okSocialMedia.

i think its funny how i've decided to come out of hiatus and start to blog randomly.
i owe this space too many valuable posts such as my 1st bromo trip back in 2016, my God-sent Montreal trip, and my UK trip just last 2 months ago, and the many spartan races and all. actually i've moved to blogging them via doing 1-2 min videos. but i guess its a really different way of documenting my life. blogging helps me to document my deepest thoughts and make those legit travel information more retrievable for ppl seeking help/info. so if i actually go back in time to try and recall and then blog all those moments out, i think it's not gg to be the same coz i definitely cant remember those exact feelings and emotions.

but anyway, i guess despite of the vast array of social media channels available as emotional outlets, blogging is still the fundamental place i can somewhat find solace is slowing down my thoughts and tangelize them into block words that i can be them typing out.
its funny how i dont really like how my deepest and loudest of thoughts are being made public; and neither do i care if anyone reads this, but i still find this space... therapeutic if you can call it.

i started blogging in 2003. whoas, that's like 15 yrs ago. the purpose hasn't shift since- i just hope my little story and inspire or help ppl find comfort should they happen to stumble on this humble, iritaing, full of complaints space. back then, it was like all teenage-growing-up years; the struggles, the confounding thoughts, the big life decisions days.... but actually, it hasn't really changed much since then huh.

ytd i was just watching some youTube vids on social media, and h2h interviews of ppl from the entertainment biz. i dont watch YouTube vids much coz i really dont have the time and energy too. i wished for more time to do so though. but ytd, i was really tired from night shift and couldn't just discipline myself to get my assignments going. exams are coming, and i'm just trying to control the worries coz i really duno shit about the mods esp when exams are about a month away.
so anyway as i was saying, most of us (the ppl in our age group) have lived through the age of how social media has transformed.

xiaxue shared about her blogging/ views of ig and how social media has become so much bigger than blogging, while influencers face real pressures from getting likes and followers. for the record, i like ppl like her and Hirzi, whom are influencers/ social media ppl / whatever you call them, whom are never afraid to speak their mind and deal with all the repercussions by taking everything in their stride.

ok actually, i'm not here to share my views on the shift of social media climate or like give some interesting views on mass comm and all.
as usual, i run to this space whenever my emotional loads needs some offloading.



its been almost a year since i've lost you. our birthdays for this yr just passed, and on my birthday, it was really, really an emotionally tormenting day. i wasn't expecting anything, but the heart just failed to be strong. its like.. not enough hydraulics power to sustain it. i've never seen or expect myself to be so....idk how to describe it to give an accurate 'measurement' of the pain.... but its like.. .i have discovered that i can actually be very emotionally needy for you. during those time spent tgr, i rmbr how u didn't like how i can be so independent towards our relationship which transcends to be being selfish. u didnt like tt i wasn't very jealous when u talk / hangout with ur girl friends and all. initially, like before unknowing trusting my whole life on you, i thought guys liked space. i thought like perhaps the more 'independent' ladies can also find some tlc in the guys whom they love and love back. but throughout those years with you, u've really trained me to be this emotionally dependant on a guy and i really really wish i can unlearn it.

some days i find myself trying to stalk you on social media, but u're the reclusive/ minimalist kind so its not easy. that's the thing about you. u're so contradictory, as much as u didnt really like the idea of posting my life on social media, u didn't like that i didn't post much of our time tgr. i'm always striving to find that balance what you wanted and what i could give so it wouldnt upset u, but it all just fails.

ok. actually, hahas. i'm really here today again not to talk about u. i mean, i've been thinking of u everyday even before we're tgr, and i'm still at this configuration. good and bad days, i wish i could still text you. sometimes i just can't contain it, so i'd like tweet my texts to you just so to pretend that i'm still texting u. no i've passed the denial stage and understood that u've not loved me for who i am,
its just that its just unfortunate to say that i still very much love you for u and all ur flaws that have hurt me bad. some days i wished that these are just habitual (and not intended) thoughts; so i try to recall and drill in those mean words u've said to me. but its like, i have said mean honest brutal heart-felt words to u before and the sian bottomline is, i love you. and when i love, i love fiercely because its not easy for me to love and trust 1 person so deeply.

rmbr how it took about 2 yrs of contemplation before getting tgr coz we're just so afraid of the same emotional issues. so i guess i shouldn't be surprised that it took u just about 1 yr to decide that u never really wanted me for who i am.
i guess i really should have known and be prepared to be emtionally tested out by u, but hah.. i guess i'm still girl and well, 'true love prevails' right?


