blog actually. all my posts for these few months have been about you and emo me. its quite sickening to some extent. i also hate it that my twitter is so bloody negative, but i dont have much options. and for my instagram, last time it was really all smiles and happy memories, but for this long while, i can't seem to positively post something from my current life. there's really not much joy i can extract from all the stuff that i do when it's without you, unfortunately.
these few weeks of sch hols hasn't been the most ideal. i finally have time to meet friends, but i just dont feel like meeting anyone. i just want to stay at home and acc mother poon and the kids or go out with them.

every single day, i can't stop thinking of you. mostly of the happy times and things i've always wanted to do with you but will never have the chance to do anymore. also, of your words that cut my heart up into pieces continued to do so like as if there's infinite pieces to breakdown into. till today, i can't believe or rather, accept the fact that what we've had was a facade and that u've never been happy at all. it really hurts to know that whatever i've been doing with ur well-being as my priority (sometimes over mother poon's) hasn't been enough, mostly misunderstood.
i try to think otherwise. like in that one year that we've decided to be tgr, u've never planned or initiated any dates (other than the dinner-movie date at seletar on my bday). y didn't i notice earlier? so does that make me self-centered for always trying to find time and plan for us to meet? you could have said no if u didnt want to meet. sometimes i just want to be alone but i thought u'd want to meet like how u'd always say u want to. but that's the thing- u always say stuff but dont do it. u never keep ur word. why do u tell me that u love me when u don't? why do i have to fall prey to all those sweet nothings?

i dont like myself in this desperate state. everyday i'm needing you, wanting u but on the contrary, i dont dare think of having a relationship with you again coz out of all the people i've met, u've successfully been the one to have hurt me the deepest, and also, the meanest guy ever. i mean, at least ppl can be honest about stuff, but u're never honest with me and it also seems that u dont like me being my honest raw self, just because you've never liked me.

i guess u've been trying to use me a replacement while i was trying to believe that you are the one that could finally embrace and figure my confounding mind. now that u've found someone else, it's so easy for you to just brush me away since i was really just a... tool / outlet for you. the most hurtful thing is that you dont even want this friendship anymore. in those 2 yrs before we got tgr, while we texted everyday, everything felt right. its only when we decided to meet and then be tgr, our worlds started crumbling down subtly. perhaps u knew, but u didnt know how to put it across to me while i was living in a lie and also shutting u off while u tried to tell me. but really, i think my dressing and how i like to fart at home or where i like to park my bike shouldnt be that of a big issue in all honesty.

ytd i tried to run 15km for the Be More Human Race, a virtual race by 42Race. i was actually doing fine till abt 8km. i reached ecp, and the floodgates of memories just opened. i looked at the blanket of stars and the planes that fly by. i thought of that night we lie on the grass under that same sky. but that night was also during the months when u've already given up on me. i shudder and chilled.
i ran past georges. it was one of the place i'd like to bring u to.. or rather, i wanted to run that route to ecp with u, and have dinner over some beers or wine there. now its no longer possible.
as i ran, i ran past tents. i did think of pitching a tent with u so we can sleep under the stars while therapeutically hearing the waves crashing into the sand. there's this tent that was really beautifully lighted and i really wywh.

i continued running. and reach the xtreme skate park. you used to do bmx. u'd tell me stories of ur teenage bmx days. and when i'm at ur place, u'd always tell me that 'see.. that's my bmx bike there', even when i've been at ur place many times. i'd like to watch u ride bmx someday, but that day will never come. so i just sat there, watch some teenagers do their stuff while i just thought about you.

it was almost reaching the 2hr mark since i've been out of the house, but i just didn't want to leave ecp. 7km more to go, and i didnt have much motivation or drive to carry on. i walked on.. and soon i was at the underpass, exiting ecp and otw back to bedok. by then, my legs were filled with the lactic acid, while my heart and mind felt so battered and bruise to continue running this alone.
running alone hasn't been so tough before you entered into my life. i  wanna take more in the msia north face challenge, but i can't pull through without you.

then i rmbred abt the King of the Trails run series that i signed up for. initially i thought we could do this trail run tgr. i hate running, but i know u love trail running, so i thought we could do this tgr. now that i know i'm gg to be doing this alone, i doubt that i can make it for the 18km and 25km. other that spartan races, i've never purely ran more than 10k. ytd was the first time attempting to run 15km, and clearly, it was unsuccessful. idk how i'm gg to run full on 18km and 25km. so i (broke my promise and) texted you 2 things: 1 was to ask if the watch u used during spartan had the auto pause mode activated; 2 if u wanted to take over the runs i signed up for coz if not like $$ wasted. none of my friends would like to purely run long distances.
well, you did not reply.
not surprising.
but disappointing.
tbh, i really wasn't expecting anything. but there's this hope. i think there's a difference between hope and expectation, but in anyways, the silence from you was again deafening. it amplified my disappointments and my 'sadness in life'.


