last night i dreamt about many random things. i even dreamt abt gas turbine compression ratio. then in the bits and pieces, there were u.
for the past 2 nights, i've been waiting for u at ur void deck till abt 2am and left when i've determined that u've sleep. i just wanted to clarify things coz i dont want to be left in misunderstanding again. no doubt i've missed u, but that's no longer important. tbh, i wouldn't know how to react if i'd face u. idk if i'm able to retain my composure and settle things properly.
we've hurt each other long enough and i dont want to be left hanging just like that after when u said we could be friends after we broke up. even if u want to withdraw that promise, i think its decent enough that u let me know? i can't let my heart be hanging like this.
i broke up with u because i thought that we could be better off as friends, first. least let go of all the pressures that's entailing the relationship, and hopefully, without the pressures, we can build a stronger friendship and eventually a stronger relationship. i did regret of rushing into the relationship w/o even having a friendship with u first. but i guess through this, it shows that u have never loved me for who i really am but just needed someone to love you, and u would - in return, but dont really love me. u wouldn't wait for me.
its really sad to realize all of this and still love you.
its really hard to... find u coz we both have different shifts. most of the time u're working night so i wouldnt know if u'd be home. i dont want to be a stalker, but ytd i saw that ur room lights are left on. perhaps u've ko again w/o switching off the lights. i walked around ur estate many times, sat at the places where i'd used to wait for u b4 we were tgr- but this time its a different feeling altogether. i wanted to knock on ur windows, but didn't have the courage to. i went up and down ur flat and didn't have a better plan other that letting my text msges go ignored.
perhaps its ur ego that u dont want to see me. and i think its really heartless that u dont even want to clarify what u are doing nor give some respect to hear my heart. even when we're tgr, even when we wanted to break up, there wasn't really a consensus to just sit down and talk properly without going into defensive mode and then argue w/o a conclusion. i want to say that its not fair, but then again, what is fair?
perhaps u have talked to ppl about us and u've let ppl influenced ur decision w/o even hearing my heart? idk. i dont have anyone to talk to about us, or rather, i never liked talking to anyone about our relationship other than to estee who's not here. so all in all, i'm really left alone to deal with us while u're just treating me like i have never existed.
2017 now has been a nightmare, including all the good times we've had. i do wonder what they all meant. i'm just so afraid that all these while its been one sided. 3 years of getting each other backs is all nothing but a deep void that's left me in delusion. over these months, i've learnt to keep things to myself again, just that on some days, it gets too mental that i have to post something on social media since u're not going to see it anyway.
i really never thought that i'd be another of ur ex that u'd cleanly forget. i dont even hope that u'd remember the good times of us since i guess, they aren't worth remembering anyway. every happy moment was tied to a pointless argument which i dont even know what. now these memories come back to haunt me. i do feel cheap at times since in the end, we've never been on the same page. i've given u my all but still, its not enough. i've always been trying my best for u, but it still isn't enough to make u happy. such a disappointment to myself.
i guess its only now, that i realized that u can be really heartless.
its either people change, or we didn't know who they really are.
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