ANYWAYS. so i've used tinder again last month. but stopped coz i'm just tired of mindlessly passing superficial judgements on photos and then swipping people i've not seen before. actually tbh, i dont intentionally go-and-search for  a life partner online coz i believe God provides whoever and whenever. so i was on tinder, just curious to see who of my circle of friends are on tinder. i've met some good friends, collegues and super like them and joked with them. idk if they felt offended or if their private life have been severely invaded, but haha, i still like bringing joy the ppl around me la.

so, my friend intro me okcupid. i decided to try it coz its interesting that you can answer some questions from a standard app-generated qns bank and then compare it with whoever u're... interested in. its about 2 days that i've started using the app, and i feel like its more... relevant than tinder? i mean like, if you have market data and more accurate information on the target market, u'd probably be able to do a more accurate profiling on the consumer base right?

me being the serious me, have set subconscious boundaries. as in like, tbh i'm still skeptical about entrusting your future with someone whom u've met online, but i believe we're (this age grp) all old enough to take in and let go. ok sounds deep. but its more like.. knowing when and how not to limit ur own opportunities at erm.. making friends?, while knowing when to go deeper into trusting person u've chat online to be ur friend. does it make sense?
i think it shouldn't be that technical especially since i was never the intentionally-go-find-friends to expand your circle coz really, given the amount of things i do in life, i really have alot of friends / ppl i know.
i mean, i dont want to go into the levels of friendship like from those hi-bye to those whom u've been through life and death with... but for me, i'm just happy with what i have, and i dont think i am searching.


tbh, i've been alone since u've left but i've never felt lonely. i never felt the need to meet anyone, and in fact, i found myself being more reclusive.. like u know, because of my busy schedules, whenever i can meet my friends (when they initiate a time) i'd make time for it and go whenever if it fits my schd. but this year round, i think its the first time in my life that i dont 'attend' the gathering and chose to do more.. solo 'me time' stuff like gg to our place to just look at planes, or like just go home and spend time with mother poon.
but recently, i've been chatting with a few guys via the app. sometimes idk if i'm not straight or what, but i dont get extremely excited when i have matches or when some guy msges back. partially i really think its because of you that still takes up a large proportion of the RAM memory of my heart. u're probably a big piece of SSD information.
idk if i'm under-valuing the app or what, or perhaps its coz of the past scars and current baggages, i dont feel comfortable to be talking daily nothings with people i've not met or done stuff in life tgr with before. like when its gets really comfortable, i get abit uncomfortable. i mean that's not the word to describe it.. maybe like... apprehensive? actually not really also... like erm...  just more defences going up. like MASTER CAUTON orange lights before the MASTER WARNING red lights go flashing. perhaps coz i'm also pretty tom-boyish, i converse very much comfortably  likka bro. i konw kh doesnt like that i'm likka bro to him, but if i'm comfortable, why do i want to make it not comfortable or text as how u'd like me to text u when its not going to be me right? that's another contradictory part you. u like me to be honest, but u dont like if when i treat give u the vibe that i'm ur bro. well, i really cant be sorry for that ,can i?

i mean like to put things into perspective, just today, someone msged me 'hey good morng'. i was like omg. ok, wait, not 'omg' coz like omg-a-guy-msg-me kinda thing coz i really dun like goodmornghowsurdayhaveueatenyourlunch kind of msges.... but 'omg' because it just feels like how i get secretly happy when u text me ur daily nothings. then i get all uncomfortable and thinking like.. eh i don want to go into serious shit yet but eh.. its just an innocent idontmeananything 'hey good morng' msg.
chill, sportspoon.

but i think i find it abit uncomfortable to be msging a few guys at one time. i mean, i dont think i should be placing too much 'value' on the msges much since its just 'open r/s', or like just talking abt bikes and places of travel and since if u're able to be on such a app, u should also learn to deal with ur own expectations. one guy asked if we could whatsapp him, but i kinda said i'm not ready to chat on whatsapp coz i'd prefer to just msg on that space, and he didn't reply. hhahahas. then there's also one guy whom wanted something else and when its clear i'm not in that direction, he stopped msging. fair enough. that's good actually, i think more imptly or rather, the fundamentals of msging someone is that, u shouldnt go around saying nice and not honest things just because u expect some form of reaction from someone whom u think its hot and stuff right.
but then again in this materialistic world, good honest man/women dont usually last long. whatever that means.