i really feel pathetic.
for many years, all that i've been trying to build - a better and positive joyful me has been crushed by 1 man. really, i think i deserve better. not a better you, but someone who can understand me, understand my intentions without passing judgement just because he has his ways of his own. i thought you understood me. but i guess the more u tried to know me, the more defensive i get and hence the more walls u'd built. u were tired. but u didn't recognize that. i tried to affirm that, but you'd be just like me- defensive of ur own heart as well.

we're both the same really.
i hope that someday, she'll have more love to show you the greater love from our God. of course i'm trying hard not to be jealous of the fact that she's now got all ur free time especially when she has more free time to give, but i wish the best for her and you. perhaps a less independent girl with less of her own thinking will give u space to enforce ur actions on her, and she'd be more than glad to follow ur ways. i recognize that i have failed in many ways to make you happy, but given the circumstances and all, i can proudly say that i've really tried my best, just that it wasn't enough for u. perhaps it was more than enough. perhaps if i had stepped back and taken less of ur time to spend with u, u'd like it better. perhaps if i was more obvious that i was jealous, needed your attention and wanted ur raw self just like how u are when u're with ur friends, we could have make it.

all these perhaps.
i actually hope for a chance to start again.
but perhaps just as friends and never more than that.
i do hate u for being such a douche,
but i miss and love you more than all of that.

Pieces

Hate those $2 photo printing vending machines. I'd stop awhile to contemplate if i really wanted to spend $ on.... things that shouldn't matter. But i'd eventually succumb to that want of just having a piece of u closer to me. 

First photo was taken after august though.
I unfortunately looked back and revisit the happy memories, only to realize that they werent real. I shouldn't have tried so hard since u're alrdy tired of me. I guess the harder i tried, the more you'd get tired of me.

1 week has passed since we met. I asked for it.
I asked for answers and you. i wasnt expecting anything, probably in anticipation that u'd walk away after i read out my note to you - i had to prepped my heart for that. U didnt walk away which was probably one of the most responsible thing u did, but my heart wasn't ready to handle the truths that u finally decided to tell me. So for this few days, every sentences u spoke continued to occupy 80% of my working ram memory. I dont regret meeting u, but i guess i really regretted opening the door when i didnt want you to come in. No, that is not a figure of speech but in actual fact, if i had hardened my heart then and didnt allow us to move further by opening that door, perhaps now we still could be really good friends.

No on likes to lose friends. Not especially if that person is practically ur life. Everything i did was done out of concern of his well-being.
Some days i do think if what if i really started wearing nicer clothes and dresses when we're out every single time, or put on some nice light make-up so u'd be proud of me... or like spend more on things to pamper ourselves or park at carparks w/o considering parking rates... would that make a difference? If it really did, how would i feel about it? Happy coz i could finally make my bf happy? Or would i feel even more insecure about myself and my future coz i know all these wont last long?

I miss you.
And i miss you bad.
Its like.. all the hurdles we've painstakingly overcome together are just drills to be forgotten..
The funny thing is, it did ever come across my mind if ever there's a chance we'd be back tgr. I shudder at that thought. I love you so much but i dont think i can handle all of this all over again. I dont think its abt changing who we are, but i guess the both of us need to start loving ourselves first b4 we can learn to respect the love we have for other person. I sincerely hope u'd be able to do that for the next girl who's gg to be in ur life and stay on, while i'll learn to let go of the insecurities and perhaps, learn to trust and love again. Perhaps i was being too insecure and doing stupid and unnecessary things to get ur attention without even discovering tt i was doing it myself since i've never thought i could be so dependent on anyone. I'm not sure if trying to stop myself from loving u is a possible option, but u hope to contain this love and place is one side just to get on with life. I know i can do this, and do it even better alone since this has always been the config for the longer duration of my life and lastly, i hope u'd discover God's love. I'vd probably failed big time with too much distractions, and i hope she'll be able to open ur heart to His love that is unconditional and unfailing.

well played

Finally you agreed to meet so tt i could clear up all the misunderstandings. Its good that u could finally speak ur mind while i could shut up and listen without both of us shutting each other off.

i didnt want to restort to msging jas and my dearest estee about us. u really think that i wanted to resort to such pathetic means? i wanted to meet and clear things off but u didnt respond. like did whatsapp fail? or like did i dial the wrong number? i had no choice and no other fantastic plans to find u. i wouldnt' want to be unprofessional at work also. i've spent many nights camping at ur block, many hours at ur voiddeck vs spending time with my mum. u think i wanted that? i even knew who in ur estate goes home at what time, and who hangs out at ur block at what time. 

But today, its really sad to find out that u were actually 'enduring' me for the past 1 yr - which was actually the time we got together. (yes, holy shit to me)

You said that i kept thinking of myself. I dont disagree, but u have no idea. Though I dont complain to you, it doesnt mean that the sacrifices dont count for me. The time spent tgr at the cost of spending time with mother poon, working ot, trngs, studying... all these mean so much to me as well so its really not just about you losing those. i just thought that spending time with u is more precious since its so danm hard to find a space in our schedules. Perhaps it seems better/ more convenient for me coz i have a bike and its a geological fact that i live nearer to our work area. Perhaps if u stayed in Changi / pasir ris, you wouldnt think that i'm self-centred since i'd be staying at ur place more. I believe you would have done the same as i did. With retrospect, say now i live at Tuas... our relationship would probably be so different. Dont run away from facts and cloud it with your own thinking coz, that is selfcentred. To u, what i'm gg to say now seems to be again, defensive. But i dont know how to phrase it better while trying to be logical, and again, since u've long ago have this perception of me, so nothing i say here will sound legit to you anyways.

U said that always having to take the last bus home is tiring. 

Previously, i kept offering to send u home but u didnt want coz it would tire me. Perhaps i was wrong to think that by sending u home, i could spend time with you vs thinking tt sending u home so u could rest more. I dont really know who is self centred now- me not sending you home or me having to listen to you.. which is both the same. Perhaps i should be rebellious and just send you home which would upset you. Omg. Perhaps u're really the type that u dont mean want you say and want ppl to fight for u. Ok that's genuinely mean of me to say that. But i guess at this point in time, its clear that we're both the same. Same. Perhaps i should really learn to love myself more.

Perhaps, we shouldnt even meet at all. Problem solved. If you dont agree that our timing (with both having hectic work and sch schedules) played apart, then apart from u not loving me, i really duno what else. I never supported you to extend assignment deadlines, but i always stayed on because you wanted me too despite sometimes i am also very exhausted from the schedules. But i love you more than being tired nor the sacrifices, which i'm trying not to see it as a mistake now since its all 'blinded by love', 'love is true' dah dah dah.

When u waited for me to come home from my riding road trip, i kept emphasizing not to wait for me coz i couldnt have an accurate ETA. But now u just admit that its tiring and painful to do so. See. I TOLD YOU SO. We even argued abt u waiting for me. I told you to go home and rest and i literally ordered you to do so but u said 'you cant do this to be coz im ur boyfriend'. Well, bottom line is u cared for me and i cared for you.. But you shouldnt say im selfish. Do u know that i actually sped so fast just so i could reach home earlier to shorten ur waiting time. This was a biggest wrong move and oversight for me coz i rode past my lead rider which i missed him at the blindspot, hence leading up to that incident which u led up to reaffirming that its not safe for me to ride and all. Riding is never safe, esp overseas. I get that. I think the bigger mistake is thinking about u while riding which caused me to lose my focus. How does that sound? Who is the self-centred one. same.

I did told my mum abt who i'm gg on the road trip with, so u also cant say that i brought pain to her. She would tell me, but she trusts me more that i could handle situations reasonably well. Maybe yea, she dont tell me her pain, but i believe she loves me more. Also just to let you know, mother poon is also a very stubborn person, if she doesnt want me to do it, she will ensure that she does everything to stop me from doing it. If you dont have tt trust and confidence in me nor believe in the trust i have for my collegues, then you shouldnt say that i'm stubborn, and stop thinking that im self-centred coz that is self-centred of u to think so. come on, u dont even like that i'm standing so close to my collegues when taking a photo. perhaps u can buy me an inbuilt-wider lens phone?. So, this really shows that u're also pretty much thinking abt urself, so u can be less worried for me, while i just wanted to "do whatever i like, coz its-my-life". We're both the same, we're both equally self-centred.

All in all, like i've said, i dont disagree that you say i think about myself all the time.  I always put the ppl whom i love around me, first. And if my intentions led you to think otherwise, then I'm sorry. But i guess u need to see that you're also self-centred, always thinking about urself coz you want ppl to follow your ways. Even though its good intentions for them, u want ppl to go according to what you want because its 'for their own good'. We're both the same. The difference is perhaps, you dont say it, while im more explicit which now it seems i've got it and done it all wrong.

This reminds me.. u're just like the guy in Hunger Games. U believe that peace can be established in those saddistic ways- ways according to what u think is best and right for the good of others. But have u noticed the outcome- of the whole picture? Have u really, really considered for my feelings at all? Because right from the start, u have never loved me, u wont see that. Perhaps its so wrong for me to say this now, but have u wondered why relationships dont work out for u as well? Yes, same for me. Like u've said to me, hope that i'd be able to find someone more compromising, who is always willing to give in to me. That's really for you- to find a girl who would talk, walk and dress according to how u want her to. For me, perhaps if i believe in earthly love again, i'd rather wish for someone who understands my heart, trusts me and loves me for who i am. Coz all those clothes that u wanted me to wear for u didnt work too.

I always ask u if u're tired when we're out coz u look tired and i was concerned. u wouldn't say yes or no, so i'd further ask if u're upset. then, because i asked that, it really made u upset coz i always ask such questions. but hey. in moments when were tried to talk, do u realize why i got defensive? u kept on saying that i should talk better, dress better, walk and eat better and all... "and see ur girl friends agrees that you should normal b vs sports b when we're out and not doing sports"... things like that. apart from trying to tell me that i've been self-centered and selfish, but you NEVER once ADMITTED that me u were tired, and now u're telling me u were tired???? eh. i was literally BEGGING you to tell me ur honest heart and knew and FELT that u werent telling me everything. but u keep saying that i was defensive. then what is this now?? i dont believe this really. 