ok. ahhahs idky i keep sidetracking so much today.
i'm here today just because.... i guess coz i'm msging some guys via the app and i'm just wishing that one day i can swipe to see a KH, 31 or smth. idk. (i actually so a few KH, and my heart literally jerked, but its not a photo of u or antyhing...so nexttt). hahah. i dun wanna be confessing that i wish to be texting u via the app to start just as friends all over again. but i guess i have to be clear with myself that i'm not msging people just because i like the feeling of msging u.
i mean, its different.
i should be msging them because i like msging them, not u. so far, so good; good that i've been consciously clear and careful with what i'm msging and not lead anyone on or anything. but i'm just alittle afraid that i fall prey to the convenience of msging someone just because you can just msg so freely.

idk if u get my drift, but basically, just the pure basic respect of a human with a heart should be honoured even on such.... care-free 'no strings attached' app.


interestingly, i've had some h2h convo with some ppl i've not met in my life. some asked me 'what brings u here(to this app)' and i find myself asking myself.. 'oh ya uh.. y sia'.
i'm actually clear that i'm not on the app to intentionally find a lifelong partner though when the questions asked by the app is like.. here for ' new friends / hook up / short term dating / long term dating', i'd choose the latter, and even 'new friends'. hahas.
perhaps i'm just giving myself an opportunity. idk how to actually answer to that-  like opportunity for love? marriage? IDK. its not like i have alot of free time to text ppl also sia.
perhaps its all human mechanisms that we're searching even without intention. its just like this Discovery Chanel documentary that says that we're all crafted towards re-production of our species; there's actually a deeper and dark details to Maslow's Hierarchy of needs. eg.. like since birth as babies,its instinctive that the baby likes sucking the mother's nips, i mean also for milk. but that inclination of that sucking action as the baby grows up into a man is also for some other form of needs as the man progresses into his next stages of life -if u know what i mean. hahas. that's all in the pure science light pls.

i didn't expect this post to be long. it'st still pretty much in a casual mood unlike the past few heavy, full of resentment and near suicidal kinda post. ok, and i guess also coz its me to be honest, i'm probably here also coz should anyone from the app happens to stumble across this page, my intentions are clarified since its never easy to vomit all ur issues out with someone whom u've not seen in ur life. i mean, someone msged me my name coz he actually knows my name coz he watched a YouTube that i posted. ohhs eh. issit influencerPoonster. hahahahhahas



back to a update on my life..
its practically the same as the work-study config as with the last 3 yrs, just without u with me.
i actually wanted to blog on my bday coz i was so so shattered by my own self-inflicted thoughts and emotions. like not only i was struggling with thoughts of u inside my head and heart, i had a little argument with mother poon coz i wasn't spending much time with her coz of my work and sch schedule.. and on top of that, there's sch fees, bills, and groceries too.
i'm really not into celebrations and parties, but was abit sad that i didnt choose to spend time with mother poon on my birthday when i had time after morning shift. instead, i chose to sit at our place to watch aircraft and with some good ol music playing through my ear piece, over doing my assignments. i'm not sure if i should be proud of that, but yea, it was like 6-10.30pm of time to myself, and the aircraft and music, w/o much social media and shit.

i mean, i'm not all in a pathetic plight. but sometimes, its as simple as.... life is just tough.
tough if its in us to strive to do ur best, but the circumstances seems to not allow you to.
i mean we all can fck care and dont give a shit / like why make life so difficult for ourselves right. but that's also the beauty in the 'sufferings'. i'd be reaching the big THREE next yr, and i haven't hit some of the goals set in life. but as much as we can choose to regret, we can also choose not to live in regret and continue to give our best to those around and not expect anything in return.
well, its sad that at this age, i'm forced to cut down alot of my activities during this period of time.. like less rugby trngs, less gym, less climbing.. less gg for races and stuff. but lets just say there a time for everything and i hope tt mother poon can feel less lonely in a home when boeingpoon is no longer around.