Perhaps i really need to start thinking more for myself and stop loving so blindingly. I know that im a logical and rational person and ppl do think of me as that.So when i do blind things out of love, my actions seem to tally with the cold rational me and in the end, it seems that everything is all about me.

I still somehow, unfortunately love you, but perhaps my mistake is to not let u finish ur sentences when u had the chance to. i was defending our relationship too fiercely without also trying to understand our individual problems first. And when i finally shut up to give u more chances to speak, u've alrdy been so cornered and learnt not to speak your mind. So for that i apologize, but true enough, its only as friends, or rather, when we're not longer friends that we could calmly talk and hear each other out like today. i always wished that we could start again as friends, to relieve all the stresses, but you couldnt wait. i wanted to be like how u and jas are. i was jealous, but i also knew i cant replace the friendship u guys have over the years. I wouldnt say im stupid to wait, but lets just say that our love became one sided, way too early in the relationship. U probably stopped loving me from the day you decided that we started to be together, though u didnt even outrightly ask for a relationship to me because u said that "isnt it clear enough?". actually no. I had to shamelessly force to u ask me if u wanted me to be ur gf over the phone just so that u could be sure. Perhaps that's wrong on my part too for rushing it when u werent ready to love me for who i am,  but i didnt like that we're tgr but im not clear about it. Who's self centred again?

Its really so sad that all these actions out of love, on both of our sides go misunderstood. and also, regretted telling her stuff that i shouldnt. i was helpless and thought she could provide me with some advice or solutions. i didn't expect her to tell u stuff since i didn't even know how to phrase my heart properly to her to begin with. she probably got the wrong messsage, but i think she shouldn't tell you also though she's ur friend coz i did specifically tell her not to tell u. but if i was her, i'd do the same too uh if say.. .estee was in my position or smth.
Im still unfortunately clear that i love you coz i've learnt to look past all the flaws and love you for who u are. You don't love me the same, so i shouldnt have done so much because now u tell me that u've been enduring me and hence, my actions kept failing to misunderstanings.

you know ytd, ur mum saw me sitting on the floor at the void deck while otw home. i looked like a wrecked. after a full 12hr shift since 0600hrs and then waiting for a chance for u to reply till she saw me at about 10pm. she asked what i was doing here... i was dumbfolded but just said 1 word.. "waiting...". she asked.."waiting for.....? " before she could finished her sentence i cried like siao. then she sat down on the floor beside me.

we had a good 30mins chat. she didn't want me to tell you that we met. i wont tell you what we talked about either, but all i can say is that mothers know you the best. she's really honest and down to earth and probably one of the subtly strongest women i've met. it took alot of time for her, i think it took her more courage, heart and kindness to think of the family than herself. know her was probably one of the best things that happened to me when it comes to our relationship.
even b4 she slpt, she asked me to go home early as i looked tired. she even supported her stance by telling me that u've slpt as u've looked tired. though i was physically drained and wanted to just take a grab home and leave my bike there, i heart couldn't leave. i went up to ur block and sat outside on the corridor, looking at ur window. thats the very wall that's between us. so near yet so far. i watched ur slippers that i bought for u (which u paid me money back coz 'cannot buy shoes for ppl'), it looked so peaceful and together, unlike us. 

I'm sad, but like a better sad. 

Yes, i also wish to get out of this state since u also finally admitted that you're happier without me with more sleep time, more time to rest, do the stuff that u wanna do and all. For the record, having more time for myself, being able to do more things for me doesnt make me happy as how u've put it across. Though it makes me feel more relieved and while getting all these back in return, im even more hurt to have lost you to all these circumstantial challenges. So that is the difference.

I've made a promise to disappear from your life, but u cannot stop me from blogging at least. Since u mentioned that ppl talked to u abt me an my emo posts on instagram, then i should ask, y do u bother? Its my life (coz im self centred) and u shouldnt care since u dont want to care. Isnt that right? y dont u ask ur friends who sees  post and not tell you abt it? They're ur friends and they should know u better. if u dont like them telling u stuff abt my life, then tell them dont. I'm alrdy out of u life so whatever i do doesnt concern u right? That's how you've put ir across to me so why cant u honour that? that's also one of the reason why i had to unwillingly get u off my followers right?  But fair enough, i'll try my best to refrain from posting emo stuff abt u coz i love u more than me having that emotional outlet. I can shut down that outlet of the emo nights if thats want u have said u want me to do. 

But i also want u to rmbr why all these escalated, its coz u broke ur promise. U said we could be friends. U said we could text. So if u suddenly go all cold to me, i think it is basic decency / courtesy/ respect/ gentleman/ human to tell me to stop texting u as friends and tt u want to end this friendship entirely, rather than leaving me in this notlivingnotdead state in for these months. It is also very wrong of u to use me from august onwards since u mentioned that u have alrdy decided to give up then. Do u know how that feels? Like to know that instead of trying to tighten the knot, my actions are burning the rope while im being wasted away by someone who is actually aware that he doesnt love me? i feel so wasted, cheap and gross that i thought u would love me by making u happy like tt. But wrong again, there's no way u can love me more since there's no love from u to begin with. but yes, u're a guy, and it doesnt matter. 'its all in the past so it doesnt matter. 'look ahead' 'forget all these sadness'. But i dun understand how u could not tell me then, what kind of person are u really? Is that respect? And u know what, i wont forget u evrn if i manage to hate or let go of my feelings fo u. i know that this love i have for u is too deep. even deeper than my first love, D, whom took me 10 over years to get over when i eventually met u and allowed to give us a try. i really broke many kinder hearts along the way, but the superficial break is better than the long term ones like how we are now. these are also hard and truthful lessons and i thank u for that coz at least we didnt sign any legit papers, waste money to goverment on downpayments for flat (i dont mean to hurt u for this point), or at a point when we're dealing with other ppl lives, kids whom  has our combined blood flowing in them.

And i realized, aug was before bromo trip. #doubleblow who was i with again?
Im such a cheap girl anyway right. 

well,  I think to i'd finally try and summarize this painful learning episode:
1. We both shouldnt have started knowing that we both werent ready.
2. I shouldnt have listened to sweet nothings, but learn to wait / be patient in love and not love by feeding ur needs and forgetting to figure out mine.
3. I should have never lost myself so entirely to you or  love u to the moon and back but stick to being rational and logical coz reasoning always makes it more worthwhile.
4. I am self-centred, even if my intentions are for the thoughts of other. Perhaps this is when i should re-assess my actions, tailoring it to suit different ppl's... perception?, just so that misunderstandings can be minimized.
5. We're both the same. Stubbornly self-centred, who have everybody's welfare at mind but forgetting to love ourselves to accept and give love in/out gracefully.
6. If ever i should unfortunately get a bf, he'd better own a bike himself. If he doesnt, then i guess i have to love him enough to quit riding altogether.

And maybe here's a quick tip for u,
If u want the person you love to hang on, maybe u should pay attention to her heart and needs, and not on the things u think its best for her. if possible, figure her out if she's so messed up like me, and be honest to her at all freaking times. even if it hurts to say you're tired, SAY IT. she needs to know. Actually for the good of all the nicer ladies out there, pls dont make use of their love to satisfy ur selfish needs and support it with ur one-sided thinking just because they love you. (They're perhaps blindedly in love with you since if u don't love them for who they are.)

the girl whom has chosen to love you will want to enter ur heart and stay inside there, not base on what u you do or say, but based on who you are inside.

"Its better to not love at all, than to love and to realize you're not being loved after all."

-Poon M.

it has always been her

so for the past few nights, if i didn't have night shift, i'd be waiting for u to go home. i told myself just 2hrs max coz i'd need to go for morng shift. but some nights, i just can't leave ur block without clearing things up with u. as the hours ticked, i dun even know what i was doing. i mean, i have so many other things waiting for me to do, so why was i wasting hours and hours like that. there's one night i waited till abt 3am and finally got some situational awareness. so many wierd ppl walking up and down ur estate in the wee hours of the morng, while there was i, sitting there alone with a phone in my hand. i kept my wallet away coz i was scared i could get robbed or smth. so i just held on to my bike box key. and the best part is, i dont even know if u're working or at home or going home. hahas. so senselesss and really out of my character to waste time like this.
i just wanted an answer from u. like why are u doing these to me? have u really loved me at all?

today i guess, i realized that u haven't loved me at all, even when we're tgr. i've probably realized this long ago but i convinced myself that u've stopped loving me after we went separate ways. but today, it sort of hit me that perhaps, even when we're tgr, u've never wanted me.

all along, u wanted someone else. u hoped that i'd be that someone else. so no matter how hard i tried, or u tried, i wasn't her so i couldn't match up. i really feel cheated though. i'd rather u be clean with me then leave me in guessing. i cannot really judge if its wrong or right for u to do so, but let's just say that in life, we all want the best for ourselves. And for the record, i rmbr telling u thst she's a gd catch and u'd be happier with her. You told me not to say such things... but come to think of it, didnt disagree too. So i guess i should have seen it coming.

last night i conducted a fitness sess and did some interval runs. i really wished that u'd be there coz we talked about doing intervals together. our work and sch schds didn't help in our relationship. it demanded so much of us, too much of us.

so i guess, no matter what u say, or i'd hear, the silence has spoken so much for itself. i dont want to get it coz i'm in great disbelief. despite all that i've given u to, it wasn't enough. i have really tried my best, just hoping a smile from u, but it's always futile. the one big take away from this relationship is to never rush into it. we started out with much feelings involved even in the initial stages. and interesting enough, we both were suppressing it coz we've both been broken by other ppl - for years. we were pretty careful, but i guess i was too impatient to love you.

i shouldn't have done so many things, but i should have focused on building a friendship first. it was pretty impossible coz we're in diff depts and we dont have a common grp of friends. so meeting u would only be done one on one and in my opinion, its never really a healthy thing to do so because feelings can just accelerate. so, we've really missed the whole friendship part.
haha. through church, i 've sat through random talks about love and relationship. feelings aside, there are certain ground rules that should apply before seriously considering to move on in life together. and clearly, we've jumped that.

i hope to close this chapter in my life and never revisit them again coz its just too painful. to you, i'm glad u've found someone else, and i hope that u can settle down for the long journey ahead.
though u've forgotten all about me and it seems that i've never existed in ur life, i do hope that one fine day, u'll come to realize my heart for you and stop leaving me in this state of misunderstanding. but for now, i'll just have to live with it.


Well, i guess i'll have to write off the 2 more milo pengs u owe me, coz after all, u're someone who cant keep ur promises. I mean at this point in time, i uds that promises are always hard to keep since it is always made out of a need to assure something; and one of the strong things i love abt u is that i always thought tt u're a man of ur word. U nv fail to pursue the things u want to do and would strive to follow through. But this time round, u dont even have the decency to explain or at least inform. So i guess i've trusted my life with the wrong guy.

mental nights.

exams have ended but the nightmares havent.

last night i dreamt about many random things. i even dreamt abt gas turbine compression ratio. then in the bits and pieces, there were u.

for the past 2 nights, i've been waiting for u at ur void deck till abt 2am and left when i've determined that u've sleep. i just wanted to clarify things coz i dont want to be left in misunderstanding again. no doubt i've missed u, but that's no longer important. tbh, i wouldn't know how to react if i'd face u. idk if i'm able to retain my composure and settle things properly. 

we've hurt each other long enough and i dont want to be left hanging just like that after when u said we could be friends after we broke up. even if u want to withdraw that promise, i think its decent enough that u let me know? i can't let my heart be hanging like this.

i broke up with u because i thought that we could be better off as friends, first. least let go of all the pressures that's entailing the relationship, and hopefully, without the pressures, we can build a stronger friendship and eventually a stronger relationship. i did regret of rushing into the relationship w/o even having a friendship with u first. but i guess through this, it shows that u have never loved me for who i really am but just needed someone to love you, and u would - in return, but dont really love me. u wouldn't wait for me. 

its really sad to realize all of this and still love you.

its really hard to... find u coz we both have different shifts. most of the time u're working night so i wouldnt know if u'd be home. i dont want to be a stalker, but ytd i saw that ur room lights are left on. perhaps u've ko again w/o switching off the lights. i walked around ur estate many times, sat at the places where i'd used to wait for u b4 we were tgr- but this time its a different feeling altogether. i wanted to knock on ur windows, but didn't have the courage to. i went up and down ur flat and didn't have a better plan other that letting my text msges go ignored.

perhaps its ur ego that u dont want to see me. and i think its really heartless that u dont even want to clarify what u are doing nor give some respect to hear my heart. even when we're tgr, even when we wanted to break up, there wasn't really a consensus to just sit down and talk properly without going into defensive mode and then argue w/o a conclusion. i want to say that its not fair, but then again, what is fair? 

perhaps u have talked to ppl about us and u've let ppl influenced ur decision w/o even hearing my heart? idk. i dont have anyone to talk to about us, or rather, i never liked talking to anyone about our relationship other than to estee who's not here. so all in all, i'm really left alone to deal with us while u're just treating me like i have never existed.

2017 now has been a nightmare, including all the good times we've had. i do wonder what they all meant. i'm just so afraid that all these while its been one sided. 3 years of getting each other backs is all nothing but a deep void that's left me in delusion. over these months, i've learnt to keep things to myself again, just that on some days, it gets too mental that i have to post something on social media since u're not going to see it anyway.

i really never thought that i'd be another of ur ex that u'd cleanly forget. i dont even hope that u'd remember the good times of us since i guess, they aren't worth remembering anyway. every happy moment was tied to a pointless argument which i dont even know what. now these memories come back to haunt me. i do feel cheap at times since in the end, we've never been on the same page. i've given u my all but still, its not enough. i've always been trying my best for u, but it still isn't enough to make u happy. such a disappointment to myself.

i guess its only now, that i realized that u can be really heartless. 

its either people change, or we didn't know who they really are. 

what is the key

exams.finaly.ended.

really.
this is by far the toughest semester ever. in my entire life of studying, i've never studied until like this. almost everyday, its like 12pm to 3am. either studying in sch or at pasir ris macs. my meals are like, anyhow... sometimes cereal from a bottle, sometimes snacks, if feeling chill, would eat in sch if i'm in sch, if not i'd eat macs. most of the time i'd be super sick of macs food, so just a cup of coffee or like a large packet of shaker fries. haven't been home for dinner since i'd be home only after 2am.

the combination of the modules alone was tough. lab schedules clashed with work. there's countless class tests and weekly submissions, along with 3 reports, 2 lab tests, 1 project. 2 wks before exam, i was still rushing for one of my report.
Linear Analysis
Analogue Design
Corrosion and Fracture Mechanics
Aerospace Propulsion

what a combi .all of which was not only demanding, but they are prerequisites for some of july-only mods which i've planned to take next sem. to make things more... challenging, some of the mods are jan-only. means, if i'd to fail any of this mod, it would mean that i've gotta +1 yr to my planned 2020 grad. that's 2021. that's like another 3 yrs? ok, on the brighter side, it would mean i would be able to slow down my pace, which means to take 3mods per sem, instead of the currently pace at 4 mods per sem.  next sem i've planned to take 5 mods, but 2 mods are the lighter electives.


the exam papers were a killer. i guess coz now its newly known as "SUSS", they've probably upped the game. jan papers are always more challenging.... but i really didn't expect Propulsion to destroy us. it was really.... i mean, the lecturer even did pre-amped us that it's gg to be a difficult paper. despite all kinds of prep and anticipation, we're still taken aback by how and what the questions were asking. merciless. past years, it was all about calculations.. this time round, its more about graphs and explanation from the sky.


so. in the midst of all these exam stress, my phone got stolen. and 1.5 wks later, my bike key broke at caltex petrol statn after i  refueled. it was 3.30am. i had a rather productive studying day at PR macs, and otw home, i was like.. i just wanted to go home asap to have a good bath and zzz.  i was even riding at like 60km/h, coz i was just so cold and tired. at the petrol stn, i was glad that i finally fueled up and ready to head home to my bed. then when my key just blatantly failed like that after trying to pull out from the tank, my heart just sank.
for a good 2 or 3 mins, i just sat there. no response. no action. no feeling.
i mean after my lost phone case, and the shitload of studying, 3am, i was beaten.
the petrol uncle asked me if everything was ok. i wanted to cry out load and say everything's not ok, but i just said "yea, my key broke, trying think of smth".


i called a few 24hrs locksmith / motor keys services... the rates were about $300. no way i was gg to pay that kind of money. after about 20mins of calling 4 to 5 numbers, i started tearing. initially, i was sad coz i was feeling helpless. then i started to get even more disappointed with myself for feeling so useless especially when i know that i can be a resourceful person in dire circumstances. but that night, it sort of hit me that i was really really really dependent on u. mostly for emotional dependence or just some affirmation in my decisions. w/o u and ur feedback or texts, i felt so... lost? i dont really know how to describe that kind of feeling.. dejected? idk. just damn useless.

at that point of time, i believed that i didnt have a spare key. i rmbr gg back to the bike shop a  few yrs back to ask for a spare key but they didnt have. they said they had passed it to me but i rmbr that i wasn't able to find it at home.
by it, it was about 430am. i decided to just leave the bike there, cab home, have a shower and think of another solution. a cab driver at the petrol station knew what happened and drove me home; of course, midnight charges applied. $10 fare.
i sat in the cab, looking out of the window as the street lights passed me, while holding on to all my textbooks in my hand. i took them out from the box just in case i didn't have a plan. i prayed. i didn't ask God why all these are happening during this time, but i just kept telling myself that God wouldn't any struggle which i couldn't bear. i prayed to ask him for strength, for some brilliance to attain some form of solution and i really can't do anything if its not for God's strength.
i reached home, and thought, ok, maybe i should just go and check that drawer where i'd keep all my bike key related stuff again. i opened the drawer, took away the stuff that's on this special metal tin, and then opened the tin..... lo and behold, i saw a shiny bike key.
tbh, idk if its a miracle or simply i had cleanly forgotten that i had a spare key, but i thank God for the miracle. it gave me that little burst of energy to go back, retrieve my bike and continue on this road.
(tbh, as i'm typing this now, i'm getting a little freaked out. coz the key is super new, no stains, no corrosion, like i've never seen it before. & i really really dont remember having a spare key, my memory can't be that bad right?)
so yea, used grab, another $9 back to caltex.
otw back, i was just focused on trying to get home coz it was about 5am and i was physically losing myself to surroundings. i bathe, and immediately went to bed with my hair wet.
i cried.
but i rmbr trying to thank God alot. i mean, it could have been alot alot worst. imagine if its at clementi (sch area), or like.. some ulu place. or like.. peak hour traffic.
i saw that my room was starting to light up by the subtle rising sun. before seeing blue rays turning to its full yellow glow, i realized i was awake again by 12pm.

it feels abit weird. was abit groggy, not sure if i've slept or fallen to some abyss and back again.
i missed u in the morng, but went to brush my teeth, cooked up a meal, ate, and took a power nap before heading out again to the same place by 2pm.


so yea. exams and u, and the troubles of life.
mother poon was extremely understanding. she knew that i had really commit all my time to studying, so she just let me do whatever i want. i mean, the usual motherly nagging about gg home late and all was almost nil. hahas. instead, she did ask if i wanted to eat some korean stew or smth, perhaps she can cook and i can come back to eat if i wanted. some days, i went home early to eat, but it was only because i had night shift at 11pm. so i'd be home by 9.30pm to bathe and eat b4 heading out to work. there's one day she even sent me those mass-forwared picture on fb.. something like "to my daughter... you had a long day... i just want to know if u're tired...." and all those. wah, i read it while at macs and literally shed a tear.
its like those moments, where the littlest of actions send ginormous amounts of comfort and love out of the blue. i felt like shit for not spending time with mother poon during these few weeks, esp there's like mothers day weekend and all but i really had no choice. i even gave up this 10s rugby game which i really wanted to play in coz the finals was at the national stadium, infront of a live crowd, and screened, coz it was part of the international rugby 7s tournament. i went for 3 trngs and decided that i cant afford to go for 3 more trngs + 2 wkend game days at the expense of my studying time. i could cover a few past year papers in that time frame.


so yea.
in the midst of all these information and trying to stay alive, every min, i was trying to fight off thoughts of u. some days i lost control and texted u. u didn't reply as usual, but i was still unwillingly expectant. i didn't want to expect a reply, but i needed a reply from u. my existence was no longer in existence in ur world. some nights when i sleep, i dreamt of u. i rmbr one night, i had this nightmare of u. i can't rmbr what was the content, u werent some monster or anything, but something happened in the dream and i woke up. i can't rmbr when was the last time i had woken up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare.. probably in my poly days while still in my teens or smth, but i woke up in the middle of the night despite desperately hoping that each night's sleep could be a maximum rest and recharge time for me. my mind couldnt stop running.
because of the nightmare, that whole day was just shaky. i missed u. i felt wierd. i felt useless and hopeless. but if that's the only way to leave us connected, then just let the nightmares play one.

idky, but i hated myself.
u've really changed me alot.
i've lost so much.
apart from weight (coz i rmbr having no appetite for the longest period of time in my entire life), i didn't know how to be independent. i lost the ability to look for practical solutions. i've lost the mind of being creative and positive. everything i did and thought was all because of u, and now, i find myself in a limbo, having to lost that form of direction.
ive been praying alot. i didnt want to have friends. some days dickson came to study with me coz he needed to do his work. and i felt like its wrong. idky but if u know, dickson is like my teenage growing up buddy. we've been friends for the longest of time, so i can't imagine if we got anything else more that friends other than adventure or do shit buddies, tgr with suan y. and gang. sometimes even when i'm having lunch one on one with my sch mates, or just out with any girl friends, i just felt like i was sinning against u / doing u wrong. u've really struck such fear in me that i'm not even aware of till now. when we're tgr, i felt this way, but i thought it was just me trying to fight off some rebellious feeling. but now i realized, i've grown to be afraid of u to some extent.
even the clothes that i wear out, i trying not to feel disgraceful about my t-shirt and cargo pants, but i'm starting to think perhaps, i should dress out nicer so i wouldn't feel so shitty about myself.

i struggled to be  nice to people. i was trying to be cold. and my mind was just lost in some whirlpool. i couldnt straighten my thoughts out because on top of all these, i was still trying to work out some legit electrical concepts or some engineering calculations.
i wished that u were with me, coz u're studying electronics stuff, so this year we could actually discuss about what we're learning with more understanding. haha. but what was i wishing for when i'm even starting to question my existence in ur world.
what was 2017 all about? it's really starting to get really hazey.

on the other hand, God was constantly sending angels. there's some super distant friends who has followed my insta story and because sometimes i do instastory my emotions coz twitter was a big outlet enough for me to emotional vomit, they text me simple kind messages. those meant alot ot me really. its not just about feeling loved, but it was a reminder to take a break, and i'm really not some mean freak who's non-existent. one friend event sent me a postcard. really, i wasn't ranting on social media to gain attention or anything, but i just can't contain it. there's one night estee called me just to check up on me. i hung up on here coz i just can't talk properly while crying my eyes out at 3am. idky, but somehow, though she's thousands of miles away, she seem to feel me. she texted me at my darkest hour, literally. i didn't need or wanted her coz i just wanted to be left alone and cry till i forget all these stuff. but somehow, her texts were one of the greatest comfort. idk how and y, but i guess it's through God' love and her love that i felt like i'm back on earth. weeks later when i finally opened my letter box, i realized she handmade a card for me all the way from the states. it has been sitting in my letter box for weeks (since i rarely open the mail) and i received it at just the right time.


God is really a great protector and defender which i can't comprehend.


its been tormenting really.
at this point in time, i have forced myself to end all hopes of keeping a friendship with u since u abhor me totally now. i hope to stop loving u; or perhaps come to peace with the fact that i can continue to love u when u just leave me hanging w/o a word.
i'm abit disappointed to be yet another ex in ur life that's not worth remembering, or forgetting so quickly. its not about the happy times we've spent tgr, but really, all the trying moments that we've put so much effort into but it all goes to countless misunderstandings. our actions always have some adverse effect despite it being out of love. is there such thing as too much love? idk. too bad i guess the workload of sch and work has a made a full impact on our relationship; and too bad i only knew how to priortize my sch work over spending time tgr. i did try, but it's nv enough for u. i guess the biggest regret for me is giving in when i knew we both weren't ready, but just went ahead because of momentary happiness.

I'll keep trying